The Best 86 Taking Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Taking jokes. There are some taking gravestones jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these taking taking a poop puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Taking Jokes and Puns

Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.

No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.

My son came home as I was taking his door off it's hinges and asked Dad what are you doing?



We've updated our privacy policy

Two guys are walking down a dark alley

when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.

They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

jokes about taking

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills


How do you make a racing snail faster?

I tried taking his shell off but it only made him more sluggish.

Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."

Taking joke, Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"

My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.

It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.

Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,

Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.

My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.

She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"

Black guy and a white girl hook up.

A black guy and a white girl meet at a bar and go back to her house. They start fooling around and he begins taking his pants off. She stops him and says "is it true what they say about black guys"? He says " yes. Yes it is" then stabs her and takes her purse.

You can explore taking taking a picture reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean taking risks dad jokes. There are also taking puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients

I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.

I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.

Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

The Millenium Falcon is taking off...

Han Solo asks C3PO to give him a countdown, and C3PO says..

"10....8.....6.....4"

Han interrupts him and asks what the heck he's doing.

C3 says "You told me to never tell you the odds"

Taking joke, The Millenium Falcon is taking off...

A black guy and a white girl hookup at a club...

And after a while of dancing and drinks both were getting eager to get under the sheets. They drive back to the girls place and just as the guy was taking out his package, the girl asked "is it true about what they say about black guys?" And he whispered in her ear "you bet it is", he then continued to stab her 5 times and steal her purse.

A man from out of town walks into a bar...

he sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" The man looks up at the meat. "Nah" He says. "The steaks are too high.

You know the times have changed...

When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.


The history of the condom.

In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first condom using a sheeps lower intestine.

In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.

~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms.

In the 15th century the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In the 18th century the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

- Keep your back straight

- knees bent.

- Feet shoulder width apart.

- Form a loose Grip

- keep your head down

- avoid a quick backswing

- stay out of the water

- try not to hit anybody

- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you

- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others

- be quite when others are about to go

- keep strokes to a minimum

I stole a stripper's kid.

It was like taking baby from a Candi.

Dad: When you turn 18, I'm taking you to the strip club.

Teen: Of course not dad!

Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it's time for you to start bringing money to the house.

No, I'm not addicted to taking batteries out of clocks.

I can stop at any time I want.

Taking joke, No, I'm not addicted to taking batteries out of clocks.

My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments.

Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.

I asked my date if she'd ever done drugs.

"No," she said, taking a sip of her water.

I said, "Well, you have now."

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo jokes died suddenly yesterday.

His wife is taking it really hard.


My sister sat on my glasses and broke them...

I suppose it's my fault for not taking them off first

A Russian goes to a watchmaker.

He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."

I'm 30 days clean now

Taking a shower every day was hard, it's a good thing I had meth to get me through it

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.

It was breath taking.


I have a fear of elevators...

...but I'm taking steps to avoid it.

Making jokes about Trump taking us to war is all fun and games until

You realize you're a healthy young man

I'm taking my wife for skydiving.

So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.

A man died due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle

He had serious selfie steam issues.

I'm deathly afraid of elevators

I'm gonna start taking steps to avoid them

Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

I've been clean for 45 days now

It's been tough taking a shower everyday, but at least I have the heroin to help me get throught it.

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Β 
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
Β 
The clerk said, Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!
Β 
The man said, Yes, that's the one.Β  Do you have it in paperback?

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."

So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.

"Call who back?"

In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

I can't believe I got fired just for taking a day off.

I am never working for a calendar company again.

Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office

Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

Give a man an egg and he'll eat for a day

Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you're taking science too far.

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man's truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?

The man replied, These are my penguins. They belong to me.

You need to take them to the zoo, the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo! the officer said.

I did, the man replied. And today I'm taking them to the beach.

18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!

Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight.

18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that.

Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.

I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

I'm thinking of donating my body to science

It's taking up too much space in the freezer.

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.

A man named Jeff was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of Jeff's truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?



Jeff replied, These are my penguins. They belong to me.



You need to take them to the zoo, the policeman said.



The next day, the officer saw Jeff driving down the road once again. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo! the officer said.



I did, Jeff replied. And today I'm taking them to the beach."

A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

A Russian dude enters a bar wearing a tshirt saying, "Turks got 3 problems."

Obvious repost

As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.

