The Best 36 Swore Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Swore jokes. There are some swore beak jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these swore swear puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Swore Jokes and Puns

Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me.

Everyone I told swore they wouldn't tell anyone else.

I saw a guy smoking two cigarettes today

I was walking down the street and saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, I asked him about it and he said that his friend recently went to jail and that he swore upon his life to always smoke on his behalf as long as he is in jail.

A month later I walk by the same street and spot the same guy, but this time he only had one cigarette in his mouth.
I asked him if his friend got out of jail to which he responded "Nah man, I quit smoking"

I was holding a door open for an Asian Guy.

I was holding a door open for an Asian Guy.

Once he went though, He said, 'Sank you'.

I Swore at him and kicked him in the Shin.

I Then said, 'Never bring up Pearl Harbor like that'

Swore joke, I was holding a door open for an Asian Guy.

Someone stole my watch and stepped on it.

I beat them up. I swore to myself that day that that would never happen again. Not on my watch.

I was walking down the street when I saw a black man carrying a tv...

I could've swore it was mine, but then I remembered mine was at the house polishing my shoes.


"IT'S A BOY!" I shouted. "A BOY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY!"

And with tears streaming down my face, I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel...

Some friends of mine recently lost their baby.

They swore to never dress him in camouflage again if he turns up.

Swore joke, Some friends of mine recently lost their baby.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.

...and his wife is livid.
You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45!
"No," slurs the mathematician...
I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.

Last night for Halloween, I saw exactly 12 people dressed like Eleven.

I know this because after the 9th 11, I swore I'd never forget.

My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments.

Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.

I swore at a nun the other day...

She hit me with her ruler,

It was a measured response.

You can explore swore teed reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean swore solemnly dad jokes. There are also swore puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A barrel of oil swore at me.

So I told it to stop being crude

My Brother took going to jail really badly.

He refused food or drink. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and started throwing things.

We never played Monopoly again.

"Mom! How did you meet Dad?"

"He burnt me in 1605 and I swore to find him and take a revenge."

My friend swore to me that he'd become vegan, and I finally decided to call out his bullshit

...but tbh I knew he was wrong after the first bite

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m and his wife is livid.
You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45!
"No," slurs the mathematician I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.

Swore joke, A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m

My wife's twin tricked me into sleeping with them

I swore I had no idea, but she just never forgave me for sleeping with her brother.

My brother took going to jail pretty hard. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at everyone who passed by, and smeared his own feces all over the walls...

Needless to say we'll never play Monopoly again..

My brother took going to jail really badly.

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.


There was a man who swore he was getting smaller.

Everyday, his height decreases by an inch. Alarmed, he visits the doctor immediately, and asks the secretary to squeeze him in.

"Surely, sir. The doctor will be here any minute. You just have to sit down and be a little patient."

When my wife was in her 20s, she was so beautiful I swore she was a siren

Now she just sounds like one.

There once was a famous fighter, anointed by the king in ancient france. After his death, all other knights swore to carry on his battle tactics, named after him in his honor, for all wars to come.

His name was Sir Render.

I walked into a bar full of ugly women last night and swore I entered the Matrix.

Because all I was seeing were 1s and 0s

Brett was swore into the supreme court las night

I spent the whole night cussing him out.

All politicians are liars.

Look at John F. Kennedy, he swore he'd serve a full term.

Sister told me the police were going to do a welfare check on my aunt...

Could have swore that she got those in the mail....

I once knew a lesbian who swore off men

Until she met that woman who made her swear off women

I swore off elevators

because I refuse to let a machine bring me down.

PUBG swore they would end fortnite.

2 weeks later, Fortnight was over.

Don't Swear At Other Drivers!

Eddie was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way.  Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig'.  The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie.  Then his car hit the pig.

The government swore to shut down Fortnite due to claims of the video game aggravating children and teens worldwide.

Two weeks later, Fortnight was finished.

A mathematician comes home, drunk, to his wife.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., his wife is furious.

You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45! she yelled.

"No," slurs the mathematician... I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.

When I was a kid, my parents always said, "Excuse my French!" whenever they swore.

I'll never forget my first day at school when my teacher asked the class of any of us knew any French.

My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants.

I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!

The difference between a man and a woman's friends.

A wife did not come home one night and the next day the husband was furious. She swore she spent the night at a girlfriend's house.

The husband called 10 of his wife's closest friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

To get her back he did not come home the next night. The next day his wife met him at the door furious at him. He swore he spent the night at his buddy's house.

She called 10 of his closest friends. 8 of them confirmed that he spent the night at their house, two of them swore that he was still there sound asleep.

Who swore the most in star wars?

R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the swore fidelity jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working swore flew piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes