tab Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious tab puns

A duck walks into a bar...

And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.

The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"

The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."

A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"

The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."


I'm going to open my own bar and call it "Chrome"

It will keep your tab open until you have no memory


An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Hobbit walk into a bar...

All three proceed to eat, drink and have a good time, slamming down pint after pint of ale until finally the pub was closing. The bartender asks them how he should split the tab as it was a pretty hefty sum.

"I got this," replies the Elf as he looks at the bill. "My two friends here are always a little short anyway."


A hippie sits down at a bar...

So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a blow job".

Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly.

A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much.

"Something about a job. "


A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".


A Greek, an Irishman and a Portuguese spend the evening drinking in a bar. Who picks up the tab?

The German.


A Norwegian Love Story

Max and Arlene lived by a lake in Norway. It was early winter and the lake had frozen over.

Max asked Arlene if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to get him some beer. She asked him for some money but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab."

So Arlene walked across, got the beer at the general store, and walked back home across the lake. When she got home and gave Max his beer, she asked him, "Max, you always tell me not to run up the tab at the store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Max replied, "I wasn't sure how thick the ice was yet."


My Late Grandfather's Favorite Joke: The proctologist and the cardiologist

A proctologist and a cardiologist are closing their tab.

The bartender brings the check.

The proctologist says "they're on me" while reaching into his shirt-pocket.

He proceeds to pull out a thermometer and exclaims, "Great, some *ass-hole* walked off with my pen"!


Two broke guys want to go drinking...

But they only have a few bucks between them. Finally one if the guys comes up with an idea. "All we need is a hotdog."

"A hotdog?" The other guy said.

"Here's what we do: when the bartender asks us to pay up I want you to stick the hotdog out of your pants and pretend it's your dick. I'll drop to my knees and start sucking the hotdog and the bartender will be so disgusted he'll kick us out and we won't have to pay the tab."

The other guy isn't so sure it's going to work but he really want to drink so he figures, why not?

So the two guys go to a bar and start drinking. Eventually the bartender demands that they pay up.

The guy drops to his knees and starts sucking on the other guys hotdog. The bartender yells, "wtf!? Get the fuck out of my bar!"

So the guys run out of the bar without paying. "Success!" One of the guys said.

They decide to go to another bar. Same thing happens. The bartender kicks them out and they don't pay a cent for their drinks.

The guys continue to do this all night long, but after the ninth bar one of the guys said, "man, I don't think I can do this anymore. I can barely walk. My knees are killing me."

The other guy replies, "your knees are killing you? After the second bar I lost the hotdog."


A duck, a deer, a skunk and an elephant are sitting in a bar

The end of the night rolls around and the waitress asks who is going to pay the tab.

The duck says that he can't pay because he only has one bill.

The deer says that she had a buck on her last night, but won't have any doe until spring.

The skunk says he can't pay because he only has one scent.

Finally, the elephant says "It's okay boys, the highballs are on me!"


From a Southwest Airlines employee

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to Chicago. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."


A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub and belly up to the bar. They all order pints of various beers and drink in silence. A moment later, three flies buzz in and land in each of their glasses.
The Englishman, quite plainly disgusted, pays his tab and leaves. The Scotsman gives the fly an inquisitive look and picks it out of his pint and flicks it in the floor. The Irishman scowls at the fly and picks it up by the wings and starts shaking it over his glass yelling,"Spit it out you bastard!"


Guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of the strongest whiskey...

He drinks it quickly and then looked in his wallet. He asks for a second shot and drinks it quickly again before looking into his wallet, again. He does this for about 5 times when the bartender said, "hey bud, easy with the shots, by the way, what are you looking at in you wallet, are you short on cash? I can open up a tab for you" The guy goes, "no, no, not at all, I have money, but thanks anyways." The bartender goes, "so why are you looking into your wallet after every drink?" The guy answers, "I was looking at a picture of my wife, I figure I can go home when she starts to look good."


Making a horse laugh...and cry

A man goes into a bar and racks up a substantial tab that he cannot pay for. The bartender tells him that if he can make a horse laugh, his drinks will be free, but it's never been done before. So the bartender watches as the man finds a horse and whispers in his ear, and to his surprise, the horse busts up laughing.

About a year later, the same man goes to the bar and is once again offered free drinks, but this time only if he can make the horse cry. Sure enough, the bartender once again sees the horse and the man together, this time with tears running down the horse's face.

The bartender says to the man, "ok, I gotta ask, how did you make the horse laugh last year?" He answers, "I told him my dick was bigger than his."

"Well, ok then, but how did you make him cry?"

The man answered, "I showed him."


A QA engineer walks into a bar, and orders a beer.

Then he orders 0 beers.

Then he orders 999999999999 beers.

Then he orders an aardvark.

Then he orders nothing.

Then he orders -1 beers.

Then he orders NULL beers.

Then he orders asnwikfjsdf.

Then he orders a ">.

Finally, the QA engineer leaves without paying, comes back, and asks for the tab.


A joke for Europe

A Greek, an Italian, and a Spaniard go into a bar and have an awesome time, ordering drinks till dawn. So who pays the tab?

A German.


A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling.

When he asked the bartender about it, the bartender said, If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are ok the house for the night. But if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next 2 hours. Do you want to try?

The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.


A drunk staggers into a bar...

and shouts out "A ROUND FOR EVERYONE!" Then he points at the bar keep and says "And one for you to!"

The bartender gladly makes everyone a drink and has one himself. But when he hands the drunk the tab the man just shrugs his shoulders and says "I don't have any money!"

The bartender grabs him by the shoulders and drags him outside and beats the shit out of him.

Well the next night, the same drunk comes back and again shouts out "A drink for everyone, and one for you to, bartender!"

The bartender things there is no way this guy is going to pull the same stunt twice so he pours everyone a round and has one himself. Again, when he presents the bill, the drunk doesn't have any money. And again the bartender kicks his ass and throws him out.

The next night the drunk comes back. "A round for everyone!" He points at the bartender "But nothing for you!"

"Oh yeah? Why don't I get one?"

"Cuz you're a mean drunk!"


3 Jokes about bars:


A duck walks into a bar.

He says "Give me a beer. Put it on my bill."


A typewriter walks into a bar.

He says "Give me a beer. Put it on my tab."


A skeleton walks into a bar.

He says "Give me a beer. Uh, and a mop."


A Guy/Gal walks into a bar with an Ostrich/Race-horse

A good-looking young man (or woman) and an ostrich (or racehorse) walk into a bar. The two sit down, order some nachos and wind up drinking a few beers by the end of the night. When it comes time to pay the tab, the (wo)man reaches into his/her pocket and dumps a slightly-crumpled mess of bills and change onto the bar.

"That should cover it." (s)he says. As the (wo)man walks away, the bartender counts it out and to her surprise, it's the exact total of the bill. Looking back up, she sees that the (wo)man has returned. (S)He once again reaches into his/her pocket and pulls out exactly 20% of the bill before tax.

"There ya go, sorry about that." (s)he says.

The bartender asks, "Mind if I ask you about the exact change and the ostrich(horse)?

"You see," (s)he says, "A long time ago, I was an archaeologist. While in arabia, I discovered a magical lamp with a genie inside who granted me 3 wishes. The first, obviously, was for eternal youth and fitness. Second, unlimited wealth- any time I buy something, I just reach into my pocket and pull out the exact amount of money. The third, well, the third wish was for a tall, youthful, long-legged(well-endowed) chick(stud) who would always stick by my side and share my interests."


A keyboard walks into a bar

He orders a round of drinks fir everyone. The bartender asks him how he will be paying for the drinks. The keyboard says "just put it on my tab."


A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink for everyone and one for the bartender

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink for everyone and one for the bartender. At the end of the night when the bartender asks him to settle up his tab, the guy says he has no money. So the bartender beats him up and kicks him out of the bar.

A month later the same man walks into the same bar and tells the bartender a round of drinks for everyone, including the bartender. Just like last time, the man has no money when it is time to settle his tab, so he gets his ass kicked again.

Just like clockwork, the same man walks into that same bar a month later and does it all over again - a round of drinks for everyone and the bartender but gets his ass kicked for not having any money.

The next time he goes back, he tells the bartender "a round of drinks for everyone, but not you. You get violent when you drink."


A Jew, a Muslim, and a Christian walk into a bar

And had a wonderful time together sharing drinks, paid their tab, and left. It was quite pleasant.


A guy walks into a bar...

.... with a giraffe.
They sit down at the bar and start drinking beer after beer and shot after shot.

Finally, the giraffe passes out and falls to the floor. The guy pays the tab and is just about to leave when the bartender says: "Hey! You gonna leave that lyin' there?" - "Not a lion, a giraffe!"


The Washington Capitals walk into a bar.

Everybody orders a drink. They all finish drinking and order another. The Bartender asks if they would like to start a tab. Ovechkin comes out and says, "No, thanks. We always stop at the second round."


an antisemitic walks into a bar

see's a guy with a yamaka hangs out with priest. To mess with him, the guy tells the bartender to give the priest a drink on him but not the Jew, and make sure he realizes it. The Jew sees the drink, smiles at the guy and keep talking to the priest.

The guy gets upset, tells the bartender to inform the priest, that he will pick up his tab till the rest of the night, and still give nothing to the Jewish guy. The Jew overheard the message, looks at the guy, smiles again and continue talking to the priest.

Now he's pissed off. He stands up and says: "ladies and gentlemen, everybody's drinks are on me, except for this guy" and points at the Jew. Everyone cheers him and the Jew starts laughing. So the guy asks the bartender: "Whats that guy's problem? Is he crazy or something?"

The bartender says: "No, that's the owner."


I broke some letters off my keyboard last night

My mood just shifted, there was no escape. I honestly just lost control. I need to alt-er these episodes of mine, these repair bills are building up quite a tab.


A Man and An Octopus Walk Into a Bar...

A man an an Octopus walk into a bar. They sit down and the man orders a beer. A few minutes go by and the bar tender says "I gotta ask, what's the deal with the Octopus?". The man replies "Well, he plays instruments". The bar tender laughs, to which the customer replies, "I bet you a free tab that this guy can play any instrument you have in this bar". The bartender agrees.

First the bartender points to the Piano. The Octopus plays the Piano. The bartender then goes into the back and brings out a Guitar. The Octopus successfully plays the Guitar. Next he brings out a small Drum kit, which the Octopus also plays. The man says "Alright, I win". The bartender shakes his head and goes into the back again. He pulls out a Clarinet, the Octopus manages to squeak out and Ode to Joy but he's not going to win any awards for it. Finally, the bartender pulls out a set of Bagpipes and places it on the bar. The Octopus just stares at them.

The man says, "You mean to tell me you can play the Piano, Guitar, Drums, Clarinet, but you can't play the Bagpipes?". The Octopus replies, "Play it? Hell mister, if I can figure out how to get its pajamas off, I'm going to have sex with it!"


A man and his Giraffe walk into a bar

So a man and a Giraffe walk into a bar, they stroll up to the bar and order a few drinks. Now after about an hour the Giraffe who has had far too much passes out, the man seeing this pays his tab and gets up to leave and the bar tender shouts: "Oi! You can't leave that lyin' there!" To which the man replys:

"That's not a Lion it's a Giraffe"



A parrot swallows a viagra tab. His owner,disgusted,puts him in the freezer to cool off. After 20 minutes, he opens the freezer to see the parrot sweatin."why r u sweating?", he asks. The Parrot replies,"Do u kno how fucking hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken!?"


So Bill Clinton, Bill Cosby and Bill Nye all walk into a bar...

They all finish their drinks and Nye says to the lady behind the bar I'll cover the tab these two will give you their tips.


A large group walks into a bar...

The first guy orders a shot of rum and asks the bartender to open a tab for him. The next person also asks for a shot of rum and asks the bartender to open a tab for her. The third person does the same. After the twentieth person in the row does the same thing, the bartender screams angrily, storms out of the bar, gets into his car, and immediately gets into an accident. A member of the group, confused, asks his friend what had just happened. He responds, "Well we had too many tabs open, and he ran out of rum, so he tried to force quit and ended up crashing."


A man walks into the sleaziest bar in town...

"I've had a rough day," he says. "Give me 40 shots of whiskey."

"40 shots?!" the bartender responds. That'll probably kill you!"

The man stares him down and says, "Is that a problem??"

The bartender stares at him back and says, "Only if you're planning on running a tab."


A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2018 SUPER BOWL!!!

...both are box seats. He paid $3,500 each & comes with a limo ride to the stadium, Dinner, $400 bar tab. Thing is he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his Wedding. If you're interested, he's looking for someone to take his place. It's at St Benedicts church in Avon, at 3pm. Her name is Sharon, she's 5'6 , about 135 lbs, great cook, loves to fish, hunt & clean your truck. She'll be in the white dress.


New cowboy in town

There's this cowboy that rides into town on his horse and heads for the saloon. He ties his horse outside, walks in and starts drinking at the bar. Now the townsfolk have a thing for pulling pranks on out of towners so they hide his horse. He finishes drinking, pays his tab, walks out to see that his horse is missing, walking back inside all eyes are on him.
He says, "Now whoever took my horse, best that you return him. I don't want to do what I did in the last town. Trust me it wasn't good. Now i'm going to have one more beer and by the time i'm done with it my horse better be outside where it last was."
Now the townspeople get scared and quickly return the horse. As he's saddling up about to ride away the bartender a little curious goes outside and ask him what happened in the last town.
"I had to walk home." He replies.
Would be a million times better if i had the old western dialog in it but still one of my favorite jokes.


What are the most funny Tab jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Tab? Well, here are the best Tab dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Tab pick up lines to share with friends.

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