Turks: you come in our country and have the balls to insult us.

Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.

Turks: Let's get him outside.

Russian: that's your second problem. you wanna solve everything with violence.

*They gets outside of the bar and Turks starts taking their knives out*

Russian: that's your third problem. you bring knives to a gunfight.

I bought a world map for my wife, and gave her a dart. I said, "Where ever this lands, that's where I am taking you after this pandemic is over."

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

A college engineering student shows up with a new bike

"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.

"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.

His friend replied "Good choice bro the clothes probably didn't even fit you"

The creator of sexual innuendos just passed away

His wife is taking it really hard

A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.

As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says I think it's raining. No, it is definitely snowing. Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says let's not bicker, let's ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially snowing or raining. They walked up to their tour guide, and ask Comrade Rudolph, would you kindly tell us if it is snowing or raining? It is raining of course! He replies. The husband turns to the wife and says See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!

As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.

We know our results months in advance!

I can't believe how everybody's freaking out over that guy stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium.

He was clearly just taking a political stand.

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a Boris is doing his best t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she's been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!

I'm curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

My mom pointed at a guy across from our house...

...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."

That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.

Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.

1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done. Now, flush the urinal and go outside and tee off.

Two blondes were taking a walk through a bush when they came across a set of tracks.

'I'm sure they're bear tracks!', said the first blonde.
'No, they're deer tracks', said the second blonde, confidently.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

A rabbi and a priest are out for a walk through the park.

It's a hot summer day and as they pass by a pond, the rabbi suggest taking a bath to cool down a little.
The priest is hesitant at first, but since they're at a remote spot with noone around, he agrees.

Just as they have finished taking off their robes a group of ladies is jogging by. The priest hastily covers his crotch, while the rabbi hides his face behind his hands.

When the ladies have passed, the priest asks:
"Why didn't you cover your private parts?"

To which the rabbi replies:
"Well, MY congregation recognizes me by my face. "

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old. And I started here fourteen years and three months ago."

You know why I hate elevators?

Half the time they are up to something, the other half they are just bringing you down. I should really start taking steps to avoid them..

A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete.

Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.

Wife: what are you getting me for our 10 year anniversary?

Husband: Im taking you to Africa

Wife: wow that's amazing I always wanted to go there. Then what you would get me for our 20th?

Husband: I will pick you up

Why did the mexican start taking anti anxiety meds?

He was taking them for hispanic attacks

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

My 4 year old was taking her sweet time getting ready for bed and I said to her "quit stallin!"

She said to me, "I'm not stallin"

And I replied, "well, you might be right about that because you're certainly not Russian.'

I got nothing... no laughs, even after I thoroughly explained it to her. My daughter has no sense of humor.

I attended a meet called "How Stop Taking Things Literally".

"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.

I said, "My legs."

What Ricky Gervais said after taking some digs at fat people at a show

"I don't want fat people to feel uncomfortable at my gigs. So next time, buy two seats"

Is this allowed here?

Stephen Colbert: Are you afraid of artificial intelligence taking over?

Ricky Gervais: I'd love for any intelligence to take over.

What do you call a priest taking a shit?

A religious movement

A construction worker tells his boss that he has a terrible headache

The boss answers: "Hey, what I do if I have a headache is, I go home and have sex with my wife, then my head is clear again and I can come back to work"

The worker says he doesn't know about this and prefers taking some medication.

But this doesn't work, and so the boss basically orders him to go and have sex.

Two hours later, the worker is back, smiling and in a good mood, "hey boss, your trick worked, and btw. a nice house you have got there!"

I'm considering taking a position translating old Mongolian poetry.

The jobs has its prose and Khans.

Happy cake day to me!

A blind man is went into a store

A blind man went into a store with his dog and swings it around in circles. An employee asks if he needs any help. The man says, "No I'm just taking a look"

Train

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you. " "Why not? " replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute. "

I used to work in a calender factory.

I got fired for taking a few days off.

I always feel like a better person after taking a dump…

because I know I am no longer full of shit.

A woman goes to the Doctor about her constipation 'It's making me really uncomfortable' she says 'I just sit on the toilet for 6 hours ... and nothing happens'

'6 hours!?' The Doctor asks 'Are you taking anything?'

'Usually just a book' replies the woman

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the taking taking a dump jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working taking taking a shit piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes