Takes Place Jokes
44 takes place jokes and hilarious takes place puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about takes place that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Takes Place Short Jokes
Short takes place jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The takes place humour may include short happen jokes also.
- How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.
( - These bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.
- How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
- How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one.All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves aroudn him.
- "Dad, was I adopted as a child?" The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:
"We tried, but nobody would take you" - How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. She just holds it in place, while the world revolves around her. * Beverly Hills ninja edit... rotates to revolves
- How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they'll all resist change even if it makes the world a brighter place.
- I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra. I gave up in the end. I wish I never tried it on in the first place.
- How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One. They just hold the bulb in place and the world revolves around them.
- Music can really take you to another place Like this bar I'm in plays nickleback, so I'm leaving
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Takes Place One Liners
Which takes place one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with takes place? I can suggest the ones about ensues and occurred.
- Once the North Korean leader dies, who will take his place? His next of Kim
- If you take highways to reach places, what do you use to leave places? A byeway.
- Where's the best place to take a cow on a date? The moovies
- What sport takes place at a synagogue? Jew-Jitsu
- Where does a trial over two pints of beer take place? An appellate quart
- The British are the worst tourists. Everywhere they go they take over the place.
- Hey there, mind if I take a bite? Cause your decomposing in ALL the right places.
- Olympic Rowing ...literally is taking place in sewage.
- My friends are taking me to a restaurant called DogHouse "Is that a Korean place?"
- A fireman's pole is a stripper's pole that takes you places.
- Why does Daenerys take so long to get places? She keeps *dragon* her feet.
- What's the one place you can give anybody your d**... and they'll take it? Vietnam
- Where do most Jewish s**... Scenes take place? In the shower.
Witty Takes Place Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about takes place you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean arrives jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make takes place pranks.
In the original 'Good Will Hunting' script, there is a surprise gay s**... scene between the two straight leads. It was purposely put there as a test to see if studios actually read the script. Harvey Weinstein was the only producer who mentioned the scene
Weinstein said that the s**... scene usually takes place before he approves a movie
A prisoner who is on death row has been sentenced to death by hanging and is standing on the platform being prepped for execution…
Just before the execution takes place, the prison guard looks at the prisoner and asked them if they had any last words.
The prisoner then says Man, my neck is killing me today!
On any given day, s**... i**... takes place 120 million times on earth.
Apparently, I live on the moon.
I was wondering why Disney/Pixar's new movie Turning Red takes place in 2002, then I realized...
It's a period piece.
Olympics Ticket
To whoever might interest, a friend of mine bought a ticket for the Olympics football finals, but he didn't realize the date was the same as his upcoming marriage.
If any of you wants to take his place, with everything already paid, the marriage takes place at the Catholic Church and the bride's name is Joanna.
An alcoholics anonymous meeting takes place. The presenter completes a demonstration.
He brings out two glasses, a bottle of whiskey, a bottle of water and an earthworm. He pours one glass with water and the other with whiskey. He then drops the worm into the bottle of water, where it wriggles around for a little while, but is ok.
He then picks it up and drops it into the whiskey, where it struggles and soon dies.
He asks the participants what does this show us?
Bubba Joe stands up at the back of the crowd and exclaims If I drink whiskey I won't get worms!
How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Assuming it takes place in a vacuum, approximating the lightbulb as a point particle, Assuming it takes place at precisely 300 K, and ignoring the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: π/3
The movie Turning Red takes Place in Toronto, Canada in the year 2002.
It's a period piece.
You're so ugly...
You are the reason Star Wars takes place in a galaxy far far away!
My son (now 11) came up with this and it cracks me up every time.
what do you call a movie that takes place in a school?
a school shooting
(if this has been made before i apologise anyways have a good day)
What do you call a sitcom that takes place in a war zone?
Minefeld
*Plays Seinfeld theme with gunshots*
At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a Dad and his 7 year old son.
Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?
Dad: They're balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven.
Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying Oh God, I'm coming but she didn't float anywhere..
3 men on a skiing holiday
3 men go on a skiing holiday in the Alps and have to share the same bed, in the morning the following conversation takes place.
Man on left: I had a dream last night that I got a h**....
Man on right: No way, I also had a dream about that as well!
Man in middle: That's funny I had a dream I was skiing.
What do you call a meeting with the biggest f**...-up of the century that takes place in a Tipi?
Islamic Star Trek?
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General.
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in
America ."
The General said, "Well, is there anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there
is Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.
