Swollen Jokes
24 swollen jokes and hilarious swollen puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about swollen that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Tired of your everyday jokes? Check out the latest collection of swollen jokes! From swollen eyes and feet to sore testicles and varicose veins, these unprofessional jokes are sure to get you laughing.
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Funniest Swollen Short Jokes
Short swollen jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The swollen humour may include short swelling jokes also.
- My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
- At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.
- At the gym Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red)...I can't see you anymore...I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!
Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up. - Why I got fired from Sam's Club. I referred to an overweight shopper as a "swollen member"
- Went in to doctor's office with a swollen foot. He said it's not the rich man's disease. There's no gout about it.
- I went to the Dr. with symptoms of a sore thumb and swollen forearm ... He diagnosed me with Tinder-nitis
- He slapped his two inches on the doctors desk. The doctor said "What is wrong with it?" "It's swollen."
- What are two things a black man can't get in a fist fight.
A black eye, and a swollen lip.
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Swollen One Liners
Which swollen one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with swollen? I can suggest the ones about inflated and bruised.
- What do you tell a person with two swollen eyes ? Nothing, you already told 'em twice.
- I never knew I was allergic to iron... Because after hitting the weights I get swollen.
- What type of guy What do you call someone who fights wth swollen feet
Feet-y Wap - What did the swollen prostate say during the prostatectomy? I'm out, u**....
Howlingly Hilarious Swollen Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about swollen you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bulge jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make swollen pranks.
Guy goes to the doctor
A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.
The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop m**...."
"What? Why?" asks the guy.
"Because I'm trying to examine your knee."
Not Pregnant
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would not compromise her reputation by having s**... with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."
A boy with swollen cheek.
Mom looks at her son and asks "What happened Timmy?".
Tim replies "A fly landed on my face in the garden.".
"Did it bite you?" asks mom.
"No, dad killed it with a shovel." says Tim.
A guy meets his friend on the street
but his friend has a horribly swollen face, is missing teeth, has scratches on his arms, blood all over his shirt and he looks scared and disorientated. Of course his friend gets extremely worried and asks:
"Are you all right?! What happened dude?"
"I just buried my mother-in-law..."
"So?"
"Well she resisted".
Two guys sitting in a doctor's office waiting room....
First guy says to second guy:
"I ...I...I...I'm hhhhh... hear ....fffffff...for my stttut...stutttering ppp,ppp, problem. Yyyy, you?"
Second guy says:
"I'm here because I have a swollen prostate, gonna get it checked"
First guy says:
"wwwww, what hhhhh, hhhappens wwwheeen y, yoour, ppppp, pprostate swelll, swells?
Second guys says:
"well, basically, I pee like you talk"
Ian had a swollen nose
One day Joe went to see his friend Ian, and noticed he had a big swollen nose.
Whoa, what happened, lan? he asked.
I sniffed a brose, Ian replied.
What? Joe said. There's no 'b' in rose!
Ian replied, There was in this one!
Two cannibals
Two cannibals are lying around with swollen bellies surrounded by bones.
"Your wife sure makes a great stew," says the first cannibal.
"She sure does," replies the second, "but I'm sure going to miss her."
The monkey god versus Jesus
The monkey god wukong was bored one day and challenged Jesus to see who was stronger. Jesus agreed on one condition that he would hit first. Wukong agreed and Jesus gave him one good punch unto his face causing wukong to fly across the sky. 7 days later, wukong returned with a swollen face and said "my turn". He then punched Jesus in the face so hard that the Christians are still looking for him to this day.
My daughter is a good girl
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!" The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having s**... with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
A woman takes her daughter to the doctor
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would not compromise her reputation by having s**... with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."
