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Team Jokes

169 team jokes and hilarious team puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about team that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover hilarious team jokes that can be shared with your England Football Team, Washington Football Team, Swim Team, English Cricket Team, NFL Team, Squad, Crew, and League. Get into the team spirit and joke around with the members of your squad.

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Funniest Team Short Jokes

Short team jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The team humour may include short staff jokes also.

  1. Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction, and name it ElonGates.
  2. What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
    Bit of British humour right there ;)
  3. Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled? Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.
  4. My son started dating a goalie for a women's soccer team and asked me what I thought of her. I said "Son, she's a keeper."
  5. Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I throw half of them in the trash I sure don't want unlucky people on my team.
  6. The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!
  7. How many Broncos does it take to change a tire? One. Unless it's a blowout then the whole team shows up.
  8. What's the difference between a teabag and the German national team? The teabag stays in the cup longer
  9. England fans must be pretty happy right now. They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.
  10. I was clinging for dear life on the edge of the cliff... As the rescue team approached, one of the guys shouted, "Whatever you do, don't look down!"
    So I started smiling...

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Team One Liners

Which team one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with team? I can suggest the ones about league and group.

  1. China should have a cricket team. They can take out the whole world with one bat
  2. If Caitlyn Jenner were a super hero, what team would she be on? The Ex-Men.
  3. What would you call the Fantastic Four if snoop dogg joined the team? The High Five
  4. There's no 'I' in 'team,' But there are six in 'Dissociative Identity Disorder.'
  5. If ironman and Silver Surfer teamed up They would be alloys
  6. What do you call a bunch of employees caught sleeping on the job? A dream Team.
  7. Someone actually wished me Merry Christmas Merry Christmas to you too, Team Snapchat
  8. I used to run a pro-life debate team. No one could de-fetus.
  9. There's no I in team. There's no u either.
  10. There's no 'I' in team... ...but there's five in 'individual brilliance'.
  11. How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once? About a brazilian...
  12. What's the Al-Qaeda's favourite sports team? The New York Jets ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
  13. I just found out the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team. He's the pitcher.
  14. You see comrade, there is no I in team But there is a U in gulag.
  15. My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful. She needs a team of surgeons.

Football Team Jokes

Here is a list of funny football team jokes and even better football team puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday.. "It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.
  • What's the difference between Maddie McCann and the England football team Only one of them is coming home
  • Why was Cinderella kicked out of the football team? She ran away from the ball.
  • Did you hear about the baby ghost who joined the football team? He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.
  • What is 5 feet tall, has 22 legs and feigns death if you approach it up to two meters? The Italy national football team.
  • what's al qaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets
  • Why aren't there many female football teams? Because you can't convince 11 women to wear the same clothes
  • What is 1.60 m high, has 22 legs and feigns death if you touch it? The Italy national football team.
  • The England Football team..... visited a Brazilian orphanage this morning. 'It's heartbreak to see their sad little faces with no hope' said Jose, age 6.
  • Why doesn't Pakistan have its national football team? Whenever they get a corner, they will set up a shop.

Soccer Team Jokes

Here is a list of funny soccer team jokes and even better soccer team puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • England soccer team have got a new captain today His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..
  • Went on a date with a girl once and she told me she played goalie on her soccer team Right at that moment, I knew that meant she was a keeper
  • Who holds the record for longest time trapped in a cave with a soccer team? It's a Thai
  • Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? She kept running away from the ball!
  • The American soccer team visited an orphanage today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad faces without hope." said Bill Rogers, age 6.
  • My son's team won the soccer tournament, so the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party afterwards. It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
  • You would think with an entire soccer team stuck in a cave.... One of them would have known how to dive
  • The Spanish national soccer team visited an orphanage in Brazil today "It was hard to see their sad and hopeless faces", said one of the orphans
  • Why did the guy marry his wife above all the other women on the soccer team. She's a keeper.
  • Why did the politically correct soccer team never win any matches? Because no offense.
Team joke, Why did the politically correct soccer team never win any matches?

Basketball Team Jokes

Here is a list of funny basketball team jokes and even better basketball team puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The Columbine basketball team hasn't been the same... Since they lost their two best shooters
  • Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team? She kept running away from the ball.
  • In the annual gay vs straight basketball game, the gay team has prevailed, in what was a come from behind victory.
  • What's the difference between an archeologists convention and a basketball team? The archeologists convention is a nerdy bunch of diggers.
  • Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball
  • Why did the Anti Vaxxer get cut from the basketball team? He refused to take the shot
  • How do you tell the teams apart in Amish women's basketball? It's skirts versus shins.
  • Having a bad day? Just remember that in the movie Air Bud , some kid got kicked off his school basketball team... and replaced by a dog.
  • What did the Grapefruit basketball coach say to the worst player on the team? You're going to have to ci-tris one out.
  • Why didn't Jesus make the basketball team? Because he only throws Hail Mary's.

