Ted Jokes
145 ted jokes and hilarious ted puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ted that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Gather around and get ready to laugh! This article gives you a collection of the funniest jokes from popular shows like Father Ted, Bill and Ted, and Ted Lasso. It also includes some of the wittiest lines from the show's beloved characters such as Marty, Bonnie, and Shotgun. Don't miss out on the opportunity to make everyone laugh. Read this article now!
Quick Jump To
- Short Ted Jokes
- Ted One Liners
- Ted Talks Jokes
- Ted Talk Jokes
- Ted Bundy Jokes
- Bill And Ted Jokes
- Father Ted Jokes
- More Ted Jokes
Funniest Ted Short Jokes
Short ted jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ted humour may include short shotgun jokes also.
- carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow. It's called a Ted Cruise
- Ted Cruz has aborted his campaign ..but I say he should be forced to carry it to full term
- Dad: Son, do we have any 'dop ted'? Son: What's a "dop ted"?
Dad: YOU ARE! You're adopted!
Son: Nice one, Dad.
Dad: I'm not your Dad. - Son, will you pass me the Dop Ted? "What's a dop ted?"
"You are! You're adopted."
"Very funny Dad."
"I'm not your dad." - What's the difference between Ted Cruz's wife and an insurrection? Ted Cruz would never defend his wife.
- Well... there goes Ted's reputation Trump: No one embarrasses themselves on Twitter like I do
Ted Cruz: Hold my milk
Trump: Wait, this isn't milk... - Why as it important for Ted Cruz to be in Cancun while Texas is freezing? Reptiles require sunlight.
- Did you hear that Ted Nugent had a beer thrown at him at one of his shows? He was okay. It was a draft so he dodged it easily
- Some people call the men's room "the john"... I call it "the jim". That way, I can tell people I go to the jim every day.
Thank you for listening to my TED Talk. - You have to be an adult to see Theodore, the guy who takes the medical images at the hospital. After all, he's x-ray Ted.
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Ted One Liners
Which ted one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ted? I can suggest the ones about bill and ted and mike.
- Some say 1 out of 4 of your friends are gay or bisexual.. I hope it's Ted, he's cute!
- Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and rick perry are stuck on a deserted island, who survives? Texas
- How I Met Your Mother... ... is the longest and most popular Ted talk.
- What's 80 feet long and has 22 teeth? The front row of a Ted Nugent concert.
- Who is 50 feet tall, has a blue ox and kills co-eds? Ted Bunyan.
- Looks like Ted Cruz got busted... ...bustin'
- What's better than Chrisopher Walken? Ted Danson.
- What you call a house with a Mexican and American ghost? A Juan-Ted house
- What's the world's longest Ted Talk? How I Met Your Mother
- I feel like Hollandaise... because I am egg-sauce-ted
- Did you know Christopher Walken is a trained dancer? And Ted Danson is a trained walker…
- Meet Ted! Ted has no arms.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Not Ted. - What did Ted Cruz's wife get after being elbowed by him? A Ted Bruz
- What was Ted Bundy's last job? Conductor
- I remember when a YouTuber's main aim was to entertain Now they're all diss-track-ted
Ted Talks Jokes
Here is a list of funny ted talks jokes and even better ted talks puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Knock knock Who's there
axolotl
Axolotl who?
you sure do Axolotl questions.
Thank you for coming to my Ted talk. - Danson, Turner, Mosby, Knight, Williams, Bundy, Raimi, Cruz… Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
- That awkward moment when... ... you realise the entire run of "How I Met Your Mother" was one big Ted talk!
- I just gave my first Ted talk about south paw sign language. The audience was left speechless.
- 'How I Met Your Mother'- is definitely The longest TED talk ever!
- I lost the script I was gonna use for my TED Talk. I'm speechless.
- I named my dog Ted Each of our training sessions are called Ted talks
- My friend Ted told me he would not give anymore money to "that awful airline company everyone is talking about". So I said, "U N I, Ted !"
- Lasaña Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
- Danson is better than Cruz in every way, thanks for coming to my TED talk.
Ted Talk Jokes
Here is a list of funny ted talk jokes and even better ted talk puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Every time Ted Cruz says something... is a Ted talk
- TIL Bill Gates once released a swarm of mosquitoes at a TED talk about malaria, saying that it shouldn't be an experience only for old people, I can't wait to go see his new talk about gun violence.
- I never watch Ted talks about aids Some things are not worth spreading.
- Talking Dog Continues Silent Protest Amid Doubts Upcoming TED Talk Now Questionable
- A guy went to buy roses for his wife Thank you for come to my ted talk
- TED TALK Great when put in front of a uni, not so much when you put a uni in front of it.
Ted Bundy Jokes
Here is a list of funny ted bundy jokes and even better ted bundy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Netflix has asked viewers to please stop referring to ted bundy as "Hot" As he was electrocuted in 1989, they are fairly certain he has cooled off by now.
- A really twisted joke What do Ted Bundy and the Space Shuttle Colombia have in common?
They both left bodies in four states. - What did Ted Bundy order for his last meal? Chick Fil a
*came up with that on my own. If you can improve on it feel free. - Friend 1: Ted Bundy was pretty popular with the ladies right? Friend 2: Yeah dude, he slayed.
- Ted Bundy was attractive, charming, intelligent... He always killed it on a first date.
- What's Ted Bundy's best pick up line? I saw you looking at me.
- What day was it they executed Ted Bundy? Fry day.
- My Tinder Inbox got flooded with messages from pretty girls after I changed my Profile Pic Who knew uploading Ted Bundy's Picture as a joke would attract so many girls!
- How does Ted Bundy unwind after a long day of killing? He takes a psycho bath
- Ted Bundy gave me a 24 karat ring... Thanks for the gold, kind strangler!
Bill And Ted Jokes
Here is a list of funny bill and ted jokes and even better bill and ted puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's Bill and Ted's favorite book of the bible? Duderonomy!
- Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure began when Chuck Norris arrived from the future and roundhouse kicked that phone booth into the past.
- Bill and Ted happen upon 20 fine young ladies... SCORE!
- Why did Bill and Ted join Islam? Because they heard it was radical!
Father Ted Jokes
Here is a list of funny father ted jokes and even better father ted puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- We now know with 100% certainty that Ted Cruz is not the biological father to his children. He always pulls out when it gets hard.
- Why did Ted Cruz's father assassinate JFK? To get to the other side!
Amusing Ted Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about ted you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kindness jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ted pranks.
A poll was taken by 2,000 prostitutes asking if they would have s**... with Ted Cruz.
91% said 'Never Again .
Hitchhiking
*Ted stopped on the side of the road after seeing a hitchhiker.*
* **Hitchhiker:** Hello there. Is the city far?
* **Ted:** No.
* **Hitchhiker:** May I get in your car?
* **Ted:** Yes.
*After a couple of hours of driving in silence...*
* **Hitchhiker:** Is the city far?
* **Ted:** Yes, now it is.
Alien abduction
Harry, Bill, and Steve are siting at the corner bar, when Ted walks in looking distressed. "Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and was abducted by an alien." Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?" "All I remember is being anally probed." Ted says. Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that." Says Harry. "What did the alien look like?" Ted responds, "Steve."
IRS
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
Ted Bundy and Jeffery d**... have dinner together
Ted: hey Jeff you got any ice cream in the freezer?
Jeffrey: nah, only Ben and j**...
After record breaking single day sales at Chic-Fil-a amid the same s**... controversy
today CEO of Jack in the Box Ted Fuller said he "hates Jews and Mexicans."
Ted Cruz should have been forced to carry his Campaign to term...
Terminating it is unchristian afterall
I drank so much I blew Chunks
Jon : Oh Ted, I had a terrible night. I drank so much that when I got home, I blew chunks.
Ted: Hey, thats not so bad. At least you were in the comfort of your own home.
Jon: No, you dont understand. Chunks is my dog...
The merry widow dies and goes to heaven
When she gets to the pearly gates she asks if she can be reunited with her late husband.
St Peter: "What's his name?"
Her: "Ted Smith."
St Peter: "We've got many, many Ted Smiths up here. Help me narrow it down. Where was he buried and what were his last words?"
Her: "He was buried in Woodbank Cemetery and his last words to me were that if I ever slept with another man, he'd turn in his grave."
St Peter: "Oh right, whirling Ted Smith."
Ted is well into his third beer in the bar when Bill comes in.
"Hey Ted, how ya doin'?" asks Bill.
Ted turns his eyes to Bill and signals for another beer. "So so. My wife just ran off last night with my best friend."
"But Ted!" protests Bill. "*I'm* your best friend!"
"...Not any more," says Ted.
Could somebody please tell the name of the 80's comedy based in a bar in Boston starring Ted Danson. I can't for the life of me remember it's name.
Cheers
This is an old joke but I really enjoy it....
Ted Bundy is walking through the forest with a young woman and the young woman looks back at Ted and says It's getting dark and I'm scared.
Ted replies You're scared? I'm the one that has to walk back through here *alone*!
After getting away with m**... for 52 years, the Zodiac Killer has revealed his identity to the press.
He didn't want to be associated with Ted Cruz.
Ted Bundy was out one day having a lovely stroll with a lady friend.
They were walking through a gorgeous, secluded forest. After walking a while the sun was setting and it began to get dark.
The young lady turned to Ted and said, 'It's starting to look creepy here, I'm scared'.
Ted looked at her astonished and replied 'You're scared? How do you think I feel, I have to walk back out of here alone'.
I was watching the Ted Bundy tapes on Netflix
When he was first arrested, the police departments from the different states got together in a hotel to have a conference and share knowledge with each other.
It was the world's first Ted Talk.
Donald Trump & Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar...
Donald says to Ted
"What we need to do is kill 140 million Muslims & one smoking hot blonde woman."
