Tea Jokes

My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

An underage weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."

The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"

The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?

Nun : "Mother Superior told me."

Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"

Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."

Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."

Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."

The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.

The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."

He shrugged and paused.

"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fuckin' security cameras."

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

Why does Britain like tea so much?

Because tea leaves.

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?"

The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic.

Cook: In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"



The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"



The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.



"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.



The American turns around. "He killed my wife."

What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets?

Tally Hoes.

My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming,

I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!

Why can communists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

Magician: I can make anything disappear!

Tom: (holding up a cup) Really? Make my tea disappear.

Magician: (waves hand) Done!

om: (looks in cup) It didn't work.

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

I'm serious! That Israeli how he does it!

Why does Karl Marx hate earl grey?

Because all proper tea is theft.

Jehova

This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."

Found this one on Wikipedia of all places

Two young women are drinking tea together. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. One of the women opens the door and finds a courier with a big great bouquet of roses. She walks inside and reads to her friend: *"Much love from your boyfriend!"* She immediately groans out: *"You know what this'll mean? This'll mean I'll be lying on my back with my legs spread wide open for the next two weeks!"* To which her friend says, *"Don't you have a vase?"*

A Vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar. When the bartender asks what he'll have to drink the vampire replies, "a glass of hot water." The bartender a bit confused asks, "I thought you vampires drank blood?" The vampire proceeds to pull out a used tampon and replies, "I'm having tea."

Why does the homeless man only drink coffee?

He had no proper tea..

I like my women like I like my tea.

In a bag, underwater.

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"

What did the Jewish man do when he wanted tea?

Hebrew.

The tea and coffee are married, but the tea leaves.

Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?

3 vampires walk into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of hot blood.
15 minutes later, a second vampire walks in and does the same.
Not soon after, a third vampire walks in and orders a hot cup of water.
"Why the cup of water?" the other two asked.
He then pulled out a used tampon and said, "I'm making tea."

What does Batman put in his tea?

Just ice.

I once mistook somebody's drink for mine.

It was definitely not my cup of tea.

What's the most bitter tea in existence?

Reality
*cries in the corner*

What is the most well behaved drink?

Tea because the others are not tea

What kind of tea can be hard to swallow?

Reality.

What's the hardest tea to swallow

Reality

Blonde woman calls her boyfriend....

"Sweetie, I'm doing this jigsaw puzzle and can't figure it out, would you come and help me?" she says.

Boyfriend comes over, and asks "What is the puzzle of?"

"A rooster", she replies miserably, gesturing towards the table, "But I can't even figure out where to start."

Boyfriend looks at the table, takes his girlfriend by the hand and says "OK, let's sit down and have a cup of tea, and then we can start putting the cornflakes back in the box."

The Tea Party

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).


He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him more. After several cups of 'tea,' and much praise, Mom came home.


"Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.


"Isn't she just the cutest?"


Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"

What do the English use to blow up their enemies?

Tea N' Tea.

Tea?


An American, an Englishman and an Irishman were having breakfast together with their wives.

The American suddenly smiled and turned to his wife saying: "Would you please pass me the honey, Honey."

The Englishman, not to be outdone, turned to his wife and said: "Please pass me the sugar, Sugar."

The Irishman paused a while, then turned to his wife and said: "Pass me the tea, Bag."

A lady at a tea shop

A lady went to a tea shop and ordered a cup of tea, she has a sip, and realizes that it was amazing! She asks the owner of the place, "wow! Your tea tastes great! Why is it so good?"

The owner replies "thanks! It's my specialtea!"

I like my women how I like my coffee

*Sips tea*

Three hard-of-hearing friends are sitting together on a bench.

One says "Wow, it sure is windy."

Another corrects, "No, it's Thursday."

The last one says "So am I, let's go inside and drink some tea."

What kind of tea did the American colonists want?

Liberty

Chocolate mousse isn't my cup of tea...

I find it off pudding.

What's the difference between England and a tea bag?

...A tea bag stays in the cup longer!


#FIFAWORLDCUPBRAZIL

What does a british real estate agent care most about?

His proper tea

What does the Jew do with his tea?

Hebrews it.

A little 3-year-old girl

was playing with her miniature tea set. Her father was in the living room and her mother was out shopping. The little girl came out to the living room and offered her father a cup of tea, which was in fact just water. He thought this was really cute, so she did it several more times. When the mother came home, the father had the mother stop and watch the little tea ritual, as her daughter brought the father another cup of tea (water) and he drank it. The mother said, Very nice. But has it occurred to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

My father used to say "Take everything with a pinch of salt"

Nice man. Made terrible tea.

Did you hear about the Jewish man who loves tea?

Hebrews regularly.

BUD LIGHT AND SWEET TEA

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea andstart swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishingand swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking freshand reborn. Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husbandcame home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn'ttouch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Why do tampons have strings?

So vampires don't burn their fingers while making tea.

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yells back, I don't know.
I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful.
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.

So, a cheerleader walks into a Starbucks...

and shouts, "gimme a tea!"

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the church, they go:

'Oh pastor! Oh pastor!'"

The other two shout, "Oh my, how impressive!"

The third mother is beaming with pride and says, "Well, MY son is 4 feet tall and 800 pounds. When he walks past the church, they go:

'MY GOD!'"

*NSFW* A vampire walks in to a bar.

He asks the bartender for a glass of hot water. The bartender brings over the glass of hot water and with a puzzled look asks "don't vampires drink blood?" "Yes" the vampire responds as he pulls a used tampon out of his coat and puts it in the glass "but today I just feel like having tea."

Dating in 1962

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,
maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse
and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance is called the Twist!

What kind of tea does a house drink?

Propertea

A British man takes a sip of his coffee.

And says, This not my cup of tea.

What type of tea does the Social Justice Warrior avoid?

Reality

A vampire walks into a bar..

He approaches the barman. The barman asks, "what will it be?" The vampire asks for a mug of hot water. The barman confused asks "don't you folk drink blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea"

A man is walking down the street

A man is walking down the street when he sees a 50£ note on the road, trapped under the wheel of a parked car. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get it out from under there without ripping it. He stands up and looks around, and sees a café across the street. He thinks to himself "I'll get some tea, and when I see that car leaves, I'll go get that note". So the man sits down in the café and has some tea. 10 minutes later, the owner of the car comes back and drives his car away. Everyone in the café stands up.

Did you hear about that Native American who drank ten cups of tea one night?

They found him dead the next day in his teepee

Swish and swash the green tea.

A woman goes to the doctor looking all black and blue and says to the doctor: "Doctor! Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me black and blue!"

The doctor tells the lady: "Okay, I have the perfect solution! Take this green tea and whenever your husband comes home drunk, just put the green tea in your mouth and swish and swash it around until he is in bed and asleep."

The woman listens to the doctor and does exactly what he says.

Few weeks later, the woman returns to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says to the doctor, "Doctor! Your solution worked! How did you know it would work so well?"

The doctor replies, "See how much it helps when you shut your mouth?!"

Woman beater

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Giving up golf

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf everyday since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went." His wife sympathises with him and makes a cup of tea.

As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try?"

"That's no good," sighs Arthur, "your brother is 103, he can't help."

"He may be 103, but his eyesight is perfect." says the wife.

So the next day Arthur heads of to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did, " replied the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asked Arthur.

His brother-in-law looks at him for a full minute and says, "I can't remember!"

Why does Karl Marx only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft!

Mommywas out, and Daddy was in charge

Someone had given their 2 1/2 year old daughter a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mommy came home.

Daddy made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Why do some people dislike twitch chat?

It's just not their Kappa tea

I Am Sikh

Khushwant Singh told a friend:

"Once I was travelling from Mumbai to Singapore. A woman sitting next seat continued looking at me. I understood that this lady had never seen a Sardar before. Midway in the flight when the tea and snacks were served, I struck a conversation with the lady. Her name was Margarita and she belonged to Spain.
During the conversation, she asked, "what are you?"
I replied, "I am Sikh."
"I am sorry," said the young lady, "hope you get well soon."
To this I replied,"no dear, I am not sick as that of the body, I am Sikh as of religion."
The lady was very pleased and shook hands with me and said, "it is nice meeting you, I am also sick of religion." "

A women goes to the doctor all black and blue...

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

**

Two vampires walk into a bar

Two vampires sit down at a bar. The first vampire orders a glass of blood but the second one just asks for a cup of hot water.

The first vampire is surprised by this and remarks "Just water? Are you feeling alright?"

The second vampire waves him off and pulls a dripping tampon from his coat pocket "Yes yes I'm just in the mood for some tea!"

Why didn't Karl Marx drink Earl Gray?

All proper tea is theft.

Three Sisters...

Three sisters of age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks
on wood for good measure. She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter.

When will the madness end?

Why does Karl Marx not take milk in his tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

Three vampires walk into a vampiric bar...

... they all sit down at the bar and the first vampire says, " I'll take a shot of O-", the bartender gives him his shot

"I'll take a cup of AB+ please" says the second vampire, the bartender gives him his blood and turns to the third vampire

"what do ya want?" asks the bartender

"can I get a cup of hot water?" says the third vampire. The bartender gives him a confused look but gets him his hot water and sets it infront of him

"what are ya gonna do with the water" asks the bartender.

The third vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea"

Did you hear about the Native American who drank 1000 glasses of tea?

He drown in his tea pee.

Two elderly couples are chatting over tea.

Afterwards, as the women excuse themselves and return the dishes to the kitchen, one of the men turns to the other and tells him about a fantastic dinner he and his wife had enjoyed the other evening.
The second man then asks him where they ate.
"Hmm," ponders the first man. "You know that flower... the one with the red petals and the sharp thorns?"
"You must be thinking of a rose," the second man replies.
"Ah yes now I remember. HEY! ROSE! WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT RESTAURANT WE WENT TO LAST NIGHT!?"

What's a philosopher's favourite type of tea?

Certain *tea*

We have collected gags that can be used as Tea pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Tea, here are one liners and funny Tea pick up lines.

Joko Jokes