Tap Jokes
145 tap jokes and hilarious tap puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tap that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your friends and family laugh with classic Tap Jokes. From water taps to phone taps and even a nod to Spinal Tap - these jokes will have you feeling refreshed and full of laughter. Whether you’ve just installed a new tap and need a cover story, or you just want to swirl a pint of Guinness around, these Tap Jokes are sure to create some fun.
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Funniest Tap Short Jokes
Short tap jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tap humour may include short install jokes also.
- When a maple syrup producer sees a maple tree they don't own, do they think "I'd tap that"?
- As a doctor I often get asked why I use that rubber hammer to tap patient's knees. I dunno. I just get a kick out of it.
- You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water? In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"
- What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor? I'd tap that.
- First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door
My plumber has a funny sense of humour - Scientist: We've successfully taught a dog morse code! Dog: [taps paw]
Me: What did it say??
Scientist: "Woof." - My girlfriend hates it when I tap the brakes to make the car bounce when I listen to hiphop. But when I think about it, she never did like brakedancing.
- Someone tapped me on the shoulder today then did a double-take and said, "Sorry, I thought you were someone else!" I said, "I am."
- A tomato; a tap and a hat were having a race... the tap was running but the hat was on ahead while the tomato couldn't ketchup.
- Beer Belly Some guy looked at my beer belly in the bar last night and asked sarcastically "Is that Budweiser or Heineken?"
My response: "There's a tap underneath, taste it for yourself."
Share These Tap Jokes With Friends
Tap One Liners
Which tap one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tap? I can suggest the ones about baths and water tap.
- I wonder if tap dancers.... Look at a floor and think "I'd tap that"
- I had to quit tap dancing. I kept falling in the sink.
- Why did the pianist go to jail? Because he tapped *A Minor*
- This morning I woke up to a tap on my front door. My plumber has a weird sense of humour.
- This morning there was a tap on my door My plumber has a weird sense of humor
- This morning there was a tap on the front door Funny sense of humour, that plumber.
- woke up to a tap on my door this morning got to get a new plumber
- I was woken up today by a tap on my door Odd sense of humor my plummer has.
- It's white, it's ceramic, and it taps on your door. Let that sink in.
- You heard a tap at the door. Let that sink in.
- What do you call a 1000 rabbit stepping backwards? A receding hare line!
Tap snare! - Girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I'd tap that.
- What do you call it when a tap dancing mare signals for help? Horse code
- I can stop any pipe from leaking Just by giving it a tap
- Dude, the water from the sink is sooo hot... I would tap that.
Tap Water Jokes
Here is a list of funny tap water jokes and even better tap water puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Frozen... Text Message from Wife:
Windows frozen. Won't Open.
Husband:
Pour lukewarm water on window. Tap gently with hammer to free windows.
Wife:
Computer really messed up now. Nothing works. - The E.E.P.A levies charges against Franck Riboud, CEO of Evian, for tapping into protected aquifers in the Swiss Alps. I guess he's in haute water now!
- According to some EU rules, all the countries in EU have to have clean tap water. That explains why Britain has awful tasting water.
- Why does tap water look cloudy sometimes? It's not clear.
- My Tap's Really Scary even the water runs away
- I adopted an African child and wanted it to feel more at home. However, closing off the tap water cannot be a permanent thing.
- What's Conor McGregor's favorite drink? Tap water
- How do you cure water on the brain? How do you cure water on the brain?
A wee tap on the head! - What's a dancer's favorite type of water? Tap water
- Why won't Scotsmen drink tap water? They're lochtose intolerant.
Tap Dance Jokes
Here is a list of funny tap dance jokes and even better tap dance puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- what do you call tap dancing with subtitles? Dubstep
- You know what's a plumber's favourite dance? Tap dance.
- A member of the river dance group walks into a bar. And asks..... What have ya got on tap!?!?
- Who invented tap dancing? A father with six daughters and only one bathroom! :)
- I tried tap dancing once... ... I kept falling in the sink.
- A tap dancing career is one L away from a lap dancing career.
- What's the difference between a pastry doing a tap dance and a lot of pastries doing ballet? Abundance.
- Yo momma Yo momma's feet are so crusty, when she walks on a wooden floor, it sounds like she's tap dancing.
- What's a carrot's favorite type of dancing? Tap root dancing.
- My Brother had to give up Tap Dancing recently. He kept falling into the sink!
Spinal Tap Jokes
Here is a list of funny spinal tap jokes and even better spinal tap puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Catholic priests are like Spinal Tap's amps ...they go up to 11.
- 11 out of 10 people are ... fans of Spinal Tap.
- What do you get when you pat a skeleton on the back? A spinal tap.
Water Tap Jokes
Here is a list of funny water tap jokes and even better water tap puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's a dancers favorite drink? Tap water
- I was wondering why my tap water was cloudy... But then it became clear to me.
- Know why v**... is so clear? Its so Russians can tell it isn't tap water.
- What do you get when you poke at a bottle of water? Tap water
I'm so sorry for how s**... this is, but I felt like I had to share this with someone after I thought of it. - How does the church make holy water? They take regular tap water, and boil the h**... out of it!
Cheeky Tap Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about tap you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tap dance jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tap pranks.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
The troubles of foreigners in Canada
A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.
"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."
"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
**
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…
I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the c**... out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "I'm sorry. It's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
A deer enters a bar...
A deer enters a bar and sits by the bartender. "Whatever's on tap, and keep them coming. I lost a patient today."
The bartender brings over a drink and says, "That's really rough. But I've never met a deer that's a medical practitioner. How did that happen?"
The deer replied, "Well I came from a impoverished part of the forest. It was difficult to get food, difficult to get water, and difficult to find shelter. Nothing came with ease, that's for sure."
"And a deer with no ease becomes a dr."
Irishman in confession
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance...
As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling. The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the entrance had said he was a 9.
"Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German."
Wifi password
I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer to the hotel lounge to do some work. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, "What's the WiFi password?"
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a beer.
Bartender: We have Molson's Canadian on tap.
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $8.00.
Me: Okay, here you go. What's the WiFi password?
Bartender: "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst" -- no spaces and all lowercase.
Irish Confession
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!
An Irishman goes into the confessional box...
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...?
Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.
A taxi passenger
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me?"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a f**... van for the last 25 years."
I was having s**... with my girlfriend when I felt a weird tap on my shoulder...
I hate having s**... in the bath.
I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder…
An old lady says to me, Would you like a nut?
I chuckled and said, Sure, thanks.
A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. Would you like another nut?
Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?
She replied, I only like the chocolate around them.
Jon was excited about his new rifle..
... and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have s**...." Jon decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him. The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough s**...." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
What did the Maple syrup farmer say when he saw a good looking maple tree?
"I'd tap that."
My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum.
"I'm sick of you coming home from the pub drunk out of your mind," she yelled.
"Oh yeah?" I said, burping.
"It's either me or the pub," she said.
I thought well, the pub has better company, but my house has bitter on tap...
I tried to be a tap dancer
but I kept falling in the sink!
(thank you, british uncle ken for that dry humor)
How to add extra fun during your amusement park ride ?
Carry some extra nuts and bolts with you.
as soon as the ride begins, Tap on the shoulder of the guy in front of you. Show them the nuts and bolts and ask
"Are these from your seat ? "
My wife texted me at lunch
"Window's frozen"
"Pour warm water on it, then lightly tap the edges with a hammer and chisel" I replied.
Ten minutes later, she called back.
"We need a new computer now".
It was a dark night in the cemetery..
..and Eric had, unwisely, elected to take a short cut. The leaves rustled in the trees, the shadows appeared to move around him, and then.. and then.. tap, tap, tap. Eric started to walk faster but the tapping was only getting louder. Eric grew scared, really scared, until he rounded a big old gravestone and saw a man tapping away at the front of the stone. Trying to hide his relief, Eric said, "You're up late on a cold windy night!" "Yes", said the man. "You always work this late?" said Eric. "Not normally", replied the man, "But the b**... spelt my name wrong!"
The chief editor of the New York Times is traveling in the Amazon jungle
He travels deep into the jungle hoping to write a story about a tribe of cannibals.
After a couple of weeks he finally locates the tribe and starts spying on them from behind some trees.
He feels a tap on the shoulder and he quickly gets captured and finds himself t**... and looks down and sees a spit with glowing coals warming up below him.
He screams for mercy and says You don't understand, I'm the chief editor of the New York Times!! .
The head cannibal replied, relax…
Soon you'll be the editor in chief…
What does a black rectangle have in common with the girl I met last night?
>!you tap it once and it's gone!<
A blonde goes to a doctor
She says Doctor, my body hurts wherever I touch it! The Doctor says show me . The blonde proceeds to tap her face, elbow, thigh and knee, wincing in pain after each one. See, it's true! She says. The doctor pauses for a second, sighs and says
You have a broken finger
I was alone at home taking a bath... When all of a sudden...
I felt the tap on my shoulder
My wife texted me on a cold winter morning...
My wife texted me on a cold winter morning, saying "Windows frozen, won't open. "
I texted her back, "gently pour some hot water along the edges, and tap it with a hammer. "
After a few minutes she texted back, "computer is really messed up now. "
At church one Sunday, a teenager made a contribution to the collection plate by dropping in a coin from his pocket.
As he passed the plate along, someone behind him tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a $20 note. Impressed by the person's generosity, the teenager added the $20 to the collection plate.
But then he received another tap on his shoulder and heard a whisper, "Son, that was your $20. It fell out of your pocket."
Driver
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, and nearly hit a bus. The shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said no. I didn't know he could.
Credits go to a sign at Mad Squirrel Tap in St Albans, U.K!
