Sword Jokes
125 sword jokes and hilarious sword puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sword that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover humorous jokes related to swords! Whether you're a fan of Samurai sword duels, katanas from Sword Art Online, sword swallowing stunts, or the mystical Skyward Blade, you'll get a laugh out of these puns and one-liners!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Sword Short Jokes
Short sword jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sword humour may include short blade jokes also.
- Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword" He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
- My fencing opponent laughed at me for bringing a block of cheddar to a sword fight. Until he discovered it was extra sharp.
- My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business. He made some excellent points.
- What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a small fencing sword? One's a little rapier...
- Did you know Will Smith can make swords? Of course he can; he's a blacksmith
Some may think the joke isn't funny, but I think it slaps. - My wife asked me how Wonder Woman got her new sword in the Justice League movie... I told her that she must have Amazon Prime
- I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters. If you want, I can samurais it for you.
- They say that if you live by the sword, you die by the sword. Maybe Jesus shouldn't have been a carpenter.
- does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have... ...a duel meaning.
- Why did the pirate only use his swords on women? Because they were cutlasses, not cutlads.
Share These Sword Jokes With Friends
Sword One Liners
Which sword one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sword? I can suggest the ones about knife and shotgun.
- Chuck Norris killed 5 people with a sword Then 20 more without the sheath
- What's the perfect 'S' word? Sword.
- What do you call a sword only used by women? A broadsword.
- I was going to buy an invisible sword... But I don't see the point.
- What kind of sword does a dueling priest wield? A Rapier
- What's the quickest way to earn karma using your sword-fighting abilities? Riposte
- Why don't we use swords anymore? Aren't they still cutting edge technology?
- The pen is mightier than the sword... And considerably easier to write with.
- What did the neckbeard name his samurai sword? M'Bladey
- King Arthur pulled the sword from the stone. King arthritis on the other hand...
- Why is the pen mightier than the sword? the pen can turn sword into words
- The pen is mightier than the sword but it can't defeat Macron.
- So it was in fact Le Sword That is mightier than Le Pen.
- How come the Fresh Prince was able to craft a sword? He's a black Smith.
- What do you get when your lovers soul is permanently stuck in a sword? A bae-blade
Sword Fighting Jokes
Here is a list of funny sword fighting jokes and even better sword fighting puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Me: There are no jokes to be made about sword fighting Mate: What about when someone makes a good point against you?
Me: Touche - I was sword fighting this guy medieval style then all of a sudden he starts to unscrew his pommel And then it hit me...
- Why did the samurai lose the duel at high noon? Because he brought a sword to a sho-gun fight.
- A new study has found that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword More great work form the University of People Who Will Never Win Sword Fights.
- Two Mexicans had a sword fight. The winner raised his sword and said "There can only be Juan."
- What happens when two asians sword fight *Ching* *Ching* *Chong*
- What do you call a dolphin... that shoots a gun and sword fights?
A duel porpoise.
Samurai Sword Jokes
Here is a list of funny samurai sword jokes and even better samurai sword puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- (real news) In Virginia, a man stole a samurai sword from a store by hiding it in his pants. He later denied having the sword, telling police he *was* just glad to see them.
- It's Amusingly hypocritical for my wife to get upset at me buying a $89 samurai sword When she has no problem spending $150 on groceries.
- What do you get when a samurai crosses swords with a Roman dictator? A Caesar salad.
Happy belated Ides of March, everybody!
Sword Art Online Jokes
Here is a list of funny sword art online jokes and even better sword art online puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a bad saber picture on the internet? Sword Art Online.
Laughable Sword Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about sword you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean swing jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sword pranks.
How did the dagger feel after he was done exercising?
He was a little sword
An instructor was teaching a young man how to swordfight.
The young man wasn't terribly good, but he had a rather high opinion of his abilities. In a practice duel with the instructor, he was continually waving his sword about arrogantly, in wide strokes, and often leaving himself wide open to attack.
The instructor thought "he won't last five minutes with that attitude, so I need to scare it out of him. But I don't want to hurt the poor kid too badly."
The instructor feinted.
The swordsman thought he won his fight but in fact
His opponent feinted
Swordplay on words
A fencer was sparring with his mentor. They had sparred many times before, but today, for some reason, the fencer just wasn't able to land a single hit.
"Ha!" the mentor taunted, "You'll never win if you keep using such obvious attacks!"
The fencer feinted.
When pen is mighter then sword?
The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
Hopefully you guys get it.
A man was looking for a person to teach him martial arts, so he goes in to see a supposed ninja to ask for lessons. When he walks in he sees the ninja slicing at a fly with his sword, but not being able to kill it. The man says, "How can you teach me martial arts if you can't even hit a fly!?" The ninja then reply's, "Oh, don't worry, that fly won't be having any children."
My sister told me I'd never be able to kill a man with my pasta...
... She soon learned that the penne's mightier than the sword!
Lets assume that bungie patches the 2 swords strategy on crota
And they put the sword barers on a 1 at a time timer should they add time to crota's enrage timer and the ogre timers?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I use a sword to argue with people.
They usually get my point.
What did the dagger say to the sword?
Dagger: Are you like me, just bigger?
Sword: Sword of.
If the pen is mightier than the sword...
... Then why do actions speak louder than words?
A midget walks into a doctors clinic carrying a sword
Doctor: Gerald! What's gotten into you man?
Midget: Sorry, I feel a little Sikh.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who wins between a n**... guy and a fencing champion?
n**... guy, because pen is mightier than sword
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is a fencing sword more likely to commit s**... assault
because its a bit rapier.
