taking Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious taking stories

What are the best Taking puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Taking? Well here is a complete list of Taking to have fun with:

(NSFW) A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".


A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.

I thought, fuck me, I might win this


A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".


(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it


A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.

No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.


My son came home as I was taking his door off it's hinges and asked Dad what are you doing?

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island...

He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...

One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.

But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him.
And she noticed... "Whats wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...

She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...

- "Really?, youll do anything id like?"

- "yes" she said "anything!"

- "ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"

- "ok..."

- "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"

- "wha... ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly.

- "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"

she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat.

- "Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"

- "ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.

- "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited...

She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!"


I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn

Doesnt cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night


My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.

She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"


A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?


Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills


Closest Shave Ever

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."


I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"

My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.

It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.


A nun was sitting in the bath....

....when there was a knock on the door.

Oh no, she thought. I can't let anyone in here while I'm taking a bath. "Who is it?" she called out in trepidation.

"It's the blind man," came the reply.

Well, I suppose if it's a blind man there's no harm letting him in, thought the nun, and she told the man to come in.

A man in overalls walked in holding a tape measure and wearing a tool belt. "Nice tits love," he said. "Where do you want your blind?"


A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"

The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"

The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"


A woman is taking a bath...

She hears a knock on the door. Behind the door a man says "it's the blind man, can I come in?". She decides to answer the door without getting dressed because what the hell. She opens the door, the man says "nice tits, where do you want these blinds?".


Two guys are walking down a dark alley

when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.

They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."


How do you make a racing snail faster?

I tried taking his shell off but it only made him more sluggish.


Three brothers eating soup

A mom has three sons and she's making them soup, While she's not looking a cupboard above the stove opens and a box of beebee's falls in the soup. She keeps cooking, serves them lunch and they go back outside to play. Ten minutes later the first boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later the second boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later, the oldest boy comes in and the mom says 'Let me guess, you were taking a pee and a beebee came out?' He says 'No, I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'


A stranger and two penguins.

A man was walking down the street with two penguins following behind him. A police man sees this, thinks it's a bit strange, pulls over and says to the guy.

Cop 'hey, where did you get those two penguins from'?

Guy 'they aren't mine, they have just been following me all day'.

Cop 'those are exotic animals. Do me a favour take them both up to the zoo'.

The man agrees he will. The next day the cop is driving down the same street and he sees the same guy, still with two penguins following behind him. He pulls over again and says.

Cop 'hey! I thought I told you yesterday to take those two penguins to the zoo'!

Guy 'I did. I'm taking them to the cinema today'.


Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,

Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.


Black guy and a white girl hook up.

A black guy and a white girl meet at a bar and go back to her house. They start fooling around and he begins taking his pants off. She stops him and says "is it true what they say about black guys"? He says " yes. Yes it is" then stabs her and takes her purse.


Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."


My wife asked me if I ever peed while in shower.

I said yes, few times, accidently... She said that's so gross and asked wtf does accidently means? I said well that's the way it goes when taking a shit sometimes.


I'm considering taking a position to translate old Mongolian poetry

The job has its prose and Khans


Golf lessons

A young woman has been taking golf lessons. She has just started playing her first round of golf when she suffers a bee sting. The pain is so intense she decides to return to the clubhouse.
Her golf pro sees her come into the clubhouse and asks, "why are you back so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee"

"where?" he asks.

"between the first and second hole," she replies.

He nods knowingly and says, "apparently your stance is too wide."


Scale of Justice

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."


A wife takes her husband to a Strip Club

A wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday...
At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Johnny, How are You?"
The wife asks, "How does he know you?
Johnny says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."
Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Johnny?"
Johnny says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team."
Next a stripper Says, "Hi Johnny! Do You Crave the Special Again??"
The wife storms out dragging Johnny with her & jumps into a taxi...
The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Johnny Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."


Offensive NFL joke. Trigger Warning: Terrorism/World Trade Centre/Religious, anybody who is offended do not open this link

I'm really worried about Tim Tebow taking over the QB position. The last time anybody that religious had control of the Jets 9/11 happened


Number 7

Mark dreams number 7.

He wakes up, looks at his watch: it was 7:07.

He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007.

Decided it was a sign he's taking the bus 77.

Arrive at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 7 from the 7th race.

The horse comes seventh.


I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss...

.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."

"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."


I've been taking something for my Kleptomania.

