Teach Jokes
129 teach jokes and hilarious teach puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about teach that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Teach Short Jokes
Short teach jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The teach humour may include short taught jokes also.
- Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.
- Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year - Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.
- What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian? The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.
- To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza. I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
- bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. "1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."
- To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
- Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day. But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
- Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? (Original joke) Because that's where students have the most potential.
- Give a man a jacket He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.
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Teach One Liners
Which teach one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with teach? I can suggest the ones about instructs and tutor.
- My daughter just lost her first tooth! That'll teach her to talk back.
- Make the little things count... teach midgets arithmetic.
- Why don't they teach Calculus in the Deep South? Because they don't like integration.
- I started teaching Maths to midgets in my area. I'm making little things count.
- My son lost his first tooth today. That will teach him to talk back...
- I tried teaching my mom how to build a PC But all it did was make my motherboard
- Why did the cyclops quit teaching? He had only one pupil.
- Today, I made the little things count by teaching math to midgets.....
- I want to thank everyone here for teaching me the word "Plethora" It means a lot
- War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
- What do you call it when a kid teaches their parents? Learning from your mistakes.
- If any of you can teach me how to fix a broken hinge... My door is always open.
- I tried teaching my dog how to dance, but it turns out... ...he's got 2 left feet.
- I teach math I have problems.
- Why is teaching calculus so difficult in the South? They hate integration
Teach Kids Jokes
Here is a list of funny teach kids jokes and even better teach kids puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My kids were asking me how democracy works, so I let them vote on dinner as a teaching exercise.They picked pizza.. .. but I made tacos, because they don't live in a swing state.
- I started a summer camp for kids with add/adhd to teach them to manage their symptoms. It didn't do so well, people kept telling me Concentration Camp was a bad name.
- To teach my kids about the election I let them vote for dinner. They voted for pizza so I made tacos to teach them their vote doesn't matter anyway.
- I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fences
- I pulled my kid out of pre-school because they were indoctrinating him into a socialist liberal mindset Today, his teacher was teaching him how to share.
- My dad always believed in learning things by doing them so when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake
just so he could teach himself CPR - I got fired from my job as a math teacher I was supposed to teach the kids what sine divided by cosine was, but I kept going off on a tangent.
- In a job swapping exercise , a politician was assigned the job Of a math teacher .
Guess what did he teach the kids in the class.
Division - My son's arts and crafts class isn't graded. I'm glad they teach kids how worthless a liberal-arts degree is at such a young age.
- How do you teach a kid to climb stairs? There is a step by step guide
Uproarious Teach Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about teach you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean learn jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make teach pranks.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."
Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an "i" in it.
Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an 'i' in it.
Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Johnny, when you say 'i', it should be followed by 'am'
Johnny: Okay, I am the 9th letter of the alphabet
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face
I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery.
None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.
A teacher said to her class, "Suppose you were all millionaires, write what you would do"...
Everyone immediately began to write furiously, except little Johnny, who kicked back and put his feet on the table. The teacher walked over to him. "Why aren't you writing Johnny?" she asked. Johnny looked up. "I'm waiting for my secretary."
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
A teacher walks into a bar and says "Can I have a beer"
The barman says "I don't know, CAN YOU?"
The best jokes also teach you something.
In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.
Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with "I".
Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with "I".
Paul: I is the...
Teacher: No, Paul . You must say "I am" not "I is."
Paul: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"
S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"
T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"
S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"
Teacher - how did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or internet ?
Student- I've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters !!
A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol
So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.
He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.
He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"
His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"
-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-
I try to teach my mom something new everyday.
Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.
Give man a jacket and he'll be warm when he goes outside.
Teach a man to jack it and he'll never go outside again.
Teacher to student If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Student: One dollar.
Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.
Student: You don't know my father.
Give a man a jacket
Give a man a jacket and he can leave the house during Winter.
Teach a man to jack it and he'll never leave the house.
A teacher asks her 2nd grade class...
"Who's a Trump fan?"
Not wanting to look s**... for not knowing what that meant, they all raised their hands except for Johnny.
"And why aren't you a Trump fan?" she asked, used to Johnny always trying to be different.
"Because I'm a Sanders fan" he replied.
"And why are you a Sanders fan?"
"Because mommy and daddy are"
"And if mommy and daddy were idiots, what would that make you?" she asked
"A Trump fan"
A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.
"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.
A teacher was giving a math lesson...
...and she asked one of her students, "If you had two dollars, and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"
The student replied, "Two dollars."
"Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition.
"No," the student said, "you just don't know my father."
Give a man a jacket, and he will be warm for the day.
Teach a man to jacket, and he will never leave his house.
My teacher asked me if I knew any anagrams of "denied".
I said, "Indeed".
Whenever I go out, I always wear a stethoscope.
That way, in the event of a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
All these people are so quick to criticize Melania Trump for wanting to take on cyber bullying when that's something her husband has a problem with
But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day,
Teach a man to phish and he'll empty an old woman's savings account.
Teacher: Tell me the sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
A first grade teacher was trying to teach her students about animals
She said "What does the fat Cow give us?"
Her students shouted out "Milk!" Unanimously.
She then said "Well done! Now, what does the fluffy chicken give us?"
Her students responded with "Eggs!"
She then said "Good work! Now for the last question. What does the big pig give us?"
Her students paused for a moment and they all shouted "Homework!"
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime
Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is
A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus"
Teacher: You have the same mistakes as the person next to you, how could that happen?
Me: We have the same teacher.
Teacher asks class: "use the word Dandelion in a sentence"
Teacher asks class: "use the word Dandelion in a sentence"
Jamaican student: "the cheetah is faster dandelion"
*Everyone dies*
A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!"
A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"
Teacher: "What can you get from a chicken?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
Teacher:"Anyone who thinks they're s**... stand up!"
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's s**... may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some s**... students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're s**...?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
Give a man a gun, he'll rob a bank
Teach a man to run a bank, he'll rob the American people.
As the teacher marked my quiz answers, she said, "This is wrong."
"Question 2 ?" I asked.
"No, the way your hand is resting between my thighs."
My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.
She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks they're s**..., stand up"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher:"There has to be at least one s**... student here"
*Timmy stands up*
Teacher:"Timmy do you think you're s**...?"
Timmy:"No, I just felt bad that you were standing alone"
Do you know any jokes?
**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"
**Me:** "No."
**Her:** "I'll teach you one."
"Knock! Knock!"
**Me:** "Who's there?"
**Her:** "Ash."
"Now ask, Ash: who?"
**Me:** "Ash: who?"
**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."
**Me: rekt**
Teacher : Why didn't you write your homework? Pupil : My dad is in a hospital
*7 days later* T : why didn't you write your homework this time?
P : my dad is still in the hospital.
T : wow, this must be serious.
*1 month later*
T : Let me guess, you didn't do your homework because your father is still in the hospital.
P : Indeed.
T: well, how come?
P : he's a doctor.
My teacher told me to turn in my essay
But I ain't no snitch
Teacher: What do you do after school?
1st Student: I go and buy w**... from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy c**... from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakobo
Teacher - 'Use dandelion in a sentence'
Jamaican student - 'De cheetah is faster dandelion'
Teacher: tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"
Teacher: tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"
Student: I is the...
Teacher: stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: okay! I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
A teacher says to her class "whoever answers my next question can go home."
One boy at the back of the class throws his bag out the window.
"Who just threw that? Demands the teacher.
"Me" replied the boy. "And I'm going home."
Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?
A curious child asked his mother: Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!
The child replied innocently: Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.
Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day
Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land
I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.
Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."
My teacher accused me of plagiarising my paper.
His words. Not mine.
Teacher at parents meeting :
- Your boy was caught smoking m**... !!!
The mother :
- Oh my God. I wonder where he found it from ??
- He said he got it from his best friend.
The father, wiping a happy tear :
- My boy really said that ... ?
Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day.
Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.
My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language
She says it's private.
My teacher asked me to describe myself in 5 words...
Lazy
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
But so far I've made three j**... and a vase and they're lovely.
Give a man a jacket..
and he'll be warm outside. Teach him to jacket and he won't ever leave the house
My teacher asked me how I view lesbian relationships...
Apparently 1080p Full Screen HD wasn't the right answer.
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
What do you call parents who don't teach their children about safe s**...?
Grandparents!
A teacher is teaching a 5th grade class on Zoom.
The teacher says to Susie, "Tell the class why you want to be a teacher."
Susie says, "Actually, I want to be a stripper."
The teacher asks, "A stripper? I thought you wanted to do my noble profession."
Susie says, "That was before I saw your tiny apartment."
Teacher came to Jack's desk
-You had the same answers in your test as Stan. So you must have cheated.
-How do you know that Stan didn't look at my answers? Jack defended himself.
-Stan had written "I don't know" and you had written "I don't know either"...
A student says to the teacher, "you only teach useless c**..."
to which the teacher replies, "hey there no need to be so hard on yourself"
A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"
Give a man some clothes and he'll be clothed for a day.
Teach a man to weave and he'll be n**... for a very long time.
Teacher: what is 4+2?
Johnny: 3!
Teacher: Yes, you are right.
Teacher asks their class of children to come up with a sentence beginning with "I"
After a few children come to the front with predictable statements about having a cat or a certain toy, a child steps up and says
"I is-" and is immediately interrupted by the teacher,
"I *am*!"
She side-eyes the teacher, frowns and ignores her teacher, starting again
"I is-" again, the teacher interrupts her, this time a little more snappily
"It's I *am*! Use the proper word!"
The girl turns to look at her this time, eyelids drooped with exasperation.
"Fine," she sighs "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
A teacher told his students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted, angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
Give a man a fish you'll feed him for a day
Teach a man to fish and he'll spend thousands of dollars on equipment and go once a year
Teacher:
Whoever answers my next question can go home.
Little Johnny throws his bag out of the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Little Johnny: Me, and I'm going home now!
The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.
"He stopped calling for help yesterday
