teddy bears Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious teddy bears puns

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?"

The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."


A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh


People often ask what I do at the teddy bear factory.

Just stuff.


Kid runs away from home

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, 'I'm running away from home!'.

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. 'What if you get hungry?', he said.

'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child. ' And what if you run out of money?'.

'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child.

The man then made a final attempt, 'What if your clothes get dirty?'.

'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!!'.


Teddy Bears

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."


Three Jamaican guys were invited to a fancy dress party where people had to dress up as an emotion.

The first one turns up in a dress.

Confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to be?"

"I"m in distress, mon," he replied.

The second Jamaican guy turns up stark naked but with a teddy bear on his knob.

Even more confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to be?"

"I"m in despair, mon," he replied.

Shortly after, the third Jamaican guy turns up, stark naked with his cock in a bowl of custard.

Completely confused, the host asks, "what the hell are you supposed to be?"

He replies, "I"m fucking disgusted, mon."


My girlfriend and I have our childhood teddy bears that we put into sexual positions. I told her we should try to do things that we make them do.

Today, she came back from the toy store with a bunch of black bears...


Sensitive men do exist

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they're lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks,

"Well, how was it for you?"

The guy says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."


One my 5 yr old told me: why didn't my teddy bear get invited to thanksgiving?

He 's already stuffed!


Top Ten Worst Pickup Lines

10. You remind me so much of Pokemon that I just want to pick-at-choo.

9. I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?

8. I misplaced my Teddy Bear. Will you sleep with me?

7. Wow, your legs must be really tired because you have been running through my mind all night!

6. What's that in your eye? Oh, it must be a twinkle from when our eyes met!

5. Did you clean your pants with Windex, because I can totally see myself in them.

4. Those must be space pants, because your legs are outta this world.

3. Hi, my name is Justin… Justin Credible.

2. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but can still make your Bedrock.

1. Is your name Visa, because you're everywhere I want to be.


Why couldn't the teddy bear smell?

Because his nose was stuffed


Why couldn't the Teddy Bear eat?

Because it was stuffed


What did the teddy bear say after it finished eating dinner?

I'm stuffed


3 Dirty/Dark jokes...

* How do you make a five year old cry twice?

*Wipe your dick off on their teddy bear*

* What's the best part of having sex with twenty seven year olds?

*There's twenty of them*

-This last one is a quick story a friend of mine uses to break awkward moments at the bar-

* "So I'm doing this guy in the ass, right? I mean we're really going at it. Then, when I go for the reach-around, the fucking faggot has a boner! I mean how gay is that!"

Tip your waitresses!


Q. Why couldn't the teddy bear eat his dessert?
A. Cause he was stuffed.


A eighty something year old man and his new 24 year old bride....

The new bride had only married the elderly man for his money . She was sure he would pass soon . They arrived at the hotel for their honeymoon . The elderly groom tried and half heatedly managed to carry the bride across the threshold . The bride new his heart might not be able to stand much more , she excused herself to freshen up in the bathroom . She reappeared a short time later wearing a see thru teddy bear nighty . The elderly man excused himself to the bathroom so he could change . A short time later he emerged wearing nose plugs a set of ear plugs and sporting a enormous erection covered with a condom . He smiled and said " ever since they started making viagra , there is too things i cant stand . One , the sound of a woman screaming . Two , the smell of burning rubber .


What are teddy bear poops called?



A constipated man robs a toy store

He proceeds to take everything from the store, accept for the teddy bears.

Why did he not take the bears?

He couldn't take a Pooh.


What is a teddy bears favorite food...



My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear and she asked, Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?

In my best bear voice, I replied, No thanks, I'm stuffed!"


Why are teddy bears never hungry.

They are always stuffed!


I recently purchased a teddy bear for Β£10

And named it Mohammed, then sold it for Β£20.
My question is.....have I made a Prophet?


What did the teddy bear say when it was offered some birthday cake?

No thanks, I'm stuffed


What did the teddy bear say after he felt full?

I'm stuffed


Why don't teddy bears ever order dessert?

Because they're always stuffed.


Why wasn't the teddy bear hungry?

He was already stuffed!


So a teddy bear got a job at a mine...

Once upon a time, there was a teddy bear, and that teddy bear got a job at a mine.

On his first day there, he got up in the morning, grabbed his pick, and did a good day of mining, then he went to sleep.

The next day, he got up, grabbed his pick, and did an even BETTER day of mining, then he went to sleep.

On his third day though, he got up in the morning, and his pick was nowhere to be found! He searched and searched and searched, but he could not find it anywhere! In fact, he wasted a whole day searching before he gave up and visited the foreman of the mine. When he asked his pick, the foreman looked at him and said Oh don't you know? Today's the day the teddy bears get their picks nicked!

(Sorry if this has been posted before, I was compiling all of my favourite jokes and I though you guys might like this one)


A man walks through a fair...

and finds a small bar. Upon entering, he immediately notices a very attractive woman a few seats away from him and he wonders if he still had the skills to hook up with her. After a couple of drinks and successful flirting, he found himself being led my the woman to her place. He entered her bedroom, excited and horny, but he couldn't help but notice the shelves and shelves of teddy bears. Teddy bears of different colors, shapes, and sizes. He quickly shook the curious feeling off and began having vigorous sex with the woman. It had been a long time since last having sex so the man wanted to give it his all. After the session, the man, proud of himself, asks "How was that?" with a smirk. The woman gets out of the bed, points at the shelves, and says " pick a prize, any prize".


Why don't teddy bears eat?

They're already always stuffed


What's a Teddy Bear's most prized possession?

Cotton balls.


[My favorite] So the parents call in a babysitter

She arrives to find the boy she is to take care of crying. Bending down she ask the boy "what's wrong?" the boy then responds "I lost my teddy bear" "Oh i can be your teddy bear" she replies and, the boy agrees. The parents leave and, time passes. "Bedtime!" the boy responds "but, I cant sleep with out my teddy" "OK ill sleep together with you". With the bed sheets covering both of the the boy says "I like to put my finger in teddys' bellybutton" "OK"..... a while passes the babysitter exclaims "UM .. UM that's not my bellybutton" the boy smiles " that's not my finger"


What do an aggressive teddy bear and this joke have in common?

The punch is pretty weak


Why did the teddy bear turn down a slice of cake

Because it was stuffed


How do you start a teddy bear race?
Ready, teddy, go.


What do you call a teddy bear that cant eat any more?



What are the most funny Teddy Bears jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Teddy Bears? Well, here are the best Teddy Bears dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Teddy Bears pick up lines to share with friends.

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