If the pen is mightier than the sword, lets have a dual.
I'll give you the advantage; you get to use the pen.
A king gets murdered in his sleep...
Two of his most loyal servants found the body, with a sword in the king's chest. One the servants turns to the other and says "Wow, he must have had a bad knight."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like cutting up broccoli because...
It makes me feel like a giant, wielding a tiny anime sword, cutting down tiny trees..
Junk foods are so versatile!
A bag of Lays can be used as fuel for a fire in an emergency, you can have finger sword fights with Bugles, and now, a Cheeto has won the United States Presidential Election!
Which is more threatening?
A big sword or a small sword?
The small sword - it's a little rapier
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Only a coward brings a gun to a swordfight,
But only a m**... brings a sword to a gunfight.
My brother's in the circus - he gets £500 a week for swallowing a four-foot sword.
What's so good about swallowing a four-foot sword? He's only three feet tall.
What did the newly-sharpened sword say to its knight?
I'm whet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call it when two well endowed astrophysicists have a gay sword fight?
A Large h**... Collider.
"The pen is mightier than the sword"
- Last words of stabbed man
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My bragging friend
My friend bragged that his dad had a hat of Lincoln and sword of Washington. But I told him my dad has an Adam's apple.
You know what the French Presidential Election has taught us?
Le Pen is mightier than the sword.
News just in from France...
Le Pen is indeed mightier than Le Sword.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest
Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"
Swordfish & mako shark specials tonight...
Swordfish & mako shark specials tonight. Lady asked which would be faster. I said the swordfish can reach speeds up to 60mph, shark 42mph...
I told my neighbour that I was scared our dog would run away.
He said, "Have you thought about fencing?"
"No," I said, "I don't even own a sword."
Spam in the Middle Ages
A prince is awaiting a letter from his loved one for three days and three nights. On the fourth day, a pigeon flies in and drops a letter on his lap. When he opens it he reads:
"Get your sword forged for cheap"
What did the talking sword do when it was unsheathed?
*SING*
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
The pen is not mightier than the sword.
But if the pen is long and sharp, it may be a draw.
Blacksmith: I've just about finished this sword, just need to work out the kinks.
Sword: I like feet
Why do swordfish always win arguments?
They always have a good point.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today I met a guy who's last name was Rapier.
I thought it was an awesome name, until he told me people sometimes think it's pronounced "r**...".
I guess his name is a double-edged sword.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword"
Makes sense
He was a carpenter who died from being nailed to a piece of wood
What's the opposite of a sword with a huge, hard edge that you can run fast with?
A sword with a Microsoft Edge
Ig the Knight
Once upon a time, there was a soldier named Ig. In a recent battle, Ig showed courage and bravery, saving 20 men by himself!
To honour Ig's heroic act, the Queen of the kingdom was to knight him. Ig knelt before Her Majesty, as she tapped each shoulder of his with a sword. As she finished, Ig the Knight burst into flames! The Queen, astonished by what happened, asked her squire why he lit on fire.
Stunned, the squire spoke, "Ig...Knighted..."
What does a sword and a musical instrument have in common?
They both know how to b sharp.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, I walked in on He-Man while he was m**......
He just was so embarrassed and tried to explain Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword .
I wish the Antique Roadshow guy just told me how much my antique sword is worth.
Instead of being all nosy about where all the blood came from.
Everything is a double edged sword.
Even a single edged sword. One side is sharp, but the other is dull and mostly useless. It's kind of a double edged sword.
Show me the way of sword fencing!
Hi, I am from the sword fencing team. Everyone told me to come here because you guys are the masters of riposting.
What do you call a man with a sword and severe anxiety?
A worrier.
Son: Dad, if the blacksmith forges the sword, who sells it?
Dad: That's easy son. Whoever smelt it, dealt it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sword s**... found dead
The police suspect it's an inside job
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The sword s**... went to a sewing store to buy pins and needles
He was on a diet
The pen is mightier than the sword.
That's why school shooters use the ar-15
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was the comedic host at a banquet for sword swallowers when a food fight broke out...
I killed!
A blacksmith is stressed
So he goes into his shop and starts holding a sword straight against the grindstone. His apprentice comes in and asks
"What are you doing?"
"Oh just taking the edge off"
Why couldnt anyone else pull the sword from the stone?
They didn't have the arthurization.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A ninja is getting ready to fight a samurai
The ninjas friend asks him "do you really think you can kill him without a sword?"
"Sure-i-can"
Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"
He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus said 'he who lives by the sword does by the sword'
And in all fairness he had a point. After all he was a carpenter who died by being hammered to a piece of wood.
A joke I translated from Russian
A pauper is sitting by a road in medieval England. All of a sudden, Robin Hood comes out of the forest, throws a bag of gold at the pauper's feet and says, "I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."
The pauper tears up, embraces Robin Hood and says, "I am finally rich." Robin Hood then stabs the pauper with his sword,
"I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."
It was a man's first day on a pirate ship.
He noticed the captain had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye.
The man was curious so he asked the captain how he lost his leg.
The captain responded, Arrrrr, a shark bit me leg off.
The man asked how he lost his hand. Arrrr, I lost me hand in a sword fight.
Finally, the man asked the captain while he wears a patch over his eye. The captain said, Arrrr, a seagull pooped in me eye, and it was me first day with a hook.
The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...
....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Samurai wielding sword: now we fight to the death
**Me, nervously clicking pen:** t-they better be right about this
I was confident I could win the duel until my opponent swung his sword at my ankles.
Alas, I was de-feeted.
