Tax Jokes

I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...

Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people

and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'
Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, 'Who are you?'
The second man replied, 'Income tax officer.'

What's the difference between a jungle cat who wrote his PhD thesis on the economic effects of taxation, and the order of insects that includes butterflies and moths?

One's a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other's a lepidopteral taxonomy

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time. He brings a box up to the counter and the clerk says, "That will be five dollars plus 15 cents for tax."
The young man screams "Tacks, I thought they stayed on by themselves!"

Pharmacist: May I help you, sir?

Customer: Yes... I, uh... well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I'm going out on a date tonight and, you know, I need some...
Pharmacist: Protection?
Customer: Right.
Pharmacist: Small, medium or large?
Customer: Uhhhh... Medium, I guess.
Pharmacist: Okay, that'll be $2.35 including tax.
Customer: Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

School days...

Teacher: If income tax is 20% and your dad earns $50,000, how much tax does he pay?
Kid: $100
Teacher: Let's try again. If income tax is 30% and your dad earns $100000, how much does he pay?
Kid: $100
Teacher: Alright, last try. If income tax is %50 and your dad earns $1000000, how much does he pay?
Kid: $100
Teacher: you don't know your percentages.
Kid: you don't know my dad.

What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?

A taxidermist takes only your skin. [Mark Twain]

It would take approximately 42,000 no. 10 parties for Rishi Sunak to pay the amount his wife dodged in taxes last year

What is Father Christmas's tax status?

What is Father Christmas's tax status?
Elf-employed.

The German tax evader in Switzerland

A German wants to bring his untaxed savings to a number account in Switzerland.
He sneaks into the bank, looks around and whispers to the bank assistant:
"Psst! I've got 2 million euros in my suitcase!"
The bank assistant replies in a normal voice:
"Why do you try to be so unsuspicious? Poverty is not a shame in Switzerland."

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere:

Mos Quito
Que Sadilla
Scu Bagear
Syn Tax
Rev Erse
Mala Mute
Trypto Phan
Cano Nical
Impo Tent
Slee Papnea

I just heard that atheists are trying to get tax exempt status.

They are a non-prophet organisation.

(Ukrainian joke). Leaders of three countries discuss their economies and taxes.

US President says: we tax our people at roughly 30%, and what they do with the rest, is not of my business
UK prime minister says: we tax our people at 50%, and what they do with the rest is none of my business.
Ukrainian president says: we tax our people at 130%, and where they get the rest, is none of my business
This is a joke from the 1990s.

I saw a lady in tears at the store. She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.

I gave her $100 because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot. #payitforward

Donald Trump has just announced a massive jobs program involving tax credits for shredded cheese factories.

He says he wants to "make America grate again."

I would never dream of giving up my British citizenship

for tax purposes I'm an American

Did you know that Athiest organizations are tax exempted?

Its because they're non-prophet organizations.

Did you hear about Trump's tax plan?

Declare that the US has a $900 million loss so we all don't have to pay taxes!

Don't know why used car salesmen get such a bad rap.

Mine knocked 20 bucks off the muffler tax just because he liked my face!

A man calls the IRS office

"Hi, my last name is Sweady, but on the cheque you sent me for my tax return, you've written it as cyirwu."
"I'm sorry about that, could you spell it out for me?"
"Sure, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u, and Y as in you."

Why did the calculator pay $100 for a pack of cigarettes?

There was a sin tax error.
[8.5]

What tax filing service does a pirate use?

H&ARGH Block

There was 5 Chinese immigrants. Their names were chu, lu, bu, fu, and su.

When they decided to go to America, they decided to change their names to something more western. They renamed themselves:
Chuck, luck, and buck. Fu and Su didn't get a passport because they committed tax fraud.

I paid more tax than amazon

That's it

Joel Osteen is actually interested in using his arena-sized megachurch as a shelter...

...Oh wait. You're not a tax? Never mind.

I don't think the new AI is all that great.

I asked ChatGPT to do my taxes in the style of Ernest Hemingway.
And it replied, "For Free: Four Quarterly Tax Payment Vouchers, never used."
That is really not helpful, at all.

So the EU just passed their internet censorship legislation...

[Insert $0.05 tax to view joke here]

I have a civil service joke to tell

…but before you can hear it you need to complete Form P-994731XT, in triplicate, then have it notarized, then file it with the Department of Jokes, who will review it within 120 days, and if it is approved they'll issue you a Form 771F, which, when filed with the IRS authorizes you to receive an appropriate tax status for said joke, after which upon completion of Form 11 and re-submission to the Department of Jokes you are eligible to enter the Joke Receipt Pool, after which you should receive your joke in 18-24 months.

The Lottery

Is a voluntary tax for the mathematically challenged.

How much tax does Bruce Willis pay on a dollar?

Six cents.

Got a letter from the tax office saying my tax was outstanding.

Which was a nice surprise, because I don't even remember doing it.

Wheelchair tax

The new tax on wheelchairs has been met with major resistance, with some users refusing to stand for it.

Jersey Shore star Mike Sorrentino was indicted on tax charges today

The Situation does not look good legally.

Blonde Bombshell

A blonde is angry with the tax department and decides to blow it up. So she puts a bag of bombs in the back seat of her Celica and heads for Canberra. Her boyfriend si worried about her. "What if the bombs blow up in the car?"
"Don't worry darling," she says, "I've got a spare bomb in the boot".

I was at Walmart at this lady was crying because she lost her tax money and couldn't buy for her kids. I gave her $200....

...since I had just found $3,000 in the parking lot and I felt that if God has blessed me I should bless someone else.

After being found guilty of massive tax fraud and sentenced to 30 years in prison, a world renowned clairvoyant used his short stature to escape and is currently on the run from authorities.

The headlines read 'Small Medium at Large'

How many Estonians you need to build a house in Finland ?

Who knows, there is no tax record of it.

Prisoners actually have a lot in common with Presidents...

They're both fed and housed by tax payers, surrounded by armed guards 24/7, neither can leave the gates without attracting attention, and both are often hated by the general public. It seems to me that the only difference between them is that we often catch the criminal that's responsible, but we keep putting the wrong guy in office.