A polygamist lion walks into a bar with 3 of his wives: a giraffe, an ostrich and a llama.
He walks up to the bar and asks the rhino bartender to recommend a beer.
Rhino: "Sure, we have lots of great choices on tap."
Lion: "C'mon man... Can't you see I prefer longnecks?"
I walked up to the bar.
I said, "My date would like a drink. What would you recommend?"
He said, "Anything that helps her to get to know the real *you*, sir."
I rummaged around in my wallet and said, "Tap water it is, then."
A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded
"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."
"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
A perfect robbery
Three men are being chased by the police after robbing a store
They find a barn and run into quick, where they find 3 barrels
They each jump into a barrel
The police come into the barn and tap on each barrel
On the first barrel the officer taps
He hears "woof woof"
The officer says "it's ok, it's just a dog"
On the second barrel, the officer taps tree times
He hears "meow, meow"
The officer says "it's ok, it's just a cat"
On the third barrel, the officer taps again
This time he hears "PO-TAY-TO"
The officer says "it's just an Irish parrot"
How to make friends
Next time you are washing your hands next to somebody cup your hands under the tap until the water overflows then look at them dramatically and say "this water is getting out of hand" it is a guaranteed way to make friends. I have never tried it but it is guaranteed
A married couple walks into a bar and the husband asks for whatever is on tap and cheap...
...the bartender reaches for the cheap stuff and pours them Busch. They drink a little bit and seem satisfied as the wife asks her husband,
"What beer is this? Who makes it?"
The husband, unsure due to his vague order asks the bartender "Hey, who makes this beer? My wife is curious."
The bartender replies, "Anheuser-Busch."
The husband looks at the bartender with a stern confusion and shouts,
"She waxes, but that's not any of your business! But seriously, who makes this beer?"
What's the difference between a hard s**... and a gentle pat?
One's a tight slap, the other's a slight tap.
I'm on a long bus ride when I get a tap on the shoulder...
I turn around and an old gal says to me, "Want some nuts?"
I chuckle and say, "Sure, thanks."
A couple of minutes later she taps me again and asks if I want more nuts. I politely accept.
The third time she offers I smile and ask her, "Don't you like nuts?"
She replies, "No, I don't. I only like the chocolate around them."
Shock Rocker Alice Cooper says he's taken up Tap Dancing during lockdown, with online group lessons every Wednesday
He says he's making slow progress, but doing better than Elton John, who - after six weeks - is still standing.
NSA's pick up lines:
"Did you fall from heaven? Because there's no tracking data on how you arrived at this location" "I'd tap that" "I know exactly where you have been all my life"
I've been dating this girl whose psycho ex-boyfriend is a plumber.
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
I once was wrestling a guy and had him in a lock but couldn't make him tap out.
Sorry for the bad submission.
A cabbage, a tap and a tomato had a race
The Cabbage was ahead, the tap was running and the tomato tried to ketchup
I saw the bartender pull a beer from a lever in the shape of a helix.
I asked him what beer that was and he said, "This is Spiral Tap."
Father, forgive me, for it has been a long time since I've been to confession,
A man went into a confessional booth and
discovered a fully equipped bar with beer on
tap and a wall stocked with a dazzling array
of the finest Cuban cigars. When the priest
walked into the room the man said, Father,
forgive me, for it has been a long time since
I've been to confession, but I must say the
confessional box is much more inviting than
I remember.
Get out, the priest ordered. You're on
my side.
Once a tap and a sink went to a bar.
The tap went in but the sink wasn't allowed to enter.
He said to the bouncer today is the oldest you've ever been and the youngest you'll ever be again. Let that sink in.
A man from the US was staying in a Montreal hotel.
He noticed that when he turned on a tap that was labeled C, he got hot water. So, he called the manager to complain.
"Oh," explained the manager, "C stands for 'chaud', which is the French word for 'hot'."
"OK," said the American, "but the other one says C too."
"Bien sûr," replied the manager. "Montreal is a bilingual city."
A muffin and dough and are having a conversation.
And the muffin says, "Dude, everything is energy man; it's all energy swirling around. Good energy, and bad energy, and it all depends on what energy you tap into. It's like the planets and electrons and stuff; everything is swirling."
The dough replies, "Dude, you're baked."
They say men can't multitask, but I can.
I just double tap the home button
The passenger of a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed and almost went offroad.
The passenger said :"Sorry dude, I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much, I touched you gently".
The driver replied,"Well, it's not your fault.
I used to drive a f**... van".
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous, but...
when I tap on the window late at night dressed as a clown, they scream and call the cops.
Are you Flappy Bird?
'Cuz I wanna tap you till you c**....
Hockey players are like goldfish
The way we get their attention is to tap on the glass
I was searching for the end of the line.
I tap a guy on the shoulder and ask, "excuse me sir, are you the last person in line?"
Dude turns are, looks at me funny and goes, "no, you are."
