Tea Jokes

153 tea jokes and hilarious tea puns to laugh out loud. Read food jokes about tea that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Short Tea Jokes
Tea One Liners
Cup Of Tea Jokes
Making Tea Jokes
Tea Bagging Jokes
Tea Bag Jokes
More Tea Jokes

Funniest Tea Short Jokes

Short tea jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tea humour may include short teabag jokes also.

My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.
What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
Bit of British humour right there ;)
Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."
Simply by replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87%... ...of what little joy you had left in your life
My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming, I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!
If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent. I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.
My wife left me because of how insecure I am. Nevermind, she is back. She was just getting some tea.
Magician: I can make anything disappear! Tom: (holding up a cup) Really? Make my tea disappear.
Magician: (waves hand) Done!

om: (looks in cup) It didn't work.
The tea and coffee are married, but the tea leaves. Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?

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Tea One Liners

Which tea one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tea? I can suggest the ones about beverage and coffee.

Why doesn't michael jackson drink coffee? Because he prefers "Tea-hee!"
Why does Britain like tea so much? Because tea leaves.
Why can communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
How do you call a teapot that have no tea in it \-Emptea
How does moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I'm serious! That Israeli how he does it!
Why does Karl Marx hate earl grey? Because all proper tea is theft.
Why does the homeless man only drink coffee? He had no proper tea..
What's a Maths student's favorite drink? Probably tea.
I like my women like I like my tea. In a bag, underwater.
What country refuses tea? Chai? nah
What did the Jewish man do when he wanted tea? Hebrew.
What does Batman put in his tea? Just ice.
I once mistook somebody's drink for mine. It was definitely not my cup of tea.
What's the most bitter tea in existence? Reality
*cries in the corner*
What is the most well behaved drink? Tea because the others are not tea

Cup Of Tea Jokes

Here is a list of funny cup of tea jokes and even better cup of tea puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Last night I paused the film to make a cup of tea. I've now lost my job at the cinema.
Chocolate mousse isn't my cup of tea... I find it off pudding.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? ...A tea bag stays in the cup longer!
#FIFAWORLDCUPBRAZIL
A British man takes a sip of his coffee. And says, This not my cup of tea.
Did you hear about that Native American who drank ten cups of tea one night? They found him dead the next day in his teepee
I don't like coffee It's not my cup of tea
What do you call a weak cup of tea? Subtlety.
Coffee. Not my cup of tea.
I can't bring myself to steal someone else's drink. It's just not my cup of tea.
I just spilled my cup... ...and all I got was this tea shirt.

Making Tea Jokes

Here is a list of funny making tea jokes and even better making tea puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Why do tampons have strings? So vampires don't burn their fingers while making tea.
How does Moses make tea? Hewbrews it.
How does Jesus make his tea? Hebrews it
What kind of tea is easiest to make? A simplici-tea.
What kind of tea is most calming?
A sereni-tea.
And what kind od tea is most bitter?
A reali-tea.
It's actually quite hard to learn how to make tea... There's a *steep* learning curve.
What tea makes you live forever? Immortali-tea.
[Nerd Joke Warning] What Tea makes you original? Novel-tea
How does Moses make his tea? He brews it.
How do Americans make tea? By throwing it in the harbour.
What kind of tea do cops make? Police brew tali tea.

Tea Bagging Jokes

Here is a list of funny tea bagging jokes and even better tea bagging puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I like people like I like my tea. In a bag....underwater
Why did the tea-bag fall down the hill? To steep.
Why do marxists only drink tea made with tea bags? Because proper tea is theft
Why were the British salty about losing America? They got tea-bagged
What's a vampire's favorite brand of tea bags? Tampax
Why didn't the tea bag like hiking? It was too steep...
What's dry and hard when it goes in But wet and floppy when it comes out?
A Tea Bag!
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common? You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
What's the difference between a tea bag and Germany? A tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What's another difference?
I've not Germany'd your mum
I sent the apprentice out to get some tea bags.. The kid asked, "What type?"
To which I said, "Get some C. U. N. Tea."

