Talking Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution

Could this be a red flag?

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, Wait! I'm a talking tree!

The lumberjack laughed and said, And you will dialogue.

My wife is turning 32 soon...


I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.

What are you talking about? she asked.

I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"


I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

You're coming home now! she screamed.

No, I'm not, I laughed.

She said, I'm talking to the kids.

A boy and his dad are talking.

"Hey Dad."



"Yes son?"



"Did you ever get shot in the army?"



He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;



"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

A girl once told me, If you lost about 50 pounds you'd be cute

I told her, if I lost 50 pounds I'd be talking to your friends!

Two kids were talking...

Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin

Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!

Kid 1: Lies!

Kid 2: Ask your sister.

Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!

Kid 2: You will in about nine months!

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...

I told her not to get her hopes up.
"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"

A girl I met on tinder said "don't even bother talking to me if your height starts with 5"

Jokes on her, I'm 4'11

 

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...

I've told her not to get her hopes up.

"After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

A guy and his girlfriend are talking

Her: Come over.
Him: I'm coming over.
Her: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.

Daughter: Mom, I have a new boyfriend, our neighbor Joe. Mom: But he could be your father!

Daughter: Age is not that important to me.


Mom: That's not what I was talking about.

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

In space, two aliens are talking to each other very closely

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...

She's still not talking to me :(

I was talking to a girl in a bar last night

She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Mom I got a boyfriend!

Daughter: Mom I got a new boyfriend, our neighbour Joe.

Mom: But he could be your father!

Daughter: Age is not that important to me.

Mom: That's not what I was talking about...

Letter from 7 to 6

Dear 6,

Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together.

Sincerely,
7

Three boys were talking after school...

Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."

The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"

The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"

A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

A wife says to her husband

... "I don't like you pushing me around all the time and talking behind my back"

Husband say "Well honey what do you expect you're in a wheelchair"

Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009...

They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.

A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a Tree..

Upon arrival to the tree he started swinging at the tree.
"But, I'm a talking tree" said the tree.
"And you will dialogue" replied the lumberjack.

I got talking to this girl the other day. I asked her her name.

She said, "My name's Batarka."


I said, "That's an unusual name, you don't hear that every day."


To which she replied, "Actually, I do."

My wife is turning 32 soon...

I told her not to get her hopes up.

"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This *is* your thirty-second birthday."

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much...

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

"Say NO to drugs" they say...

I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.

The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake

She still isn't talking to me

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick.

I accidentally gave her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*

Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better..

Me: But mom, I lov.....

Mom: I was talking to her.

Bill Gates Goes Fishing

Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.

"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.

Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.

The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"

Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"

Two women in a shared cell were in the prison for 15yrs. When they were freed...

...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.

My dog, Grandpa

The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.

That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:

Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.

I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.

Grandpa pooped in the living room again.

I had to put grandpa down today.

Grandpa ran away again.

I caught Grandpa humping my friend's leg again.

And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and says "bartender, scotch on the rocks please!"

The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "did.. did you just talk?!"

"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse

"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"

The horse replied "why? Are they short on electricians?"

Two women are talking in Heaven

One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."

I went to a party last night...

..and everyone was watching a movie on the TV. I being introverted, hadn't talked with anyone and was watching movie by myself. When the movie ended, everyone was debating on what to watch next.


I decided to put on the movie I had brought from home. It was pretty funny and had Jim Carrey in it.


Everyone really like it. People started talking to me and thanking me for the movie. No one cared who I was until I put on The Mask.

Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

I was talking to my grandfather

When he said
"your generation relies too much on technology"
I then said
" no grandpa yours does"
Then I unplugged his life support.

I accidentally gave my wife superglue instead of Chapstick

She's still not talking to me.

Two women who are best friends are talking.

"Martha, if I slept with your husband, would we remain friends?"

"No."

"So, we'll be enemies then?

"No."

"What would we be then?

"Even."

My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'fuck.'

What the make love is she talking about?

I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now

We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.

I was having a beer with the wife last night, when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you more than anything on earth!"

She said, "I bet that's the beer talking, isn't it?"

I said, "No, it's me talking to the beer!"

Two kids talking.

One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'?
The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook.

I accidentally gave my wife super glue instead of Chapstick

She's still not talking to me.

2 Guys in a Bar

2 guys in a bar.

John: "I have sex with my wife once a month"

Jack: "We do it twice a week"

John: "But Jack, you're not even married!"

Jack: "Oh, I thought we were talking about your wife"

I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...

"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"

"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."

I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."

My wife asked me

My wife asked me to pass her lipbalm & I gave her superglue by mistake.
She's still not talking to me

So God's getting ready to go on vaction...

And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'

The German dream

The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."

Two married man talking..

1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.

2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.

Two wind turbines are talking to each other...

One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?"

The other turbine replies, "Well...I'm a big metal fan."

Doctor's visit

Doctor: It's bad news, Jim.

