The Best 90 Talk Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Talk jokes. There are some talk talk to the hand jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these talk meet puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Talk Jokes and Puns
Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.
But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They only *talk* about change.
Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem.
Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!
Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.
A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder
They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:
"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"
and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been born black"
A man goes to his Rabbi
"Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"
"Very interesting," says the Rabbi. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."
A few hours later the Rabbi calls the man up.
"I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says.
"What should I do?" the man asked.
"Take the poison."
Jehova
This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."
Somebody told me I was condescending today.
Since you probably don't know what that means, its when you talk down to people.
Doctor: I have the results of your test. You're gonna have to stop masturbating.
Me: Oh no! Why doctor?"
Doctor: Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting.
Robin Williams' Favorite Joke
Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''
He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"
Someone told me I'm condescending
That means I talk down to people.
I quit drugs, and it made everyone happy.
Except for my lamp. It won't talk to me anymore.
You can explore talk father reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean talk family table talk dad jokes. There are also talk puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I was talking to my grandfather
When he said
"your generation relies too much on technology"
I then said
" no grandpa yours does"
Then I unplugged his life support.
My landlord wanted to come talk to me about the high heating bill
I told him, "My door is always open".
A horse walks into a bar
A horse walks into a bar and says "bartender, scotch on the rocks please!"
The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "did.. did you just talk?!"
"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse
"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replied "why? Are they short on electricians?"
I think my girlfriend has a trigonometry fetish
because every time I talk to her she gets off on a tangent.
Egyptian alcoholics are the hardest to talk to.....
They are always in denial.
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.
Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic?
Mom: Of course not.
Son: Well neither would he.
My family treats me like a god
They only talk to me when they want something.
The Wisdom of an Older Man
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a pretty woman, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''
I haven't talked to my wife for 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.
My daughter just lost her first tooth!
That'll teach her to talk back.
The little black jewish boy...
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black? The dad replies, Why do you want to know, son? Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!
What do the twin towers and genders have in common?
There used to be two and now it's too offensive to talk about.
My gf told me to stop being childish, she just wants to come in for a talk
not my fault she cant remember the password to my pillow fortress
Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?
Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?
Mom: No, Never!
Son: Well neither would he!
A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.
"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.
"What?" says the woman.
I hate people who talk behind my back.
They discussed me.
In the middle of a really messy divorce, I decided suicide was the only option.
I just need to talk her into it now.
A lot of people say I'm condescending...
(That means I talk down to people)
Looking for his wife...
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?
Why?
Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.
A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.
"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
People treat me like a god...
They don't talk to me unless they want something.
Since I'm going away to college, my Dad sat me down to have a talk.
He said OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.
I said It's ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.
He's said No - anti-depressants.
Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009...
They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.
I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now
We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.
When talking about opinions on border control, Remember:
Lefty loosey
Righty tighty
There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God
and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."
God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"
The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."
The First Rule of Fight Club...
... Is to not talk about fight club.
The second rule of fight club...
Please keep your seat belt on at all times when the light is on.
My son lost his first tooth today.
That will teach him to talk back...
I'm not that into threesomes
If I wanted to disappoint 2 people at once, I'd just talk to my parents.
Why do women talk less in february?
Cause there's only 28 days
TIL lions perform oral sex on each other.
Talk about swallowing your pride.
Parents have "the talk" with their 7 year old son.
Mom: 'Finn, your father and I have decided to have a talk about sex.'
Finn: 'Okay, what do you want to know?'
A dog walks into a bar
The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"
I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that suicide is the only way out…
Now all I need to do is talk her into it…
Talking about Genders is a lot like the World Trade centers.
There were 2 of them now it's a sensitive subject.
When i was born I was so mad at my parents
I didn't talk to them for two years
Light travels faster than sound!
That's why some people appear bright until they talk.
I was talking to a girl in a bar last night
She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
A man has lost his wife in a supermarket...
And while looking for her, he sees a stunning brunette. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?
Why?
Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.
What one word really makes a woman open up and want to talk about everything on their mind?
"Goodnight."