He was gone for quite a while and came back with a black eye but no tea.

Tea Bag Jokes

Here is a list of funny tea bag jokes and even better tea bag puns that will make you laugh with friends.

How does Bilbo take his tea? Bag-in
(Sport) What is the difference between England and a tea bag? Q: What's the difference between England and a tea bag?
A: A tea bag could stay in the cup for longer.
What do you call a bag of tea that's gone through the wash? Linty.
What do u call something that is used to carry tea? A tea bag.
Bungie is now working on food products based on their own classic games Known as Halo tea bags.
What's something that's stiff when it goes in but comes out wet the longer it's in, the longer it's in the stronger it gets, and comes out dripping and starting to sag? A Lipton Tea Bag
Why did the tea bag walk into a bar? To grab a brew
I like my women like my tea... Chopped up and in a bag
I have an idiot friend from the uk He is a real tea bag
Wife: "honey where are the tea bags?" Husband: "Between my legs."

Fun-Filled Tea Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle

What funny jokes about tea you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean steep jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tea pranks.

An underage weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."
The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"
The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.
You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning.
Please friends, if you can't handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea.

My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.

He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.
He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of v**... but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?

The whole family are having breakfast together when…

The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"
"To buy groceries," I told him.
"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."
He shrugged and paused.
"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many f**...' security cameras."

The genie of the lamp

Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.
The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.
The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car and my house in exchange of the lamp." The poor accepted the deal.
The rich man wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" he asked for a very big house and a better car.the genie replied : « Sorry sir,i only serve tea and coffee »

This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a b**... Mary. The second orders a b**... Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a b**... Mary?
The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me
Hot water?
I found a t**... out back and want to make tea

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.
He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.
Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.
Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic.
Cook: In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.
The American turns around. "He killed my wife."

What does an English p**... do, after having tea and crumpets?

Tally h**....

THE BATHTUB TEST: During a visit to my doctors I asked him . . .

"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well" he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub"
"Oh, I understand" I said "Because a normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger then the spoon or the teacup"
"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?"

Old Asian man ordered forty-two coffees. I said you sure? . He nodded yes…

Poured about 7 coffees and he starts shouting stop! stop! stop! I'm like what happened?! He repeated his order I want 4 tea 2 coffee …

Jehova

This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."

Found this one on Wikipedia of all places

Two young women are drinking tea together. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. One of the women opens the door and finds a courier with a big great bouquet of roses. She walks inside and reads to her friend: *"Much love from your boyfriend!"* She immediately groans out: *"You know what this'll mean? This'll mean I'll be lying on my back with my legs spread wide open for the next two weeks!"* To which her friend says, *"Don't you have a vase?"*

A Vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar. When the bartender asks what he'll have to drink the vampire replies, "a glass of hot water." The bartender a bit confused asks, "I thought you vampires drank blood?" The vampire proceeds to pull out a used t**... and replies, "I'm having tea."

A man walked by a restaurant in London

He noticed all the customers drinking tea in saucers.
He asked one of them as to why he was drinking tea in a saucer.
With tears in his eyes, he replied, The Italians have taken away our cup"

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"

3 vampires walk into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of hot blood.
15 minutes later, a second vampire walks in and does the same.
Not soon after, a third vampire walks in and orders a hot cup of water.
"Why the cup of water?" the other two asked.
He then pulled out a used t**... and said, "I'm making tea."

There has been much said and sung about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one ever talks about the other four letters?

The Tea of the tiger was quite a refreshing and pleasant event!

An Englishman, a Welshman, and an Irishman take their wives to breakfast

Tea is served
Trying to be cute the English man says to his wife
Would you like some sugar, sugar?
The Welshman trying to follow suit says to his wife
Would you like some honey, honey?
The Irishman refusing to be outdone says to his wife:
Would you like some milk, you fat fecking cow?

