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Talking Dog Jokes

128 talking dog jokes and hilarious talking dog puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about talking dog that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Talking Dog Short Jokes

Short talking dog jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The talking dog humour may include short talking animal jokes also.

  1. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
    I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
  2. A dog walks into a bar The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"
  3. My wife thinks the dog can talk to her and that every bark is a word. My family asked what it was like and I said: It's rough
  4. I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.
  5. "You treat me like a dog," said my wife.... "We need to sit and talk about it right now," she continued.
    "Ok," I replied, "but not on the sofa."
  6. A police officer with a drug dog approaches a man and says, "this dog tells me you're on drugs…" To which the man responds, "I'm on drugs?!? You're the only talking to a dog!"
  7. Two Dogs talking. Dog one: Why are all of the humans wearing muzzles?
    Dog two: Because they broke the rules and didn't sit and stay....
  8. TIL that cows, pigs, and dogs can actually talk! It was my first time watching "The View".
  9. I don't mind being back on my meds... I just think it's sad that at the same time all the dogs in the neighbourhood stopped talking to me.
  10. Talking to cats This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
    I came into my house and told my dog... we laughed a lot.

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Talking Dog One Liners

Which talking dog one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with talking dog? I can suggest the ones about talking cat and barking dog.

  1. No dog owner talks to their pet in a normal voice *No they don't, oh no they don't*
  2. Policeman: My dog tells me you're on drugs. Me: You're the one with the talking dog!
  3. What's even more impressive than a talking dog ? A spelling bee!
  4. What's cooler than a talking dog? A spelling bee.
  5. My dog has a creepy obsession with trees All he ever does is talk about their skin
  6. What is more amazing than a talking dog? A spelling bee!
  7. I named my dog Ted Each of our training sessions are called Ted talks
  8. what would a dog say if he could talk? please stop jerking off with me in the room
  9. What do you call a dog that can't talk? A malamute.
  10. I used to talk to my cat, but I stopped, because my dog told me I was crazy.
  11. Daddy, why am I so hairy? Hooney... The dog is talking to me!
  12. Talking Dog Continues Silent Protest Amid Doubts Upcoming TED Talk Now Questionable
  13. Headline: Talking Dog Continues Silent Protest Amid Doubts
  14. I own the world only talking dog... but he only talks about outer layers of trees.
  15. My best friend won't talk to me. It's because he is a dog.

Comical Talking Dog Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land

What funny jokes about talking dog you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kids dog jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make talking dog pranks.

There were three women. a brown headed a brunette and a blonde. they were talking then they started talking about s**.... The brown headed one said i'm gonna have 3 baby's. The brunette said she was gonna have twins. And the blonde started crying and the other two women asked her what was wrong. And the blonde said she was gonna have baby dogs because she had s**... d**...!

I got pulled over by a police officer and his dog sniffs for drugs.

He comes over and says to me, "My dog says you have w**... in the car." I responded, "Well I don't know about that, but I want whatever got you talking to the dog!"

One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.


When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, “See the doggy?”
Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, “See the baby?”

When people won't talk to me, it doesn't bother me.

When a dog won't let me pet them, man, that really hurts.

Boy arrives home from school and wails: Mum, everyone says I'm too hairy.

Mum yells to her husband: Honey, the dog is talking!!

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm...

...he announces to everyone in the bar that his dog can talk and he will make a $1000 bet with anyone who doesn't believe him. The bartender saw this as a great opportunity so he took the man up on the wager.
The man looks at the dog and says, "What is the top of a house called?" The dog said, "Roof."
Quite annoyed the bartender vented his grief in defeat. "Well, how bout a different word, double or nothing?" the man said. The bartender begrudgingly accepted as the man asked, "Who was the greatest baseball player ever?"
In a muffled response the dog said, "Ruth."
Furious, the bartender grabbed the man and the dog and threw them out the bar. As they landed on the sidewalk, the dog looked at the man with a puzzled look. "DiMaggio?"

Blowing chunks

Two guys are talking and one asks the other, "Hey, you wanna go drinking later, I just got promoted?"
The other replies, "Thanks, but I can't."
"Aw, come one why not?"
"Cause last time I went drinking, I blew chunks."
"That's normal, people v**... after drinking all the time."
"No, you don't understand; Chunks is my dog."

There was an old woman walking her dog

A man came up to her and said that's an ugly pig.
The woman replied "Sir, that's not a pig."
The man said "I was talking to the dog!"

Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...

A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:
"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" Says the dog.
"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
Again, the dog says "Roof!"
"Remarkable! So what do you think?"
The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."
Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"

Gimme a triple shot of Jack

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having s**... with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say?"
The man says, "I told him, BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!"

A man goes into a casting agents office

with his dog. The man says, "My dog can talk, you gotta give us a contract. We'll make millions!"
The agent says "Show me."
The man asks the dog "How does sandpaper feel?"
The Dog says "Rough!"
The man asks "Who is the best baseball player ever?"
The Dog says "Roof!" (babe ruth)
The agent says "Get out of here!" He has his goons throw the man and his dog out the front door.
The dog says "Gee, maybe I should have said DiMaggio"

My dog, Grandpa

The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.
That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:
Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.
I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.
Grandpa pooped in the living room again.
I had to put grandpa down today.
Grandpa ran away again.
I caught Grandpa h**... my friend's leg again.
And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.

Some guys are talking about pets...

They get to talking about how good big dogs are because they can make good guard dogs.
One of the guys says "I preferred my old chihuahua pebbles better. And no other dog made me feel safer! He died killing a rabid full grown doberman for me!"
The other guys are confused and ask how that was even possible.
"The doberman choked to death."

Im on Drugs ?

Tommy is walking out of customs from his trip back from Amsterdam .
He's stopped by a policeman and his sniffer Dog Rufus
*Bark Bark
Officer : Excuse me sir Rufus here is telling me you're on Drugs
Tommy : Im on Drugs ? you're the one talking to a Dog !

A man with a dog and a cat walks into a bar...

The man, the dog, and the cat all sit down at the bar and the bartender says "What can I get you?" The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says I'll take a v**..., the guy will take a water, and the cat will take a scotch." The bartender looks absolutely shocked at the dog and says "This is AMAZING! You're a dog that can talk..." The guy looks at the bartender, and says "Don't be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist."

Two dogs are at the vet talking.

Two dogs are at the vet talking.
Great Dane: So what are you here for?
Poodle: Well I've been wandering around the neighborhood too much lately looking for s**... so they're having me castrated, you?
Great Dane: My mistress does the housework n**..., she was bending over cleaning the vegetable draw in the fridge and I just couldn't help myself so I went for it.
Poodle: So you're here for castration too hey?
Great Dane: No, I'm here to get my claws trimmed.

A dog goes into a hardware store...

...and says: I'd like a job please . The hardware store owner says: We don't hire talking dogs, why don't you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a plumber .
-Steven Alan Green

Little Johnny saw two dogs having s**... in the park...

... so he asks his mother what's going on.
The mom isn't ready to have "that talk" yet, so she makes up a story. "Well, Johnny," she says, "the d**... in the back hurt its front paws, so the one in the front is helping him get home."
Johnny thinks about that for a moment and then says, "Wow, so dogs are just like people, aren't they?"
The mom is puzzled by that. "What do you mean, Johnny?"
"Well," says Johnnie, "you try to help someone and you just end up getting s**...."

So i was talking to my friend who's a dyslexic philosopher

And he says to me "You know what, recently i've been wondering if there really is a dog"

PIGS

A woman is walking her dog, when suddenly a man walks up to her.
Man: "Where'd you get the pig"?
Woman: "How DARE you call my dog that!"
Man: "I was talking to the dog!"

A cowboy is riding his horse in the desert...

next to them his dog is running along. Suddenly the dog says:"I'm so hot right now. I cant take it anymore". The surprised cowboy looked at the dog and said: "Wow!I didn't know dogs could talk". Then suddenly the horse says: "Neither did I!!"

A man is talking to his mate about his dog...

Man: My dog loves Snow Patrol songs!
His mate: Really?
Man: Yeah, he loves Chasing Cars.

A Cop and His Trained Dog Stop me on a Sidewalk

The dog sniffs around me for a bit and barks to the officer.
The officer walks up to me and says, "Where are the drugs? The dog says he could smell them off you."
I reply, "Drugs? What drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."

Why are dogs and engineers alike ?

They both have intelligent eyes, but neither can talk properly.

Two sheep are talking

- It seems to me that a man and a dog are working together.
- If you don't drop your ridiculous conspiracy theories the whole herd will laugh at you.

A man walks into a bar with his dog and cat.

Bartender asks, "What can I get you?"
The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says, "I'll have a v**..., the man will have a water, and the cat will have a scotch."
The bewildered bartender looks at the dog and says, "This is AMAZING! You're a talking dog..."
The man looks at the bartender and says, "Don't be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist."

My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away.

That's a bit far-fetched.

I had a w**... last night about dogs...

Talk about coming in my boxers.

A man went to see a shrink

He entered the room and remained standing by the door.
"I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said.
"Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem".
"No, i can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa"

A Job Wanted

A dog walks into a job centre, goes up to the woman at the desk and says, 'Good afternoon, miss. I'm looking for work.'
The woman looks up, amazed, and says, 'Good heavens, a talking dog! Er... well, let's try the circus in town. I'll give them a ring.'
The dog says, 'The circus? What on earth would the circus do with a computer programmer?'

A golden retriever walks into a bar

Stop reading if you heard this one before. The dog sits at the bar, locks eyes with the bartender and wearily says "One beer, one shot, please."
The bartender says "Holy moly! A talking dog! You should be in the circus, buddy!"
The goldie says "Why? Do they need an electrician?"

What did the Buddhist Monk say to the Hot Dog Vendor?

"Make me one with everything"
(assuming he would be able to talk in the first place)

A man goes to the doctor

and says "Doc, I beleive I am a dog"
Doctor says "Okay, well sit on the couch and we'll talk about it."
Man says "I'm not allowed on the couch."

A dog comes back to life

His owner says: "how's it been"
The dog says "bark"
Dogs can't talk

A guy sees a woman walking her dog...

Guy : Wow I didn't know you could walk a cow !
Woman : I'm sorry but this is a dog.
Guy : Yes I know, I was talking to the dog.

I think I understand the dog better when I'm really high...

It doesn't really talk to me otherwise.

I was stopped by a Korean p**... in the park last night. She smiled and said, "I'll eat you for breakfast, you handsome thing."

I still don't know whether she was talking to me or my dog.

A horse, traveling salesman, atom, termite, and talking dog walked into a bar.

The bartender said "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me

"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her mother."

Two men are talking when...

One asks, "Oh yeah, what'd you do with your dog after he died?"
The other replies, "We got 'im stuffed."
"Oh, so like taxidermy?"
"No, Thanksgiving."

Bob didn't believe that Fred's dog could talk

So Fred asked his dog, What's on top of a house?
Roof, the dog barked.
Bob wasn't convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels.
Rough.
He still wasn't convinced.
O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time? Fred asked the dog.
Ruth.
With that, Bob walked away, shaking his head in disbelief. The dog turned to Fred and asked: Was it Hank Aaron?

Mom's unintentional dirty joke

One night my brother and I were talking to my mom about how my brothers dog is always on the couch.
Mom: "You need to teach your dog to stay off the furniture when you're here with her, your dad will agree."
Brother: "Dad was the first one to let her get on the couch."
Me: "Wow dad is getting soft in his old age."
Mom: "Oh whatever your father is always soft when you boys aren't around."
Layers of unintentional dirtyness

A dog walks into a bar.

A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink?"
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Sure, the toilet's right around the corner."

An italian, an Irishman, a German, a talking dog,

a lesbian, a cowboy, the pope, a gambling midget, the president, and a ten inch pianist all walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at all of them and says:
"What is this, a joke?"

There might be something to this idea that vaccinations cause autism. I don't have kids...

But my dog is nearly five and she's still not talking.

Three women walk into a bar and are talking about how loose they are,

The first one fits a hot dog, the second a cucumber and the last one slides down the bar stool.

The speaker at the podium was talking about preserving pure blood lines and AK-"something or other."

Not sure if it was a dog show or a k**... recruiting rally.

I make a living by sending my talking dog out to the streets to beg for change.

Today, he's come home empty handed. I asked why, but all he says is, "ruff ruff, grrrRRrRrrrr".
I don't get it, he was talking when I sent him out this morning and now he makes no cents.

I was at work

And saw a lady walking her dog, I said hey that's a nice pig! She responds this is a dog! I told her I was talking to the dog.

Boy do i have an act for you! A talking dog!

"a talking dog? This I gotta see! You have one minute, so make it good, kid!"
"Rex, what's on top of a building?"
"ROOF!"
"What? You kidding me? He just says woof, any dog can do that."
"How about this? Rex, who's the greatest baseball player ever?"
"RUTH!"
"That's it, kid, you're wasting my time, get that fleabag out of my office!"
As they walked out of the building Rex looked over to his master and said "Well, kid, that's show business."

A horse, a man, a talking dog and a twelve-inch pianist all walk into a bar

The barman says: "Is this meant to be some kind of joke?"

"You never talk to me anymore, you treat me like I'm a dog barking"

"Oh, you were talking? I thought a dog was barking."

I'm a bit of a wizard when it comes to talking to animals.

I have a dog called woof. I asked him it's name, and it said woof. I have a cat called meow, because it said meow when I asked her name. And I have a parrot called Whatsyourname.

A man sits in his appartment with his dog

He then looks at it and says,
Man: if you could talk, i'd rich
The dog then looks at him
Dog: no one Will believe you

I saw my neighbour talking to her cat

Clearly she thought It could understand her, I went home and told my Dog. We had a good laugh!!

A man walks into a talent agency with his dog claiming it can talk. The agent says, ok, let's see if this dog is gonna make us rich . The guy says, Fido, what's the top of a house called ? Roof! What's on a tree ? Bark! How does sandpaper feel ? Ruff!

The talent agent tells the man off and kicks him out of his office. As the man and the dog are walking down the street the dog looks up at the man and says, Gee Bob, maybe you should have asked some harder questions .

A man is watching tv with his dog.

He looks at it and says.
Man: I wish you could talk, then I could make a ton of money.
Dog: No one will believe you...

A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke

Dog: Tell me a joke
Man: Don't be silly, you're a dog
Dog: Oh, go on
Man: You're a dog, you won't understand
Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese
Man: OK. Knock Knock
Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….

A German shepherd walks into a bar

and says Hey, I'm a talking dog. Other dogs can do tricks, but have you ever heard one talk? How about a drink for a dog who's articulate and erudite?"
The bartender says, Sure, the toilet's there, first door on the right.

My buddy, who's a blacksmith, won't stop talking about how awesome his new dog is.

Apparently, as soon as he got him, he made a bolt for the door.

The dog says, "Gimme a beer."

The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"

A nun, a horse, a duck, a Mexican, a blonde, a lesbian, an Irishman, Celine Dion, a rabbi, a talking frog, a three-legged dog, a blind man, and a guy walk into a bar...

...The bartender looks up and says, "Is this a joke?"

A Native American boy talks to his father,

Boy: Dad, why is my sister called 'Running Water'?
Father: Son, in our family we have a tradition. When our child is born we name them after the first thing we see in nature. Your sister was born next to a stream.
Boy: Oh ok. So my brother is called 'Soaring Eagle' because when he was born you saw a flying eagle?
Father: Yes that's correct. Hopefully you understand now 'Two Dogs f**...'.

jokes about talking dog