I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.
I thought, fuck me, I might win this
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.
No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.
We've updated our privacy policy
She asked "How on earth could you accidentally pee in the shower?!"
I said "Well these things tend to happen when you're taking a shit".
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
It doesnt cure it, but it keeps the sheets of my bed
It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs
As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
The clerk said, Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!
The man said, Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?
So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.
Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office
My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.
I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."
She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"
"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're taking a shit."
I'm taking steps to avoid them.
Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the shit just comes straight out of his mouth.
"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"
I don't know what the hell they're taking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.
Doesnt cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you're taking science too far.
You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?
Taking a quick look is fine, but staring is not.
Then again, that's what sunglasses are for.
A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
He has two in his boat when the police approach him.
The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.
"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."
So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.
"Call who back?"
A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills
In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first condom using a sheeps lower intestine.
In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.
~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms.
He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."
It was like taking baby from a Candi.
When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.
So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"
My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.
....when there was a knock on the door.
Oh no, she thought. I can't let anyone in here while I'm taking a bath. "Who is it?" she called out in trepidation.
"It's the blind man," came the reply.
Well, I suppose if it's a blind man there's no harm letting him in, thought the nun, and she told the man to come in.
A man in overalls walked in holding a tape measure and wearing a tool belt. "Nice tits love," he said. "Where do you want your blind?"
You realize you're a healthy young man
The man replied, These are my penguins. They belong to me.
You need to take them to the zoo, the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo! the officer said.
I did, the man replied. And today I'm taking them to the beach.
One fine morning an English billionaire was taking a walk with his dog. Suddenly a Pakistani came out from the bushes and shot the poor dog three times. The dog died.
The billionaire screamed at the killer, Why did you do that?
The killer answered, "Your wife gave me £ 50,000 and told me: Go kill that son of a bitch.
The billionaire hugged the killer and with tears in his eyes he said... "I am forever grateful to your English teacher.
Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.
It doesn't cure it but it sure keeps the sheet off my legs.
Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight.
18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that.
Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.
...but I'm taking steps to avoid it.
A sex offender goes to the park, where a birthday is taking place. He plops down onto a bench, whips it out, and plainly starts rubbing one out.
A woman gasps and covers her child's eyes. "Sicko! Think about the children!"
The sex offender says, "What the fuck do you think I'm doing?"
..the kids are taking it pretty hard.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
"No," she said, taking a sip of her water.
I said, "Well, you have now."
In the 18th century the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Teen: Of course not dad!
Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it's time for you to start bringing money to the house.
Han Solo asks C3PO to give him a countdown, and C3PO says..
"10....8.....6.....4"
Han interrupts him and asks what the heck he's doing.
C3 says "You told me to never tell you the odds"
It's been tough taking a shower everyday, but at least I have the heroin to help me get throught it.
But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.
Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
My wife has been taking it really, really hard.
She hears a knock on the door. Behind the door a man says "it's the blind man, can I come in?". She decides to answer the door without getting dressed because what the hell. She opens the door, the man says "nice tits, where do you want these blinds?".
... but I don't have enemies that stare me directly in the eye whilst taking a shit on my carpet
he sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" The man looks up at the meat. "Nah" He says. "The steaks are too high.
Taking a shower every day was hard, it's a good thing I had meth to get me through it
when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.
They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."
I tried taking his shell off but it only made him more sluggish.
When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.
I suppose it's my fault for not taking them off first
Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.
God, on the other hand, took notice of what was taking place and was furious. He demanded to speak with Satan.
"Why do you have this man when he lived righteously and has a place in heaven?" God bellowed.
"I don't know, but I'm keeping him," Satan snarkily replied.
"You will hand him over now," God said ferociously, "or else I will sue you!"
Satan smirked.
"Where you gonna get a lawyer?"
"This is the pig I've been fucking when you're not around."
His wife rolls her eyes and replies "that's a sheep, not a pig, idiot."
"I wasn't taking to you."
I am never working for a calendar company again.
They are each taking shots until one talks about how she can take the biggest cock. She says "I can by far take the largest cock, I can fit a whole remote in my vag"
The second hooker says "Thats nothing I can fit a whole wine bottle in my vag and not even feel it"
The third hooker sits there silently as she slides down the bar stool
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
He had serious selfie steam issues.
Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.
Daughter: Mom what are those things hanging on your chest?
Mom: They are called boobs..
Daughter: When am I going to get them?
Mom: When you grow up
*Later in the day she walks in on dad taking a shower*
Daughter: Dad, what is that thing hanging between your legs?
Dad: Its called penis..
Daughter: When am I going to get that?
Dad: You can get it now but don't tell mommy.
It was breath taking.
Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?
A black guy and a white girl meet at a bar and go back to her house. They start fooling around and he begins taking his pants off. She stops him and says "is it true what they say about black guys"? He says " yes. Yes it is" then stabs her and takes her purse.
Now I'm fucking stuck taking care of a puppy.
I can stop at any time I want.
I'm gonna start taking steps to avoid them
The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."
And after a while of dancing and drinks both were getting eager to get under the sheets. They drive back to the girls place and just as the guy was taking out his package, the girl asked "is it true about what they say about black guys?" And he whispered in her ear "you bet it is", he then continued to stab her 5 times and steal her purse.
I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
His wife is taking it really hard.
I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'.
Stupid name for a hamster anyway...
While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. "
The blonde look around and says
" Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes..."
I said yes, few times, accidently... She said that's so gross and asked wtf does accidently means? I said well that's the way it goes when taking a shit sometimes.
And as I walked I saw a man squatting behind a gravestone. Morning I said to him, to which he replied no, just taking a shit .
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