System Jokes

What are some System jokes?

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

Why haven't Aliens visited our Solar System yet? ...

They looked at the reviews...
Only 1 star.

Why haven't aliens come to our solar system?

They checked our reviews.

One star.

Why don't aliens visit our solar system?

Terrible ratings. One star.

Americans do use the metric system...

Because they use 9mms at school.

I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system!

It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.

I painted my computer black so it would run faster.

Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work.

Now the whole system is corrupt.

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

Down with the metric system

No more foreign rulers!

Three Engineers are having an argument...

The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."

The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."

The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"

I like my girls like my file system...

FAT and 16.

What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?

Rename Uranus to Ouranus

I went online and rated our Solar System

Gave it one star.

My review of our solar system

1 Star.

The CEO of Pepsi was fired this morning.

They found trace amounts of Coke in *her system.

*I have to be factually correct.

It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system.

You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.

Why won't the US change over to the Metric system?

Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.

Today in sex ed our teacher asked what's the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.

Apparently there's a vas deferens

There are two types of countries,

Those that use the metric system and those that have put a man on the moon.

I saw God write a review about our solar system a while ago

he didn't explain why he gave it a one star tho

I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.


I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.


The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.

If you are over 40, it's no longer called masturbation

If you are over 40, it's no longer called masturbation.

It's called a system check.

There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who understand the ternary numeral system,
those who don't,
and those who were expecting this to be a binary joke

A mechanical, electrical, and civil engineer were discussing God.

The mechanical engineer said, God had to have been a mechanical engineer. Look at the skeleton and how it's designed.

The electrical engineer said, No, no, no. God was an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system and the way it works.

The civil engineer said, God had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a great recreational area?

What video game system do police officers play in their cars?

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...

Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.

We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-ass neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I have never felt safer and we're saving $49.99 a month!

Why won't the U.S. switch to the metric system?

There would be mass confusion

why have aliens never visited our solar system?

because they saw the reviews only had 1 star

If I had to rate the solar system

I'd give it one star.

Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.

My doctor said I have 12 months to live so I raped him

The judge gave me 40 years, I beat the system

If you shrunk the solar system down so that the sun was at the top of your head and the orbit of Pluto was at your feet,

Uranus would be right about where you'd expect it to be.

America is converting to the metric system

Inch by inch

What's the difference between dark matter and Black Lives Matter?

Dark matter has the capacity to leave an impact on a system

There are two types of countries in the world....

Those who use the Metric System....

And those who have been to the Moon.

So Trump is working with Putin on cybersecurity...

In other news, the principal at my school is working with the boys to install a surveillance system to insure privacy in the girls' locker room.

One for $1, three for $4

A man is walking up to a coffee stand to get his daily cup of coffee for $1, when he notices their new special where you can buy three cups for $4.

I'd like a cup of coffee, said the man, handing in a dollar bill.

He realizes he can cheat the system by buying two more cups of coffee, and saving a dollar. I'd like two more cups, please, he said, handing in another $2.

Afterward, he asks the guy in the stand, Why are you selling three cups of coffee for $4 when you could buy three separate cups for $3?

To which the stand dude replied, you could've just bought one cup like you do every day.

Three engineering students.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's not enough to change the bulb; we have to change the *system*.

Roses are red, potato chips are savory...

The United States prison system is legalized slavery.

Three Engineers

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around and talking about God.

The mechanical engineer says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body - a light-weight skeleton with moving parts holding up a massive frame of muscle and fat. God must be a mechanical engineer!"

The electrical engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is an electrical engineer. Just look at the human body - the nerve system routes electrical signals to the brain which is essentially a computer. God must be an electrical engineer!"

The civil engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is a civil engineer. Just look at the human body - only a civil engineer would run a toxic waste pipe through a playground."

Jewish sense of humor

Abe and Esther Goldberg were flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we are going to attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and we will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."


Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"
"Oy no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?," he asks.
"God forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss ever in their 40 long years of marriage.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why do you kiss me?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

I met a furry dominatrix with an amazing sound system

You wouldn't believe how many sub woofers she has.

There are two kinds of countries

Those who use the metric system, and those who have their flag on the moon.

The American Education System

Do you have something against black people?!?!!?

Yes, an alarm system.

Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?

Because Somalia doesn't have an education system

My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system....

Sound advice.

An old soviet joke.

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes. What did they arrest you for? asks the first. Was it a political or common crime? Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years.

Yo momma is so big that...

I had to format my NTFS drive to a different file system to support her pictures

God's punishment

God gave women labor pains and monthly bleeding as the punishment for the original sin. Men's punishment is to be with his wife and listen to her problems. That's why god hates homosexuals. They found a loophole in this system.

Why doesn't the US use the metric system?

Because they can't stand foreign rulers.

You give Americans an inch...

And they'll invent their own metric system.

An pakistani in the US fears for his safety

Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.

So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.

I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.

Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.

My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.

I have never felt safer.

The Greek Legal System

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

So There's This German Driving Game...

...with all these servers for multiplayer. One server has this automatic cheat-detection system that bans players if it thinks they're hacking at all.

Well unfortunately, there's this one stretch of one particular freeway where the road is so bad it blasts drivers off into the sky. The cheat system detects this, thinks they're hacking, and bans them immediately.

This went on for a couple days until one of the admins said, "Okay guys. Vwe have to do something about zis autobahn problem."

I ran into a NASA scientist one day...

...and I say to him, "Your job seems so tough. I'd love to traverse the solar system, but I wouldn't even know where to begin..."

He says, "It's easy... you just planet."

So I took his advice and went on a trip around the Sun. It lasted a year and I had a pretty good time. But if I had to rate it, I'd only give it one star.

My boyfriend asked me how many planets are in our solar system.

And I said. "Eight"
And he said, "Nope, only 7, after I destroy Uranus tonight."

What do the Washington Metro system and the Little Mermaid have in common?

They're both under DC.

I think our solar system is highly underrated ...

... Seriously, just one star? Duh.

If Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus was written today...

The solar system would need more planets for the title.

Three engineers are debating what kind of engineer designed the human body

The first says "It has to be an electric engineer! The nervous system resembles some fantastic electrical work!"

The second says "It was obviously a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints throughout the human body."

The third says "It was a civil engineer! Who else would put a waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

What operating system does Varys have on his computer?

Unix

How big of a difference is there between the male and female reproductive system?

There's a vas deferens.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with the money from the collection plate.

The priest says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God; whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.

The minister explains that he has a very similar method: He draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands outside the circle he gives to God, whereas whatever lands inside the circle he keeps.

I, too, have a system, the rabbi says. I throw the money up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!

I wish i had the immune system of an African baby

I've heard they only get sick once in their whole lives.

Three boys were sitting around, talking about stuff they wanted.

The first boy said, "man, I really want a gaming system. I would love to be able to sit around and play video games all the time."

The second boy said, "That would be great, but I want a new bike. I could get to anywhere in town if I had a new bike."

The third boy said, "I really want some tampons."

The other two boys looked at each other, shrugged and asked the third boy, "what's a tampon?"

The third boy said, "I don't know, but I saw a commercial for them the other day, and it said if you have tampons you can go swimming, go horseback riding...."

Communism is a System That Looks Pretty Great on Paper.

Unless of course, that paper makes up the pages of a History book.

Why don't we have any alien visitors in our solar system?

I googled it and found the reason...

It's rated only '1 star' out there.

Did you hear about the Pepsi employee that got fired?

Turns out they found coke in his system and fired him on the spot.

The Post Office

I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.

I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"

"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over £100 million to develop," he boasted proudly.

"What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked.

"We give them to a bloke on a push bike."

3 engineers are arguing about what kind of engineer God is......

and the mechanical engineer says, "Just look at the muscular system, all the fluid dynamics and joints. God was clearly a mechanical engineer." To which the electrical engineer says. "No, no, no, just look at the nervous system! The way impulses are sent all over the body and how the brain stores information; God was clearly an electrical engineer." "I'm sorry guys, God was a civil engineer. " says the civil engineer. " No one else would run a waste disposal pipeline right through the entertainment district."

We had a outage at my place this morning...

We had a outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop,
TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it
was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this
also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

I've heard so many theories about why America won't drop the imperial system

But we all know it's really just a foot fetish

So, the God decides he needs a vacation...

He goes to meet his travel agent:
"We have a special on Andromeda, Cthulu resort." - Nah it's way too hot...
"How'bout skiing in Pillars Of Creation?" - Maybe something cheaper, this time?
"Well, You may try the Earth, Solar System new Spa, great price".
- ... Been there like 2000 years ago, mate, made one chick pregnant.
They still keep talking about this...

Why is the Canadian school system broken

because they only give out ehs

Just saved 50 bucks!

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch. I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center. The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I'm saving $49.95 a month!

Three engineers are discussing God's engineering background.

The first one says, "God was clearly an electrical engineer. The human nervous system is a feat of electrical engineering genius!"

The second one says, "Absolutely not! He was a mechanical engineer. The way the muscles and bones interact are mechanically brilliant!"

The third one says, "Nope, you're both idiots. God was a civil engineer. Who else would run a sewage line right through a playground?"

Brilliant idea for a start-up

Imma build a new operating system which, when the disk gets full, randomly deletes half your files.

Gonna call it thanOS.

Why don't aliens visit the solar system

They look at the reviews and see it only has 1 star

How to make System jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about System to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about System? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny System pick up lines to share with friends.

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