Tall Jokes

What are some Tall jokes?

Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."

Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

How did Kevin Spacey find the little boy in all the Tall grass?

Satisfying.

A physicist sees a person on the top of a very tall building.

"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

How did the redneck find his sister in the tall grass?

Quite satisfying

So..the wife and I were in town shopping....

..and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.

I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".

She got really upset with me..in fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.

Men call short women "petite". What do women call short men?

Um, yeh, they don't call.

Source: I'm not a tall man.

A tall guy walks into a bar

that's what he gets for being tall

Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."

I asked a tall guy "how's the weather up there"

He spat on me and told me it's raining

Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park

They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.

How did the priest find the little boy in the tall grass?

Delightful

why are black people so tall?

because their knee grows

A homeless guy sees a lady about to kill herself.

He walks up to her standing on the edge of a tall bridge and says, hey I know what you're about to do, and I won't pretend to understand or stop you, but before you do, can we please have sex? It's been a really long time.

She replies, no you sicko!

So he says it's cool. I'll just go wait at the bottom.

How did the hillbilly find the sheep in the tall grass?

Satisfying

A physicist notices a man about to jump of a really tall building, he yells:

DONT JUMP YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL

If a tall lesbian and a short lesbian have a baby...

...you could call them maxi-mum and mini-mum.

I went to school with a very tall guy named Jimmy Glasscock.

You could always see him coming.

An indian lady visited a bar for the first time

She was nervous but sat on one tall stool in front of the bartender.

The guy sitting on her left said: "Jack Daniels, Single"

The guy on her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single"

Then the bartender looked at the lady & said: And you..?

The lady replied: "Parmjeet kaur, Married.

A young boy sees a tall black man

The boy says "wow you must be good at basketball!"

The black man irritably says "That's racist, just because I'm black doesn't mean I'm good at basketball."

The boy replies "I said you must be good at basketball because you are tall. If I judged you for being black, I wouldn't have said you were good at anything."

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?

Very satisfying.

I just purchased a new iPhone 7 Plus, and my son dropped it, So i'm giving it away.

He's 8 years old, tall and quite thin. Good with pets.

The English and the Scots.

A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."

An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp

Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishman looks thoughtful for a moment and says, "Tell me more about this wall."
The genie responds, "It is twenty miles tall, a hundred feet thick and made of granite. Nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it with water."

They always asked me if I play basketball because I was tall.

They stopped asking me that when I asked them if they play mini golf.

Four older men are bragging about their sons

The first says, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Excellency".

The second says, "My son is an archbishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Grace".

The third says, "My son is a cardinal, and when he enters the room people say, Your Eminence".

"My son is 7 feet tall, and 500 pounds," says the fourth man.

"And when he enter the room, people say, 'My God!'"


...told by my parish priest.

The Ukrainian government is opening up a tourist attraction in Chernobyl.

It will be like Disney World, except the six foot tall mouse is real.

What's 8 feet tall, covered in fur, and walks around the Himalayas undermining your arguments by attacking your character?

The Adhomineminal Snowman

It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country. It's what's INSIDE that counts!

I love you refrigerator!

TIL

There's a central african tribe of pygmy called the ''Fakawi'.



But how did they get this name?..



Their habitat in the jungle is covered with wild grass which is 4 feet high but the pygmies are only 3 feet tall...



Every so often they could be seen jumping up shouting...



''Where the Fakawi?''

Why did Dave Grohl buy such a tall house?

He wanted to make sure he was getting the best, the best, the best, the best-a view.

A man is standing on the top of a tall building about to commit suicide...

...when a physicist at the bottom shouts up, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Being tall is an enormous responsibility

Short people look up to you.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle...

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

The First Night of the Honeymoon

The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.

The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.

She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.

"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."

She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.

The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.

She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."

Did you know the Hover Dam was supposed to be twice as tall as it is now?

After some re-evaluation, they thought it would be 2 dam high.


I'll see myself out...

A biker walks into a bar...

...and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

A crusty old biker walls into a bar..

..and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.


He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:


Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99


The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile.


The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

A blind man walks into a bar

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,

Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,

Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?

The blind guy says, Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

I haven't had sex since 1956!

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
Shout out to u/mister_damage

A man is standing on a tall ledge.

A physicist yells from the street, "Don't jump! You have too much potential!"

Penguin

A bartender was working late at night when suddenly a man ran bursting through the door and asked the bartender.

Man: "QUICK, HOW TALL IS A PENGUIN?"

The bartender slightly confused, he simply said.

Bartender: "about this tall"

The man started to panic and said.

Man: "Oh god i ran over a nun!"

Three ladies meet up for a drink

Three ladies meet up for a drink once a week.

The first lady says: "The other night, when my boyfriend got in from work, I surprised him. I was standing in the hallway, wearing these tall leather boots, a corset, long black silk gloves, and lots of makeup. I looked him in the eye and said 'Hello there, big boy.' He grabbed me, flung me to the floor and we made love right there and then and it was AMAZING."

Next week they meet up again.

The second lady says to the first one: "I took a tip from you. The other night my fiance came home from work, and I was standing in the bedroom wearing high heels, a tiny skirt, a see-through top and heavy makeup. I said 'Hello there. Big Boy.' and he flung me on the bed and it was unbelievable! He was like a wild animal!"

The third lady, married for ten years and seeing things get a bit stale in the bedroom, decides she needs a piece of the action.

She dresses up in thigh high leather boots, a tiny black skirt, a cleavage-tastic corset, long black gloves and she puts on the sluttiest makeup job in the history of slutty makeup jobs. She waits in the kitchen, thinking that when hubby gets home he may do something really sordid like make love to her right there on the kitchen table.

Sure enough, he comes home and walks into the kitchen.

She looks him in the eye and says: "Hello there. Big Boy."

He looks back at her and says: "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

Optimist: Glass half full

Pessimist : Glass half empty

Engineer: Glass is too tall.

A bowling ball jumped off the roof of a tall building.

Looking among the pieces of shattered bowling ball, the Physicist in the crowd regretfully said, "He had so much potential..."








I know I know. I'm not a dad but I teach physics and I've never made up a joke before....

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in the tall grass?

Very satisfying.

Retweaked joke:
How does a (insert nationality here) find a sheep in the tall grass?
Very (insert extremely lustful emotion here)!

I'm 12 feet taller than my grandparents.

I'm 6 feet tall and they're 6 feet under.

There's a central african tribe of pygmy called the ''Fakawi'.

But how did they get this name?..

Their habitat in the jungle is covered with wild grass which is 4 feet high but the pygmies are only 3 feet tall...

Every so often they could be seen jumping up shouting...

''Where the Fakawi?''

Walking past a lunatic asylum

Walking past a lunatic asylum , and I could hear the inmates shouting 13, 13, 13, 13, curiosity got the better of me but the walls were too tall to see over .all the time they kept on shouting 13, 13, 13, finally I found a hole in the wall so I took a peep and some fool poked me in the eye with a stick and then they started shouting 14, 14, 14, 14,

Yet Another Bar Joke

Three friends walk into a bar. After a round, the first of the group speaks up. "I would like to reveal to you that I am actually a wizard!" The second friend said, "Good gravy, I am a sorceror too!" The third wasn't anyone magical, but felt pressured to say that he was. The first man said, "Let's have a contest, let's try to make this bar rise into the air!" The first magician caused the bar to rise to the height of a tall mountain. The second said, "Pft, that's nothing," and the bar shot to the edge of space. Now the first two were waiting for the third. The third then cleverly said, "I can't do it. You've set the bar too high."

The Native American

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for position in United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."

A man walks into a bar and strolls up to the counter

Without a word he pulls out a miniature piano and a foot tall man from his jacket. The tiny man immediately starts playing a beautiful sonata.

"Thats amazing son. Where in the world did you get him from?", asked the bartender.

The man pulls out a magic lamp and sets it on the counter. "I just rubbed the lamp and made a wish. Wanna try?"

The bartender eagerly nods and rubs the lamp and suddenly the bar is filled with a million ducks.

"Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks" the bartender yelled.

"Ya", the man replied "you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

Which is the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has many stories.

Okay, I'll show myself out.

How does a Welshman find a sheep in tall grass?

Attractive

I own the tallest horse in town.

When I sit on it, I understand what it's like to be a vegan.

A 3 foot tall psychic escapes prison, then he gets a look at the newspaper

"Small medium at large"

A boy is looking over a tall cliff...

A young boy is peering down a high cliff when an old man walks over. The old man says "Hey its dangerous up here, where are your parents?". The boy tearfully replies "my mom just fell off the cliff". The old man horrified asks "Where is your father?". This time the boy falls to his knees and cries "He fell trying to save her". The old man unzips his pants and says "Sorry kid, today just isn't your day".

A helicopter flying over Seattle,with all communication devices down.because of the fog and rain he lost his position.

Desperate the pilot writes on a piece of paper "Where am I?" and sticks it on the windshield. He sees a tall building and surrounds it. The people inside see the note and hurry to help the pilot and they write on the window: " You're inside a helicopter ". The pilot makes a loop and safely lands. Everybody is astonished and ask him how did he do it? He said when he saw the message on the window he immediate knew his position; he realized the tall building was Microsoft because their answers are always technically correct but completely useless

A guy walks into a bar and sees a 12 inch man playing the piano

So the guy walks up to the bartender and asks where did you find a guy that's a foot tall and can play the piano?

Bartender: I wished for him

Guy: yeah, like I'm gonna believe that

Bartender: no seriously, here you make a wish

So the bartender hands the man a magical genie lamp, and all of the sudden a million ducks appear out of nowhere.

Guy: what is this I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks

Bartender: and you think I wished for a 12inch pianist.

What do girls call guys who are less than 6 feet tall?

Friends.

Missing wives.

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around- WalMart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'

To which the old guy says, Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

A lawyer hunting in the country shoots a duck...

...and it falls on the other side of a tall picket fence surrounding a rickety old house. As the lawyer is climbing over the fence, an old man comes scrambling out of the house yelling "That duck is on my property and it belongs to me!" The lawyer quickly retorts "I shot that duck! and if you make any move to take it from me I'll sue you for everything you own!" The old man says "Well hold on mister, down in this country we settle arguments with the old three kick rule. I kick you three times and you kick me three times until someone gives up." The lawyer, thinking he could easily take the old man, agrees. Immediately the old man kicks the lawyer once in the mouth, once in the stomach, and once in the groin, knocking him to the ground. The lawyer, after moaning for some time and still in quite a bit of pain, gets up and says "Alright old man, now it's my turn!" And the old man says "No I give up, you can have the duck."

Tall people don't need to be inspirational

Everyone already looks up to them.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.....

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Mary's high school.
"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1989. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, gray-haired, decrepit, son-of-a-bitch, asked,
"What did you teach" ?

Two guys meet at the store.

Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around the grocery store
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."

Why are Dutch people so tall?

Shorter ones drowned in floods.

Deaf At The Hotel

A deaf couple on their honeymoon spend all day traveling and then check into a tall fancy hotel late in the day. They get to the room, only to realize they've forgotten the champagne. The guy signs that he'll run out and get some. So he drives to the store and grabs the best bottle he can find. As he gets out of the car back at the hotel, he realizes that he's forgotten which room he's in. Thinking for a second, he gets back into the car and blows the horn nonstop for a good 20 seconds. All of the lights in the hotel light up.....................except 1.

A blond walks in for a job interview...

She is kind of hot and the boss thinks of hiring her without the formalities. But decides to just ask her a few simple questions anyhow. "Could you tell me how old you are?" The blond starts to count on her fingers until she reaches 19. "19," she replies with a smile. The boss is taken aback and decides to ask an other simple question. "Could you tell me how tall you are?" she goes into her bag and pulls out a tape measure, sticks it under her shoe and starts to pull it to her head. "5'9" She beams with a smile. The boss can't believe how she could be so brainless and decides to ask her something everyone know. " Could you please tell me your name? At this she looks to the ceiling and starts to more her head right to left...right ..left ..right.. left ..right ..left. She does this for a while then says " EEMMILLLYYY" then she says "my names Emily" the boss can't help himself and asks. "Why did you shake your head like that when I asked you your name?" To which she replies," oh I'm remembering that song...
Happy birthday to you"


Sorry for the mess Im using my phone..

A woman was walking home all alone...

It was late at night in a sketchy part of town. She notices the figure of a tall dark man about a block behind her, but thinks nothing of it and continues to walk home. A little while later she checks again and the figure is still there, but this time significantly closer to her, she quickens her pace and continues checking over her shoulder, each time the dark figure closes the gap little by little. She decides she can't take it anymore and starts running, the chase is on. In a moment of panic the woman turns down a dead end alleyway, wherein the stalker knew she was trapped. The figure, slowly approaching the dainty, defenseless victim let out a sexual but grimacing "mmmm." The woman tried to scream, but nothing came from her throat, she was slowly accepting her fate and slumped into a corner, clinging to the wall, pleading and weeping silently to herself. The would be rapist then threw open its trench coat, revealing tight fitting clothes over a woman's body, and childishly shrieked "Orange you glad I don't have a banana?"

Variation of the hot air balloon joke

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign read: "IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at her map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how did the sign help determine their position. The pilot responded "Well the response they gave me was technically correct, but completely useless, so I knew that had to be the Microsoft building."

A knock at the door

Every day, Jim gets two six packs on the way home from work. When he gets home, he sits in his living room until they're gone. One day, just as he's getting to the end of the last beer, he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it, and sees a six foot tall grasshopper. Before he can say a word, the grasshopper punches him in the face as hard as he's ever been hit! Floored, he can't respond before the grasshopper leaves.

He decides he'd better be in better shape, so the next day he only gets one six pack. Just as he's finishing the last beer, he hears another knock at the door. He gets up to answer it, a bit more wary this time. Not that it does him any good. The six foot tall grasshopper is there again, and this time hits him *twice*, each one as hard as he's ever been hit! Again, the grasshopper leaves before he can do anything.

On the third day, he decides he'd better just skip his beer. He's sitting in his living room, stone cold sober, when he hears a knock at the door. He checks his peephole. It's the grasshopper. But he figures this time he hasn't been drinking and he can take him, so he opens the door. Before he can do anything, the grasshopper knocks him down and kicks him until he can't move. Again, the grasshopper leaves when it's done.

Obviously he's in bad shape after that, so he goes in to see his doctor. He describes what's been going on. The doctor nods knowingly, "Yeah, there's been a pretty nasty bug going around."

A short person walks into a bar.

And his tall friend trips over it.

"61...61...61..."

A man was walking by a tall wall surrounding a hospital, what he thought was an insane asylum. He heard low voices moaning and groaning and saying, "61...61...61..." over and over again. It was odd and unsettling. It was a bit creepy. And he wondered what the heck was going on behind those walls. His pace slowed as the voices got a little louder and more organized...

"61! 61! 61!"

He noticed a small beam of light coming out of a small hole about waist high. It was his chance to see what was happening.

As he bent over and peered into the hole, a stick poked through it and jabbed him right in the eye.

"OUCH!" he shouted, as he fell back on his behind.

The voices then happily started shouting, "62! 62! 62!"

Which Goddess is 3.37 feet tall?

Demeter

You know what the worst part about being tall and funny is?

My jokes go right over most people's head.

A husbands last request

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with brown hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

How to make Tall jokes?

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