Taxi Driver Jokes
115 taxi driver jokes and hilarious taxi driver puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about taxi driver that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Taxi Driver Short Jokes
Short taxi driver jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The taxi driver humour may include short cab driver jokes also.
- Chocolate is bad Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Guy: No, minding his own business. - I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
- Deaf people aren't known to be very rational They have trouble making sound decisions.
- What's the smallest unit of time in the known universe? The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.
- "Do you know what the hardest part of the night is?" asked the taxi driver. "Is it his shield?" I asked.
- Being a taxi driver is boring, nobody ever talks to me. And when they can be bothered to talk, all they say is "Hang on a minute, I don't live in the woods".
- I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said 'do you mind if I put some music on?' I said 'Not at all'
He said 'Kiss?'
I said 'Let's listen to the music first and see how we feel' - "Hello, barman? Give me another drink!" I yelled.
He said, "I think you've had enough, sir."
"What makes you say that?" I laughed.
He said, "I'm a taxi driver." - I got fired even though I always went the extra mile. My boss said I was an awful taxi driver.
- I got charged $50 by a taxi driver to go to a laundromat only 2 miles away I feel like I've been taken to the cleaners
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Taxi Driver One Liners
Which taxi driver one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with taxi driver? I can suggest the ones about taxi cab and taxi.
- I had to give up being a Taxi Driver. There was just too much talking behind my back.
- Where do taxi drivers with bad skin go for treatment? The Taxi Dermist.
- What did the taxi driver say to the wolf? Where-wolf.
- Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver
- A taxi driver was fired He didn't fare well
- What is a taxi driver's favorite food? Cabbage
- Why did the taxi driver sue the man who died in his cab? Because life isn't fare.
- I'm not saying my taxi driver is poor. But he charges by the inch.
- Women call me ugly until they see my car. Then they call me an ugly taxi driver.
- What's a taxi driver's favorite wine? Cabernet
- I just started working as a taxi driver I'm really going places.
- I used to be a "getaway" driver. No wonder I never made any money as a taxi man.
- What did the fan say to the taxi driver trying to follow the superstar? Tail her, swift!
- How do you recognise a taxi driver? On his pale body, one of his hand will be sunburned
- The taxi driver worked dilligently for 45 years but he had nothing to chauffeur it.
Laughter Taxi Driver Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about taxi driver you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean limo driver jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make taxi driver pranks.
Why do KGB agents make such good taxi drivers?
You get in and they already know your name and where you live.
Impact of a job change.
A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something
Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop
The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"
Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"
Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs
Taxi Story
A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Indian Taxi Driver
My regular Indian taxi driver picked me up whilst singing along to his c**... Punjabi music at the top of his voice.
He smiled when I pulled out my set of new ear plugs, "Looks like you've come prepared this time," he said laughing.
I smiled back at him, "Yes," I replied, as I put them up my nostrils.
I found this on sickipedia complain if you want
A man is working as a taxi driver He just started his job He went and picked someone up about halfway through the journey the man taps him on the shoulder At this point The taxi driver freaks swerves nearly misses a bus and two cars and crashes into a building. The passenger says "Sorry I didnt know a small tap could scare you that much" The taxi driver replies "No sorry it's my fault I used to work as a hearse driver"
Free ride
Tourist to Taxi driver: "How much is it to the airport?"
Taxi driver: "That's five pounds twenty."
Tourist: "And how much is it for the luggage?"
Taxi driver: "The luggage, of course, is free."
Tourist: "All right, just take that stuff along. I'm walking."
A man goes to Boston
A man goes on a business trip to Boston. He has never been there before and wants to try some of the local food. His friends all told him to try the sea food. Especially Boston Scrod.
So as he gets into the taxi at the airport he ask the driver "Do you know where I can get Scrod?"
The driver answers "Listen Mac. I've been asked that question many times and in many ways but never before in the past pluperfect subjunctive."
A priest and a taxi driver die and go to heaven.
St. Peter greets them. He takes the taxi driver to a large mansion. St. Peter than takes the priest to a slightly less nice house. "Wait," said the priest,"Why does the taxi driver get a nicer house than me?" St. Peter looked at his book and said,"It says here that when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!"
An old lady gets into a taxi
An old lady gets into a taxi (they're usually mostly Mercs here in Germany) and asks, what that star is for. The taxi driver jokingly replies
"That's a crosshair. I need it to aim for pedestrians."
A few minutes into the drive, a pedestrian ran onto the street and the taxi driver barely managed to evade him when he suddenly hears a clunk from the back. When he turns his head he sees the old lady grinning
"If I hadn't opened my door, we wouldn't have got him!"
The Fresh Prince
"Alright, that will be $157,382", said the taxi driver,
after taking Will Smith from West Philadelphia to Bel Air.
A Japanese businessman hails a taxi...
As they go along the highway, a car zooms past by.
"Oooh," exclaims the businessman, "that's a Toyota. Made in Japan, very fast!"
Moments later, another car speeds ahead.
"Ahhhhh," exclaims the businessman again, "a Nissan! Made in Japan too, also very fast!"
Then once more, another car rushes ahead.
"Oooooh," exclaims the businessman, "a Mitsubishi! Made in Japan and very fast again!"
Then they reach their destination.
"Why bill so big?!" complained the Japanese.
"Meter's made in Japan," replied the driver. "Very fast!"
So the pope coes to New York...
and flags a taxi. The taxi is extremely suprised to see the pope, and quickly ushers him into his cab. After a few minutes of silence, the pope says to the taxi driver "You know, being the pope, I've always have people drive me places, and I rarely get the chance to drive myself. Would you mind if I got behind the wheel for a little while?" Not wanting to say no to the pope, the taxi driver lets him drive. They get pulled over by the police soon after, since the pope was driving way over the speed limit. The officee walks up to the cab, is about to give them ticket, until he sees the pope. Not sure of what to do in this sitution, he calls his superior. "Sir, I just pulled over this guy for speeding, and he's *really* important. What do I do?" "Well who is the guy, the mayor?" "Nah, bigger than that" " Is he a movie star?" " No, way bigger than that" "Is he the president?" "No, he's bigger than that" "Well then who is he!?" "I dunno, but he's got the pope driving for him!"
A drunk sits down in the taxi...
Taxi driver: "Where to?"
"Home"
"Ehh... could you be more specific?"
"The living room"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A n**... lady ran into Akpos' taxi
A n**... lady ran into Akpos' taxi. She told the driver where she was going.
Akpos didn't start the car but he was just staring at the woman over and over again.
The lady looked at him and said, what's your problem, man? Haven't you seen a n**... lady before? Akpos replied, I am not looking at your nakedness, I was just wondering where you kept the money you are going to pay me.
One woman stops a taxi....
"To the airport, please." After a few minutes, the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says, "You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today." She says, "Are you kidding me? I am not pregnant." "Well, you haven't arrived at the airport yet, either.
What do programmers and taxi drivers have in common?
They both need a *break* every once in a *while*.
Terrifying Story
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".
Blonde
Did you hear about the blonde who got in a taxi?
The driver kept the 'VACANT' sign up.
(Found this in WuMo)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I love these hot summer nights
when you can open all the windows and fall asleep n**.... I'm not sure my taxi driver appreciates it though.
The last one on the news
After the protests from the taxi drivers against uber, prostitutes from all over the world started to rise against tinder
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A female nudist calls for a taxi
The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.
At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a n**... girl before?
Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy goes with his mother in a taxi,
In between taxi passes by a red light area.
The boy asks his mother after looking at the call girls,
Mom, who are they ?
Mother replied: They are waiting for their husbands.
Taxi driver: Why are you lying the kid ?
He says, son they are prostitutes. They sleep and earn money!
Child Asks: Then mom what happens to the kids these women give birth to?
MOM : THEY BECOME TAXI DRIVERS
Taxi drivers seem pretty sad these days...
I guess you could say they're, *uber* depressed.
Did you hear about the Lord Of The Rings and Taxi Driver fanatic who had a bit of a stutter?
He said to his friend, "Jay, R, R you Tolkein to me?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Computers and taxis are surprisingly similar.
They both c**... when the drivers stop working.
Drunk in a Taxi
So, a drunk climbs gracelessly into the back of a taxi and says "Drive."
As they pull from the curb, he leans forward and asks the driver, "Do you have room up front for a large pepperoni pizza and a six-pack of beer?"
The driver replies, "Sure!"
The drunk bends over the seat and says, "HHUURRRRGGHHHHHH!"
I always go the extra mile for my customers
I wonder why I've been fired from my job as a taxi driver
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's Jim's birthday
Jim's wife treats her man by taking him to a s**... Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Jimmy, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Jimmy says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jimmy says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Jimmy with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."
A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven.
Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds.
The priest looks at St. Peter and says: "I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."
St. Peter says "Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed."
Three Drunks Get into a Taxi
Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"
The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A devout Muslim entered a cab in London
He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio, because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music, because in the time of the prophet there was no music especially western music, which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door. The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered,
"In the time of the prophet, there were no taxis, so get off and wait for a camel!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Our son was a by-product of a raunchy night in the back of a car.
With one very open-minded taxi driver.
LPT: Always wait for the taxi driver to exit the car first if you have luggage in the trunk
Then jump in the driver's seat and steal the car
A Professional
A man takes a taxi home after a long night of work
The taxi runs a red light
The man says "Be careful, we could've gotten in an accident!"
The driver replies "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi runs another red light
The man tells him to pay attention
The driver answers "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi stops at a green light
"The man screams "WHY ARE YOU STOPPING?!"
"In case another professional drives by."
I gave up being a taxi driver, the business was full of snakes
Everyone was always talking behind my back
After spending a while with a girl, I eventually asked the question. "So, where do we go from here?"
She said, "You tell me. You're the taxi driver."
My dad always taught me to go the extra mile...
I guess that was pretty bad advice though - it just got me fired from my job as a taxi driver.
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I jumped into a taxi with my date last night.
I said to her, "What would you say to a b**... when we get back to my place?"
She said, "You seem like a nice guy and I've had a good time... so why not? Okay!"
"Great!" I replied, reaching over to the taxi driver. "Is that okay with you mate? I'm broke."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Professionalism
Fully n**... Lady gets into taxi, Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..
Lady asks, "Haven't u ever seen a n**... woman before?"
Driver: It's not that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..
Fake taxi
Taxi driver: where to go?
Lady :Airport
Taxi driver: Mam,you are the 5th pregnant lady whom i'm dropping to airport today
Lady: But I'm not pregnant
Taxi driver: But we haven't reached the airport yet
A taxi driver was being interrogated after an accident.
Police Officer: So, how did you kill 59 people?
Taxi Driver: I was driving at 80km/h, when I saw two men crossing the road. On the other side, a wedding was taking place. I hit the brakes, but they failed.
Police Officer: And?
Taxi Driver: So, I had to make the choice of either hitting the two men, or the wedding party.
Police Officer: You hit the two men, of course!
Taxi Driver: Exactly! We think alike! Problem was, after hitting one of the men, the other escaped to the wedding party, so I went after him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Haven't u seen a n**... woman before?
Fully n**... British Lady gets into taxi. Chinese Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..
British Lady asks,
"Haven't u seen a n**... woman before?"
Chinese Driver: I no look you n**.... I plenty frightened. I look look. Where you keep money pay me?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chad's wife decided to surprise him on his birthday
and to show him that she's a cool wife, she took him to a s**... club.
At the club:
Bouncer: Hi Chad! How you doing tonight?
Wife: How does he know you?
Chad: We play golf together!
Bartender: Evening Chad! The usual?
Wife: And how does he know you?!
Chad: Um, he's on the bowling team!
Hot blonde stripper: Hey s**..., champagne room again tonight?
At this point the wife loses it and storms out of the club, dragging Chad with her, into a taxi.
Taxi driver: Hey Chad! Boy... You picked a fat one tonight huh? Same motel?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Impact of Job Change!!
One day, A taxi passenger touched driver on his shoulder to ask something. Driver screamed, lost control of car, went up on footpath & stopped few inches from a shop.
The passenger apologised & said: "I didn't realise that a little touch would scare you so much"
Driver replied: Sorry it's not your fault, it's my 1st day as a cab driver, I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies from last 25 years.
I used to be a taxi driver, but one time I let someone remodel my kitchen counters instead of paying for his fare.
I was fired for taking my customers for granite.
Why did the taxi driver quit his job?
Because he was tired of people talking behind his back.
I've got all the qualifications you need to be a taxi driver.
I can't speak English and I can't drive.
I got really wasted and decided that uber was the way to go
But according to the police taxi's only work for drunk people when they AREN'T the driver
An Australian is traveling to New York. The jet lag is a bit too much so he decides to sleep it off.
When he wakes in the morning he goes outside and almost gets hit by a taxi. The driver says "watch where your going pal! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies " Nah mate, I got here yesterday."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young man on his first date.
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have s**... when the girl stopped. I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a h**... and I charge $20 for s**.... The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. Why aren't we going anywhere? asked the girl. Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…
A man complains: I´m tired of people talking behind my back...
...Sir, you are a taxi driver.
I'm writing a Bollywood take on a spy movie, about a taxi driver who's really an undercover agent.
His catchphrase is, "the name's Shaw - Rick Shaw".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An scotsman went to norway for vacation
He was going in a taxi , when suddenly a moose crossed in front of them
Scotsman: What was that?
Driver: It was a moose
Scotsman(in heavy accent): Take me back to the airport right now. If the mouse are this big then I don't wanna even see the rats.
A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven
The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.
After perusing the list, Peter can't find the priest's name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.
Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.
St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.
The priest is dumbfounded. I've preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I've baptized children and converted many to the church! I've lived a holy life!
St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
When you preached, people slept...
When he drove, people prayed.
A drunk guy gets into a taxi..
-Ehh.. 'scuse me, driver... would it be okay if.. I left a few beers, some fried chicken, 2 tequila shots and some rice on your back seat?
-(confused)Ehm, sure.
*#vomits#*
Sorry people, I had to.
Really drunk people?
3 men entered a taxi. The taxi driver could tell that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off. He then proceeded to tell them that they had reached their destination. The first guy gave him the money and the second guy thanked the taxi driver. The third guy suddenly slapped the driver. The driver was shocked; he was wondering if the third guy could see through his dishonesty. He then asked What was that for? The third guy, with a furious face yelled Control your speed next time you almost killed us!
The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.
Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I got her!''
A drunk old man gets into a taxi Mercedes E Class. After a short time, he asks, "Why do Mercedes cars have that on their bonnet?"
The driver jokingly replies, "It is there so I could aim pedestrians."
He accelerates sharply, narrowly missing out an old lady which was passing the street. After that, he heard a massive thump.
"What the b**... h**... was that??" the driver asked
The drunk man replies, "You missed her, I got her with my door".
A Faster Taxi
The taxi was traveling at over 90 mph through the middle of the town when the male passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder.
Heh, what's all the rushing for? Slow down a bit.
Sorry, mate, I thought I heard someone shout 'faster, faster', , said the taxi driver.
Well, you heard right, but she wasn't talking to you! came the reply.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A taxi passenger
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me?"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a f**... van for the last 25 years."
A Priest And A Taxi Driver Arrive At The Pearly Gates
A Priest And A Taxi Driver Arrive At The Pearly Gates
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes.
For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said.
Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment.
"St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?"
St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.
He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from Latin he says, "Adducere me ad Marriott deversorium"
The cab driver nods and puts the car in gear. As he into traffic he says, "Wow, you sure haven't been to Rome for a long time."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today is Jacob's birthday,
So his wife decided to surprise him, she took him to a s**...-Club House.
At the club -
DOORMAN: Hey Jacob! How are you?
WIFE: How does he know you?
Jacob: We play Golf together!
BARTENDER: The usual beer Jacob?
WIFE: And how does he know you?
Jacob: He's on the Bowling Team!
HOT STRIPPER: The special Lap Dance again, Jacob?
The Wife storms out...... dragging Jacob with her, into a taxi!
TAXI DRIVER: Hey Jacob boy....You picked an ugly one this time...Same Hotel?
Jacob's f**... will be next Friday at 2pm prompt....
What's yellow and under the water?
A taxi!
Wasn't funny for you?
Neither it was for the driver
A passenger in a taxi was freaking out because the driver was going way past the speed limit and taking sharp turns, barely missing cars in traffic and almost running three red lights. "Just close your eyes" The driver said.
"Trust me it helps, that's what I do"
