Tape Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Tape puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Tape

A guy was screaming at the TV Run idiot, run!

His wife walked in and asked Are you watching a horror movie? . He said No. It's our wedding tape

I tried uploading my sex tape to PornHub.

They told me to try Vine.

A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

PornHub removed my sex tape

They told me to try Vine

Kid: Waaaahhhhh! MY TOY IS BROKEN!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape can't fix.
Kid: mrnm... mmrm.. rnmr...

What makes a girl go "Mmmmmmmmmm"?

Duct Tape.

Last night I played a blank tape at full volume.

The mime next door went nuts.

I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.

It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

What turns "No, no, no" into "Mmmmmmm"?

Duct tape.

What's the best thing about a roll of duct tape?

It turns "no no no!" into "Mmm, mmm, mmmm"

I thought about making a sex tape the other day...

...until I realized it would just be a Vine.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal play hide-and-seek

Einstein decides to be the seeker and begins counting. Pascal immediately runs to a closet and hides inside. Newton doesn't run or try to hide. Instead he takes some tape, makes a box on the ground, and steps inside. Einstein finishes counting and turns around to see Newton standing like an idiot.

"I found you Isaac, great hiding spot," says Einstein.

"You didn't find me," Newton replies. "You found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!"

Tip: when making a sex tape, play Disney music in the background.

That way, if it ever gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

3 steps to fix anything

1. Try duct tape, if that doesn't work, see 2


2. Try gorilla glue, if that doesn't work, see 3


3. Try J.B. Weld, if that doesn't work, C4

I tried to make a sex tape

I came early, so now it's a GIF.

Two goats chew on a VHS tape.

The first goat says "*This film is pretty good"* and the other one replies: "*Yeah, it's OK but the book was better."*

How do you start an Ethiopian rave?

Tape a piece of bread to the ceiling.

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.



A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

I heard Bill Cosby made a sex tape....

Twice as strong as duct tape.

You're so bad in bed that...

Your sex tape would be a vine.

Remember duck tape turns no no no...

In to mmm mmm mmm

A man was watching TV at home

He said out loud "Run you idiot!"

His wife heard him and asked "Are you watching a horror film?"

He responded "Nah. Just our wedding tape."

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.

The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.

'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.

The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'

I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.

A man walks into a costume party

Wearing nothing but underwear, and with a girl wrapped to his back with silver tape.

A friend of his welcomes him and asks "So... What are you dressed as?"

"I'm a turtle", answers the guy.

"And who is this on your back?"

"Oh, that's just Michelle."

(Probably a repost, I know, but the joke is just too good)

Duck tape.

An old man is sitting on his front porch when a young boy comes walking by with several rolls of tape in his arms.

"Now son, whatcha doin' with that tape?" asks the old man.

"Well sir, it's duck tape. I'm going to go catch some ducks." replies the boy.

Old man laughs and watches the boy continue down the road.

Several hours later the boy walks back by the old mans house with tape strung out behind him. Stuck to the tape are several ducks.

"I'll be damned," thinks the old man.

The next day the same boy walks back by the old mans house carrying rolls of wire.

"Hey son, what's with the wire?"

"Well sir, it's chicken wire. Imma catch me some chickens."

Kid continues on and returns several hours later dragging the wire behind him. Stuck in the wire were several chickens.

"Kid is something else," thinks the old man.

Next day kid comes walking up the road carrying a bundle of sticks.

"Hey son, what's with the sticks?"
"Well sir, it's pussywillow..."
Old man interrupts, "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

Government contracts

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how our government operates.

A man is sitting on his porch...

when a young boy walks by, holding a roll of duct tape. The man, slightly amused yet curious, asks the boy what he plans on doing with it.

"I take duck tape down to the lake, and I use it to catch ducks", replies the boy. The man laughs it off, but later the boy returns with his arms full of ducks.

The next day, the man is once again sitting on his porch when the boy comes around again, this time with a roll of chicken wire under his arm. "to catch chickens with", the boy tells the man, who is still a little skeptical, and laughs it off. Sure enough, that night he sees the boy carrying an armload of fat chickens.

The third day, the boy is carrying something, so the man asks what it is.

"They're pussywillows. I use it to..."

The man cuts him off. "I'll get my coat!"

The couple next door have just made a sex tape.

They just don't know it yet.

Duct Tape Won't Fix Stupid.

But it will gag the sound.

My wife and I decided to make a sex tape.

If anyone wants to watch it im uploading the full gif later today.

A blond walks in for a job interview...

She is kind of hot and the boss thinks of hiring her without the formalities. But decides to just ask her a few simple questions anyhow. "Could you tell me how old you are?" The blond starts to count on her fingers until she reaches 19. "19," she replies with a smile. The boss is taken aback and decides to ask an other simple question. "Could you tell me how tall you are?" she goes into her bag and pulls out a tape measure, sticks it under her shoe and starts to pull it to her head. "5'9" She beams with a smile. The boss can't believe how she could be so brainless and decides to ask her something everyone know. " Could you please tell me your name? At this she looks to the ceiling and starts to more her head right to left...right ..left ..right.. left ..right ..left. She does this for a while then says " EEMMILLLYYY" then she says "my names Emily" the boss can't help himself and asks. "Why did you shake your head like that when I asked you your name?" To which she replies," oh I'm remembering that song...
Happy birthday to you"


Sorry for the mess Im using my phone..

My uncle always believed that "Between duct tape and WD-40 you can fix just about anything."

I still can't believe it took seven years before he lost his medical license.

Tapes have A and B sides

So it only made sense to transition to CDs .

A boy is carrying something past an old man on his porch...

The old man sees him and says "Boy, what'cha got there?"

"Duck tape old man. Imma catch me some ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with no duck tape." says the old man.

The boy doesn't listen and walks on. 5 minutes later the boy comes back with 10 ducks all caught up in the tape and quacking away. The man is dumbfounded.

The next day the same boy walks carrying something by the old man.

"Boy, what'cha got there?"

"Chicken Wire" the boy says "Imma catch me some chickens"

"Boy you can't catch chickens with no chicken wire." Replied the old man.

The boy walked on, and not 10 minutes later came back with no less than 20 chickens all rolled up in the wire, clucking away. The old man was dumbfounded.

The next day the boy walked by carrying something. The old man raised an eyebrow.

"Boy, whatcha got there?" said the old man

"Pussywillows" replied the boy.

"Hold on" said the old man "Just let me get my hat."

Sometimes me and my brothers used to mess with grandpa.

Once we asked him if he knew what a sex tape was.

He nodded thoughtfully. 'Sex tapes? Sure, we have those, but your grandmother prefers cuffs.'

Lawyer and Witness

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.
The following exchange took place between the lawyer
and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident
happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well,
sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly
that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took
out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer
would ask me that question."

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

My neighbors made a sex tape today

Obviously I haven't told them yet though

We all saw the tape....

Donald isn't the first guy to pull out of Paris

One for the Mathematicians

Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flagpole.
They only have a measuring tape, and they have not been able to slide the tape up the pole.

A mathematician asks what they are doing, and they explain.
The solution is easy, she says. She pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it.

After she leaves, one of the engineers says,
That is so typical! We tell a mathematician we need the height – and she gives us the length!

Duct tape;

turning "no-no-no" into "mm-mm-mm" since 1942.

You'd be surprised how easy it is to pick up girls

All it takes is a respectful attitude, a low key vibe, a breezy sense of humour, a nice beard, duct tape, and a baseball bat.

I rewinded my wedding tape today

it was wonderful, my wife was taking her ring off, leaving with her family...

How do birds record their songs ?

On duck tape !

true meaning of duck tape

duck tape turns a no no no to a hmm hmm hmm

Silence is golden

And it just so happens that duck tape is silver. Either way you will get silence

The hot couple next door have recently made a sex tape.

Obviously they don't know that yet.

My dad was a stubborn man. He couldn't understand why you shouldn't install a ceiling fan with duct tape.

And then it hit him.

Tape is so anti social

It likes to stick to itself.

Two men are staring at a pole.

After a while a blonde woman walks up to them and asks them what they are looking at.
One of them says, " We are trying to determine the height of the pole."
So the blonde quickly opens her purse, removes a spanner, unscrews the bolts and lays the pole flat on the ground. She then pulls out a measuring tape, measures the distance between the two ends, tells it to the two men and walks away.

After hearing this one man tells the other, "What an idiot! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

I had this problem where the cap wouldn't stay on my whiskey bottle.

So I fixed it with scotch tape.

How do you suffocate a redneck?

Tape his mouth shut.

What's sticky and charming?

Seduct tape

What would you call a Cosby sex tape?

Evidence

I know why all those Galaxy Note Sevens keep catching fire!

My mix tape comes pre-installed on them.

A coworker asked me if I would please quit loudly singing along with my Oasis mix tape this morning.

I said maybe...

An old man is sitting on his porch...

And sees two younger boys walking by with cat tails under their arms

Curious the old man asked where they were going with the cat tails.

"We are going to catch some cats"

"You can't catch cats with cat tails that's not going to work" says the older man.

And the kids go on their way. About an hour later the boys walk by the old mans house with a bunch of cats under their arms

The next day the same 2 boys are walking by with duct tape under their arms and the older man asks again what they are doin.

"We are going to catch some ducks"

"You can't catch ducks with duct tape boys that's not going to work" says the older man.

And the kids go on their way. About 2 hours go by and sure enough the kids walk by the old mans house with ducks under their arms.

The next day the old mans sees the same 2 boys carrying a plant under each arm, the older man stands up and asked what they had this Time.

"These are pussywillows"

The old man then stands up "I'll go get my hat."

Why does Mike Tyson use an engineer's tape measure instead of a carpenter's tape measure?

Because he finds the experience much more in tenths.

How do you start a rave in Uganda?

Tape a slice of bread to the ceiling

Duct Tape is like The Force...

It has a dark side, and a light side, and it holds the universe together.

Why I love duct tape?

It can turn "No, no no!" into "mmph, mmmph, mmmph"

Typical blonde

Billy-Bob and Jimmy stood at the base of the flagpole and looked at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing. "We should find the height of this flagpole," said Jimmy, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took the key from her purse, loosened a few screws and put the bar on the ground. Then she took a tape measure out of her purse, took the measurement and said, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked away. Jimmy shook his head and laughed: "Typical blonde! We ask for height and she gives us the length! "

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes