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Table Jokes

165 table jokes and hilarious table puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about table that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Table Jokes bring humor to the periodic table and beyond. Enjoy a laugh with family and friends as you pass around jokes about the elements, pool tables, cafés and restaurants, and jokes about who gets to "own" the room.

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Funniest Table Short Jokes

Short table jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The table humour may include short column jokes also.

  1. I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
  2. I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
  3. What do you call an i**... Italian immigrant? an imPASTA!
  4. Two Karens are out having dinner The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"
  5. What's green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table.
  6. A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining And says "ladies, is anything ok?"
  7. Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant. Jesus: A table for 26, please.
    Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.
    Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.
  8. Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant "Table for twenty-six, please."
    "There's only thirteen of you."
    "Yes, but we all like to sit on the same side."
  9. These times are harder on people with disabilities. My dwarf friend is struggling to put food on the table
  10. An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night. And brought it to a table of friends.

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Table One Liners

Which table one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with table? I can suggest the ones about tile and panel.

  1. Batman: *buys catwoman a drink* Catwoman: *slowly knocks it off of the table*
  2. What would two termites order at a restaurant? Table for 2
  3. People say being a waiter is a bad job... ... but, hey, it puts food on the table.
  4. What's green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table
  5. being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job but at least it puts food on the table
  6. "What makes you qualified to be a waiter" I feel like I bring a lot to the table
  7. Why do midgets make bad parents? Cause they struggle to put food on the table
  8. Hellen Keller walks into a bar. And then a table, and then a stool.
  9. What is big green and fuzzy and kills you when it falls out of a tree? A pool table
  10. Three database engineers walk into a bar… … they couldn't find a table.
  11. I never thought I'd buy into Feng Shui But oh how the tables have turned.
  12. Arthur: "That's a nice round table. Who built that?" Knight: "Sir Cumference"
  13. Who build King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference
  14. A waiter checks on a table of Jewish mothers and asks: Is anything ok?
  15. Why did the girl get the waitress job? You could say she brings a lot to the table....

Dinner Table Jokes

Here is a list of funny dinner table jokes and even better dinner table puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Yesterday at the dinner table my dad asked me, "are you even listening to me?" weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
  • A toast Wife at the dinner table: Please toast some bread for me.
    The lazy husband raised his wine glass and said, "To bread."
  • I was having dinner .. .. .. with Garry Kasporov
    and on the table was a checkered tablecloth.

    It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.
  • After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table... I needed a running start, but I did it!
  • What's the worst part of thanksgiving dinner in Alabama? Having to sit around a table with all the people you've slept with.
  • I remember when I was a kid, at dinner my parents gave me a knife and fork, so I'd bang them on the table.. ..We were quite an incestuous family.
  • Why don't Jedi parents let their kids use the Force at the dinner table? Like any other parents, they believe children should not be Force-fed.
  • My mom keeps asking me who made a mess at the dinner table I spilled the beans
  • What did the termite eat for dinner? A table for two.
  • A 7 y/o asks his mom at the dinner table... "Mom?"
    "Yes, honey?"
    "I can be whatever I want to be right?"
    "Yes, dear."
    "Then can I be a carnivore?"
    "...Eat your vegetables."

Periodic Table Jokes

Here is a list of funny periodic table jokes and even better periodic table puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How often do scientists check the element table? Periodically...
  • What's another name for the Periodic Table of elements? The atoms family.
  • A man recently died after a periodic table display fell on him... The official cause of death was, "Exposure to the Elements".
  • A Halloween Limerick A lady vampire named Mable
    Had a period that was awfully stable.
    So once a full moon
    She took out her spoon
    And drank herself under the table.
  • I auditioned for a musical about the periodic table I got the lead role!
  • Periodic table jokes are the best. But only when I'm in my element.
  • How often do scientists reference the Table of Elements? Periodically.
  • Breaking: scientists sneak up on periodic table And add the element of surprise
  • Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table... Because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
  • Chuck Norris joke cause it's been a long time. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Table joke, Chuck Norris joke cause it's been a long time.

Table And Chairs Jokes

Here is a list of funny table and chairs jokes and even better table and chairs puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair.
  • A blind man once walked into a bar. And into a chair.
    And into a table.
    And into a person.
  • It's my cake day or something, Here's a dad joke :) A blind man walks into a bar,
    And then a table,
    And then a chair.
  • Helen Keler walked into a bar then a table.....then a chair.
  • The most beautiful woman I've ever seen came up to my table in a restaurant and asked me if I'm single... I happily replied,
    "Yess..."
    She took away the extra chair in front of me.
  • A blind guy walks into a bar... ...then a table, then a chair, then another chair...
  • Stevie Wonder walks into a bar... And a table, and a chair.
  • A blind man walks into a bar Three tables, two chairs and the wall
  • I was at a restaurant... A girl came over to me and asked "are you single? So I excitedly replied "Yes!"
    So she took the extra chair from my table.
  • A blind man walks into a bar Then into the priest, the rabbi, the minister, then into a table and into a chair.