Overhearing this the bartender asks why they need to kill a hot blonde woman.
Donald says to Ted, "See I told you no one would care about the Muslims"
That restaurant...
Bob and his wife, who live in a retirement residence, are out for a stroll round the grounds one day, and meet up with their neighbour, Ted.
They exchange news, including Bob saying: "Oh hey Ted, me and the missus went to a great restaurant last night."
"Really," says Ted. What was it called?
Bob starts to reply, scratches his head, and says... uh...er...um...what's the name of that flower you give to someone you love, it's red and has thorns?"
Ted replies: rose?
"Aha," exclaims Bob, who turns to his wife and says "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
A grasshopper walks into a bar...
He walks up to the bar, and takes a seat. He flags the bartender down and orders a beer. The bartender does a double take but complies and brings the grasshopper a beer. After handing him his beer, the bartender says "You know we have a drink named after you"?. The grasshopper looks up from his beer, shoots the bartender a quizzical look and says "You got a drink named Ted"?
What's Ted Nugent's favorite book?
The musicians guide to f**... A Minor.
Best name for a serial-m**... rabbit
Ted Bunny
A man named Theodore
A man named Theodore works in a hospital and scans people for broken bones. Despite being the only person at the hospital who does this, he has never scanned anyone under the age of 18. He wonders why this is, and suddenly it hits him.
He's x-ray Ted.
Where's John?
Ted: Hey Joe, why ain't John working with us today?
Joe: He's in the hospital.
Ted: That's impossible, I saw him just yesterday dancing with a stripper!
Joe: Yeah, his wife saw him too...
Ted had been on his phone constantly at every f**... he had been to.
It was quite disrespectful of him. So at this most recent one, I told him: I think you're addicted.
What do Ted Cruz and an impotent Japanese man have in common?
Neither can achieve an election
Ted Bundy asks Jeffrey d**... you got any ice cream in the freezer?
Nah, just Ben and j**... Jeffrey replies.
Never lie to an elephant
There was a TED talk for elephants by elephants. The speaker elephant was talking about why you should never lie to elephants. It went like:
"So ladies and gentlemen, why should you never lie to an elephant?
Well it's because an elephant never...
never...
An elephant, uh, never..."
Carnival is offering a single day trip guaranteed to leave all your worries behind.
It's called a Ted Cruz
Full credit to my dad who just texted me this.
What would Ted Cruz have done in the school shooting if he was the responding police officer?
He would have packed his bags and leave for Cancun, citing his daughters don't go that school.
Worst f**... in golf history
1. Stormy Daniels
2. O. J. Simpson
3. Ted Kennedy
4. Bill Clinton
Why? You ask
1. Stormy is a h**....
2. O. J. is a slicer.
3. Ted can't drive over water, and
4. Bill can't remember which hole he played last..
A Cuban, a Canadian, and a White Supremacist walk into a bar...
Bartender says, "what'll it be Ted?"
ted cruz, greg abbott, and the uvalde swat team run into a bar
because they heard a car backfire
What's the difference between Ted Nugent and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug in the vacuum before it s**....
Have you heard about Ted? The guy with a talent for animated internet pictures?
He's gifted
Father O'Malley received a call from the IRS.
They asked for his assistance. He said he'd be happy to oblige.
Thank you, Father. Do you happen to know a Ted Houlihan?
I do.
Is he a member of your congregation?
He is.
Tell me, did Mr. Houlihan really donate $10,000 to the church?
He will.
Why was Ted Kennedy called the "Lion of the Senate"?
Because he mated at will and killed without remorse.
Ted Cruz takes his religious values very seriously
He always pulls out before finishing
Why are there no pictures of Ted Cruz holding a baby?
They always turn out blurry from him shaking them.
If Estonia's best athlete was called Ted...
Would they call him Talinn-Ted?
Dolphins are the Ted Bundy of the animal kingdom
r**... murdering psychopaths, but white women love them.
OC- A boy named Ted Dopp goes up to his parents.
"Mom? Dad?" he asks. "Some of the kids at school said I look different from you. Are you my real parents?"
His parents smile and say, "You are a Dopp, Ted."
Ted cries.
Why do people take such an instant dislike to Ted Cruz ?
It saves so much time.
Did you hear the Zodiac is turning himself in?
He didn't appreciate the comparisons to Ted Cruz.
Ted Kaczynski was a philanthropist.
He launched a letter-writing campaign to support Borders Without Doctors.
I was born a Catholic
Which came as a big surprise to my parents who were both protestants.
Source: Irish actor Michael Redmond (Fr. Stone in Fr. Ted) on 'An Irishman Abroad' podcast.
What's the difference between Limburger cheese and my friend Ted?
One is white and stinks, and the other is cheese. (As told to me by the UPS guy)
Two elderly ladies meet at the laundromat after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
I opened a can of peas instead."
What's better then Ted Danson?
Ted SingingandDanson
