Teenage Girl Jokes

There was a plane and it had 5 people in it: a president, a lawyer, a young teenage boy, a priest and a blonde girl. The plane driver said that the plane was going to c**... so one of them has to jump off without a parachute because there was only 4 so they were talking to each other about who was going to jump off without a parachute. The president spoke first and he said " I run a part of this earth so I should get a parachute" so he jumped off with one. Then the blonde girl spoke and she said " I look beautiful so I should get one too" so she jumped off with one. The next person to speak was the lawyer and he said " I help people solve their problems so I should get one" so he jumped off with one. Now there was only two people left: a priest and the teenage boy. The priest said to the boy " here you take the last parachute and go because you will live a longer life then me" but then the boy said "no, it's all right because there is still 2 parachutes left. The blonde girl only took my backpack".

A young woman's car broke down in the deep South.

She realized that there was no way to get back to the city that night, so she walked over to the nearest farm house and asked the man there if she could stay over for the night.
The farmer scratched his head and said, "Well, I sure don't see no problem with this, just don't bother my two sons Joe Bob and Billy."
The woman assured him that she wouldn't, but that night she snuck into the boys' shared room and said, "Hey boys, want to have some fun?" They, being teenage boys, readily agreed.
The girl first held up two condoms and said, "Now boys, before we get started, you both gotta put on a rubber. I don't want to be getting pregnant, now!" They both complied and the t**... had s**... all night long. The woman left the next day, and they never saw each other again.
Twenty years later, Joe Bob and Billy sat on their rocking chairs on the porch. Joe Bob turned to Billy.
"Billy?"
"Yeah Joe Bob?"
"Remember that fine lady that visited us that one time?"
"Sure do."
"Do you care if she gets pregnant?"
"Sure don't."
"Me either. Let's take these danged things off."

First Impressions

A young teenage couple have been dating for a little while, so the girl says to the boy that she wants him to meet her parents. He is a little skeptical at this, but she tells him that if he can make a good impression with them that she will reward him with s**....
Extremely excited at the prospect of losing his virginity, the boy rushes to the local pharmacy to get some protection. However, he is a little embarrassed and unsure of himself. The pharmacist at the counter notices this and walks over to see if he can help. "First time?" the pharmacist guesses. The boy nods sheepishly. So the pharmacist gives him the basics on picking condoms. The boy thanks him, buys some, and leaves.
Finally, the big night arrives and the boy arrives at the girl's house. As the couple and the girl's parents sit down for dinner, they all bow their heads to say grace over the meal. Afterwards, they all look up to start eating, except for the boy, who still has his head bowed in prayer. Respectfully, the girl and her parents sit quietly as he continues praying to himself. After about 5 minutes pass, the girl leans over and whispers to him, "I never knew you were so religious!" He looks up at her and whispers back, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"

Bobby buys condoms

Bobby walks into a drug store to buy condoms but couldn't find them. He tells the pharmacist "I'm going to need a dozen condoms?". The pharmacist replies "Sure thing. Big night tonight?" With a chuckle and a smile the Bobby said "Oh yeah, I'm going to take my girlfriends virginity tonight. She's a bit too immature for me but I'm still gonna pop her cherry. Might as well wear it out before I kick her to the curb". The pharmacist shakes his head and sells the boy the condoms.
Later that night, Bobby knocks on his girlfriends door and the pretty teenage girl answers. With a big hug she says, "Come, I want you to meet my family". "This is my mother and father", the young girl said. "Hello ma'am, hello sir, I was going to take your daughter to a movie and come straight back but only if I have your permission and blessing." With a big smile the girl says "Bobby, you never told me you were such a polite gentleman". Bobby sternly looked at her and said "yeah... and you never told me your dad was a pharmacist".

Heard this one 20 years ago in India

At Sunday mass in a small coastal town, the preacher decides to address the increasing promiscuity of the locals. People were beginning to have more and more pre-marital s**..., more children were being born out of wedlock and the number of teenage mothers was on the rise. The fact that it was a tourist spot also meant that one-night flings with visitors was now commonplace.
"In Corinthians 6:18-20 the lord says Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body."
Continuing in the same vein, he hopes that he is shaming the audience into repentance so that they may amend their ways. As a grand flourish, he ends with, "Now let those among you who have saved themselves for the Lord stand up, so we may gaze upon thee and admire thee."
No one stands up, and all avert their gaze and look at their shoes.
Then, a young mother with a five month old-baby girl stands up at the back.
Everyone is taken aback and the preacher is flustered. "Did you not understand my instruction? Only those who have not had s**... congress may stand!"
"Well, father", the young mother replies, "you can hardly expect this baby to stand up by herself, now, can you?"

A young teenaged girl has her first trip to the gynecologist...

She gets taken to the examination room and the nurse tells her to s**... down, put the gown on, sit in the chair and put her legs in the stirrups. The girl is a bit overwhelmed, but she complies.
A few minutes later, the doctor comes in, takes a quick glance at the girl's chart and then sits down on his stool, rolls up between the girl's legs, sticks his head under her gown and starts poking around. At this point he realizes the girl's legs are shaking tremendously, so he peeks out from under the gown to see the girl's face turning eight shades of red and covered in sweat.
He quickly grabs her chart again to read it completely, then says, "Oh goodness! Is this your first time at a gynecologist's?"
She nods and quietly replies, "Yes."
The doctor then says, "Well, if you think it'll make you feel better, I'd be happy to numb you first."
The girl shrugs her shoulders and says, "Okay."
So the doctor puts his head back down deep between her legs, shakes his head and goes:
"NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM...."

An old man walks into a confessional...

An old man walks into a confessional and says, " I'm 82 years old, have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up 2 teenage girls hitchhiking, took them to a hotel, and made love to each of them 3 times.
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Then why are you telling me this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody!"

Hot girl at prom

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

A boy is taking a girl to the prom...

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom. First he goes to get a tux but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he hast to get some flowers so he goes to a florist and there is a huge flower line there. It takes forever but he gets the flowers.
Next he heads to get a limo, unfortunately there is a long limo line at the rental office and it takes a long time but he gets the job done.
Finally the day of the prom comes and the two are dancing happily and are having a good time.
When the song is over she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there is no punchline.

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day.....

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having s**... on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having s**.... Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?"
Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

A Catholic teenager goes to confession

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is.
"I promised not to tell!" he says.
"Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks.
"No, and I said I wouldn't tell."
"Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?"
"No, and I still won't tell!"
'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?"
"No," says the boy.
'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months."
Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."

An old hillibilly with three daughters

An old had three pretty teenage daughters of whom he was very protective. He used to sit on the front porch, shotgun in hand, and run his eye over any potential suitors. If he didn't like the look of them, he'd send them on their way.
One night, all three girls were due to go out on dates. The first's boyfriend drove up and announced: "Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The old man decided that the boy sounded OK and he gave his blessing for the date.
Ten minutes later, amother car pulled up. The driver called out: "Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here to get Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" The old man thought the boy was decent enough, so he gave him permission for the date.
Ten minutes later, a third car arrived. The driver called out: "Hi, my name is Chuck..." And the old man shot him.

Cheap parrot

A woman decides she wants to buy a pet so she heads down to the local pet store. After a bit of browsing, she fixes her attention on a lovely talking parrot on sale for only $10. The clerk tells her the parrot's going cheap because it used to live in a house of ill repute so it may not be the most family friendly of pets. Thinking this deal is too good to pass up, she buys it without hesitation.
She gets home and places the parrot near the entrance. The parrot looks around and says, "New house, new madame!" The woman is startled by this but laughs it off. Later, her two teenage daughters get home, the parrot looks at them and remarks, "New house, new madame, new prostitutes!" The girls are shocked by this but after some explaining by the mom, they all laugh it off. The woman is delighted and eagerly awaits her husband so she can see what his reaction will be.
The husband arrives moments later. The parrot looks at him and says,"Hello Keith!"

It's 2 am. A teenage girl climbs up a brick wall and slowly shimmies through her open bedroom window

"Click!" Suddenly, light quickly engulfs the room. The girl discovers her mother siting on her bed with her right hand on the lamp string and a large angry grin of disapproval on her face.
Mother - "What happened to your 12 am curfew?! Where were you??!"
Daughter - "Sigh... I'm sorry mom! Yes I meant to call... I was at Shirley's house and lost track of time! Geez!"
Mother - "That lie you just told is gonna cost you your phone for a month! Your father called me half an hour ago, he's out drinking at his favorite bar with his work friend where he said he saw you with some boy! What were you thinking?! you're underage!"
Daughter - "UGH! Mom Chill! Yes I lied ok? That boy was just my friend Daniel! You know THAT Daniel??? It was his Birthday so me and Shirley got fake I.D's and took him to a Gay Bar to mingle! What's the big deal?!..."

Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl's name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You're no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Me: Close enough.