Takin Jokes

I've been taking something for my Kleptomania.

I've been taking something for my
Kleptomania

Taking the kids out

A husband and wife were discussing what to do with their two kids on the weekend. "They want to go to the zoo and the amusement park" said the wife.
"That's too expensive" said the husband. "It'll have to be one or the other."
"Well, which do you think?"
"Probably Mikey."

I'm taking a course where we learn about crackpots.

It's called Psychoceramics.

Taking my dog for a walk

Taking my quadriplegic dog for a walk is a real drag.

So I'm taking a Terrorism and Covert Politics class

Pretty sure I bombed the midterm.

I'm considering taking a position to translate old Mongolian poetry

The job has its prose and Khans

I like taking pictures with my friends

but my mom says she didn't raise a thief

I'm taking a quick poll...

How many of you refuse to participate in surveys?

Why's it taking so long to legalise gay marriage in the whole of the US?

I mean, America had four fathers and it turned out alright

I'm taking a vacation before I start a new job.

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like to drive through Manitoba along the Hudson Bay to Rankin Inlet. She told me she was having Nunavut.

Taking that CPR class before Highschool...

Led me to believe that choking and strokes would have occurred more often that I thought.

Been taking my cat to the park for leash training.

After taking out Professor X and his academy and gaining a political following, Magneto and his team forcefully take over the government....

... in a totally expected mutiny.

Taking my 4 year old to see Straight Outta Compton.

I can't remember ever being this excited for a movie that's rated G.

I'm taking your mom to the new British dollar store

p**....

I saw my ex while taking a test today

wonder if she cheated on that too...

I'm taking a course with a focus on muscle fatigue.

I don't want to talk about it.
...It's a sore subject.

Anybody taking bath in Milk..

"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."

Taking calculus has made me want to become Prime Minister of a European country

Then I can just throw money at problems instead of trying to integrate them.

Taking a nap is like s**........

It's never as good as you had hoped for but better than nothing.

What am I not taking on Christmas this year?

Noels

Two r**..., Joe and Bubba went out in the woods looking for Christmas trees.

They looked all day without any luck. Near nightfall Bubba finally said, "Joe, I'm takin the next tree we come to, wether it has lights on it or not!"

Taking to people about your child a**... experience is the toughest part.

The last time i did it, i had to spend 7 years in jail.

I was taking a health quiz back in sixth grade and I just remembered this

"Write an example of a risk"
"This"

I'm taking Arthur Fonzarelli impersonation courses at college.

I'm getting straight "aaaayyyysss"

I tried taking h**... the other night, but it didn't work

My efforts were in vein.

Any Irishman and a Scott have a duel at a bar...

The irishman exclaims, "You Scottish can't drink! We Irish are the best drinkers!"
Scott exclaims, "Ye don no wha ye takin boot! Any scott can drink any irishman under ye table!"
The two drink to the early morning. Who wins?
The bartender.

Taking a stroll in the park is like robbing an Asian kitchen.

Either way, you're taking a wok.

So I'm taking a job interview, and decide to tell my soon to be boss a joke.

He didn't get it, and I didn't get it either.

I was taking my English final and they asked Write the past tense of 'Think' .

I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'.

Im taking a s**... harassment course...

I think I'll be really good at it

Sure is taking Google a long time to make a self driving car.

They're hitting one obstacle after another.

So I tried taking one of them online personality tests...

Turns out my personality is not connected to the internet.

What is Pac-Man's favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

Taking cold showers in the morning is a great way to become an optimist.

The rest of your day literally could not be any worse.

I'm taking my wife for skydiving.

So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.

Before taking lessons, Elton John first learned how to play the piano by ear.

I still think it was easier to use my fingers.

Don't you think taking a bath is a bit tasteless?

Why not add some salt in it?

Taking out my contacts has become second nature to me.

I can do it with my eyes closed.

By taking into account this year's string of s**... accusations, I can say with confidence that...

...it was nice knowing you Mr. Claus. But seriously, why that elf???

I'm taking the goose farmer's daughter to the dance...

I heard she knows how to get down

I was taking care of my friend's snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died...

I asked my wife, "What should I tell him?"
She said, "Just give it to him straight."

Nobody is taking comedy seriously anymore.

Everyone thinks the occupation is a huge joke.

How are you at taking back handed compliments?

I bet you're really good at it.

Taking the side length that's opposite of an angle in a right triangle is very much frowned upon.

It's considered a sin.

I think taking the train is for crazy people.

Its a loco motion.

I've been taking viagara for my sunburn.

It doesn't cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.

I'm taking a Microsoft incel class.

So I can spread sheets by myself

Who is taking care of Stephen King's PC and router problems?

Stephen King's "IT"

Taking a lesson because her golf game had been going so badly, a woman had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee.

Distraught and rather angry and disheartened besides, she went back into the clubhouse and told the golf pro about the incident.
"Where did it sting you?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replied.
The pro shook his head and quickly exclaimed: "That's your problem right there. You have your feet too far apart.

It is taking much longer to rescue the boys trapped in the Thai cave.

All the diving experts are participating in the World Cup in Russia.

Taking diet advice from people on YouTube...

Is like taking s**... advice from me.

I'm taking a trip to South Africa's capital.

It's a three-way ticket.

Taking my mother-in-law off her life support was one of the hardest things I've done.

I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.

I was taking a stroll through the town when i saw a midget go up to a black man, and mutter a racial slur

I turn to my friend and say, That's a little racist

I am taking a stand to be progressive. I support youthinasia.

So I adopted a kid from there. Sorrymyspace bar isn't working allthetime now.

I'm taking the Manic Street Preachers around rural England.

If they tolerate Diss, then the Chilterns will be next.

I'm going to be taking my drivers exam in a full stormtrooper outfit...

That way I won't hit anything.

I'm taking all my savings and going to travel,

I estimate I'll be back tomorrow by midday...

I was taking a dip in the local pool, and the lifeguard said "Hey! What have you got"?

"Hummus".

I was taking a test today for school when the teacher told us that the test would close if we opened a new tab.

Thank goodness I opened a new computer up instead.

After taking his asphalt to the bar and asking for one beer for him, and one for the road, the bartender refuses the man's offer.

'I won't serve him!' He says, 'he's a cyclepath!'

Why you taking your girl to Maine this summer?

I'm going to Bangor.

I am taking a surprise visit to my girl in Australia

She doesn't know I'm going down under

Taking your dog walkin is great way to find women.

But what if you want to find a woman who's alive?

I was taking a leak and used my stream to kill a fly

Better be the last time I see one of those b**... on my rommate's toothbrush

I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet

I said, "you can't be serious"
He said, "I s**..., you knot"

I was taking a s**..., when it hit me...

Kinda s**..., being an astronaut.

The saying shouldn't be "It's like taking candy from a baby"

Have you ever actually taken candy from a baby? They scream. It should be "it's like taking veggies from a baby"

I was taking the p**... out of a bloke with a ridiculous wig on today.

He had the last laugh though. Sentenced me to 6 months.

Where exactly are you taking me doctor?

-Where exactly are you taking me doctor?
-To the morgue.
-What? But, I'm not dead yet.
-And we are not there yet!

Taking a job as a stuntman

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's new?" the bartender asks. "I got a job as a stuntman in a couple of movies," the guy says. "Nothing major. Just a couple of small rolls."

I'm taking a class on how to make a banana split.

It's called sundae school.

Taking astrology seriously is dangerous for your health

It has a one in twelve chance of giving you Cancer.

I tried taking my dog Jack out to use the bathroom the other night, but it was so dark

I couldn't see Jack s**...

I'm considering taking a position translating old Mongolian poetry.

The jobs has its prose and Khans.
Happy cake day to me!

I'm taking b**... classes

and the normal teacher is out this week so we've got a sub.

I'm taking rock climbing lessons and my dad suggested I sign up for a mattress making class.

It's ….. something to fall back on.