a retail store
On the Breast of a woman named Gale
was tattooed the price of her tail
and on her behind
for the sake of the blind
was the same information in braile.
He sure wags his tail a lot…
Cop: Your back tail light is out
Husband: I didn't know. I'll get it fixed tomorrow.
Wife:I told you two days ago to get it fixed.
Cop: Sir, your license is also expired.
Husband: I didn't realize that.
Wife: I told you last week that the state sent you a letter about that.
Husband: Honey, can you keep your damn mouth shut ?
Cop: Does your husband always talk to you like that ?
Wife: No. Only when he's drunk.
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down.
This goes on for awhile before his wife yells from the front door, "you need more tail!"
The father turns to his son and says, "I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite."
All birds have tail feathers that help them fly called pinions. Crows have 3 pinions and ravens have 4. The difference is just a matter of a pinion.
What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?
A sailor says, I'd step on it
A soldier says I'd report it to my CO
A marine says I'd catch it, cut off it's tail and eat it!
An airman responds I'd pick up the phone and call room service and ask why's there a fucking tent in my room
Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.
The bartender begins to greet him, but is shocked to see the man grab the dog by the tail, and swing it around his head.
"What the fuck are you *doing?!*" the barman cries. The blind man shrugs.
"Just having a look around."
I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight.
They've been sizing each other up for hours.
Most times you get an onion with a tail. But every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.
Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"
Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."
Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"
Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."
Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"
Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."
Credit goes to my mother for this one.
And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.
Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.
This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.
I said to the guy, "I need something for a wedding."
"What's that?" he queried.
"A woman that really loves me." I wept, leaving the shop.
Maybe it's just an old wives tail.
...he picks his guide dog up by the tail and starts to swing it around his head. "Can I help you!?" Asks the shop assistant. "No thanks" said the man, "I'm just looking around."
The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"
The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"
The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts furiously licking it off, meowing loudly. "See - he does it voluntarily and with songs!"
Suit yourself.
...and ended up in a little old lady's back garden. The lady had never seen an elephant before, so she rang the police.
"Please come quickly," she said to the policeman who answered the phone. "There's a strange looking animal in my garden picking up cabbages with its tail."
"What's it doing with them?" asked the policeman.
"If I told you," said the old lady, "you'd never beleive me!"
After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.
The wolf turns to the moose and says "Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It's been a couple days without food. You understand, right?"
The moose says "Yeah, I guess you're right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but I've never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?"
The wolf says "Of course"
So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail. Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.
The wolf is killed instantly. The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says "I don't even know why the hell I looked. I can't even read."
An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.
"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."
The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF bombers and their escorts."
"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.
The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.
"You were going a little fast there," the officer says "but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over for beers and cards, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself."
The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied "Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a state trooper. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the rearview, I could have sworn you were bringing her back."
The officer paused for a moment and said "Have a nice day and drive safe."
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"
A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"
The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.
The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
It's nothing without its tail.
THE RETAIL STORE!
When the lion's tail goes up, the monkey jumps down and fucks the lion up the ass. The lion wakes up and chases the monkey through the jungle, the monkey dives through a row of trees and lands in the lobby of a big hotel.
He picks up a newspaper and covers his face as if to read it. The lion comes through, roaring, Did anybody see a monkey come in here? From behind the paper the monkey yells, The one that fucked the lion up the ass? The lion roars back, Holy shit! It's in the paper already?
Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer.
Thank you. I'll be here all week.
Suddenly Satan himself jumps out in front of the car, gets on the bonnet and starts waving his genitals and twirling his tail, screaming obscenities.
One nun says to the other nun. "Sister, it's Satan, what shall we do?" The second nun says "Have faith in Jesus The Redeemer, show him your cross."
The nun gets out of the car approaches Satan and says "GET OFF THE FUCKING BONNET YOU COMPLETE TWAT".
(I'll get my coat)
...and during the movie the dog howled with laughter at the jokes, wagged his tail merrily and at the end put his paws together and applauded. The movie staff saw this and were bewildered so after the movie one of the ushers approached the man and said to him, "We were all amazed, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie." And the man said, "I know, it's so weird! He hated the book."
He picks the dog up by the tail and starts swinging it around his head.
The manager runs to him and asks what he's doing...?
"Just having a look around thanks" he replies.
The monkey thinks to himself: *That's a big lion, if I fuck this lion up the ass, I'll be the king of the jungle.*
When the lion's tail goes up, the monkey jumps down and fucks the lion up the ass. Furious, the lion chases the monkey through the jungle. The monkey dives through a row of trees and comes upon a clearing in the jungle. He sits down on a log, picks up a newspaper and covers his face as if to read it. Moments later, the lion comes through, roaring, Did anybody see a monkey come in here? From behind the paper the monkey yells, The one that fucked the lion up the ass?
The lion roars back, Holy shit! It's in the paper already?
He picks the dog up by the tail and starts swinging it in a circle over his head. The bartender says, "What the hell are you doing?" The blind man says, "Oh, just takin' a look around."
He looks at the elephant quizzically, turns to his mother and says "Mummy, I know that the long dangly thing at the front is his trunk, and the long dangly thing at the back is his tail, but what is that long dangly thing in between his legs?" Flustered the mother brushes off the question saying "Oh, that's nothing dear"
Not satisfied with the answer he approaches his father with the same question, his father replies "well that's his penis". The sons thinks about this for a second and says " Mummy said it was nothing" and the father replies "your mother is spoiled".
"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend.
"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters.
"Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."
What are you doing?! shouts the barman.
Just having a look around
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Tail? Well, here are the best Tail dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Tail pick up lines to share with friends.