a retail store
On the Breast of a woman named Gale
was tattooed the price of her tail
and on her behind
for the sake of the blind
was the same information in braile.
He sure wags his tail a lot…
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down.
This goes on for awhile before his wife yells from the front door, "you need more tail!"
The father turns to his son and says, "I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite."
All birds have tail feathers that help them fly called pinions. Crows have 3 pinions and ravens have 4. The difference is just a matter of a pinion.
Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.
I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight.
They've been sizing each other up for hours.
Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"
Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."
Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"
Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."
Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"
Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."
Credit goes to my mother for this one.
And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.
Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.
This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.
I said to the guy, "I need something for a wedding."
"What's that?" he queried.
"A woman that really loves me." I wept, leaving the shop.
Maybe it's just an old wives tail.
...he picks his guide dog up by the tail and starts to swing it around his head. "Can I help you!?" Asks the shop assistant. "No thanks" said the man, "I'm just looking around."
The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"
The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"
The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts furiously licking it off, meowing loudly. "See - he does it voluntarily and with songs!"
Suit yourself.
...and ended up in a little old lady's back garden. The lady had never seen an elephant before, so she rang the police.
"Please come quickly," she said to the policeman who answered the phone. "There's a strange looking animal in my garden picking up cabbages with its tail."
"What's it doing with them?" asked the policeman.
"If I told you," said the old lady, "you'd never beleive me!"
An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.
"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."
The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF bombers and their escorts."
"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.
The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.
"You were going a little fast there," the officer says "but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over for beers and cards, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself."
The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied "Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a state trooper. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the rearview, I could have sworn you were bringing her back."
The officer paused for a moment and said "Have a nice day and drive safe."
It's nothing without its tail.
Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer.
Thank you. I'll be here all week.
...and during the movie the dog howled with laughter at the jokes, wagged his tail merrily and at the end put his paws together and applauded. The movie staff saw this and were bewildered so after the movie one of the ushers approached the man and said to him, "We were all amazed, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie." And the man said, "I know, it's so weird! He hated the book."
He picks the dog up by the tail and starts swinging it around his head.
The manager runs to him and asks what he's doing...?
"Just having a look around thanks" he replies.
What are you doing?! shouts the barman.
Just having a look around
"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend.
"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters.
"Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."
...so he tried cutting the tail off one horse. This was no good because the tail grew right back. Then he cut the mane off the other horse. This didn't work either, because the mane grew back. Finally he measured them and found that the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.
The officer approaches the driver of the vehicle and asks how long he has been driving with a broken tail light. Without answering the question the driver jumps out of his car, runs to the rear of his vehicle and groans. Seeing he was upset the officer tried to cheer him up slightly "come on now, don't take it so hard. Its not that serious."
"It isn't?" Replied the driver, "then do you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
He grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging it around his head.
The shop assistant, baffled, approaches the man and asks if everything's ok.
"Fine", replies the blind man.
"I'm just looking around".
Roxy, a large black Labrador, was sitting up in his seat at the movies, wagging his tail, growling at the villain and barking excitedly at the hero's escapades. The woman in the seat behind him was intrigued.
Excuse me, she said, tapping Roxy's owner on the shoulder, that dog is extraordinary. I've never seen anything like it!
Yes, he's surprised me, too, said the owner. He hated the book.
Take him to WalMart. They are the largest retailer in the world.
To the retail store.
I woke up exhausted.
He was given a fitting eulogy.
Note: this joke is not originally in English.
Two friends, Jack and Joe, buy two horses. But they can't seem to tell them apart.
After some thinking, Joe has an idea.
-Hey Jack, how about I cut an ear of my horse. So we'll know which is mine.
So he cuts the horses ear off, but during the night two horses got in a fight and the one with one ear bites an ear off the other one.
The next morning Jack says:
-I'll cut my horses tail off, then we'll now the diffidence.
So he cuts it off. Next night two horses get in another fight and the tailless one bites the tail off the other one.
The next morning, Jack and Joe are carefully locking at their horses (probably thinking what else to cut off) when Jack says:
-You know what Joe, I think the white one one is just a little bit bigger than the black one.
He then picks up the dog by it's tail and spins it around over his head. The bartender exclaims "What on earth are you doing?!" The blind man replies "Oh, I'm just looking around."
She is quite distressed. So the farmer next door says "Why not cut ones tail off" So she does that. The next day the other horse gets its tail cut on barbed wire and it tears off in the same place.
The girl is still distressed and then she cuts ones ear off to tell them apart. Then the other horse gets its ear cut off on barbed wire
Then the farmer next door says you should measure them. The girl does that and is finally happy.
The farmer says how did it go and the girl replies "The white one is 12 inches taller then the black one!"
She's holding a paper bag. She climbs up on the bar and holds up the bag.
"Any of you guys guess what's in this bag gets some tail!"
There's an uncomfortable silence until a smartass in the back yells "Yeah! Is it an elephant?"
"Close enough, let's go."
A purrrrricane
licked my face and wagged her tail!
Lots of tail, and 50% chance of getting head
Looks like we got a tail.
The retail store
I work in a gift-shop up in southeast Alaska. Our store is right under a tree that houses a family of angry crows. Tourists often ask me how I can tell the difference between ravens and crows. I tell them this:
"All birds have specialized tail feathers that help with flight in Alaska's thin, cold air. These feathers are called pinions. If you look closely you can tell that ravens have four of these feathers while crows only have three. I guess you could say it's just a matter of a pinion."
There is nothing left too loose.
Two blonds who loved horse riding had been begging their parents to get them a horse each for a long time, and in the end the parents give in.
The two blonds wants to be able to distinguish which horse belongs to whom.
The first blonde says: "Let's cut off the tail off on one of the horses, that way we can tell the difference!"
They agree, and proceed to do so, however after a week the tail has grown back out, and they agree they need a more permanent solution.
The other blonde suggests: "Let's shave all the hair off one horse"
They do so, but they encounter the excact same problem that the hair grows back out really fast.
After a while of brainstorming one of the blondes says: "I guess we will have to sell one of them and get another"
The second blonde says: "Which one should we sell? The black or the white one?"
...and felt a bump. He got out of his car quickly and looked to see what he'd hit. Turned out, he'd ran over a cat's tail, and it had come off! He started to panic. What would the owner do? He scooped up the tail-less cat and kicked the tail into a bush, hoping no one would notice.
He ran to his friend for help, asking "What am I going to do? Should I take her to the vet?" to which the friend replied, "No. Take her to Wal-Mart."
"What? Why?!"
"Because," his friend said, "they're the biggest retailers in Canada!"
(For people in other countries: replace Canada with your country)
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
The man was never very good at anything.
He had no talents apart from his ability to notice things when he was drunk.
He decided to become a detective.
On his first day he came across a dead body , but he could not make head or tail of the situation.
So he proceeded to ask his colleague , Here's the dead body. Where's tequila ?
At the re-tail store!
There's 3, 4, and 5 playing pin the tail on the donkey. 8, 9, and 0 are chasing a ball around. Everyone is laughing and having a great time.
Except for little 2. Alone he sits in the corner quietly watching everyone play. After some time he says, too quietly for anybody to hear, "would anyone like to play?". But no one hears him. All the numbers keep carrying on and having a great time. Quietly he says again, "would anyone like to play?". But again, no one hears him.
Later on he says to his mum, "mum why can't I play with the other numbers?". And his mother just looks at him and shakes her head. "Because, son, you're not a loud two."
Ereptile Dysfunction
Tide!
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
All of a sudden he grabs the dog by the tail and start spinning it around over his head. Horrified, a shopkeeper rushes over to him and says sir, sir are you OK?
The blind guy says sure, I'm just looking around.
An ouroboris
He cut the guy some slacks
A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.
After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite!"
when a cop pulls her over for the tail light being broken. The cop approaches the car when he hears rumbling from the truck. "What's in the trunk, please open it? Said the cop. So the blond reluctantly opens the truck and there are 3 penguins sitting there. The cop says, "Why do you have 3 penguins in your trunk? I will give you a warning for your tail light only if you take them to the zoo immediately!" "Ok, ok right away," replied the blond.
The next day the cop sees the same car driving with the same tail light broken. So the cop pulls over the blond again. He approaches the car and hears rumbling from the truck again. "Miss, open your trunk!" The blond confusingly opens the trunk and there are 3 penguins with sun glasses on. "Ma'am, I told you specifically to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday. Why do you still have them?"
The blond said, "What do you want, I took them zoo and now I'm taking them to the beach."
He was just chasing tail.
It was looking for a retail store.
An elephant escapes from a zoo and ends up in a little old ladies vegetable garden and starts munching. Having never seen an elephant in her life, she freaks out and calls the police.
"There's a giant creature in my yard and it's pulling out my vegatables with it's tail!"
"What's it doing with them?"
"If I told you, you'd never believe me!"
They only have one tail.
He didn't live to tell the tail.
I was going 15 over the limit in the fast lane and being tailgated so I moved to the slow lane. The car behind continued to stay on my bumper. I couldn't shake him and was becoming very annoyed.
He looked so ridiculous with his flashing lights and his annoying siren.
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