Talking Animal Jokes
42 talking animal jokes and hilarious talking animal puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about talking animal that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Talking Animal Short Jokes
Short talking animal jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The talking animal humour may include short talking cat jokes also.
- Two big, strong, grey animals are talking to each other... Animal 1: Hey, you realize we have horns on the top of our heads right?
Animal 2: Rhino - My wife and I were talking about obscure animals. She said, "I want to get a manatee."
"That's very generous," I replied, "no cream, no sugar please hun!" - Dr. Doolittle learned to talk the language of thousands of animals. But not the language of ducks..
They were just too Fowl. - My wife and I were talking about obscure animals. She said, "I want to get a manatee."
"That's very generous," I replied, "I take it with two sugars." - A drunk guy took a cat home to his wife and said: "See... here is the a monkey of the jungle."
His wife said laughing, "That's a CAT ..."
He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!" - fur coat daughter tells mom who wears a fur coat
daughter: did you know that your fur coat is a result of suffering of an animal?
mom: you shouldn't talk about your dad that way - Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A: A bird that will talk your ear off! - On the show Man v.s Wild, when they talk about the profesionals that Bear recieves help from, they are refering to Chuck Norris.
- Question: What do you get when you cross a shark and a parrot?
Answer: a creature that talks your ear off.
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Talking Animal One Liners
Which talking animal one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with talking animal? I can suggest the ones about talking dog and animal sounds.
- I hate it when people talk about their 'spirit animals' It's 2018, you can say fursona.
- What do you call a jungle where animals talk about current events? A topical rainforest.
- I learned how to talk to animals today.. Now they just have to learn to listen
- What do you call someone who can talk to animals during flu season? A hoarse whisperer
- What did the bird say to the turtle? Nothing. Because animals can't talk.
- Who's the laziest doctor at the hospital? ''Doctor Dolittle.''
Talking Animal Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about talking animal you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean animal sound jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make talking animal pranks.
A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog.
He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.” The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.” The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.
He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f*cking'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."
A lady goes into a bar with her goose.
Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"
Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."
And the bartender says, "Excuse me, I was talking to the goose."
A man and a woman are lying in bed, watching the ceiling and keep quiet.
What are they thinking?
The woman thinks, "He keeps quiet.
He doesn’t want to talk.
May be he’s get tired of me.
He doesn’t love me anymore.
He’s probably got someone else.
I see.
We’ll have to separate each other."
The man thinks, "A fly. A fly on the ceiling.
Wow!
How keep it there and don’t fall?"
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
Two cows were talking in the field.
One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn"t it?"
The homeless man and the farmer
A homeless man comes up to a farmers house and knocks on the door, when the farmer answers, the homeless man asks "May i spend the night?" to which the farmer replies, "Sure, but you're going to have to sleep in the stable." So the homeless man agrees and sleeps in the stable with all the animals.
In the morning the farmer comes in and asks "How did you sleep?" and the homeless man says "I slept good. And I talked to your animals too." the farmer says, "Really?"
"Yes, I talked to the chickens," he responded, "and they said that you come in every morning at 4am to collect the eggs."
"Wow," the farmer says, "That's right!"
"I also talked to the cows," the homeless man continued, "And they told me every morning at 5am, you milk them"
"That's amazing!" the farmer responds.
"I also talked to the sheep, and they said-"
"THOSE SHEEP ARE LIARS!!!!"
Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.
(TKZS = a state-run c**... collective farm.)
A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."
The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"
„Cuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.
They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"
„She said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says „Come with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says „Oink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.
„Piggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says „Welcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes „Meeh!
Boss says „Don't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.
a man walks in to an Animation Studio...
and goes to speak to the receptionist. Asking to see the head illustrator, the receptionist points to a swing in the middle of the room, where a man sits. "That is the head of the department, but good luck talking to him", she says. "He's in suspended animation".
An elementary teacher is talking about animals to her students...
Teacher: What does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good. What does the pig give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Great! What does the cow give you?
Kids: Homework!
A woman was trying on her new fur coat.
Her teenage daughter walked up to her and said.
"Mother, do you realize that this coat is the result of the suffering of a poor, defenseless animal?"
The woman looked strictly at her daughter.
"Young lady, don't you dare talk about your father like that."
A man is standing at the office water cooler...
...Talking animatedly telling his coworker he found that his girlfriend was poking holes in his condoms. He elbows the other guy and says "luckily I found out years ago I'm sterile, really dodged a bullet there."
The other guy scoffs "is it really dodging bullets if you're shooting blanks?"
I'm a bit of a wizard when it comes to talking to animals.
I have a dog called woof. I asked him it's name, and it said woof. I have a cat called meow, because it said meow when I asked her name. And I have a parrot called Whatsyourname.
Adam was feeling a bit lonely in the garden of Eden
"Hey, God. I'm bored! I'm lonely, I have no one to talk to
The animals are great and all, but I need someone to share all of this with"
"Very well, I shall create for you the perfect companion.
a **woman**!
She will be smart, will make you laugh, she will love you, and you her for eternity.
But you will have to give up a leg and an arm"
"Uhm......
what can you give me for a rib?"
So all the animals gathered and having a party,
Everybody is drinking and talking and having a good time,
suddenly a chameleon get to the middle of the room, say "check this out" and start changing color of his skin for a minute straight.
Once he done he say "Lets see any of you do the same".
Suddenly octopus appear from the crowd and says:
hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer.
Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore?
Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore?
Me: If you get to know one of your friends harasses women when he sees them alone, does drugs, throws stones at stray animals and laughs at their misery, gets into fights for no reason, abuses his girlfriend and bunks classes, would you still talk to him?
Mom: No way!
Me: Neither will John.
Below is an ad that appeared in The Atalanta Journal.
Single black female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips; cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call this number and ask for Dixie.
(Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever)
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"
I brought my Arabic friend to the zoo to see Llamas for the first time.
Once we got near them I told him which of the animals was a Llama, and then asked if he thought they looked good.
He turned to me with a confused look on his face and said,
We've been talking for a while, why did you just greet me again?
Equally confused, I replied,
I didn't, I just said That's a Llama, Like 'em?
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo
He pestered his parents for days.
Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when
one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"
God is talking to one of His angels.
He asks, "Gabriel, what are the humans doing down there?"
The angel replies, "It seems that they are drinking milk, Lord."
"What sort of milk?" asks God. "I gave them many animals to drink milk from; the cows, the goats..."
"Um...almonds, Lord."
Dog
A salesman drops in to see a business customer. Not a soul is in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stares at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looks up and says, Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job. Incredible! exclaims the man. I can't believe it. Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk! Please don't tell him! pleads the dog. If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone too.
An old Russian joke about recruitment
A wolf is going around in the forest talking to animals
Bear, you are to come at 2pm to my lair to be eaten
Yes, wolf
Fox, you are to come at 2pm to my lair to be eaten
Yes, wolf
Hare, you are to come at 2pm to my lair to be eaten
I don't want to
Very well, crossing the hare out