The Best 85 Swiss Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Swiss jokes. There are some swiss bureaucrats jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these swiss swiss cheese puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Swiss Jokes and Puns

A group of revolutionaries hired a Swiss watch maker to build a clock that would chime when the overthrow began.

And the worlds first Coup Coup Clock was born...

A Swiss Army Knife is a lot like a pod of dolphins...

Multi-porpoise!

A cat eats a slice of swiss cheese...

and sits by the mousetrap with baited breath.

Swiss joke, A cat eats a slice of swiss cheese...

Victorinox, the makers of Swiss Army knives, recently branched out into the medical supply business after developing a universal tool fit for every hospital ICU.

Their marketing slogan: "For all intensive purposes."

How do you make a Swiss Roll?

Push him down a hill.

BONUS: How do you make French Wine?

Invade.


What does the Swiss defense have in common with their favorite food?

They're both full of holes.

3 pregnant woman....

Three pregnant women are sitting around a table discussing their pregnancies. The first one says, "I eat so many dills, my baby is gonna love pickles."

The second woman says, "My baby is gonna love cheese, I eat swiss by the block!"

The first two mothers stare at the third waiting for her say what her baby will love. After a long pause she says, "I guess I'm going to have a gay son."

Swiss joke, 3 pregnant woman....

What did the Swiss Catholic say to the American Catholic?

Your cheese is unholy.

Why does no one like the swiss army?

Because they are all a bunch of tools.

Besides, rotisserie meat is too tough for those tiny army knives.

Swiss people refuse to dine at Boston Market because they hate choosing sides.

So I asked this swiss dude to tell me something good about living in Switzerland.

"Well" he said "the flag is a big plus!"

You can explore swiss deutsch reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean swiss gouda dad jokes. There are also swiss puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Swiss Cheese Paradox

Swiss cheese has lots of holes. The more holes you have,the less cheese you have. The more cheese you have,the more holes you have. Thus,the more cheese you have,the less cheese you have.

It's the cheese police, you're under arrest. Looks like you've been keeping all your cheddar...

In a Swiss bank account.

A redneck Texan, Swiss, Korean and a Mexican were flying..

I asked for a ham and swiss, you gave me a meatball instead

Woops, wrong sub.

The E.E.P.A levies charges against Franck Riboud, CEO of Evian, for tapping into protected aquifers in the Swiss Alps.

I guess he's in haute water now!

Swiss joke, The E.E.P.A levies charges against Franck Riboud, CEO of Evian, for tapping into protected aquifers

I'm writing a swiss novel

But there's a lot of plot holes.

I was going to make an argument for why Swiss is the best kind of cheese

but it was full of holes

[ORIGINAL] What's a priest's favorite cheese?

Swiss. It's holey.


What's an advantage of being Swiss?

The flag is a big plus.

A joke from WWII

A German soldier is talking to a Swiss soldier:

"How many soldiers could Switzerland mobilize if we were to invade?"

"Half a million within two days."

"And if we invade with a million troops?"

"We shoot twice and go home."

An american walks into a swiss bank...

The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.

After an hour wait he finally gets to go up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.

He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million into a bank account"

The woman looks a bit startled and says out loud "oh dont worry sir! You dont have to whisper, here in Switzerland its no shame to be poor."

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"

The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

What type of milk is swiss cheese made of?

Whole milk.

What dairy product is the most revered?

Swiss cheese, after all it's the holeist!

What is good about being Swiss?

Well, the flag is a big plus.

Why do Christians like Swiss cheese?

It's holey.

Hey, John...

Yeah?

If killing a man is a homicide, then is killing a swiss person a suicide?

My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.

Adios Omegas.

I wonder what SwissCodeMonkey.....

Will do now that Funny Jokes has an alternative.

Who am I kidding? We all know they never do anything.

If the Swiss Army knife is so good....

How come the Swiss army never fights?

The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner

A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.

The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.

The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.

The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"

A German and a Swiss are arguing about who's country is better...

The German, clearly annoyed, asks the Swiss
"So what's so great about Switzerland?" The Swiss shrugs, simply saying.
"Well, the flag is a big plus."

"Ain't" is like a Swiss Army knife

It's got a lot of uses but you can't use it in school.

I was gonna write a story about Swiss cheese

But the plot had too many holes in it.

After my wedding we ate Swiss cheese and played golf.

It was a say of holey matrimony.

I ask my Swiss friend what he thought about Switzerland.

He replied, "Well the flag's a big plus."

What's the only thing priests eat?

Swiss cheese.

Because it's holy.

I accidentally ordered a ham and cheddar instead of a turkey and swiss...

Whoops, wrong sub

Trump invites the Pope on his yacht...

The Popes hat blows off into the ocean so the Swiss guard and the secret service jump is trying to recover it but the current kept them away. So Trump says "I got it", and jumps overboard and walks across the water retrieves the hat and brings it back to the Pope.

CNN's headline the next day was "Trump Can't Swim!"

Where does a skier in Switzerland go after a long day of skiing?

Swiss Chalet

I once bought a Swiss car...

But I couldn't get it out of neutral.

My kid made this one up: How do you make Swiss cheese?

With a holey cow.

How do you make Swiss cheese?

Tell them to smile.

Teacher- Where is the CAPITAL of US?

Student- In Swiss Bank

What's the difference between Swiss cheese and a black male?

Swiss cheese matures before being filled with holes

Where is the capital of North Korea?

In a Swiss bank account

Where is the capital of Zimbabwe?

In a Swiss bank account.

why aren't there any movies about swiss cheese?

because the plot has too many holes.

What's god's favorite cheese?

Swiss. It's very holy.

What is a European dragon's favorite food?

Swiss charred.

There's an international multi-event competition for military spouses, but the same team wins every year.

The Swiss Army Wives.

Why does god love swiss cheese?

It's holy food.

The Olympics

Austrians: We are the best in Super-G.

Swiss: Pfft, we are better than you.

USA: Shut up, we are the bestest!

Italians: Mamma Mia!

Czechs: Hold my beer and my snowboard.

Why is everyone so fond of the Swiss?

I'm not sure exactly but their flag is a big plus.

Only two countries have square flags

One is Vatican City, the other is Switzerland.

No wonder Swiss cheese is holy.

The Swiss embassy has had it's flag stolen.

Ambassadors are nonplussed.

During WW1 Switzerland had 250 000 soldiers

The German Kaiser asked the Swiss ambassador in Berlin: "What would Switzerland do if I invaded with 500 000 soldiers?"

The ambassador replied: "Shoot twice and go home."

Why did the pope want a swiss guard?

He heard how holey their cheese was

I've been trying to make a joke about swiss cheese...

But the joke has too many holes.



I know that was a cheesy joke. Most people aren't really that fondu of them. It's rare for them to be gouda jokes. You may think of me as a muenster for these jokes, and that I could do cheddar than this. I mean no parm in these puns. Alright, I'm done. I'll asiago away now.

What do you call a Swiss cat?

A Cat-CH

Did anyone else hear about the Vatican naming swiss as the official cheese for christianity?

Yea that's right, it's the holiest of cheeses.

What do you call a joint in Geneva?

A Swiss Roll

What do you call a small swiss man?

A Toblergnome.

Enjoying the views...

You: So..did you enjoy your trip to the Swiss Alps?

Me: Yes, it was amazing.

You: Did you enjoy the views?

Me: Mmm...No.

You: Why?

Me: The Mountains blocked the view.

So I gouda cheesy pun.

But I'ma Swiss it out for somethin' chedder.

A Canadian, a Swiss, a German, a Mexican, a American, a Korean, a Austrian, a Brazilian, a Estonian, a Filipino, a British, a Egyptian, a Icelander, a Jamaican, a South African, a Puerto Rican, a Chinese, a Latvian, a Moroccan, a Taiwanese, a Spaniard, and a Romanian walk into a fancy restaurant.

The waiter stops them and says Sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai.

Whats the Pope's favorite cheese?

Swiss because it's holy

Swiss Cheese was recently declared the official cheese of the Catholic Church.

It's the holiest of cheeses.

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

European heaven/ European hell

European heaven is a place where the chefs are spanish, the police is british, the mechanics are germans, the lovers are italians and everything is organized by the swiss.

European hell is a place where the chefs are british, the police is german, the mechanics are spanish, the lovers are swiss and everything is organized by the italians.

Heaven is a place where the police are English, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and everything is organized by the Swiss...

Hell, on the other hand, is where the police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Americans.

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
 
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "

Something to offend everyone...

In Heaven:

The French are the cooks, and the Germans are the engineers. The British are the policemen. The Italians are the lovers, and the Swiss run everything.

But in Hell:

The Germans are the policemen. The British are the cooks. The Swiss are the lovers, the French are the engineers. And the Italians run everything.

A team of Swiss archaeologists discovered a new tomb in the middle of the Egyptian desert

They uncovered the tomb, and entered its dark cobweb-filled caverns. After digging and digging, they reached the center of the tomb, a burial chamber filled with treasures.

And at the center of the chamber, a sarcophagus made of pure gold. And once they opened it, they found an unnamed body, in pristine condition, surrounded by a curious combination of chocolate, hazelnuts and wafers.

They decided to call him Pharoah Rocher.

What's a huge red flag, but also a big plus, so overall it's neutral?

The Swiss flag

How do you make a Swiss roll?

Push him off the Alps.

What is a nun's favourite type of cheese?

Swiss cheese, cuz they're holey

I've just been give a Swiss flag for my collection

Which is a big plus.

What do you call a Swiss Priest?

His Holeiness

Why is the swiss cheese afraid of the dark?

Because it's afraid of a muenster in the closet

Heaven is...

Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.



Hell is where the cooks are British, the police are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians.

What sound does a Swiss donkey make on a mountain?

Yodel-ay-hee-haw

Heaven and Hell according to Europe

Heaven is a place where,
all the cops are British,
all the chefs are French,
all the engineers are German,
all the parties are organized by the Italians,
and it's all run by the Swiss

Hell is a place where,
all the cops are German,
all the chefs are British (sorry Gordon),
all the engineers are French,
all the parties are organized by the Swiss,
and it's all run by the Italians

A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.

"How much do you want to deposit?" asks the bank employee.

Whispers the man, "Three million."

"You can speak up," says the bank clerk. "In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the swiss austrian jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working swiss chefs piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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