Synagogue Jokes
60 synagogue jokes and hilarious synagogue puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about synagogue that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Synagogue Short Jokes
Short synagogue jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The synagogue humour may include short mosque jokes also.
- Two homeless men are dumpster diving for food outside of a synagogue... One of the men pops his head out and says to the other, Man, these onion rings are really chewy!
- Why don't churches, synagogues, mosques and temples have Wi-Fi? Because religions don't like competing with an invisible power that actually works.
- An anti-semantic walks into a synagogue. The linguists in the group are offended and leave.
- Two bees are on their way to the synagogue, the one bee looks at the other and says "make sure you've got your yarmulke... ...we don't want them thinking you're a wasp!"
- A Mexican gentleman attends my synagogue. Whenever we need a quorum for prayers services we can always rely on his presence. He really is Juan in a minyan!
- Did you hear the story of the Rabbi who lifted his synagogue into the air with a bunch of balloons? He brew up.
- Did you hear about the girl who fell asleep on the Synagogue steps? She woke up with a heavy dew on her.
- Why is the elephant sitting on an orange in front of the Synagogue? Waiting for the juice to come out!
- While my wife and I were on our way to Synagogue she told me she is pregnant... I guess we've got a little Jew in the oven.
- What do you call the Jewish Jamaican singer responsible for pouring the wine at synagogue? De Canter
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Synagogue One Liners
Which synagogue one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with synagogue? I can suggest the ones about old jewish and temple.
- The pope walks into a synagogue... The rabbi says, "Why the wrong faith?"
- What do you get if you squeeze a synagogue? Juice!
- How are synagogues like lemons? They're full of acidic juice.
- The men's group at my synagogue took a trip to see Auschwitz. They all gave it one star.
- Where is the largest synagogue in the universe? Jew-piter
- What train do you take to the synagogue? ᵗʰᵉ ʲᵉʷ ʲᵉʷ ᵗʳᵃᶦᶰ
- Why was the whittler banned from his synagogue? Because he made his rabbi a little cross.
- My synagogue has started giving self defense classes. They're teaching jew jitsu.
- I met my wife in a synagogue in Tel Aviv, Israel. We found love in a popeless place.
- Why did the pregnant woman get kicked out of the synagogue? She wasn't jew yet!
- What month are religious synagogues most popular? July.
- What did Sonic say when going to synagogue on Yom Kippur? Gotta go fast!
- There are churches for christians, synagogues for jews, and 9/11 for muslims.
- How do you clear out a synagogue call the irs
- What happens when you squeeze a synagogue? All the jewce comes out.
Silly & Ridiculous Synagogue Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about synagogue you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jewish rabbi jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make synagogue pranks.
Church squirrels
All five churches in a small Texas town were having a terrible problem with squirrel infestations. Predictably, they all had different ways of dealing with the problem.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The Catholic church came up with what they thought was the best and most effective solution: they baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Still, the Jewish synagogue beat them all: they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called a bris -- and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
A Shlep on the Beach
A woman is at the beach with her grandson when a huge wave suddenly washes the boy out to sea. Grief-stricken, she falls on her knees, looks up to the sky and implores: "Oh God, return my grandson to me and I'll give all my money to the synagogue and devote my life to prayer and good works!"
Suddenly, the clouds part, the sky clears and another wave washes the boy back on the beach, completely unharmed. Once again the woman looks up to the heavens and cries out:
"He had a hat!"
Blessed car
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.
Dog Bar Mitzvah
A man walks into a synagogue with his dog. He goes up to the Rabbi and he says.
Man: Rabbi, I want my dog to have a Bar Mitzvah and I want to do it here
Rabbi: What are you, crazy? We can't do that!
Man: Please, I'll do anything
Rabbi: No, it can't be done
Man: Rabbi, I don't think you understand, I'm willing to donate $20,000 to this synagogue
Rabbi: Why didn't you tell me your dog was Jewish?!
There was a Jewish businessman
There was a Jewish businessman who was almost late at an important business meeting where punctuality was highly priced. But there were no empty parking spots around and the time was running. He looked to the sky and prayed: "Dear God, give me a parking spot now and I will donate 100 thousand to the synagogue!" Suddenly, a car left exactly in front of him. Relieved, the guy looked again at the sky and said: "It's okay, forget it, I got one."
I passed out on the steps of a synagogue...
And woke up in the morning with a heavy Jew on me.
A joke I am working on. Feedback and suggestions are appreciated!
Did you hear about the synagogue that had all the Stars of David and Hebrew graffiti'd over?
The police are calling it an anti-Semiotic hate crime.
Two Jewish men are talking
[This joke is best when read with a heavy Yiddish accent.]
The first man says "Oy vei! This is a disaster! My son has fallen in love with this Christian girl. He is running off to become a Christian!"
The second man replies "Oy vei! My son too is becoming a Christian! This is a disaster indeed. We should go consult the rabbi and ask what to do."
So they go down to their synagogue and go up to the rabbi and say "Rabbi! Rabbi! We both have a problem. Our sons are running after these Christian girls and are becoming Christians! What do we do?"
The rabbi replies "Oy vei! My son too is becoming a Christian! I don't know what to do either. We should pray and ask God what to do!"
So the three men kneel down at the altar, and the Rabbi begins to pray. "Oh almighty Father in heaven, our sons are running after these Christian girls and are becoming Christians! What do we do?"
God replies "Oy vei! My son too is becoming a Christian!"
Joke from the rabbi of one of the synagogues I went to.
A professional baseball player was very religious. So religious, in fact, that every time he stepped up to the plate he would cross himself.
During a particular game, he was facing a particularly impatient pitcher. The batter stepped out to cross himself, and the pitcher yelled out, "Hey! Why don't you just let God watch the game for once!?"
An old rabbi feels his time on earth is coming to an end...
He takes stock of his life and thinks about all the things he's done, and all the things he wishes he'd done. He thinks to himself, "I've always wanted to try pork!"
So the rabbi, being a cautious man, travels a few towns over and looks for a restaurant. Finding a likely place, he reads the menu and sees what he's looking for - a whole suckling pig. He sits down and places the order. Soon the pig arrives, skin crisp and glistening, with a big red apple in its mouth.
The rabbi is just about to tuck in when a member of his synagogue walks in and spots him. "Rabbi!" he exclaims, aghast, "What on Earth are you *doing*?!".
The rabbi looks at his plate, looks at the guy, and says "This restaurant! I order a baked apple, look how they serve it!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are Jewish Synagogues Round?
... So nobody can hide in the corner once the collection comes around
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Adolph h**... become embarrassed in a Jewish synagogue?
He had bad gas.
Two men sit collecting donations on either side of the walkway leading up to the church...
One wore a giant cross on his chest, the other wore a giant star of David on his chest.
Every day people would look at the guy with the star of David, smile and give an extra donation to the guy with the cross. Every now and then, someone would toss a few cents to the guys with the star of David.
After a few months several of the congregants approached the man with the star of David and asked him - we don't mean to be rude or anything but perhaps you'd do better at the synagogue down the road.
The guy looked across towards his fellow begged and yelled - Moishe, they're telling us how to run our business!
Synagogue Dog
A jewish guy walks into his synagogue on Yom Kippur with with his dog. The rabbi stops him at the door and says "Moishe, what's the matter with you? You can't bring a dog in here."
"Don't worry, Rabbi," replies Moishe, "Isaac here is just as orthodox as I am, and he's come to pray." And as soon as he says that, the dog stands up on his hind legs, pulls a yarmulka out of Moishe's pocket, grabs a prayer book and starts praying in perfect Hebrew.
The Rabbi is amazed. "Oh my god," he says, "this is incredible, Moishe. You should make this dog become a rabbi!"
"You tell him that, Rabbi," replies Moishe. "He wants to be a doctor."
A Jewish couple visit China
A Jewish couple is visiting China, and as they sit down to dinner they begin to wonder about whether there are any ancient synagogues to visit.
The waiter comes to take their order, and the couple asks if there are any Chinese jews, the waiter asks them to wait a minute and comes right back.
"We have apple Jews, orange Jews, grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews."
Cr
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Rabbi becomes the head of a synagogue in a new town.
One of the old men in town dies and it comes down to the new Rabbi to hold f**... services for the old man. He begins the service, but soon realizes he did not know the man at all so he has nothing to say. He says to the audience: "I am new to this town and I did not know this man's life, you here all knew him well, is there anyone among you who has a fond memory or something nice to say about him in his passing?" A minute of deafening silence passes as the audience says nothing, two minutes, three, and the Rabbi begins to get nervous. Finally, before he is forced to speak, from the back of the room a person shouts, "HIS BROTHER WAS WORSE!"
A crying jewish man goes to the synagogue
He stumbles to the floor and just lies there, sobbing and crying.
Suddenly he hears a voice from above: "What's wrong my child?".
"Oh", cries the man, "it is horrible. My son got baptized."
"Happened to me too", says the voice. "In the end I had to write a New Testament".
PS: Translation of a German joke, I hope it still works in English.
A popular joke within the Jewish community: Four Rabbis are arguing late at night over a passage of the Talmud
Three of the four rabbis argue that the text proves humanity is inherently evil. The fourth rabbi argues that human consciousness means we can choose all of our actions without moral disposition.
After three more hours of arguing, the fourth rabbi shouts, ADONAI, IF I AM CORRECT, GIVE ME A SIGN!
All of the sudden, lighting cracks directly next to the synagogue, splitting a tree perfectly in half without singeing a single leaf or blade of grass below.
The first three rabbis pause, before one of them declares,
* That's still two against three! *
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rabbi and a priest are asking for charity outside of a church...
They are standing one next to the other as the congregation is exiting mass. They look at the Rabbi with disdain and give more money to the priest.
Until o**... sees the rabbi hasn't collected any money and decides to help him out Rabbi, why don't you try asking for charity outside of a synagogue?
The rabbi turns to the priest Moshe, this guy wants to teach us marketing
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A f**... service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying the casket.
As they are walking the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At the u**...
Two man, p**... side by side.
"Sorry sir, do you happen to be of the Jewish faith?"
"Erh... yes I am."
"You are from Krakow?"
"Yes."
"And did you always go to the small synagogue in the Lipowitz Street?"
"Yes, do we know each other?"
"I don't think so. But you were born between 1970 and 1980?"
"Yes, could you finally tell me where we met?"
"We have not met, sir. But in the small synagogue in the Lipowitz Street in Krakow, Rabbi Goldberg war responsible for the bris in between 1970 and 1980. And the good Rabbi never managed to make a clean cut. And you're p**... on my shoes".
A Jewish woman wants her son to have a bris but her Christian husband is against it
She goes against his wishes and has a secret bris.
The husband shows up unannounced and everyone in the synagogue is in shock.
The mother gasps, "How did you know?!"
The father replies "I could see it coming a mohel away."
