The Best 73 Takes Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Takes jokes. There are some takes asks jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these takes opens puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Takes Jokes and Puns

R Kelly is really changing the rap game



He takes the art out of rap artist

What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.


That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

jokes about takes

What happens when Catwoman takes off her suit?

The Dark Knight Rises!


A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

My wife treats me like GOD!!

She takes no notice of my existence till she wants something.

Takes joke, My wife treats me like GOD!!

My rubbish dog joke.

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!'
The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.

He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"

How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one... But it takes 4 episodes and Krillin dies...

A girl takes a black guy home.

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.

They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"

To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.

You can explore takes taking a picture reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean takes pays dad jokes. There are also takes puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives...

The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all the good ones"

A banker, a worker and an immigrant

An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".

I almost got raped in jail ...

My family takes monopoly way too seriously.

My girlfriend dropped this on me after some Tex-Mex last night ...

"I'm chilly"

She steps closer and takes my hand

"Will you be my con queso?"

And before I could even respond ...

"Sorry, was that too cheesy for you?"

A woman goes into a pharmacy

She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."

Takes joke, A woman goes into a pharmacy

the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness go to lunch.

So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first

- 'Ill have a silver bullet' says the Coors guy
- 'Ill have the king of beers' says the Budweiser guy
- 'Lemonade please' says the head of Guinness

The other two look at him ... 'Lemonade?'

'Well if you're not drinking beer neither am I'

I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel

But it takes up too much space in my freezer

A white woman takes a black man she met a club home...

...She takes him by the hand to the bedroom and winks at him and says: "why don't you show me if what they say about black guys is true." So he stabs her and steals her TV.

P.S: don't worry, it's ok for me to make such jokes because I'm racist.


These Bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon

Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.

A guy walks into the bar and looks the bartender in the eye and says "I need 10 shots"

The bartender lays them out and the man takes all 10 shots back to back.

In shock the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink like that before."

The man replies, "You'd drink like that too if you had what I had."

Sounding concerned, the bartender asks "Oh I'm sorry to hear that, what do you have?"

Man quickly says "2 bucks" and ran out of the bar.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.

A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet.

'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops

"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"

A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can

"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"

Takes joke, An idiot has a mirror in his closet

In the original 'Good Will Hunting' script, there is a surprise gay sex scene between the two straight leads. It was purposely put there as a test to see if studios actually read the script. Harvey Weinstein was the only producer who mentioned the scene

Weinstein said that the sex scene usually takes place before he approves a movie

A shy cowboy goes into a bar

*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking cowgirl sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"

Dad puts the car in reverse, looks in the rearview mirror and says...

"Ah, that takes me back."


To this day, my bully that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It takes two, very tiny people, to screw, in a lightbulb.

A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar

She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less."

The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?

The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.

My wife always takes a run right after we have sex

Some people... You give them an inch and they take a mile


My 3 year old daughter asked

My 3 year old daughter asked: Where does poo come from?

I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said: You just had breakfast?

Yes , she replied.

Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what's left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo.

She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then asked: And Tigger?

A man takes a hooker out to dinner. He gives her his peas

She gives him herpes

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication

It's for Hispanic attacks

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

What are you reading, old man? he asks.

I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.

I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.

How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to hell? asks the KGB agent.

I already speak Russian."

A CEO, a laborer, and an immigrant are at a table

the table has 20 cookies. The CEO takes 19 cookies and says to the laborer, look out, that immigrant is trying to take your cookie!

A black man walks into a restaurant..

There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."

The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."

The black man smiles, looks at the white man and says, "Sir, when I was born I was black, when I am sick I'm black, when I'm cold I'm black, when I'm angry I'm black and when I sad I'm black.

But you, sir, when you're born you're pink, when you're sick you are green, when you're cold you turn blue and when you're angry you turn red.

And you have the nerve to call me colored!"

Americans are so stupid, it takes them a week to get the results.

We in Russia get results 20 years before the elections.

What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

It takes me five minutes to walk from my house to the pub. It takes me 35 minutes to walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

A drunk man

A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,

"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."

The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."

Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."

The 2nd priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."

The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,

"Jesus Christ. You're back again?"

Are you Blonde?

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"

The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

Speaking of a big fat butt!

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.

"My cat is very fat, she says.

"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."

The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.

Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down."

"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"

"Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."

A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.

So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.

His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck! It tastes awful, worse than awful!" she splutters. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go!" cries the husband. "And you think I am out enjoying myself every night!"

The kid that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

A POLICEMAN pulls over a speeding car and takes out his little book.

The driver lowers her window.

Policeman: Name, please?

Woman: Freda.

Policeman: Surname?

Woman: Gonow.

Policeman: So you are Freda Gonow.

Woman: Thanks very much , and she takes off!

A man comes home from church with two black eyes.

His wife takes one look at him and exclaims, "how in the world did you get two black eyes at church!?"

"Well" the man answers, "When we stood up to pray, i noticed that the woman in front of me had the back of her dress tucked in to her pantyhoes. I didn't want to embarrass her by telling her, so i reached forward and pulled it out. She turned around and punched me in the eye!"

