Talking Dog Jokes

There were three women. a brown headed a brunette and a blonde. they were talking then they started talking about s**.... The brown headed one said i'm gonna have 3 baby's. The brunette said she was gonna have twins. And the blonde started crying and the other two women asked her what was wrong. And the blonde said she was gonna have baby dogs because she had s**... d**...!

I got pulled over by a police officer and his dog sniffs for drugs.

He comes over and says to me, "My dog says you have w**... in the car." I responded, "Well I don't know about that, but I want whatever got you talking to the dog!"

One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.

When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, “See the doggy?”
Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, “See the baby?”

When people won't talk to me, it doesn't bother me.

When a dog won't let me pet them, man, that really hurts.

Boy arrives home from school and wails: Mum, everyone says I'm too hairy.

Mum yells to her husband: Honey, the dog is talking!!

Blowing chunks

Two guys are talking and one asks the other, "Hey, you wanna go drinking later, I just got promoted?"
The other replies, "Thanks, but I can't."
"Aw, come one why not?"
"Cause last time I went drinking, I blew chunks."
"That's normal, people v**... after drinking all the time."
"No, you don't understand; Chunks is my dog."

There was an old woman walking her dog

A man came up to her and said that's an ugly pig.
The woman replied "Sir, that's not a pig."
The man said "I was talking to the dog!"

Some guys are talking about pets...

They get to talking about how good big dogs are because they can make good guard dogs.
One of the guys says "I preferred my old chihuahua pebbles better. And no other dog made me feel safer! He died killing a rabid full grown doberman for me!"
The other guys are confused and ask how that was even possible.
"The doberman choked to death."

A man with a dog and a cat walks into a bar...

The man, the dog, and the cat all sit down at the bar and the bartender says "What can I get you?" The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says I'll take a v**..., the guy will take a water, and the cat will take a scotch." The bartender looks absolutely shocked at the dog and says "This is AMAZING! You're a dog that can talk..." The guy looks at the bartender, and says "Don't be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist."

A dog goes into a hardware store...

...and says: I'd like a job please . The hardware store owner says: We don't hire talking dogs, why don't you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a plumber .
-Steven Alan Green

Little Johnny saw two dogs having s**... in the park...

... so he asks his mother what's going on.
The mom isn't ready to have "that talk" yet, so she makes up a story. "Well, Johnny," she says, "the d**... in the back hurt its front paws, so the one in the front is helping him get home."
Johnny thinks about that for a moment and then says, "Wow, so dogs are just like people, aren't they?"
The mom is puzzled by that. "What do you mean, Johnny?"
"Well," says Johnnie, "you try to help someone and you just end up getting s**...."

So i was talking to my friend who's a dyslexic philosopher

And he says to me "You know what, recently i've been wondering if there really is a dog"

PIGS

A woman is walking her dog, when suddenly a man walks up to her.
Man: "Where'd you get the pig"?
Woman: "How DARE you call my dog that!"
Man: "I was talking to the dog!"

A cowboy is riding his horse in the desert...

next to them his dog is running along. Suddenly the dog says:"I'm so hot right now. I cant take it anymore". The surprised cowboy looked at the dog and said: "Wow!I didn't know dogs could talk". Then suddenly the horse says: "Neither did I!!"

A man is talking to his mate about his dog...

Man: My dog loves Snow Patrol songs!
His mate: Really?
Man: Yeah, he loves Chasing Cars.

A Cop and His Trained Dog Stop me on a Sidewalk

The dog sniffs around me for a bit and barks to the officer.
The officer walks up to me and says, "Where are the drugs? The dog says he could smell them off you."
I reply, "Drugs? What drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."

Why are dogs and engineers alike ?

They both have intelligent eyes, but neither can talk properly.

Two sheep are talking

- It seems to me that a man and a dog are working together.
- If you don't drop your ridiculous conspiracy theories the whole herd will laugh at you.

A man walks into a bar with his dog and cat.

Bartender asks, "What can I get you?"
The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says, "I'll have a v**..., the man will have a water, and the cat will have a scotch."
The bewildered bartender looks at the dog and says, "This is AMAZING! You're a talking dog..."
The man looks at the bartender and says, "Don't be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist."

My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away.

That's a bit far-fetched.

I had a w**... last night about dogs...

Talk about coming in my boxers.

A man went to see a shrink

He entered the room and remained standing by the door.
"I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said.
"Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem".
"No, i can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa"

A Job Wanted

A dog walks into a job centre, goes up to the woman at the desk and says, 'Good afternoon, miss. I'm looking for work.'
The woman looks up, amazed, and says, 'Good heavens, a talking dog! Er... well, let's try the circus in town. I'll give them a ring.'
The dog says, 'The circus? What on earth would the circus do with a computer programmer?'

A golden retriever walks into a bar

Stop reading if you heard this one before. The dog sits at the bar, locks eyes with the bartender and wearily says "One beer, one shot, please."
The bartender says "Holy moly! A talking dog! You should be in the circus, buddy!"
The goldie says "Why? Do they need an electrician?"

What did the Buddhist Monk say to the Hot Dog Vendor?

"Make me one with everything"
(assuming he would be able to talk in the first place)

A man goes to the doctor

and says "Doc, I beleive I am a dog"
Doctor says "Okay, well sit on the couch and we'll talk about it."
Man says "I'm not allowed on the couch."

A dog comes back to life

His owner says: "how's it been"
The dog says "bark"
Dogs can't talk

A guy sees a woman walking her dog...

Guy : Wow I didn't know you could walk a cow !
Woman : I'm sorry but this is a dog.
Guy : Yes I know, I was talking to the dog.

I think I understand the dog better when I'm really high...

It doesn't really talk to me otherwise.

I was stopped by a Korean p**... in the park last night. She smiled and said, "I'll eat you for breakfast, you handsome thing."

I still don't know whether she was talking to me or my dog.

A horse, traveling salesman, atom, termite, and talking dog walked into a bar.

The bartender said "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me

"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her mother."

Two men are talking when...

One asks, "Oh yeah, what'd you do with your dog after he died?"
The other replies, "We got 'im stuffed."
"Oh, so like taxidermy?"
"No, Thanksgiving."

A dog walks into a bar.

A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink?"
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Sure, the toilet's right around the corner."

An italian, an Irishman, a German, a talking dog,

a lesbian, a cowboy, the pope, a gambling midget, the president, and a ten inch pianist all walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at all of them and says:
"What is this, a joke?"

There might be something to this idea that vaccinations cause autism. I don't have kids...

But my dog is nearly five and she's still not talking.

Three women walk into a bar and are talking about how loose they are,

The first one fits a hot dog, the second a cucumber and the last one slides down the bar stool.

The speaker at the podium was talking about preserving pure blood lines and AK-"something or other."

Not sure if it was a dog show or a k**... recruiting rally.

I make a living by sending my talking dog out to the streets to beg for change.

Today, he's come home empty handed. I asked why, but all he says is, "ruff ruff, grrrRRrRrrrr".
I don't get it, he was talking when I sent him out this morning and now he makes no cents.

I was at work

And saw a lady walking her dog, I said hey that's a nice pig! She responds this is a dog! I told her I was talking to the dog.

A horse, a man, a talking dog and a twelve-inch pianist all walk into a bar

The barman says: "Is this meant to be some kind of joke?"

"You never talk to me anymore, you treat me like I'm a dog barking"

"Oh, you were talking? I thought a dog was barking."

I'm a bit of a wizard when it comes to talking to animals.

I have a dog called woof. I asked him it's name, and it said woof. I have a cat called meow, because it said meow when I asked her name. And I have a parrot called Whatsyourname.

A man sits in his appartment with his dog

He then looks at it and says,
Man: if you could talk, i'd rich
The dog then looks at him
Dog: no one Will believe you

I saw my neighbour talking to her cat

Clearly she thought It could understand her, I went home and told my Dog. We had a good laugh!!

A man walks into a talent agency with his dog claiming it can talk. The agent says, ok, let's see if this dog is gonna make us rich . The guy says, Fido, what's the top of a house called ? Roof! What's on a tree ? Bark! How does sandpaper feel ? Ruff!

The talent agent tells the man off and kicks him out of his office. As the man and the dog are walking down the street the dog looks up at the man and says, Gee Bob, maybe you should have asked some harder questions .

A man is watching tv with his dog.

He looks at it and says.
Man: I wish you could talk, then I could make a ton of money.
Dog: No one will believe you...

A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke

Dog: Tell me a joke
Man: Don't be silly, you're a dog
Dog: Oh, go on
Man: You're a dog, you won't understand
Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese
Man: OK. Knock Knock
Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….

A German shepherd walks into a bar

and says Hey, I'm a talking dog. Other dogs can do tricks, but have you ever heard one talk? How about a drink for a dog who's articulate and erudite?"
The bartender says, Sure, the toilet's there, first door on the right.

My buddy, who's a blacksmith, won't stop talking about how awesome his new dog is.

Apparently, as soon as he got him, he made a bolt for the door.

The dog says, "Gimme a beer."

The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"

A nun, a horse, a duck, a Mexican, a blonde, a lesbian, an Irishman, Celine Dion, a rabbi, a talking frog, a three-legged dog, a blind man, and a guy walk into a bar...

...The bartender looks up and says, "Is this a joke?"

A Native American boy talks to his father,

Boy: Dad, why is my sister called 'Running Water'?
Father: Son, in our family we have a tradition. When our child is born we name them after the first thing we see in nature. Your sister was born next to a stream.
Boy: Oh ok. So my brother is called 'Soaring Eagle' because when he was born you saw a flying eagle?
Father: Yes that's correct. Hopefully you understand now 'Two Dogs f**...'.