Table And Chairs Jokes
83 table and chairs jokes and hilarious table and chairs puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about table and chairs that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Table And Chairs Short Jokes
Short table and chairs jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The table and chairs humour may include short chairs tables jokes also.
- A blind man once walked into a bar. And into a chair.
And into a table.
And into a person. - It's my cake day or something, Here's a dad joke :) A blind man walks into a bar,
And then a table,
And then a chair. - The most beautiful woman I've ever seen came up to my table in a restaurant and asked me if I'm single... I happily replied,
"Yess..."
She took away the extra chair in front of me. - I was at a restaurant... A girl came over to me and asked "are you single? So I excitedly replied "Yes!"
So she took the extra chair from my table. - A blind man walks into a bar Then into the priest, the rabbi, the minister, then into a table and into a chair.
- What do you call a couch, chair, and a table made out of plants? What do you call a couch, chair, and a table made out of plants?
Ferniture. - A blind man walks into a bar And into a chair . .
And a table . .
And another person . . - A person with multiple sclerosis walks into a bar... and a chair....
and a table...
and the wall...
...you get it. - I'm not clumsy It's just that the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies and the wall gets in the way.
- Alcohol doesn't make you FAT... it makes you LEAN... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people!
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Table And Chairs One Liners
Which table and chairs one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with table and chairs? I can suggest the ones about dining table and dinner table.
- A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair.
- Helen Keler walked into a bar then a table.....then a chair.
- A blind guy walks into a bar... ...then a table, then a chair, then another chair...
- Stevie Wonder walks into a bar... And a table, and a chair.
- A blind man walks into a bar Three tables, two chairs and the wall
- A blind man walks into a bar... ...and a table
...and a chair
...and people - Hellen Keller walks into a bar And a chair. And a table. And a wall.
- A blind man walked into a bar.. Then a table...then a chair
- Three blind priests walks into a bar And then the tables. And then the chairs...
- So Helen Keller walks into a Bar And a table, and a chair
- An alcoholic walks into a candy store... then a table, then a chair, floor.
- What do you call an Irishman who makes outdoor tables and chairs? Patty O'furniture.
- Why is the table always stoic? Because there was no chair attached.
- The Daredevil walks into a bar ...And the pool table ,
and the chair,
and the counter. - A blind man walked into a restaurant And a table and a chair and people.
Table And Chairs Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about table and chairs you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean talking tables jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make table and chairs pranks.
It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"
It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"
It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home.
It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts.
"I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That’s okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I’ve s**... the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway."
I was drinking my coffee in a coffeehouse when a beautiful girl came near my table and asked me:
"Are you alone?"
So I responded: "It's a long time that I'm alone."
"So do you mind me to take this chair?" said the girl.
I fainted...
Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye.
The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: Dear, breakfast is made. I've gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there's breakfast. Joe, he says to his son, what happened last night?
You came home s**... and got that black eye tripping over a chair.
So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?
Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to t**... clothes, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.....
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"
"I remember that, too" she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
A boy meets his girlfriend's parents for the first time...
they greet each other and sit down at the family table and begin to get to know each other. During the conversation, the boy feels something terrible brewing in his stomach and decides he can't hold it in anymore. he lets out a silent, but very smelly f**.... The Father gets a whiff of the f**..., stops mid-sentence and yells,
"Wilson!" while he stares at the dog who is sitting under the boy's chair.
"This is great!" the boy thought, i can f**... all I want and he'll blame it on the dog. A few minutes later the boy feels another f**... coming so he lets it rip. This time it was slightly audible.
"WILSON!" the dad yells, staring at the dog again.
At this point, the boy thinks it's hilarious that the dog gets blamed every time he decides to f**.... A few minutes pass and the boy feels the mother load of all farts coming on. He decides to let it rip as loud as he possibly could and the whole family fell silent when they heard it. The Father looks down at the dog and yells
"WILSON! Get out of there before that kid kills you!"
A man's wife has been getting onto him for drinking so much...
...but he decides to go out to the bar--just one last time--anyway. As it's his last there, he drinks excessively and gets even more plastered than usual.
The next morning, he wakes up in his own bed not really sure how he got there. Before opening his eyes, he starts imagining how infuriated his wife must be. But when he looks around, his wife isn't there. Instead, there's a hot breakfast on the end table next to a note wishing him a good day and expressing her love.
Suspicious, the man gets out of bed. He goes into the living room and sees a table and chair knocked on their sides and a couple pictures that had fallen off the wall. His son is sitting on the couch, so he asked him what happened.
"Well, Dad, you were pretty drunk when you came home last night," his son replies. "You stumbled in, knocked over the furniture and pictures until Mom woke up and helped you."
"Okay, but what's with the hot breakfast?" he asks. "Why isn't she yelling at me right now?"
"Oh," the son says. "When she tried to lead you into the bedroom, you said, 'No thanks, lady, I'm married.'"
Three learned gentlemen are discussing 'savoir faire'...(joke full of fuffery, told to me by a man who wore a fez all the time)
The first one takes a healthy belt of his brandy, leans back in his leather chair and says, "Mes amis! Savoir faire is something one does not learn easily. No sir! For example, a husband comes home earlier than he planned to. He opens the door and sees another man's coat hanging on the rack. Without a word, he heads out to the local bar and has a smoke and a drink and reads a good book, then returns home and gives his wife a passionate kiss. *That* is savoir faire!"
The second gentleman admires the amber color in his glass, puffs on his pipe and says, "No, no, here's what it is. A man comes home from work early. He heads up to his bedroom, opens the door, and he sees his wife in bed with another man. He waves nonchalantly and graciously says, '*continuez, monsieur!*' and walks around the block for an hour or two, smelling the crisp autumn evening. That, my friends, is savoir faire."
The third man rests his glass on the table and says, "Gentlemen. You've found yourself in a familiar situation. A glance across a crowded room, an accidental touch of the hand, and suddenly you're in bed with a woman you've just met. You hear footfalls on the stairs. The door opens and the woman's husband enters. He puts on his hat, gives a nonchalant wave of his hand and graciously says, '*continuez monsieur!*' And you are *able* to continue. That is savoir faire!"
Heard this one seems kind of old.
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in the Bozeman, Montana airport, while waiting for their respective flights...One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East ....Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. Finally, the American Indian clears his t**... and softly he speaks, 'At one time here... my people were many... but sadly, now we are few.' The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?' The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . . 'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'.
20 years
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'either you marry my daughter, or will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today."
Too Shy!!!
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine.
Mailman's last day on the job
A mailman is on his last day of the job after 20 years delivering the mail on the same route. He is going about his regular routine, when he is greeted at the door by a stunning blonde. She's wearing nothing more than a skimpy robe and beckons him inside. Without a word she leads him up the stairs and into the bedroom and proceeds to give him the best s**... of his life. After they both get dressed, she takes his hand and leads him downstairs. There is a gourmet meal prepared on the table and she pulls out a chair and indicates for him to sit down. Without a word he sits and they eat until they cannot eat another bite. He finishes eating and slumps back in his chair. The woman stands up and walks over to him, slipping a $1 bill in his front pocket. Bewildered the man finally asks "What in the world is all of this for?". The woman responds, "I heard it was your last day and asked my husband what we should do for you. He said 'Fuck him, give him a dollar'. The breakfast was my idea".
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
A joke fit for Viking Fest
Ole was on his death bed. The doctor had told Lena that he wouldn't last the night and he might as well die at home on his own bed. After a while, Ole's eyes flickered open and he sniffed the air and muttered "Lefsa. Oh, Lefsa." He worked his way to the edge of the bed and slipped to the floor. Sniffing the air and muttering, "Lefsa," he crawled to the stairs and half climbed, half fell downstairs. "Oh, Lefsa..." He crawled to the kitchen door. There, he saw Lena standing at the stove cooking Lefsa, with a stack of finished ones on the table. He crawled to the table and painfully pulled himself up on a chair murmuring "Lefsa." He was reaching out for one when Lena turned and saw him. She smacked his hand with the spatula and said, "Now, Ole, stop that! Those are for after the f**...."
Why did the couch give the table a dollar?
Because it was for chair-ity
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant...
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.
Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to Mary, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
Mary calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."
A drunk stumbles into the bar
Then a table, then a chair.
The Priest and the Politician
A priest and a politician arrived at Heaven's gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them to show them where their quarters would be.
First, he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the priest. And the politician was a little worried about what might be in store for him. And he couldn't believe it then when St. Peter stopped in front of a beautiful mansion with lovely grounds, many servants, and told him that these would be his quarters.
And he couldn't help but ask, he said, "But wait, how—there's something wrong—how do I get this mansion while that good and holy man only gets a single room?" And St. Peter said, "You have to understand how things are up here. We've got thousands upon thousands of priests. You're the first politician who ever made it.
A girl went to a doctor for a checkup....
During her annual checkup, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. Doctor… she replied shyly, I feel uncomfortable u**... in front of you. All right, said the physician, I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're done. A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness, Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with all my clothes? Put them on the chair, on top of mine.
Friend: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?
Wife: I couldn't lift the table.
Girl farts at the dinner table
A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:
-Rocky!!
The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more rip. The boy's father is getting nervous:
-Rocky!! be careful now!!
Worried no more the girl fires another one. Feeling exasperated, the boy's father yells:
-Rocky! Get out of there fast! She's gonna sh*t on you!
Lee Sin goes into a bar...
the chairs, tables and the barmaid.
A Instagram user walks into a bar...
A Instagram user walks into a #bar #pub #brewery #happyhour #bigplace #beer #night #party #fun #photography #conceptual #art #drink #peperoni #olives #lights #table #chair #followme
"Dad, could you lend me your chair? I'm fixing the table."
"Sorry, son. I'm not feeling particularly chairitable today."
Right Answer
Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: Dear, breakfast is made. I've gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there's breakfast. Joe, he says to his son, what happened last night?
You came home s**... and got that black eye tripping over a chair.
So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?
Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to t**... clothes, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'
A gost walks into a bar
Then through a wall, and a chair, and a table.
Not sure if this is a repost but I thought of it myself
I was sitting in a restaurant. A girl came to me and asked me if I was single...
I smiled and happily answered "yes I am!
So she took the chair that was in front of me and went back to her table with it..."
Jack woke up at home with a terrible hangover and black eye.
The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: Dear, breakfast is made. I've gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there's breakfast. Joe, he says to his son, what happened last night?
You came home s**... and got that black eye tripping over a chair.
So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?
Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to t**... clothes, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'
Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean...
against bars, tables, chairs, walls.
The other day, I ordered a table and chair, but the chair was never delivered.
I wasn't going to stand for it. I marched straight into the chairman's office and took a seat.
A guest calls the waiter and complains, How come there are no chairs at our table?!
The waiter shrugs, I'm sorry but you only booked one table…
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
How was your job interview yesterday?
Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting foron the table....
He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop...
He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "The wolf of wall street" movie...
So I took the laptop and left...
Left... ?? Then what ??
Nothing...
30 minutes later he called me up, begging me to return his laptop to him coz all his work and important documents were in it.....
So I asked him:
Will you buy it ??
What's in common between a chair and a table?
They are both not hummus
A friend told me this joke and I almost died...
A blind guy walks into a bar.
Then a chair.
Then a table.
Then a woman.
Then into the street, and gets but by a truck.
A blind man enters a bar...
Then enters a table, then enters the a chair...
Louise Braille walked into a bar...
Then a table, and then a chair.
so my parents were pointing around the house and they said disa chair, disa table, disa fridge....
Then they pointed at me and said disappointment
Three friends throw darts for high scores at a pub...
The first dude hits the 20 three times and calls: "SIXTY!"
The second one hits two darts in the 20 and one in the triple 20 and shouts: "ONE HUNDRED!"
When the third guy takes his turn, after throwing a 20 and a triple 20 the third dart deflects off the board and hits a nun sitting at the table next to it right at the temple. The woman immediately drops off her chair and the player goes: "ONE NUN DEAD AND EIGHTY!"
I literally just last week realized there is no such thing as "the heavy end" 🤦
I am a 28 year old male, and for as long as I can remember every time me and my dad move something, such as a chair, or a couch, or a coffee table, he said "alright I'll get the heavy end" and idk why I always just assumed he was being nice and getting the heavier side.
And it literally just occurred to me within the last few weeks when we picked something up, there's no heavy end. They're both the same weight 😭😭😭
Wife and chair
(In a courtroom, a judge is hearing a case of domestic a**...)
Judge: Mrs. Smith, why did you hit your husband with a chair?
Wife: (sobbing) I tried not to … but I couldn't lift a table.