Synagogue Jokes
59 synagogue jokes and hilarious synagogue puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about synagogue that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Synagogue Short Jokes
Short synagogue jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The synagogue humour may include short mosque jokes also.
- Two homeless men are dumpster diving for food outside of a synagogue... One of the men pops his head out and says to the other, Man, these onion rings are really chewy!
- Why don't churches, synagogues, mosques and temples have Wi-Fi? Because religions don't like competing with an invisible power that actually works.
- An anti-semantic walks into a synagogue. The linguists in the group are offended and leave.
- Two bees are on their way to the synagogue, the one bee looks at the other and says "make sure you've got your yarmulke... ...we don't want them thinking you're a wasp!"
- A Mexican gentleman attends my synagogue. Whenever we need a quorum for prayers services we can always rely on his presence. He really is Juan in a minyan!
- Why are Jewish Synagogues Round? ... So nobody can hide in the corner once the collection comes around
- You can't go to a synagogue without giving money to the rabbis. You have to pay your Jews.
- Did you hear the story of the Rabbi who lifted his synagogue into the air with a bunch of balloons? He brew up.
- Did you hear about the girl who fell asleep on the Synagogue steps? She woke up with a heavy dew on her.
- The people killed in the Pittsburg synagogue were all paid actors hired by George Soros. Fake Jews!
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Synagogue One Liners
Which synagogue one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with synagogue? I can suggest the ones about old jewish and holocaust.
- The pope walks into a synagogue... The rabbi says, "Why the wrong faith?"
- What do you get if you squeeze a synagogue? Juice!
- How are synagogues like lemons? They're full of acidic juice.
- What do you get when you squeeze a synagogue? Jews.
- What happens when you squeeze a synagogue? All the jewce comes out.
- The men's group at my synagogue took a trip to see Auschwitz. They all gave it one star.
- Where is the largest synagogue in the universe? Jew-piter
- What train do you take to the synagogue? ᵗʰᵉ ʲᵉʷ ʲᵉʷ ᵗʳᵃᶦᶰ
- what do you get when you squeeze a synagogue? Jooouice!
- Why was the whittler banned from his synagogue? Because he made his rabbi a little cross.
- What sport takes place at a synagogue? Jew-Jitsu
- What do you call a Jew who didn't go to Synagogue on Yom Kippur? Fake Jews.
- My synagogue has started giving self defense classes. They're teaching jew jitsu.
- Who lives in orange synagogue? Fruit Jews
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Kill me - I met my wife in a synagogue in Tel Aviv, Israel. We found love in a popeless place.
Silly & Ridiculous Synagogue Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about synagogue you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean temple jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make synagogue pranks.
A Shlep on the Beach
A woman is at the beach with her grandson when a huge wave suddenly washes the boy out to sea. Grief-stricken, she falls on her knees, looks up to the sky and implores: "Oh God, return my grandson to me and I'll give all my money to the synagogue and devote my life to prayer and good works!"
Suddenly, the clouds part, the sky clears and another wave washes the boy back on the beach, completely unharmed. Once again the woman looks up to the heavens and cries out:
"He had a hat!"
Dog Bar Mitzvah
A man walks into a synagogue with his dog. He goes up to the Rabbi and he says.
Man: Rabbi, I want my dog to have a Bar Mitzvah and I want to do it here
Rabbi: What are you, crazy? We can't do that!
Man: Please, I'll do anything
Rabbi: No, it can't be done
Man: Rabbi, I don't think you understand, I'm willing to donate $20,000 to this synagogue
Rabbi: Why didn't you tell me your dog was Jewish?!
There was a Jewish businessman
There was a Jewish businessman who was almost late at an important business meeting where punctuality was highly priced. But there were no empty parking spots around and the time was running. He looked to the sky and prayed: "Dear God, give me a parking spot now and I will donate 100 thousand to the synagogue!" Suddenly, a car left exactly in front of him. Relieved, the guy looked again at the sky and said: "It's okay, forget it, I got one."
What do you call the Jewish Jamaican singer responsible for pouring the wine at synagogue?
De Canter
A joke I am working on. Feedback and suggestions are appreciated!
Did you hear about the synagogue that had all the Stars of David and Hebrew graffiti'd over?
The police are calling it an anti-Semiotic hate crime.
