Tearing Jokes
55 tearing jokes and hilarious tearing puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tearing that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Tearing Short Jokes
Short tearing jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tearing humour may include short tears jokes also.
- As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
- China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons. One soldier says with tears in his eyes but but my daughter made it for me .
- Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears... 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...
- It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting it's a boy it's a boy with tears streaming down his face. We never went back to Thailand.
- "It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room. And never visited Bangkok again.
- Quick question... How much of this "No More tear" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
- Watching my wedding video in reverse brought tears to my eyes I took off her wedding ring, returned her to her dad, and moonwalked my way out of the church.
- "It's a boy!" I shouted tears rolling down my face "I don't believe it. A boy!" Its at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
- The Most Dad Joke of Puns! All the best Puns are written down on paper. That way, they're truly tear-able.
Also it's my cake day! - I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said. "Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"
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Tearing One Liners
Which tearing one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tearing? I can suggest the ones about ripping and wipe tears.
- What happens when you eat beans with onions? Tear gas!
(Written by my 9 yr old son) - When I get home im going to tear my wife's bra right off The straps are killing me
- LPT for College: Laminate your notes so your tears roll off of them.
- How many tears were shed today? A Brazillion.
- I had tears in my eyes when my dad chopped up Onions I loved Onions. He was a great dog.
- I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work, said the disgusting bartender.
- What do you get when you mix beans and onions? Tear gas
- What do you call frozen tears? Eyecicles
- what can u make with onions and baked beans? tear gas
- A man walks into a bar... And slowly alcoholism tears apart his family
- How do you make tear-free soap? Don't use child labor.
- What do you call a single tear on your face the day of your wedding? Eye dew.
- What do you call someone who rips up books? A tear-orist.
- What do you get if you eat onions and refried beans? Tear Gas
- What do you call a sailor who'll never let you see him cry? ... A private-tear.
Tearing Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny tearing up jokes and even better tearing up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs… If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…
- "IT'S A BOY!" I shouted. "A BOY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY!" And with tears streaming down my face, I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel...
- My girlfriend told me she was pregnant. I was in tears Because I know how hard it is to raise a child without a father
- A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore... I told him to grow a pear.
- They told him: your girlfriend is cheating on you.. He wiped away his tears & asked : Which one ?
- My dad teared up after I gave him his 50th birthday card He said "One would have been enough"
- "I need help with this crossword," yelled my girlfriend, almost in tears. "9 letters, another word for 'concentration'. I think she's seeking attention.
- "It's a boy!" ...he screamed, "it's a boy!".
Tears rolling down his face, and he vowed to never go back to Thailand. - Knock knock Knock Knock!
Who's there?
It's Dave!
Dave who?
Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him. - I just got a joke book whose entire gimmick is the fact that you can rip the pages out and hand it to people. Its a book of tear-able puns.
Uplifting Tearing Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about tearing you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean torn jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tearing pranks.
My brother was murdered today
cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.
me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.
cop: you're sure?
me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.
An American spy comes into a Soviet bar
And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of v**... and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"
Me: Would you like some olive oil on your pasta?
Customer: Is it extra v**...?
Me: *tearing up* No it's the same price
No Strings
Two strings wanted to go into a bar. The bar had a sign up "We do not serve strings" One of them said to the other I've got an idea. He slammed into the wall, scooted and twisted himself around on the ground and then began tearing at his ends. He walked into the bar and the bartender said "Hey aren't you a string?" He looked at the bartender and said "I'm a frayed knot"
While playing in the backyard, Johnny kills a honeybee
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?
My friend told me shes s**... attracted to horses and its tearing her up inside
Literally
A rather drunk fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny pieces and throwing them out the window.
'Excuse me,' said the woman sitting next to him. "But, would you mind explaining why you're doing this?
"It scares away the elephants,' replied the drunk. "But I don't see any elephants around here,' said the woman
"Effective, isn't it?" crowed the drunk.
A horse walks into a bar...
...and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
And the horse replies, "I'm finally starting to realize that my alcoholism is tearing my family apart,"
What did Tommy Wiseau say when he tried p**... for the first time?
"You're tearing me apart Lisa!"
What did Tommy Wiseau say to his wife when she was making pulled pork?
You're tearing meat apart Lisa!
Hey, is that a keg in your pants?
because my alcoholism is tearing me apart.
What's the difference between squirrels and alcoholism?
Squirrels aren't tearing my family apart.
I don't understand why people keep tearing down Confederate statues?
Shouldn't the losers get to keep their participation trophies?
I learned a spell that stops paper from tearing!
It's a Can'tRip
When I was a toddler, my Italian mother caught me in her study.
I'd gotten into a drawer full of Greek plays. She walked in to catch me tearing Hippolytus in half. I'd done the same to others as well. The Bacchae, Heracles, Madea. As I stood there, happily shredding what had to be a 120 year old text, she began flailing and screaming.
"My a-beautiful boy, why? Why-a Euripides?"
With all the talk about and acts of tearing down statues there should be a rule where a statue of a person stands for so many years before being re-evaluated...
We can call it the Statue of Limitations.
On a film set, everyone is getting ready to start shooting, when the director calls for his assistant to bring him the script.
The assistant runs onto set and starts k**... over props, crawling around the floor and frantically pulling his hair.
As the assistant starts tearing off his clothes and shaking them around, the director thinks to himself, "He's lost the plot!"
What's one thing the Hulk would struggle tearing down?
The fourth wall
Why are people comparing Trump to Reagen?
Reagan's biggest accomplishment was tearing down a wall not putting one up.
A roofer with a lisp
Is hired to install new roofs across the city, when he didnt get paid - he began tearing up all his hard work without discrimination.
It was roofless.
My mom is a coke addict...
It's seriously tearing her apart, all the caffeine and artificial sweetner. It has to stop.
'This is the 5th same movie ticket you've bought tonight Sir, Why please?'
'The Idiot at the entrance keeps tearing it'
What do you call it when a photo of gay lovers falls from the wall and shatters into two pieces, tearing them apart?
Broke back-mounting.
A cargo ship struck an iceberg, tearing a gash in the side.
It was carrying bagged chips, so it didn't sink until it was unloaded.
They're tearing down a pier near my house, but I don't think that they should…
... I think they should just let pylons be pylons
My wife just stormed into the kitchen, furious at how cheap and a penny pincher I've become.
She's in there now, tearing all the plates in half.
A drunk walks into a bar
This isn't a joke, he needs help. Alcoholism is tearing his family apart.
A man walks into a bar
And realizes his terrible drinking habits are tearing his family apart.
A man walks into a bar...
His alchohol dependency is tearing his family apart.
Johnny and his Bugs
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
