tape Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious tape puns

A man notices his wife's butt is getting big...

I bet your butt is as big as my grill.

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. Not tonight, says his wife.

He asks her why not, to which she responds, Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?

👍🏼

A guy was screaming at the TV Run idiot, run!

His wife walked in and asked Are you watching a horror movie? . He said No. It's our wedding tape

👍🏼

I tried uploading my sex tape to PornHub.

They told me to try Vine.

👍🏼

A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

👍🏼

A nun was sitting in the bath....

....when there was a knock on the door.

Oh no, she thought. I can't let anyone in here while I'm taking a bath. "Who is it?" she called out in trepidation.

"It's the blind man," came the reply.

Well, I suppose if it's a blind man there's no harm letting him in, thought the nun, and she told the man to come in.

A man in overalls walked in holding a tape measure and wearing a tool belt. "Nice tits love," he said. "Where do you want your blind?"

👍🏼

PornHub removed my sex tape

They told me to try Vine

👍🏼

Kid: Waaaahhhhh! MY TOY IS BROKEN!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape can't fix.
Kid: mrnm... mmrm.. rnmr...

👍🏼

What makes a girl go "Mmmmmmmmmm"?

Duct Tape.

👍🏼

Last night I played a blank tape at full volume.

The mime next door went nuts.

👍🏼

I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.

It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

👍🏼

What's the best thing about a roll of duct tape?

It turns "no no no!" into "Mmm, mmm, mmmm"

👍🏼

I thought about making a sex tape the other day...

...until I realized it would just be a Vine.

👍🏼

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal play hide-and-seek

Einstein decides to be the seeker and begins counting. Pascal immediately runs to a closet and hides inside. Newton doesn't run or try to hide. Instead he takes some tape, makes a box on the ground, and steps inside. Einstein finishes counting and turns around to see Newton standing like an idiot.

"I found you Isaac, great hiding spot," says Einstein.

"You didn't find me," Newton replies. "You found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!"

👍🏼

Tip: when making a sex tape, play Disney music in the background.

That way, if it ever gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

👍🏼

3 steps to fix anything

1. Try duct tape, if that doesn't work, see 2


2. Try gorilla glue, if that doesn't work, see 3


3. Try J.B. Weld, if that doesn't work, C4

👍🏼

Two goats chew on a VHS tape.

The first goat says "*This film is pretty good"* and the other one replies: "*Yeah, it's OK but the book was better."*

👍🏼

How do you start an Ethiopian rave?

Tape a piece of bread to the ceiling.

👍🏼

How do you start a Somali rave?

Tape a piece of bread to the ceiling

👍🏼

Found this joke online thought I'd share it

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

👍🏼

I heard Bill Cosby made a sex tape....

Twice as strong as duct tape.

👍🏼

You're so bad in bed that...

Your sex tape would be a vine.

👍🏼

Remember duck tape turns no no no...

In to mmm mmm mmm

👍🏼

A man was watching TV at home

He said out loud "Run you idiot!"

His wife heard him and asked "Are you watching a horror film?"

He responded "Nah. Just our wedding tape."

👍🏼

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.

The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.

'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.

The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'

I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.

👍🏼

A man walks into a costume party

Wearing nothing but underwear, and with a girl wrapped to his back with silver tape.

A friend of his welcomes him and asks "So... What are you dressed as?"

"I'm a turtle", answers the guy.

"And who is this on your back?"

"Oh, that's just Michelle."

(Probably a repost, I know, but the joke is just too good)

👍🏼

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux

One morning Thibodeaux was sitting on his dock enjoying the sunrise when Boudreaux pulls up in his boat filled with duct tape. Thibodeaux looks at him, and asks "what you doing with a boat full of duct tape?" Boudreaux replies "I'm going duck hunting! You wanna come?" "You can't hunt ducks with duct tape, and no I ain't coming" replied Thibodeaux. So Boudreaux leaves. Later in the day Thibodeaux sees Boudreaux fly by in his boat, and low and behold its full of ducks. "Well i'll be damned!" says Thibodeaux.

The next morning as Thibodeaux is enjoying the sunrise, Boudreaux pulls up in his boat again, this time with a boat full of gatorade. Sarcastically Thibodeaux says "Let me guess, you gonna catch gators with gatorade?" "Yep, you wanna come?" says Boudreaux. "You can't catch gators with gatorade...No I ain't coming!" So Boudreaux leaves. Later that day Thibodeaux sees Boudreaux fly by in his boat, and it was filled with gators. "Well i'll be damned!" says Thibodeaux.

The next morning as Thibodeaux is enjoying the sunrise, Boudreaux pulls up in his boat agian...this time with a boat full of pussy willows. Thibodeaux thinks for a second and says..."Hold on let me get my hat"

👍🏼

Duck tape.

An old man is sitting on his front porch when a young boy comes walking by with several rolls of tape in his arms.

"Now son, whatcha doin' with that tape?" asks the old man.

"Well sir, it's duck tape. I'm going to go catch some ducks." replies the boy.

Old man laughs and watches the boy continue down the road.

Several hours later the boy walks back by the old mans house with tape strung out behind him. Stuck to the tape are several ducks.

"I'll be damned," thinks the old man.

The next day the same boy walks back by the old mans house carrying rolls of wire.

"Hey son, what's with the wire?"

"Well sir, it's chicken wire. Imma catch me some chickens."

Kid continues on and returns several hours later dragging the wire behind him. Stuck in the wire were several chickens.

"Kid is something else," thinks the old man.

Next day kid comes walking up the road carrying a bundle of sticks.

"Hey son, what's with the sticks?"
"Well sir, it's pussywillow..."
Old man interrupts, "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

👍🏼

Me and the wife decided to make our own sex tape but she got pissed off

when I started to hold auditions for her part.

👍🏼

Government contracts

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how our government operates.

👍🏼

Two Kids Walk by an Old man on his porch

Two kids walk by an old man on his porch with some duct tape in their hands.

The old man says "what are you kids doing with the duct tape?"

The kids reply, "we are off to go catch some ducks". To which the old man replies "You will never catch any ducks with that!"

Sure enough the kids come back with several ducks.

The next day the kids come walking by the old mans house with some chicken wire.

The old man says "What are you kids doing with the chicken wire"

The Kids reply "we are off to go catch some chickens" to which the old man replies "You cant catch chickens with chicken wire".

Sure enough the kids come back with several chickens.

The next day the kids come walking down the street with some pussy willow.

The old man says "Let me go get my hat"

👍🏼

Tapeworm


Sorry for the length of this..

A man has bee feeling very sick, so he decides to go in and see his doctor. The man finds out he has a tapeworm. His doctor tells him "There are two options here, surgery, or an experimental procedure I have developed, which we can start today. It will take three weeks."
The man, not wanting surgery, says he will try the new procedure. The doctor tells the man to take his pants off and bend over the table. While the man does this, the doctor takes out a hard-boiled egg and a lemon cookie and proceeds to shove them up the man's ass and says, "Come in next week for the second part of the procedure."
The man comes in the next week, feeling worse than last week and says to the doctor, "I'm not to sure about this procedure.." The doctor says, "Trust me" and gets out the egg and the lemon cookie and proceeds to put the egg then the cookie up the man's ass. Doctor says to come in the next week.
The third week the man comes in and says, "I can't take this any more, lets just do the surgery." And the doctor says "Trust me, it will all be over today." The man says ok and takes his pants off. This time the doctor pulls out the egg and a hammer. He shoves the egg up the man's ass and waits. about 5 minuets later the tapeworm pops his head out of the man's ass and yells, "Where the fuck is my lemon cookie!?!?!?" And WHAM!! The doctor crushes the tapeworm with the hammer.

👍🏼

A guy walks into a pharmacy store

and goes up to the counter and asks the lady at the register where he can find the tampons at. "Aisle 7" she replies. He returns ten minutes later with some string, a roll of scotch tape, and a bag of cotton balls. The lady at the register goes "what in the heck, i thought you were getting tampons?" The man replies, "I was going to until I remembered that i sent my wife out for cigarettes last week and she came home with rolling papers and a bag of tobacco saying it was cheaper to do it myself."

👍🏼

A blonde decided to rent her first porno...

...so she went to the video store and picked out a tape with a title that sounded sexy. She drove home, lit some candles, took off her clothes and placed the tape in the VCR, but nothing appeared on her screen except static. So she called the video store and complained. She said "I just rented a porno from you and there's nothing on the tape but static. The clerk replies "Sorry about that, which movie is it?" She replies "Head Cleaner"!!!

👍🏼

grill

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-arse grill for one little weenie?"

👍🏼

A man is sitting on his porch...

when a young boy walks by, holding a roll of duct tape. The man, slightly amused yet curious, asks the boy what he plans on doing with it.

"I take duck tape down to the lake, and I use it to catch ducks", replies the boy. The man laughs it off, but later the boy returns with his arms full of ducks.

The next day, the man is once again sitting on his porch when the boy comes around again, this time with a roll of chicken wire under his arm. "to catch chickens with", the boy tells the man, who is still a little skeptical, and laughs it off. Sure enough, that night he sees the boy carrying an armload of fat chickens.

The third day, the boy is carrying something, so the man asks what it is.

"They're pussywillows. I use it to..."

The man cuts him off. "I'll get my coat!"

👍🏼

What are the most funny Tape jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Tape? Well, here are the best Tape dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Tape pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes