Talks So Much Jokes
116 talks so much jokes and hilarious talks so much puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about talks so much that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Talks So Much Short Jokes
Short talks so much jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The talks so much humour may include short you talk so much jokes also.
- A man goes on a date Friend: 'How did your date go?'
Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'
Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'
Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1' - There has been much said and sung about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one ever talks about the other four letters? The Tea of the tiger was quite a refreshing and pleasant event!
- I am a chemist and my wife says I talk about my work way too much I promised I'd only do it Periodically from now on
- I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers. I nearly fell out of my tree.
- A physics student was standing on top of a building, threatening to jump I tried to talk him out of it, because he had so much potential.
- My wife joined a support group for people who talk too much. It's called
On Anon Anon Anon. - My wife left me because, according to her, I talk about herbs and spices too much. Oh well.... It was probably thyme.
- Tinder is haunted I have been talking to someone on tinder and i told her how much i love halloween. To this, she said "great, i have something perfect for you"
Then she ghosted me. - Why did people hate talking to Newton? Because he approached each conversation with too much gravity
- How Many New Yorkers Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb? Three. One to change it, and two to talk about how much better the bulbs in New York are.
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Talks So Much One Liners
Which talks so much one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with talks so much? I can suggest the ones about talking too much and talking dog.
- Beer has female hormones Whenever I am drinking I talk too much and can't drive a car.
- what do you call a support group for people who talk too much? On and on Anon
- I had to give up being a Taxi Driver. There was just too much talking behind my back.
- A friend asked me what my tattoo says. I told him, "It doesn't really talk much."
- I called my wife Genji today No matter how much she talked she wouldn't get to the point.
- What do you name a black girl that talks too much? LaQuacious
- Support Group for People Who Talk Too Much It's called On and On Anon.
- If a parking spot says Reserved can I park there if I don't talk much?
- Why do girls talk so much? They have four lips
- I often get asked why I talk to myself so much said the soliloquist.
- I just discovered the biggest number I can't talk about it right now, it's too much
- I keep hearing so much talk about ISIS right now... They're really blowing up.
- What do gods talk about in their spare time? Nothing much. Just idol chatter
- Why don't people talk much in Finland? Because it is hard to Finnish a sentence
- God has not talked much lately. I'm afraid he might be autistic.
Talks So Much Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about talks so much you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean topic talk jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make talks so much pranks.
A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
My collection of meta knock knock jokes (on mobile so bad formatting)
Knock knock|who's there|hallucinations| hallucinations who? | (Walk away)
|||knock knock|who's there|sudden anxiety attack|sudden anxiety attack who?|Sorry am I talking too much?
||| Knock knock|Who's there|Your inability to focus|your inability to focus who|(mouth the words your inability to focus making me quiet but don't actually say it)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist...
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent e**.... It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.
Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)
Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied Ya, well I sew women's underpants. He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.
Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied Diesel fitter. He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.
After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole's check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole's was. The manager told him, Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.
Sven's anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says Ya, diesel fitter. What has that got to do with engines?
A turtle walks into a bar
He says to the bartender 'I'd like a glass of water' The bartender gives,him the glass and the turtle goes out of the bar. That situation repeats 3 times and then the bartender thinks to himself 'I'll ask the turtle why does he need so much water'. The turtle comes in and again asks for a glass of water. The bartender asks him 'Why do you need so much water?' To what the turtle responds 'Cut the talking, there's a forest fire outside!'
The half-wit
A man owned a small farm in Norfolk.
The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
How could I ever live without you?
An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says.
"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"
Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?" ... She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."
The Montana Department of Employment
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder
They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:
"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"
and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been born black"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man's father has just passed...
The son is arranging the f**... and talks to the mortician about his father's remains. He says "I know we don't have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can".
A week after the f**..., the mortician presents the son with a bill for $50. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another $50 bill from the mortician. He pays that as well.
A week later low and behold a third bills comes to the son for $50. The son calls the mortician and says "The f**... was 3 weeks ago, why am I still getting this $50 bill?" "You wanted the best for your father", the mortician says, "so I rented him a tux".
A Million Dollars
A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.
"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"
GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"
GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."
The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"
GOD said, "In a minute."
So a college teacher is talking to his male students...
"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."
Suddenly, a student in the back raises his hand and asks:
"How much for a semester pass?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two dogs are at the vet talking.
Two dogs are at the vet talking.
Great Dane: So what are you here for?
Poodle: Well I've been wandering around the neighborhood too much lately looking for s**... so they're having me castrated, you?
Great Dane: My mistress does the housework n**..., she was bending over cleaning the vegetable draw in the fridge and I just couldn't help myself so I went for it.
Poodle: So you're here for castration too hey?
Great Dane: No, I'm here to get my claws trimmed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.
Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg r**... and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."
Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know that beer contains female hormones?
It's true. You drink too much you get fat, get emotional, talk too much, cry, and you can't drive a car.
All apologies to the fairer s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to do it before it gets cool, and one to talk about how much better the old one used to be.
A man owned a small farm
A man owned a small farm near Maddock. The North Dakota Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my field hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I go into town and buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer sadly.
A boy is talking to his 100 year-old grandfather...
The grandfather says, "You know, when I was not so much older than you are now, I lived in Sydney, Australia. In fact, I earned a bit of spare change helping on the construction of the ol' Harbour Bridge."
The boy says, "Wow! That sounds fascinating! Was it exciting?"
The grandfather, shaking his head, says, "It was just riveting work."
So, the 7 year-old daughter is talking with her mom...
"Mom, today at school during break, Jason and I played doctor!" she says excitedly.
"Oh dear" the mother answers, fearing the worst "what did you two do?"
"Oh, not much, he made me wait forty-five minutes and then double billed the insurance company."
A Texan was talking to a rancher from Canada...
about the overseas market. The Texan was bragging about his huge herds and the vast amounts of money he was making shipping thousands of heads of cattle overseas every year to the Chinese market.
The Canadian, not wanting to be outdone, shot back, "Yeah? Well I ship that much cattle every month!"
The Texan looked at him for a moment, then smiled as he said, "Well, you got me there then. You clearly are the biggest bull shipper I ever met!"
Romantic men
3 men talk about their wives. The first one says: "My wife is like a butterfly, so delicate and pretty". The second one: "Mine is like a baby deer, beautiful and gracious". After a moment of silence the third one goes: "Now that I think about it mine doesn't look much human either".
A boy to his mother: Do you know how much suffering the poor beast had to endure for you to get this fur coat?
My boy, you mustn't talk so disrespectfully about your father.
A man was recently admitted to the emergency room because of a tendency to talk with his hands too much.
He was diagnosed with gesticular cancer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: **"Anyone know whose phone this is?"**
After seeing the "Women don't talk much in Star Wars" video...
Maybe that's how they got so much done
Two factory workers are talking.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Two Germans are talking about 9/11....
One said : How much terroristen died zat dey? Twelve? The other replied : "Nein, Eleven."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
How much money are we talking about here?
I'm certain there are female hormones in beer.
When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.
A concerned friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
I told him "about 30 minutes".
They're talking about doing an intervention, what do I do?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gods Vacation
The gods were planning on where to spend their next vacations; Shiva suggested: "what about Neptune?", then Ala said: "It's too cold!"; Zeus then suggested: "Let's go to Mars!", then Buddha replied "Nah, we went there last time!". So someone spoke "What about Earth?", for God to reply: "no way, Earth people like to gossip too much. I went there 2000 years ago, had a thing with a v**... and they're still talking about it!"
A Man was talking with his best friend.
About how much he hates his Mother in law.
Friend says " Well without your Mother in law you wouldn't have your wife so you cant hate her."
Man says "No pretty sure thats mainly the reason I hate her."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do women talk so much?
Because they have 4 lips.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
13, 1 to actually do it and the other 12 talk about how much better they could have done it.
Obama and Putin have a discussion..
Putin: Let's just talk about this man to man..
Obama: Ok one moment, let me get Michelle.
My uncle told it much better but I can't remember how he said it. Feel free to repost it if you can format it better.
George W. Bush visits Algeria.
As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: "You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra..."
A young grandson is talking to his grandfather.
"You know grandpa. Our generation is so much better then yours. We have video games, the internet, cell phones and so much cool technology. Your generation didn't have any of that!"
His grandfather replies;
"You're right, we didn't have any of those things around. That's why we had to invent them!"
Two pregnant women are talking about their future babies
"I feel like my girl will be an athlete, she kicks so much in there it's unbelieavable!"
"Oh, I'm sure mine will be a comedian."
"How can you be so sure?"
"You wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke."
The School teacher sent home a note with her student..
The note reads, Your son is an obedient and bright student, but spends too much time talking to girls.
Mother sends a note back the following day, Please advise a solution. Father has the same problem.'
Me: I can't believe it increased by 1500%.
Professor: I'm sick of hearing about BITCOIN! Nothing can increase by that much and still be a good investment.
Me: I was talking about the price of college tuition since 1980...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny and his pet.
Dad walks by little johnny's room and hears "how much is 5 plus 5?"
He walks in and asks little johnny "why are you talking to your rabbit?"
Johnny says: "This one is s**..., the teacher told me that rabbits can multiply very fast but this one can't even add up"
A man walks into a sculptors studio and says...
"I would like a bust in my image so how much would that cost?"
The sculptor says " woah you only just walked in the door and you are already talking prices, let's back up a bit"
The man replied " I'm sorry I'm getting a head of myself"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dad tells his son about the dangers of m**...
The dad : "If you do it too much you'll end up blind"
The son : "Dad you're talking to the wall again"
The Chinese pharmacist
A man sends his wife to pick up his erectile dysfunction medication.
She gets back and they get undressed and get down to business.
The wife stops and says our new pharmacist is a very nice Chinese man but talks too much politics but don't worry, I made sure your pills aren't made in Russia
Why would it matter if the Russians made my pills said the husband.
The wife responded well the pharmacist told me Russia was meddling in U.S erections
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't like to talk i**... immigration too much.
Because that's crossing a border
Two Parents Get Arrested
A couple is arrested after they get caught burning their son's name on farms. Picture a big bonfire, but it spells their son's name.
It's a tense ride into the station. The parents are obviously nervous, so the officer makes some small talk.
After a while, though, the curiosity gets the best of him so he asks them why.
Cop: Of all things to spell out, why your son's name?
Dad: We figured it was the best way to show how much we love arson.
(From my grandfather)A man from the city goes to work on a farm
He helps the farmer with the harvesting and is riding the tractor around the big field while the farmer is working at one place. Everytime the man passes the farmer he greets him with a simple ''Hey''. This goes on for a little while, until the end of the day.
The farmer walks up to the man and says; ''You're fired. You talk way too much''
There were two talking snakes....
....One was American, and the other British. The British one went "sssssssss", hissing as he normally did to the American snake because he was eating too much. The American one then went "No, this is America, we say zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz instead.".
Two men are talking in a Louisiana bar.
One says to the other, "I had the strangest encounter last night. An alligator crept into my room, climbed into my bed next to me, and just stayed there all night hissing away."
"Weren't you scared at all?", said the other man.
The first man replies, "Well I guess because of the fact I was married to a cold-blooded reptile for 20 years, it didn't really bother me that much."
ME: I trained this chicken to talk.
HER: Let's hear then.
ME: What's a male deer called?
CHICKEN: Buck
ME: How much is 200 pennies worth?
CHICKEN: Buck Buck
HER: This is dumb.
CHICKEN: It gets way better, Susan.
After talking with his girlfriend Kim, Steve reluctantly decided it was best to ask for her father's permission to get married.
"So," said Kim's father, "you want to be my son-in-law, do you?"
Not particularly, " Steve responded, "but if I want to marry your daughter I haven't much choice, have I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
All this talk about John Cena
I have heard so much about how much of a 'hard man' John Cena is! Honestly if he's so hard, why doesn't he come smash my head on this keyboarddhjfiefkejfjl
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hopping onto the trend of jokes translated into English, here's one from my family in Bosnia
Two men are sitting together and talking, the first asks, "Do you love your wife?"
The second replies, "Of course I love my wife!"
The first then says, "Ok but how much?"
The second man isn't sure how to answer, so the first man asks, "Say your wife is being attacked by a bear, what would you do?"
The second man simply says, "s**... bear."
Seller: 500$ for this parrot
Guy: 500$ HERE.
Voice in background: 1000$ HE-RE.
Seller: 1000$ going 1st..
Guy: 1100$ HERE.
Voice in background: 5000$ HE-RE.
Seller: 5000$ going twice....
Guy: 5100$ HERE.
Voice in background: 25.000 HE-RE.
Guy: 25.100 HERE.
Seller: Sold!!
Guy: I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out he can't talk!!!
Auctioneer: Dont worry he can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...
"These b**... immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these b**... immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."
His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"
The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own b**... culture. They bring their own food, spit their own b**... languages, try to take over the whole b**... place."
His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"
A man and a blonde woman are talking about their children while waiting for them at nursery.
Man: How many kids do you have here mam?
Blonde: Oh I have two toddlers. What about you?
Man: I have one that's just under two.
Blonde: Look I know I'm a blonde, but I know how much one is.
A Bad Original Joke
One day, a farmer walked up to a fisherman, and said, "Oi, I found this 'ere red thing glimmerin' at the river over yonder. Issa worth much?"
The fisherman takes a look at what the farmer caught. After inspecting it for quite some time, he frowns and says, "I'm afraid it's worthless, sir.
The farmer frowns. "I'm not sure what you're talking about. It's glimmerin', and it looks like a ruby if I've ever seen one!"
"I'm sorry sir. I'm afraid this is just a red herring."
A man realized he needed to pu...
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from $2 to $2,000."
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket."
"How does it work?" asked the customer.
"For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
Wrong, just wrong.
I once dated a girl who talked about her ex- so much I ended up missing the guy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
John and Jack were talking in a bar...
John said: you know Jack, I'll miss you when you are gone. You'll be buried, grass will grow over you, a cow will eat it and will do its business on the road. I'll look to it and think poor Jack, changed so much .
Jack than replied: dear John, I'll also miss you when you are gone. You'll be buried, grass will grow over you, a cow will eat it and will do its business on the road. I'll walk to it and think poor John, hasn't changed a bit .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Car for Sale
p**... wanted to sell his car but was concerned he wouldn't get much for it due to the high mileage, he spoke to his friend Mickey who suggested winding the clock back, reducing the mileage, in the hope he could ask for more money.
A few days later p**... was talking to Mickey again, 'How'd you get on sellin the car p**...?' He asked his friend.
'I didn't sell it in the end' he said. 'Why not?' asked Mickey. 'Well I wound it back like you said, and when I'd finished sure there was only 12,000 miles on the clock, so I decided to keep it'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A world with the undead
Imagine a world where zombies exist, but they're not dangerous. Just like you and I every day, except they eat brains.
The government has decided that humans can donate their o**... to zombies for consumption.
Everything is pretty much back to normal.
A man and a woman end up going on a first date. They make everyday small talk.
The man says, "So, what do you do for a living?"
The woman responds, "Actually, I'm dead."
I was at a hospital, talking to some patients.
I tried to lighten the mood with a coronavirus joke. Barely anyone reacted at first, but eventually everyone got it. However, the Chinese guy got it right off the bat. Some people have called my joke tasteless, however. It really killed the mood. But I bet the British variation of this joke will spread much quicker!
I was talking to this girl
And she said men are like snow storms .
Puzzled I asked why that was
She replied, you never know how much you're going to get or how long it's going to last .
(I'll show myself out)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Having puppies
**Three dogs are at the vet's. Talking dog talk.**
Rover, "Why are you guys here?"
Sparky, "I been peeing all over the house. I'm going to get my nuts cut off." Ruff.
Barky, "I growl at everything. I'm going to get my nuts cut off. Ruff.
How about you Rover?"
Rover, "Well, my mistress was getting out of the shower yesterday, I love her *sooo* much. *Ah-Rooo*. Seeing her n**..., bent over drying her foot, well, I jumped on. "
The other two - "So you're getting you nuts cut off too?"
Rover, "h**... no! I'm getting my nails trimmed."
Today, my wife was told by the pediatrician that our 18 month old son isn't talking much because he doesn't want to.
I could've told her that.
Tom Hanks was recently quoted talking about how much he disliked one of Stephen King's novels.
T. Hanks: I hate It.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.
Lawyer: "Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?"
Woman: "if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I'm not cooking for him for three days straight."
Lawyer: "Well is he beating you?"
Woman: "Him? I'd throw him through the window, with my left hand only"
Lawyer: "How about being faithful?"
Women: "That's where we get him! The second child is not from him."