Tank Jokes
147 tank jokes and hilarious tank puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tank that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh until you're bubbling with these hilarious tank jokes! From septic tanks to oxygen tanks and even Thomas the Tank Engine, we've got tank jokes for every type of tank. Ready to learn about the funnier side of gas tanks, fish tanks, and dunk tanks? Dive in and see what gallon of giggles you can find!
Quick Jump To
- Short Tank Jokes
- Tank One Liners
- Fish Tank Jokes
- Gas Tank Jokes
- Russian Tank Jokes
- Septic Tank Jokes
- Shark Tank Jokes
- More Tank Jokes
Funniest Tank Short Jokes
Short tank jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tank humour may include short tractor jokes also.
- My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank. She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
- Why doesn't America parade its new military hardware and tanks down main street like other countries? Because they prefer to parade it down main street IN other countries.
- Putin thought that taking Kyiv was just a matter of painting letters on tanks. It was easier Z than done.
- Two goldfish are in a tank... One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"
- Shark Tank *on shark Tank*
Sharks: what's your idea?
Me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
Shark 1: I'm out
Shark 2: I'm out as well
Hammerhead shark: tell me more - Two fish are in a tank Then one of them turns to the other and asks, Do you know how to drive this thing?
- Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other. Do you know how to drive this thing?
- My friend recommended that I try a sensory deprivation tank but I got out after 5 minutes….. I wasn't really feeling it
- My daughter told me this one today and it had me in stitches. Two goldfish are in a tank... One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"
- What is the most unrealistic part of the newest james bond movie? A Brit with a full petrol tank.
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Tank One Liners
Which tank one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tank? I can suggest the ones about fuel and vehicle.
- Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors? To see the battlefield
- Why do french tanks have rearway mirrors? So the drivers could see the battlefield.
- How do you stop a Russian tank? Shoot the soldiers pushing it.
- Why do french tanks have rear mirrors? So they can also see the front lines.
- How do you stop a Russian tank? You shoot the two soldiers pushing it.
- What should ukrainian soldiers paint on captured Russian tanks? Ctrl-
- How do you stop a North Korean tank? Shoot the soldier pushing it.
- How do you stop a russian tank from advancing? Shoot the soldier pushing it.
- Two soldiers are in a tank… …one turns to the other and says, "blubblublbublub".
- A Mexican magician works on Microsoft Windows Uno, and *p**...*, DOS is gone without a tres.
- What do you get when you put adderall into the gas tank of a Ford Fiesta? A ford Focus.
- People of China, do you want to hear what happened on Tiananmen square in 1989? No tanks.
- Old Romanian Joke: How do you stop an Albanian Tank? You shoot the guy pushing it.
- You know what never gets old? Russian tank drivers
- Two fish are in a tank. One says: How do you drive this thing?
Fish Tank Jokes
Here is a list of funny fish tank jokes and even better fish tank puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two fish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says, How do you drive this thing?
- Two fish sitting in a tank One said to the other I have no idea how to drive this thing
- Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"
Two soldiers are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "BLUGHGLGHGBGBHB" - Two gold fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says 'You drive, I'll man the guns!'
- There are two fish in a tank First fish turns to the second fish and says "you work the guns, I'll drive"
- Two goldfish are hanging out in a tank One fish turns to the other and says, 'Any idea on how to drive this thing ?'
- There are two fish in a tank... One looks at the other and asks 'any idea how to drive this thing?'
- There's some fish in a tank One fish turns to another and asks, how do you drive this thing?
- My fish clean my tank for free Suckers
- Where does the army keep fish? In a tank.
Gas Tank Jokes
Here is a list of funny gas tank jokes and even better gas tank puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Gas prices are getting ridiculous I went online to check the value of my car and it asked if the tank was empty or full.
- A man made a motorcycle completely out of wood It had a wooden engine, a wooden frame, wooden tires, wooden gas tank, everything was wood.
But did he ride it?
No, wooden start.... - Customer: "How much is a drop of gas?" Gas station attendant: "A drop? Free."
Customer: "A tank of drops of gas, please." - Did you hear about the car with a wooden engine, wooden wheels, and wooden gas tank? It wooden go!
- You know it's getting bad when.... Kelley Blue Book asks is the gas tank full or empty.
- Why did the Frenchman put snails in his gas tank? To make escargot.
- I'm pretty excited. My loan got approved. I'll be closing on a full tank of gas this week.
- How do you get a Russian soldier to retreat faster? Give him a full tank of gas
- My car was on E. So i went to the gas station and put $40 in the tank. Now it's on E+.
- A woodcutter once decided to build his own motor bike. He used wood for the frame, wood for the engine, wood for the brakes, and even a wooden gas tank. Did he ride it? No. It wooden start.
Russian Tank Jokes
Here is a list of funny russian tank jokes and even better russian tank puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Here's an old German joke: What is the difference between a Russian tank and a vacuum cleaner? There's only one dirtbag in the vacuum cleaner.
- How many Russians does it take to drive a tank? Two.
One to control the steering wheel, and one to go flag down the Ukrainian farmer to give them a lift. - My son asked me, "Dad, what does the Z stand for on Russian tanks?" "Well son", I said, "You've heard of Plan A and when that fails, you go to a Plan B?"
"They're on Plan Z already." - Why did the Russian Army install Rear-view mirrors in their Tanks? To see the battlefield.
- How long does it take a Russian tank to drive from Moscow to Kyiv? Depends how many people are pushing.
- Why do Russians paint Z's on their tanks? So they can say Ukrainians are not-Z's.
- how do you stop a Russian tank? kill the two guys pushing it
- How do you get all those Russian tanks out from the mud? Ukraine them out.
- How do you remove all the Russian tanks stuck in the fields outside Kyiv? Ukraine them out.
- Two Russian kgb operatives are also in a tank One turns to the other and says "gurgle gurgle" and they both drown...
Septic Tank Jokes
Here is a list of funny septic tank jokes and even better septic tank puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I heard Russia ordered 1,000 septic tanks from Belarus Once they figure out how to drive them, they'll invade Moldova
- Why does Pennywise live in the sewer? He used to live in a septic tank but he ran out of room for his floaters.
- Did you hear Poland bought 5,000 septic tanks? As soon as they figure out how to drive them, they'll invade Germany.
- My dad called the inspector's office to ask when they'd be able to send someone out to look at the septic tank. They told him they were a little backed up at the moment
- What do you call a starship captain who empties space septic tanks? William Shartner.
- Polish Tanks Question: Did you know that Poland just bought 10,000 Septic Tanks?
Answer: As soon as they learn how to drive 'em, they are going to invade Russia. - Workplaces are like septic tanks: All the biggest lumps eventually rise to the top.
- Poland just ordered 6,000 septic tanks The defense minister is reported to have said "Once our soldiers learn how to drive them, our enemies will be in deep s**...."
- What do the priest and the septic tank pumper agree on? One day you'll pay for the s**... you've done.
- What do you say to the guy who just jumped in the septic tank? u**... over your head!
Shark Tank Jokes
Here is a list of funny shark tank jokes and even better shark tank puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Have you ever had the feeling to push someone into a shark tank at an aquarium? Anyways, I lost my job as a shark trainer today.
- I went on shark tank to sell a mixed meat product I offered 20% steak
- Meanwhile on Shark Tank... me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i'm out
shark 2: i'm out
hammerhead shark: i'm listening - A great idea for Shark Tank Mark Cuban Cigars.
Laughable Tank Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about tank you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tube jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tank pranks.
p**... the Irishman took his goldfish to the vet...
... and says to the vet,
"Doctor, my goldfish is very sick! I think he may have epilepsy."
The vet has a quick look at the fish, and after a few seconds he says, "Well, p**..., your fish looks fine."
p**... then replies, "Oh wait Doc, I haven't taken him out of the tank yet!"
A stuttering man wants to join the army
So he arrives at the base and gets in line. The first man approaches the drill seargent.
"Soldier, what do you want to do?"
"I want to drive a tank!" He is put to the tanks
The next man approaches. "I want to fly a plane!". So he takes to the skies in a fighter jet.
The stutterer then comes up.
"What do you want to to?"
"uh....uh-uh-uh---uh-uh-uh-uh..."
He was put in charge of the machine guns.
A fish lies on the ground outside of his tank, dead.
The two remaining fish in the tank talk to each other:
"What happened?!"
"I don't really know... He just yelled 'EVOLUTION!' and jumped out."
How do you stop a Polish tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it.
Four engineers in a car...
Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously the fuel's gone bad. We need to drain the tank and refill." The mechanical engineer scoffs; "you're both wrong. Sounds to me like a valve lifter is froze. We're gonna need to rip the block apart."
After another moment of silence the three look back at the computer engineer who says; "maybe if we get out of the car and get back in?"
Vacations
Russian military tank crosses the border into Finland and a Russian soldier steps out.
"Good morning," says the Border police, "Name?"
"Ivan Ivanovich."
"Occupation?"
"No, just a vacation."
A man on fire
A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.
What do you call a rich man's white tank top?
A trophy wife beater.
How do you stop a Mexican tank?
You shoot the people pushing it.
Two soldiers are in a tank.
One soldier looks over to the other and says "borglopblaooog"
Why don't Canadians wear tank tops?
They don't have the right to bare arms
There were two fish in a tank...
One fish said to the other "Who's driving this thing?"
(I know its lame but its the joke our dad has been telling us for years and I thought maybe you guys havn't heard it)
Two fish in a tank
Fish 1: uh, Greg?
Fish 2: what
Fish 1: how do we drive this thing
How do make a Kia twice as valuable?
Fill up the tank
Police Shooting
A lady was filling up the gas tank in her car and lit a cigarette to pass the time. After which a piece of ash fell onto her arm and started a fire. As she's flailing about trying to put the fire out, a police cruiser pulls into the station. Instinctively, she starts running towards the officer in an effort to get help. The police officer sees the lady running at him and shoots her, killing her
I guess you shouldn't run towards police officers if you have a firearm
Tank tops shouldn't be against school dress codes
After all, we have a right to bare arms.
The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...
She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"
I responded, "Inflation."
How many gears does a french tank have?
6, 1 forward and 5 reverse.
John goes to the gas station
John goes to the gas station and asks the owner: What does a drop of gas cost? The owner answers that he could get a drop for free. So John goes on to say: Well then, I would like to have a tank full of drops.
I call my toilet the oval office..
It's got a think tank, and a pipeline for delivering healthcare reform.
Who won the first Tour de France?
The 3rd German Tank Division.
Have you heard about the new French tank? It had fourteen motors.
13 go in reverse.
The last one goes forward, in case the enemy attacks from behind.
How to go through intersection in a tank
1) Approach intersection
2) Check if there is another tank coming
3) Proceed
There were two fish in a tank...
The first fish looks over at the second fish and asks....
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
What do you call a room full of cynical plumbers?
A skeptic tank.
Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)
An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked the guide, "So is this tank for the more serious dolphins?" The guide said, "Yes, for all intensive porpoises."
Why do lots of Americans wear tank tops?
Because they have the right to bare arms
There are two turtles in a tank...
one says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"
Two soldiers are in a tank
They both drowned
There were these two goldfish, sitting in a tank....
One says, "You drive. I'll do the guns."
A man runs out of petrol
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
`"Try it now,'' said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''
"BP,'' answered the bee.
Two goldfish are in a tank
One says to the other how do we drive this thing?
In 1919, a storage tank full of molasses in Boston exploded, causing a flood that killed 21 people.
I guess you could call it the Boston Molassacre.
A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.
On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over. One of the bees says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further. It works, until they run out of gas again.
The second bee steps up and says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further. It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.
This time the squirrel chimes in and says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further.
But the man says, Don't bother, she only runs on BP.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, You know how to drive this thing?!
Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other-
How the h**... are we supposed to drive this thing?
Two fish in a tank
One turns to the other and says, do you know how to drive this thing
Two fish were put into a tank. They started talking.
One said to the other, you drive, I'll shoot the guns.
An engineer and a machinist are tasked with drilling a hole into a the deck of a ship.
They arrive on site, the engineer confirms the position of the hole, the machinist starts drilling. Before they reach the required depth, oil starts spewing out the flutes of the drill bit -- they've drilled into the oil tank.
"How're we gonna explain this to the boss?" -- asks the machinist.
"Look, buddy, I have no idea what *we* are gonna do, but what *I'm* gonna do is move that hole 5 inches to the left on the blueprint."
A worker was stopped by a cop at the gates of a winery
Cop: "Sorry the winery is closed today due to an ongoing investigation. Please go home."
Worker: "What happened?"
Cop: "One of your colleagues fell into a wine tank and ended up drowning."
Worker: "Oh my God. That is terrible."
Cop: "It appears he died doing what he loved doing."
Worker: "How can you say that! Everyone hates working here!"
Cop: "Well, the CCTV footage showed him getting out of the tank five times to take a p**...."
Watching tropical fish in a tank can be very relaxing.
It's the indoor fins.
What do you call someone who questions everything and is full of s**...?
A skeptic tank
What do you call the weight of a porta-p**... when the tank is full?
The g**... weight
A coworker told me this one. There are two fish in a tank.
One fish turns to the other and says "you know how to drive this thing?"
Apologies if its been posted here.
Russian Tanks
"What's the difference between a Russian tank and a Hoover vacuum cleaner? "
"The Russian tank has 4 dirt-bags in it."
Apparently this joke comes from an OLD soviet-era General who apparently liked to tell it almost any time he gave a speeches to his NATO counterparts.
Russian, German and an Estonian
A Russian, German and an Estonian are having a flight together when the pilot tells them that each of them has to threw something out to reduce the weight of the plane. The German throw's out a car and say's that they have too many of them. The Russian then proceeds to throw out a Tank saying that they have too many of them. Then the Estonian proceeds to throw out the Russian saying that they have too many of them.
Two lobsters were in a tank.
The one said to the other, "It sure would be easier driving this thing without rubber bands on our claws."