I've been taking something for my


Some guy walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and fries, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"
"Fuck off you cunt," he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.


A blonde is taking money out of an ATM,

when the blonde behind her in line says, "Ha! Ha! I know your password. It's four asterisks."

The first blonde replies, "Ha! Ha! No it's not. It's 3862."


Two boys were walking in the forest...

... and they came across the most beautiful women taking a bath in a hot spring. Upon seeing this, one boy took of running, and the other went after him. When he caught up to the other he asked "Why did you run off?". To this the other replied "Well, my mom told me that if I ever saw a naked women I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard!"


my first day in prison...

On my first day in prison I was taking a shower when I noticed a bar of Dove lying on the floor.

Some big black guy said, "Hey, where's the soap?"

I said, "I'll be fucked if I know."


A man is taking his son to buy his first car...

The son spots an old, used cop car at one of the lots. "Dad! I want that! It would be so cool! Can I test drive the cop car?" The father replies: "No, son. I want your car to have working turn signals and an accurate speedometer."


My brother's doctor says he can no longer play
video games, and he's taking it very hard

He's inconsolable


Why's it taking so long to legalise gay marriage in the whole of the US?

I mean, America had four fathers and it turned out alright


The dirtiest joke I've ever heard, as told by my father.

So there were these two gay guys taking a shower. Just as things were starting to get sexy again, the phone rings in the living room. One of them hops out of the shower, and says

"Alright, I don't want you to mess around and cum before I get back! ;)", to which the other replies "I won't."

So he goes and answers the phone, it turned out to be a wrong number. So he comes straight back to the shower. When he opens up the curtains, there is semen *everywhere!* It's dripping from the faucet, and running down the curtains!

"I thought I told you not to mess around and cum you silly fag!"

"Ugh, you idiot. I didn't cum! I just farted."


Why did the Limestone feel unappreciated?

Because he thought people were taking him for granite.


A corporate ladder...

is much like a tree full of monkeys. They're all trying to climb to the top and taking shits on the people below them. But more so, the monkeys on top look down and see nothing but shitheads and the ones on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.


First-year med-students in their first anatomy class...

It is the first day of medical school, and the doctor in charge of the new class has all the new students gather in the main lecture hall for the orientation. Taking his place in front of the group, he starts his speech.

"In order to succeed in the world of medicine, you must first master two things" he says, scanning his eyes across the room.

"The first: you must be completely comfortable with anything on, in, or around the human body" and with this utterance dramatically whips the sheet off of a cadaver that has been laid face down on the table in front of him. He then, to the amazement of the medical students gathered in front of him proceeds to shove a finger into the cadavers anus, pulls the finger out, and then puts a finger into his mouth.

"To impress upon you how important this is, I will now require that all of you form a line, walk up to the cadaver, and then do precisely as I have just done. Any person who find themselves unwilling to attempt this will automatically fail the program. If you don't think that you can handle it, the door is over there". After a minute of shocked murmuring, the students make their decision. A handful head to the door but the large majority of them form a line and proceed to mimic their instructor.

After the students have finished and sat down, the doctor continues with his speech. "The second thing that you must master is this: pay attention to each and every detail, let none escape your notice. Needless to say, all of you have a great deal of work to do in this. I am appalled that not a single, solitary one of you noticed that I stuck my index finger into the cadaver's rectum, but my middle finger into my mouth".


Devoted wife

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

"When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

"You know what? "

"What, dear? " his wife asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck. "


Why did President Kennedy never get drunk?

He wasn't very good at taking shots.


how do you know that adam and eve were white

have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man


I need a new car..

The one I have keeps taking me to work.


An old man in tears

A young man taking a walk in a park comes across an elderly man sitting on a bench in tears. Touched by the poor man's sorrow, he kindly asks, "Please sir, why are you crying?"

The old man replies, "I have a beautiful 21 year old wife who makes love to me every night!"

Confused, the young man replies, "I still don't understand why you're crying."

The elderly man sobs, "I forgot where I live."


A man asks a janitor in his office...

"Hey, don't you get tired being just a janitor?"

The janitor is taken aback. "Excuse me, let me tell you that even if I'm just a janitor, I have a kid each in Harvard, MIT, and Princeton."

"Wow," the man is surprised, "what courses are they taking?"

"Nah, they're janitors too."



A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".



You've read some of the best taking jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty taking gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

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