Did you ever wanted to prank someone about System? Well here is a complete list of the top system jokes:
Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.
👍🏼Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
👍🏼They looked at the reviews...
Only 1 star.
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
👍🏼A couple is laying in bed. The man turns to his wife and says "Honey, I think we should work out a system to determine whether you want to have sex. On any given night, reach over, and grab my cock. If you want to have sex, give it a tug. And if you don't want to have sex, tug it 100 times."
👍🏼Apparently there's a vas deferens
👍🏼I told her if you wanna have sex pull on my penis once. If you don't wanna have sex, pull on my penis 100 times
👍🏼Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Dad was a Bell System engineer. I told him that he had put up with BS for 40 years. But that is not his joke. His was:
How long is a short circuit?
As long as it takes to ***find*** it!
Walking the girlfriend home from her weightwatchers class last night, I held her close as we went through a nasty-looking underpass system in the rough end of town.
As we turned a corner, I locked eyes with a filthy tramp eating someone's discarded takeaway from a bin.
"Look at that poor fucker, I'm glad I'm not him."
He probably thought.
...but we have no plans to bring it back. As a matter of fact there's at least 3 of 'em up there. Does this make us the rednecks of the Galaxy; leaving our broken down rovers all over our Solar System?
👍🏼I don't like the naming system for winter storms that was recently devised. I'm going with my own system of naming the storms after characters in Greek tragedies. So today I rename Winter Storm Athena to Winter Storm Antigone.
Can't wait for Winter Storm Oedipus. It will be a real mother fucker!
...passed through the digestive system of a civet.
>also, requesting any other versions you may have.
ThanOS
👍🏼after I destroyed Uranus.
👍🏼No fence, nun taken.
👍🏼I was studying for the MCAT while listening to an audiobook for a chapter on the endocrine system. Anyways, at the end of the audiobook the guy signs of saying: "Hey John, how do you make a hormone anyway?"... "That's easy Jordan, you just don't pay her." Loled so hard!
👍🏼A- Average
B- Below average
C- Can't have dinner
D- Don't come home
F- Find a new family
Why was the CEO of Pepsi fired?
They caught him with an ounce of coke in his system.
It's the best by an absolute 1.6km
👍🏼Your government fails.
wait... sorry I wrote this joke last year, I guess its not that funny anymore.
The do me decimal system... And I'm all in.
👍🏼Those who understand the binary numeral system and those who don't
👍🏼Now the system is corrupted
👍🏼If God wanted America to use the metric system, why did he give us 2 feet and not 2 meters?
👍🏼Hot
Black
Bitter
Ground up and in the freezer
Dragged through the Andes in a burlap sack on a donkey
Without a penis
Full of my semen
Less than a day old
Passed through the digestive system of a civet
In the kitchen
I don't like coffe
Cold and not alive
On my crotch
Wet and without pubes
Brown and delivered in crates from 3rd world counties
With a spoon inside
And I'm looking for other suggestions.
...also known as Harvey Weinstein.
👍🏼They're both full of shit, but the government's got more assholes.
👍🏼when your a system admin, and your server if tipped could destroy many websites.
👍🏼He takes his son to the town square and he says "see these beautiful buildings and shops? Me and my buddies built them with our own bare hands. And no one calls me a carpenter or an architect...."
Then he takes him to the local creek.
"See this creek and the irrigation system in it? Me and my buddies built it so we could grow crops and use our farm lands. And no one calls me a farmer or a handyman...."
Then he takes him to the schoolhouse.
"See this beautiful school and all these books?
Me and my buddies built this school and I used to teach here web I was younger. And no one calls me a scholar or a teacher....
**But you fuck ONE GOAT!**"
and the mechanical engineer says, "Just look at the muscular system, all the fluid dynamics and joints. God was clearly a mechanical engineer." To which the electrical engineer says. "No, no, no, just look at the nervous system! The way impulses are sent all over the body and how the brain stores information; God was clearly an electrical engineer." "I'm sorry guys, God was a civil engineer. " says the civil engineer. " No one else would run a waste disposal pipeline right through the entertainment district."
👍🏼...and, being from the North Pole, he wants a hound dog to run a transport system. This particular shelter stocks only mutts.
On the first day, the elf says, "What type of dog is that one there?" he asks, pointing to a cage. "That's a cross between a Labrador and a Poodle," responds the clerk. The elf shakes his head, and moves on to the next cage.
"What type is this one?" he asks. "A German Shepherd and Beagle cross," replies the clerk. Again, the elf shakes his head, and walks to the third and final cage.
"What type is this one?" he asks again. "That's a Pointer and Irish Setter cross," says the clerk. The elf nods his head vigorously, and adopts the animal immediately.
Mystified, the clerk's assistant asks, "Why did he chose that one?" the clerk laughs, and replies, "It was a Point-Setter."
Years ago on a long AA flight, an elderly lady asked if she could
visit the cockpit.
When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first
what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his
responsibilities were.
She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he
was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system
problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.
She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that
as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the
functioning of the crew. She turned to the first officer and asked
"Well young man, what is your job?"
He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my
fucking advice, he'll ask me."
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in their respective hotel rooms when a problem with the hotel's electrical system causes sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the wastepaper basket.
The engineer wakes up from the alarm, sees what is going on and runs to the bathroom. He fills a bucket with water, which he throws onto the wastepaper basket. Relieved that the fire is out, he goes back to bed.
The physicist wakes up from the alarm and sees what is going on. He grabs a pad of paper and a pencil, and works out how much water he will need to put out the fire. He then goes to the bathroom and fills a bucket with the precise amount of water he needs (accounting for measurement error), and proceeds to put out the fire. He then goes back to bed.
The mathematician wakes up from the alarm and sees what is going on. He grabs a pad of paper and a pencil, and works out how much water he will need to put out the fire.
"Aha! A solution exists!" And he goes back to bed.
*Alternate ending*
Later that night the hotel's electrical system fails again, causing sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the bed sheets. The mathematician wakes up, considers the fire, and then takes the still-burning sheets and puts them in the wastepaper basket.
"Aha! I've reduced the problem to a previously-solved form!" And he goes back to bed.
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around and talking about God.
The mechanical engineer says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body - a light-weight skeleton with moving parts holding up a massive frame of muscle and fat. God must be a mechanical engineer!"
The electrical engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is an electrical engineer. Just look at the human body - the nerve system routes electrical signals to the brain which is essentially a computer. God must be an electrical engineer!"
The civil engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is a civil engineer. Just look at the human body - only a civil engineer would run a toxic waste pipe through a playground."
After seeing a 60 Minutes special on break-ins I did a quick walk around of my house to see how easy it would be to break in.
It only took a couple minutes to realize how easy it would be to break in through the back door or a window. Looking at various home alarm systems, I realized that I couldn't afford a subscription to any of them.
Still worried about a break-in, I got a subscription to Guns and Ammo. I don't own any guns, but I leave copies around where I think someone will break in.
A man came home from work one day and told his wife how good his fireman job was when they used a bell system. He explained to her when bell 1 rang they slid down the firemans pole, bell 2 they grab thier jackets and bell 3 they were on the truck ready to go.
He also told her he wanted to use the same system so when bell 1 rang she was to go straight to the room, when bell 2 rang she was to strip naked and when bell 3 rang she was to be lying on the bed with her legs in the air ready to go. When he came home the next day he rang the first bell and his wife went straight to the bedroom and then he rang the second so his wife stripped naked and then he rang the last bell and she was instantly lying on the bed with her legs in the air.
After a few minutes his wife screams out bell 4, bell 4. A confused husband asks what's bell 4?
The wife replies, "you need more hose, more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!
Three war veterans were getting compensations for their years in the service. This time the compensation system was quite untraditional: they were told that they should choose two points from their bodies, and the distance (in cm) between them would be multiplied with 100 and converted into dollars. A licensed doctored was asked to do the official measuring.
The first man says: "Measure me from head to toe!" The doctor does as he is told and the first veteran, who was 183 cm tall, receives $18,300 and walks away happily.
The second veteran lifts his hand high up in the air and says: "Measure me from the tip of my finger to my toes!" He leaves over $23,000 richer.
The last veteran says: "Measure me from the tip of my penis to my balls." The doctor laughs and asks if he's certain about this. Confidently, the man pulls down his pants.
"My God!" gasps the doctor. "Where are you testicles?"
"In Vietnam."
...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."
So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"
Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."
Jim, disgusted, says "You have *got* to be kidding me!"
And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
I'm sitting on this plane and the pilot comes on the PA system to tell the passengers that we are now flying at cruising altitude and all that nonsense but when he put the phone down he missed the hang up. All the passengers could still hear the pilot as he turns to to copilot and says, "You know I could really go for a a cup of coffee and a blow job right now." The flight attendant went running up the aisle to tell the pilot he didn't hang up and as she races by my seat the guy behind me shouts, "Hey, honey! Don't forget that cup of coffee!"
👍🏼But it turns out there's no accounting for taste.
👍🏼50 Grades of Shea
👍🏼And a student raised their hand and said "Imagine all the life forms in other galaxies"
My teacher responded "Yea, but they probably are not human."
Then someone in the way back said "Yea maybe their black."
Just beyond Voyager I.
👍🏼It's called the Xbox one
👍🏼He gave me 2 hollowpoint "pills" and a 9mm "delivery system" Damn Obama Care.
👍🏼It uses the Doofas Decimal System.
👍🏼... sits down next to an older man and downs his drink. The older man looks up at him with a sad look on his face, the younger man says, "Sorry, I just really need to get something in my system, I'll buy you another one."
The older man replies, "No, it's fine, I just had a really bad day."
"You want to tell me about it?"
"Well, I forgot to set my alarm, so I woke up late for work. When I got there, my boss fired me on the spot. When I was walking back to my car, someone totaled it an drove off. I got a taxi and went home. After I got out of the taxi, I realized I had left my wallet in the back seat and the driver just drove off. I walked in the door to find my wife with another man. I tried to contact a few friends to ask if I could stay with them for a few days, but it turns out none of them like me. So I came here, and just as I decide I'm going to end it all, you come in and drink my poison."
Abe and Esther Goldberg were flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we are going to attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and we will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"
"Oy no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?," he asks.
"God forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss ever in their 40 long years of marriage.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why do you kiss me?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
Two men are caught trying to hold up a bank. One of them admits to and apologises for his crime, the other doesn't.
The town they're from has a new justice system based on physical punishment. The judge sentences the man who did not repent to be kicked in the balls for a day, and the other man punched in the face all day. Anyone in the town who wants to can line up to kick or punch one of the men.
Late in the afternoon one man has been waiting in line to punch the criminal in the face, but when he gets to the front he sees that the man has already been severely beaten up, his face is bloody, he looks terrible, so he decides it would be kinder to kick the man in the balls, which he does.
As soon as he's done it an official grabs him and shouts "Hey! You can't do that here! This is the punch line!"
You've red some of the best system jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about system. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty system gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !
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