Tear Jokes
100 tear jokes and hilarious tear puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tear that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Tired of the same old jokes? Check out this article for some unique and impactful tear jokes! Don't let the name fool you – these will make you laugh, not cry. Discover the agony, peice, and rupture behind the best tear jokes, plus learn the difference between a tear jerk and tear gas.
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Funniest Tear Short Jokes
Short tear jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tear humour may include short torn jokes also.
- As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
- China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons. One soldier says with tears in his eyes but but my daughter made it for me .
- Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears... 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...
- It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting it's a boy it's a boy with tears streaming down his face. We never went back to Thailand.
- "It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room. And never visited Bangkok again.
- Quick question... How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
- Watching my wedding video in reverse brought tears to my eyes I took off her wedding ring, returned her to her dad, and moonwalked my way out of the church.
- "It's a boy!" I shouted tears rolling down my face "I don't believe it. A boy!" Its at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
- The Most Dad Joke of Puns! All the best Puns are written down on paper. That way, they're truly tear-able.
Also it's my cake day! - I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said. "Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"
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Tear One Liners
Which tear one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tear? I can suggest the ones about weeping and cried.
- What happens when you eat beans with onions? Tear gas!
(Written by my 9 yr old son) - When I get home im going to tear my wife's bra right off The straps are killing me
- LPT for College: Laminate your notes so your tears roll off of them.
- How many tears were shed today? A Brazillion.
- I had tears in my eyes when my dad chopped up Onions I loved Onions. He was a great dog.
- I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work, said the disgusting bartender.
- What do you get when you mix beans and onions? Tear gas
- What do you call frozen tears? Eyecicles
- what can u make with onions and baked beans? tear gas
- A man walks into a bar... And slowly alcoholism tears apart his family
- How do you make tear-free soap? Don't use child labor.
- What do you call a single tear on your face the day of your wedding? Eye dew.
- What do you call someone who rips up books? A tear-orist.
- What do you get if you eat onions and refried beans? Tear Gas
- What do you call a sailor who'll never let you see him cry? ... A private-tear.
Tear Jerker Jokes
Here is a list of funny tear jerker jokes and even better tear jerker puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a guy who gets turned on by sad movies? A tear-jerker
^Credit ^to ^my ^brother ^for ^telling ^me ^this ^one - Found a surprisingly emotional pornographic film today. It was a real tear jerker!
- What do you call a dude who only masturbates to sad scenes in movies? A tear-jerker.
- I read a story about a guy who cried while pleasuring himself. It was a real tear jerker.
- Did you here about the book that made the man cry while he masterbated? It was a real Tear-Jerker.
- Gråtrunka is Swedish for crying whilst m**.... It's a real tear jerker.
- I read a poem about m**... and crying simultaneously It was a tear jerker
- What do you call a guy who cries at the s**... bank? A tear jerker.
- The swedish word "grätrunka" means 'crying while m**...'. Guess you can say its a... real tear jerker.
- What do you call a man who cries while m**...? A tear jerker.
Tear Gas Jokes
Here is a list of funny tear gas jokes and even better tear gas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do you make a protester cry? Tear gas
- What happens when you f**... through your eyes? Tear gas.
Wear Tear Jokes
Here is a list of funny wear tear jokes and even better wear tear puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Every now and then I see something that brings a little tear to my eye. Last night it was my wife wearing her s**....
- I don't wear a c**... when I'm having s**... with my girlfriend. Mostly because I'm afraid the plastic on plastic rubbing will cause a tear and make her deflate.
Witty Tear Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about tear you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ripping jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tear pranks.
A German woman was walking down a dark alley when she got accosted by eleven men...
...who tear her clothes apart and start to r**... and m**... her. The woman shouts 'Nien! Nien!', so two of them left.
s**... after surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal s**... life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
A cowboy, an Indian, and a Muslim are sitting in a bar..
the Indian looks up and with a single tear and says "My people were once many, but now we're few." The Muslim chuckles and says " My people were once few, but now we're many." The cowboy looks up and says "Thats because we haven't played cowboys and Muslims yet."
What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?
in one night stand you tear off the p**...
in long relationship you gently remove the p**...
in marriage you wash and dry the p**.... then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.
A policeman pulled over a speeding car
turned to the driver and said "Do you understand that you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit down the centre of the road?"
The guy smiles and says "Of course I did, that's what it said to do on my driver's license"
The policeman confused asks "and where does it say that?"
The man hands over the paperwork and points out "There, where it says tear along the dotted line"
What do you give someone who is about to tear up?
Tape
Why did the tear testify in court?
Because he was an eye wetness.
"Son, I have some good news and some bad news."
"OK..." he hesitated.
"Well, the good news is...I got you a replacement hamster." I said.
"A...replacement..?" he stopped, as a tear ran down his cheek.
"Yes, and that leads me to the bad news," I added, "You are adopted."
A man is dying of cancer...
He tells his wife, "Honey, if things start looking bad, please just turn off my life support."
A tear rolls down her cheek as he grasps her hand and continues, "Then turn it back on again and see if that fixes it."
I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night...
"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.
"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.
"Salad tastes nice."
After much discussion, it was decided that Korea would divide its capital city into two, half for North and half for South, the job of splitting the city went to some unusual ministers: Cenobites. In their first public address about their new task, they gave their mission statement:
"We'll tear your Seoul apart"
Three muslim women...
Three muslim women are sitting together talking. One pulls out a picture of her son to show the others. 'This is a picture of my son Abdul. He would have been 18 today'. Another pulls out a picture of her son. 'This is a picture of Mohammed. He would have been 20 today'. The third one says with a tear in her eye, 'Yes, they blow up so quickly these days...'
[Dirty] What do you call a tear in the American flag?
An old glory hole.
I took my item up to the counter.
"I'd like to return this," I said, with a tear in my eye, "It didn't work."
He said, "I'm sorry. We can't do that with condoms."
I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs…
If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…
What's a cobbler's favorite dessert?
Tear in me shoe.
I saw the saddest movie ever.
A man ended up jacking off to his dead wife's photo and crying. It was absolutely tear jerking.
I bought a new mattress and reached for the s**... label to tear it off. But I saw the federal warning, and couldn't decide if I should leave it or get rid of it.
I decided to sleep on it.
I wouldn't shed a tear if you cancelled MS America, nor lose sleep if you cancelled MS Universe
But please don't you dare cancel MS Paint :*(
I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a p**... of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.
… and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.
A surgeon goes to check on his patient after surgery and he says to her...
"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."
The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal s**... life again?"
The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.
The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?! I will be OK, won't I!?"
The surgeon smiles and replies, "Yes, yes you'll be fine, it's just that no one has ever asked me that question after having their tonsils out."
Why did the bull tear up the used book store?
They were all read.
A therapist holds up an ink picture...
Therapist: What do you see?
Me: A poor man with no future in life
Therapist:(Letting out a tear) I mean on the picture
There was three brothers: Little Tear, Little Feather and Little Brick
One day, Little Tear asked their mom:
— Mommy, why I'm called 'Little Tear'?
Then Mom said:
— That's because when you were born, a tear dropped in your head.
......
So Little Feather asked:
— And why I'm called like that?
— That's because a feather fell on your head when you were born, son.
......
Lastly, Little Brick asked:
— *ANNNNNNNNNNHHHHAOAOAOOA*
Teacher at parents meeting :
- Your boy was caught smoking m**... !!!
The mother :
- Oh my God. I wonder where he found it from ??
- He said he got it from his best friend.
The father, wiping a happy tear :
- My boy really said that ... ?
What is it called when a German has a tear in his c**...
Kinder Surprise
A Two-Fer: How is an onion different from a baby?
Answer 1: Onions don't scream when you peel off their skin.
Answer 2: I tear up a little bit when I'm chopping up onions.
What's the difference between an architect and an Engineer?
If architects built all the buildings, they would fall down on their own. If engineers built all the buildings, they'd be so ugly, we'd tear them all down.
During winter break, I visited Paris...
My mother, a fan of operas, brought me to experience one. The performance was phenomenal. Audience members were crying. I'll admit I shed a tear, but when I left the opera house, I found more people crying too! At first, I thought the music could be heard from outside, but it turns out, it was just the tear gas down the street.
I'm just here to let you all know gratrunka is the Swedish word for crying while m**...
Ain't that a real tear jerker?????
The year is 2540, a student notices something odd about his history book
How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999? He asks
The teacher puts down his marker, lowers his head and sighs.
Because... he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, ...only 90's kids remember the 90's
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you get an onion with floppy ears, but every once in a while you get a piece of a**... that will bring a tear to your eye
5yr old: Daddy I'm mad at you!
Me : Why?
5: You know why!
Wife: [wipes tear] They grow up so fast.
What do you get when you mix a donkey and an onion
A piece of a**... that will bring a tear to your eye
My friend said we should tear down statues of Stephen Hawking
I didn't know there were any statues of Stephen Hawking still standing.
As I stood infront of the mirror, combing my hair to one side, I couldn't help but shed a tear.
Alas, parting is such sweet sorrow.
The city officials haven't decide whether or not to tear down the graveyard
So for now...remains to be seen
"Why is it important for engineers and architects to get along?"
I was asked this by an engineer I was driving to a conference center from the airport.
"I don't know, why?"
"Well, you see, if all the buildings in the World were built only by architects, they would all collapse under their own weight."
This elicited some chuckles from his colleagues sitting in the back of the van.
"...but, if all the buildings were built only by engineers, they would be so d**... ugly that we would tear them all down., and that is why it's important for engineers and architects to get along."
up on the oil rigs
so these two albertans, jordan and teddy, are working away up north, on a long stint. jordan says "hey teddy, whats the first thing you're gonna do when you get home" and teddy replies "I'm gonna go straight upstairs and tear off my wifes p**...!" and jordan says "oh yeah??" and teddy replies "yeah man they are really chafing me, right here".
I gave my wife a copy of doom
It s**... because each time we try to have s**... she goes by the motto RIP and tear until it's done
I was driving with my wife recently and we were talking about what we wanted to happen to our bodies when we died. I want to be cremated and put in a p**... of chili. She asked why.
So I can tear that a**... up one last time.
Two pools of v**... walk into a bar...
One goes straight to the bathroom, while the other orders a couple of drinks.
When the first one comes back, he sees his friend staring at the floor with a tear in his eye.
"What's wrong, Spewurt?", he asks.
"Oh it's nothing, Heave." his friend replies. "I was just feeling a bit nostalgic. This is where I was brought up!"
Humans have a nerve that runs from the back of the eyes to the a**....
Its called the a**...-optic nerve. If you don't believe me, try pulling a hair from your a**... and it will bring a tear to your eyes.
A little boy runs up to his father with a question.
"Daddy, daddy!" says the boy, excitedly. "Did you get shot in the army?"
The father looks away and grimaces. The pain is etched clearly on this face. He gets a faraway look in his eye, and a tear rolls down his face, as he says, "No, son..."
"...but I did get shot in the leggy."
A man goes to a f**...
A man goes to a f**....
He asks the widow if he may say a word.
The widow nods and says "Of course, please do".
The man clears his t**... and says "Bargain".
The widow sheds a tear, puts her hand on his shoulder and replies "Thanks. That means a great deal."
A man is pulled over by the police
The officer says to him "Sir, I simply cannot let you continue driving. You were speeding, and not only that, you were driving down the middle of the road!"
The man says, "It's okay, officer, I have a permit from the DMV that says it's fine if I do that."
The police officer is incredulous and demands to see this permit. The man pulls out a printed piece of paper from the DMV and says "See? It says right here: tear down the dotted line."
Toilet training
Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy…
He pushes up the seat and balances his little pen!s on the rim.
Just then the toilet seat slams down and little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his privates and screaming in pain.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles,
K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it and make it better .
Little Johnny's mother shouts,
Don't start your father's s**...t with me !
Proud Dad momemt
My 10 year old daughter just asked me "Dad, what do you do when you break your arm in several places?" I was in the middle of going over some work and said " I'm not sure" her reply was " You stop going to those places."
***Happy tear follows***
I was pulled over for speeding down the middle of the road and asked to explain what I thought I was doing
I explained that when I got my license it specifically said to tear along the dotted line.
My 14 year old made me proud
I was driving them to a friend's house and we were sitting at an intersection waiting for a clear space for me to turn left. It was unusually busy for the side streets we live on and I muttered "where is all this traffic coming from?".
Without hesitation, they said "from the right".
A tear of pride may have been shed
Mrs Donnelly: m**...? You took me husband Donnie on da trip to Guinness brewery, and heres you are alone. Where's me Donnie?
m**...: Its terrible news, miss. Donnie were leanin over one of those great big vats of stout, fell in and drowned.
Mrs Donnelly (starting to tear up): Oh lord in heaven... m**...! At least tell me he died quick.
m**...: I can't miss. He got out to pee three times.
Happy Saint Paddies ta ya all!
Why did you tear up that novel?
Well, to make a long story short…
I like my coffee like I like my Women...
Sliding off the roof of my car as I tear out of the driveway.
A joke for my cake day: My wife beamed at me with tear in her eye & said, "Wow, I never thought our son would go that far!"
I said I honestly didn't neither. This trebuchet is amazing!
My wife told me over breakfast she dreamed I'd given her a diamond ring
"I wonder what it means," she said.
I smiled but said nothing and left for work.
That evening I brought her a small gift-wrapped package. Oh you should have seen how excited she was! Brought a tear to my eye.
She opened the present with trembling hands: a little book titled "How to interpret your dreams."