"that explains one black eye" said his wife, " so how did you get the other one?"

"I thought she must have wanted it there so i put it back!"

So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the ass, and walks in to have a stiff drink.

The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the ass before coming in? You got shit all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps with chapped lips?"

"Nah," says the cowboy. "But it keeps me from lickin' 'em"

2 wives go on a girls night out

On the way home they both need the toilet, so decide to stop at a graveyard, but they have nothing to wipe with.

The first takes off her panties and uses them, while the other takes a wreath and uses that.

The next day, one of their husbands calls the other and says:

"No more girls nights out. My wife came home with no panties. "

The other husband says:

"Thats nothing. Mine came home with a card in her crack that said 'from all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you. "

A young woman was standing outside her car weeping. A soldier walks up and asks what the problem is.

It turns out she's locked her keys in the car.

"Simple," says the soldier and drops his trousers, takes them off, rolls them into a ball and rubs them on the door.

The door pops open.

"How did you do that?!" exclaimed the young woman.Β 

"Easy," says the soldier, "These are my khakis."

a joke we tell in Ukraine

A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.


The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dude!!! That kid is obviously not yours!"
the Ukrainian replied "I don't care I dont want a russian!!!"

My 2 year old told his first joke.

We were walking down to the car and he put his hands in his pockets. He says oh mummy what's that in my pocket.

I dont know sweetheart let's see what it is

Pulls out his hands and shouts 'my hands' and does jazz hands and kills himself laughing.

He takes after his dad. His smile and laughter made my day.

"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

Finally, a blonde joke I haven't heard before…

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'No, it's probably best I stay here.' he says.

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says,

Because I'm the Goalie!



**

A blond Joke I've only heard once before.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'No, it's probably best I stay here.' he says.

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says,

"Because I'm the Goalie!"

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" She says to the two perplexed engineers, and then walks off.
One engineer looks at the other and says, "Typical blonde. We want the height and she gives us the length!"

According to ancient Japanese lore, a person's aura takes a particular colour right before they die.

Cyan Aura.

A man runs home from work

The second he gets home he finds his wife of 20 years, takes her into the bedroom and throws her on the bed, and pulled some blankets over them.

The wife was shocked, he hadn't been this way since they were young!

Then the man then turns to her and says: "look! My new watch glows in the dark!"

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for identification.

The blond asks, What's that?

The blond cop replies, It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it.

The blond reaches into her purse, pulls out her compact mirror, and hands it over.

The blond cop opens it, takes a look, and says, I'm sorry mam. If I knew you were an officer, I wouldn't have pulled you over.

What takes many nails to build, but only one screw to use?

A crib.

A man went to the doctor's office for a complete physical.

After all the tests where everything is excellent,he leaves the office and just outside the front door has a massive coronary and dies instantly. The nurse comes to get the doctor and asks him what to do. He comes outside takes a quick exam and says to the nurse Give me a hand and help me turn him around so it looks like he was coming in.

A man goes to the doctir to have a bump checked

The doctor takes a quick look and goes "Yep, that's definitely a sting from the new poisonous bees. 8 out of 9 cases are fatal, but you're very lucky, because in your case it's bee nine."

Putin is working in his office planning the Ukraine war, when the ghost of Stalin suddenly appears.

Putin takes the opportunity to seek advice: Stalin, what happened? why are things not working out for us? Stalin gives him the advice: Send 5 million Russians to their deaths at war, and paint the Kremlin blue. Why blue? asks Vladimir Putin.

I knew you wouldn't have a problem with the first part, chuckles Stalin.

A lion notices a monkey by a river, dipping a banana peel into the water

He watches her for a few minutes, as she dips the peel, keeps it under water, and then takes it out, watches the water a bit, repeats. Finally, the lion gives up trying to make sense of the sequence.

"Hey, monkey"

"Hey, lion"

"What in the world are you doing?"

"Ten bucks and I will explain"

The lion pays her.

"Thanks. I'm dipping a banana peel in the water"

"Wtf, monkey? You're the biggest idiot I've ever seen!"

"Sure, I'm an idiot, but I'm making $40 an hour."

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran wrap…

The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, I can clearly see your nuts .

A blonde girl walks into a gym and sees a guy.

The guy takes off his shirt she says, "Oh what chest!"

"That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."

Then he takes off his pants she says, "Oh what legs!''

He says, "That 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."

After that, he took off his underwear. The blonde girl starts running he catches her and says, "Why were you running?"

She said I didn't wanna be in there once I've seen how small the fuse was."

A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor

Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"

The doc says "Let's check you out.

As he looks into the man's ear with his otoscope he says "It looks like there is some sort of foreign object in here.

The doc takes his tweezers and pulls it out.

It's a suppository, the doc explains.

The old man takes a look at the suppository, looks back at the doctor, and says "Can I use your phone? I need to tell the wife I know where I put that hearing aid!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the takes grabs puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working takes walks piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes