teach Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious teach puns

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

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Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an "i" in it.

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an 'i' in it.

Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No, Johnny, when you say 'i', it should be followed by 'am'

Johnny: Okay, I am the 9th letter of the alphabet

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Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year

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Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.

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My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

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My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me.

**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"

**Me:** "No."

**Her:** "I'll teach you one."


"Knock! Knock!"

**Me:** "Who's there?"

**Her:** "Ash."


"Now ask, Ash: who?"

**Me:** "Ash: who?"

**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."

**Me: rekt**

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A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face

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Give a man a cheeseburger, you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to cheeseburger, I'm high as hell.

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A shark and his son go looking for a snack...

The father says, "I'm going to teach you how to catch a human. First you raise your fin out of the water and start circling, then you go in and eat them."

"Why circle them?" asks the son.

The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."

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Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"

Bobby: I is...

Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".

Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.

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A teacher says to her class "whoever answers my next question can go home."

One boy at the back of the class throws his bag out the window.

"Who just threw that? Demands the teacher.

"Me" replied the boy. "And I'm going home."

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To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

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A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus"

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While teaching a class,

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:


"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"


Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."


"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"


Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

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Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? (Original joke)

Because that's where students have the most potential.

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Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

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Give a man a jacket

He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.

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I try to teach my mom something new everyday.

Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

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It's a healthy relationship

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

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A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either, but I'd really like someone to use fascinate."

Little Johnny had his hand waving the whole time, and the teacher knew he's usually naughty but how could he mess up the word fascinate, so she called on him.
"My Aunt Jenny always wears a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten 8!"

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My daughter just lost her first tooth!

That'll teach her to talk back.

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A teacher asks the children in her class what they done at the weekend...

"I went out for the day, and rode on the choo choo", said Billy.

"Billy", said the teacher, "we don't use childish and immature language in my class. You rode on a train... Steve?"

"My dad and I went go-karting but I crashed and got a boo boo", said Steve.

"Steve, I just said we do not use immature and childish words. You injured yourself... And class, I don't want to hear any of you use silly, childish, immature words. Okay, Johnny?"

"My mum and dad took me to the cinema to see the new Christopher Robin film with that bear Winnie The Shit."

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Teacher asks Johnny, "What's Wrong?"

Johnny :- Our house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny, are you asleep?'

I say No & he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye

Teacher:- Tonight, when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.

The following morning Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again.

Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again?
Johnny:- Dad asked me if I was asleep. I shut up & kept dead still.
Then my mum and dad started moving at the same time.
Mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically &
squealing like a hyena on the bed.
Then my dad asked my mum, "Are you coming?"
Mum said, "Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?"
Dad answered:- Yes.

Well, they don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, "wait for me, I'm coming too".

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Give man a jacket and he'll be warm when he goes outside.

Teach a man to jack it and he'll never go outside again.

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When I said to my teacher,I had 26 pets, didn't believe me. So I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

Teacher freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then he killed the last Iraqi with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?

"Stay the hell away from Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!

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A teacher asks her class

to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

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Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use 3 times a year

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Johnny was in class one day...

and the teacher was asking everyone what their parents do. One said her dad was a firefighter, another said his mom was a nurse. When the teach asked Johnny what his dad does Johnny said "Well my dad is a stripper in a gay bar, and if the guy looks good and the money is right he'll have sex with him out back in the alley." The teacher asked everyone to take their seats and sit quietly, then asked Johnny to step into the hall. She asked Johnny if his dad was really a stripper in a gay bar and Johnny said "Absolutely not. He's the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, but I was too embarrassed to say that."

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.

"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.

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Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime

Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

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I love my wife

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

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*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"

T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"

S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"

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Give a Nigerian a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he becomes a prince.

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Teacher: You have the same mistakes as the person next to you, how could that happen?

Me: We have the same teacher.

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All these people are so quick to criticize Melania Trump for wanting to take on cyber bullying when that's something her husband has a problem with

But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read

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My teacher asked me to describe myself in 5 words...

Lazy

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The Dragonborn is pissed I won't teach him the first part of Unrelenting Force.

I don't see what all the fus is about.

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Teacher asks a question

Teacher: "whoever answers my next question can go home"

Jimmy throws his bag out the window

Teacher: "who just threw that?"

Jimmy: "that was me"

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Make the little things count...

teach midgets arithmetic.

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Give a man a gun, he'll rob a bank

Teach a man to run a bank, he'll rob the American people.

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Teacher: tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"

Teacher: tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"

Student: I is the...

Teacher: stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".

Student: okay! I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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One of my favourite jokes

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

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A teacher asks her class...

A teacher asks her class "if there are 5 birds sitting on a wall and you shoot one of them how many are left?" She calls on little johnny "none they all fly away at the first gunshot" the teacher replies "the correct answer is 4 but I like your thinking" then little johnny replies "now I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench eating ice cream. One is delicately liking the sides of a triple scoop ice cream, the second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone and the third is biting of the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher blushes and replies "well I guess the one that is gobbling down top and sucking the cone" "the correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking"

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There's this Pimp and he's got 3 hos

This joke doesn't work when written, because there's elements of physical comedy involved. My intent is to teach you the joke and hope you use it well. Without further ado, here's the joke

There's this pimp and he's got 3 hos. He says to the first ho "Where's the 100 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 50" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me.

He says to the second ho "Where's the 200 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 100" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me.

He says to the first ho "Where's the 300 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 200" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me.

He says to the fourth ho "Where's the 400 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 300" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me.

He says to the fifth ho "Where's the 500 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 400" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me....

Keep going in this vein until someone interrupts you to say "wait, you said he only had 3 hos" at which point you slap them and say "BITCH, don't correct me.

Yes I have gotten my ass kicked for telling this joke, but it was way worth it.

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Why don't they teach Calculus in the Deep South?

Because they don't like integration.

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A teacher speaks to his straight-F pupil

"With grades like this you'll never achieve anything in your life. You'll end up a loser"

Fast forward 20 years later. Retired teacher is deadly ill, only a very risky and expensive surgery can save him.
It happens that the best surgeon in the country knows the old man and aggrees to save him for free.

After surgery, when teacher wakes up, the grown-up straight-F student comes into the recovery room.

He unplugs the life support and plugs in his vacuum cleaner.

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A teacher was giving a math lesson...

...and she asked one of her students, "If you had two dollars, and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"

The student replied, "Two dollars."

"Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition.

"No," the student said, "you just don't know my father."

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My teacher accused me of plagiarism

His words not mine.

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Teacher - 'Use dandelion in a sentence'

Jamaican student - 'De cheetah is faster dandelion'

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Teacher : Why didn't you write your homework? Pupil : My dad is in a hospital

*7 days later* T : why didn't you write your homework this time?

P : my dad is still in the hospital.

T : wow, this must be serious.

*1 month later*

T : Let me guess, you didn't do your homework because your father is still in the hospital.

P : Indeed.

T: well, how come?

P : he's a doctor.

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Teacher at parents meeting :

- Your boy was caught smoking marijuana !!!

The mother :

- Oh my God. I wonder where he found it from ??

- He said he got it from his best friend.

The father, wiping a happy tear :

- My boy really said that ... ?

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Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land

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A teacher asks her 2nd grade class...

"Who's a Trump fan?"

Not wanting to look stupid for not knowing what that meant, they all raised their hands except for Johnny.

"And why aren't you a Trump fan?" she asked, used to Johnny always trying to be different.

"Because I'm a Sanders fan" he replied.

"And why are you a Sanders fan?"

"Because mommy and daddy are"

"And if mommy and daddy were idiots, what would that make you?" she asked

"A Trump fan"

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Give a man a jacket, and he will be warm for the day.

Teach a man to jacket, and he will never leave his house.

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Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day.

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.

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I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery.

None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.

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My teacher accused me of plagiarising my paper.

His words. Not mine.

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Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of the math class...

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

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I try to teach my mom something new everyday

Because apparently you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

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Teacher: "What can you get from a chicken?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

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A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence...

...that contains the word "contagious."

Amy stands up and says "Last week my mummy had the flu. It was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Then Becky stands up and says "a long time ago the Bubonic Plague affected a lot of Europe and because it was very contagious a lot of people died." "Very good," says the teacher. "One more?"

