Teachers Jokes

Following is our collection of classmates humor and pupil one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Teachers puns for adults, dirty tangents jokes or clean teachers question gags for kids.

There is an abundance of grade jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 74 funniest jokes on teachers. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any little johnny teacher witze you can hear about teachers.

The Best jokes about Teachers

If We're Going to Arm the Teachers

All I ask is that the librarians get silencers

Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school?

Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.

Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten

As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.

"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher

'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior

"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages

BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."

"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"

BB looks at her as if she's an idiot

"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*"

An Arab student emails his dad:

*An Arab student emails his dad:*

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.




*The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:*




My dear loving son,

Twenty million USD have just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love,
your Dad

At the 3rd grade violin rehearsal ...

... Donnie Corleone Jr. walks in, opens his violin case and unveils, to the shock of all, a tommy gun. The teachers are livid, panic nearly ensues, but Donnie just starts laughing uncontrollably.

"What's wrong with you? This is serious! Why are you laughing?"

"Because I just imagined dad holding up the bank with my violin."


Late for School

Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."

Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."

Mother: "Yes, you do."

Victor: "Give me one good reason."

Mother: "Because you're 34 years old, and you're the principal."

Waking up on a Monday morning...

On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go?"
"Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".

Do special ed teachers mark late students as tardy?

i have no shame.

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

As a former high schooler I'm glad online classes are becoming the norm. I remember having to witness teachers having sex with kids, meth being done in the bathrooms, and living with the fear of school shootings.

Being home schooled in Mississippi was rough.

Why can't people with a lazy eye be teachers?

They can't control their pupils!


I was expelled from school for masturbating in the showers

The teachers said I ruined the trip to Auschwitz

A mother wakes her son in the morning

'Get up, son, you have to get to school!'

'But Mum, why do I have to go? I hate it!'

'Tell me two reasons why you think you shouldn't go.'

'Firstly: all the kids hate me. Secondly: the teachers hate me even more.'

'Hmph, excuses! C'mon, go get ready!'

'Tell me two reasons why you think I should go!'

'Firstly: you're 47. Secondly: you're the headmaster!'

Why aren't there any Calculus teachers in Little Rock, Arkansas?

Because everyone there hates integration.

2 Reasons Why I Should go to School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

Teachers didn't have sex with students when I went to school

There were principles for that.

I know a guy that had a sexual relationship with one of his teachers

I suppose there's a lot less competition when you're homeschooled

Shoutout to my teachers from high school who said I would work at McDonalds

I have my first shift on Monday.


I think the $250 million we spent on bombs for Syria would have been better going to schools in our own country

Then there wouldn't be any teachers left to give raises to.

Why doesn't Alabama have calculus teachers.

They don't like integration.

An Arab student e-mails his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.


The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:


My dear loving son,

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love,
your Dad

A group of engineering proffesors got in a plane...

Before closing the doors, the flight attendants told them that the plane had been built by their own students. Scared, all of the teachers ran out of the plane, except one. The pilot came to him and asked him why he was so relaxed. The proffesor said "I know my students very well. And I'm sure that if this plane is really built by them, the thing won't even start!"

Alabama is canceling home schooling.

Apparently too many teachers were having sex with the students.

I was so excited when all my teachers called my work outstanding

I haven't even handed it in yet!

Give me two good reasons

Today, all schools reopened after a long summer vacation.

In one home in our neighbourhood, early this morning, a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up, Wake up, son. It's time to go to school.

SON : Awww Mom! I don't want to go to school.
MOM : Give me two good reasons why you don't want to go to school??
SON : "One, all the children hate me.
Two, all the teachers hate me!!
MOM : Oh! that's not a reason darling. Come on, you have to go to school.
SON : OK. You give me two good reasons, WHY I should go to school?
MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old, and should understand your responsibilities!
Two You are the 'PRINCIPAL' of the school "πŸ˜‚

News just in that American teachers will now be armed with 9mm Glocks.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk?

My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.

How many teachers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's not on the state standardized test and light bulbs aren't in the budget.

10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.

One of the students who was on the plane to see how their plane worked, approached the professor, thanking him for trusting them.

To which he replies "if my students really made this plane I'm 100% confident this won't even take off"

Math Joke

The "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers, scientists, and teachers can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be proved by mathematics based on the two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As any engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since: Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money

Then: Knowledge = Work / Money.

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Im Ok With Arming Teachers,

As long as the librarians get silencers.

What do the Backstreet Boys and Algebra teachers have in common?

They both want you to tell them Y.

Why is it fun to date teachers?

Because if you don't get it right the first time they make you do it again ;)

Can teachers give homeless kids...

... homework?

A man in need of a brain

A man was dying in the hospital and he needed a new brain or he wouldn't survive for long, the doctor told him there were 3 available brains but each with a price.

The first one was an professor's brain that costs 3000 dollar

The second brain was a teachers brain that costs 2500 dollar

The third brain was the brain of a blonde woman that costs a good 9000 dollar

The man asks why the blondes brain is so expensive

The doctor replies: because it's never used

Time to go to school

Mom: Time to wake up and go to school!

Son: No, I don't wanna go to school today!

Mom: But you have to go to school.

Son: But, I don't wanna go to school.

Mom: Give me three good reasons why you should stay home, and I will give you three reasons why you need to go to school.

Son: Well, all the students hate me…and…All the teachers hate me…and… I just don't wanna go to school.

Mom: Well I have a lot to do today, and I can't take care of you today…

Two, you are over 40-years-old…

And three, you are the principal.

Cocaine in school

One of the teachers at my local school for obese children, was fired today. He was fired for doing cocaine before going to work. He was ratted out by his large pupils.

In the morning, the mother wakes up the child "Come on, wake up, you know the quarantine is over and school starts again!"

"But, mom, why do I have to go? I hate school!"

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"One: all children hate me, two: all teachers hate me even more!"

"These are just excuses, get up once and for all!"

"But then YOU give me two reasons to go."

"One: you are 41 years old, two: you are the school principal!"

I'm an atheist with a god-complex...

...which explains why all my highschool teachers always said I never believed in myself.

Carpet matches the curtains

10 year olds Andy, Ben, and Chuck are having lunch at school on Monday morning and Andy says, "My Pa said that Mrs. Jones carpet doesn't match the curtains. What does that mean?"

Ben informs him that it is when a lady's pubic hair doesn't match the hair on her head.

Chuck proposes that they see if their respective teachers, Mrs Adams, Ms Brown, and Mrs Carter have matching carpet and curtains.

The boys spend the week trying to peek up their teachers' skirts. They meet up at lunch on Friday to discuss their discoveries.

Andy says, "It's a scandal: Mrs Adams bleaches her hair blonde, she's actually a brunette."

Ben says, "It's so crazy: Ms Brown dyes her hair red, she's actually a blonde."

Chuck says, "That's nothing: Mrs Carter wears a wig!"

There was an incident at my school today--one of the teachers caught a boy sharpening an arrowhead under his desk. She called 911, and the police got involved.

As it turns out, though, it was just a kid knapping.

Checkmate Democrats

If teachers don't have arms, how are they supposed to write on the board?

A mother tries to convince her son to go to school

Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up, Wake up, son. It's time to go to school.

Son: Awww Mom! I don't want to go to school.

Mom: Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school.

Son:
One, all the children hate me.
Two, all the teachers hate me.

Mom: Oh, that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.

Son: Okay, you give me two good reasons why I should go to school!"

Mom:
One,
you are FIFTY-TWO years old,
And should understand your responsibilities.

Two,
You're the principal of the school! "

Why are math teachers so unhappy?

Because they have a lot of problems.

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper

They're always plotting something.

A Jewish kid's parents sent him to a Jewish school

After a week he was kicked for bad behavior, so they sent him to another Jewish school. He was kicked from there as well, so they chose to send him to a Catholic school instead.

After a month they came to a school meeting, and the teachers praised the kid and said he does really well.

They asked the kid what was up. He said that at his first day at school, while they were showing him around, the teacher showed him a man hanged on a cross and said "See? He was Jewish too".

whats a math teachers favorite soda

root beer

A group of engineering teachers get on a plane...

After everyone settle to their seats, the captain starts speaking:

"Hello everyone, this is the captain speaking. I want you to all know that this plane was built by your students!".

After hearing this, all the teachers started running off the plane and refused to fly, except one. The last teacher staying comfortable in his seat was asked why was he so calm, to which he replies:

"I have full confidence in my students, if they really built this plane, then I'm sure the captain won't even manage to start it up."

Schools are always telling you to "follow your dreams..."

But my teachers never let me sleep in class.

High Urinals

High Urinals
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon) - but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinals.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, helping them to hold on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.' 'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

Why don't personal teachers fart in public?

Because they're private tooters!

A day at the races

Two female teachers took a group of pupils from years 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Epsom Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.



The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'willies' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.



As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in year 3?



'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Atlantic Jewell in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.

What's the difference between school and church?

In school, the teachers care about you mentally, at church, the priests care about you physically.

Why don't English teachers like parole?

They prefer complete sentences.

I don't fuss over the difference between "can" and "may" like other English teachers.

In fact, once a student asked me this: "Can you give me an example of future progressive tense?"
I responded with "Certainly. I will be seeing you after class."

He must have wanted another example, as he was still standing in my classroom when I arrived the next day.

The karate student kept killing all his teachers...

I guess he became desenseitized

Where do math teachers go on vacation?

To Times Square.

Mother is waking her son: Paulie, come, wake up, you have to go to school.

Aw mom, just a bit more sleep, please.

No, it's really high time, now get up.

But I don't want to. The children annoy me and the teachers are a complete pain!

Stop it, now. Get up and off to school with you!

Mom, give me two good reasons why I should go to the stupid school.

Paulie, first of all, you're **45**, and second, you're the **headmaster**.

Why is this fair?

A guy in my class asked out a girl and he got a girlfriend. So I asked out a girl and lost my teachers licence. -\_-

Why do kindergarten teachers have bad eyesight?

Because their pupils are small.

There is this Jewish boy who was born into a nice family...

There is this Jewish boy who was born into a nice family. He was a very smart boy, but he never did well in school because he lacked motivation. His parents tried everything: meeting with his teachers, one on one tutoring, etc.; however, nothing seemed to help. Eventually, they decided to send him to a private school, thinking a different environment would him good. Unfortunately, there are not many Jewish private schools, so they had to settle on sending him to a Catholic school. Surprisingly, this worked. The parents got his first report card and were astounded: all A's. The parents wondered what brought about the change. They said to their son "You made all A's! Even in math! (previously his worst subject) what changed?" The son replied "When I walked in on the first day and saw the Jewish guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were serious."

A man walks into a church confession booth ...

"Father, I have a confession to make; I had a threesome with two hot teachers."

"Well my son, we all have our transgressions. I want to you say 10 Hail Mary's".

"Father I can't do that, I'm Jewish !"

"Then why are you telling me this ? "

"Father, I'm telling EVERYBODY"

The ironic thing about teachers is that they tell us to follow our dreams...

but will get mad when we fall asleep in their class.

Why don't calculus teachers go to bars?

Because they don't want to drink and derive.

My son came home and said "I got the Zucker Award today at school!"

I said, "What's that?"

He said, "A big building with teachers and kids in it, dad, but that's not important right now"

Just one word

With the new school year, teachers hand out those "we'd like to know more about you" forms for the students to fill out. One of the questions was "Use one word to describe yourself". My son's answer:

"Can't follow directions"

What state do the most math teachers come from?

Mathachusits!

Mom: - "Get up Liam, you will be late for school."

- "But I don't wanna go, all the teachers and students hate me."
- "You have to go."
- "Give me one reason why I should go."
- "Your 35, and you're the principal."

Which teachers care the most about their students?

Math teachers, because every student counts.

What do you call a convention for English teachers?

Comma-Con

I was intrigued by finding out all these students were having sex with their teachers, so I decided to join the club.

It didn't occur to me until 3 weeks after I had sex with my teacher that I'm home schooled.....

My least favorite subject in school was Ancient History.

The teachers tended to Babylon

How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well I'm not just going to tell you. You need to figure it out yourself.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes