Talked Jokes
103 talked jokes and hilarious talked puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about talked that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Talked Short Jokes
Short talked jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The talked humour may include short talks jokes also.
- Girls who talks about girls' problems are great. But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.
- How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They only *talk* about change.
- My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution Could this be a red flag?
- Ever wonder how a Jehovah's Witness spreads their word during Covid? Now that you're here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
- My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids. - Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem. Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!
Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity. - A girl once told me, If you lost about 50 pounds you'd be cute I told her, if I lost 50 pounds I'd be talking to your friends!
- a man is chopping down a tree the tree says Wait, i'm a talking tree
the man proceeds chopping down the tree and says and you will dialogue. - A man goes on a date Friend: 'How did your date go?'
Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'
Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'
Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1' - I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today... Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
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Talked One Liners
Which talked one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with talked? I can suggest the ones about talks so much and discussed.
- How do you talk with a COVID denier with an Ouija board
- My deaf girlfriend just told me, We need to talk. That is not a good sign.
- Someone told me I'm condescending That means I talk down to people.
- If you talk to a spanish speaker make sure to say "mucho" It means a lot to them.
- My daughter just lost her first tooth! That'll teach her to talk back.
- I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth Now when I talk, I have this weird axe scent
- I hate people who talk behind my back. They discussed me.
- Light travels faster than sound! That's why some people appear bright until they talk.
- I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth... and now I talk with a strange Axe scent.
- Why do women talk less in february? Cause there's only 28 days
- Talking to my X: Hey, what's up? Talking to my Y:
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H - When i was born I was so mad at my parents I didn't talk to them for two years
- My family treats me like a god They only talk to me when they want something.
- I think my cats are communists They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.
- I haven't talked to my wife for 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Talked Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about talked you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean spoken jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make talked pranks.
My dad first talked to me about s**... when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."
"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."
And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
A DEA agent and a rancher
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"
I walked out of my local shop today...
...and outside was a t**.... Same guy as always, but I'd never talked to him before. As I passed, he said, "Excuse me, I don't suppose you have a spare cigarette I can have?". I looked around, and I was the only person in the vacinity, so I knew he was talking to me. "Sorry mate, I don't smoke." I replied, which is true. He looked disappointed, but then asked hopefully "Any change?", I thought for a second before answering "Nope, still don't smoke."
The homeless man and the farmer
A homeless man comes up to a farmers house and knocks on the door, when the farmer answers, the homeless man asks "May i spend the night?" to which the farmer replies, "Sure, but you're going to have to sleep in the stable." So the homeless man agrees and sleeps in the stable with all the animals.
In the morning the farmer comes in and asks "How did you sleep?" and the homeless man says "I slept good. And I talked to your animals too." the farmer says, "Really?"
"Yes, I talked to the chickens," he responded, "and they said that you come in every morning at 4am to collect the eggs."
"Wow," the farmer says, "That's right!"
"I also talked to the cows," the homeless man continued, "And they told me every morning at 5am, you milk them"
"That's amazing!" the farmer responds.
"I also talked to the sheep, and they said-"
"THOSE SHEEP ARE LIARS!!!!"
My grandfather got his tongue shot off during WWII
He never talked about it.
So, I bumped into this cute g**... the way out of the grocery store...
We talked for a bit and ended up exchanging numbers. I'm trying not to make a big deal about it, but I'm pretty bummed that my insurance rates are going to go up.
We had a big storm on the weekend, we had a b**... and you couldn't go outside. After a while the batteries on my laptop and phone had run out so I read the newspaper and finished my latest book. After that there was nothing to do so I sat down and talked to my wife for an hour or so.
She seems quite nice.
Getting Married!
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.....
The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease...
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?".....
There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'Yes.'"
Women are always impressed when I tell them I work in real estate.
And to think, my friends almost talked me out of becoming a grave digger!
I haven't talked to my wife in 8 months...
I didn't want to interrupt
A man is at the airport. The airline attendant asks the man, "Do you have any baggage?"
He replies, "I haven't talked to my parents in 3 years, I have depression, and I'm still a v**...."
We had a outage at my place this morning...
We had a outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop,
TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it
was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this
also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.
Husband talks to a rabbi.
A husband goes to talk to a rabbi about how his wife is trying to make him consume poison. The rabbi shows concern and tells the husband, "don't worry I'll talk to her". The next day the husband and the rabbi meet together, and the rabbi informs the husband of the meeting with his wife. "I saw your wife - I talked to her for 3 hours! Take the poison!"