Element Table Jokes

Here is a list of funny element table jokes and even better element table puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Which element of the Periodic Table is the poorest? Antimony. ^I'm ^so ^sorry...
  • What does AH stand for in the Periodic Table? The Element of Surprise
  • The periodic table just got one block smaller Scientists now say Plutonium is not a real element
  • If I was an element on the Periodic Table... ...I'd be a noble gas. I don't form bonds easily, if at all.
  • I just noticed the Periodic Table has been updated recently. Welcome #119- "AH"! The element of surprise!
  • Why is the element Ah always so hard to find on the periodic table? It's the element of surprise.
  • Why must aspiring ninjas study the periodic table? To master the element of surprise! - haha happy Saturday 🙂
  • What do you say when leaving the Periodic Table of Elements' police station? Cu Copper.
  • What element in the Periodic Table of Elements can you not take seriously? Silly-con!
  • What's after the last element on the periodic table AH- the element of surprise

Pool Table Jokes

Here is a list of funny pool table jokes and even better pool table puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell from a tree it would kill you? A pool table.
  • Why do elephants wear green shoes? So they can sneak across pool tables.
    Have you ever seen an elephant sneaking across a pool table?
    Works, doesn't it?
  • Yo momma is so dumb That she tried to drown herself on a pool table
  • Q: What's green, has six legs, and if it drops out of a tree onto you will kill you? A: A pool table.
    Bonus Joke!!!
    Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Doesn't matter, he won't come.
  • What is green and it hurts very much if it falls on your head? A pool table.
  • What's green, has 4 legs, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
  • What's green and fuzzy What's green, fuzzy and would kill you if it fell out of a tree.

    A Pool Table
  • What's green got 6 legs and if it falls out of a tree it'll kill you ? A pool table
  • Q: What is green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
    A: A pool table.
  • What is green fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.!!
Table joke, What is green fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

Cheerful Table Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!

What funny jokes about table you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sheet jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make table pranks.

I was b**... this h**... on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the b**...!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he f**...?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.

"What's wrong, dear?" He asks
Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger."
He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, "sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box."
Ba dum-tiss

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.
"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.
"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".

A teacher said to her class, "Suppose you were all millionaires, write what you would do"...

Everyone immediately began to write furiously, except little Johnny, who kicked back and put his feet on the table. The teacher walked over to him. "Why aren't you writing Johnny?" she asked. Johnny looked up. "I'm waiting for my secretary."

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

Too Shy!!!

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine.

Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."

Two men sit down at a restaurant.

A waitress comes to their table and takes their drink order. When she returns a few minutes later with their beverages, she finds them both eating sandwiches out of paper bags. "Hey!" she says, "you can't eat your own food here!" So they trade sandwiches.

A man walks into a bar and sees h**... and Stalin...

A man walks into a bar and sees h**... and Stalin sitting at a table. He walks up to them and asks what they are doing. h**... says were planning WW3. The man asks what's going to happen this time. h**... says this time were going to kill 15 million Jews and a bicycle repair man. The man asks why a bicycle repair man. h**... turns to Stalin and says see I told you know one would care about the 15 million Jews.

How to be insulting

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

A Mexican goes to a Chinese restaurant...

He sits down at his table, and notices a small bottle of black liquid on his table. He picks it up and looks at the label and says, "yes, you are."

My Wife and I Were Sitting at a Table

At her high school reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging a beer as he sat at a nearby table.
I asked her "Do you know him?"
"Yes" she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago & he hasn't been sober since.
"WOW" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for so long?!?"
And that's when the fight started....

A joke most likely to get me banned by Ellen Pao

So, a man walks into a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
The flattered woman replies, "You really think so?"
The guy says, "Oh of course! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."
I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.
I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"
"You wanna buy it?"

A banker, a worker and an immigrant

An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Jesus walks into a restaurant...

And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"
Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."
Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"

A mummy calls a restauraunt.

- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

A man comes home from work...

A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.
She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"
He replies "Well she was lying on the table, n**..., and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"
"Perform the autopsy."

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"
The man says, "I should have taken the money."

Two blonde girls are celebrating at a table...

The waiter comes by and asks "What are you celebrating?"
They say "We finished this puzzle in only 6 months! And the box says from 2 to 4 years!"

A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.
"What?" says the woman.

A man brings home flowers to his wife

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.
Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"
His wife replies "For the flowers of course"
He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"

Two scientists walk into a bar...

The first one says, "I'd like some H2O."
The second says, "And I'll have some H2... wait. Why aren't you just referring to water by its normal name? I mean, I know it's our job, but we're just getting a drink."
The first scientist slams the table angrily, for his assassination scheme had been foiled.

A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...

She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm n**...."
She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.
Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"
It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.

A man cheats with his wife's sister

Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!
Wife: You slept with my sister!
Man: When i got to work she was just laying there n**... on my table! What was I supposed to do?!
Wife: The autopsy!
PS: Didnt make this up

A Blonde Tries To Solve A

A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"

A father was sitting at the table with his two daughters

Petal and Fridge.
Petal said, "Dad, why is my name Petal?"
Her dad answered, "Because a flower petal was the first thing to fall on you when you were born."
Then Fridge said, "HUURRGRRUWAHGUWAAAAAH!"

Catholic

Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."

What did Jesus say right before the last supper?

Everybody get on this side of the table if you want to be in the picture.

I went to a restaurant.

Every table was occupied with couples,
there was no seat vacant.
I took out my phone and said loudly
"Dude, your girlfriend is here with someone else. Come here fast."
9 girls left their seats for me.

I went to a bar last night

and I saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said "Wow, great legs."
She giggled and said "Really?"
I said "Yea, most tables would've collapsed by now."

God is watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples

Jesus and the 12 apostles walk into a restaurant

and Jesus says to the waiter:
-- Table for 26 please.
-- But there's only 13 of you?
-- Yeah, but we wanna sit all on one side.

I was amazed

As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.

A cat walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of r**...."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

I waved the waitress over to our table.

I said, "Could you get the bill for us?"
She said, "Absolutely."
I said, "Thanks. We're kind of broke."

A resourceful woman...

A woman gets into a very busy restaurant around lunch time.
She is told the next available table would be free in an hour.
She holds her phone to her ear, and with a loud voice says:
"*Honey, you won't believe it, but your husband is having lunch with his girlfriend at so-and-so restaurant*"
Half the diners instantly get up and rush to the exit..

Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...

His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."
Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

Which knight did King Arthur leave in charge of constructing the round table?

Sir Cumference

I went to a pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table...

I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

One day, Obi-Wan and Luke visit a Chinese restaurant...

Obi-Wan is eating normally, but Luke is having so much trouble with the chopsticks he's spilling the food all over the table.
Eventually, Obi-Wan becomes angry and says, "Use the forks, Luke!"

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:
"Table for 8, please"
"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"
"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"
He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
"0, 1, 2, 3..."

A man walks into a bar and sees h**... and Stalin.

A man walks into a bar and sees h**... and Stalin at a table. He asks them what they were doing and was told that they were planning WW3.
h**... says, "We are going to kill 15 million jews, and a bicycle repairman."
The man, confused asks, "Why the bicycle repairman?"
h**... turns to Stalin and tells him, "See? I told you no one would care about the 15 million Jews!"

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding. She kicked over the table, stormed out of the room and shouted that she's never...

...playing Scrabble with me again.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please."

"But you're only 13"
"Yes, but we're all going to sit on one side."

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."

A guy visits his favorite d**...

He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.
She makes him s**... and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.
She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.
Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!
She says This sub really loves reposts.

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, m**...?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

I used to sell home security systems.

It was super easy.
I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.
The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."
"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.
"But why?" the bartender asks.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.

An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband

"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably n**... as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get n**... again for old time's sake?"
So they s**... off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my n**... are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."
I asked her: "What do you think it means?"
She smiled and said: "I don't know..."
Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.
I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

So I was having s**... with this woman...

I had her bent over her kitchen table, giving it to her good. When all of a sudden we heard a car door slam out front.
Oh god, she said, it's my husband. Quick, use the back door!
Well, I probably should have left at that point, but it's not an offer you get everyday...

A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?

A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
The girl answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you!!"
All the people in the library started staring at the boy and he was embarrassed.
After a few minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said to him," I study psychology and I know what man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy responded with a loud voice,"$300 for one night. That's too much!!"
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make someone guilty."

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, Do you know her?

Yes, sighs the husband. She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
My God! says the wife. Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

A world renowned chemist dies.

A world renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be included with his body. They go to his wife and ask "Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?
To which she replies
"No, just Barium"

An old man is eating some breakfast at a diner when three bikers walk in.

The first biker puts out his cigarette in the old man's pancakes.
The second biker spits out his tobacco in the old man's coffee.
The third biker takes the entire meal and shoves it off the table.
The old man, without saying so much as a word, gets up, pays the waitress, and exits the diner. The bikers laugh and sit at the old man's table. "Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.
"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "That man just drove his 16-wheeler over three bikes."

I went to a restaurant and they asked me "Do you mind waiting a bit?"

"Not at all", I replied.
"Good", they said, while handing me some menus. "Take these to Table 11."

My husband asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.

I had to get a running start but I made it

Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I'd like to hear today's special.

I said yeah
He said, today is special.
I said, I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu please.
The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, sir the men I please is my own private business.
**EDIT**
Thank you for the awards!!

Table joke, Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I'd like to hear today's

jokes about table