Little Johnny then stands up and says "my next door neighbour recently started painting his house with a two-inch brush. My Daddy says it'll take the contagious."

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Give a man corn and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to grow corn and he'll kill you and steal your land.

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Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!

The child replied innocently: Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.

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My son lost his first tooth today.

That will teach him to talk back...

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Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he becomes a prince.

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Memory trick

Two very elderly couples bump into each other in the street, Jack says " hi there George, how are you?" George says " Great! we've just been to that new memory clinic, they teach you how to remember things using word association, it's really good" Jack asks " really? what's the name of the clinic?" George thinks for a moment and then says " let me see, eh, what do you call that flower with a thorny stem?"
Jack says "A rose"?
"Ah yes that's it" George turns to his wife...."Rose, what's the name of that clinic"?

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A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!"

A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"

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Teacher: What do you do after school?

1st Student: I go and buy weed from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakoboο»Ώ

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6 signs that you had one glass too many

1. All girls look beautiful. It doesn't matter if they have beards.

2. You can't use your fork because it has 1 tine and 4 handles.

3. Lights are out in the restroom. But it smells nice, and they have clothes hanging instead of toilet paper.

4. Someone called you an asshole. But you are not sure... Maybe not an asshole. Or maybe not you. Anyway, you should teach these bastards a lesson!!

5. Barman doesn't want to take your money. He says that's not what money looks like.

6. You tried to tie your shoelace, but it electrocuted you.

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Teacher asks Johnny what he want to be when he grows up.

"I Wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive club, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari over a million, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe; an Infinite visa card, and make love to her three times a day."
The teacher, not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:
"And you, Tanya?"
"Ma'am, I have no doubt, I want to be Johnny's bitch..."

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A teacher walks into a bar and says "Can I have a beer"

The barman says "I don't know, CAN YOU?"

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A teacher said to her class, "Suppose you were all millionaires, write what you would do"...

Everyone immediately began to write furiously, except little Johnny, who kicked back and put his feet on the table. The teacher walked over to him. "Why aren't you writing Johnny?" she asked. Johnny looked up. "I'm waiting for my secretary."

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Dad's job

(German here)

The teacher asks the children what their dad's are doing for a job. All very exited shouted all different professions;

"Police Office, Fireman, banker, accountant, ..." ... only Hans remained quiet.

So, the teach asks "Hans, what is you dad doing as a job?"

"Oh, he's dancing naked at a gay club and sometimes man pay him more money and they go to a motel together".

"Is that true, Hans?" The teacher asks shocked.

"No, he's playing football (soccer) for the German national team but that would have been too embarrassing.

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Teach a Nigerian to fish...

He'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start emailing people.

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My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

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Teacher: "Anyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up"

*Nobody stands up*
Teacher:"There has to be at least one stupid student here"
*Timmy stands up*
Teacher:"Timmy do you think you're stupid?"
Timmy:"No, I just felt bad that you were standing alone"

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A teacher is working on word problems with her students

A teacher is working on word problems with her students and asks, "if there are 3 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?" A boy raises his hand and says, "zero. Because if you shoot one the other two fly away" The teacher responds, "no, there's two left but that's creative and I like the way you think." After that the boy says "ok, three women are sitting on a bench eating ice cream. One is biting it, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which woman is married?" The teacher says, "well I guess the one sucking it." The boy replies, "no, it's the one wearing a wedding ring but I like the way you think."

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Teacher asks class: "use the word Dandelion in a sentence"

Teacher asks class: "use the word Dandelion in a sentence"

Jamaican student: "the cheetah is faster dandelion"

*Everyone dies*

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Teacher makes a call to her student to inform: "I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off"

The student makes a call to his dad immediately: "I'm off tomorrow lets go to picnic!"

The dad makes a call to his secretary immediately: " I'm busy tomorrow, lets postpone our date to the next day!"

The secretary makes a call to her husband: "Honey, i'm not going out on a business trip tomorrow, lets hangout!"

The husband makes a call to the teacher: "Honey, my wife is off tomorrow, you don't come.

The teacher makes another call to the student: "Tomorrow we go to school as usual."

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Tarzan and Jane

One day, Jane decides to teach Tarzan about sex.
As she is giving him the basics, Tarzan goes:
"Oh, Tarzan know sex. Tarzan sometimes do with hole in tree"
Horrified, Jane goes:
"My word, Tarzan, no, that's so terribly wrong. Here," she lays down on her back and opens her legs "You have to put it in here."
Tarzan takes off his loincloth, walks up to Jane and - BAM - kicks her as hard as he can, right in the snatch.
Jane proceeds to roll around on the ground in agony.
Finally, once she is able to draw breath, she goes
"Dear God, what the hell did you do that for?"
With a huge grin, he replies
"Tarzan not stupid. Always check for bees first"

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Tried teaching my baby to say Daddy

Me: "Say Daddy!"

Baby: "Mama!"

Me: "Come on... Say Daddy!"

Baby: "MAMA!"

Me: "Fuck you. Say Daddy dammit!"

Baby: Fuck you! Mama!!"

Wife: "Honey, I'm home."

Baby: "Fuck you!"

Wife: "What? Who taught you to say that!?"

Baby: "Daddy!"

Me: "Son of a bitch..."

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My teacher told me to turn in my essay

But I ain't no snitch

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A teacher asks her kids in class....

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

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Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with "I".

Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with "I".
Paul: I is the...

Teacher: No, Paul . You must say "I am" not "I is."
Paul: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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Give a man a jacket and he will never be cold.

Teach a man to jack it and he will never leave the house.

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Teacher, "Why is your cat in class today?"

Teacher, "Why is your cat in class today?"

Kid, "Because I heard my dad tell my mom, "I'm going to eat that pussy once our son leaves for school today."

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Sixty-nine (NSFW)

One day an old man decided to update his bedroom skills and surprise the wife, so he went to see a prostitute and asked her to teach him something new.

Prostitute: How about I teach you "69"?
Old man: What's that?
Prostitute: Just lay back and let me show you.

After getting into position, the man is really enjoying the new position when the prostitute accidentally farts.

Old man: What was that?
Prostitute: That was nogthing. Just keep going.

So they carry on a little longer until she lets another one really rip. This time the old man gets her off him and wants out.

Prostitute: What's wrong? Weren't you enjoying it?
Old man: I don't think I can handle another 67 of those.

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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day,

Teach a man to phish and he'll empty an old woman's savings account.

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The best jokes also teach you something.

In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.

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Teacher: Tell me the sentence that starts with an "I".

Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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I tried teaching my mom how to build a PC

But all it did was make my motherboard

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Teacher and Student

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: Who just threw that?

Boy: Me and I'm going home now.

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As the teacher marked my quiz answers, she said, "This is wrong."

"Question 2 ?" I asked.

"No, the way your hand is resting between my thighs."

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You Should'nt mess with a gambler:P

Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win.

The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a bet with you,she replied ok what?
Johnny said I'll bet you fifty dollars I can tell you what color panties you have on.

She agreed and told him after the last bell he was to stay in the room and then he could guess.

while Johnny and the class were at recess the teacher took her panties off and put them in her purse.

When school was out Johnny stayed in the classroom and the teacher locked the door and said okay Johnny what color are they?

He replied yellow. so the teacher raised her dress and said no your wrong, I'm not wearing any. Johnny asked her to walk him out to his dads car and he would get her money.

so as Johnny passed his dad going to the car the teacher told his dad that Johnny finally got beat.
He said what do you mean she said Johnny bet me fifty dollars he could tell me what color panties I had on so I took them off.

The father replied that son of a bitch he bet me a hundred dollars he could see your pussy before the end of the Day.=)) X_X.

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A teacher asked me

If I gave you Β£20 and you gave Β£5 to Katie, Β£5 to Claire and Β£5 to Lauren, what would you have?

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and a kebab is not the answer.

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A teacher says to her first grade class

"Alright kids, from now on, we must use grown up words. Now Tommy, what did you do this weekend?"

"I rode on a Choo-Choo", said Tommy

"No Tommy, you rode on a train, please use more grown-up words. Now Jacky, what did you do this weekend?"
"I played with my woof woof", said Jacky

"No Jacky, you should say you played with your dog. Now Suzy, what did you do this weekend?"

"Well," she said, "I watched a television show"

"See, those are grown-up words. Now Suzy, what show did you watch?"

Suzy thought for a second and proudly said, "Winnie the Shit"

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Make the little things count

Teach math to midgets

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I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.

Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."

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A teacher, a lawyer, and a Catholic priest are on a plane.

One of the plane's engines fails, and the plane begins to go down. During the rapid descent, the teacher stands up and exclaims, "We must save the children!". The lawyer then stands and says, "Fuck the children!". Upon hearing this, the Catholic priest rises and asks, "Do we have time?!".

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My teacher asked me if I knew any anagrams of "denied".

I said, "Indeed".

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A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol

So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.

He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.

He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"

His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"

-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-

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Teacher: "Use the word dandelion in a sentence"

Student: "De cheetah is faster dandelion"

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Give a man a jacket

Give a man a jacket and he can leave the house during Winter.

Teach a man to jack it and he'll never leave the house.

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Teacher - how did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or internet ?

Student- I've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters !!

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Teacher to student If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Student: One dollar.
Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.
Student: You don't know my father.

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The teacher asked little Johnny..........

The teacher asked little Johnny, What's two and two? .
He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, Four, teacher? .
She said, Yes, that's right, but you counted on your fingers. Put your hands behind behind your back and tell me what's three and three .
He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, Six, teacher? .
She said, Yes, that's right, but you're still counting on your fingers.
Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what's five and five .
He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, Eleven, teacher? .

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The missionary and the black sheep

A young missionary travels to Senegal to teach God's way to a local tribe.

Upon reaching the village, he is not well received by the inhabitants, but he slowly and steadily create contact.
After many years he's finally accepted by the people and goes along well with everyone, until one day the chief's daughter gives birth to a white child.

Infuriated but not ungrateful for what the missionary has done for the village, he gives him one chance to explain himself in private.

The young man, who is innocent, tells him "I have nothing to do with it, it is just a hazard of the genetics. It's the same as with sheeps, most of them are white but sometimes a black one is born for no reason".

The chief steps back a little, gives a frightened look to the missionary, then whispers : "Ok, I won't say a word about my daugther, but don't you tell anyone about the sheep"

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Whenever I go out, I always wear a stethoscope.

That way, in the event of a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

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Make the little things count

Teach midgets math

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Teacher:"Anyone who thinks they're stupid stand up!"

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

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"Definitely"

One day a teacher decided to teach her first grade students about using the word "definitely."

"Does anybody already think they know how to use the word 'definitely' correctly?" she asked the class.

A girl in the front row raised her hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue."

"Actually, the sky can change colors all the time!" replied the teacher. "It can be blue, grey, or even green. Good try though! Anybody else?"

A boy in the front raised his hand and said, "Trees are definitely green."

"In the fall, trees can be red, orange, or even purple! Anybody else think they know how to use 'definitely'?"

At this point, Little Jonny raised his hand in the back row. The teacher was hesitant to call on him, but she couldn't really ignore it. "Yes Jonny?"

"Do farts have lumps?" he asked.

"Jonny! That kind of language will not be tolerated in this classroom. Not only that, but you didn't even use the word 'definitely'! But in response to your question, no, farts do not have lumps."

Little Jonny shifted in his seat, and said, "Then I definitely just shit my pants."

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A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things

The first little boy says, "Alligator.""Very good, that's a big word."The second boy says, "Predator." "Yes, that's another big word. Well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss." After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything." "Well my Mum has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

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Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?

They don't want to wear out the camel.

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An old lady was arrested for shoplifting carrots.

At her court hearing the judge looked at her and said "I'm going to sentence you to one month for every carrot you stole to teach you a lesson..you stole four carrots so that's four months jail time for you."

Before he could swing his gavel down the old lady's husband raises his hand and says "Your honor, can I make a statement on behalf of my wife before you pass sentencing?"

The judge says "Yes, make it quick I have other cases to try today."

The husband looks at his wife, then the judge and says "She also stole a can of peas."

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A first grade teacher was trying to teach her students about animals

She said "What does the fat Cow give us?"
Her students shouted out "Milk!" Unanimously.
She then said "Well done! Now, what does the fluffy chicken give us?"
Her students responded with "Eggs!"
She then said "Good work! Now for the last question. What does the big pig give us?"
Her students paused for a moment and they all shouted "Homework!"

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A teacher asks Johnny, "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"I want to be a billionaire, go to the most expensive club, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe; an infinite Visa card, and make love to her three times a day."
The teacher, not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson: "and you Marie?"
"Ma'am, I have no doubt, I want to be Johnny's bitch!"

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A teacher does a quiz with her class.

She asks the children:" So guys what walks on four legs and hurts to touch?" So one kid goes:" A hedgehog" the teacher responds:" I was thinking of a porcupine, but I like the way that you think, next question, what has wheels and takes me to school?" The same kid answers:" Your car". "It is my bike, but I like the way you think", the teacher says. So the kid asks if he can say a question and the teacher accepts. "What is hard, has a red head, and when you rub it right, its head explodes" the kid goes. The teacher turns red and angrily says that the kid will have detention. The kid just says:" It is a matchstick, but I like the way you think".

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Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question, can go home."

Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question, can go home."

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: "Who just threw that?!"

Boy: Me! And I'm going home now.

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A teacher does a classroom experiment

The teacher has three jars, one filled with alcohol, one filled with cigarette smoke, and one filled with soil.
The teacher puts a few worms in each jar and says to the students we'll see which jar is thriving tomorrow.
The next day the worms in the jars with the alcohol and cigarette smoke are dead while the worms in the jar of the soil are alive and well. The teacher asks the students what they've learned from the experience. One student raises his hand and says, well if I drink and smoke I won't have worms in me.

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A father decided that it's time to teach his daughters some sex education.

A father has decided that his three daughters were now old enough to understand the more serious things in life, so he called them one by one to his room.

When the first one came in, he took down his pants and asked if his daughter knew what it was. His daughter replied, "Yes daddy, that's a penis." Shocked that his daughter already knows so much, he grounded his daughter for a week.

He called his second daughter in and also took down his pants. When he asked if she knew what it was, she also replied, "Yes daddy, that's a penis." Needless to say, he also grounded her for one week.

He called his last daughter into the room, took down his pants, and asked if she knew what it was. She replied "No, daddy, what is it?" The father was happy, knowing that his daughter is pure.

"My good daughter, this is a penis." He says, starting his talk, but is is interrupted by his daughter saying,

"You call that a penis?"

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A teacher asks her student about his favorite tree...

Teacher: "Bob, which tree do you love most?"

Bob: "The eucalyptus is pretty"

Teacher: "That's nice. How do you spell eucalyptus?"

Bob: "Yep, can't go wrong with a good solid oak"

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Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

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Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"

Students: "Eggs!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Students: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Students: *"Homework!"*

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Teacher: If I gave you a dollar and your father gave you a dollar how much money would you have?

Me: 1 dollar
Teacher: You clearly don't know your arithmetic
Me: You clearly don't know my father

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The teacher walks into the class…

As she walks in is written on the board Johnny has a huge penis , she erase the board, and proceed class.

In the next day as she walk in, is written again in the board, Johnny has a huge penis , she them looks at the class and asks who wrote that, but no one answers. She then erase and start class.

Next day same thing, Johnny has a huge penis written on the board, she them goes mad, looks at Johnny and yells I will speak with you after class young man!

In the next day as she enter the class, written even bigger in the board is Marketing is the key of success!

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A teacher was speaking to her class about self-esteem.

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn't think anyone would stand up so she asked him, Why did you stand up? He answered, I didn't want to leave you standing up by yourself.

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Give a man a cheeseburger, and he'll eat for a day. But, teach a man to cheeseburger...

...I'm high as hell

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A teacher was called in by the police for accusations of child molestation

"What is your name sir?"

"Mark Stephens"

"How old are you?"

"37 years old"

"And what do you do for a living?"

"I teach school chilren"

"Come again?"

"I teach school chilren"

"Do you mean children?"

"What?"

"You said chilren, you forgot the D"

"Oh no, I put the D in children later"

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I was teaching my science class about the female anatomy:

"This is the vagina. This is the clitoris, and this is the anus. Any questions?"

"Yes," said one of the pupils, "Can I put my knickers back on now?"

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Fix a man's computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

Teach a man to fix his computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day...

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

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Things not to say after sex:

– You are better than your sister.

– When do I put the condom on?

– There's money on the counter.

– Alright who's gonna help me rebury this?

– Do you have aids ? I don't want to get it again.

– Yeah, definitely gay.

– It was better when you were sleeping.

– Please like and subscribe.

– Well that ejaculated quickly.

– New record, 17 seconds!

– I was born as male.

– Did your mom teach you that? You guys fuck so similar.

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I tried teaching my dog how to dance, but it turns out...

...he's got 2 left feet.

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The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."

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Teacher Questions Student

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

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Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, remember this

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!

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Proper Manners

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"

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The teacher says "If you answer my question, you can go home."

One student throws a pen at him. The teacher asks "Who did that?"

"It was me, goodbye."

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Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it's a kidney, not an adultney.

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Can't teach an old dog new tricks.

A dog walks into a Butcher's shop. It trots up to the counter and starts muzzling at the steak, then stands on its hind legs.

The butcher sees a note attached to it's neck with " one sirloin rare, please" written on it.

Bemused, the butcher hands it over and the dog rifles around in a bag on it's back.

The dog grabs a wad of cash in it's mouth and lays it on the counter, then walks out.

The butcher follows the dog out of the shop and on to the street. He watches as the dog hails a cab, gets in, and is whisked away.

Curiosity is too much for him so he hails a cab and follows the taxi the dog has taken.

The dog exits its cab, rummages in its bag for some money for the driver, and wanders down the road.

The butcher is now entranced by this amazing canine. He follows it down the road untill it stops at a house.

The dog then starts headbutting the front door.

No answer.

It headbutts a little harder.

No answer.

Finally a man opens the door. He looks down at the waiting dog and kicks it hard in the ribs.

The butcher shouts out:

" You fucking bastard! How can you do that to such an amazing, intelligent animal!"

The man replys:

" Intelligent!? Stupid fucker forgot its front door key again!"

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Teacher makes a call to her student

to inform him:"I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off". The student makes a phone call to his dad:"I'm off tomorrow, let's go picnic". Dad makes a phone call to his secretary immediately:"Hey, I'm busy tomorrow, let's date someday else". The secretary makes a phone call to her husband:"Hey honey, I won't be going to the business trip tomorrow, let's hang out". The husband makes a phone call to the teacher:"Hey, Sorry, my wife won't be leaving tomorrow, we can't meet". The teacher calls the student:"Forget what I said. Tomorrow we go to school"

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A teacher asks her 1st grade class to make a sentence with the word "definitely" in it...

Little Suzy stands up and says "the sky is definitely blue!"
"No," the teacher replies. "It depends on the weather, the sky can be gray and at night its black."
Another student stands up and says "trees are definitely green!"
The teacher replies "no, during autumn the leaves change color."
The class goes quiet and then little Billy stands up and asks "Teacher, do farts have lumps?"
The teacher confused says "no, why?"
Billy then says, "well then i definitely just shit my pants"

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the teacher and the vandal

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

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A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

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A teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence.

"The sky is definitely blue," said one girl.
"Nice try but the sky can be black or purple or even orange," replied the teacher.
"The grass is definitely green," said a little boy.
"Well... The grass can be brown too."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
"Yes Johnny?"
"Are farts solid?" asked little Johnny.
Finding this an odd question she was slightly shocked, but answered anyway, "No Johnny."
"Well I definitely pooped my pants."

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A teacher in a Chicago kindergarten class asked...

her class what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!"

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Teach a human to fish and you'll feed them for a lifetime...

Teach a fish to human and you've got a scientific breakthrough.

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Teacher Student Joke

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! I'm going home now.

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What are the best Teach puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Teach? Well, here are the best jokes about Teach to have fun with.

Joko Jokes