Tank Jokes
132 tank jokes and hilarious tank puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tank that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh until you're bubbling with these hilarious tank jokes! From septic tanks to oxygen tanks and even Thomas the Tank Engine, we've got tank jokes for every type of tank. Ready to learn about the funnier side of gas tanks, fish tanks, and dunk tanks? Dive in and see what gallon of giggles you can find!
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Funniest Tank Short Jokes
Short tank jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tank humour may include short tractor jokes also.
- My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank. She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
- Why doesn't America parade its new military hardware and tanks down main street like other countries? Because they prefer to parade it down main street IN other countries.
- Putin thought that taking Kyiv was just a matter of painting letters on tanks. It was easier Z than done.
- Two goldfish are in a tank... One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"
- Shark Tank *on shark Tank*
Sharks: what's your idea?
Me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
Shark 1: I'm out
Shark 2: I'm out as well
Hammerhead shark: tell me more - My friend recommended that I try a sensory deprivation tank but I got out after 5 minutes….. I wasn't really feeling it
- What is the most unrealistic part of the newest james bond movie? A Brit with a full petrol tank.
- Tank tops shouldn't be against school dress codes After all, we have a right to bare arms.
- The new French tanks have 14 gears 13 go in reverse and 1 goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.
- Gas prices are getting ridiculous I went online to check the value of my car and it asked if the tank was empty or full.
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Tank One Liners
Which tank one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tank? I can suggest the ones about fuel and vehicle.
- Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors? To see the battlefield
- What should ukrainian soldiers paint on captured Russian tanks? Ctrl-
- Two soldiers are in a tank… …one turns to the other and says, "blubblublbublub".
- People of China, do you want to hear what happened on Tiananmen square in 1989? No tanks.
- You know what never gets old? Russian tank drivers
- Why do French tanks have mirrors? So they could see the battle.
- Two soldiers are in a tank They both drowned
- What do you call a room full of cynical plumbers? A skeptic tank.
- My fish clean my tank for free Suckers
- Where does the army keep fish? In a tank.
- There are two turtles in a tank... one says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"
- Why don't Canadians wear tank tops? They don't have the right to bare arms
- Two soldiers are in a tank. One soldier looks over to the other and says "borglopblaooog"
- What do you call a shirt you go to war with? A tank top!
- How do make a Kia twice as valuable? Fill up the tank
Fish Tank Jokes
Here is a list of funny fish tank jokes and even better fish tank puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A fish lies on the ground outside of his tank, dead. The two remaining fish in the tank talk to each other:
"What happened?!"
"I don't really know... He just yelled 'evolution!' and jumped out." - A coworker told me this one. There are two fish in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says "you know how to drive this thing?"
Apologies if its been posted here. - Old Army Joke Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, You man the gun, I'll drive.
- What did the fish scream when its tank cracked? "Dam-it!"
- I put all my fish in their new tank, but they don't seem to be liking it very much. Perhaps I should have added water.
- Just got a new tank for my fish... Unfortunately none of them could drive it
- Two fish in a tank... Two fish in a tank. The first fish asks the second fish "Who's driving?"
- Two fish are in a tank One is driving, the other is shooting
Two soldiers are in a tank
They drown - So there's two fishes in a tank... One turn to the other and says: Dude, you know how to ride this thing?
- Did you hear about the two fish in the tank? They didn't get very far, neither knew how to drive it
Gas Tank Jokes
Here is a list of funny gas tank jokes and even better gas tank puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Customer: "How much is a drop of gas?" Gas station attendant: "A drop? Free."
Customer: "A tank of drops of gas, please." - You know it's getting bad when.... Kelley Blue Book asks is the gas tank full or empty.
- Why did the Frenchman put snails in his gas tank? To make escargot.
- I'm pretty excited. My loan got approved. I'll be closing on a full tank of gas this week.
- My car was on E. So i went to the gas station and put $40 in the tank. Now it's on E+.
- How do you double the value of a Yugo? Fill up its gas tank.
- Why did the gas station put propane in the gas tanks? April fuels!
- Why did the Pornstar get fired from his job at the gas station? Because every time the tank was almost full he'd pull the nozzle out and spray gas all over the car.
- I called my wife fat and she said "I can't believe you said that to my face!" I replied, "Well, I would say it behind your back, but my car only has half a tank of gas!"
- Why is thanksgiving such a special holiday at the gas station? It is a day to be tankful.
Russian Tank Jokes
Here is a list of funny russian tank jokes and even better russian tank puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My son asked me, "Dad, what does the Z stand for on Russian tanks?" "Well son", I said, "You've heard of Plan A and when that fails, you go to a Plan B?"
"They're on Plan Z already." - How long does it take a Russian tank to drive from Moscow to Kyiv? Depends how many people are pushing.
- Two Russian kgb operatives are also in a tank One turns to the other and says "gurgle gurgle" and they both drown...
Septic Tank Jokes
Here is a list of funny septic tank jokes and even better septic tank puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I heard Russia ordered 1,000 septic tanks from Belarus Once they figure out how to drive them, they'll invade Moldova
- Why does Pennywise live in the sewer? He used to live in a septic tank but he ran out of room for his floaters.
- My dad called the inspector's office to ask when they'd be able to send someone out to look at the septic tank. They told him they were a little backed up at the moment
- What do you call a starship captain who empties space septic tanks? William Shartner.
- Workplaces are like septic tanks: All the biggest lumps eventually rise to the top.
Shark Tank Jokes
Here is a list of funny shark tank jokes and even better shark tank puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Have you ever had the feeling to push someone into a shark tank at an aquarium? Anyways, I lost my job as a shark trainer today.
- I went on shark tank to sell a mixed meat product I offered 20% steak
- A great idea for Shark Tank Mark Cuban Cigars.
Laughable Tank Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about tank you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tube jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tank pranks.
A stuttering man wants to join the army
So he arrives at the base and gets in line. The first man approaches the drill seargent.
"Soldier, what do you want to do?"
"I want to drive a tank!" He is put to the tanks
The next man approaches. "I want to fly a plane!". So he takes to the skies in a fighter jet.
The stutterer then comes up.
"What do you want to to?"
"uh....uh-uh-uh---uh-uh-uh-uh..."
He was put in charge of the machine guns.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you stop a Polish tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it.
Four engineers in a car...
Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously the fuel's gone bad. We need to drain the tank and refill." The mechanical engineer scoffs; "you're both wrong. Sounds to me like a valve lifter is froze. We're gonna need to rip the block apart."
After another moment of silence the three look back at the computer engineer who says; "maybe if we get out of the car and get back in?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Here's an old German joke: What is the difference between a Russian tank and a vacuum cleaner?
There's only one dirtbag in the vacuum cleaner.
Vacations
Russian military tank crosses the border into Finland and a Russian soldier steps out.
"Good morning," says the Border police, "Name?"
"Ivan Ivanovich."
"Occupation?"
"No, just a vacation."
A man on fire
A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What business are you in?
I'll start
'What business are you in?'
'I'm in the Necrophiliac business.'
'How is it?'
'Fucking dead.'
**************
'What business are you in?'
'I'm in the Parkinson's business.'
'How is it?'
'Bit shaky at the moment.'
A game we played as 13 year olds. Plenty more in the tank
What do you call a rich man's white tank top?
A trophy wife beater.
There were two fish in a tank...
One fish said to the other "Who's driving this thing?"
(I know its lame but its the joke our dad has been telling us for years and I thought maybe you guys havn't heard it)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you stop a North Korean tank?
Shoot the soldier pushing it.
Don't invest in SeaWorld
It's really starting to tank
Who won the first Tour de France?
I don't know his name, but I know he was in a German tank.
How do you double the price of a Fiat?
Fill the tank
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a pakistani soldier enlists in the army , ( xpost - india )
A Pakistani soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Pakistani army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Indian tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Indians. I approached the border, and saw an Indian tank. I put my white flag up, the Indian tank put his white flag up. I said to the Indian soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"
Why do Americans weight lift in tank tops?
Because they like to exercise their right to bare arms.
What kind of tank flies?
A Peter Panzer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you stop an Ethiopian tank with a gun?
Shoot the people pushing it.
Police Shooting
A lady was filling up the gas tank in her car and lit a cigarette to pass the time. After which a piece of ash fell onto her arm and started a fire. As she's flailing about trying to put the fire out, a police cruiser pulls into the station. Instinctively, she starts running towards the officer in an effort to get help. The police officer sees the lady running at him and shoots her, killing her
I guess you shouldn't run towards police officers if you have a firearm
When I was in the army I was offered the position of tank commander...
But I said, " No tanks"
My father died today at work...
he worked at the brewery and fell into a beer tank. All the co-workers rushed to help him and to get him out, but despite their best efforts my dad managed to fight them all back and then drowned.
The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...
She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"
I responded, "Inflation."
I tried to sell my Thomas the Tank Engine train set at an antiques store today.
"You would have got more for it if the fat controller wasn't missing." Said the assistant.
"Yeah, you're probably right." I replied. "She's good at haggling."
I wear tank tops because of the Second Amendment.
I sure do love my right to bare arms.
Two fish are in a tank...
...And one fish says "you man the guns, I'l drive!"
(laugh track)
Suddenly, the fish points to the horizon and says "What is that over there?" The other fish then exclaims "That's anemone! I can sea him!"
John goes to the gas station
John goes to the gas station and asks the owner: What does a drop of gas cost? The owner answers that he could get a drop for free. So John goes on to say: Well then, I would like to have a tank full of drops.
I call my toilet the oval office..
It's got a think tank, and a pipeline for delivering healthcare reform.
Who won the first Tour de France?
The 3rd German Tank Division.
How did Thomas the Tank become a faster steam engine?
He trained.
How to go through intersection in a tank
1) Approach intersection
2) Check if there is another tank coming
3) Proceed
Two goldfish are in a tank. What did one say to another?
You handle the guns, I'll drive
Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)
An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked the guide, "So is this tank for the more serious dolphins?" The guide said, "Yes, for all intensive porpoises."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old Romanian Joke: How do you stop an Albanian Tank?
You shoot the guy pushing it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
best jokes about Albania, from Romania:
Why the Albanian submarines resurface every 2 minutes? So the rowers can breath.
How do you destroy an Albanian tank? You shot the guy that pushes it.
Why did the Albanians lost the war? The archer was sick.
The Albanians managed to releases on market their fist computer, it's keyboard has 2 b**...: if you pres the first one nothing happens and the second one cancels the command
I still remember my grandfather's last words before he passed away
"Son, you are stepping on the oxygen tank"
A man runs out of petrol
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
`"Try it now,'' said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''
"BP,'' answered the bee.
In 1919, a storage tank full of molasses in Boston exploded, causing a flood that killed 21 people.
I guess you could call it the Boston Molassacre.
A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.
On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over. One of the bees says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further. It works, until they run out of gas again.
The second bee steps up and says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further. It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.
This time the squirrel chimes in and says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further.
But the man says, Don't bother, she only runs on BP.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny Catches his Dad and Step-Mom Having s**...
Dad: It's OK Little Johnny, I'm just filling your step-mom's tank..........
Little Johnny: Really? Well, you should trade her for a woman that gets better mileage. The Postman already filled her up this morning.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you stop a Syrian Tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it
Two friends are talking...
"I want to buy a tank!" "Buy it then." "But I don't have the money!" "Borrow it then." "But I don't have the money to pay it back!" "You'll have a tank by then."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two fish were put into a tank. They started talking.
One said to the other, you drive, I'll shoot the guns.
An engineer and a machinist are tasked with drilling a hole into a the deck of a ship.
They arrive on site, the engineer confirms the position of the hole, the machinist starts drilling. Before they reach the required depth, oil starts spewing out the flutes of the drill bit -- they've drilled into the oil tank.
"How're we gonna explain this to the boss?" -- asks the machinist.
"Look, buddy, I have no idea what *we* are gonna do, but what *I'm* gonna do is move that hole 5 inches to the left on the blueprint."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A worker was stopped by a cop at the gates of a winery
Cop: "Sorry the winery is closed today due to an ongoing investigation. Please go home."
Worker: "What happened?"
Cop: "One of your colleagues fell into a wine tank and ended up drowning."
Worker: "Oh my God. That is terrible."
Cop: "It appears he died doing what he loved doing."
Worker: "How can you say that! Everyone hates working here!"
Cop: "Well, the CCTV footage showed him getting out of the tank five times to take a p**...."
What's the difference betweena tank top and a wife beater?
A tank top shoots missiles, and a wife beater shoots missus.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
General approaches the Bugler
The General went to the company Bugler.
I understand that you're something of a composer. One of my senior officers has been run over by a tank, and I'd like you to write a f**... dirge for him.
No sweat.
What key will you compose it in?
It would be fitting to use A flat major.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call someone who questions everything and is full of s**...?
A skeptic tank
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call the weight of a porta-p**... when the tank is full?
The g**... weight
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you stop a Russian tank?
You shoot the two soldiers pushing it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you get a Russian soldier to retreat faster?
Give him a full tank of gas
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Russians does it take to drive a tank?
Two.
One to control the steering wheel, and one to go flag down the Ukrainian farmer to give them a lift.
What's the difference between "Thomas the Tank Engine" and Princess Diana?
Thomas made it through the tunnel
A Sea Lion escaped from the Atlanta Aquarium...
I heard they had to re-seal the tank...
A man once came across an armoured aquarium.
He said to himself, "This thing's built like a tank."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you stop a russian tank from advancing?
Shoot the soldier pushing it.
Russian Tanks
"What's the difference between a Russian tank and a Hoover vacuum cleaner? "
"The Russian tank has 4 dirt-bags in it."
Apparently this joke comes from an OLD soviet-era General who apparently liked to tell it almost any time he gave a speeches to his NATO counterparts.
Russian, German and an Estonian
A Russian, German and an Estonian are having a flight together when the pilot tells them that each of them has to threw something out to reduce the weight of the plane. The German throw's out a car and say's that they have too many of them. The Russian then proceeds to throw out a Tank saying that they have too many of them. Then the Estonian proceeds to throw out the Russian saying that they have too many of them.
