A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
Bit of British humour right there ;)
I sure don't want unlucky people on my team.
The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!
The Ex-Men.
The Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all expenses that fans of his country paid for to travel to Brazil.
According to sources close to the player, he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.
....from now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.
The High Five
One. Unless it's a blowout then the whole team shows up.
So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"
My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.
They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.
As the rescue team approached, one of the guys shouted, "Whatever you do, don't look down!"
So I started smiling...
Merry Christmas to you too, Team Snapchat
She will throw the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago.
A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get started?!" The Irishman responds "I don't know it was burning when I walked in"
The Jew boasts about his fertility
"I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!"
"That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!"
The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the Mormon. "Well?"
"I have 17 wives. I almost have a golf course!"
"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.
Team: Yeah.
Elon: Into the parking space, like I asked?
Team: Parking!?
No one could de-fetus.
it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.
it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."
When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.
A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"
Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon.
Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."
Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."
David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
There's no u either.
One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.
The SWAT team has been called in to deal with the situation
...but there's five in 'individual brilliance'.
"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.
"Honey.. Its Saturday.. you're late..."
"I'm busy with my team in an experiment"
"Whats that?"
"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambiant temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine...
It's 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late."
"Oh dear.. I won't disturb you. Take your time.."
He turns off the PlayStation.
About a brazilian...
The New York Jets ( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
Since they lost their two best shooters
His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..
...decided not to abbreviate their name
Pelรจ: Yes.
Interviewer: By how much?
Pelรจ: 1:0
Interviewer: That's it?
Pelรจ: Well, most of us are over 75 now...
A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.
Charlie Smith, someone shouted, is that you?
Yes, it is, came the reply. Who are you?
We're from the Red Cross.
I gave at the office! Charlie shouted back.
The Jewish man boasts, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" The Mormon stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
But there is a U in gulag.
It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!
The American says: "I have 4 kids. One more, and I can make a basketball team!"
The English says: "I have 10 kids. One more, and I can make a football ("soccer") team!"
The Arab guy says: "I have 17 wifes. One more, and I can make a golf course!"
Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
Tuesday is England, so we're going out.
If you've been choking for 50 years, you'd be purple too!
All they need to do is send bank details, sort codes & PINs, and they will transfer the money directly โฆ
She needs a team of surgeons.
Breaking News: The NFL announced today that because of lost revenue due to kneeling, an NFL Team had to be cut. Tampa Bay and the Green Bay Packers will be combining forming the Tampacks. They will be good for only one period and will have no second string...
Because it would be eel-eagle!
During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold
He could never finish a race.
It took a team of scientists decades to find moisture on it.
Squeal Team 6
I would take one for the team and bring Donald Trump.
and to show him that she's a cool wife, she took him to a strip club.
At the club:
Bouncer: Hi Chad! How you doing tonight?
Wife: How does he know you?
Chad: We play golf together!
Bartender: Evening Chad! The usual?
Wife: And how does he know you?!
Chad: Um, he's on the bowling team!
Hot blonde stripper: Hey sexy, champagne room again tonight?
At this point the wife loses it and storms out of the club, dragging Chad with her, into a taxi.
Taxi driver: Hey Chad! Boy... You picked a fat one tonight huh? Same motel?
A team of the smartest people on earth go to a distant planet, believed to have life. When they land they're greeted by 3aliens. They speak perfect english.
"Leave outsiders. This is our home planet, only trusted individuals are allowed here!"
The space group is quite surprised by this. Most of them think about turning back and going to earth. When one man in the back of the group, Unseen by the aliens, Shows himself. Upon his sight the aliens appear to become much more peaceful with the humans.
"Oh you brought Dave with you! Why didn't you say so."
Jim's wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Jimmy, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Jimmy says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jimmy says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Jimmy with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."
I told her probably not. They would have let us know several times by now.
What is the name of your least favorite child?
In what year did you abandon your dreams?
What is the maiden name of your father's mistress?
At what age did your childhood pet run away?
What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?
In what city did you first experience ennui?
What is your ex-wife's newest last name?
What sports team do you fetishize to avoid meaningful discussion with others?
What is the name of your favorite canceled TV show?
What was the middle name of your first rebound?
On what street did you lose your childlike sense of wonder?
When did you stop trying?
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
The guys have finished playing, have showered, and are getting dressed. Dennis pulls out a black lace bra and panties and starts to put them on.
His team mates begin laughing, and making fun of him. The coach asks, "Hey, Dennis! Since when did you start wearing women's underwear?"
Dennis replies, "Since my wife found them under the passenger seat of my car."
NFL CUTS ONE TEAM
The NFL announced today that for financial reasons they had to eliminate one team from the league.
They've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.
They will be known as the TAMPACKS.
Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
She ran away from the ball.
"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.
"It's a Tide ad."
Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as, "The Redskins." It was reported that he finds the word "Washington" imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.
Because everyone who is good at running, jumping, and swimming have already made it into the U.S.
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