Taking Jokes
187 taking jokes and hilarious taking puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about taking that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Learn how to master the art of taking jokes! Discover the use of taking the knee, taking a poop, taking things literally and more. Explore the importance of taking a break, taking too long, taking blood, taking a bath and taking a picture. Get the quickest shortcut and blimey out of the way with this article!
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Funniest Taking Short Jokes
Short taking jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The taking humour may include short pickup jokes also.
- Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today? Because they had to go home and change first.
- My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
- I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.
That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1 - How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They only *talk* about change.
- If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 harry potter books, it spells out a secret message HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
- I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
- How many Alzheimer's patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb? To get to the other side
- Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
- How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
- My son came home as I was taking his door off it's hinges and asked Dad what are you doing?
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Taking One Liners
Which taking one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with taking? I can suggest the ones about occupation and losing.
- r kelly is really changing the rap game
He takes the art out of rap artist - What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth? A Flossiraptor
- How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb? Why must it be a group activity?
- What gets bigger the more you take from it? The lower class.
- I don't like people who take drugs... For example: airport security.
- Why did the Mexican take a Xanax? For hispanic attacks
- How many optometrist does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1... or 2?? Or 1? Or 2?
- Why did the chicken cross the road? To take a photo in front of a church.
- How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris? I don't know, it's never been done
- how many alziemers patients does it take to change a light bulb? to get to the other side
- I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.
- Are people born with a photographic memory.... ....or does it take time to develop ?
- What math classes do gender studies majors take? Triggernometry
- How many "sup dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's already lit fam.
- How do you get Canadian bacon to stop curling in the pan? You take away the broom.
Taking A Break Jokes
Here is a list of funny taking a break jokes and even better taking a break puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the bird take a break from singing on the first day of spring? It needed some beak-ause!
- How did the summer solstice break a world record? It went the longest day without taking a nap!
- Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.
- Maybe the ChatGPT servers are just taking a break to meditate and clear their electronic minds.
- The chemistry professor says to his students: "There's deadly gas in this bottle. What steps do we take in case it breaks?"
"Fast steps" - "Officer, what can you tell us about the break in at the bakery today?" "Man I've seen all kinds of thieves in my career, but this one takes the cake"
- Breaking News: Coup Underway - Trump takes control of senate and declares martial law! Oh wait... That was Palpatine.
False alarm. - Breaking: governor Greg Abbott halts all commerce in the state of Texas The governor has stated he is committed to stopping all "trans actions" no matter what form they may take
- How many Public Radio hosts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? We'll be back with that answer right after this pledge break.
- If you've been watching TV since you were a kid You should take a break. Get up and walk around sometime.
Taking A Picture Jokes
Here is a list of funny taking a picture jokes and even better taking a picture puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My uncle was taking our picture at a dairy farm in Wisconsin when he was crushed by a giant wheel of cheese. We tried to warn him.
- If you find it hard to take pictures of yourself in the sauna... You have selfie-steam issues.
- As a food photographer, I've always hated taking pictures of rice They always come out too grainy
- I tried to take some High Res pictures of my farmland and fields. They still came out pretty grainy.
- How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to change it, one to take pictures and four to make t-shirts for the event.
- My friend is making a lot of money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes. It's like shooting fish in apparel.
- Why aren't there many pictures of the Sphinx from the back? People get uncomfortable taking pictures of its sphinxter
- Why couldn't the press take pictures of the fastest superhero? No Flash photography.
- Got a password lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong password to look into my phone.
Now I have fifty pictures of drunk me. - I need to get one of those gadgets for my camera so I can take pictures of myself. I think it's called a narciss-stick.
Taking A Bath Jokes
Here is a list of funny taking a bath jokes and even better taking a bath puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How many surreal artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three, one to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bath tub.
- I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster! Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.
- Hey girl are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you
- Why does Tiger have to take so many baths? Because he plays with Pooh all day.
- I was alone at home taking a bath... When all of a sudden... I felt the tap on my shoulder
- A woman calls her doctor and says "I have diarrhea. Can I take a bath?" Doctor says "Sure, if you have enough"
- A man asks the doctor "Can I take a bath with diarrhea?"
Doctor:"If you could fill the bathtub with it, why not?" - Peeing in the Shower My wife screamed at me peeing in the shower. I told her that everyone pees in the shower. She responded, "Yeah, but I'm trying to take a bubble bath."
- Me: I want to take a bath. Home Depot Employee: You need to pay for it first.
- My boss has been angry with me recently, and last night he called while I was taking a bath. I didn't answer because I was in hot water.
Taking Bath Jokes
Here is a list of funny taking bath jokes and even better taking bath puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Can you take a bath if you have diarrhea? Yes, if you have enough.
- There are three kinds of people: Firstly the ones who shower, secondly the ones who takes baths and thirdly the ones who sit next to me on the bus.
- Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted a clean getaway..
- How come when I find a stray dog, take it home, and give it a bath everyone calls me a saint... ...but when I do it with a kid everyone just calls me a priest?
- Why don't Dalmatians like to take baths? Because they don't like to be spotless.
- Why did Archimedes take a bath? Because his wife said "You reek-a"
- TIL that dinosaurs used hot springs to take baths But as time advanced they moved onto meteor showers.
- My wife is so immature.. When I'm taking a bath she sinks all my boats!
- Ill A very ill man goes to his doctor, he asks the doctor what to do. 'Take a lot of mud baths' the doctor says. 'Why?' the man asks.
'So you can get used to the ground of course!' - Anybody taking bath in Milk.. "Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."
Taking The Knee Jokes
Here is a list of funny taking the knee jokes and even better taking the knee puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Which athlete was the first to take a knee? Tonya Harding.
- Girls hate it when you give them gifts implying that you will somehow benefit from them as well. Take knee pads for example.
- How is the NFL like the Police? Everyone gets heated when someone takes a knee.
- Just wondering why Nike didn't pick Tanya Harding for it's ads. Wasn't she the first one to take a knee?
- What do Colin Kaepernick and Tonya Harding have in common? Both of them are famous for taking a knee.
- I don't understand why people are so mad about football players taking a knee Its a solid strategy for running out the clock in the 4th quarter.
- How do you melt a snowflake? Take a knee
- Why did Colin Kaepernick take a knee before each NFL game? He never had the opportunity to kneel during games
- A uniform company sent President Trump a dressed mannequin with no legs. They heard Trump had issues with people taking the knees.
- If you take meat from a calf... ... it could either be veal or below-knee.
Comical Taking Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about taking you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean giving jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make taking pranks.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.
No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.
My brother's doctor says he can no longer play
video games, and he's taking it very hard
He's inconsolable
An old man in tears
A young man taking a walk in a park comes across an elderly man sitting on a bench in tears. Touched by the poor man's sorrow, he kindly asks, "Please sir, why are you crying?"
The old man replies, "I have a beautiful 21 year old wife who makes love to me every night!"
Confused, the young man replies, "I still don't understand why you're crying."
The elderly man sobs, "I forgot where I live."
I've been taking something for my Kleptomania.
I've been taking something for my
Kleptomania
A man is taking his son to buy his first car...
The son spots an old, used cop car at one of the lots. "Dad! I want that! It would be so cool! Can I test drive the cop car?" The father replies: "No, son. I want your car to have working turn signals and an accurate speedometer."
Number 7
Mark dreams number 7.
He wakes up, looks at his watch: it was 7:07.
He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007.
Decided it was a sign he's taking the bus 77.
Arrive at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 7 from the 7th race.
The horse comes seventh.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Offensive NFL joke. Trigger Warning: Terrorism/World Trade Centre/Religious, anybody who is offended do not open this link
I'm really worried about Tim Tebow taking over the QB position. The last time anybody that religious had control of the Jets 9/11 happened
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
e**... your ears for this one
A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an e**.... He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills
I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss...
.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."
"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."
I need a new car..
The one I have keeps taking me to work.
A blonde is taking money out of an ATM,
when the blonde behind her in line says, "Ha! Ha! I know your password. It's four asterisks."
The first blonde replies, "Ha! Ha! No it's not. It's 3862."
Why did President Kennedy never get drunk?
He wasn't very good at taking shots.
Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.
The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."
A man asks a janitor in his office...
"Hey, don't you get tired being just a janitor?"
The janitor is taken aback. "Excuse me, let me tell you that even if I'm just a janitor, I have a kid each in Harvard, MIT, and Princeton."
"Wow," the man is surprised, "what courses are they taking?"
"Nah, they're janitors too."
I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!
So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"
My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.
Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,
Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.
I'm considering taking a position to translate old Mongolian poetry
The job has its prose and Khans
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Black guy and a white girl hook up.
A black guy and a white girl meet at a bar and go back to her house. They start fooling around and he begins taking his pants off. She stops him and says "is it true what they say about black guys"? He says " yes. Yes it is" then stabs her and takes her purse.
Why did the Limestone feel unappreciated?
Because he thought people were taking him for granite.
A husband sends a text to his wife.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?
Why's it taking so long to legalise gay marriage in the whole of the US?
I mean, America had four fathers and it turned out alright
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American girl goes on vacation to Berlin
While walking through town one night, she sees a drunk guy openly taking a leak up against a wall.
Disgusted, she loudly proclaims, "g**...!"
The man turns with a proud smile on his face and says, "Danke!"
My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients
I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
The human brain is amazing
It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.
Husband send a text to his wife
Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?
The Millenium Falcon is taking off...
Han Solo asks C3PO to give him a countdown, and C3PO says..
"10....8.....6.....4"
Han interrupts him and asks what the heck he's doing.
C3 says "You told me to never tell you the odds"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black guy and a white girl hookup at a club...
And after a while of dancing and drinks both were getting eager to get under the sheets. They drive back to the girls place and just as the guy was taking out his package, the girl asked "is it true about what they say about black guys?" And he whispered in her ear "you bet it is", he then continued to stab her 5 times and steal her purse.
Caught my Vegan roommate...
Caught my Vegan roommate crying today while chopping onions. These people are taking it too far now!
Bernie Sanders is a true socialist
He's taking the delegates he's earned and giving them to somebody who is struggling to earn their own.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife and I taking a shower
Wife: I want you to do bad things to me.
Me:
Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are taking a coffee break in Yalta...
Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down.
"Taking notes?", Roosevelt asks.
"No," Churchill says, "I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook."
"How funny," Stalin says. "I collect all jokes about myself too."
"Oh, really?" Churchill says. "So how many have you got?"
"Three prison camps so far."
You know the times have changed...
When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.
A polar bear and a black bear are taking a stroll in the arctic...
When suddenly, the polar bear falls in some water he starts to panic and says, "Help, I'm dissolving!" the black bear replies with, "No you aren't bears are insoluble!" the polar bear says, "That's easy for you to say, you're non-polar!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rabbi and a priest...
take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the c**... and says, " I have a life to live! F*c**... the kids! "
The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...
The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered
"Oh, is your daughter s**... active?" Asked the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dad: When you turn 18, I'm taking you to the s**... club.
Teen: Of course not dad!
Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it's time for you to start bringing money to the house.
No, I'm not addicted to taking batteries out of clocks.
I can stop at any time I want.
My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments.
Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.
I asked my date if she'd ever done drugs.
"No," she said, taking a sip of her water.
I said, "Well, you have now."
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo jokes died suddenly yesterday.
His wife is taking it really hard.
My sister sat on my glasses and broke them...
I suppose it's my fault for not taking them off first
A Russian goes to a watchmaker.
He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors
But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.
Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.
It was breath taking.
I keep on taking kitchen utensils from my parents
My friends say I'll be in prison if I'm caught, but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
The perfect shot.
A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."
Making jokes about Trump taking us to war is all fun and games until
You realize you're a healthy young man
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.
"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.
1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your f**....
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your f**... back.
5. Pull up your pants.
From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".
I'm taking my wife for skydiving.
So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.
A man died due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle
He had serious selfie steam issues.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just read that article about Robot s**... Workers, and all I could think was, "Man, automation really is taking over all the jobs...
Even your mom's.
Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today
When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's this new drug named Jesus
I've heard of a lot of people injecting it but I've started taking it o**....
I'd never take the lords name in vein
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...
As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and i**... aliens?
The clerk said, Kiss my a**...… get out… and stay out!
The man said, Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?
A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
He has two in his boat when the police approach him.
The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.
"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."
So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.
"Call who back?"
I can't believe I got fired just for taking a day off.
I am never working for a calendar company again.
An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves
On one hand, they are good for cold weather.
On the other, they don't really help.
Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office
Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office
Did you know the first condoms were invented by the Welsh out of sheep's intestines?
The English improved on the invention by taking the intestines out of the sheep before using them.
Give a man an egg and he'll eat for a day
Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you're taking science too far.
A blonde and her boyfriend were going somewhere in a car.
While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. "
The blonde look around and says
" Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Got my wife with the greatest dadjoke yet
She was talking about something and I got the rare chance to interrupt her by saying "Hi leaving and taking the kids due to these s**... jokes, I'm dad!"
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man's truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?
The man replied, These are my penguins. They belong to me.
You need to take them to the zoo, the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo! the officer said.
I did, the man replied. And today I'm taking them to the beach.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!
Dad: great, I'm taking you the s**... club tonight.
18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that.
Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.
I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
I'm thinking of donating my body to science
It's taking up too much space in the freezer.
A man named Jeff was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him.
The officer looked in the back of Jeff's truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?
Jeff replied, These are my penguins. They belong to me.
You need to take them to the zoo, the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw Jeff driving down the road once again. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo! the officer said.
I did, Jeff replied. And today I'm taking them to the beach."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.
Nice t**..., where you want me to hang the blinds?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elephant is standing on a street corner with an e**....
His thing is HUGE, hangs all the way to the ground.
At that moment a mother is taking her son to school and the son looks at the elephant and says "Mommy what is that?"
Mom: "Oh that's the trunk honey"
Kid: "No mom, further back between the legs"
Mom: "Oh that? That's nothing...." and awkwardly changes the subject.
The next day, same elephant in the same condition is on the corner only this time the dad is taking the kid to school.
Kid: "Hey dad, what is that? It's not the the trunk and it's not the legs, it's in between the legs. Mommy says that's nothing."
The dad thinks for a second and then laughs, "Yeah well, mommy is spoiled."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Russian dude enters a bar wearing a tshirt saying, "Turks got 3 problems."
Obvious repost
As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.
Turks: you come in our country and have the b**... to insult us.
Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.
Turks: Let's get him outside.
Russian: that's your second problem. you wanna solve everything with violence.
*They gets outside of the bar and Turks starts taking their knives out*
Russian: that's your third problem. you bring knives to a gunfight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young lady sitting alone in a restaurant when maitre'd approaches with a presentable looking gentlemen
\- I am sorry. We are overbooked, but i see you have a sit available at your table. Would you mind if this gentlemen shares a table with you?
She agrees. And before taking his sit the gentlemen introduces himself.
\- Hello, My name is John Smith. I am a politician, but I want to let you know that I am a honest person.
She says:
\- It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Natasha, I am a high-priced p**..., but i want to let you know that i am a v**....
How do you make a pirate angry?
By taking away the P.
A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.
As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says I think it's raining. No, it is definitely snowing. Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says let's not bicker, let's ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially snowing or raining. They walked up to their tour guide, and ask Comrade Rudolph, would you kindly tell us if it is snowing or raining? It is raining of course! He replies. The husband turns to the wife and says See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!
As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.
We know our results months in advance!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me if I'd ever p**... in the shower. I said 'Yes but both times were an accident.
My Wife responded 'What!? How can you p**... in the shower by accident? Twice!?'
And I said 'Well these things happen when you're taking a s**...'.
