Tax Man Jokes
42 tax man jokes and hilarious tax man puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tax man that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Tax Man Short Jokes
Short tax man jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tax man humour may include short tax accountant jokes also.
- Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000. That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.
- A man brings some condoms to the cashier... "I thought those were $4.99" said the man
"35 cents for the tax" replied the cashier
"Oh, I was wondered what kept those things on." - A man admitted he lied on his income tax return: he listed himself as the head of the household!
- A man admitted he lied on his income tax return: he listed himself as the head of the household!
- A lawyer, a tax-man and a m**... jump off a cliff in a race to the bottom. who wins? society
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Tax Man One Liners
Which tax man one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tax man? I can suggest the ones about income tax and taxes.
- What's in common between Elon Musk and Homeless man They both do not pay taxes
- A man is arrested after nearly being hit by a taxi He was charged with tax-evasion
- Why did the dyslexic man get thrown out of the Texas Republican rally? TAXES!!!
- Why was the black man acquitted for tax evasion? Because it was a white colored crime.
- I'm just like every other man... I do my taxes one leg at a time!
Laughter Tax Man Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about tax man you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tin man jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tax man pranks.
A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"
The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked r**... says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"
A p**... walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms.
We have some for 75 cents a peace.
The man asks for two.
The pharmacist calculates the total and says, "That will be $1.58 with tax, sir."
The p**... says, "Oh, these come with tacks? I was wondering how you keep them on."
A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch.
He looks at a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands.
The sales clerk says "you are suppose to read his lips."
He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and notices that it isn’t running – the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it doesn’t run, it runs, it doesn’t run..."
He then notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch.
He asks the sales clerk how much.
The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax..."
A man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, that medicine you gave me isn't working. Is there anything else I could try?".
"Fill out this tax form," suggests the doctor.
"How's that going to help me?", asks the man.
"I'm not sure," replies the doctor, "but some of my patients say it gives them relief."
Even though telemarketers are slightly less beloved than dentists and tax auditors, that'
s the job my friend took during his summer vacation.
Halfway through one of his sales pitches, he heard a clicking at the other end of the line.
Thinking the man may have hung up, he asked, "Are you still there?"
"Yeah, still here," said the man.
"Sorry, I heard a click and I thought you'd been disconnected."
"No," the man said, "that would sound more like this."
He then proceeded to show me what it would sound like by slamming down the phone.
A man was walking along the beach with his mother-in-law...
She was complaining about how much of a good-for-nothing husband he was to her daughter, when he saw a bottle on the ground. He picked it up, wondering what it was, when a genie popped out. The genie told the man he could make 3 wishes, but when he saw the mother-in-law, said whatever the man got, the mother-in-law would get double. The man thought for a while and agreed. "I would like 1 million dollars," the man said. "Your wish is granted," said the genie. 1 million dollars was added to the man's banking account, and 2 million to the mother-in-law's. She starts complaining, "Thanks a lot, now I'll have to manage all this money, why do you have to be so selfish?!" The next wish was for a large house, and that wish was granted. This meant the mother-in-law would have a house twice as big, and started complaining about how she would have to clean such a large house, and the taxes would be expensive.
For the man's final wish, he wished to be beaten half to death.
Inauguration Limerick by Stephen Colbert
There once was a man named Barack
Whose re-election came as a shock
He raised taxes I pay
And turned marriage gay
And now he's coming after your Glock
A Guy/Gal walks into a bar with an Ostrich/Race-horse
A good-looking young man (or woman) and an ostrich (or racehorse) walk into a bar. The two sit down, order some nachos and wind up drinking a few beers by the end of the night. When it comes time to pay the tab, the (wo)man reaches into his/her pocket and dumps a slightly-crumpled mess of bills and change onto the bar.
"That should cover it." (s)he says. As the (wo)man walks away, the bartender counts it out and to her surprise, it's the exact total of the bill. Looking back up, she sees that the (wo)man has returned. (S)He once again reaches into his/her pocket and pulls out exactly 20% of the bill before tax.
"There ya go, sorry about that." (s)he says.
The bartender asks, "Mind if I ask you about the exact change and the ostrich(horse)?
"You see," (s)he says, "A long time ago, I was an archaeologist. While in arabia, I discovered a magical lamp with a genie inside who granted me 3 wishes. The first, obviously, was for eternal youth and fitness. Second, unlimited wealth- any time I buy something, I just reach into my pocket and pull out the exact amount of money. The third, well, the third wish was for a tall, youthful, long-legged(well-endowed) chick(stud) who would always stick by my side and share my interests."
Last day for your taxes
A man walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking.
Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's t**... and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's t**..., the woman handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
The cleaning operation!
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly s**... his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies, "I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him."She asks, Running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I`m afraid I can't," breathes the manager - clearly a**..., "he's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message."
She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to s**... them gently.
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
A Man Finds a Magic Lamp While Walking Down the Beach
He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie! The Genie says "I'll grant you three wishes BUT!!!! There is a catch. Whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will receive double."
After thinking long and hard and about his decision the man finally answers. "I'd like a A 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO."
"Done" says the genii and snaps his fingers. The man instantly feels the weight of the keys in his pocket.
"I'd like $500,000 tax free" says the man.
"Done" Says the Genii. And the man reaches into his other pocket to find a Powerball ticket.
Finally the man takes a deep breath and wishes his third and final wish.
"I wish to donate a kidney."
A nervous man walks into a pharmacy...
... and the pharmacist asks how she may be of service.
"Well, you see, I uhh... I got a hot date tonight... and I'd like some... uhhh... you know..."
"Protection?" says the pharmacist.
"Yes, uhh... that's right."
"Small, medium, or large?"
"Uhh... I guess... medium."
"All right then," she gets out the box of medium condoms and totals up the bill, "that'll be $4.95 plus tax."
The man is shocked by this, "tacks!?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
Awful Neighbors
"There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leashes.
Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked in her life. Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for his racist comments.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs.
They are both out of control.
God, I hate living near Buckingham Palace! "
Jesus walks in to an employment office
The man behind the desk, stunned says "hello Jesus, how can I help you?"
"I'm looking for work, my son" Jesus replies
"Can I ask what skills you have?"
"Well I'm a qualified carpenter"
The employment officer bashes his details in to the computer
"Well I have two carpentry jobs, Jesus, one is in Edinburgh, big job, and it pays about £2000 per month! The other one I have is in Jerusalem, and get this Jesus, it pays £10,000 per month"
Jesus mulls it over and says "I think I'll apply for the job in Edinburgh"
"But Jesus, the job in Jerusalem pays five times as much"
"But yes the last time I worked there I got nailed by tax"
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time. He brings a box up to the counter and the clerk says, "That will be five dollars plus 15 cents for tax."
The young man screams "Tacks, I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people
and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'
Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, 'Who are you?'
The second man replied, 'Income tax officer.'
A nervous looking young man walks into a drug store
A nervous looking young man walks into a drug store. He walks up to the counter and mutters, "Uh... hi... I'd like to buy some... condoms."
Cashier replies, "sure thing! That'll be $9.75 including tax."
The young man starts to panic and says, "Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!!!"
A man calls the IRS office
"Hi, my last name is Sweady, but on the cheque you sent me for my tax return, you've written it as cyirwu."
"I'm sorry about that, could you spell it out for me?"
"Sure, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u, and Y as in you."
A man goes to see his accountant
A man goes to see his accountant about some help filing his taxes.
The accountant: okay I'll just need some information. What do you do for a living?
The man: I'm a dentist.
A: okay, and are you married?
M: yes, i am!
A: okay, and what does your wife do for a living?
M: well, it's sorta hard to say...
A: okay, but i need this information to proceed. What does she do?
M: She sells seashells down by the seashore!!
Three questions to a lawyer . . .
A man called up a lawyer and asked: How much would you charge to answer three questions?
The lawyer thinks for a moment and said: Two thousand dollars plus tax.
TWO THOUSAND! cries the man. That's a bit expensive, isn't it?
Yes, I suppose it is, said the lawyer. After thinking a moment longer, he added: So what's your third question?
A man wrote the IRS saying . . .
. . . "I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I have understated my income and have enclosed a check for $1500. If I still can't sleep I will send the rest".
Rich man, poor man
Two men are sharing a jail cell. The first asked the other "What are you in here for?"
"Well, I am a poor man, and I wanted to get rich very quickly. How about you?"
"Well, I am a rich man, and I wanted to look poor on my tax returns."
A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.
Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."
The man, however, did not cooperate.
Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.
"I collect taxes," the other replied.
"Then take my hand," Nasrudin said, upon which the man finally cooperated.
Nasrudin then turned to his friend and remarked, "Tax collectors speak the language of take, not the language of give.
[Long]A man who owned a clock shop wanted to set a world record.
He found one: Most battery powered devices he'd at once. He decided to use his clocks. As he was holding more and more, a crowd started to gather. However the man hadn't been paying his taxes on time. An IRS guy saw him on his way to collect the mans taxes. He asked the man to pay his taxes. The man, in the middle of doing the record said, wait, I'm busy .
The IRS guy responded, Well, for someone who's busy, you sure have a lot of time on your hands.
I was on my phone reading the news waiting in the supermarket checkout line. A dude came up and asked me, what's in the news tonight?
Me: Man who pays no taxes returns to government provided housing after receiving free medical treatment from taxpayer funded healthcare.
Dude: sounds like some libtard b**....
Me: Yeah, here is another - Husband of immigrant woman ignores government health guidelines and possibly infect hundreds of Americans with deadly disease.
Dude: I tell ya. It's always some freaking immigrants... m' rite?
Me: I hear you dude. Who knew Donald Trump returning to the White House from Walter Reed Medical Center can cause so much controversy?
Soviet joke: a family is watching the evening news when the announcer says taxes on v**... will be going up.
This means there will be some major changes for our family, comrades, says the man.
You mean you will be drinking less? asks his son.
Nyet, says the father. You will all be eating less.
A man writes a letter to the IRS . . .
. . . saying "I am unable to sleep because of the guilt I feel for cheating on my taxes. I have underreported my income and am enclosing a check for $1500. If I still can't sleep I will send the rest".
