Take Jokes
130 take jokes and hilarious take puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about take that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
- Short Take Jokes
- Take One Liners
- How Many Does It Take Jokes
- Take Attendance Jokes
- Spit Take Jokes
- Piss Take Jokes
- More Take Jokes
Funniest Take Short Jokes
Short take jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The take humour may include short jokes also.
- If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican We'll take the alien, you get the predators
- Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today? Because they had to go home and change first.
- How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up. - How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Trump says it's changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark.
- Why do the election results take so long? It's a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?
- My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
- I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.
That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1 - How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They only *talk* about change.
- If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 harry potter books, it spells out a secret message HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
- I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
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Take One Liners
Which take one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with take? I can suggest the ones about and .
- r kelly is really changing the rap game
He takes the art out of rap artist - What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth? A Flossiraptor
- How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb? Why must it be a group activity?
- What gets bigger the more you take from it? The lower class.
- China should have a cricket team. They can take out the whole world with one bat
- I don't like people who take drugs... For example: airport security.
- Why did the Mexican take a Xanax? For hispanic attacks
- How many optometrist does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1... or 2?? Or 1? Or 2?
- How many Russians does it take to capture Kyiv? Its ok. Putin doesn't know either.
- I hate people who take drugs For example, border security.
- How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? THAT IS NOT FUNNY!
- Why did the chicken cross the road? To take a photo in front of a church.
- How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris? I don't know, it's never been done
- how many alziemers patients does it take to change a light bulb? to get to the other side
- How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One.
Men can be Feminists, too.
How Many Does It Take Jokes
Here is a list of funny how many does it take jokes and even better how many does it take puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How many Alzheimer's patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb? To get to the other side
- How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
- How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.
( - How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.
- How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It takes two, very tiny people, to screw, in a lightbulb.
- How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They're happy living in the dark
- How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
- How many Karens does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, She just stands there holding it while the world revolves around her.
- How many Karens did it take to screw in a lightbulb? One.
She just holds the lightbulb in the socket and expects the rest of the world to revolve around her. - How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb? All of them. Never split the party.
Take Attendance Jokes
Here is a list of funny take attendance jokes and even better take attendance puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I attended a meet called "How Stop Taking Things Literally". "What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.
I said, "My legs." - You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath? One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.
- Descartes Takes a Flight The flight attendants says, "M. Descartes, would you care for a cocktail?" Descartes says, "I think not," and disappears.
- Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded.
- Ladies, most men are like professors that don't take attendance... It doesn't matter to them if you come.
Spit Take Jokes
Here is a list of funny spit take jokes and even better spit take puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man is sitting in a bar... and picks up a cup, taking a sip. All of a sudden, he spits it out, grimacing. The bartender, startled, asked what was wrong.
It's not my cup of tea
Piss Take Jokes
Here is a list of funny piss take jokes and even better piss take puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just stand around and compliment it, and then get p**... when it won't screw
- I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website. Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the p**...-taking b**....
- Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a p**...? Silent p.
- I was taking the p**... out of a bloke with a ridiculous wig on today. He had the last laugh though. Sentenced me to 6 months.
- New job wants a u**... sample everyday they're taking the p**...
- What do you call a magician that's taking a p**...? A wizard
- Pants... Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the p**... outa your pants.. - Whenever I take a p**..., I feel like a basketball player Cuz I'm always dribbling
- Wet Astronaut The astronaut thought he was taking a pee but it turned out to be a p**...-up.
- My doctor made me do a u**... test for fun. It was a p**...-take.
Take Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about take you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make take pranks.
Who takes over when the Ultrasound man is on leave?
The Hip Replacement Guy.
Do you know why it takes longer to build a blonde snowman?
You have to hollow out the head!
It takes a long time for a giraffe...
...to s**... its pride.
It takes a village to raise a child...
...it takes a child with a flamethrower to raze a village.
did you know it takes 3 sheep to make a wool sweater?
It's amazing. I didn't even know they could knit!
waaaaaaka waka.
What takes up 12 parking spaces?
Six women drivers.
It takes 10,000 hours to be really good at something.
It's really easy being poor now.
It only takes 3 inches to please a woman.
And it doesn't matter if it's mastercard, visa or American express.
They say it takes more muscles in your face to frown than it does to smile. So, I say exercise your face...
Get married and have teenage children. You will be frowning more than you imagined.
It only takes one drink to get me drunk
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
He Takes His Golf Seriously.
An elderly golfer is about to putt when a f**... procession drives by.
He removes his hat, and waits for the cars to pass by.
His golfing buddy turns to him and says, "That was very thoughtful of you to do that."
He responds, "Well, it seemed appropriate. I was married to the woman for 55 years."
It takes many nails to build a crib...
...but only one screw to fill it.
AI takes IQ test, is asked "Why do we shake hands?"
... and responds with "epileptic fit
It only takes a few seconds to express our true feelings
It only takes a few seconds to express our true feelings.
Unfortunately police call it m**....
They say it takes a whole village to raise a child
That must be a really fat kid
Whoever said "It takes two to tango"...
Clearly never took Spanish.
It takes me 2 weeks to finish a book.
It took Al-Qadea 120 Minutes to finish the WTC.
Takeoffs are optional...
Landings are mandatory
They say it takes 7 years to digest swallowed chewing gum.
Yet somehow, I'm still hungry.
It takes a big man to cry
but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Takes a second to understand.
The more suicidal people, the less suicidal people.
It takes 1,437 bolts to assemble a car.
It takes one nut to scatter them all over the road.
They say all it takes is 4 years of college to turn you into an adult
Well that or an alcoholic.
The HR takes the top 20 application folders from the pile and throw it in the trash.
Those people have bad luck. We don't want people with bad luck.
They say it takes talent to keep making movies after 50
Apparently they haven't said this to Steven Seagal
It only takes one drink to get me drunk...
and that one that does it usually hits me after i've had about five.
It takes two to tango
But it takes nine to line dance
It usually only takes me one drink to get completely wasted
I just can't remember if it's the 16th or the 17th
It takes a Pyrus to make a pair.
Editor's note: I thought of that when I was driving, thinking of my other half.
It takes guts to be a forensic scientist.
A lot of guts. Everywhere.
It takes a lot of nails to put together a crib
But it only takes one screw to fill it
I got takeout Indian food and realized when I got home that they forgot about the bread.
It was a naan issue.
What takes more dark loads than a washing machine?
A Kardashian.
It takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something.
I've done the maths. I'm amazing at unemployment.
It always takes me so long to get home through the red light district
I get stuck in s**... traffic for hours
It takes a big man to accept when he is wrong
It takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Do you know why it takes one s**... out of a million to fertilize one egg?
Because no man will stop and ask for directions...
It takes me two beers to get drunk
The 13th and the 14th
What takes 99 steps and goes *thump*
A centipede with a pegleg
Everyone knows it takes ten tickles to make an Octopus laugh, but what do you call it when you're just trying out tickling?
Test tickles
It takes a lot of mental gymnastics
To consider chess as a sport
Who takes the pictures for fake news?
Who takes the pictures for fake news?
Fauxtographers.
given that it takes a village to raise a child,
no wonder King H and Queen Gertrude struggled with Hamlet
What's takeshi 6ix9ine's favourite chord?
A Minor
This one takes some thinking.
A guy takes his date to a dinner at the local country club. It's an unusual setup: People have to wait in separate lines for each type of food.
As his date sits down, the guy volunteers to go get their dinner. First he waits in the line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for potatoes. Then he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, and the gravy line. Finally he brings back two full plates of food.
What would you like to drink? he asks.
A glass of punch would be nice, she says. So he goes to get it. He scouts around and finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, and even a line for milk. But after a while he gives up and goes back to his table.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to master something.
If that's true I must be a expert at Abstinence. After all, I've been practicing it for over 160,000 hours and counting.
If it takes less than 2 minutes, do it now.
I never procrastinate jacking off
You know what really takes guts?
Digestion.
To everybody that takes black jokes so seriously...
Maybe you should lighten up a little.
Nobody takes my decision to be a comedian seriously.
Whenever I tell a joke people just laugh at me.
It takes one to know one.
This is especially true if you're a conjoined twin.
It only takes 3.5 to pleasure a woman.
It can be Visa, Master Card, or Amex.
It takes up to 5 minutes for Chloroform to work
And it takes additional applications for the desired outcome.
......talk about an awkward evening
It takes forever for Christmas to come...
...if you're a Muslim.
If it truly takes 10,000 hours to master something,
Then I only need to have s**... 599,999 more times to be an expert.
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!
Then silence.
A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!
A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?
What do you get if you take-away 3.14 from an opinion?
An onion.
It takes me a long time to open up to people
Even at the doctors. He's like "open wide and say ahhhhhh" and I'm like "can you give me a few?"
It takes some people ages to lose their virginity
Not me, I was done in about 12 seconds!
They say it takes 10,000 hours to truly master anything*
*Getting 8 hours of sleep not included
They say it takes 10 years of doing something to become a professional at it...
My wife begs to differ
If it takes 13 muscles to smile…
...and 33 muscles to frown, how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
She takes off her clothes I take off my clothes
She puts her clothes back on and we both leave the room
If it takes less than 5 minutes, do it right away
You won't believe how much s**... I am having since following this simple advice.
Takes me back to World War II.
Stalin: Knock knock
h**...: Who's there?
Stalin: Moscow
h**...: I don't get it
Stalin: Exactly.
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
It takes me 5 minutes to walk from my house to the bar, but 25 minutes to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
It takes guts to be an o**... donor.
And b**... to be a s**... donor.
What takes 3 years?
Making a successful post on my cake day!
It takes a big man to admit he's wrong,
but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Maybe it takes a village to raise a child...
I know it takes a vineyard to home school them.
It takes guts...
...to be an o**... donor.
It takes me five minutes to walk from my house to the pub. It takes me 35 minutes to walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
It takes 5 minutes for me to walk to my pub and 15 for me to walk back.
The difference is staggering.
Take-home final exam
Bill always had a problem with school. He suffered from a fear of tests. When a professor hands out tests, it was almost like his brain shut down. He couldn't remember anything.
One of his professors gave the students a take-home test and told them to bring it back the next week for their final grade.
Three days later they found Bill. He was wandering the street, clutching that test. He hadn't answered any of the questions. The moment the prof handed him the test to take home, he forgot where he lived.
If someone takes their watch off their arm and interlocks it with enough other watches to use it as a belt, what do you call it?
A waist of time.
It now takes a dollar more to pump up a tyre at the local garage
I guess it's due to inflation
It takes me 5 minutes...
It takes me five minutes to walk from my house to the pub. But, it takes me 35 minutes to walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
It takes a big man to admit when they're wrong
And an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
It takes me 5 minutes to get to the bar.
But it takes me 45 minutes to get back.
The difference is staggering.
I'll see my self out. :)
Do you know what it really takes to float my boat?
28 inches of water
It takes a pretty twisted person to mock an amputee.
Honestly, just try putting yourself in their shoe.