Telephone Jokes
126 telephone jokes and hilarious telephone puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about telephone that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get ready to laugh out loud with the best collection of telephone jokes and pranks! We've gathered some of the funniest jokes about telephone operators, telephone poles, telephone calls, and more. Whether you're looking for a funny prank to play on your friends or just a good laugh, these telephone jokes will have you in stitches.
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Funniest Telephone Short Jokes
Short telephone jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The telephone humour may include short cellphone jokes also.
- A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?" "Yes, it is," came the reply.
"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone." - Hospital... A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
- What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke? My Favorite,
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris. - It's so sad... that trees look at telephone poles, and think that being tall and skinny is the only way to get people talking.
- I got 6 numbers at the bar last night... One more and it would have been a complete telephone number.
(special thanks to Kevin Malone) - Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone.
- Trump is banning telephone calls to and from the middle east I can't believe our president created the teleban!
- What was one of the greatest inventions of all time, yet was completely useless when it was first made? The telephone, who r u gonna call?
- Russian Ministry of Communication announces proof that Putin invented the telephone. Played recording of three messages on answering machine left by Alexander Graham Bell.
- I was talking to a coworker about how I remember using a rotary telephone. She said "Wow. You're dating yourself." I looked down at my hand and replied "No. We're just friends with benefits.".
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Telephone One Liners
Which telephone one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with telephone? I can suggest the ones about mobile and cell phone.
- What has TWO wings, and ONE arrow? A Chinese telephone.
Wing wing. Arrow? - What was more important than the invention of the first telephone? The second telephone.
- What is a telephone's favorite color? Green green, green green
- What are the three fastest forms of communication? Telephone, telegraph, tell a woman.
- Who was Alexander Graham Bellski? The first telephone Pole
- What do you call a Polish telemarketer? A telephone Pole.
- Name the 3 fastest means of communication. Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
- Does the telephone remind you of anything? No, but it rings a bell
- Hawaiian Punch has a new telephone number. It's the Punch line.
- What does answering a colorful telephone sound like? Green green.. yellow?
- What did the poles do during world war two? They held the telephone wires off the ground.
- What was the crow doing up on the telephone pole? He was making a long-distance caw.
- My mother used to beat me with a telephone I was always on the receiving end.
- I'm here to tell you about telephone poles... Warning, long post.
- Q: What type of book has only characters and no story?
A: A telephone book.
Telephone Call Jokes
Here is a list of funny telephone call jokes and even better telephone call puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a sad cantaloupe in a telephone booth? Melon call ya
- TIL that immediately after Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he learned that he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris
- a telephone call A wife answers the phone.
Husband to wife: "How come you talked only 15 minutes?"
Wife: "It was wrong number." - How did Helen Keller burn her cheek? She mistook the iron for a telephone.
How did she burn the other cheek?
They called back. - When Bell invented the telephone, there were already three Chuck Noris missed
calls. - Order by telephone only. A friend of mine went to buy a sim card.
Turns out you need to call ahead to get one. - What do you call... ..? The person on the other end of the telephone
- Vincent van Gogh called… He wants his ear back… so that he can hear you on the telephone.
- What do you call it when you put a phone and a television together? A telephone!
Telephone Pole Jokes
Here is a list of funny telephone pole jokes and even better telephone pole puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- We all remember Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone... But no one ever remembers Alexander Graham Kowalczyk, the first telephone pole.
- What is the state tree of North Dakota? The telephone pole.
- A couple weeks ago I saw a sign on a telephone pole that said "learn guitar in 30 days." I can't wait. Just a few more days and I'll be able to play the guitar.
- Alexander Graham Kowolczyk... The inventor of the telephone pole.
- How do you know if you're in a French Village? If you see sap buckets on telephone poles.
Telephone Number Jokes
Here is a list of funny telephone number jokes and even better telephone number puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I counted the digits in your telephone number. They add up to 37.
- I told her my account ballance looks like a phone number Forgot to tell her it was an Emergency telephone number
Comedy Telephone Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about telephone you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean phone call jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make telephone pranks.
Women are like telephones.
They love to be held.
They love to be talked to.
But, if you press the wrong button, you're disconnected.
At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians.
American : "In the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1.
This will record the call and connect them with the police."
Russian : "In Russia we don't require that you dial anything."
A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's emergency room on the other end.
"Sir," explains the doctor, "Your wife was in a serious car accident. I have bad news and good news."
The man, taken back, asks hesitatntly, "What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life."
"Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?"
The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead team were sent out to install telephone poles for the Telephone Company.
After the first day, the brunette team had installed 30 poles, the redhead team had installed 37 poles, and the blonde team had installed 7. The contractor was outraged with the blonde team and demanded to know why they had done so few.
"Hey, we saw what the other teams were doing. Their's were still sticking out of the ground."
If Men Ruled the World... Laws:
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Car rental agencies would rent tanks.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car as long as you returned it within 24 hours with a full tank of gas.
Get Out of Jail Free cards would be considered legal documents.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yo' Mama is so fat, she has to use a telephone pole as a t**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yo Mommas so s**... she got lost in a telephone booth.
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Tommy gets asked to stay after class...
so little boy tommy isnt very good at math so his teacher kindly asks him to stay after class so she can help him.He agrees and listens to the teacher as she gives an example.She starts off by saying that if there are 10 birds on a telephone pole and you shoot one off, how many are left? he quickly answers "none". she says "no tommy, there would be 9". he then looks at her and says "thats impossible, obviously if you shoot one off, they would all fly away". she tells him that she likes the way he thinks. he follows up by saying "can i ask you a question miss, if there are 3 ladies holding a lollipop, 1 s**... it, 1 l**... it, and 1 biting it...which one is married? the teacher quickly replies with "the one s**... it". he looks at her and says "no, the one with the ring on her finger, **but** i like the way you think
So a policeman is in pursuit of a drunk driver...
...and this drunk is barreling at high speeds, nearly destroying everything in it's path. Finally the car hits a telephone pole and the car stops. The policeman jumps out of his car, runs up to the trashed car and pulls out the driver screaming, "YOU'RE DRUNK!"
The driver responds "Thank God. I thought my brakes and steering went out!"
For my cake day, a joke...
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
4 big companies after me
John: Boss, I think you should give me a big pay raise, because I have four big companies that are after me.
Boss: And what four companies would be after a guy like you?
John: Well, light, gas, cable and telephone company!
Mujibar get a job in India
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have to show you are proficient in the English language. Please make a sentence using the words: Yellow, Pink, and Green.'
Mujibar responded, 'The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up, and say, Yellow! This is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cheating Partner
A woman was in bed having s**... with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers.
After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you."
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.
But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
A burglar
Some young man is trying to get into my room through the window, screamed old Mrs. Kleinman into the telephone.
Sorry, lady, came back the answer, you've got the fire department. What you want is the police department.
No, no, she pleaded, I want the fire department. What he needs is a longer ladder!
Why did the burger sit beside the telephone?
Incase onion rings
Yet another world cup joke
Heard this from a telephone script today:
Jake! Is it true that you have my girlfriend at place, in your bed right now at this moment!?
Good! Finally I can watch the world cup in peace!
Fisherman wants new radio telephone call sign for his boat.
He calls the telephone company and asks for a new call sign.
The operator says sure you can have a new one, but can you tell me why you want a new one?
"How would you like it if every time someone asked for your call sign, you had to say '4Q'?"
UN Food Survey Fails...
UN Phone Survey
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia , New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
Daddy, what's it like being drunk?
A little girl goes up to her dad and asks "Daddy, what does it feel like being drunk?" "Well," the father replies "You see those 2 telephone poles over there in the distance?" he says, pointing in the direction of the poles. "A drunk person would see 4 telephone poles there." The little girl, confused, replies "But daddy, there is only one telephone pole over there"
The telephone rings, and the little boy answers it.
"Are your Mom or Dad home?" asks the lady at the other end of the line.
"They was in earlier, but now they is out," replied the little boy.
