Sword Jokes

135 sword jokes and hilarious sword puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sword that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover humorous jokes related to swords! Whether you're a fan of Samurai sword duels, katanas from Sword Art Online, sword swallowing stunts, or the mystical Skyward Blade, you'll get a laugh out of these puns and one-liners!

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Funniest Sword Short Jokes

Short sword jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sword humour may include short weapon jokes also.

  1. Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword" He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
  2. My fencing opponent laughed at me for bringing a block of cheddar to a sword fight. Until he discovered it was extra sharp.
  3. My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business. He made some excellent points.
  4. What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a small fencing sword? One's a little rapier...
  5. Did you know Will Smith can make swords? Of course he can; he's a blacksmith
    Some may think the joke isn't funny, but I think it slaps.
  6. The Hero: I'm on a quest to avenge the death of my Father! The Paladin: You have my sword!
    The Elf: And my bow!
    The Dwarf: And my axe!
    The Necromancer: And your father!
  7. My wife asked me how Wonder Woman got her new sword in the Justice League movie... I told her that she must have Amazon Prime
  8. I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters. If you want, I can samurais it for you.
  9. They say that if you live by the sword, you die by the sword. Maybe Jesus shouldn't have been a carpenter.
  10. does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have... ...a duel meaning.

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Sword One Liners

Which sword one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sword? I can suggest the ones about blade and knife.

  1. Chuck Norris killed 5 people with a sword Then 20 more without the sheath
  2. What's the perfect 'S' word? Sword.
  3. What do you call a sword only used by women? A broadsword.
  4. I was going to buy an invisible sword... But I don't see the point.
  5. What kind of sword does a dueling priest wield? A Rapier
  6. What's the quickest way to earn karma using your sword-fighting abilities? Riposte
  7. Why don't we use swords anymore? Aren't they still cutting edge technology?
  8. The pen is mightier than the sword... And considerably easier to write with.
  9. I would post a joke about sword fighting But it's a riposte
  10. What did the neckbeard name his samurai sword? M'Bladey
  11. King Arthur pulled the sword from the stone. King arthritis on the other hand...
  12. What kind of sword is good for chopping up young girls? A cutlass.
  13. Why is the pen mightier than the sword? the pen can turn sword into words
  14. The pen is mightier than the sword but it can't defeat Macron.
  15. So it was in fact Le Sword That is mightier than Le Pen.

Sword Fighting Jokes

Here is a list of funny sword fighting jokes and even better sword fighting puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A joke about sword fighting I thought I invented a joke about sword fighting, but turns out it's just a riposte.
  • Me: There are no jokes to be made about sword fighting Mate: What about when someone makes a good point against you?
    Me: Touche
  • I was sword fighting this guy medieval style then all of a sudden he starts to unscrew his pommel And then it hit me...
  • Why did the samurai lose the duel at high noon? Because he brought a sword to a sho-gun fight.
  • I read an article about Japanese sword fights It was super long though, let me know if I should samuraize it for you.
  • A ninja is getting ready to fight a samurai The ninjas friend asks him "do you really think you can kill him without a sword?"
  • How would you fight a gay knight ? With a straight sword.
  • I was the comedic host at a banquet for sword swallowers when a food fight broke out... I killed!
  • A new study has found that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword More great work form the University of People Who Will Never Win Sword Fights.
  • Two Mexicans had a sword fight. The winner raised his sword and said "There can only be Juan."

Samurai Sword Jokes

Here is a list of funny samurai sword jokes and even better samurai sword puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • (real news) In Virginia, a man stole a samurai sword from a store by hiding it in his pants. He later denied having the sword, telling police he *was* just glad to see them.
  • It's Amusingly hypocritical for my wife to get upset at me buying a $89 samurai sword When she has no problem spending $150 on groceries.
  • What do you get when a samurai crosses swords with a Roman dictator? A Caesar salad.
    Happy belated Ides of March, everybody!
  • Samurai wielding sword: now we fight to the death **Me, nervously clicking pen:** t-they better be right about this
Sword joke, Samurai wielding sword: now we fight to the death

Sword Swallowing Jokes

Here is a list of funny sword swallowing jokes and even better sword swallowing puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My brother's in the circus - he gets £500 a week for swallowing a four-foot sword. What's so good about swallowing a four-foot sword? He's only three feet tall.
  • Your mom should join the circus she's very good at swallowing swords.
  • Sword s**... found dead The police suspect it's an inside job
  • The sword s**... went to a sewing store to buy pins and needles He was on a diet
  • A sword juggler walks up to a sword s**... and asks, "Don't you think what you do is a little dangerous?" The sword s**... turns around and points to the sword in his mouth.

Katana Sword Jokes

Here is a list of funny katana sword jokes and even better katana sword puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call a sword that commits s**... assault? A Kavanaugh Katana

Sword Art Online Jokes

Here is a list of funny sword art online jokes and even better sword art online puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call a bad saber picture on the internet? Sword Art Online.
Sword joke, What do you call a bad saber picture on the internet?

Laughable Sword Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles

What funny jokes about sword you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shotgun jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sword pranks.

Only the true king could pull the sword from the stone... no one else could... they didn't have...


How did the dagger feel after he was done exercising?

He was a little sword

An instructor was teaching a young man how to swordfight.

The young man wasn't terribly good, but he had a rather high opinion of his abilities. In a practice duel with the instructor, he was continually waving his sword about arrogantly, in wide strokes, and often leaving himself wide open to attack.
The instructor thought "he won't last five minutes with that attitude, so I need to scare it out of him. But I don't want to hurt the poor kid too badly."
The instructor feinted.

The swordsman thought he won his fight but in fact

His opponent feinted

Swordplay on words

A fencer was sparring with his mentor. They had sparred many times before, but today, for some reason, the fencer just wasn't able to land a single hit.
"Ha!" the mentor taunted, "You'll never win if you keep using such obvious attacks!"
The fencer feinted.

Hopefully you guys get it.

A man was looking for a person to teach him martial arts, so he goes in to see a supposed ninja to ask for lessons. When he walks in he sees the ninja slicing at a fly with his sword, but not being able to kill it. The man says, "How can you teach me martial arts if you can't even hit a fly!?" The ninja then reply's, "Oh, don't worry, that fly won't be having any children."

My sister told me I'd never be able to kill a man with my pasta...

... She soon learned that the penne's mightier than the sword!

I use a sword to argue with people.

They usually get my point.

What did the dagger say to the sword?

Dagger: Are you like me, just bigger?
Sword: Sword of.

Who wins between a n**... guy and a fencing champion?

n**... guy, because pen is mightier than sword

Why is a fencing sword more likely to commit s**... assault

because its a bit rapier.

What's the difference between committing seppuku and impaling yourself with a sword?

They're the same thing but committing seppuku comes with a little twist.

A king gets murdered in his sleep...

Two of his most loyal servants found the body, with a sword in the king's chest. One the servants turns to the other and says "Wow, he must have had a bad knight."

The pen is mightier than the sword...


I like cutting up broccoli because...

It makes me feel like a giant, wielding a tiny anime sword, cutting down tiny trees..

Junk foods are so versatile!

A bag of Lays can be used as fuel for a fire in an emergency, you can have finger sword fights with Bugles, and now, a Cheeto has won the United States Presidential Election!

Only a coward brings a gun to a swordfight,

But only a m**... brings a sword to a gunfight.

What do you call it when two well endowed astrophysicists have a gay sword fight?

A Large h**... Collider.

The swordfish doesn't have any natural predators to fear of ...

... except for the penfish, which is thought to be even mightier.

Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest

Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"

Swordfish & mako shark specials tonight...

Swordfish & mako shark specials tonight. Lady asked which would be faster. I said the swordfish can reach speeds up to 60mph, shark 42mph...

I told my neighbour that I was scared our dog would run away.

He said, "Have you thought about fencing?"
"No," I said, "I don't even own a sword."

Spam in the Middle Ages

A prince is awaiting a letter from his loved one for three days and three nights. On the fourth day, a pigeon flies in and drops a letter on his lap. When he opens it he reads:
"Get your sword forged for cheap"

Wonder Woman has a lot of equipment. A lasso, bracelets, tiara, sword, shield... I used to wonder where she gets it all, but then I remembered...


The pen is not mightier than the sword.

But if the pen is long and sharp, it may be a draw.

Blacksmith: I've just about finished this sword, just need to work out the kinks.

Sword: I like feet

Today I met a guy who's last name was Rapier.

I thought it was an awesome name, until he told me people sometimes think it's pronounced "r**...".
I guess his name is a double-edged sword.

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword"

Makes sense
He was a carpenter who died from being nailed to a piece of wood

Ig the Knight

Once upon a time, there was a soldier named Ig. In a recent battle, Ig showed courage and bravery, saving 20 men by himself!
To honour Ig's heroic act, the Queen of the kingdom was to knight him. Ig knelt before Her Majesty, as she tapped each shoulder of his with a sword. As she finished, Ig the Knight burst into flames! The Queen, astonished by what happened, asked her squire why he lit on fire.
Stunned, the squire spoke, "Ig...Knighted..."

What does a sword and a musical instrument have in common?

They both know how to b sharp.

The swordfish has only one predator to worry about.

The penfish.

I wish the Antique Roadshow guy just told me how much my antique sword is worth.

Instead of being all nosy about where all the blood came from.

Show me the way of sword fencing!

Hi, I am from the sword fencing team. Everyone told me to come here because you guys are the masters of riposting.

What do you call a man with a sword and severe anxiety?

A worrier.

My opinion on abortion is kind of a double edged sword...

I like the idea of killing babies, but not the idea of giving women the chance to make decisions.

Son: Dad, if the blacksmith forges the sword, who sells it?

Dad: That's easy son. Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

The swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild,

Except for the seldom seen penfish which is said to be even mightier.

What do you call a sword that commits s**... assault?

A Rapier!

The swordfish has very few natural predators.

One being the penfish which is considered mightier.

The pen is mightier than the sword.

That's why school shooters use the ar-15

Why couldnt anyone else pull the sword from the stone?

They didn't have the arthurization.

What do you get when your lovers soul is permanently stuck in a sword?

A bae-blade

So a pirate walks into a bar and sits down next to a man.

The man says, How did you get your peg leg?
The pirate says, A cannon blew me leg straight off.
The man asks, How did you get your hook?
The pirate says, I lost it in a sword fight.
The man asks, How did you get your eye patch?
The pirate says, I was looking at the clouds and a seagull pooped in my eye.
The man says, You lost your eye because of p**...?
The pirate says, Nay, it was my first day with the hook.

A sailor walks into a bar

The barkeep asks, "How did you end up with that peg leg?"
And the pirate replies, "A cannon ball blasted out the deck and took me leg with it."
"Why do you have that hook?"
"Arrrgh! We was looting a ship and lost me hand in a sword fight."
"And the eye patch?"
"I looked up at a seagull and blimey, the scalliwag crapped right in me eye."
"You lost your eye from bird p**...?"
"It was me first day with the hook."

Jesu‌‌s onc‌‌e sai‌‌d "H‌‌e wh‌‌o live‌‌s b‌‌y th‌‌e sword‌‌, wil‌‌l di‌‌e b‌‌y th‌‌e sword"

H‌‌e wa‌‌s ‌‌a carpente‌‌r tha‌‌t die‌‌d b‌‌y bein‌‌g naile‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a piec‌‌e o‌‌f wood‌‌, s‌‌o h‌‌e migh‌‌t hav‌‌e ha‌‌d ‌‌a point.

Jesus said 'he who lives by the sword does by the sword'

And in all fairness he had a point. After all he was a carpenter who died by being hammered to a piece of wood.

A joke I translated from Russian

A pauper is sitting by a road in medieval England. All of a sudden, Robin Hood comes out of the forest, throws a bag of gold at the pauper's feet and says, "I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."
The pauper tears up, embraces Robin Hood and says, "I am finally rich." Robin Hood then stabs the pauper with his sword,
"I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."

A pirate at sea has a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch.

One of his companions ask how he lost his leg. He answers, "A cannonball." Then his companion asks how he lost his hand. He answers, "A sword." When the companion asks how he lost his eye, the man says, "A spray of the sea."
It was his first day with the hook.

It was a man's first day on a pirate ship.

He noticed the captain had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye.
The man was curious so he asked the captain how he lost his leg.
The captain responded, Arrrrr, a shark bit me leg off.
The man asked how he lost his hand. Arrrr, I lost me hand in a sword fight.
Finally, the man asked the captain while he wears a patch over his eye. The captain said, Arrrr, a seagull pooped in me eye, and it was me first day with a hook.

The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...

....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

I was confident I could win the duel until my opponent swung his sword at my ankles.

Alas, I was de-feeted.

A british Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:
"Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot."
Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

How come the Fresh Prince was able to craft a sword?

He's a black Smith.

Sword joke, How come the Fresh Prince was able to craft a sword?

jokes about sword