system Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious system puns

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"

Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."

Jim, disgusted, says "You have *got* to be kidding me!"

And Carl says "I shit. You knot."

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What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

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Why haven't Aliens visited our Solar System yet? ...

They looked at the reviews...
Only 1 star.

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Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

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Your penis is so small..

That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.

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Why don't aliens visit our solar system?

Terrible ratings. One star.

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Americans do use the metric system...

Because they use 9mms at school.

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I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system!

It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.

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I painted my computer black so it would run faster.

Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work.

Now the whole system is corrupt.

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The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

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Jewish sense of humor

Abe and Esther Goldberg were flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we are going to attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and we will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."


Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"
"Oy no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?," he asks.
"God forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss ever in their 40 long years of marriage.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why do you kiss me?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

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Three engineers are riding in a car.

One is a mechanical engineer, one is an electrical engineer, and one is a computer engineer.

The car breaks down and coasts to the side of the road.

"Hang on," says the mechanical engineer. "The problem is probably the engine, let me have a look at it and I'll have us on the road again in no time."

"Wait," says the electrical engineer. "The way it just stopped like that, I think it's the electrical system. Let me have a look and I'll get us going again in a minute or two."

"Hold on," says the computer engineer. "Why don't we all just get out of the car and get in again, and then see if it starts?"

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Down with the metric system

No more foreign rulers!

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Found this in my timeline...

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre.
Now,the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.
I've never felt safer.

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Three Engineers are having an argument...

The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."

The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."

The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"

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Cockpit duties

Years ago on a long AA flight, an elderly lady asked if she could
visit the cockpit.

When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first
what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his
responsibilities were.

She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he
was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system
problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that
as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the
functioning of the crew. She turned to the first officer and asked
"Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my
fucking advice, he'll ask me."

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Haven't seen this one here yet

**How to install a southern home security system**

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 15 men's work boots, and place them on your porch with a copy of *Guns & Ammo* magazine.
2. Place four of the biggest dog bowls you can find on the porch next to the boots and magazines.
3. Leave a note on the door that reads:

Bubba,

Me, Jimbo and Buck went to get more beer and ammo. Be back in a bit. Don't mess with the pitbulls, they got the mailman real bad yesterday. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, locked 'em all in the house, so you better wait outside. Be right back.

-Cooter

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The best engine in the world

The best engine in the world is the vagina, it takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with 1 finger, and every 4 weeks it does it's own oil change.

It's just a pity the management system is so fucking temperamental.

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A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke.

The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas.

The electrical engineer said, I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system.

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, What do you think?

The computer engineer said, I think we should all get out and then get back in.

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I like my girls like my file system...

FAT and 16.

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Found this in my timeline...

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch. I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre. Now,the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365. My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all. I've never felt safer.

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A man named Jimmy walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar and notices a couple lines of people standing at the other side of the bar.

Jimmy asks the bartender "what are those people standing over there for?"

The bartender replies, "oh, the owner has a nice system setup for people who can't pay their tabs. He really enjoys causing others pain, so if you stand in the first line you can get kicked by the owner and he lets you go free. In the second, the owner gets to twist your nipples as hard as he wants, but again, you get to go for free."

Jimmy responds "Wow, what an interesting system. You know what would make it a lot better?"

"What's that?" Asks the bartender

"If there was a punchline"

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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?

Rename Uranus to Ouranus

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I went online and rated our Solar System

Gave it one star.

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My review of our solar system

1 Star.

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Tug it

A couple is laying in bed. The man turns to his wife and says "Honey, I think we should work out a system to determine whether you want to have sex. On any given night, reach over, and grab my cock. If you want to have sex, give it a tug. And if you don't want to have sex, tug it 100 times."

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3 engineers are arguing about what kind of engineer God is......

and the mechanical engineer says, "Just look at the muscular system, all the fluid dynamics and joints. God was clearly a mechanical engineer." To which the electrical engineer says. "No, no, no, just look at the nervous system! The way impulses are sent all over the body and how the brain stores information; God was clearly an electrical engineer." "I'm sorry guys, God was a civil engineer. " says the civil engineer. " No one else would run a waste disposal pipeline right through the entertainment district."

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The CEO of Pepsi was fired this morning.

They found trace amounts of Coke in *her system.

*I have to be factually correct.

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It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system.

You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.

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A guy walks into a bar...

... sits down next to an older man and downs his drink. The older man looks up at him with a sad look on his face, the younger man says, "Sorry, I just really need to get something in my system, I'll buy you another one."

The older man replies, "No, it's fine, I just had a really bad day."

"You want to tell me about it?"

"Well, I forgot to set my alarm, so I woke up late for work. When I got there, my boss fired me on the spot. When I was walking back to my car, someone totaled it an drove off. I got a taxi and went home. After I got out of the taxi, I realized I had left my wallet in the back seat and the driver just drove off. I walked in the door to find my wife with another man. I tried to contact a few friends to ask if I could stay with them for a few days, but it turns out none of them like me. So I came here, and just as I decide I'm going to end it all, you come in and drink my poison."

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Why won't the US change over to the Metric system?

Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.

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Today in sex ed our teacher asked what's the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.

Apparently there's a vas deferens

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There are two types of countries,

Those that use the metric system and those that have put a man on the moon.

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I saw God write a review about our solar system a while ago

he didn't explain why he gave it a one star tho

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A deaf couple in bed with the lights out are...

A deaf couple in bed with the lights out are having trouble communicating to each other about whether or not they want to have sex. The husband has tried on a few nights, when the wife just isn't in the mood.

The wife decides that they need to have a system, so that they will know, in the dark, whether sex is an option for that night.

The wife explains to the husband, "If you're not in the mood for sex, squeeze my breasts once; if you're in the mood, squeeze them twice."

The husband agrees that this is a great idea, and suggests to her, "If you're in the mood for sex, pull on my penis once. If you're not in the mood for sex, pull on my penis 300 times."

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What did God say after creating the first digestive system?

Shit just got real.

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I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.


I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.


The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.

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Three old men talk about their problems.

The first one says,
I wake up at 7 a.m every morning with a terrible urge to pee. I go to the bathroom and I stand there for two hours and nothing.

The second one says,
I wake up at 6 a.m every morning with a terrible need to defecate. I sit there reading for four hours, and nothing.

Finally the third one says,
Don't look at me. There's no drama here, my system works like clockwork. I pee at 7 a.m, I shit at 8, and at 9, I wake up.

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Three war veterans were getting compensations...

Three war veterans were getting compensations for their years in the service. This time the compensation system was quite untraditional: they were told that they should choose two points from their bodies, and the distance (in cm) between them would be multiplied with 100 and converted into dollars. A licensed doctored was asked to do the official measuring.

The first man says: "Measure me from head to toe!" The doctor does as he is told and the first veteran, who was 183 cm tall, receives $18,300 and walks away happily.

The second veteran lifts his hand high up in the air and says: "Measure me from the tip of my finger to my toes!" He leaves over $23,000 richer.

The last veteran says: "Measure me from the tip of my penis to my balls." The doctor laughs and asks if he's certain about this. Confidently, the man pulls down his pants.

"My God!" gasps the doctor. "Where are you testicles?"

"In Vietnam."

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If you are over 40, it's no longer called masturbation

If you are over 40, it's no longer called masturbation.

It's called a system check.

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There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who understand the ternary numeral system,
those who don't,
and those who were expecting this to be a binary joke

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A mechanical, electrical, and civil engineer were discussing God.

The mechanical engineer said, God had to have been a mechanical engineer. Look at the skeleton and how it's designed.

The electrical engineer said, No, no, no. God was an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system and the way it works.

The civil engineer said, God had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a great recreational area?

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Engineer, Physicist and Mathematician

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in their respective hotel rooms when a problem with the hotel's electrical system causes sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the wastepaper basket.

The engineer wakes up from the alarm, sees what is going on and runs to the bathroom. He fills a bucket with water, which he throws onto the wastepaper basket. Relieved that the fire is out, he goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up from the alarm and sees what is going on. He grabs a pad of paper and a pencil, and works out how much water he will need to put out the fire. He then goes to the bathroom and fills a bucket with the precise amount of water he needs (accounting for measurement error), and proceeds to put out the fire. He then goes back to bed.

The mathematician wakes up from the alarm and sees what is going on. He grabs a pad of paper and a pencil, and works out how much water he will need to put out the fire.

"Aha! A solution exists!" And he goes back to bed.


*Alternate ending*

Later that night the hotel's electrical system fails again, causing sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the bed sheets. The mathematician wakes up, considers the fire, and then takes the still-burning sheets and puts them in the wastepaper basket.

"Aha! I've reduced the problem to a previously-solved form!" And he goes back to bed.

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Punishing Criminals

Two men are caught trying to hold up a bank. One of them admits to and apologises for his crime, the other doesn't.

The town they're from has a new justice system based on physical punishment. The judge sentences the man who did not repent to be kicked in the balls for a day, and the other man punched in the face all day. Anyone in the town who wants to can line up to kick or punch one of the men.

Late in the afternoon one man has been waiting in line to punch the criminal in the face, but when he gets to the front he sees that the man has already been severely beaten up, his face is bloody, he looks terrible, so he decides it would be kinder to kick the man in the balls, which he does.

As soon as he's done it an official grabs him and shouts "Hey! You can't do that here! This is the punch line!"

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What video game system do police officers play in their cars?

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...

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Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.

We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-ass neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I have never felt safer and we're saving $49.99 a month!

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On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system

as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them their altitude, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather. He advises them to relax and have a good flight.
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his copilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."
All of the passengers hear it.
As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says, "Don't forget the coffee!"

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Engineer in Hell

There was a engineer who went to heaven, but when he got to the gates, St. Peter told him that he wasn't on the list and sent him to Hell. Thinking he'd spend his whole eternal life in Hell, the engineer decided to try and make it a better place.

Seeing as Hell was really hot, the engineer builds an A.C. system to keep Hell's citizens cool.

Then seeing that Hell was filled with lakes of fire and it was hard to get around, the engineer ended up building roads and highways.

Finally, seeing as Hell was boring, the engineer created amusement parks, movie theatres, and sports gyms.

One day the devil was having a chat with God.
"Satan, looks like you've lightened up!"

"Yeah, recently we had an engineer come down here and build us all kinds of good stuff"

God is stunned. "What's an engineer doing down there? You better send him back up or I'll sue you!"

Satan laughs. "And where do you think all the lawyers are?"

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Why won't the U.S. switch to the metric system?

There would be mass confusion

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So There's This German Driving Game...

...with all these servers for multiplayer. One server has this automatic cheat-detection system that bans players if it thinks they're hacking at all.

Well unfortunately, there's this one stretch of one particular freeway where the road is so bad it blasts drivers off into the sky. The cheat system detects this, thinks they're hacking, and bans them immediately.

This went on for a couple days until one of the admins said, "Okay guys. Vwe have to do something about zis autobahn problem."

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The Greek Legal System

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

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Jewish Thinking

A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. However, the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."

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A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island.

Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the yeshiva yet?" "No, Morris" she responds.

Morris smiles and then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" Oy, no! I haven't sent the check!!" she says.

Now Morris laughs out loud. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?" he asks.

"Oy, Morris I haven't sent that one, either!" says Esther.

Now Morris is practically choking with laughter.

Esther asks Morris, "So, nu? What are you smiling and laughing about?"

​

Morris answers confidently, "They'll find us."

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why have aliens never visited our solar system?

because they saw the reviews only had 1 star

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with the money from the collection plate.

The priest says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God; whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.

The minister explains that he has a very similar method: He draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands outside the circle he gives to God, whereas whatever lands inside the circle he keeps.

I, too, have a system, the rabbi says. I throw the money up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!

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If I had to rate the solar system

I'd give it one star.

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Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.

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*Pollen accidentally enters body*

Immune system: What the hell is that?

Pollen: Oh hey. Sorry. We got a bit lost. The wind kinda bl-

Immune system: OH GOD WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!

Pollen: What?! No! We just got lo-

Immune system: OPEN THE FLOODGATES!

Pollen: The what?

Mucus membranes: Sir. All the floodgates?

Immune system: ALL OF THEM!

Pollen: Wait. Wait. You don't... Oh shi-

[Dramatic music]

Me: *sneezes*

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My doctor said I have 12 months to live so I raped him

The judge gave me 40 years, I beat the system

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If you shrunk the solar system down so that the sun was at the top of your head and the orbit of Pluto was at your feet,

Uranus would be right about where you'd expect it to be.

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America is converting to the metric system

Inch by inch

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What's the difference between dark matter and Black Lives Matter?

Dark matter has the capacity to leave an impact on a system

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A white guy makes 400k a year but still lives in government housing...

...Trump really abuses the system.

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Airline pilot...

An airline pilot makes the usual announcements over the cabin PA system as the plane reaches cruising altitude. He then sets the plane on autopilot and turns to the co-pilot and jokes- All I need now is a cup of coffee and a blow job.

Unbeknownst to the captain, the mic is still active and everybody can hear what the captain is saying.

Suddenly, an alert flight attendant bolts toward the cockpit to tell the pilot his mic is stuck.

As she's nearing the door, an old timer stands up and shouts- Stop! You forgot his coffee!

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So Trump is working with Putin on cybersecurity...

In other news, the principal at my school is working with the boys to install a surveillance system to insure privacy in the girls' locker room.

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There are two types of countries in the world....

Those who use the Metric System....

And those who have been to the Moon.

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One for $1, three for $4

A man is walking up to a coffee stand to get his daily cup of coffee for $1, when he notices their new special where you can buy three cups for $4.

I'd like a cup of coffee, said the man, handing in a dollar bill.

He realizes he can cheat the system by buying two more cups of coffee, and saving a dollar. I'd like two more cups, please, he said, handing in another $2.

Afterward, he asks the guy in the stand, Why are you selling three cups of coffee for $4 when you could buy three separate cups for $3?

To which the stand dude replied, you could've just bought one cup like you do every day.

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My wife and I have a system in check for when we go to bed...

I told her if you wanna have sex pull on my penis once. If you don't wanna have sex, pull on my penis 100 times

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Three engineering students.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's not enough to change the bulb; we have to change the *system*.

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Roses are red, potato chips are savory...

The United States prison system is legalized slavery.

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Three Engineers

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around and talking about God.

The mechanical engineer says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body - a light-weight skeleton with moving parts holding up a massive frame of muscle and fat. God must be a mechanical engineer!"

The electrical engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is an electrical engineer. Just look at the human body - the nerve system routes electrical signals to the brain which is essentially a computer. God must be an electrical engineer!"

The civil engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is a civil engineer. Just look at the human body - only a civil engineer would run a toxic waste pipe through a playground."

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I painted my computer black so it would run faster

Now it doesn't work

I painted it white and now the system is corrupt.

Painted it yellow and all the drivers crashed

Painted a vagina on it and now all it does is whine.

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The vagina is the greatest engine ever developed.

It accepts any size piston, it is self-lubricating, and it does it's own fluid change once a month. It's just a shame that the management system can be so temperamental.

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I met a furry dominatrix with an amazing sound system

You wouldn't believe how many sub woofers she has.

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There are two kinds of countries

Those who use the metric system, and those who have their flag on the moon.

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The American Education System

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Do you have something against black people?!?!!?

Yes, an alarm system.

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And the peanuts...please...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob. All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says Don't forget the coffee!

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Coffee and A blowjob

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, 'What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.'

All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says 'Don't forget the coffee!'

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Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?

Because Somalia doesn't have an education system

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My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system....

Sound advice.

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Sex and coffee

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and some great sex." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don't forget the coffee!"

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Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies at the OB/GYN waiting room.

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies at the OB/GYN waiting room.
The first one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have a strong nervous system, so I'm taking a folate pill."
The second one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have healthy blood, so I'm taking an iron pill."
The third one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "This is thalidomide."
The other two women look in horror. "WHY?!"
The third one calmly replies, "I can't knit sleeves for shit."

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An old soviet joke.

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes. What did they arrest you for? asks the first. Was it a political or common crime? Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years.

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Yo momma is so big that...

I had to format my NTFS drive to a different file system to support her pictures

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The vagina is the best engine in the world...

It can be started with one finger. It's self-lubricating. It accepts any size piston. It even changes its own oil every four weeks. It's a shame that the management system is so fucking temperamental...

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God's punishment

God gave women labor pains and monthly bleeding as the punishment for the original sin. Men's punishment is to be with his wife and listen to her problems. That's why god hates homosexuals. They found a loophole in this system.

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You give Americans an inch...

And they'll invent their own metric system.

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An pakistani in the US fears for his safety

Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.

So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.

I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.

Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.

My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.

I have never felt safer.

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I ran into a NASA scientist one day...

...and I say to him, "Your job seems so tough. I'd love to traverse the solar system, but I wouldn't even know where to begin..."

He says, "It's easy... you just planet."

So I took his advice and went on a trip around the Sun. It lasted a year and I had a pretty good time. But if I had to rate it, I'd only give it one star.

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My boyfriend asked me how many planets are in our solar system.

And I said. "Eight"
And he said, "Nope, only 7, after I destroy Uranus tonight."

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My review of our Solar System...

One Star

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I think our solar system is highly underrated ...

... Seriously, just one star? Duh.

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What do the Washington Metro system and the Little Mermaid have in common?

They're both under DC.

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If Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus was written today...

The solar system would need more planets for the title.

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Three engineers are debating what kind of engineer designed the human body

The first says "It has to be an electric engineer! The nervous system resembles some fantastic electrical work!"