"My," said the lady. "Where's your grammar!"
The boy replied, "She's upstairs napping."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lucky day for Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.
Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was watching the news when he witnessed something astounding. A young Syrian man had just thrown a hand grenade over 100 yards through the window of a building into a room that housed a s**.... He was so impressed that he had the man found and brought into the states to play for his team.
After a very successful rookie season the young man was discussing his rookie of the year award via telephone with his mother.
She told him that she was proud but living in fear constantly. She continued " your brother was shot twice just in the last few weeks and your sister is regularly the victim of assault. Matters have escalated and life is worse than it has ever been. I will never, ever forgive you for bringing us to Philly."
An English guys digs the ground 100 feet...
and finds telephone wires, he says this proves that we had telephone 100 years ago. An American guy digs 200 feet and finds telephone wires, he says this proves we had telephone 200 years ago. A Turkish guy, digs the ground 2000 feet and finds nothing, he says this proves that we had cell phones 2000 years ago.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I always play it safe during s**....
I cut the telephone chord.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**...
A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**... are each sentenced to thirty years in prison. Each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden.
A woman, asks the Frenchman.
A telephone, says the Jew.
A cigarette, says the p**....
Thirty years later the Frenchman walks out with the woman and ten kids.
The Jew strolls out carrying a ten thousand dollar commission he has made during the time.
The p**... walks out and says, Has anyone got a match?
I blame the telephone company for my absent father.
Me and him never had a good connection.
One for the "older" crowd.
When I was a younger man I thought I got pregnant. You see, I was dating a telephone operator and one night she reversed the charge on me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do pirates use telephones for?
b**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the c**... to a telephone receptionist who is on c**... ?
A second line
"Why do you keep hogging the telephone line?"
-asked the Cauliflower to his wife.
"Broccoli", she replied.
My daughter is making a documentary on the invention of the telephone, for a school project.
I remember the time I did that, in middle school.
Rings A Bell.
A man storms into his manager's office
and demands a raise. "And just so you know," he blusters, "three other companies are after me!"
"Is that so?" the manager says. "Which companies in particular?"
"The electricity company, the telephone company and the gas company."
What are four ways of spreading information that begins with "tel"?
Telephone, telegram, television, and tell a woman.
A man fell into a deep sleep after eating too many telephones.
He's in a dialbetic phona.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman was having s**... with her husband's best friend when the telephone rang
And her husband's cell phone number appeared on the caller ID.
As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry
"Relax," she said after she hung up the phone.
he was just calling to tell me that he'll be home late because he's out bowling with you.
What's the time difference..?
A blonde called a telephone operator.
Blonde: Could you tell me the time difference between Singapore and London?
Operator: Just a minute…
Blonde : Thank you *puts down the phone*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A r**... Came Home and Found His House on Fire
A r**... came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man, that gets drunk almost every night, sees his friend while walking.
This one notices that the drunk guy has both ears burned and very injured, so he asks:
"How did it happen?"
The other night my wife left the iron on, then someone called me, and I took accidentally the iron instead of the telephone.
Oh...That s**.... And the left ear?
The idiot called again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I keep trying to fish for telephones
**but they keep ringing off the hook**
My girlfriend kept insisting that I give her a ring...
It took a while to get comfortable with the idea \(it was a really big decision for me\), but finally I got enough courage to dial the number and have an actual telephone conversation with her.
Telephone bills are never politically correct.
They're all straight white mail.
Before telephones were invented, fighting couples would actually make up over telegraph.
But first they had to learn re-Morse code.
I saw a telephone wire starting to fall on someones car the other day on my way home from work but I don't think they noticed
They would be in for a shock
Telephone rap battle
Two rappers were exchanging insults over the phone when one got upset and the line went dead.
Diss connected.
What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).
Telegram
Telephone
Tell a woman
Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.
Two blonde Mexican girls walk past a Taco Bell.
One looks at the other and says "Hey, I didn't know we owned a telephone company."
Who invented the first telephone?
Does it ring any bells?
There are 3 main ways of communicating
Telegraph
Telephone
And tell a woman