Jim: What is it, doc?

Doctor: You have to stop masturbating.

Jim: Oh god...why?

Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.

2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen

There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.

Did you know that light travels faster than sound?

That's why some people look bright until they start talking.

A blonde and a brunette are talking about their boyfriends' dandruff problems

The brunette says, my boyfriend used to have dandruff, but I gave him Head and Shoulders and it went away in a few days

The blonde thinks for a minute and then replies, how do you give shoulders?

Talking about Genders is a lot like the World Trade centers.

There were 2 of them now it's a sensitive subject.

A man drunkenly walks into his wife's room...

He loudly proclaims, "I have no idea how I could live without you!"

Flustered, the wife asks, "Is that you talking or the whiskey talking?"

"It's me talking to the whiskey."

Eyes

Two men are sitting in a bar, talking to eachother. One asks the other if he ever looks his wife in the eyes while making love. "I did once" the other responds, "But I saw a lot of anger in her eyes". The first, looking confused: "Why was that?"

"Because she was looking from outside through the window!"

A mommy mole, daddy mole, and baby mole are together in their burrow

Mommy mole sticks her head out and sniffs the air. She asks, "What's that smell? Is it brown sugar?"

Daddy mole sticks his head out to sniff around, "No I don't think so. Smells like vanilla to me."

The baby mole still in the burrow says "I don't know what you guys are talking about. All I can smell is molasses!"

A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke

Dog: Tell me a joke

Man: Don't be silly, you're a dog

Dog: Oh, go on

Man: You're a dog, you won't understand

Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese

Man: OK. Knock Knock

Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….

So there were two larger girls at the bar...

I went to the bar and overheard two heavy girls talking with an odd accent.

I asked them, 'Are you two ladies from Scotland?'

One turned to me and said, 'It's Wales, you idiot!'

'Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?'

I overheard two of my friends talking about me the other day...

I said "you disgust me"

"Yes, we did" they replied.

A solar panel is talking to a wind turbine...

The solar panel says, "So what do you think about this whole renewable energy thing?"
The turbine replies, "I'm a big fan."

When talking about opinions on border control, Remember:

Lefty loosey
Righty tighty

"Are you coming over?" "Yes, I'm coming over."

"We should probably stop talking using the radios, over."

God is talking with the presidents.

God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"

Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"

"Very well," says God. "Come sit to my right."


Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"

Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."

"Good, says God. "You shall sit to my left."


Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"


Trump replies: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)

Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon.

Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."

Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."

David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Playing Scrabble is like talking to women...

You spend the whole time looking at the rack trying to form words.

A blonde was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriends dandruff problem...

The redhead says "why don't you give him head and shoulders."

The blonde replies "how do you give shoulders?"

My wife asked me to pass her lip balm, instead, I gave her super glue by mistake.

She's still not talking to me...

Police talking on the radio...

* Sergeant, we've arrived at the scene.
* So, what's the situation?
* A woman killed her husband. There were 35 stab wounds, two gunshot wounds, and after decapitating him, she finally burned his body.
* Wow, what was the reason she gave for the crime?
* He stepped where she was cleaning the floor.
* Did you manage to capture the woman?
* No, Sergeant. We are waiting for the floor to dry ...

Did you hear the one about the Seahawk who wouldn't stop talking?

He kept beating a dead horse.

A baby is born

And to the surprise of everybody, after a few minutes, he starts talking.
"I was born to live 3 days" he says
"my mother will die in 6 days and my father in 14 days"
After 3 days the baby dies. After 6 days it is the mother to pass away. The father becomes histerical. He knows he is next. He sells all his possessions, spends all his money.
14 days later his neighbour dies.

I just bumped into a mannequin and said sorry. Then I said "Oh I thought you were a person".

Then I realized I was still talking to a mannequin...

Two cows were talking in a field..

One said to the other, "Have you heard about that mad cow disease?" The other says, "Yeah, good thing we're penguins".

Wife: Why do you keep talking about my weight behind my back?

Husband: Because when I get round to the front I've forgotten what I was going to say

My wife left me

According to her, she is sick of me talking behind her back and pushing her around.

In my defence, she's in a wheelchair.

A Jewish man was talking to a Hindu man

Jew: Yeah, so in my religion we only believe in one God.

Hindu: No way!

Jew: Yahweh

Got my wife with the greatest dadjoke yet

She was talking about something and I got the rare chance to interrupt her by saying "Hi leaving and taking the kids due to these stupid jokes, I'm dad!"

A joke from WWII

A German soldier is talking to a Swiss soldier:

"How many soldiers could Switzerland mobilize if we were to invade?"

"Half a million within two days."

"And if we invade with a million troops?"

"We shoot twice and go home."

So a college teacher is talking to his male students...

"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."

Suddenly, a student in the back raises his hand and asks:

"How much for a semester pass?"

What are the funniest talking jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Talking? Well, here are the best Talking puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Talking pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes