Tape Jokes
150 tape jokes and hilarious tape puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tape that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Tap into your creative and comical side with this collection of funny jokes about tape! From duct tape, measuring tape, scotch tape, cassette tape, red tape, sticky tape and flex tape, to 8-track tapes, cellophane tape and disc wraps, these hilarious jokes will have you reaching for the ratchet to fix any argument!
Quick Jump To
- Short Tape Jokes
- Tape One Liners
- Duct Tape Jokes
- Measuring Tape Jokes
- Duck Tape Jokes
- Scotch Tape Jokes
- More Tape Jokes
Funniest Tape Short Jokes
Short tape jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tape humour may include short paste jokes also.
- A guy was screaming at the TV Run idiot, run! His wife walked in and asked Are you watching a horror movie? . He said No. It's our wedding tape
- A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?" The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."
- Kid: Waaaahhhhh! MY TOY IS BROKEN! Dad: Nothing a little duct tape can't fix.
Kid: mrnm... mmrm.. rnmr... - i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety and they said: "what's school safety?"
- What's the best thing about a roll of duct tape? It turns "no no no!" into "Mmm, mmm, mmmm"
- Wife finds her husband watching tv Man yells, 'No don't do it!'
Man yells louder, 'Don't do it, you idiot!'
Wife asks, 'What are you watching?'
Man says 'Our wedding tape.' - 3 steps to fix anything 1. Try duct tape, if that doesn't work, see 2
2. Try gorilla glue, if that doesn't work, see 3
3. Try J.B. Weld, if that doesn't work, C4 - Two goats chew on a VHS tape. The first goat says "*This film is pretty good"* and the other one replies: "*Yeah, it's OK but the book was better."*
- A man was watching TV at home He said out loud "Run you idiot!"
His wife heard him and asked "Are you watching a horror film?"
He responded "Nah. Just our wedding tape." - My father asked for the Wi-Fi password... It's taped under the modem, I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?
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Tape One Liners
Which tape one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tape? I can suggest the ones about tube and clip.
- What makes a girl go "Mmmmmmmmmm"? Duct Tape.
- Last night I played a blank tape at full volume. The mime next door went nuts.
- What turns "No, no, no" into "Mmmmmmm"? Duct tape.
- How do you start an Ethiopian rave? Tape a piece of bread to the ceiling.
- Remember duck tape turns no no no... In to mmm mmm mmm
- Tapes have A and B sides So it only made sense to transition to CDs .
- I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.
- As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought, "This will come back to bite me."
- We all saw the tape.... Donald isn't the first guy to pull out of Paris
- Duct tape; turning "no-no-no" into "mm-mm-mm" since 1942.
- How do birds record their songs ? On duck tape !
- true meaning of duck tape duck tape turns a no no no to a hmm hmm hmm
- I was going through my old CDs and casset tapes. I was on a journey of self-discography.
- I tried using Gorilla Tape for my bikini wax. It was a total rip-off.
- Tape is so anti social It likes to stick to itself.
Duct Tape Jokes
Here is a list of funny duct tape jokes and even better duct tape puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My uncle always believed that "Between duct tape and WD-40 you can fix just about anything." I still can't believe it took seven years before he lost his medical license.
- Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
- One day a bunch of bullies came and duct taped me to a wall, but I had a good friend who tried and stop them. He stuck by my side.
- My dad was a stubborn man. He couldn't understand why you shouldn't install a ceiling fan with duct tape. And then it hit him.
- Duct Tape is like The Force... It has a dark side, and a light side, and it holds the universe together.
- Why I love duct tape? It can turn "No, no no!" into "mmph, mmmph, mmmph"
- My doctor says I have antisocial personality disorder. At least, I think that's what he said. It was a bit hard to hear him through the duct tape.
- What"s the best thing about duct tape? It makes them go from "NO, NO, NO!" To "Mmmmmm, Mmmmm, Mmmmm" -Super Dave Osborn
- If duct taping a Matchbox Trans Am to one's ear and pretending it's a Bluetooth device is wrong, then maybe— hang on... I've gotta take this.
- Silence is golden... ... duct tape is silver.
Measuring Tape Jokes
Here is a list of funny measuring tape jokes and even better measuring tape puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why does Mike Tyson use an engineer's tape measure instead of a carpenter's tape measure? Because he finds the experience much more in tenths.
- Do you know why women can't read a tape measure? Because they've been told 6" inches is 8" all their lives.
- My girlfriend's been listening to a lot of books on tape lately. She's going to get very good at measuring, wrapping and recording things.
- I would go to any lengths to find a good measuring tape.
- Today I discovered something curious about the human body Did you know that if you were to take someone's intestines out and stretch them along a 25ft tape measure, the said person would die?
- Yo momma so fat that.... ....her tape measure was in astronomical units.
- I like to get a tape measure and see how far I can get from my girlfriend while still hitting her with it. She hates when I do it, but I'm just measuring her patience.
- Whats the most awkward thing a parent can find in a guys bathroom? a tape measure
Duck Tape Jokes
Here is a list of funny duck tape jokes and even better duck tape puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Silence is golden And it just so happens that duck tape is silver. Either way you will get silence
- What's the best part about duck tape? It makes "No, no, no!", sound like " Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!"
- Duck tape fixes everything... Except relationships because she won't let you put it over her mouth.
- What did scrooge mcduck use to educate huey , dewey and louie? Duck tapes
Scotch Tape Jokes
Here is a list of funny scotch tape jokes and even better scotch tape puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I had this problem where the cap wouldn't stay on my whiskey bottle. So I fixed it with scotch tape.
- What do you call a cassette single of The Proclaimers' hit "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)"? Scotch tape.
- My band director wanted to throw a "taping" party to organize our sheets of music. I told him that I'll bring the Scotch.
- I was concerned about the FBI spying on me through my webcam.. So I put a piece of scotch tape on it.
- What is Tape's favorite drink? Scotch.
- A man walks into a bar and asks for a surprise. The bartender pulls out some ice and a roll of tape. The man asks: what are you making?
The bartender replies: Scotch on the rocks, bud - I was taken hostage the other day. My captors taped me up. I got away scotch free!
- "Your finest Scotch, please."
"Yes, sir," the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.
Hilarious Fun Tape Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about tape you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pipes jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tape pranks.
Tip: when making a s**... tape, play Disney music in the background.
That way, if it ever gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
Pentagon Contract
A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.
Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.
The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.
'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.
The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'
I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.
Tapeworms in a cow
Time for another terrible joke.
So, there are these two tapeworms in a cow. They are talking and just generally gossiping a bunch. One of them tells the other something shocking. The other tapeworm says. "Where did you ever hear that" The first tapeworm replies.
"I heard it through the bovine."
I'll show myself out now.
How do you suffocate a r**...?
Tape his mouth shut.
What's the difference between a wide receiver and Ray Rice's wife?
The NFL will review the tape of the wide receiver getting hit
2 Polish Guys
Were trying to measure the height of a flagpole. They had a tape measure with them and were trying to climb the flagpole, measure in hand. A man walks by and says, "why don't you guys just lay it on the ground and measure it?" One of the Poles replies, "Because we want to measure its height, not length!"
I tried uploading my s**... tape to PornHub.
They told me to try Vine.
I heard Bill Cosby made a s**... tape....
Twice as strong as duct tape.
Duct Tape Won't Fix s**....
But it will gag the sound.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal play hide-and-seek
Einstein decides to be the seeker and begins counting. Pascal immediately runs to a closet and hides inside. Newton doesn't run or try to hide. Instead he takes some tape, makes a box on the ground, and steps inside. Einstein finishes counting and turns around to see Newton standing like an idiot.
"I found you Isaac, great hiding spot," says Einstein.
"You didn't find me," Newton replies. "You found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!"
Man goes into a hardware store...
Says to the shopkeeper, "Can I have a roll of masking tape and some zip ties"
Shopkeeper smiles knowingly, "I'm sorry, thanks to the 50 Shades of Gray film we're out of stock"
The man winces and replies, "OK, just give me a chainsaw and some bin bags"
You'd be surprised how easy it is to pick up girls
All it takes is a respectful attitude, a low key v**..., a breezy sense of humour, a nice beard, duct tape, and a baseball bat.
Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony...
Then everything changed when I dropped my mix tape.
What do you give someone who is about to tear up?
Tape
Do I have a police record?
No... but I have two of their albums on tape.
A coworker asked me if I would please quit loudly singing along with my Oasis mix tape this morning.
I said maybe...
I thought about making a s**... tape the other day...
...until I realized it would just be a Vine.
Have you heard that duct tape can be used as an aphrodisiac?
It turns "NO! NO! NO!" into "MMM! MMM! MMM!"
I set up a camera to record my wife for our s**... tape
I didn't realize it was motion activated so it didn't record a thing.
I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.
It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.
I ask him "What are you doing?"
"I'm measuring your patience."
My first blind date.
My friend set me up on a blind date and all I had was the phone number of the guy I was supposed to meet. So I call him up and ask how will I recognize him?
"I am 175cm tall and weigh 75kg and I will be standing in the corner. What about you?"
I replied, "Well, I guess I will be the one with a tape measure and a bathroom scale..."
Sometimes me and my brothers used to mess with grandpa.
Once we asked him if he knew what a s**... tape was.
He nodded thoughtfully. s**... tapes? Sure, we have those, but your grandmother prefers cuffs.'
I know why all those Galaxy Note Sevens keep catching fire!
My mix tape comes pre-installed on them.
How do you start a rave in Uganda?
Tape a slice of bread to the ceiling
Building in Antarctica is difficult!
No matter what I tried I couldn't get my house to stay together. I tried concrete, brick and mortar, even duct tape! I finally found something that worked though, it was quite simple, igloo'd it together.
I have been looking for a download of an album I used to have on cassette tape.
Anyone have at link to "Head Cleaner Kit"?
What would you call a Cosby s**... tape?
Evidence
Consent is golden. Duct tape is sliver.
And sometimes, you gotta come in second place.
How low is my self esteem?
Well, I'm pretty sure the fbi guy who's responsible for watching me put duct tape on his screen.
What's sticky and charming?
Seduct tape
Did you hear about the insect transport plane that crashed into the Duct factory?
Don't worry, it's all caught on tape
You're so bad in bed that...
Your s**... tape would be a vine.
My Wife was yelling at me last night.
Thank god she was! It reminded me we ran out of duct tape.
One for the Mathematicians
Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flagpole.
They only have a measuring tape, and they have not been able to slide the tape up the pole.
A mathematician asks what they are doing, and they explain.
The solution is easy, she says. She pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it.
After she leaves, one of the engineers says,
That is so typical! We tell a mathematician we need the height – and she gives us the length!
A man walks into a costume party
Wearing nothing but underwear, and with a girl wrapped to his back with silver tape.
A friend of his welcomes him and asks "So... What are you dressed as?"
"I'm a turtle", answers the guy.
"And who is this on your back?"
"Oh, that's just Michelle."
(Probably a repost, I know, but the joke is just too good)
I rewinded my wedding tape today
it was wonderful, my wife was taking her ring off, leaving with her family...
The hot couple next door have recently made a s**... tape.
Obviously they don't know that yet.
How do you start a rave in a sorority house?
Tape a box of Uggs to the roof.
My neighbors made a s**... tape today
Obviously I haven't told them yet though
Tapeworms built a plane, but it didnt fly very fast.
Turns out they forgot to account for parasite drag.
The young couple living next to me made a s**... tape...
They just don't know about it yet.
My wife and I decided to make a s**... tape.
If anyone wants to watch it im uploading the full gif later today.
Taped 4 pictures of Matthew Broderick to each of my rims.
Now I have Ferris Wheels.
The couple next door have just made a s**... tape.
They just don't know it yet.
Silence is golden
Duct tape is silver
I figured out why Trump's Russian pee tape never surfaced...
It was streaming service only.
My attempt to translate joke from my language.
Two men are sitting on the river bank, fishing.
Hedgehog walks out of the woods.
-Hey, guys! Do you have a duct tape?
-Nope...
Hedgehog goes away.
Two hours later hedgehog emerges again.
-Hey, guys! I got a duct tape for you!
What should you use to fix your mask it it breaks?
Masking tape
I tried to make a s**... tape
I came early, so now it's a GIF.
My neighbours recently made a s**... tape ....
Well obviously they don't know that yet!
My neighbours made a s**... tape
But, they don't just know it yet
