Tampons Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

Three tampons are walking down the road. A thin, a regular, and a super. Which one says hi first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!

So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted, "Walmart, halfway down aisle 10, bottom shelf!"

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

What did the 3 tampons say when they walked past you?

Nothing! They were all stuck up bitches...

What did the two tampons say to each other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.

I literally traded a homeless guy a cigarette for that joke. Worth it.

Two young boys go to a store

They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around they come up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks "Why?" One little boy replies "It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis, and other activities!! We just need to figure out how they work."

What did the two tampons say to each other?

Nothing, they're both stuck-up cunts.

Why do Apples new headphones look like tampons?

Because they're made exclusively for cunts.

Three guys in a cell are just starting life sentences...

The first guy pulls out a deck of cards and says, "We're going to be here a long time, so when we get bored we can play poker."

The second guy says, "Great idea. I brought a harmonica, so when we get sad I can play a song to cheer us up."

The third guy pulls out a box of tampons. "What the hell are they for?" ask the first two guys.

"Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, *and* play tennis with these."

Why do women's prisons give out tampons on release day?

Because all sentences should end with a period.

Why did the two tampons not talk to each other?

because they're both stuck up cunts

Woman goes to a doctor with a tampon lodged inside her...

Doctor: So how did this happen?

Woman: I don't know, I mean I didn't get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!

Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn't that sound suspiciously cheap to you?

Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked the entire listing and it said plain and clear

One hundred boxes of tampons for $1...

...no strings attached!

Three tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first?

None of them. They were all stuck up cunts.

I just finished decorating my xmas tree with tampons.

For the Christmas period.

Tampax has announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel.

This is for the Christmas period only.

Why don't tampons talk to maxi-pads?

Because they're stuck-up cunts.

Why don't pads like tampons?...

Because they're stuck up bitches.

Two brothers, aged 9 and 5, try to buy tampons at a pharmacy.

They take them to the counter and the pharmacist says, Are these for you?

The older brother says, They aren't for me, they're for my brother.

Very confused the pharmacist asks, But, why does your brother need them? , and the older brother says, Well, the lady on the TV said if you use these you can swim and ride a bicycle and he can't do either of those things.

Why do tampons have strings?

So vampires don't burn their fingers while making tea.

cigarettes and tampons (this is long)

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles,
the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him,
he answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife,
she directs him down the correct aisle,
a few minutes later he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter,
she says confused "sir i thought you were looking for some tampons for you wife?"
he answers "you see it's like this, yesterday i sent my wife to the store to get me cigarettes,
she can back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, because "it's soooooooo much cheaper." So i figure if i have to roll my own so does she

5 boxes for a dollar...

A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying, "5 boxes for a dollar."

Well, the woman just can't believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct.

He replies, "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."

She says, "That can't be right!"

The clerk responds, "Oh yes, it's right!! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."

Why do maxi-pads hate tampons so much?

Because tampons are stuck up cunts

A wife sends her husband to the store to buy tampons.

He asks the front desk lady where the tampons are located. She points him in the right direction, and he saunters off. A little while later, he returns with cotton balls and some string. Confused, the clerk asks, "Didn't you come in here looking for tampons?"

"I did," he replied, " but last week I sent my wife to the store for cigarettes and she came back with rolling papers and tobacco, because it was cheaper. If I have to roll my own, so does she."

Recreational tampons...

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

A woman sees a sale sign that says "Tampons: 3 boxes for $5"

Wanting to take advantage of the deal, she goes into the store. The sales attendant immediately comes up to her and asks if he can help her, she says, "Yes, I saw a sign outside that said you have a sale going for tampons, are they really just $5 for three whole boxes?

The sales attendant replies," Yes ma'am, they're three boxes for $5, and there are no strings attached."

Why do archaeologists collect used tampons?

They like to figure out what period they came from..

A woman is standing in line...

...at the checkout in a grocery store. She has in her cart a box of laundry detergent, some cereal, a pack of tampons, some apples and toilet paper. When it's her turn to checkout, the clerk looks at all her purchases and remarks, "Wow, you must be single." The woman exclaims, "Wow! You can tell that just by looking at what I bought?" The clerk responds, "No, you're just fucking ugly."

A guy walks into a pharmacy store

and goes up to the counter and asks the lady at the register where he can find the tampons at. "Aisle 7" she replies. He returns ten minutes later with some string, a roll of scotch tape, and a bag of cotton balls. The lady at the register goes "what in the heck, i thought you were getting tampons?" The man replies, "I was going to until I remembered that i sent my wife out for cigarettes last week and she came home with rolling papers and a bag of tobacco saying it was cheaper to do it myself."

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter...

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight." the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for our brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He cant do either one."

Two tampons walk past each other down the street, which one says, "Hello" first?

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

Roll your Own

A man walks into a store and asks the clerk where he can find the tampons, so he can pick some up for his wife. He is directed to the appropriate "nasty women stuff" isle. He returns a few minutes later with a bag of cotton balls and a roll of kite string. The clerk hesitantly asks, " I know it's none of my business, but weren't you looking for tampons?"

The man replies, " Yeah, but then I remembered the last time I sent my wife out to get me cigarettes and she came back with a pouch of tobacco and some papers because it was cheaper. So this time she can roll her own."

Why do tampons have strings attached?

So you can floss after you eat.


Alt ending: So the crabs can bungee jump.

Two tampons are walking down the street. One is a name brand, and the other is generic. Which one talks to you first?

Neither. They're stuck up bitches.

A Texan walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles

The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
The Texan answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, hell, I figure that if I have to roll my own, so can she!"

Three boys were sitting around, talking about stuff they wanted.

The first boy said, "man, I really want a gaming system. I would love to be able to sit around and play video games all the time."

The second boy said, "That would be great, but I want a new bike. I could get to anywhere in town if I had a new bike."

The third boy said, "I really want some tampons."

The other two boys looked at each other, shrugged and asked the third boy, "what's a tampon?"

The third boy said, "I don't know, but I saw a commercial for them the other day, and it said if you have tampons you can go swimming, go horseback riding...."

A British vampire walks inside a bar...

The bartender offers him a glass of fresh blood but he refused. Instead, the vampire just asked for a cup of warm water. The bartender asked him why to which the vampire replied, "Well, I found some used tampons earlier. I'm just going to make some tea."

Three tampons are walking down the street. One super large, one standard and one ultra slim. Which one stops to say hello first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

This dude from Florida got mad at me the other day.

Apparently people from Tampa aren't called tampons.

I used to have a secret fetish for used tampons, but it's not so secret anymore.

I was caught red handed.

Why do Canadian women use hockey pucks instead of tampons?

Because they last for 3 periods.

I am a modern man, I don't mind buying tampons.

But apparently, they are not a proper present

Three Tampons Were Walking Down The Road

Mini, Maxi, and Super. Which one said "hello" first? (insert jokee guess here). None of them, they're all stuck up cunts.

He's My Brother!

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?

Eight, the boy replied.

The man continued, Do you know what these are used for?

The boy replied, Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes," the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of that!"

TIL: You can use tampons to stuff bullet holes to stall bleeing before getting the person to the hospital.

That's actually what tampons were originally used for. Then nurses were all, "Wait, I've got a bleeding hole too!"

Three bloody tampons are walking down the street. Which one talks to you first?

None of them because they are stuck up cunts.

I heard a life tip that went; If you're ever too embarrassed to buy something, get a birthday card with it.

The cashier wasn't amused by the birthday tampons for my wife.

24 hour Pharmacy gets a call at midnight..(russian joke)

This a translation of an old russian joke that i heard as a kid, hope you like it:

A 24 hour pharmacy gets a call at midnight. The caller asks whether they have tampons in store. Yes answers the pharmacist, we have plenty of tampons. Well then shove them in your ass, says the caller and hangs up. The next day the pharmacist gets another call at midnight. Again he tells the caller that he has a lot of tampons in store. To this the caller tells him to shove all those tampons in his ass. The third night the phone rings again. Angrily the pharmacists picks up the phone. Do you have tampons? asks the caller. NO I DONT HAVE ANY TAMPONS IN STORE, yells the pharmacist in the phone. Well perhaps you shouldnt have shoved them all in your ass then says the caller and hangs up.

Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him If she can help
him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for
his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers because it's soooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."

Why do tampons have strings?

Because crabs like to bungee jump too.


Told this to my friend's dad.His answer:So you can floss when you're done eating.

Tampons on sale

A woman goes into the drug store and notices a large stack of tampons in the corner with a sign above saying: "Special Offer, Five Boxes for $2.50"

She says to the assistant. What's the catch"?

The assistant replies "It's a genuine offer, five boxes for $2.50, no strings attached.

Why aren't tampons very nice?

Because they're stuck up cunts most of the time.

Why are tampons always grumpy?

Because they're stuck up cunts.

My wife saw an ad in a window

Which said "tampons 50cents"
Is that true, she asked the shopkeeper...
Very true, he said...."no strings attached"

A group of vampires walk into a bar when the bartender asks "what'll be?"

The vampires reply, "Cups of hot water for all of us"

They take the cups of hot water and shuffle off into a corner of the bar.

The bartender watches them for awhile and finally his curiosity gets the better of him so he walks over to them.

He looks at them quizzically, " Guys, why the hot water? No bloody marys or any such drink?"

The vampires pull tampons out of their cups, "Thanks! We're just having tea tonight."

Three tampons walk into a bar, a kotex, a playtex, and a tampax. Which one says hello first?

None, they're all stuck up bitches.

Two condoms are walking downtown...

...when they see a pair of good looking tampons walking towards them on the other side of the street. One looks at the other and asks, "Which one should we say hi to?" To which his friend replies, "Don't bother saying hi; they're both stuck up bitches."

The woman in the store

A woman walks into a store. Billy the clerk and the manager are talking away, and the woman asks the clerk where some stuff is.

Woman: "Excuse me sir, do you know where the Kleenex, toilet paper, ear cleaners, napkins, and tampons are?

The manager replies with, "Dear Lord Billy, help her! She's leaking from every hole!"

3 boys find a 5 dollar bill on the sidewalk

3 boys find a 5 dollar bill on the sidewalk and try to decide how to spend it.
The first boy says "we should go buy a comic book". The other 2 decide against it, realizing that once they've read it, they'll have nothing left.
The second boy says "we should go buy candy". The other 2 decide against it, realizing that much candy will give them upset stomachs.
The 3rd boy says "I know! We can buy a box of tampons! According to the commercials, with it we can go horseback riding, swimming, biking, jogging..."

I Have No Problems Buying Tampons

For my girlfriend, I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" birthday present.

I went to the doctor because my tampons kept coming out a weird colour...

He just said 'I don't know what colour you were expecting if you put them up your arse Dave...'

What are the funniest tampons jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Tampons? Well, here are the best Tampons puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Tampons pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes