Tapped Jokes
53 tapped jokes and hilarious tapped puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tapped that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Tapped Short Jokes
Short tapped jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tapped humour may include short tapping jokes also.
- When a maple syrup producer sees a maple tree they don't own, do they think "I'd tap that"?
- As a doctor I often get asked why I use that rubber hammer to tap patient's knees. I dunno. I just get a kick out of it.
- You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water? In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"
- What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor? I'd tap that.
- First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door
My plumber has a funny sense of humour - Scientist: We've successfully taught a dog morse code! Dog: [taps paw]
Me: What did it say??
Scientist: "Woof." - My girlfriend hates it when I tap the brakes to make the car bounce when I listen to hiphop. But when I think about it, she never did like brakedancing.
- Someone tapped me on the shoulder today then did a double-take and said, "Sorry, I thought you were someone else!" I said, "I am."
- A tomato; a tap and a hat were having a race... the tap was running but the hat was on ahead while the tomato couldn't ketchup.
- Beer Belly Some guy looked at my beer belly in the bar last night and asked sarcastically "Is that Budweiser or Heineken?"
My response: "There's a tap underneath, taste it for yourself."
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Tapped One Liners
Which tapped one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tapped? I can suggest the ones about taps and tipped.
- I wonder if tap dancers.... Look at a floor and think "I'd tap that"
- I had to quit tap dancing. I kept falling in the sink.
- Why did the pianist go to jail? Because he tapped *A Minor*
- This morning I woke up to a tap on my front door. My plumber has a weird sense of humour.
- This morning there was a tap on my door My plumber has a weird sense of humor
- This morning there was a tap on the front door Funny sense of humour, that plumber.
- woke up to a tap on my door this morning got to get a new plumber
- I was woken up today by a tap on my door Odd sense of humor my plummer has.
- It's white, it's ceramic, and it taps on your door. Let that sink in.
- You heard a tap at the door. Let that sink in.
- What do you call a 1000 rabbit stepping backwards? A receding hare line!
Tap snare! - Girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I'd tap that.
- What do you call it when a tap dancing mare signals for help? Horse code
- I can stop any pipe from leaking Just by giving it a tap
- Dude, the water from the sink is sooo hot... I would tap that.
Howlingly Hilarious Tapped Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about tapped you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean taped jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tapped pranks.
Why don't spies meet at bars.
The beer is tapped. (Please develop this joke. I made it up last night whilst drinking, but nobody laughed.)
Taxi Story
A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway...
... he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
I was minding my own business driving down the road the other day
when the car in front of me suddenly stopped and I went right up the back of it.
Then a dwarf got out of the driver's side and tapped on my window. As I lowered my window, he said "I am not happy."
I said "Which one are you then?"
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
Terrifying Story
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".
I met a famous American comedian on a White House tour
I walked up to him, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I thought you retired in 2009?"
This woman I met last night says she wants a guy who is "spontaneous and fun".
Yet when I tapped on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it is all panic and screaming.
I once saw a Spanish magician...
He told the audience that he was going to make his hat disappear on the count of three. So he tapped it with his wand and said, "Uno, dos," and it disappeared without a très.
Look at this wire! Is has so obviously been tapped!
Sorry Mr President, we call that a landline sir.
The passenger of a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed and almost went offroad.
The passenger said :"Sorry dude, I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much, I touched you gently".
The driver replied,"Well, it's not your fault.
I used to drive a f**... van".
Why is Carter Page refusing to comment?
He's all tapped out.
A kid asked a priest...
"Father, besides praying do you have any other pass-time?"
The priest tapped the kids cheek & calmly replied:
"Nun my child, Nun".
My electricity bill was running suspiciously high
Had the power company send someone over. He found a wire tapped into my house running to a neighbor's. Watt do you know, a Joule thief lives next to my Ohm.
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Laughing Dog
A man walks into the cinema with a dog. They start watching the movie (a comedy) and laugh and laugh all the way through it.
When the lights go up, a woman who was sitting in the row behind tapped the man on the shoulder and said:
" I must say I was really surprised to hear your dog laughing all through the film.
"So was I" replied the man, " He hated the book!"
An UBER passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as an UBER driver – I've been driving a f**... van for the last 25 years."
Ig the Knight
Once upon a time, there was a soldier named Ig. In a recent battle, Ig showed courage and bravery, saving 20 men by himself!
To honour Ig's heroic act, the Queen of the kingdom was to knight him. Ig knelt before Her Majesty, as she tapped each shoulder of his with a sword. As she finished, Ig the Knight burst into flames! The Queen, astonished by what happened, asked her squire why he lit on fire.
Stunned, the squire spoke, "Ig...Knighted..."
I tapped out my son on the Beaches of Alabama...
while the tides were rolling.
How did you become a developer?
I tapped seven times on build number.
On the day I got married, at the ceremony, I stood up and tapped my glass for everyone to be silent.
I held up a fruit and said nothing, scanning the crowd for any sign of pleasure.
All I got was a series of blank expressions, and I could feel my animosity growing as I searched each person, then the next.
"What's wrong with you all?" I finally shouted. "I thought you guys would love my wedding's peach!"
A friend invited me to a s**... club
And after after 10 minutes of a t**... lap dance from a stripper, my wife tapped on my shoulder with a very angry look. It was a booby trap.
The lawyer and the witness
The lawyer paced before the witness in the stand.
Would you tell the court at what time the m**... occurred?
The witness tapped her chin, I think -
We aren't interested in what you think, said the attorney. We only want the *facts*.
The witness frowned. I'll give them to you but I can't talk without thinking. I'm not a lawyer, you know!
Someone tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You gothic right now"
Too bad that person was Mike Tyson
A Faster Taxi
The taxi was traveling at over 90 mph through the middle of the town when the male passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder.
Heh, what's all the rushing for? Slow down a bit.
Sorry, mate, I thought I heard someone shout 'faster, faster', , said the taxi driver.
Well, you heard right, but she wasn't talking to you! came the reply.
Someone tapped me on the shoulder today. When I turned around they said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else."
I replied, "You were right."
I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder…
An old lady says to me, Would you like a nut?
I chuckled and said, Sure, thanks.
A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. Would you like another nut?
Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?
She replied, I only like the chocolate around them.
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school
One day he surprised his teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
A taxi passenger
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me?"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a f**... van for the last 25 years."
A young man was drafted and sent to medical evaluation
The doctor asked him to read the first five letters on the poster. He quickly replied What poster? after which he was relieved of duty.
Unfortunately, as he went to the cinema that night, he was seated right next to the very same doctor. Without hesitation, he tapped the doctor on the shoulder and said:
Excuse me miss, is this bus destined for Dallas?
An old man told me about a brothel
I was sitting at a bar one evening and an old man walked in, sat down beside me and ordered a drink. After a few minutes he tapped me on the shoulder and pointed out the window to a building on top of a hill. "That's a brothel. You can tell the ethnicity of the men going there based on where they are. The man going into the brothel, he's Russian. The man leaving, he's Finnish." "What about the man inside the brothel?" I asked. "That man? Himalayan"
My wife has been trying to teach our son sign language
I was skeptical at first because she started so young, but he is starting to catch on. Without a word I watched her ask if he was all done or wanted more food during dinner. He tapped his fingers together, signaling he would like more food. I sat in disbelief as she added more food to his plate. It's so amazing that, at just 13 months old, he can already get my wife to stop talking.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the c**... out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "I'm sorry. It's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Driver
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, and nearly hit a bus. The shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
I spent many hours trying to attach a faucet to a donkey.
I tapped that a**... all night.
At church one Sunday, a teenager made a contribution to the collection plate by dropping in a coin from his pocket.
As he passed the plate along, someone behind him tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a $20 note. Impressed by the person's generosity, the teenager added the $20 to the collection plate.
But then he received another tap on his shoulder and heard a whisper, "Son, that was your $20. It fell out of your pocket."
