Takin Jokes

I've been taking something for my Kleptomania.

I've been taking something for my
Kleptomania

Taking the kids out

A husband and wife were discussing what to do with their two kids on the weekend. "They want to go to the zoo and the amusement park" said the wife.
"That's too expensive" said the husband. "It'll have to be one or the other."
"Well, which do you think?"
"Probably Mikey."

I'm taking a course where we learn about crackpots.

It's called Psychoceramics.

Taking my dog for a walk

Taking my quadriplegic dog for a walk is a real drag.

So I'm taking a Terrorism and Covert Politics class

Pretty sure I bombed the midterm.

I've been taking these pills that are supposed to make you live forever.

So far, so good.

I'm considering taking a position to translate old Mongolian poetry

The job has its prose and Khans

I'm taking a course called Windology

It's a real breeze

I like taking pictures with my friends

but my mom says she didn't raise a thief

I'm taking a quick poll...

How many of you refuse to participate in surveys?

Taking home work has never been more satisfying

I love being a coroner!

Why's it taking so long to legalise gay marriage in the whole of the US?

I mean, America had four fathers and it turned out alright

I'm taking a vacation before I start a new job.

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like to drive through Manitoba along the Hudson Bay to Rankin Inlet. She told me she was having Nunavut.

Taking that CPR class before Highschool...

Led me to believe that choking and strokes would have occurred more often that I thought.

Been taking my cat to the park for leash training.

After taking out Professor X and his academy and gaining a political following, Magneto and his team forcefully take over the government....

... in a totally expected mutiny.

Taking my 4 year old to see Straight Outta Compton.

I can't remember ever being this excited for a movie that's rated G.

I saw my ex while taking a test today

wonder if she cheated on that too...

I'm taking a course with a focus on muscle fatigue.

I don't want to talk about it.
...It's a sore subject.

Anybody taking bath in Milk..

"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."

Taking calculus has made me want to become Prime Minister of a European country

Then I can just throw money at problems instead of trying to integrate them.

What am I not taking on Christmas this year?

Noels

I'm taking Arthur Fonzarelli impersonation courses at college.

I'm getting straight "aaaayyyysss"

So I'm taking a job interview, and decide to tell my soon to be boss a joke.

He didn't get it, and I didn't get it either.

Sure is taking Google a long time to make a self driving car.

They're hitting one obstacle after another.

So I tried taking one of them online personality tests...

Turns out my personality is not connected to the internet.

What is Pac-Man's favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

Taking cold showers in the morning is a great way to become an optimist.

The rest of your day literally could not be any worse.

I'm taking my wife for skydiving.

So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.

Before taking lessons, Elton John first learned how to play the piano by ear.

I still think it was easier to use my fingers.

Don't you think taking a bath is a bit tasteless?

Why not add some salt in it?

Taking out my contacts has become second nature to me.

I can do it with my eyes closed.

I'm taking the goose farmer's daughter to the dance...

I heard she knows how to get down

I was taking care of my friend's snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died...

I asked my wife, "What should I tell him?"
She said, "Just give it to him straight."

Nobody is taking comedy seriously anymore.

Everyone thinks the occupation is a huge joke.

How are you at taking back handed compliments?

I bet you're really good at it.

Taking the side length that's opposite of an angle in a right triangle is very much frowned upon.

It's considered a sin.

I've been taking viagara for my sunburn.

It doesn't cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.

I'm taking a Microsoft incel class.

So I can spread sheets by myself

Who is taking care of Stephen King's PC and router problems?

Stephen King's "IT"

It is taking much longer to rescue the boys trapped in the Thai cave.

All the diving experts are participating in the World Cup in Russia.

I'm taking a trip to South Africa's capital.

It's a three-way ticket.

I was taking a final exam when...

I completely forgot all the concepts, so I asked my teacher what to do.
You can go outside for a run. It might jog your memory a bit.

The circumcision's taking too long.

Chop chop.

I was taking a stroll through the town when i saw a midget go up to a black man, and mutter a racial slur

I turn to my friend and say, That's a little racist

I tried taking a swing at the vampire that's been bothering me, but this time I used a large weapon which threw me off balance.

That was a big missed stake.

They're taking Baby It's Cold Outside off off of the radio for being offensive?

But I can't help to think about all those poor children that lost their grandmothers in tragic reindeer accidents.

I am taking a stand to be progressive. I support youthinasia.

So I adopted a kid from there. Sorrymyspace bar isn't working allthetime now.

Taking coffee order for family I'm visiting, buying everyone Starbucks, asked my mom how she like her coffee, she likes her coffee like she likes her slaves..

Free.

I'm taking the Manic Street Preachers around rural England.

If they tolerate Diss, then the Chilterns will be next.

I'm going to be taking my drivers exam in a full stormtrooper outfit...

That way I won't hit anything.

I'm taking all my savings and going to travel,

I estimate I'll be back tomorrow by midday...

I was taking a dip in the local pool, and the lifeguard said "Hey! What have you got"?

"Hummus".

I was taking a test today for school when the teacher told us that the test would close if we opened a new tab.

Thank goodness I opened a new computer up instead.

After taking his asphalt to the bar and asking for one beer for him, and one for the road, the bartender refuses the man's offer.

'I won't serve him!' He says, 'he's a cyclepath!'

Why you taking your girl to Maine this summer?

I'm going to Bangor.

I am taking a surprise visit to my girl in Australia

She doesn't know I'm going down under

Taking your dog walkin is great way to find women.

But what if you want to find a woman who's alive?

The saying shouldn't be "It's like taking candy from a baby"

Have you ever actually taken candy from a baby? They scream. It should be "it's like taking veggies from a baby"

Where exactly are you taking me doctor?

-Where exactly are you taking me doctor?
-To the morgue.
-What? But, I'm not dead yet.
-And we are not there yet!

Taking a job as a stuntman

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's new?" the bartender asks. "I got a job as a stuntman in a couple of movies," the guy says. "Nothing major. Just a couple of small rolls."

Taking astrology seriously is dangerous for your health

It has a one in twelve chance of giving you Cancer.

I'm considering taking a position translating old Mongolian poetry.

The jobs has its prose and Khans.
Happy cake day to me!