Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Talking Jokes
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids.
My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution
Could this be a red flag?
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, Wait! I'm a talking tree!
The lumberjack laughed and said, And you will dialogue.
My wife is turning 32 soon...
I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.
What are you talking about? she asked.
I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
A boy and his dad are talking.
"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
2 Guys in a Bar
2 guys in a bar.
John: "I have s**... with my wife once a month"
Jack: "We do it twice a week"
John: "But Jack, you're not even married!"
Jack: "Oh, I thought we were talking about your wife"
So God's getting ready to go on vaction...
And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'
2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen
There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.
My dog, Grandpa
The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.
That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:
Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.
I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.
Grandpa pooped in the living room again.
I had to put grandpa down today.
Grandpa ran away again.
I caught Grandpa h**... my friend's leg again.
And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.
A wife says to her husband
... "I don't like you pushing me around all the time and talking behind my back"
Husband say "Well honey what do you expect you're in a wheelchair"
You can explore talking talk reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean talking talk to the hand dad jokes. There are also talking puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Bill Gates Goes Fishing
Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.
"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.
Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.
The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"
Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"
I was talking to my grandfather
When he said
"your generation relies too much on technology"
I then said
" no grandpa yours does"
Then I unplugged his life support.
I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...
She's still not talking to me :(
A horse walks into a bar
A horse walks into a bar and says "bartender, scotch on the rocks please!"
The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "did.. did you just talk?!"
"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse
"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replied "why? Are they short on electricians?"
Two women in a shared cell were in the prison for 15yrs. When they were freed...
...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.
Letter from 7 to 6
Dear 6,
Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty n**... things together.
Sincerely,
7
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much...
What a s**... thing to Fallout 4.
My wife asked me
My wife asked me to pass her lipbalm & I gave her superglue by mistake.
She's still not talking to me
Two kids talking.
One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'?
The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook.
What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..
He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.
John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'fuck.'
What the make love is she talking about?
I went to a party last night...
..and everyone was watching a movie on the TV. I being introverted, hadn't talked with anyone and was watching movie by myself. When the movie ended, everyone was debating on what to watch next.
I decided to put on the movie I had brought from home. It was pretty funny and had Jim Carrey in it.
Everyone really like it. People started talking to me and thanking me for the movie. No one cared who I was until I put on The Mask.
Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009...
They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.
Two kids were talking...
Kid 1: I bet you're a v**...
Kid 2: I was a v**..., until last night!
Kid 1: Lies!
Kid 2: Ask your sister.
Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!
Kid 2: You will in about nine months!
I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now
We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick.
I accidentally gave her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
A girl I met on tinder said "don't even bother talking to me if your height starts with 5"
Jokes on her, I'm 4'11
The German dream
The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."
I was having a beer with the wife last night, when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you more than anything on earth!"
She said, "I bet that's the beer talking, isn't it?"
I said, "No, it's me talking to the beer!"
My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.
I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"
Female hormones in a beer
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
I was talking to a girl in a bar last night
She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
Three boys were talking after school...
Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."
The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"
The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"
I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...
"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"
"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."
I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."
Two women who are best friends are talking.
"Martha, if I slept with your husband, would we remain friends?"
"No."
"So, we'll be enemies then?
"No."
"What would we be then?
"Even."
Daughter: Mom, I have a new boyfriend, our neighbor Joe. Mom: But he could be your father!
Daughter: Age is not that important to me.
Mom: That's not what I was talking about.
"Say NO to drugs" they say...
I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.
Two women are talking in Heaven
One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."
In space, two aliens are talking to each other very closely
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
A beer bottle, a mirror, and a c**... are all talking to each other....
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
c**...: Hahaha... (c**... walks off laughing)
A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a Tree..
Upon arrival to the tree he started swinging at the tree.
"But, I'm a talking tree" said the tree.
"And you will dialogue" replied the lumberjack.
A girl once told me, If you lost about 50 pounds you'd be cute
I told her, if I lost 50 pounds I'd be talking to your friends!
I got talking to this girl the other day. I asked her her name.
She said, "My name's Batarka."
I said, "That's an unusual name, you don't hear that every day."
To which she replied, "Actually, I do."
*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*
Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better..
Me: But mom, I lov.....
Mom: I was talking to her.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake
She still isn't talking to me
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, Wait! I'm a talking tree
The lumberjack smiled, and you will dialogue .
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the Dwayne Johnson Rule.
I'd never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson? If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, Your chest is epic.
I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures
A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.
I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke
A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.
At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woman goes in the shop and complains to the salesman.
The salesman apologizes and tells the parrot to not say this ever again.
The next day the woman again walks past the pet shop and is happy to see the parrot turned completely silent. Provokingly she slows down. Suddenly the parrot starts screeching:
"I'm not saying anything but you know it!"
a man is chopping down a tree
the tree says Wait, i'm a talking tree
the man proceeds chopping down the tree and says and you will dialogue.
Jane and Erica are talking in heaven
"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."
A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...
"These b**... immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these b**... immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."
His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"
The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own b**... culture. They bring their own food, spit their own b**... languages, try to take over the whole b**... place."
His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"
Son: "Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend!"
Dad: " You know you can do better."
Son: "Oh! Thanks Dad, that means a lot."
Dad: " I was talking to your girlfriend. "
Four catholic ladies are talking about how important there sons are. (Long)
The first one tells her friends my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'
The second Catholic woman chirps, while my son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'
The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle well.....?
She replies, My son is a charismatic, 6'2 , hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, My God.
Talking to my X: Hey, what's up?
Talking to my Y:
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p
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s
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t
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y
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A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...
They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The patrons at the bar are amazed and even the Jedi has to admit it's a nice ride. They both end up saying it's a Good Car. The Mandalorian walks around the corner and after a few minutes comes screaming back on his jet pack and blows up the other cars. He has the Beskar.
A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives.
A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep replied
Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "
The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."
The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay e**... who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."
I think my cats are communists
They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.
A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a m**... are talking about their families.
The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The m**... speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
I told my wife, You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
She said, What do you expect — you're in a wheelchair!
The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
I rang my brothers house....
...and his six year old son, Billy, answered the phone.
"Hey Billy" I said "Is your Dad there?
"Yes" he answered is a whisper. "But he's busy."
"What about your Mum?" I said
"She's busy too", he replied, but again in a whisper I could barely hear.
"What are they doing?" I asked
"They're talking to the policemen" he replied, still in a very faint whisper.
"What are the policemen doing there?" I asked
"Looking for me" he whispered
A man and a woman are talking in the office.
The man says: "I'm so tired from working, I wish I could get a day off."
The woman replies: "Don't worry, I have a way of doing that. Just watch me."
The woman proceeds to hang from a pipe.
Suddenly, the boss walks in a says: "What in the world are you doing?"
The woman replies: "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says: "You must've gone crazy from all that working, you can take the day off."
The woman leaves. The man follows.
The boss asks the man: "Where are you going?"
The man then replies: "I'm going home. I can't work in the dark."
I think my wife is racist.
I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and now my wife isn't talking to me.
Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier.
He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.
A cop walks over to a bruised and beaten man outside of a pub.
He asks the man what happened and the man tells him this; "So I walk into the pub and sit down and as im waiting for my drink I overhear two large women talking with a strange accent. So I ask them 'Are you two ladies from Ireland?' One of them scoffs and tells me "it's Wales d**...." So I ask again 'are you two whales from Ireland?' And thats about all I can remember."
A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."
"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."
"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."
Wine
A gal walks into a bar and orders a bottle of wine. After she downs most of the bottle she tries to get the bartender's attention. "I used to be grapes!" she announces loudly. "What?" the confused bartender asks. "I'm sorry," she apologizes. "That must have been the wine talking."
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."
"Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
My 4 year oldest favourit joke, which he very proudly memorized and told all his teachers.
Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"
Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
When Love Fades......
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, a\*\*hole. I was talking to the cat."
During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"
"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".
"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"
"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over the driveway, dad said 'it's going to take the contagious to pick all that up.
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?
Yeah, the other cow says. Makes me glad I'm a penguin.
100 is a nice round number
The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?
