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Taxi Driver Jokes

115 taxi driver jokes and hilarious taxi driver puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about taxi driver that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Taxi Driver Short Jokes

Short taxi driver jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The taxi driver humour may include short cab driver jokes also.

  1. Chocolate is bad Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
    Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
    Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
    Guy: No, minding his own business.
  2. I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
  3. I was in a taxi and the driver said I love my job. I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do! I said That's really great, now take a left here.
  4. Deaf people aren't known to be very rational They have trouble making sound decisions.
  5. What's the smallest unit of time in the known universe? The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.
  6. I was a taxi driver for a while, but recently I got fired. Apparently they didn't like it when I went the extra mile during my job.
  7. "Do you know what the hardest part of the night is?" asked the taxi driver. "Is it his shield?" I asked.
  8. Being a taxi driver is boring, nobody ever talks to me. And when they can be bothered to talk, all they say is "Hang on a minute, I don't live in the woods".
  9. Sadly, I had to quit my job as a taxi driver... I just couldn't stand everyone talking behind my back.
  10. I had a really bad day. First, my ex got run over by a taxi. Then I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

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Taxi Driver One Liners

Which taxi driver one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with taxi driver? I can suggest the ones about taxi cab and taxi.

  1. What do you call a German taxi driver who thinks Germany is above all? An Über driver.
  2. I had to give up being a Taxi Driver. There was just too much talking behind my back.
  3. Where do taxi drivers with bad skin go for treatment? The Taxi Dermist.
  4. What did the taxi driver say to the wolf? Where-wolf.
  5. Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver
  6. A taxi driver was fired He didn't fare well
  7. What's the first thing the taxi driver said to the wolf? Werewolf
  8. I had to give up being a taxi driver I hated people talking behind my back
  9. What is a taxi driver's favorite food? Cabbage
  10. Why did the taxi driver sue the man who died in his cab? Because life isn't fare.
  11. I'm not saying my taxi driver is poor. But he charges by the inch.
  12. Women call me ugly until they see my car. Then they call me an ugly taxi driver.
  13. What's a taxi driver's favorite wine? Cabernet
  14. I quit my job as a taxi driver... I just can't stand people talking behind my back.
  15. I just started working as a taxi driver I'm really going places.

Taxi Driver joke, I just started working as a taxi driver

Laughter Taxi Driver Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity

What funny jokes about taxi driver you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean limo driver jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make taxi driver pranks.

Why do KGB agents make such good taxi drivers?

You get in and they already know your name and where you live.

Impact of a job change.

A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something
Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop
The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"
Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"
Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs

Taxi Story

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

Indian Taxi Driver


My regular Indian taxi driver picked me up whilst singing along to his c**... Punjabi music at the top of his voice.
He smiled when I pulled out my set of new ear plugs, "Looks like you've come prepared this time," he said laughing.
I smiled back at him, "Yes," I replied, as I put them up my nostrils.    

I found this on sickipedia complain if you want

A man is working as a taxi driver He just started his job He went and picked someone up about halfway through the journey the man taps him on the shoulder At this point The taxi driver freaks swerves nearly misses a bus and two cars and crashes into a building. The passenger says "Sorry I didnt know a small tap could scare you that much" The taxi driver replies "No sorry it's my fault I used to work as a hearse driver"

Free ride

Tourist to Taxi driver: "How much is it to the airport?"
Taxi driver: "That's five pounds twenty."
Tourist: "And how much is it for the luggage?"
Taxi driver: "The luggage, of course, is free."
Tourist: "All right, just take that stuff along. I'm walking."

3 drunk men

Three men hail a taxi. The driver—seeing that they're drunk—decides to pull a fast one. So he switches the engine on, then quickly switches it off and announces, We're here!
The first guy hands him the fare, the second guy says, Thanks, but the third guy angrily smacks the
cabbie's head.
What was that for? asks the cabbie, afraid he's been caught.
That, says the passenger, is for driving so fast!

A man goes to Boston

A man goes on a business trip to Boston. He has never been there before and wants to try some of the local food. His friends all told him to try the sea food. Especially Boston Scrod.
So as he gets into the taxi at the airport he ask the driver "Do you know where I can get Scrod?"
The driver answers "Listen Mac. I've been asked that question many times and in many ways but never before in the past pluperfect subjunctive."

A priest and a taxi driver die and go to heaven.

St. Peter greets them. He takes the taxi driver to a large mansion. St. Peter than takes the priest to a slightly less nice house. "Wait," said the priest,"Why does the taxi driver get a nicer house than me?" St. Peter looked at his book and said,"It says here that when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!"

An old lady gets into a taxi

An old lady gets into a taxi (they're usually mostly Mercs here in Germany) and asks, what that star is for. The taxi driver jokingly replies
"That's a crosshair. I need it to aim for pedestrians."
A few minutes into the drive, a pedestrian ran onto the street and the taxi driver barely managed to evade him when he suddenly hears a clunk from the back. When he turns his head he sees the old lady grinning
"If I hadn't opened my door, we wouldn't have got him!"

A Japanese businessman hails a taxi...

As they go along the highway, a car zooms past by.
"Oooh," exclaims the businessman, "that's a Toyota. Made in Japan, very fast!"
Moments later, another car speeds ahead.
"Ahhhhh," exclaims the businessman again, "a Nissan! Made in Japan too, also very fast!"
Then once more, another car rushes ahead.
"Oooooh," exclaims the businessman, "a Mitsubishi! Made in Japan and very fast again!"
Then they reach their destination.
"Why bill so big?!" complained the Japanese.
"Meter's made in Japan," replied the driver. "Very fast!"

So the pope coes to New York...

and flags a taxi. The taxi is extremely suprised to see the pope, and quickly ushers him into his cab. After a few minutes of silence, the pope says to the taxi driver "You know, being the pope, I've always have people drive me places, and I rarely get the chance to drive myself. Would you mind if I got behind the wheel for a little while?" Not wanting to say no to the pope, the taxi driver lets him drive. They get pulled over by the police soon after, since the pope was driving way over the speed limit. The officee walks up to the cab, is about to give them ticket, until he sees the pope. Not sure of what to do in this sitution, he calls his superior. "Sir, I just pulled over this guy for speeding, and he's *really* important. What do I do?" "Well who is the guy, the mayor?" "Nah, bigger than that" " Is he a movie star?" " No, way bigger than that" "Is he the president?" "No, he's bigger than that" "Well then who is he!?" "I dunno, but he's got the pope driving for him!"

A n**... lady ran into Akpos' taxi

A n**... lady ran into Akpos' taxi. She told the driver where she was going.
Akpos didn't start the car but he was just staring at the woman over and over again.
The lady looked at him and said, what's your problem, man? Haven't you seen a n**... lady before? Akpos replied, I am not looking at your nakedness, I was just wondering where you kept the money you are going to pay me.

One woman stops a taxi....

"To the airport, please." After a few minutes, the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says, "You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today." She says, "Are you kidding me? I am not pregnant." "Well, you haven't arrived at the airport yet, either.

I used to be a taxi driver. Do you know why I gave it up?

I didn't like people talking behind my back!

I used to be a taxi driver but I had to quit...

I couldn't stand people talking behind my back.

Three drunk guys get into a taxi.

The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."
The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

Terrifying Story

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".

A female nudist calls for a taxi

The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.
At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a n**... girl before?
Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..

A boy goes with his mother in a taxi,

In between taxi passes by a red light area.
The boy asks his mother after looking at the call girls,
Mom, who are they ?
Mother replied: They are waiting for their husbands.
Taxi driver: Why are you lying the kid ?
He says, son they are prostitutes. They sleep and earn money!
Child Asks: Then mom what happens to the kids these women give birth to?
MOM : THEY BECOME TAXI DRIVERS

Computers and taxis are surprisingly similar.

They both c**... when the drivers stop working.

Once I was travelling in a taxi,

the taxi driver said: I am very happy with this job. I am my own boss and nobody can order me what to do.
Then I said: Take left.

Drunk in a Taxi

So, a drunk climbs gracelessly into the back of a taxi and says "Drive."
As they pull from the curb, he leans forward and asks the driver, "Do you have room up front for a large pepperoni pizza and a six-pack of beer?"
The driver replies, "Sure!"
The drunk bends over the seat and says, "HHUURRRRGGHHHHHH!"

"Hello, barman? Give me another drink!"

I yelled.
He said, "I think you've had enough, sir."
"What makes you say that?" I laughed.
He said, "I'm a taxi driver."

It's Jim's birthday

Jim's wife treats her man by taking him to a s**... Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Jimmy, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Jimmy says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jimmy says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Jimmy with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."

A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven.

Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds.
The priest looks at St. Peter and says: "I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."
St. Peter says "Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed."

A man is riding in the back of a taxi...

and the taxi driver is silent and concentrated on the road. Wanting to ask a question, the man taps the driver on the shoulder and says "Hey, buddy!" The driver screams and loses control of the taxi and crashes into a pole. The man says "Wow I didn't know me tapping you would scare you so much!" The driver replies, "It's not you're fault. This is my first day driving a taxi... last 20 years I drove a hearse!"

