Talks Jokes
130 talks jokes and hilarious talks puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about talks that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A deep dive into the art of ted talks. Get ready to explore the power of humor and how it can be used to build relationships, negotiate agreements, and even gain the attention of a large audience. Learn how to use jokes to tell a story, discuss a concept, and create an emotional connection.
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Funniest Talks Short Jokes
Short talks jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The talks humour may include short talked jokes also.
- Girls who talks about girls' problems are great. But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.
- How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They only *talk* about change.
- My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution Could this be a red flag?
- Ever wonder how a Jehovah's Witness spreads their word during Covid? Now that you're here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
- My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids. - Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem. Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!
Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity. - A girl once told me, If you lost about 50 pounds you'd be cute I told her, if I lost 50 pounds I'd be talking to your friends!
- a man is chopping down a tree the tree says Wait, i'm a talking tree
the man proceeds chopping down the tree and says and you will dialogue. - A man goes on a date Friend: 'How did your date go?'
Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'
Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'
Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1' - I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today... Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
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Talks One Liners
Which talks one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with talks? I can suggest the ones about chats and topic talk.
- How do you talk with a COVID denier with an Ouija board
- My deaf girlfriend just told me, We need to talk. That is not a good sign.
- Someone told me I'm condescending That means I talk down to people.
- If you talk to a spanish speaker make sure to say "mucho" It means a lot to them.
- My daughter just lost her first tooth! That'll teach her to talk back.
- I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth Now when I talk, I have this weird axe scent
- I hate people who talk behind my back. They discussed me.
- Light travels faster than sound! That's why some people appear bright until they talk.
- I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth... and now I talk with a strange Axe scent.
- Why do women talk less in february? Cause there's only 28 days
- Talking to my X: Hey, what's up? Talking to my Y:
?
p
u
s
'
t
a
h
w
,
y
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H - When i was born I was so mad at my parents I didn't talk to them for two years
- My family treats me like a god They only talk to me when they want something.
- I think my cats are communists They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.
- I haven't talked to my wife for 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
Talks So Much Jokes
Here is a list of funny talks so much jokes and even better talks so much puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was talking to my grandfather When he said
"your generation relies too much on technology"
I then said
" no grandpa yours does"
Then I unplugged his life support. - There has been much said and sung about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one ever talks about the other four letters? The Tea of the tiger was quite a refreshing and pleasant event!
- I am a chemist and my wife says I talk about my work way too much I promised I'd only do it Periodically from now on
- I told my dad that I have an imaginary girlfriend. Dad: "You could do much better."
Me: "Thanks dad"
Dad: "I was talking to your girlfriend." - Beer has female hormones Whenever I am drinking I talk too much and can't drive a car.
- You can tell the speed of light is much faster than the speed of sound. Some people appear bright until you hear them talk.
- I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers. I nearly fell out of my tree.
- Me: Mom, meet my girlfriend. Mom: Are you sure about this? You deserve better!
Me: But Mom, I love her so much…
Mom: I was talking to her… - A physics student was standing on top of a building, threatening to jump I tried to talk him out of it, because he had so much potential.
- what do you call a support group for people who talk too much? On and on Anon
Ted Talks Jokes
Here is a list of funny ted talks jokes and even better ted talks puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How I Met Your Mother... ... is the longest and most popular Ted talk.
- Some people call the men's room "the john"... I call it "the jim". That way, I can tell people I go to the jim every day.
Thank you for listening to my TED Talk. - Knock knock Who's there
Axolotl
Axolotl who?
you sure do Axolotl questions.
Thank you for coming to my Ted talk. - What's the world's longest Ted Talk? How I Met Your Mother
- Danson, Turner, Mosby, Knight, Williams, Bundy, Raimi, Cruz… Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
- That awkward moment when... ... you realise the entire run of "How I Met Your Mother" was one big Ted talk!
- I just gave my first Ted talk about south paw sign language. The audience was left speechless.
- 'How I Met Your Mother'- is definitely The longest TED talk ever!
- I lost the script I was gonna use for my TED Talk. I'm speechless.
- I named my dog Ted Each of our training sessions are called Ted talks
Hilarious Talks Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about talks you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean speak jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make talks pranks.
Jesus' greatest miracle that no one talks about..
Having 12 best friends in his 30's.
A new doctor was going on rounds at the asylum...
A new doctor was going on rounds at the asylum. He talks to one man and asked him, "Who are you?".
The patient replied,"I, sir, am Napoleon".
"How do you know you are Napoleon," asks the Doctor.
"God told me," and a voice from the next bed shouted out "I did not!"
A penguin talks his snowmobile in to get fixed.
The mechanic takes a look at it and says "looks like you blew a seal." penguin replies "no, that's just frosting on my lip."
How do you know an engineer is an extrovert?
He stares at *your* shoes while he talks to you.
When a man talks dirty to a woman...
The man is charged for s**... harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, He's also charged $3.95 per minute.
A Detective is in a room questioning a suspect
After a while, he comes out of the room and talks to the police sergeant there with him, "Well, I've asked him just about every question in the book. 'Where were you last night?', 'What were you doing?', 'Who were you with?', everything."
The sergeant asks, "Well have you gotten a confession out of him?"
The detective says, "Not exactly. He keeps saying 'Yes dear' and dozing off."
A man and his wife have four beautiful daughters
They decide they want one more child. Sure enough, nine months later they have a fifth. Overjoyed when he can finally see it, the man looks at it in the nursery of the hospital, and it is the ugliest child he has ever seen in his life. He talks to his wife and says, "There is no way that child is mine! We have four beautiful daughters! Have you been cheating on me?"
She says "Not this time, honey."
A man's father has just passed...
The son is arranging the f**... and talks to the mortician about his father's remains. He says "I know we don't have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can".
A week after the f**..., the mortician presents the son with a bill for $50. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another $50 bill from the mortician. He pays that as well.
A week later low and behold a third bills comes to the son for $50. The son calls the mortician and says "The f**... was 3 weeks ago, why am I still getting this $50 bill?" "You wanted the best for your father", the mortician says, "so I rented him a tux".
My Friend Told Me His Girlfriend Talks a lot in Her Sleep..
..Apparently "I Know" wasn't the right answer.
A drunk guy enters a Catholic church
A drunk guy enters a Catholic church. He stumbles along, talks with the statues and finally enters the confessional where he sits down quietly on the chair. The priest patiently waits for him then coughs a bit but he gets no reaction. He waits a little while longer and knocks in the wall, finally drawing the drunk's attention:
-Stop the knocking, fool, there's no toilet paper in here either!
I know someone who talks like an owl
Yo momma so fat...
Yo momma so fat when she talks to herself its a long distance call.
My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2
He never talks about it.
How do you know if Helen Keller just m**...?
She spits when she talks.
Everyone talks about how May 4th is 100% hands down the best Star Wars holiday ever....
But only a fifth May deal in absolutes..
People say Money talks...
But all mine says is Goodbye.
Husband talks to a rabbi.
A husband goes to talk to a rabbi about how his wife is trying to make him consume poison. The rabbi shows concern and tells the husband, "don't worry I'll talk to her". The next day the husband and the rabbi meet together, and the rabbi informs the husband of the meeting with his wife. "I saw your wife - I talked to her for 3 hours! Take the poison!"
An old man walks into a library and talks to the librarian
Old Man: Excuse me miss, can I have a chesseburger and fries please?
Librarian: SIR! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE YOU ARE? THIS IS A LIBRARY!
Old Man: O, well, (whispers) *can I have a cheeseburger and fries please?*
How does a 49er fan change a light bulb?
He doesn't he just talks about how great it use to be
How many friendzoned guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. He talks to it for hours and hours but is disappointed when it doesn't screw.
A blonde woman walks into a library
A blonde woman walks into a library and talks to the lady at the front desk and says " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."
The lady replies "Ma'am, this is a library."
The blonde looks around, then whispers " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."
(Credit goes to my dad for this one. He had another one that I can't remember but once I do I'm coming back to post it)
A dad joke with which we can all sympathize
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should get the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in union, "Okay, dad. You get the toy."
What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian?
One talks with their hands and makes goofy noises at random volumes, and the other can't hear.
A Koala walks into a bar...
So he sits down and after a while of chatting with the barkeep he starts to notice a girl eyeing him from across the bar. So he goes and talks to her and after some flirting they decide to go upstairs
So they go upstairs and get into the 69 position and when its all said and done the koala goes to leave, but the girl says "Hey, where's my money?" Appalled he says "What do you mean?" She replies by telling him to look up the definition of p**... in the dictionary. He does so and it reads 'One who does s**... acts for money.' He then tells her to look up the definition of koala in the dictionary. She does this and it reads "small, tree dwelling marsupial that eats bush and leaves."
An old man is walking in the hospital...
An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!
Everyone is surprised when I tell them I've never seen the movie fight club
I don't see what the big deal is. No one really talks about it.
If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's s**... harassment.
If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute.
My girlfriend treats me like God
She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
A boy talks to his mother about what he hopes to become.
The boy said, "Mom? I have something to tell you"
"Go ahead", the mother said. "I promise not to laugh."
*The boy wanted to be a comedian.*
So a radio talks to another radio
Over.
A Texan cowboy was walking down the road
When a little old lady walked up to him and asked, "Are you one of those cowboys every body talks about?"
"Why yes ma'am I am." He replied
"The ones who ride around on horses and herd cattle?" She continued.
"Yes ma'am I am."
"The kind who ties up those calves and brands them?" She inquired
"Yes ma'am I am"
Obviously displeased she scowled at him and said "Well you ought to be hung!"
The cowboy smiled and replied,
"Yes ma'am I am."
Money talks
But all mine ever says is good-bye.
No one ever talks about Peter Pans brother.
Peter Pots
You know I think Fight Club is pretty underrated.
Nobody talks about it these days
I told myself I should stop drinking...
But I'm not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
At the Bee Prom...
A young bee nervously flies around hoping to grab a dance with the queen bee. Finally he musters up the courage and talks to her. She looks at him and says "I'll dance with you if you get me some fruit punch"
Excited, the bee zooms to get the punch. He sees the line for nachos, the ice cream machine, the honey line, but after hours of searching he realizes...
There is no punch line
What do you call it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$5.99 per minute.
My English teacher had part of his intestines removed
Now all he ever talks about is his semicolon
I tell myself I should cut back on my drinking
but I am not gonna listen to a drunk who talks to his self
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore...
He's irrelephant
I told myself I needed to cut down on drinking...
..but then who would take advice from an alchoholic who talks to himself??
Interviewer: your resume says you're very literal
Me: my resume talks??
A Man Talks to god
Man : You gave me youth, you took it
Man : You gave me nice black hair, you took it
Man : You gave me wife
God : Well..?
Man : Oh, just reminding you.
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"
The five kids answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."
Why I avoid talks about sexuality with my dad.
Me: " There are genes that effect the likelihood of someone being gay."
Dad: " Ya, especially the tight ones."
Ronald Reagan got into hot water for telling this joke at the S.A.L.T. talks
Russian citizen goes to the Volga car dealership to buy his first car . Dealer says ''that'll be 20,000 Rubles , and we'll deliver it to you TEN YEARS FROM TODAY''. Man asks ''Morning or afternoon?'' Dealer says ''What's the difference , it's ten years from today''. Man says ''Well , the plumber is scheduled for that morning.''
A panda walks in a bar and asks the bartender if he knew any p**... around so he points to this lady sitting afar so he goes over and talks to her and both of them head to a motel... After they finish she asks him
"Arent you going to pay me?" The panda was surprised and asked her why... She told him to look up p**... and it clearly said (has s**... in exchange for money) the panda laughed and told her to look up panda and it said "eats bush and leaves"
North Korea just announced it will host peace talks...
Between the United States and Canada.
A geman goes to the french border
A german goes to the french border and talks to an customs agent.
Agent: "Occupation?"
German: "Not today"
It's a funny thing, when you talk to God, you're religious
but when he talks to you, you're a psycopath
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck.
It needs more time to cook!
The multiple times I talk to God it's called praying
But the one time God talks back to me I'm labeled as a schizophrenic
a lady visits her husband in a prison
A lady visits her husband in a prison. After talking to him she talks to a prison administrator:
"Shouldn't my husband be treated better? All this hard work he has to do!"
"What hard work?" asks the administrator "he's a librarian here."
"Well," replies the lady, "he was telling me something about digging a tunnel every night..."
Yo mamma is so......
Nice, I highly value the talks we've had.
I'm just milking it now.
Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
I tell myself everyday that I should stop doing drugs.
But I'm not listening to a w**... who is high all the time and talks to himself.
When I drink alcohol, everyone calls me alcoholic
But when I drink fanta nobody calls me
Or texts me.
Or talks to me.
I am so alone please help.
No dog owner talks to their pet in a normal voice
*No they don't, oh no they don't*
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado-
Son: I'm adopted?!
Mother: No, you're adorable
Son: *sniffs* Thanks, mom
Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
What do you call a carrot that talks back to you?
A fresh vegetable.
An artist talks to his curator about his recent sales
Artist: "So? Did I sell anything?"
Curator: "You won't believe this: a man came by and asked if the value of the paintings will rise after the artist's death. I told him that I think so. So he bought the entire gallery.
Artist: "Wow! That's great! who was he?"
Curator: "It was your doctor."
Being a taxi driver is boring, nobody ever talks to me. And when they can be bothered to talk, all they say is
"Hang on a minute, I don't live in the woods".
My wife has a problem, she talks during s**...
Last week at midnight she called me from the hotel
When you talk to God, you're praying...
When God talks to you, you're a schizophrenic.
Staying at a house that talks.
In a manor of speaking.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...
It's a furry, cuz ducks shouldn't be talking
I've quit my job at the helium factory.
Nobody talks to me like that!
A man talks to a pilot
The man asks "what made you become a pilot?"
The pilot responds with "I had to defy my biggest fear"
"Heights?" The man says.
"No, dying alone," says the pilot.
Three brothers and the lights
Three brothers are arguing about whom will turn the lights off. The first orders the second, and the second orders the third to turn the lights off. In the end they agreed if someone talks he'd turn the lights off.
Days past and the neighbours are starting to get worried about them so they decided to break in. They found the three brothers all dead!
The neighbours saddened by their lost bury the brothers next together. But the third brother starts to shout that he isn't dead and the other two tell him to go turn the lights off.
Lenin is on his deathbed
He got Stalin by his side. He talks to Stalin:
-Joseph, I am not sure if you are the right person to rule this country. I don't know if our people will follow you.
Stalin responds:
-Don't worry Vladimir; half of our people will follow me, and the other half will follow you!
Everyone always talks about what a genius Albert Einstein was.
They never mention what a monster his brother Frank was.
There's this really smart kid in my class.
He doesn't take any notes though, and prefers to rest his eyes while the teacher talks. If he suddenly opens his eyes, the teacher knows they said something wrong.
I like to rest my eyes during class too. If I suddenly open my eyes, the teacher knows class is over.
How many Karen's does it take to hang a picture.
1, if she talks for long enough the picture will hang itself.
Studies show that cows produce more milk...
when the farmer talks to them.
It's a case of "in one ear, and out the udder".
A man talks to a doctor
Man: Doc, I'm afraid of flashbacks
Doctor: So when did this all start?
Man: AAAAHHHHHHHHH
Zelensky has massive b**..., so how do you get them from Kyiv to the border for the peace talks?
Ukraine them
JUST ANNOUNCED: Disney in talks of a Star Wars - Back to the Future crossover where Marty flies so far back in time (long, long ago) that he fuses with his car
He becomes the ManDeLorean
Fact: No dog owner talks to their pet in a normal voice.
No they don't, oh no they don't...
Pope and Bill Clinton die on the same day
Pope and Bill Clinton die on the same day. Due to a bureaucratic mistake, Pope goes to h**..., Bill Clinton goes to heaven but they correct the mistake after a short time. On their way to opposite sides Bill Clinton and Pope run into each other and start a conversation. Pope talks about how much he wants to meet v**... Mary and Bill Clinton goes
-You missed that chance by 10 minutes
My wife is like a box of chocolates
She never talks to me.
Stalin goes to a village on a trip
He talks to the people there for a while and then leaves.
After leaving the village, Stalin can't seem to find his pipe.
"One of the villagers must have stolen it!" a KGB agent said "Don't worry Comrade Stalin, I'll find out who"
The KGB agent returns to the village.
A while later, Stalin finds out the pipe was in a different pocket. He goes back to the village to tell the KGB agent that it was just a misunderstanding.
The KGB agent replies: "What a shame! Most of them already confessed!"
