The Best 76 Tear Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Tear jokes. There are some tear ashes jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these tear sever puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Tear Jokes and Puns

what can u make with onions and baked beans?

tear gas

A German woman was walking down a dark alley when she got accosted by eleven men...

...who tear her clothes apart and start to rape and molest her. The woman shouts 'Nien! Nien!', so two of them left.

Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Tear joke, Sex after surgery

A cowboy, an Indian, and a Muslim are sitting in a bar..

the Indian looks up and with a single tear and says "My people were once many, but now we're few." The Muslim chuckles and says " My people were once few, but now we're many." The cowboy looks up and says "Thats because we haven't played cowboys and Muslims yet."

Wedding anniversary

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you.

Tomorrow I would've been a free man! "

What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?

in one night stand you tear off the panties

in long relationship you gently remove the panties

in marriage you wash and dry the panties. then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

How many tears were shed today?

A Brazillion.

Tear joke, How many tears were shed today?

A policeman pulled over a speeding car

turned to the driver and said "Do you understand that you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit down the centre of the road?"

The guy smiles and says "Of course I did, that's what it said to do on my driver's license"

The policeman confused asks "and where does it say that?"

The man hands over the paperwork and points out "There, where it says tear along the dotted line"

An old couple lay dying of cancer

The wife turns to the husband and says "I have a confession to make. For years I switched the sugar in your coffee with powdered asbestos."

A tear comes to the husband's eyes he replies that he too has a confession to make. "I switched our coffees because you loved sweets. This tumor is hereditary."

What do you give someone who is about to tear up?


Pete Rose had a 90 second ovation at the all star game. It brought a tear to his eye....

Because he took the over.

You can explore tear rupture reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean tear osborne dad jokes. There are also tear puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Why did the tear testify in court?

Because he was an eye wetness.

I read a story about a guy who cried while pleasuring himself.

It was a real tear jerker.

"Son, I have some good news and some bad news."

"OK..." he hesitated.

"Well, the good news is...I got you a replacement hamster." I said.

"A...replacement..?" he stopped, as a tear ran down his cheek.

"Yes, and that leads me to the bad news," I added, "You are adopted."

Every now and then I see something that brings a little tear to my eye.

Last night it was my wife wearing her strap on.

I don't wear a condom when I'm having sex with my girlfriend.

Mostly because I'm afraid the plastic on plastic rubbing will cause a tear and make her deflate.

Tear joke, I don't wear a condom when I'm having sex with my girlfriend.

A man is dying of cancer...

He tells his wife, "Honey, if things start looking bad, please just turn off my life support."

A tear rolls down her cheek as he grasps her hand and continues, "Then turn it back on again and see if that fixes it."

I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night...

"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.

"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.

"Salad tastes nice."

Tonight you will be bound and beaten until you almost loose consciousness and your tear ducts are dry

Sorry wrong sub

What happens when you eat beans with onions?

Tear gas!

(Written by my 9 yr old son)

After much discussion, it was decided that Korea would divide its capital city into two, half for North and half for South, the job of splitting the city went to some unusual ministers: Cenobites. In their first public address about their new task, they gave their mission statement:

"We'll tear your Seoul apart"

Three muslim women...

Three muslim women are sitting together talking. One pulls out a picture of her son to show the others. 'This is a picture of my son Abdul. He would have been 18 today'. Another pulls out a picture of her son. 'This is a picture of Mohammed. He would have been 20 today'. The third one says with a tear in her eye, 'Yes, they blow up so quickly these days...'

[Dirty] What do you call a tear in the American flag?

An old glory hole.

I took my item up to the counter.

"I'd like to return this," I said, with a tear in my eye, "It didn't work."

He said, "I'm sorry. We can't do that with condoms."

How do you make a protester cry?

Tear gas

I had tears in my eyes when my dad chopped up Onions

I loved Onions. He was a great dog.

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

What's a cobbler's favorite dessert?

Tear in me shoe.

The swedish word "grรคtrunka" means 'crying while masturbating'. Guess you can say its a...

real tear jerker.

I saw the saddest movie ever.

A man ended up jacking off to his dead wife's photo and crying. It was absolutely tear jerking.

When I get home im going to tear my wife's bra right off

The straps are killing me

With tears in her eyes, an illiterate wife turns to her husband..

And shouts, *"I just can't read you!"*

I always tear up when I think about my uncle and his last words...

"A bus!!!!!!!!!"

Whenever I hear that song "Memory" it makes me tear up to the point I cant even speak

Its not because I like the song. It turns out Im allergic to Cats

I bought a new mattress and reached for the stupid label to tear it off. But I saw the federal warning, and couldn't decide if I should leave it or get rid of it.

I decided to sleep on it.

My girlfriend broke up with me because im obssesed with TOP

She was the tear in my heart

What do you get when you mix beans and onions?

Tear gas

I wouldn't shed a tear if you cancelled MS America, nor lose sleep if you cancelled MS Universe

But please don't you dare cancel MS Paint :*(

Found a surprisingly emotional pornographic film today.

It was a real tear jerker!

Two buckets of sick walking down the street

when one of them stops and sheds a tear. "What's wrong, George?" his friend asked.

"Nostalgia. That's the alley way I was brought up in."

I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a perversion of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.

โ€ฆ and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.

What do you get if you eat onions and refried beans?

Tear Gas

A surgeon goes to check on his patient after surgery and he says to her...

"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."

The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again?"

The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.

The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?! I will be OK, won't I!?"

The surgeon smiles and replies, "Yes, yes you'll be fine, it's just that no one has ever asked me that question after having their tonsils out."

Why did the bull tear up the used book store?

They were all read.

A therapist holds up an ink picture...

Therapist: What do you see?
Me: A poor man with no future in life
Therapist:(Letting out a tear) I mean on the picture

I read a poem about masturbating and crying simultaneously

It was a tear jerker

There was three brothers: Little Tear, Little Feather and Little Brick

One day, Little Tear asked their mom:

โ€” Mommy, why I'm called 'Little Tear'?

Then Mom said:

โ€” That's because when you were born, a tear dropped in your head.


So Little Feather asked:

โ€” And why I'm called like that?

โ€” That's because a feather fell on your head when you were born, son.


Lastly, Little Brick asked:


Grรฅtrunka is Swedish for crying whilst masturbating.

It's a real tear jerker.

Teacher at parents meeting :

- Your boy was caught smoking marijuana !!!

The mother :

- Oh my God. I wonder where he found it from ??

- He said he got it from his best friend.

The father, wiping a happy tear :

- My boy really said that ... ?

What happens when you fart through your eyes?

Tear gas.

What is it called when a German has a tear in his condom

Kinder Surprise

A Two-Fer: How is an onion different from a baby?

Answer 1: Onions don't scream when you peel off their skin.

Answer 2: I tear up a little bit when I'm chopping up onions.

What's the difference between an Architect and an Engineer?

If architects built all the buildings, they would fall down on their own. If engineers built all the buildings, they'd be so ugly, we'd tear them all down.

Amy Schumer is a strong, independent woman that never sheds a tear.

Coz big girls don't cry.

They say baby shampoo in tear free,

But I still cried when my uncle used it on me as lube.

SURGEON: I'm afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

During winter break, I visited Paris...

My mother, a fan of operas, brought me to experience one. The performance was phenomenal. Audience members were crying. I'll admit I shed a tear, but when I left the opera house, I found more people crying too! At first, I thought the music could be heard from outside, but it turns out, it was just the tear gas down the street.

I'm just here to let you all know gratrunka is the Swedish word for crying while masturbating

Ain't that a real tear jerker?????

The year is 2540, a student notices something odd about his history book

How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999? He asks

The teacher puts down his marker, lowers his head and sighs.

Because... he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, ...only 90's kids remember the 90's

What do you call a man who cries while masturbating?

A tear jerker.

A guy enters a bank and shouts "The money or else I'll tear down my mask!"

The teller says: "You prefer Canadian dollar, right?"

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you get an onion with floppy ears, but every once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye

Nobody is above the

LaHAHAHAHAHAhahahaha! Oh god. I almost got through it without laughing. *wipes tear*

5yr old: Daddy I'm mad at you!

Me : Why?

5: You know why!

Wife: [wipes tear] They grow up so fast.

What do you get when you mix a donkey and an onion

A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye

My friend said we should tear down statues of Stephen Hawking

I didn't know there were any statues of Stephen Hawking still standing.

As I stood infront of the mirror, combing my hair to one side, I couldn't help but shed a tear.

Alas, parting is such sweet sorrow.

The city officials haven't decide whether or not to tear down the graveyard

So for now...remains to be seen

"Why is it important for engineers and architects to get along?"

I was asked this by an engineer I was driving to a conference center from the airport.

"I don't know, why?"

"Well, you see, if all the buildings in the World were built only by architects, they would all collapse under their own weight."

This elicited some chuckles from his colleagues sitting in the back of the van.

"...but, if all the buildings were built only by engineers, they would be so damned ugly that we would tear them all down., and that is why it's important for engineers and architects to get along."

up on the oil rigs

so these two albertans, jordan and teddy, are working away up north, on a long stint. jordan says "hey teddy, whats the first thing you're gonna do when you get home" and teddy replies "I'm gonna go straight upstairs and tear off my wifes panties!" and jordan says "oh yeah??" and teddy replies "yeah man they are really chafing me, right here".

I gave my wife a copy of doom

It sucks because each time we try to have sex she goes by the motto RIP and tear until it's done

I was driving with my wife recently and we were talking about what we wanted to happen to our bodies when we died. I want to be cremated and put in a pot of chili. She asked why.

So I can tear that ass up one last time.

Two pools of vomit walk into a bar...

One goes straight to the bathroom, while the other orders a couple of drinks.

When the first one comes back, he sees his friend staring at the floor with a tear in his eye.

"What's wrong, Spewurt?", he asks.

"Oh it's nothing, Heave." his friend replies. "I was just feeling a bit nostalgic. This is where I was brought up!"

What do you call a single tear on your face the day of your wedding?

Eye dew.

Humans have a nerve that runs from the back of the eyes to the anus.

Its called the anal-optic nerve. If you don't believe me, try pulling a hair from your ass and it will bring a tear to your eyes.

A little boy runs up to his father with a question.

"Daddy, daddy!" says the boy, excitedly. "Did you get shot in the army?"

The father looks away and grimaces. The pain is etched clearly on this face. He gets a faraway look in his eye, and a tear rolls down his face, as he says, "No, son..."

"...but I did get shot in the leggy."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the tear cryin jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working tear cheek piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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