Baseball Team Jokes

Here is a list of funny baseball team jokes and even better baseball team puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why does China have the best baseball team? Because they took out the whole world with one bat
  • Ever wondered why China doesn't have a baseball team? Because they ate all their bats.
  • Why was the baseball team hot? It didn't have any fans!
  • Why did the baseball team love the first day of spring? It meant they could finally play ball outside!
  • Did you know that, during the first game of the 1936 baseball season, the Boston Braves managed to win while also badly injuring six players on the opposing team? They were truly ruthless.
  • What did the mathematician do at the baseball game? √4 the home team
  • China has the best baseball team. They took out the whole world with one bat.
  • Sports Enthusiasts I got hired by my local baseball team to keep the players cool in the locker room. It was a difficult job because I'm not a fan.
  • What has 18 legs and catches flies? A baseball team.
  • What do baseball teams and muffins have in common? They both rely on a good *batter*

England Football Team Jokes

Here is a list of funny england football team jokes and even better england football team puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's the difference between my son and the England national football team? My son stopped disappointing me after 52 years.
  • What's the difference between the Thai cave boys and the England football team The Thai boys were invited to the final
  • England football team are great at holding on in extra time.
  • What do terrorists and the England football team have in common? They will never win
Team joke, What do terrorists and the England football team have in common?

Hilarious Fun Team Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about team you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean partner jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make team pranks.

A Baptist a Catholic and a m**... were talking about their families. . .

The Baptist says I have 4 kids, just one more and I'll have a basketball team. The Catholic says That's nice but I have 10 kids, one more and I'll have a football team. The m**... says Well, I have 17 wives, one more, and I'll have a golf course.

A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... all walk into a bar...

The Jewish man boasts, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" The m**... stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

We heard that the building was being attacked by a giant fly...

... So we called the SWAT team.

A Jew, A Catholic, and a m**... are in a bar discussing their families...

...The Jew says "I have 8 kids, one more and I'll have enough for a baseball team!" The Catholic says "I have 10 kids, one more and I'll have enough for a football team!" The m**... says "That's nothing, I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have enough for a golf course!"

The Polish farmer

During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold

Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)

Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is m**....
Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."
Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."
David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

The Washington r**... are changing the team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with their name.

....from now on they will be known simply as the r**....

So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."

Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
Tuesday is England, so we're going out.

Football with a blonde girlfriend

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

After his team was eliminated from the World Cup,

The Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all expenses that fans of his country paid for to travel to Brazil.
According to sources close to the player, he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.

I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"
My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.

I thought of this joke this morning in the shower

A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"

What does a Dallas Cowboys fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?

He turns off the PlayStation.

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago.

Why was h**... kicked off the track team?

He could never finish a race.

Why can't an eel and an eagle team up?

Because it would be eel-eagle!

Why do the Minnesota vikings wear purple as a team color?

If you've been choking for 50 years, you'd be purple too!

A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... are drinking together.

The Jew boasts about his fertility
"I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!"
"That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!"
The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the m**.... "Well?"
"I have 17 wives. I almost have a golf course!"

Yo momma's privates are like Mars...

It took a team of scientists decades to find moisture on it.

Password security questions for the depressed

What is the name of your least favorite child?
In what year did you abandon your dreams?
What is the maiden name of your father's mistress?
At what age did your childhood pet run away?
What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?
In what city did you first experience ennui?
What is your ex-wife's newest last name?
What sports team do you fetishize to avoid meaningful discussion with others?
What is the name of your favorite canceled TV show?
What was the middle name of your first rebound?
On what street did you lose your childlike sense of wonder?
When did you stop trying?

I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.

it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.
it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."

After much deliberation, the Cambridge University Netball Team....

...decided not to abbreviate their name

A man got lost on a camping trip

A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.
Charlie Smith, someone shouted, is that you?
Yes, it is, came the reply. Who are you?
We're from the Red Cross.
I gave at the office! Charlie shouted back.

A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out.

A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get started?!" The Irishman responds "I don't know it was burning when I walked in"

While watching Olympic kayaking, I was surprised at how bad the Cuban team was at paddling. Then I realized,

That's probably why they're still in Cuba.

A Jew, a Catholic and a m**... were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting...

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the m**... replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

It's Jim's birthday

Jim's wife treats her man by taking him to a s**... Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Jimmy, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Jimmy says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jimmy says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Jimmy with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."

English, American and Arab guy bragging in a bar about their large family.

The American says: "I have 4 kids. One more, and I can make a basketball team!"
The English says: "I have 10 kids. One more, and I can make a football ("soccer") team!"
The Arab guy says: "I have 17 wifes. One more, and I can make a golf course!"

Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team?

Because everyone who is good at running, jumping, and swimming have already made it into the U.S.

In the locker room after the game...

The guys have finished playing, have showered, and are getting dressed. Dennis pulls out a black lace bra and p**... and starts to put them on.
His team mates begin laughing, and making fun of him. The coach asks, "Hey, Dennis! Since when did you start wearing women's underwear?"
Dennis replies, "Since my wife found them under the passenger seat of my car."

Wife calls her scientist husband...

"Honey.. Its Saturday.. you're late..."
"I'm busy with my team in an experiment"
"Whats that?"
"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambiant temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine...
It's 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late."
"Oh dear.. I won't disturb you. Take your time.."

What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?

One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.

If you were stranded on a desert island, what would you bring with you?

I would take one for the team and bring Donald Trump.

This just in, giant fly attacking the city

The SWAT team has been called in to deal with the situation

What do you call the pack of boars who killed members of Isis?

Squeal Team 6

It was my first day at a new school.

When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.

Chad's wife decided to surprise him on his birthday

and to show him that she's a cool wife, she took him to a s**... club.
At the club:
Bouncer: Hi Chad! How you doing tonight?
Wife: How does he know you?
Chad: We play golf together!
Bartender: Evening Chad! The usual?
Wife: And how does he know you?!
Chad: Um, he's on the bowling team!
Hot blonde stripper: Hey s**..., champagne room again tonight?
At this point the wife loses it and storms out of the club, dragging Chad with her, into a taxi.
Taxi driver: Hey Chad! Boy... You picked a fat one tonight huh? Same motel?

The Cleveland Browns team visited an orphanage today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.

"Son, what would happen if neither team won the Super Bowl?"

"It's a Tide ad."

Elon Musk: Did you move my car?

Team: Yeah.
Elon: Into the parking space, like I asked?
Team: Parking!?

While planning a potluck at work, one of my coworkers asked if we had any vegans on the team.

I told her probably not. They would have let us know several times by now.

In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast .

It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!

God and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.

Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said God . "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

Interviewer to Pelè: Do you think Barzil's 1970 team can beat today's Argentina?

Pelè: Yes.
Interviewer: By how much?
Pelè: 1:0
Interviewer: That's it?
Pelè: Well, most of us are over 75 now...

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with Saturday's performance that they have said they will personally refund all expenses to fans who travelled to support them.

All they need to do is send bank details, sort codes & PINs, and they will transfer the money directly …

200Years in the future.

A team of the smartest people on earth go to a distant planet, believed to have life. When they land they're greeted by 3aliens. They speak perfect english.
"Leave outsiders. This is our home planet, only trusted individuals are allowed here!"
The space group is quite surprised by this. Most of them think about turning back and going to earth. When one man in the back of the group, Unseen by the aliens, Shows himself. Upon his sight the aliens appear to become much more peaceful with the humans.
"Oh you brought Dave with you! Why didn't you say so."

The Washington r**... finally decided to drop their offensive name.

Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL r**..., has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as, "The r**...." It was reported that he finds the word "Washington" imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

What is Donald Trump's favorite sports team?

The Dodgers

(popular indian Joke) Why doesnt china have a cricket team?

They eat bats and don't understand the concept of boundaries..

Trump: "We cannot let a woman be president!"

Staff: "That's not what transition team means, sir."

Concerned when one of his most reliable workers doesn't show up, the boss calls the employee's home.

The phone is answered by a giggling child.
"Is your dad home?" the boss asks.
"Yes."
"May I speak to him?"
"No."
"Well can I speak to your mom?"
"No, she's with the policeman."
Alarmed, the boss says, "Gosh. Well then, may I speak with the policeman?"
"No. He's busy talking to the man in the helicopter that's bringing in the search team."
"My Lord!" says the boss, now really worried. "What are they searching for?"
"Me." the kid chortles.

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.
The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a m**... are talking about their families.

The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The m**... speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition

They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.
"The mummy is Amenhotep XIII" says one of the NKVD goons.
"How did you find out?" asks one of the archeologists.
"He admitted it", replies the NKVD goon.

Team joke, A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition

jokes about team