Teach Jokes
131 teach jokes and hilarious teach puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about teach that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Teach Short Jokes
Short teach jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The teach humour may include short tutor jokes also.
- Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.
- Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.
- What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian? The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.
- To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza. I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
- bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. "1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."
- Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day. But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
- Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? (Original joke) Because that's where students have the most potential.
- Give a man a jacket He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.
- I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.
- Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
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Teach One Liners
Which teach one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with teach? I can suggest the ones about learn and lesson.
- My daughter just lost her first tooth! That'll teach her to talk back.
- Make the little things count... teach midgets arithmetic.
- Why don't they teach Calculus in the Deep South? Because they don't like integration.
- I started teaching Maths to midgets in my area. I'm making little things count.
- I tried teaching my mom how to build a PC But all it did was make my motherboard
- Why did the cyclops quit teaching? He had only one pupil.
- Today, I made the little things count by teaching math to midgets.....
- I want to thank everyone here for teaching me the word "Plethora" It means a lot
- War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
- What do you call it when a kid teaches their parents? Learning from your mistakes.
- If any of you can teach me how to fix a broken hinge... My door is always open.
- I tried teaching my dog how to dance, but it turns out... ...he's got 2 left feet.
- I teach math I have problems.
- I was voted Least likely to succeed by my High School class. I hate my teaching job.
- How does an Alcoholic teach the ABC's to their children? Backwards.
Teach Kids Jokes
Here is a list of funny teach kids jokes and even better teach kids puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I started a summer camp for kids with add/adhd to teach them to manage their symptoms. It didn't do so well, people kept telling me Concentration Camp was a bad name.
- I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fences
- I pulled my kid out of pre-school because they were indoctrinating him into a socialist liberal mindset Today, his teacher was teaching him how to share.
- My dad always believed in learning things by doing them so when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake
just so he could teach himself CPR - I got fired from my job as a math teacher I was supposed to teach the kids what sine divided by cosine was, but I kept going off on a tangent.
- In a job swapping exercise , a politician was assigned the job Of a math teacher .
Guess what did he teach the kids in the class.
Division - How do you teach a kid to climb stairs? There is a step by step guide
- Remember kids the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
- If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day but... if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
- I've been teaching my kid to fall forward… Because his teacher said he will repeat the grade if he continues to fall behind.
Uproarious Teach Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about teach you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean english lesson jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make teach pranks.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."
Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an "i" in it.
Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an 'i' in it.
Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Johnny, when you say 'i', it should be followed by 'am'
Johnny: Okay, I am the 9th letter of the alphabet
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face
I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery.
None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher in a Chicago kindergarten class asked...
her class what kind of sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!"
A teacher said to her class, "Suppose you were all millionaires, write what you would do"...
Everyone immediately began to write furiously, except little Johnny, who kicked back and put his feet on the table. The teacher walked over to him. "Why aren't you writing Johnny?" she asked. Johnny looked up. "I'm waiting for my secretary."
The Polite Way to Pee
a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...
a teacher asks students
Teacher asks students to tell about their dreams, one of them raises his hands and says: 'my dream is to get 100 thousands dollars monthly like my father'.
teacher got shocked, 'does your father get 100 thousands dollars monthly?' teacher says.
student replies: 'no, my father dreams too'.
(sorry for my English)
A teacher walks into a bar and says "Can I have a beer"
The barman says "I don't know, CAN YOU?"
The best jokes also teach you something.
In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.
*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"
S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"
T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"
S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher was speaking to her class about self-esteem.
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were s**... to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn't think anyone would stand up so she asked him, Why did you stand up? He answered, I didn't want to leave you standing up by yourself.
Teacher - how did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or internet ?
Student- I've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters !!
A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol
So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.
He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.
He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"
His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"
-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-
A teacher asks Little Johnny what he wants to be when he grows up.
"I want to be a detective and follow in my father's footsteps," says Johnny.
"That's very admirable of you," says the teacher. "I didn't even know your father was a detective."
"He's not," says Johnny. "He's a jewel thief."
I had a teacher that refused to fail anyone...
No "F"s given.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Give man a jacket and he'll be warm when he goes outside.
Teach a man to jack it and he'll never go outside again.
A teacher asks her student about his favorite tree...
Teacher: "Bob, which tree do you love most?"
Bob: "The eucalyptus is pretty"
Teacher: "That's nice. How do you spell eucalyptus?"
Bob: "Yep, can't go wrong with a good solid oak"
Give a man a jacket
Give a man a jacket and he can leave the house during Winter.
Teach a man to jack it and he'll never leave the house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher asks her 2nd grade class...
"Who's a Trump fan?"
Not wanting to look s**... for not knowing what that meant, they all raised their hands except for Johnny.
"And why aren't you a Trump fan?" she asked, used to Johnny always trying to be different.
"Because I'm a Sanders fan" he replied.
"And why are you a Sanders fan?"
"Because mommy and daddy are"
"And if mommy and daddy were idiots, what would that make you?" she asked
"A Trump fan"
A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.
"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.
Fix a man's computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.
Teach a man to fix his computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.
A teacher was giving a math lesson...
...and she asked one of her students, "If you had two dollars, and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"
The student replied, "Two dollars."
"Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition.
"No," the student said, "you just don't know my father."
My teacher asked me if I knew any anagrams of "denied".
I said, "Indeed".
Teach a human to fish and you'll feed them for a lifetime...