Welcome back to /u/JokeExplainBot
I banned on a rule that we had enforced in the past. However, we talked the issue over and were able to reach common ground. Sorry for any trouble this caused.
/u/ElderCunningham
So I talkedto a gender studies graduate the other day.
I told her I wanted a #1 combo with no tomatos or onions.
new job in call center
I got a new job with the local s**... hotline. I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.
At university I was going to join the debating class...
...but someone talked me out of it
Me: "How is it we assume that dinosaurs just roared... They could have talked like us, right?"
Interviewer: "I meant questions about the job..."
Honey, there are broken condoms on the couch
Dear, we've talked about this- call the children by their names
I accidentally called out my mums name during s**...
and my sister hasn't talked to me since.
Apple have talked about their most recent iPhone recently,
The sales team seems to think it was a huge 6s
A Blond goes to work in tears.
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
People who claim to talk to God are so delusional..
I've never talked to any of them.
Husband to wife: "I am impressed, you only talked to your friend on the phone for 20 minutes."
Wife: "Oh, I dialed the wrong number"
I think the girl I just met may be a goddess...
because even though she's never talked to me, later tonight billions will be massacred by my hand in her name.
I went to a party last night...
..and everyone was watching a movie on the TV. I being introverted, hadn't talked with anyone and was watching movie by myself. When the movie ended, everyone was debating on what to watch next.
I decided to put on the movie I had brought from home. It was pretty funny and had Jim Carrey in it.
Everyone really like it. People started talking to me and thanking me for the movie. No one cared who I was until I put on The Mask.
My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.
I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"
I called my wife Genji today
No matter how much she talked she wouldn't get to the point.
Why was Marx bad at dating?
He only talked about seizing the means of production.
I ended up with an older woman at the club last night. She looked olay for a 57 year old.
We drank a bit and talked a while and she asked if I had ever had a Sportman's Double
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter t**...", she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she says tonight's my lucky night.
We went back to her place.
She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
A criminal talked down to me on an escalator today.
He was a condescending con descending.
I don't get what the big deal is with spiders. Why is everyone so scared of them?
I got to know the spider living in the corner of my room. We talked about our dreams and goals, he wants to be a Web designer.
I went on a date with a girl I'd talked to briefly on Facebook.
After a while she said to me -
What's up? You seem disappointed.
Oh nothing, it's just you don't look anything like your profile picture
That's my 12 year old daughter
It's been a long time since anyone talked about the Mandarin Effect
What? What do you mean it's the *Mandela* effect?
I told my friend that I talked to God.
He said, "Pfft...No way."
I said "Yahweh."
I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs
He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.
A Muslim and a Christian had a disagreement in a bar...
...so they talked it over and resolved their differences because they are both Canadians.
I was gonna start a Debate Club
But I got talked out of it
Talked to an atheist today.
Turns out he's part of a Non-Prophet organization.
Remember when you were younger and you'd blow Bubbles?
I talked to him at the circus and he said to call him.
I talked to my Republican parents about immigration.
The conversation really went south.
My wife is so pessimistic! I remembered the stoller, the car seat, AND the diaperbag.
But all she talked about was that I forgot the baby.
My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"
"Sir?" I asked.
"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."
"Yes, sir"
"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!"
"Yes, sir"
"And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!"
"Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one."
I met an Italian with parkinson's.
He talked with a stutter.
Bride
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to f*c**..., mother," the bride-to-be interrupted.
"I want you to teach me your lasagna recipe."
My favorite Mitch Hedberg joke:
I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.
I swear my neighbor is completely crazy! She was walking her dog this morning and talked to it the WHOLE time. She acts like it's a human!
When I got back to my apartment I told my cat all about it. We laughed about it for hours and hours...
Did you know that Jesus had a Honda, but never talked about it?
For I did not speak of my own accord
-John 12:49a
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush.
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. Hello, Bush said. Nice weather we're having, huh? Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.
The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.
Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.
Moses said, The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert.
I accidentally handed my wife a gluestick instead of her chapstick.
She hasn't talked to me since.
Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.
Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it
A man had a 5 year old kid who is still yet to talk.
Then one day the kid talked and said "uncle". Next day his uncle died. A week later he said "aunt". Next day his aunt died. A week later he said "dad". Next day their neighbor died.
I don't understand why mattresses aren't talked about more
Seems like people are really sleeping on them
My wife asked me for Lip balm and I gave her superglue,
She hasn't talked to me since
How to start a cult
1. Claim you have talked to God
2. ???
3. >!Prophet!<
Nobody I talked to thought it was a good idea to rob a bakery
But it was a whisk I was willing to take
Sven: I haven't talked to my wife for 3 days.
Olaf: Well whys that?
Sven: I don't like to interrupt.
Poison
A worried man goes to see his priest.
"Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me."
Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow, then I shall be able to give you some advice."
The following day the man aging comed to his priest who tells him: "Well my son, I have talked to your wife for nearly two hours. My advise to you is: Take the poison"
family who saw mirror for the first time
a guy from a family which had no concept of a mirror one day found a mirror he looked into it and saw a good looking friendly man looking back at him, he took the mirror home and talked to his reflection all day everyday for a couple days his wife and mother got alarmed and one day decided to check the mirror
"is this the ugly b**... my husband has been talking to" the wife said while looking at the mirror
"oh don't worry she is so old she'll die soon" the mother replied
I was going to tell you a joke about peer pressure...
...but my friends talked me out of it.
I haven't talked to my wife in 3 years
I don't like to interrupt people
A mute guy, a deaf guy and a drunk guy walk into a bar...
The mute guy says
What are you guys having to drink?
The deaf guy realizes that the mute just somehow talked and asks him
How come you just spoke if you're mute?
The drunk guy starts to come to his senses about the situation that the supposed deaf guy somehow heard the supposed mute guy. He asks them,
Wait how come you just spoke when you're mute AND he just heard you when he is supposed to be deaf?!?
The bartender says,
Hey who's that drunk guy talking to?
My wife asked why I talked so quietly today, I told her I was afraid mark zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed, I laughed, Siri laughed and Alexa laughed!
-James Franco
Homeless man tells the tale
I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical benefits coverage.
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?
Oh no, nothing like that, he said, because of Coronavirus, I was unexpectedly paroled.
Went on a date with a Zulu girl and we talked for hours
We just clicked.
I was going to join the debating team
but somebody talked me out of it.
Johann Sebastian Bach finds a time machine...
Johann Sebastian Bach finds a finds machine and comes to present time. He walks into a bar and finds a beautiful woman and introduces himself. He asks to buy her a drink, and she says okay, sure. When he gets to the bar he tells the bartender that he actually doesn't have any American money. The woman hears him and scoffs, I knew I shouldn't have talked to your Baroque a**....
British Joke
I remember waking up one morning, and my wife asked me, "Honey, give me the lipstick." I accidentally gave her a glue-stick! She hasn't talked to me since...
Each year, a lawyer takes his holidays at an out of the way, country hotel.
With each visit, he continues his affair with the hotel owner's daughter.
On his visit this year he finds out she has given birth to twin boys.
Why on earth didn't you tell me? said the astonished lawyer.
You know I would have married you and provided for the babies.
The woman replied, That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of b**... in the family than a lawyer".
My ex and her parrot.
My ex had a talking parrot. This large kind with curved beak and multicolored feathers.
That disgusting creature talked all day and night never shutting its mouth!
And the parrot had to listen to all that c**....
My friend owns a bakery that runs off stolen goods
Might go for a visit soon, everyone I've talked to says it's their bread and butter.
A woman named Bechdel talked to her female friend
How's it going? she asked. I'm good. her friend replied. And Bechdel was satisfied.
I quit my job at the Helium factory recently
For I won't tolerate being talked to in that tone of voice.
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo
He pestered his parents for days.
Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when
one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"
Two women died and were waiting at the gates of heaven. They talked to each other.
How did you die?
I froze to death. It was painful and took a long time. And you? How did you die?
A heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating on me and I came home suddenly. He was alone in our bedroom. But I felt his girlfriend was somewhere! So I spend a long time looking for her from the basement to the attic. I got exhausted and had a heart attack.
It's ironic.
What is?
If you had checked the freezer first, we would both still be alive!
A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
I met a girl in the pub
We talked, we laughed, we drank.
We got each other's phone number. We left the pub, said bye to each other. It was late at night, so I told her to call me when she got home.
It's been a week now, I never got a call from her...
She must be a homeless
A man giving a long-winded speech finally says,….
"I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the crowd says, "There's a calendar behind you."
I told my doctor I wanted to get a vasectomy. He said well now, that's a big decision. Have you talked about this with your family?
I said yeah, and they're in favor 14-3.
Don't do it !!!
I talked a girl out of jumping off a bridge yesterday. I spent 3.5 hours talking her out of it quietly and calmly.
She seemed pretty grateful afterwards but the guy running the bungie jump looked **very** angry.