The second says "It was obviously a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints throughout the human body."

The third says "It was a civil engineer! Who else would put a waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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What operating system does Varys have on his computer?

Unix

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How big of a difference is there between the male and female reproductive system?

There's a vas deferens.

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Three boys were sitting around, talking about stuff they wanted.

The first boy said, "man, I really want a gaming system. I would love to be able to sit around and play video games all the time."

The second boy said, "That would be great, but I want a new bike. I could get to anywhere in town if I had a new bike."

The third boy said, "I really want some tampons."

The other two boys looked at each other, shrugged and asked the third boy, "what's a tampon?"

The third boy said, "I don't know, but I saw a commercial for them the other day, and it said if you have tampons you can go swimming, go horseback riding...."

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I wish i had the immune system of an African baby

I've heard they only get sick once in their whole lives.

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Who designed the human body?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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Why don't we have any alien visitors in our solar system?

I googled it and found the reason...

It's rated only '1 star' out there.

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The Post Office

I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.

I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"

"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over Β£100 million to develop," he boasted proudly.

"What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked.

"We give them to a bloke on a push bike."

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Did you hear about the Pepsi employee that got fired?

Turns out they found coke in his system and fired him on the spot.

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We had a outage at my place this morning...

We had a outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop,
TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it
was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this
also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

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I've heard so many theories about why America won't drop the imperial system

But we all know it's really just a foot fetish

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So, the God decides he needs a vacation...

He goes to meet his travel agent:
"We have a special on Andromeda, Cthulu resort." - Nah it's way too hot...
"How'bout skiing in Pillars Of Creation?" - Maybe something cheaper, this time?
"Well, You may try the Earth, Solar System new Spa, great price".
- ... Been there like 2000 years ago, mate, made one chick pregnant.
They still keep talking about this...

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Why is the Canadian school system broken

because they only give out ehs

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Three engineers are discussing God's engineering background.

The first one says, "God was clearly an electrical engineer. The human nervous system is a feat of electrical engineering genius!"

The second one says, "Absolutely not! He was a mechanical engineer. The way the muscles and bones interact are mechanically brilliant!"

The third one says, "Nope, you're both idiots. God was a civil engineer. Who else would run a sewage line right through a playground?"

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Just saved 50 bucks!

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch. I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center. The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I'm saving $49.95 a month!

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Why don't aliens visit the solar system

They look at the reviews and see it only has 1 star

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A deaf couple had just moved in together...

And needed to work out a system to communicate in bed when the lights were out and they can't sign.

"Honey, if you want to have sex, squeeze my right breast once. If you don't, squeeze my left breast once," she signed.

He replied: "Ok, if you want to have sex, pull my penis once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my penis 300 times."

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The engineers were discussing God's profession

The mechanical engineer said, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at your joints and muscle connections."
The electrical engineer said, "I believe God must be an electrical engineer because your brain, nerves, electrical impulses and shit, just take a look at neurons. No doubt there."
Finally the civil engineer spoke up. "For all I know, God is a civil engineer. Only a civil engineer would put a sewage system through a recreational area."

E: spell shit

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some people think dick and balls are all one system

however, theres a vas deferens between the two

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I just bought a U2 GPS system for my car

But it's useless. The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

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Never trust you digestive system...

Its full of shit.

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Air Force One

Air Force One was carrying the President over the Atlantic Ocean for an international peace conference. One of the Secret Service agents approached the President, "Sir, there's a problem with the septic system. It's too full and it's starting to ice over."

The President replied, "Can't you just flush the system into the atmosphere?"

Secret service agent says, "No sir, I can't do that"

President asks, "Why not?"

Secret service agent, "Sir, I can't initiate an icy BM launch unless you give me the proper authorization codes."

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New study shows that 4*20+10+7 percent of French people are unhappy with the French counting system.

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The Worlds Best Engine ?

The best engine in the world is the vagina.

It can be started with one finger.

It is self-lubricating.

It takes any size piston.

And it changes its own oil every four weeks.

It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental.

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In a primary school...

The teacher asks students to draw female reproductive system. A girl in the class puts her head down out of shyness. A boy looks at her and exclaims "Ma'am she's copying!".

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Have you heard about the new advanced ABS system developed by an Israeli company?

Allows any vehicle equipped with it to stop on a dime.

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My Yelp review of the solar system

One star

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A base-12 number system is good in theory

but it dozen stand a chance in practice.

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A father takes his son on a tour of his home town....

He takes his son to the town square and he says "see these beautiful buildings and shops? Me and my buddies built them with our own bare hands. And no one calls me a carpenter or an architect...."

Then he takes him to the local creek.

"See this creek and the irrigation system in it? Me and my buddies built it so we could grow crops and use our farm lands. And no one calls me a farmer or a handyman...."

Then he takes him to the schoolhouse.

"See this beautiful school and all these books?
Me and my buddies built this school and I used to teach here web I was younger. And no one calls me a scholar or a teacher....

**But you fuck ONE GOAT!**"

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Y'know, communism is definitely the best system of government.

Nowadays it costs one hundred dollars just to go camping for a night. In the Soviet Union you could go to camp forever, and it was free.

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In the spirit of a TIL that made it to the front page.

I'm sitting on this plane and the pilot comes on the PA system to tell the passengers that we are now flying at cruising altitude and all that nonsense but when he put the phone down he missed the hang up. All the passengers could still hear the pilot as he turns to to copilot and says, "You know I could really go for a a cup of coffee and a blow job right now." The flight attendant went running up the aisle to tell the pilot he didn't hang up and as she races by my seat the guy behind me shouts, "Hey, honey! Don't forget that cup of coffee!"

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The USA's political system

You already read the joke. Go home.

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How do you do a system reset on your country?

Hit Ctrl-Alt-Right-Delete

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What system does Satan use to weigh packages?

Penta-grams

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I painted my computee black so it would run faster.

Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work.

Now the whole system is corrupt.

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We had a power outage today...

...and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my phone battery was flat and I couldn't charge it.To top it off it was snowing outside. So I couldn't play golf and I couldn't fish. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power. So does the microwave. So popcorn won't happen.

So I talked with my wife for a few hours. She seems like such a nice person.

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Electrical Joke

Dad was a Bell System engineer. I told him that he had put up with BS for 40 years. But that is not his joke. His was:

How long is a short circuit?


As long as it takes to ***find*** it!

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What is the ideal political system of a feminist?

A dickhatership.

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For-profit healthcare is a great system that benefits patients and ensures higher quality care.

lul

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Just been reading some reviews of the solar system

Can't believe it only got 1 star.

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Why don't aliens visit our Solar System?

Because of the terrible ratings. It only has one star.

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I downloaded Friedrich Nietszche's voice for my navigation system

Now it just tells me to find my own way.

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TV Licensing

Some lad about my age in his mid 20's had someone from TV licensing at his door so I had a cheeky listen, Glad I did.

"Do you watch live TV sir?"

"Nah mate, TV's shite, don't even own one. Prefer my music me"

"May I pop inside and look so I can confirm and put that on our system?"

"I don't have to let you in do I?"

"No sir, but if you're not letting me in when you say you don't own a TV, that gives me reason to believe that you could have a TV and therefore require a licence"

"To be fair mate, the lass at number 23 won't let me in her knickers, that doesn't mean I've got reason to believe she could have a cock..."

With that, the door was closed.

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My review of the solar system

One Star

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So we landed a car-sized object on Mars...

...but we have no plans to bring it back. As a matter of fact there's at least 3 of 'em up there. Does this make us the rednecks of the Galaxy; leaving our broken down rovers all over our Solar System?

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As i walked my girlfriend home

Walking the girlfriend home from her weightwatchers class last night, I held her close as we went through a nasty-looking underpass system in the rough end of town.

As we turned a corner, I locked eyes with a filthy tramp eating someone's discarded takeaway from a bin.

"Look at that poor fucker, I'm glad I'm not him."

He probably thought.

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They say the male and female reproductive system is very similar

But I think there's a vas deferens

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A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?

Mall guy: Oh sure.

Man, grabbing the mike: I'm vegan.

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Why did Pluto miss the solar system party.

He didn't planet right

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What do you call System of a Down's security staff?

Serj protectors.

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I called to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act and it was one of those automated phone system which said...

Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show…

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What is the difference between Heaven and Hell???

In Heaven the engineers are german, the police force is formed by englishmen, the cooks are french, the paramours are italians and the whole system is organized by the swiss.

In hell the engineers are french, the police force is formed by german people, the cooks are englishmen, the paramours are swiss, and the whole system is organized by the italians

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There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who understand binary, and those who don't.


And those who didn't expect a base three counting system.

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Why did the black guy pick the music system with the loudest bass?

It was his favorite sterotype.

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What are the best System puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about System? Well, here are the best jokes about System to have fun with.

Joko Jokes