Three Drunks Get into a Taxi

Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"
The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"

A devout Muslim entered a cab in London

He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio, because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music, because in the time of the prophet there was no music especially western music, which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door. The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered,
"In the time of the prophet, there were no taxis, so get off and wait for a camel!"

Our son was a by-product of a raunchy night in the back of a car.

With one very open-minded taxi driver.

The passenger of a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed and almost went offroad.
The passenger said :"Sorry dude, I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much, I touched you gently".
The driver replied,"Well, it's not your fault.
I used to drive a f**... van".

A Professional

A man takes a taxi home after a long night of work
The taxi runs a red light
The man says "Be careful, we could've gotten in an accident!"
The driver replies "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi runs another red light
The man tells him to pay attention
The driver answers "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi stops at a green light
"The man screams "WHY ARE YOU STOPPING?!"
"In case another professional drives by."

A n**... lady ran into a taxi.

She told the driver where she was going. The man didn't start the car but he was just staring at the girl over & over again.The lady saw him and said:"What's ur problem man? Haven't u seen a n**... lady before?"The man replied: "l am not looking at ur nakedness, I was just wondering where you have kept the money you are going to pay me!

A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar....

Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Kid: No, minding his own business.

A total n**... woman rushed in a taxi. The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly. The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, haven't you ever seen a n**... woman?"

The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."

A n**... woman enters a taxi

The taxi driver stares at the woman until she asks
-"What are you staring at?" And the driver responds
-"Just wondering where you're gonna get the money from"

My dad always taught me to go the extra mile...

I guess that was pretty bad advice though - it just got me fired from my job as a taxi driver.

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Three drunk guys enter a Taxi

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said, "we have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him the money and the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was very shocked thinking the 3rd drunkard knew what he did. But then he asked "what was that for?" The 3rd guy replied, " Control yourspeed next time, you nearly killed us!

A n**... women took a taxi

All way long, the driver starring at her in the mirror. She said "what? You never seen a n**... woman?" He said "no. I'm just wondering where you will take the money out from"

I was in a taxi yesterday and the cab driver was telling me how he loves his job because he is his own boss and no one can tell him what to do

Just as he finished speaking I told him to turn left

A taxi driver was being interrogated after an accident.

Police Officer: So, how did you kill 59 people?
Taxi Driver: I was driving at 80km/h, when I saw two men crossing the road. On the other side, a wedding was taking place. I hit the brakes, but they failed.
Police Officer: And?
Taxi Driver: So, I had to make the choice of either hitting the two men, or the wedding party.
Police Officer: You hit the two men, of course!
Taxi Driver: Exactly! We think alike! Problem was, after hitting one of the men, the other escaped to the wedding party, so I went after him.

Haven't u seen a n**... woman before?

Fully n**... British Lady gets into taxi. Chinese Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..
British Lady asks,
"Haven't u seen a n**... woman before?"
Chinese Driver: I no look you n**.... I plenty frightened. I look look. Where you keep money pay me?

Chad's wife decided to surprise him on his birthday

and to show him that she's a cool wife, she took him to a s**... club.
At the club:
Bouncer: Hi Chad! How you doing tonight?
Wife: How does he know you?
Chad: We play golf together!
Bartender: Evening Chad! The usual?
Wife: And how does he know you?!
Chad: Um, he's on the bowling team!
Hot blonde stripper: Hey s**..., champagne room again tonight?
At this point the wife loses it and storms out of the club, dragging Chad with her, into a taxi.
Taxi driver: Hey Chad! Boy... You picked a fat one tonight huh? Same motel?

Why did the taxi driver quit his job?

Because he was tired of people talking behind his back.

Three drunken guys entered a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then he said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money and the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver and said, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed EEEEEEEEEE! , lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"
Driver replied: Im sorry it's not your fault; I used to be f**... driver for 25 years.

A young man on his first date.

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have s**... when the girl stopped. I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a h**... and I charge $20 for s**.... The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. Why aren't we going anywhere? asked the girl. Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…

A man complains: I´m tired of people talking behind my back...

...Sir, you are a taxi driver.

A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven

The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.
After perusing the list, Peter can't find the priest's name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.
Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.
St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.
The priest is dumbfounded. I've preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I've baptized children and converted many to the church! I've lived a holy life!
St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
When you preached, people slept...
When he drove, people prayed.

A drunk guy gets into a taxi..

-Ehh.. 'scuse me, driver... would it be okay if.. I left a few beers, some fried chicken, 2 tequila shots and some rice on your back seat?
-(confused)Ehm, sure.
*#vomits#*
Sorry people, I had to.

Really drunk people?

3 men entered a taxi. The taxi driver could tell that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off. He then proceeded to tell them that they had reached their destination. The first guy gave him the money and the second guy thanked the taxi driver. The third guy suddenly slapped the driver. The driver was shocked; he was wondering if the third guy could see through his dishonesty. He then asked What was that for? The third guy, with a furious face yelled Control your speed next time you almost killed us!

*David Beckham* gets in a taxi at Dublin airport.

He notices the driver staring at him insistently in the rearview mirror.
After 5 minutes the taxi driver asks, Ok. At least give me a hint"
David Beckham sighs and says I had a brilliant career at Manchester United, married one of the Spice Girls and played for more than 100 times for England's national team. Enough?"
Driver replies: No, you eejit! Where are we going??

The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

"I got her!''

A drunk old man gets into a taxi Mercedes E Class. After a short time, he asks, "Why do Mercedes cars have that on their bonnet?"
The driver jokingly replies, "It is there so I could aim pedestrians."
He accelerates sharply, narrowly missing out an old lady which was passing the street. After that, he heard a massive thump.
"What the b**... h**... was that??" the driver asked
The drunk man replies, "You missed her, I got her with my door".

Drunk taxi.

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The
taxi driver knew that they were
drunk so he started the engine
& turned it off again. Then
said,"We have reached your
destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said
"Thank you". The 3rd guy
slapped the driver. The driver
was shocked thinking the 3rd
drunk knew what he did. But
then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied,
"Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us

She's n**....

A taxi driver spot a girl hailing for a cab outside a nightclub. She was completely n**.... He stopped and she went into the taxi.
Throughout the drive, the girl noticed that the driver kept looking at her with the front mirror. "Hey man, never see a hot n**... girl before huh? Why don't you keep your eyes on the road", she said.
Then, the driver stopped driving before turning around and stare at her intensely.
"Nah, I'm just wondering where you keep the money for my cab, b**...!"

A taxi passenger

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me?"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a f**... van for the last 25 years."

A Priest And A Taxi Driver Arrive At The Pearly Gates

A Priest And A Taxi Driver Arrive At The Pearly Gates
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes.
For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said.
Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment.
"St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?"
St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

3 drunk guys entered a taxi.

The driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine, turn it off again and said "We reached your
destination."
The first guy gave him money.
The second guy said "thank you" then gave him money too, while the third guy slapped the taxi driver.
The driver was shocked thinking the third guy knew what he did, the driver asked "What was that for?"
The third guy replied "Control your speed next time, you've nearly killed us."

An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.

He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from Latin he says, "Adducere me ad Marriott deversorium"
The cab driver nods and puts the car in gear. As he into traffic he says, "Wow, you sure haven't been to Rome for a long time."

I was in a taxi, then driver said "I love my job, I own the car, I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do. "

Then I told him to turn right

I am my own boss

I was in a taxi, then the driver said " I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do" then I told him to turn right...

Today is Jacob's birthday,

So his wife decided to surprise him, she took him to a s**...-Club House.
At the club -
DOORMAN: Hey Jacob! How are you?
WIFE: How does he know you?
Jacob: We play Golf together!
BARTENDER: The usual beer Jacob?
WIFE: And how does he know you?
Jacob: He's on the Bowling Team!
HOT STRIPPER: The special Lap Dance again, Jacob?
The Wife storms out...... dragging Jacob with her, into a taxi!
TAXI DRIVER: Hey Jacob boy....You picked an ugly one this time...Same Hotel?
Jacob's f**... will be next Friday at 2pm prompt....

What's yellow and under the water?

A taxi!
Wasn't funny for you?
Neither it was for the driver

A little girl is in a taxi with her mother

The little girl was eating a chocolate and soon after she finishes the first one she opens a second one.
The taxi driver trying to make some conversation says to the little girl:
TD: "Are you sure all that chocolate is healthy for you?"
Girl: "You know, my grandfather lived for 135 years"
TD surprised: "Because he ate so much chocolate?"
Girl: "No, because he was minding his own business"

A passenger in a taxi was freaking out because the driver was going way past the speed limit and taking sharp turns, barely missing cars in traffic and almost running three red lights. "Just close your eyes" The driver said.

"Trust me it helps, that's what I do"

I was in a taxi. Then the driver said, "I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do."

Then I told him to turn right.

Why would Mark Zuckerberg be a very good taxi driver?

You get in the car and he already knows your name and where you live

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"
Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".
Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"

I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said 'do you mind if I put some music on?'

I said 'Not at all'
He said 'Kiss?'
I said 'Let's listen to the music first and see how we feel'

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the c**... out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "I'm sorry. It's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Taxi Driver joke, A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

jokes about taxi driver