The first rule about Thesaurus club is
that you do not talk, speak, prattle, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, articulate, babble, describe, divulge, drone, confer, deliberate, squeal, or converse about Thesaurus Club.
I hate it when people talk and eat loud in the cinema.
Like shutup, I'm trying to film a movie here!
James Bond is laid off
James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant
"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "
My girlfriend is always stealing my shirts and sweaters,
but when I borrow a dress suddenly we "need to talk."
Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke
(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?
I got talking to this girl the other day. I asked her her name.
She said, "My name's Batarka."
I said, "That's an unusual name, you don't hear that every day."
To which she replied, "Actually, I do."
A student receives a bad grade on his exam
And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly.
He says to the teacher "I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"
The teacher sighs and says "ok, I'll take another look at your exam".
The student comes home, and his mother asks him "so how did the exam go?". He replies: "the teacher thought it was remarkable!'
Why did the stingray have a chat with the scuba diver?
He wanted to have a manta-man talk
(I'm so sorry)
All this talk of trade wars...
It's just Tariffying
I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.
I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?
She replies: Why?
I say: You will see in 20 seconds.
So I was showing my friends the first floor of my house
When one of them said "What's upstairs?"
I told him that the stairs don't talk.
My friend was thinking of getting a labrador.
I had to talk him out of it: "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?!?"
A Jewish Black kid walks up to his dad and asks if he is more Black than Jewish.
"Why son?" The dad asks.
"Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and I was wondering if I should talk him down to $30 or just steal it."
A man's in-laws are causing him severe stress....
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way.
A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked.
"Yep! They're finally dead."
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the Dwayne Johnson Rule.
I'd never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson? If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, Your chest is epic.
A man approached a very beautiful woman
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Ever wonder how a Jehovah's Witness spreads their word during Covid?
Now that you're here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth...
and now I talk with a strange Axe scent.
An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor.
The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."
That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"
He hears nothing so he moves a little closer; about 20 feet away. He asks her again, "What's for dinner?" Still nothing.
Finally, he gets right next to her and asks, "What's for dinner?"
She finally hears him and responds "For the third time, chicken!"
Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...
A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."
"Good morning." She replies.
"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.
"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.
"Excellent trade, Ma'am."
Cardi B's sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly
They call her 'Cagey B'
My deaf girlfriend just told me, We need to talk.
That is not a good sign.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk, I have this weird axe scent
Two pieces of Road walk into a bar
They order two large beers and talk loudly, they are the toughest pieces of road in the building.
15 minutes later, a small piece of pavement walks through and asks for a small orange juice. When the roads see him, they move into the corner and stay quiet.
The bartender notices this and goes over to them and says I thought you two were the toughest they come, why are you scared of that small, quiet guy? They respond with:
You should be careful with him, He's a Cycle Path
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Talking to my X: Hey, what's up?
Talking to my Y:
?
p
u
s
'
t
a
h
w
,
y
e
H
How do you talk with a COVID denier
with an Ouija board
*Phone rings at work*
Boss: Why don't you answer it?
Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.
Boss: ANSWER IT GODDAMMIT!
Me: 911, what's the emergency?
Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally.
Me: When the hell did my resume learn to talk?
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Potentially funny joke
One day I went to the pet store and picked up some bird seeds. Then, as I was standing in line to purchase them, the cashier was trying to make some small talk with me and I asked, "So how long does it take for the birds to actually grow?" I wonder why she looked at me funny?
Why don't trees talk?
They don't like to dialogue.
Where do you go to get a new spine?
Talk to the guy in the back alley.
My friend loves to talk about their new skin lotion.
He just keeps rubbing it in.
Why is it so hard to talk to rich criminals?
Because they never finish their sentences.
Why dont people from abusive families report the violence?
Because first rule of fight club is not to talk about the fight club
What's better than a talking dog?
A spelling bee
What's better than a spelling bee?
A navy seal
The IRS
Do you know what the difference is between my wife and the IRS? The IRS wants to talk to me.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the talk quiet jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working talk converse piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.