The American: 100, of course
The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?
The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calculate. 62? You crazy Europeans.
The European: Right, gotcha. Thank you! So how many feet in a mile?
The American: Go back to Europe!
I wish that there was a restaurant named I don't care,
so I'd finally know where my girlfriend was talking about.
Two old jews are talking in Odessa.
-What's the news?
-Have you not heard? There is a war!
-who is fighting?
-Russia says it is at war with NATO.
-How's is it going?
-70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing.
-and NATO?
-NATO hasn't shown up yet.
Cr
A Jewish man and a Chinese man were talking.
The Chinese man is proudly telling the Jewish man about his heritage. We can trace our history back for over 3,000 years, he exclaims with pride!
We'll, that's very impressive, replies the Jewish man, but our history goes back for almost 6,000 years!
The Chinese man, after some consideration, says to the Jewish man, Well, that doesn't make any sense. What did you people eat back then?
A man goes before Saint Peter...
Saint Peter asks 'Where were you born?'
The man thinks for a moment and says 'Austria-Hungary, Lemberg.'
'Where did you go to school?'
'Poland, Lwow.'
'Where were you married?'
'The Ukrainian S.S.R., Lviv.'
Surprised, Saint Peter asks 'Where was your first child born?'
'In the German r**....'
'And where did you die?'
'At home in Lvov, in the Soviet Union.'
Astonished, Saint Peter shouts 'My, you moved around a lot!'
'What are you talking about? I never left the city!'
I once told my dad
that I had an imaginary girlfriend.
My dad sighed and said, You know, you could do better.
Thanks, Dad, I said.
My dad shook his head and said, I was talking to your girlfriend.
Venus Williams and Bruno Mars were sitting at a bar talking about where they were from.
The bartender said, "Hey - you two should write a book!"
I have a friend that accuses me of pushing him around and talking behind his back
He is in a wheelchair and we get along quite well.
An old fellow walking down the road and sees a frog sitting in the grass. The frog says...
"Hey there if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman for ya."
The old man picks up the frog and puts it in his shirt pocket and keeps on down the road. About a mile down the road the frog looks up at him and says "Aren't you going to kiss me?"
The old man says "No I don't think so." The frog says"Dont you want a beautiful woman?"
The old man responds "At my age I would rather have a talking frog."
A pig and a chicken are talking on a field.
The chicken says, "Everything is way better with bacon on it!"
The pig says, "Oh really?? Everything?"
The chicken says, "Absolutely!"
So the pig sits on him.
Two guys are talking about what the are got their wives for their birthdays…
…and one of them say he got his wife a five karat Diamond ring.
And his buddy says, That's nice, but I thought she wanted a Lexus?
Yeah, but I didn't know where to buy a fake Lexus.
Three surgeons are talking about their favorite kinds of patients.
"My favorite patients are librarians." says the first surgeon. "They're easy to operate on because their organs are all in alphabetical order."
"My favorite patients are mathematicians." says the second surgeon. "They're easy to operate on because all their organs are numbered."
"My favorite patients are politicians." says the third surgeon. "They're the easiest to operate on because they have no guts, no brains, they're heartless and their heads and buttocks can easily be switched."
Did you hear about the talking scale?
It speaks for the masses.
A daughter and mother are talking.
"You're dating John, the neighbor?!", asks the mother. "He is 30 years older than you, it's-"
"But I love him!", she interrupts.
"What do you mean you love him, he could be your father!"
"I don't care about his age, he loves me too!"
"I think you misunderstood me."
Four Catholic women are talking about their sons while having coffee together
The first woman says My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Father.'
The second says My sons is a bishop. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Grace.'
The third says My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Eminence.'
The fourth just quietly sips her coffee, and the other three give her a well, what about you? type look.
The fourth woman finally says My son is a handsome, 7-foot-tall firefighter. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Oh. My. God.'
A guy overhears two women at the bar talking with an accent
He walks up to them and asks Excuse me, I couldn't help but hear you speak, are you two ladies from Scotland perhaps? .
The women turn toward him and one of them rudely replies it's Wales, dumbass! .
He says Excuse me, are you two whales from Scotland?