Teach a fish to human and you've got a scientific breakthrough.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher was called in by the police for accusations of child m**...
"What is your name sir?"
"Mark Stephens"
"How old are you?"
"37 years old"
"And what do you do for a living?"
"I teach school chilren"
"Come again?"
"I teach school chilren"
"Do you mean children?"
"What?"
"You said chilren, you forgot the D"
"Oh no, I put the D in children later"
Whenever I go out, I always wear a stethoscope.
That way, in the event of a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
All these people are so quick to criticize Melania Trump for wanting to take on cyber bullying when that's something her husband has a problem with
But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day,
Teach a man to phish and he'll empty an old woman's savings account.
A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is
A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus"
Teacher: You have the same mistakes as the person next to you, how could that happen?
Me: We have the same teacher.
A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!"
A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"
Teacher: "What can you get from a chicken?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
As the teacher marked my quiz answers, she said, "This is wrong."
"Question 2 ?" I asked.
"No, the way your hand is resting between my thighs."
My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.
She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks they're s**..., stand up"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher:"There has to be at least one s**... student here"
*Timmy stands up*
Teacher:"Timmy do you think you're s**...?"
Timmy:"No, I just felt bad that you were standing alone"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you know any jokes?
**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"
**Me:** "No."
**Her:** "I'll teach you one."
"Knock! Knock!"
**Me:** "Who's there?"
**Her:** "Ash."
"Now ask, Ash: who?"
**Me:** "Ash: who?"
**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."
**Me: rekt**
Teacher : Why didn't you write your homework? Pupil : My dad is in a hospital
*7 days later* T : why didn't you write your homework this time?
P : my dad is still in the hospital.
T : wow, this must be serious.
*1 month later*
T : Let me guess, you didn't do your homework because your father is still in the hospital.
P : Indeed.
T: well, how come?
P : he's a doctor.
So I was teaching my brother English...
I told him to skip the first "H" when reading or pronouncing words (e.g. honour, hour, honest etc.) Later that day I told him to heat my lunch in the microwave... let's just say I didn't have any lunch.
My teacher told me to turn in my essay
But I ain't no snitch
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Teacher: What do you do after school?
1st Student: I go and buy w**... from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy c**... from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakobo
Teacher - 'Use dandelion in a sentence'
Jamaican student - 'De cheetah is faster dandelion'
A teacher says to her class "whoever answers my next question can go home."
One boy at the back of the class throws his bag out the window.
"Who just threw that? Demands the teacher.
"Me" replied the boy. "And I'm going home."
Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?
A curious child asked his mother: Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!
The child replied innocently: Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day
Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Give a man some corn, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!
Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?
Because it's a kidney, not an adultney.
The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."
"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."
I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.
Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."
A teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence.
"The sky is definitely blue," said one girl.
"Nice try but the sky can be black or purple or even orange," replied the teacher.
"The grass is definitely green," said a little boy.
"Well... The grass can be brown too."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
"Yes Johnny?"
"Are farts solid?" asked little Johnny.
Finding this an odd question she was slightly shocked, but answered anyway, "No Johnny."
"Well I definitely pooped my pants."
Teacher: If I gave you a dollar and your father gave you a dollar how much money would you have?
Me: 1 dollar
Teacher: You clearly don't know your arithmetic
Me: You clearly don't know my father
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day.
Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.
The teacher says "If you answer my question, you can go home."
One student throws a pen at him. The teacher asks "Who did that?"
"It was me, goodbye."
My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language
She says it's private.
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Little Johnny raised his hand. The
teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Johnny before. She
finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word 'fascinate', so
she called on him. Johnny said, "My
Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten
b**..., but her b**... are so big she
can only fasten eight."
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call parents who don't teach their children about safe s**...?
Grandparents!
A teacher asked a student," Tell me the 1st Law of Newton"
"I don't remember the whole line, just the last part"
"Ok tell the last part"
"... and this is called the 1st Law of Newton
A teacher is teaching a 5th grade class on Zoom.
The teacher says to Susie, "Tell the class why you want to be a teacher."
Susie says, "Actually, I want to be a stripper."
The teacher asks, "A stripper? I thought you wanted to do my noble profession."
Susie says, "That was before I saw your tiny apartment."
Teacher came to Jack's desk
-You had the same answers in your test as Stan. So you must have cheated.
-How do you know that Stan didn't look at my answers? Jack defended himself.
-Stan had written "I don't know" and you had written "I don't know either"...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A student says to the teacher, "you only teach useless c**..."
to which the teacher replies, "hey there no need to be so hard on yourself"
A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Give a man some clothes and he'll be clothed for a day.
Teach a man to weave and he'll be n**... for a very long time.
So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..
His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.
She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?
Son: Ok
Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to feed himself and his family. The second bird wakes up late everyday and cant find anything to eat. So what did you learn from this.
Son: i learned that the bugs that wake up early gets eaten by birds
Teacher: what is 4+2?
Johnny: 3!
Teacher: Yes, you are right.
My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day
Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night
Teacher asks their class of children to come up with a sentence beginning with "I"
After a few children come to the front with predictable statements about having a cat or a certain toy, a child steps up and says
"I is-" and is immediately interrupted by the teacher,
"I *am*!"
She side-eyes the teacher, frowns and ignores her teacher, starting again
"I is-" again, the teacher interrupts her, this time a little more snappily
"It's I *am*! Use the proper word!"
The girl turns to look at her this time, eyelids drooped with exasperation.
"Fine," she sighs "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