"The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."
Earth is dangerous
Did you know that Earth is the most dangerous planet in the Universe, 100% if human deaths takes place on earth
What do you call a s**... assault that takes place at a monument to Margaret Thatcher ?
Statue-Tory r**...
The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Trump..
They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi ambassador says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen here in America."
President Trump says, "Well your excellency, anything I can do to help you?"
The Saudi whispers "My son watches your show *Star Trek* and in it there are Russians, and b**..., and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
President Trump smiles and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back: "Well, Star Trek takes place in the future."
The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech
and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Obama. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Obama says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."
The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and b**..., and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
President Obama laughs and leans toward the Saudi. "It's because it takes place in the future..."
What will the sequel to Lake Placid that takes place 50 years later be called?
Lake Flaccid
Cop Joke
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Problem 67
Bob and Kathy, two construction workers on the roof of a building, are about to raise a keg of nails from the ground by means of a light rope passing over a light frictionless pulley 10.0 m above the ground. Bob weighs 900 N, Kathy 600 N, the keg 300 N, and the nails 600 N. Both workers slip off the roof, and the following unfortunate sequence of events takes place. Hanging together on the rope, Bob and Kathy strike the ground just as the keg hits the pulley. Unnerved by his fall, Bob lets go of the rope, and the keg pulls Kathy up to the roof, where she cracks her head against the pulley but gamely hangs on. However, the nails spill out of the keg when it strikes the ground, and the empty keg rises as Kathy returns to the ground. Finally, she has had enough, lets go of the rope, and remains on the ground, only to be hit by the empty keg again. Ignoring the possible mid-air collisions that merely added insult to injury, how much did Bob and Kathy get when they sued the construction company?
A male driver with his wife is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
One American Soldier
My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home:
One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier.
"One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A brief firefight ensues, and then everything goes quiet...
"One American soldier can take out 100 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is rightfully impressed, so he laughs and sends 100 of his soldiers over the hill to finish the job. A large battle is heard over the hill that lasts much longer than the previous fight. Finally, everything calms down...
"One American soldier can take out 1000 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is furious, and sends over 1000 of his best soldiers. A massive and lengthy battle takes place over the hill. During the fight, a wounded Iraqi soldier comes crawling back over the hill toward the general.
"Sir! Do not send any more men! It's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!"
Why aren't there any Muslims on Star Trek?
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.
As they talked the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what i have seen in America." The General said, "well anything i can do to help"
The Iranian whispered, "my son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Kirk who is American, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is japanese, but there are no Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek.
The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future...."
Jesus and Moses are hanging out by the Red Sea
(this takes place present day...). So Jesus asks moses, "hey Moses...you still got da funk?" Moses says "yeah buddy!", and walks out to the sea, holds up his staff, and majestically makes the Red Sea part in the middle.
He puts his staff down, walks back, and asks, "so how bout you JC? do you still got da funk?"
Jesus replies, "I don't know man, its been a long time, but let me try".
Jesus walks to the sea and begins to walk on water. He takes a couple steps, but then sinks into the water. He walks back very sad. "well moses, I guess I just don't have it in me anymore".
"Hey don't feel so bad Jesus", Moses replies, "last time you did that, you didn't have those holes in your feet".
A serious car accident takes place...
and a 6 year old boy is seriously hurt. He is rushed to the hospital, and is quickly examined by doctors. The doctors decide that the severity of the boys injuries are very high, so they decide that he will have to have his limbs amputated.
Upon waking up from the surgery, the boy looks around and sees the doctor, the doctor says "Hello, little man. How are you feeling?"
The boy says "My. My legs. I can't feel my legs"
The doctor replies, "Yes, that's because we amputated your arms!"
An American, a Frenchman and an East German (this joke takes place in 1982)
are having a few drinks and discussing what true happiness is.
The American says "For me, true happiness is to work hard all day at a job I love, and then to come home and share dinner with my family."
The Frenchman says "Oh, you Americans, you're obsessed with work. To me true happiness is a deep discussion with my mistress, after which we make passionate love."
The East German shakes his head and says "Imagine it is 3 in the morning. You are sleeping soundly at home and are awakened by someone pounding on the door. You go and answer that, and two agents of the Stasi burst in. One says, 'Herr Mueller, you are under arrest for counterrevolutionary activities!' And although your voice quakes, you manage to say 'Comrades, Herr Mueller lives across the hall.' That, my friends, is true happiness."
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.