table Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious table puns

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

👍🏼

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

👍🏼

A wife yells at her husband

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The fucking autopsy."

👍🏼

A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

👍🏼

How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

👍🏼

A man brings home flowers to his wife

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"

His wife replies "For the flowers of course"

He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"

👍🏼

A cat walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

👍🏼

Jesus walks into a restaurant...

And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"

Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."

Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"

👍🏼

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

👍🏼

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: A table for 26, please.

Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.

Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.

👍🏼

A mummy calls a restauraunt.

- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

👍🏼

How to be insulting

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

👍🏼

I met this girl the other day and she

took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! she exclaimed Quick, use the backdoor .

Now it's at about this time I probably should have left.....
......but you just don't get an offer like that every day.

👍🏼

A man cheats with his wife's sister

Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!

Wife: You slept with my sister!

Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!

Wife: The autopsy!

PS: Didnt make this up

👍🏼

A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life...

Doctor: Give your husband viagra.

Lady: I can't, he hates pills.

Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.

Next week she returns, unhappy.

Doctor: Was it good?

Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and fucked me on it right then and there.

Doctor: Well, then what's wrong?

Lady: I'll never be able to show my face at Starbucks again.

----

👍🏼

Nice Legs..

A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

👍🏼

A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.

"What?" says the woman.

👍🏼

So I picked up this girl the other day.....

and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" .

Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.

👍🏼

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding. She kicked over the table, stormed out of the room and shouted that she's never...

...playing Scrabble with me again.

👍🏼

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

👍🏼

Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".


She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".


The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".

👍🏼

Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...

His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."

Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

👍🏼

A boy comes home from school at 7pm

His dad says "where were you?
"I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing?"
"We were studying."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."
Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're fucking donuts."

👍🏼

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

👍🏼

An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night.

And brought it to a table of friends.

👍🏼

Old blonde joke.

A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.
"What's wrong, dear?" He asks
Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger."
He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, "sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box."

Ba dum-tiss

👍🏼

"What makes you qualified to be a waiter"

I feel like I bring a lot to the table

👍🏼

A banker, a worker and an immigrant

An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".

👍🏼

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

👍🏼

My wife hates me for having sex with her sister

I got home the other day from work and my wife says "you fucking son of a bitch" and asked what I had done.

Wife: You had sex with my sister you asshole!

Me: Look honey I got into my office in work and there she was lying naked on the table, what should I have done?

Wife: The autopsy

👍🏼

What is a pirate's favorite element in the periodic table?

Gold. Why the fuck would a pirate need Argon?

👍🏼

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

👍🏼

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

👍🏼

A man comes home from work...

A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.

She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"

He replies "Well she was lying on the table, naked, and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"

"Perform the autopsy."

👍🏼

philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!"

The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher.

"Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."

👍🏼

What are the most funny Table jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Table? Well, here are the best Table dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Table pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes