Taps Jokes

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are s**...?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're s**.... Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

I found this on sickipedia complain if you want

A man is working as a taxi driver He just started his job He went and picked someone up about halfway through the journey the man taps him on the shoulder At this point The taxi driver freaks swerves nearly misses a bus and two cars and crashes into a building. The passenger says "Sorry I didnt know a small tap could scare you that much" The taxi driver replies "No sorry it's my fault I used to work as a hearse driver"

A rabbi and a priest walk into a playground....

and a little boy walks by. The priest taps the rabbi on the shoulder and says, "I'm going to screw that little boy." The rabbi holds up his hands, shrugs, and says, "Out of what?"

My experiences working at an electronics store...

On a normal day at the shop a man walks up to me and taps me on the shoulder. I turn around with a big smile and ask "how can I help you". He says "well, I plan to shoot everyone in this store, my family and my dog" I then asked him very calmly "Sir...were you considering Nikon or Canon?"

Man v/s Wife

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm, getting friskier by the second.
The wife, half-asleep, turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, dejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, however, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

What's black and taps on the window?

A baby in the microwave :)

A blonde is dying

A blonde lady walks into her Dr's office and says 'oh Doctor, I'm dying, I'm dying. The Dr says 'oh my, what's the problem?' She taps her forehead and says 'it hurts here'. She taps her neck and says 'it hurts here', she taps her chest and says 'it hurts here', she taps her stomach and says 'it hurts here'. 'I hurt everywhere Dr, I'm dying'.
The doctor exams her and says 'lady, you've got a broken finger!'.

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A tourist in Amsterdam sees a p**... in a window

He taps on the glass and says "How much?"
"Two hundred and fifty euros," she responds.
"Wow! I never realized it was so expensive"
"Well of course it's expensive, it's shatter-proof!"

A blind man walks into a bar

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

A blind man is sitting on a park bench.

A Rabbi sits down next to him. The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man. Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this?!!"

They're watching...

I was in my bathroom earlier and I heard weird noises coming from the sink.
Then, I walked to the upstairs window and noticed a man dressed in an all black suit with black shades, suspiciously walking around outside in the car park.
Beginning to think that someone might be phoning my taps.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar.

They ask the bartender, "What have you got?"
The bartender points to two taps.
They say, "What? That's it?! We don't like either of those choices!"
The bartender says, "Now you know how I feel."

A man is riding in the back of a taxi...

and the taxi driver is silent and concentrated on the road. Wanting to ask a question, the man taps the driver on the shoulder and says "Hey, buddy!" The driver screams and loses control of the taxi and crashes into a pole. The man says "Wow I didn't know me tapping you would scare you so much!" The driver replies, "It's not you're fault. This is my first day driving a taxi... last 20 years I drove a hearse!"

Donald Trump has been making headlines, "Trump Taps Secretaries." by grabbing Generals.

He's come a long way from grabbing privates.

Yo mama so fat

When she taps on the QWERTY Keyboard 26 letters pop out.

How does Rick Allen (Def Leppard drummer) count in a 4 beat?

*opens mouth, taps cheeks 4 times*

A Scientist is with his peer

The peer asks the scientist, "What are you working on?"
The scientist says, "Its amazing. I taught a dog how to communicate to humans with morse code!"
The two walk down the hall to see the dog and the scientist gives the dog a command. The dogs taps his paw on the ground with intervals of time creating letters in morse code.
The peer says, "What is he saying?"
The scientist says, "Woof."

Werner Heisenberg is driving down a highway...

...when he sees a police car is flashing its lights at him. He pulls over, and so does the cop. The cops gets out, taps on Heisenberg's window, he rolls it down.
"Sir," the cop asks, "do you know how fast you were going?"
"No," Heisenberg replies, "but I know where I am."

Ajit Pai can't be the most hated person on the internet.....

if there is no internet **taps head**

Jesus saves

But Ronaldo taps in the rebound.

What goes round and round and taps on glass?

A baby in a microwave

I was trying to come up with a joke about taps...

but I realized I couldn't faucet

TIL there was once a serial killer that created his own language involving clicks and taps.

He called it Remorse Code .

Conor McGregor should go back to plumbing

He loves taps

The pinnacle of comedy

Me: *taps somebody on shoulder*
Them: "What"
Me: "What
Me: *taps them on shoulder again*

How does a plumber get in to his computer?

He remembers his password and taps it in

How can you tell when a white racist has retired?

He taps into his 401kkk

Patient: Doc, it hurts when I touch here (taps forehead), here (taps nose), here (taps chin), pretty much everywhere.

Doctor: You have a broken finger.

An engineer, an architect and a mathematician are trapped in a cave with nothing but a can of food each and they want to get the cans open so that they can eat.

The engineer finds a rock and taps it against the weak spot of the can. The architect throws the can against the wall in a way that doesn't collapse the cave. The mathematician then announces loudly to the other two, Let my can be open, how do we close it?

A alien walks into a bar

He orders a drink. After some time he taps the waiter and says "beep". After 5 minutes he does it again. He does it repeatedly until the waiter says "I swear to God, if you do that one more time I'm gonna chop your b**... off!" Alien responds "I don't have any b**...". The waiter says "Then how do you have s**...?". The alien responds by tapping the waiter and saying "beep"

A man is driving the car with his family in it

He gets bored and begins going faster and faster. His wife taps on his shoulder and says:
"Can you please slow down, you are going too fast"
The man responds:
"Don't worry, God will keep us safe"
And he speeds up even more. After a few seconds his kids tap on his shoulder and say:
"Dad please slow down"
The man starts to get annoyed and says:
"I told you not to worry, God will keep us safe"
He once again speeds up even more. After a few seconds he feels another tap on his shoulder. He asks angrily:
"What the h**... is it this time?"
"This is God. Can you please stop the car for a moment, I need to get out"

I started selling broken taps that wouldn't turn off but gave up after the competition drove down prices.

It was a flooded market.

A blonde is watching the news on an airplane...

The news reporter says, "Three Brazilian children have been presumed dead after their home caught fire in the middle of the night."
The blonde jolts up in her seat in utter shock. She taps the shoulder of the passenger next to her, and exclaims, "Oh my god! How many children is a Bra-zillion!?"

A kangaroo enters a bar in the middle of the outback

Everyone stares at him awkwardly, wondering how an animal could be lost to the point of entering a human home. The kangaroo jumps up to the bar and says :
"Hey, gimme a pint of beer."
The owner, confused by this sight, points at the beer taps :
"Er, which one ?"
"Gimme an ale, that'll do it"
The man hands him the full glass and asks :
"That'll be 13$, you got the money to pay ?"
"Of course, I'm not s**...," grunts the kangaroo, putting a few bucks on the counter. While searching for the change, the owner says :
"You know, we don't see many kangaroos around... here," gesturing at the room.
"With such an expensive pint, of freakin course !"

Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...

There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:
\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...
The small man:
\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank account is empty, my house is empty! I even got fired from my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so i tried to kill myself. I lay down on the rails - they changed the train route! i tried to hang myself - the rope broke! I tried to shoot myself - the gun broke! And now, i'm buying a beer with my last money, i'm pouring poison inside and you're drinking it!

A woman is talking on her phone while waiting in line at the bank.

After she gets off the call, the man behind her taps her on the shoulder and says, "I didn't want to interrupt your call, but next time you need to speak in English"
"Excuse me?" the woman replied.
"This is America," the man said, "We speak English in America. If you wanna speak Spanish, you can go back to Mexico."
"Sir, I was speaking Navajo, which was a language of this country long before you came here," the woman replied, "If you want to speak English, you can go back to England"

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:
"Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot."
Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

I'm on a long bus ride when I get a tap on the shoulder...

I turn around and an old gal says to me, "Want some nuts?"
I chuckle and say, "Sure, thanks."
A couple of minutes later she taps me again and asks if I want more nuts. I politely accept.
The third time she offers I smile and ask her, "Don't you like nuts?"
She replies, "No, I don't. I only like the chocolate around them."

A cop sees a car parked in the local Lover's Lane with the windows all steamed up.

He goes over and taps on the window. The guy inside rolls it down.
The cop looks inside and sees the fellow sitting behind the wheel, fully dressed. There's a young lady sitting in the back seat, also fully dressed.
The cop says, "What are you doing out here?"
Guy says, "I'm watching a video on my phone."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's on Facebook."
"What's going on here? How old are you, son?"
"I'm twenty."
"And how old is she?"
"In...thirteen minutes she'll be eighteen."

A perfect robbery

Three men are being chased by the police after robbing a store
They find a barn and run into quick, where they find 3 barrels
They each jump into a barrel
The police come into the barn and tap on each barrel
On the first barrel the officer taps
He hears "woof woof"
The officer says "it's ok, it's just a dog"
On the second barrel, the officer taps tree times
He hears "meow, meow"
The officer says "it's ok, it's just a cat"
On the third barrel, the officer taps again
This time he hears "PO-TAY-TO"
The officer says "it's just an Irish parrot"

Two sound guys are getting the stage ready for a concert...

First sound guy: *Taps on mic:* "Testing, testing one two..."
Other sound guy: *Taps on mic:* "Testing, testing one too..."

Lovely couple

A wife taps her husband on the shoulder. Look at that lovely couple she says. You know every time he meet her he holds her close and kisses her passionately. Why don't you do that? I'd love to, I said. But I don't know her.

A blind man walks into a bar.

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

A Biker Walks Into A Yuppie Bar …

He yells at the top of his voice, All Lawyers are a**...!
A few moments later, a well dressed man in an Armani suit taps him on the shoulder and says, I resent that remark!
The Biker says, Are you a Lawyer?
The man replies, No. I'm an a**...!

A British Jew is to be knighted by the King.

He is to kneel in front of him and recite a sentence in Latin when he taps him on the shoulders with his sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:
"Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot."
Puzzled, His Majesty turns to his advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"