His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
None of them, France would surrender and Italy would switch sides.
Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.
Because halfway through they get to switch sides
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
But mid-way through development they made the switch.
If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British
If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German
If they retreat, they're French
If they switch to your side, they're Italian
If they apologize, they're Canadian
If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American
You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.
It was a real game changer.
They're afraid of change.
Switch off the light.
Walking into the bar, Bob said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said John "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Bob replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit!!
There would be mass confusion
...it was time for a Switch.
My current barber just isn't cutting it.
I don't know. They won't go near the Switch.
Nothing personal, it was just time for a switch
The line for the Nintendo Switch
Whenever people ask me if I think it's healthier I tell them "Nah, I just got tired of them asking why their picture is on the back of the milk cartons."
Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession and tells the priest a couple of mild sins.
"Is that all?" asks the priest, surprised.
"Yes, that's it. There are no more sins."
"And who steals apples from my garden?" asks the priest.
"Father, the acoustics in here are terrible, I can't hear a word you say!" claims Tony.
"What do you mean? Tell me who steals my apples!" demands the priest.
"Everything you say, I can't comprehend it in here! Let's switch places if you don't believe me!" suggests Tony.
The priest comes into the chamber where Tony sat and Tony into where the priest sat.
"Father, who lies with my wife when I'm not at home?" asks Tony.
"You're right, Tony, the acoustics in here are indeed terrible," agrees the priest.
...but I couldn't Celeron it.
A thief climbs in through a ground floor window one night and starts looking for valuables in the sitting room when suddenly he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you. " he shows hi flashlight around the room but upon seeing nothing continues his search. A few minutes later he heard the same voice say "Jesus is watching you. " he flicks on the light switch and discovers a parrot in the corner. The parrot says "Jesus is watching you." The robber replies "are you Jesus?"
The parrot says "no I am Moses."
The robber replies " who calls there parrot Moses?" To which the parrot replies " the same guy that calls his Rottweiler Jesus"
"What's going to happen to me when the war is over?" Hitler asked
"We're going to switch places" replied the portrait.
"How so?"
"They're going to take me down and hang you up."
*A Mass Confusion*
They never switch off.
I just moved in to a new flat with two girls, it's been a bit of a nightmare to be honest. The first one has really bad OCD, whenever she goes in to a room she has to turn the light switch on and off 17 times. That's nothing compared to the other one, she's got epilepsy
...and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track".
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there" answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then" Tom continued "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box".
"What if the phone was busy?" "In that case" Tom argued "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalised?" "Oh well" said Tom "In that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash!"
One asks another one:
-Hey bro are you jacking off?
The other one replies:
-Yes,why?
The first one says:
-Can you please switch to yourself...
There were two brothers sleeping on a bunk bed.
The older brother, on top, was having sex with his girlfriend, but they knew they had to be discreet about what they were doing, so as to not corrupt the younger brother.
The couple decide they will come up with code-words:
Lettuce = harder
Tomato = switch positions
Ham = faster
As they're having sex, the girl is yelling "lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce, ham!!"
After they're finished, the younger brother shouts up and says "you guys are sloppy sandwich makers, how did you get mayonnaise on me all the way down here?!"
And both are due to be executed the same night. The Texan is due to be executed first, via electric chair.
"Sir, I'd like to remind you that if three attempts go by and you are still alive, you will be free to go. Any last words?"
"I apologize to the victim's family."
The executioner pulls the switch. Nothing happens. He does it again. Nothing. On the final attempt he pulls with all his might…still nothing.
"Well, you're free now, sir." After undoing the straps, the Texan skips away happily. Now it is the West Virginian's turn.
"Sir, I'd like to remind you that if three attempts go by and you are still alive, you will be free to go. Any last words?"
"You all know that the wall socket there is unplugged, right?"
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
She's always in a rush, saying, "Come on! Let's go! We gotta move! We're gunna be late! Drive faster! Switch lanes! We gotta beat the crowd!" I look at her every time and say, "Leave it to you to play the race card."
...if its value decreases any more, Europe might have to switch back to their old international currency, Czechoslovakia.
Looks like they decided it's a good time for a Switch.
He said to his chauffeur, "You know, I never get to drive. I want to drive."
The chauffeur doesn't want to say no to the pope, so they switch places.
Immediately, the pope floors it, sideswiping cars and running red lights.
Eventually, he gets pulled over. The cop knocks on the window and the pope rolls it down.
The cop looks at the pope, then at the chauffeur in the back, and goes back to his car.
He radios in to his superior and says, "Sir, I don't think I can arrest this guy. I think he's God, he has the pope driving for him."
I think that's why I lost my job in the Intensive Care Unit
You switch sides at half time.
As they're in the car, each time the Priest goes to switch gears, he rests his hand on the nuns knee.
The nun looks up at the priest and says "Father, remember Luke 14 10."
The priest moves his hand away, embarrassed. The next time they stop at a light, he places his hand a little higher on her leg.
Once again, the nun says "Remember Luke 14 10, father."
The priest apologizes, "The flesh is weak" he says.
The priest drops the nun off, and when he gets home, he reaches for his bible and flips to Luke 14 10, which says.
"Friend, come up higher. Then shalt thow have glory."
...making it much easier to wait til 5 o'clock to start drinking
Apparently he's a great switch hitter.
But the factory owner didn't want to make the switch.
"You have him in a blue suit, and I wanted him in a brown suit," she cried.
The mortician says, "We'll take care of it ma'am," and yells to the back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
They both have problems finding x.
Apparently you are not allowed to do that if the baby is yours.
Because of all the ports
(Told to me by my wife)
So that the neighbors might think that I've an active social life...
Kermit in a blender.
The Nintendo Lite-Switch
We'd have a lengthy discussion
It was a complete flip - flop
[Deathbed]
Dad: Don't put me in the wrong burial plot
Son: Dad stop it, I'm never turning this life support off!
Dad: because that would be...a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
(cr
and will be joining the Minnesota Twins as a switch hitter.
(Sorry, news was too depressing not to joke about it)
Because he's a switch hitter
So this morning I couldn't find the light switch...
because if you find out you're gonna live in Oman, you go "yeah man!!"
but if you find out you're gonna live in Yemen, you go "oh man..."
Im so sorry
You finger it
A Nintendo switch.
And I have a good reasons why.
They needed a good switch hitter.
On the first one, there was propaganda.
On the second one, a KGB agent appeared and said "Switch back to the first channel".
A good mom will always let her child lick the cookie dough after she's finished mixing it.
The best mom will switch the mixer off first.
(This was a joke translated from Russian that my mom always told me. She was a pretty good mom ;( )
The old switcheroo!
Then, one day, the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for just one evening. The philosopher agreed, and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.
However, when the time came for questions, someone at the back of the room asked him, "Is the epistemological meta-narrative that you seem to espouse compatible with a teleological account of the universe?"
"That's an extremely simple question," he replied. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer it."
Flip it off.
A sexual revolution.
Having to switch hands at the computer.
He had a bad experience with windows.
I didn't mean to turn you on.
I took a look round the back and I said Oh, the self-awareness switch is on.
The man said That's funny, it was off last time I checked.
WIIU WIIU WIIU WIIU
Because it's harder to pick up.
No IT guys change light bulbs, they just keep flicking the switch on and off again until something happens.
The Pope travels to America. Upon arriving in America, a limo comes to pick him up. The Pope, having a simple background, had never driven a limo before. So he excitedly asks the driver if he can drive the limo to the hotel. The driver, flabbergasted, had never heard such a request before and decided "why not?" And so, the Pope and the driver switch spots and pull out of the airport. On the freeway, the Pope gets a bit too excited and starts to push more on the accelerator. Suddenly the a siren rings out. The Pope pulls over and pulls out his passport. The cop walks up and the Pope rolls down the window. "What seems to be the problem officer?" The officer immediately recognizes His Holiness and runs back to squad car. He quickly radios into headquarters. "Boss, I just pulled over a huge celebrity! What should I do?" His captain radios back, "Well....who is it?" "Sir, I have no idea. But it has to be some one big....he's got the Pope driving for him!"
To switch sides
and he's really nervous about it, so he goes and asks the older priest if he can help.
"Well I'll tell you what," says the older priest, "I'll switch out the wine for a martini so you can calm your nerves before you start talking."
"Thanks Father!" says the new priest.
After the mass is over, the new priest walks over to the older priest and asks how he did.
"Well... you did a good job for the most part, except for a few things...
-Don't refer to Jesus and his followers as 'The late JC and the boys',
-Don't call the virgin Mary 'Mary the Cherry',
-The Holy Trinity is not 'Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook',
-There's a taffy-pulling contest and St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's,
-And the drive-through confessional is a good idea, but the sign 'toot and tell or go to hell' has to go."
But on the weekend, if I'm lucky I get to switch it around.
It's not easy being a light switch
...well, it goes without saying.
There were two brothers sleeping on a bunk bed.
The older brother, on top, was having sex with his girlfriend, but they knew they had to be discreet about what they were doing, so as to not corrupt the younger brother.
The couple decide they will come up with code-words:
Lettuce = harder
Tomato = switch positions
Ham = faster
As they're having sex, the girl is yelling "lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce, ham!!"
After they're finished, the younger brother shouts up and says "you guys are sloppy sandwich makers, how did you get mayonnaise on me all the way down here?!"
"Now, with only 15 minutes, you can save 15 purr-cent on cat insurance"
> In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'
The Nintendo Sub was too under powered and the Nintendo Dom is more than I can handle.......
They need a good Switch Hitter!
They have a built in suicide switch.
Half time, they get to switch sides again
Turns out that they were a joy con.
But the time difference is steep.
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