If water with ice is iced water...

... milk with ice is iced milk, and tea with ice is iced tea, what's ink with ice in it?
>!(This one works better out loud. If you don't get it, maybe say the answer out loud to someone you know and they'll probably agree even though they haven't heard the lead in.)!<

What kind of tea can be hard to s**...?

Reality.

Blonde woman calls her boyfriend....

"Sweetie, I'm doing this jigsaw puzzle and can't figure it out, would you come and help me?" she says.
Boyfriend comes over, and asks "What is the puzzle of?"
"A rooster", she replies miserably, gesturing towards the table, "But I can't even figure out where to start."
Boyfriend looks at the table, takes his girlfriend by the hand and says "OK, let's sit down and have a cup of tea, and then we can start putting the cornflakes back in the box."

What's the hardest tea to s**...

Reality

The Tea Party

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).
He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him more. After several cups of 'tea,' and much praise, Mom came home.
"Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.
"Isn't she just the cutest?"
Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"

Tea?

An American, an Englishman and an Irishman were having breakfast together with their wives.
The American suddenly smiled and turned to his wife saying: "Would you please pass me the honey, Honey."
The Englishman, not to be outdone, turned to his wife and said: "Please pass me the sugar, Sugar."
The Irishman paused a while, then turned to his wife and said: "Pass me the tea, Bag."

What do the English use to blow up their enemies?

Tea N' Tea.

I like my women how I like my coffee

*Sips tea*

A lady at a tea shop

A lady went to a tea shop and ordered a cup of tea, she has a sip, and realizes that it was amazing! She asks the owner of the place, "wow! Your tea tastes great! Why is it so good?"
The owner replies "thanks! It's my specialtea!"

Three hard-of-hearing friends are sitting together on a bench.

One says "Wow, it sure is windy."
Another corrects, "No, it's Thursday."
The last one says "So am I, let's go inside and drink some tea."

What's the favorite drink of every British serial killer?

Casual tea

Dating in 1962

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,
maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse
and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.
"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The d**... dance is called the Twist!

What kind of tea did the American colonists want?

Liberty

What does a british real estate agent care most about?

His proper tea

BUD LIGHT AND SWEET TEA

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea andstart swishing it in your mouth but don't s**.... Just keep swishingand swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking freshand reborn. Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husbandcame home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn'ttouch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

What does the Jew do with his tea?

Hebrews it.

So, a cheerleader walks into a Starbucks...

and shouts, "gimme a tea!"

A little 3-year-old girl

was playing with her miniature tea set. Her father was in the living room and her mother was out shopping. The little girl came out to the living room and offered her father a cup of tea, which was in fact just water. He thought this was really cute, so she did it several more times. When the mother came home, the father had the mother stop and watch the little tea ritual, as her daughter brought the father another cup of tea (water) and he drank it. The mother said, Very nice. But has it occurred to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

My father used to say "Take everything with a pinch of salt"

Nice man. Made terrible tea.

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yells back, I don't know.
I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful.
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.

Did you hear about the Jewish man who loves tea?

Hebrews regularly.

Two men walked into a restaurant.

The first man asked for tea. The second man asked for the same and said to the waiter, "And make sure the glass is clean."
When the waiter returns with the two glasses of tea, he asks, "Which one of you asked for the clean glass?"

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:
'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"
"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.
Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the church, they go:
'Oh pastor! Oh pastor!'"
The other two shout, "Oh my, how impressive!"
The third mother is beaming with pride and says, "Well, MY son is 4 feet tall and 800 pounds. When he walks past the church, they go:
'MY GOD!'"

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin

What kind of tea does a house drink?

Propertea

A vampire walks into a bar..

He approaches the barman. The barman asks, "what will it be?" The vampire asks for a mug of hot water. The barman confused asks "don't you folk drink blood?" The vampire pulls out a used t**... and says "I'm making tea"

What type of tea does the Social Justice Warrior avoid?