Joke from the rabbi of one of the synagogues I went to.
A professional baseball player was very religious. So religious, in fact, that every time he stepped up to the plate he would cross himself.
During a particular game, he was facing a particularly impatient pitcher. The batter stepped out to cross himself, and the pitcher yelled out, "Hey! Why don't you just let God watch the game for once!?"
An old rabbi feels his time on earth is coming to an end...
He takes stock of his life and thinks about all the things he's done, and all the things he wishes he'd done. He thinks to himself, "I've always wanted to try pork!"
So the rabbi, being a cautious man, travels a few towns over and looks for a restaurant. Finding a likely place, he reads the menu and sees what he's looking for - a whole suckling pig. He sits down and places the order. Soon the pig arrives, skin crisp and glistening, with a big red apple in its mouth.
The rabbi is just about to tuck in when a member of his synagogue walks in and spots him. "Rabbi!" he exclaims, aghast, "What on Earth are you *doing*?!".
The rabbi looks at his plate, looks at the guy, and says "This restaurant! I order a baked apple, look how they serve it!"
Why did Adolph h**... become embarrassed in a Jewish synagogue?
He had bad gas.
While my wife and I were on our way to Synagogue she told me she is pregnant...
I guess we've got a little Jew in the oven.
Why is the elephant sitting on an orange in front of the Synagogue?
Waiting for the juice to come out!
A Jewish couple visit China
A Jewish couple is visiting China, and as they sit down to dinner they begin to wonder about whether there are any ancient synagogues to visit.
The waiter comes to take their order, and the couple asks if there are any Chinese jews, the waiter asks them to wait a minute and comes right back.
"We have apple Jews, orange Jews, grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews."
Cr
A black guy with a huge cross walks into an jewish orthodox synagogue
Made you look.
An old Jewish mother complains to her friend, "My son Joey converted to Christianity."
Her friend says, "My God, my Eddy also converted! What can we do about it?"
The first woman responds, "The only thing we can do is pray."
So, the two of them head to the synagogue, where they sit down with prayer books and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. After a few minutes, they hear a booming voice coming out of nowhere.
"How am I supposed to help?" God says, irritated. "My son converted to Christianity too!"
A crying jewish man goes to the synagogue
He stumbles to the floor and just lies there, sobbing and crying.
Suddenly he hears a voice from above: "What's wrong my child?".
"Oh", cries the man, "it is horrible. My son got baptized."
"Happened to me too", says the voice. "In the end I had to write a New Testament".
PS: Translation of a German joke, I hope it still works in English.
A rabbi and a priest are asking for charity outside of a church...
They are standing one next to the other as the congregation is exiting mass. They look at the Rabbi with disdain and give more money to the priest.
Until o**... sees the rabbi hasn't collected any money and decides to help him out Rabbi, why don't you try asking for charity outside of a synagogue?
The rabbi turns to the priest Moshe, this guy wants to teach us marketing
Three Jewish guys are having a conversation about how reform their synagogues are…
The first man exclaims My synagogue is so reform that they serve shrimp and pork in the cafeteria
The second man exclaims My synagogue is so reform that they serve us shrimp and pork on Yom Kippur
The third man exclaims My synagogue is so reform that on Yom Kippur there's a sign on the door that says 'Sorry, closed for the holidays'
Credits to wherever my Grandpa read this…
A f**... service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying the casket.
As they are walking the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
At the u**...
Two man, p**... side by side.
"Sorry sir, do you happen to be of the Jewish faith?"
"Erh... yes I am."
"You are from Krakow?"
"Yes."
"And did you always go to the small synagogue in the Lipowitz Street?"
"Yes, do we know each other?"
"I don't think so. But you were born between 1970 and 1980?"
"Yes, could you finally tell me where we met?"
"We have not met, sir. But in the small synagogue in the Lipowitz Street in Krakow, Rabbi Goldberg war responsible for the bris in between 1970 and 1980. And the good Rabbi never managed to make a clean cut. And you're p**... on my shoes".
A Jewish woman wants her son to have a bris but her Christian husband is against it
She goes against his wishes and has a secret bris.
The husband shows up unannounced and everyone in the synagogue is in shock.
The mother gasps, "How did you know?!"
The father replies "I could see it coming a mohel away."
