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Swims Jokes

84 swims jokes and hilarious swims puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about swims that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Swims Short Jokes

Short swims jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The swims humour may include short swam jokes also.

  1. I hope that when kim kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim. The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
  2. Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?
    Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge.
    Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.
  3. How do you get 100 Canadians out of a swimming pool in a hurry? Say: "Would everyone please get out of the swimming pool."
  4. A gorgeous woman waved to me at the beach yesterday. But there was no way I was swimming out that far, to talk to her.
  5. A shark can swim faster than a human, but a human can run faster than a shark… ..So in a triathlon it comes down to who's the better cyclist
  6. I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice. Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
  7. Hippos can swim and run faster than humans. What does this mean? The bycicle is the only way to beat then in a triathlon.
  8. I recently had a dream that I was swimming in a sea of carbonated orange juice. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea
  9. Regretting the compliment... A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
  10. North Korea is participating in the olympics this year, but they won't win. Because all of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in south korea

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Swims One Liners

Which swims one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with swims? I can suggest the ones about swimmer and good swimmer.

  1. What is big, yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children
  2. Why can't two elephants go swimming? -They only have one pair of trunks.
  3. I dream of one day swimming in an ocean of orange carbonated water It's my Fanta sea.
  4. Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine? The Crimea River
  5. When do Jews go swimming? When it Israeli hot
  6. Why did the American start shooting the river? He learned fish swim in schools
  7. Where does a Muslim learn to swim? Inshallah water.
  8. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish? swimming trunks! :D
  9. What hormones does a fish use to swim in a house? Indoor Fins
  10. What's big, yellow, and can't swim? A bus full of kids
  11. Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark? Black people can't swim.
  12. I have often wanted to drown my sorrows... I just can't convince my wife to go swimming.
  13. A fish swimming in a river hits into a wall and yells Dam.
  14. Why are Scandinavians so good at swimming? Cause they have Finns
  15. Why are elephants banned from the swimming pool? They can't keep their trunks up.

Swims joke, Why are elephants banned from the <a href="/pool-jokes.html" title="Pool jokes">swimming pool</a>?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about swims can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of swims puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Comical & Quirky Swims Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about swims you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean swim team jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make swims prank.

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?

Why does Mexico never wins any medals at the Olympic Games?

Because everyone who runs, swims, or jump really well is already across the border.

Name Jokes

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and sits in front of a door? Mat
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and swims? Bob
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and sits in a big steel p**...? Stu
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and has a shovel in his head? Doug
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and sits in a can of paint? Hugh
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and lays on a grill? Frank. What's his wife's name? Patty
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene. What if she's Asian? Irene
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and sits on a swing? Anything you want, what's he really going to do about it?

an elderly woman's dog jumps off a retaining wall

a German tourist passes by and see the elderly woman and decides to jump in after the the dog. He swims the dog back to shore and the woman comes up to him and asks him if hes a vet and the tourist replys "Vet? im vucking soaked".

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island

they can see land in the distance, and decide to swim for it.
The redhead goes first, gets 1/4 of the way there, gets tired and swims back.
The brunette manages to swim 1/3 of the way there, but gets tired and swims back.
The blonde is able to swim halfway, but gets tired and returns to the island.

Whales

A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...
He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large h**... on his back.
She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed h**... herself.
Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.
Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.
Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!
He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face...
As she swam off she said..."I'll h**..., I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T s**... s**...!

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?

Blonde, Brunette, Redhead

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped on an island 1000 kilometers from shore, and the only way to get back is to swim.
The brunette goes 200 kilometers, gets tired, and drowns.
The redhead goes 650 kilometers, gets tired, and also drowns.
Then the blonde gets to 999 kilometers, gets tired, turns around and swims back.

A goldfish swims into a bar...

barman asks, "Why the long f**...?"

Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...

And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.
"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."
"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.
"Listen, I'm the President of the United States, I can give you anything you want!"
She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'd mighty like a plot at the Arlington National Cemetery if ya can do that fer me."
"Why does a young woman like you want a burial plot at the cemetery?"
"Because" she said, "When my friends and family find out what I just did they'll kill me!"

Three blondes

Three blonde women are sitting on the side of a river. The first one says "dear God, make me twice as smart as I am so that I can cross the river". So God turns her into a brunette and she swims across. The second blonde says "dear God please make me twice as smart as you made the last girls so I can cross the river". So God turns her into a Red Head and she builds a boat and sails across. The third blonde says "dear God, make me twice as smart as you made the last girl so I can cross the river". So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.
*edit* People, it's just a joke! So much hate, I've told other jokes as well. Here's an anti-man joke? Why are women bad with judging distance? Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches is their entire lives.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island that is 10 kilometers from shore...

They all agree that there is no point waiting to die on the island, so they decide to swim for shore.
The brunette goes first, swims three kilometers and drowns.

The redhead goes next, swims five kilometers and drowns.
The blonde goes last. She swims NINE miles...
...gets tired and swims back.

Three blondes stuck on an island

The blondes a find a magic lamp. Out of the lamp pops a genie who agrees to grant each of the blondes a wish.
The first blonde requests to be smarter so she can find a way off of the island. The genie grants the wish and the first blonde becomes a red head and swims off of the island.
The second blonde wishes to be smarter then the previous blonde so the genie grants the wish. The second blonde is now a brunette and makes a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde not wanting to be out done requests to be even smarter. The genie grants the wish of the final blonde and turns her into a man who procedes to walk across the bridge off of the island.
*I know it is sexist it is an old joke don't flood my inbox

A brunette, redhead, and a blonde woman are stranded on a deserted island.

The mainland is 100 miles away. They each decide to try to swim there individually.
The brunette goes first; she swims 25 miles, then gets eaten by a shark.
The redhead goes second; she swims 40 miles, gets tired, and drowns.
Finally it's the blonde's turn. She swims 50 miles, then says: "Wow this is tiring, I'm not sure if I can continue" and swims back to the island.

The monkey and the lizard

Lizard is walking through the woods when he sees Monkey up in the branches of a tree.
"Hello there, Monkey! What are you up to today?"
"Hey Lizard. I was just about to smoke this joint."
"I'll be right up."
After he tokes, Lizard says, "Monkey, I have cotton mouth, real bad. I'm going down to the river for a drink of fresh water."
When Lizard reaches the river, he leans over and drinks and drinks. Alligator swims up and says, "Slow down, Lizard! Why are you drinking so much water?"
"Well I was smoking a joint with Monkey up in a tree and I got cotton mouth real bad."
"Wait a minute. Monkey has a joint? In a tree? This I've got to see."
Alligator gets out of the river and goes waddling up to the tree.
"Say, Monkey..."
"Jesus Lizard! How much water did you drink, man?"

My dad called in and told this joke to win a corny joke contest in the 70's

What has two knees and swims in the ocean?
A Two-knee fish!.....

Woman Swims n**... With Beluga Whales Beneath the Waves | iword.rocks

A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.)

The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"

A fat r**... went to a doctor to check on his heart condition.

The doctor advised him to stop eating meat with high fat contents, while low fat meat are still OK to eat. The r**... was confused which are which, so the doctor gave simple explanation; "You may only eat animal which swims in the water, like fishes for example."
A week later, the doctor went to the r**... house to check on him. The doctor found him around a pool in the back of his trailer. The doctor asked "What are you doing here?". r**... answered "Oh hi mister doctor, I'm just teachin ma cow to swim."

What kind of chocolate swims in the ocean?

scubGodivas.

So Porifera are hanging out in the ocean 680 million years ago..

..when a Ctenophore swims by.

One to the other asks, "What just happened there?"
Buddy says "Eumetazoa."

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island...

To get back to the mainland, they must swim 100 miles.
The redhead swims 70 miles, and drowns.
The brunette swims 90 miles, and drowns.
The blond swims 50 miles, but gets tired, and swims back to the island to rest.

Crossing the Border

A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how friendly the Americans all were, as they all turned to him at the start of the game and asked together, "Jose, can you see?"

3 blonde girls is at the side of a river

And they're trying to get to the village on the other side
1 blond girl ask god to make her smart,so god turn her into a brunette and she swims across the river
the other girl ask god to make her smarter than the girl that just swam,so god make her into a redhead and she built a raft and paddle across
The last girl ask god to make her smarter than the other two girls,so god make her a man and he uses the bridge

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all stuck on an island.

The redhead tries to swim home and makes a quarter of the way there, then drowns. The brunette gets a third of the way there, then drowns. The blonde gets halfway there, then gets tired, turns around and swims back.

What swims slightly faster than a shark?

The Little Mermaid on her period.

There were three blondes going on a walk when they come across a river....

They don't know how to get across, but they decide to go to God for help. The first blonde says "please God, make me twice as smart as I am so I can get across this river" God hears this and decides to help, so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second blonde then says "please God make me ten times as smart so I can get across the river." God hears this and he turns her into a red head and she finds a boat on the river bank and goes across the river. The third one says "God, please make me one hundred times as smart so I can cross the river." So God turns her into a man and he uses the bridge.

What do you call something that swims, is big and has 4 legs?

A whale with a table taped to it.

3 Blondes are Stranded

And they need to swim across the ocean to reach safety. The first blonde swims 1/4 of the way to safety but drowns. The second blonde swims 1/3 of the way to safety, but drowns. The third blonde swims 1/2 of the way to safety, gets tired and swims back to the original island.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island

The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.
The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.
Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.

British & French cats swim across the channel

A British cat called "one two three" swims across the English Channel. At the same time, a French cat called "un deux t**...", swims from the opposite direction. Which cat makes it? "one two three" because un deux t**... Cat Sank.

why squirrel swims on its back?

to make sure the nuts are dry.

A blonde, a burnette and a redhead are stranded on an island 15 miles from shore...

The burnette says "I have always been a very good swimmer, I will swim to shore and send help." She swims out 5 miles then drowns.
The next day the redhead says, "I was on the swim team in highschool, I know I can swim 15 miles, I will go get help." She swims out 10 miles and drowns.
The next day the blonde thinks "It's up to me to get help!" She swims out 14.9 miles, she can see and hear the people on the beach, but she gets tired and swims back to the island.

What fish only swims at night?

A starfish!

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half n**..., singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"
But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

3 Belgians are sitting next to a river

3 Belgians are sitting next to a river, A crocodile swims past and they start to throw rocks at it. The crocodile gets angry and begins to swim towards them. 2 of them run and climb in a tree. They shout to the other "Why are you staying there, you better run before the crocodile comes!"
He replies "Why I didn't throw any Rocks"

A blonde, a ginger and a brunette are all stuck on an island 100 miles away from any other land...

Thinking they have nothing to lose, they decide to each try swimming back to civilization. The ginger goes first, but she can only swim 5 miles before she has to turn back. The brunette goes next, and she manages 25 miles, but she too becomes too tired and turns back. Finally, the blonde goes. She manages 50 miles, but becomes too tired and swims back to the island.

Jesus and Moses are walking by the Red Sea when Moses goes

"Hey Jesus, check this out. I still got it!" and parts the waters.
Jesus responds "That's nothing!" and starts walking out on the water. He takes a few steps and starts sinking.
Embarrassed, he swims to shore and Moses drags him out. "Don't worry", Moses says, "last time you did this you didn't have those holes in your feet."

I could never date someone who swims in the kiddy pool...

They're just too shallow for me

3 blondes trying to cross a river

3 blondes are trying to cross a river.
The first blonde prays to god and asks to be more intelligent so she can cross the river. God agrees and makes her a brunette so she swims across the river.
The second blonde prays to god and asks to be even smarter than the last so she can cross the river faster. God agrees and makes her a redhead so she builds a row boat and crosses the river.
The last blonde prays to god to be even smarter than the last so she can cross the river even faster.
God agrees and turns her into a man and she uses the bridge.

A Blonde, Red Head and Brunette

were stuck on an island, and the closest populated island was 100km away, so in turn they try to swim to the island, the brunette swims 10 km then drowns, the red head swims 30 km then drowns, the blond swims 50 km then gets tired so she swims back.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island

The brunette decides to try to swim to another island with more people on it. She can only swim 1/8 of the way, so she swims back. The redhead tries the same, but only makes it 1/4 of the way. The blonde makes it halfway, gets tired and swims back.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead escape from their cells on a prison island...

... They sneak past the guards and make it to the shoreline. The mainland is a kilometre away, through dangerous waters.
The brunette, being the bravest, leaves first. She swims as hard as she can, but after only a few hundred meters she becomes exhausted and drowns.
The redhead leaves second. She is smarter and swims more slowly, but just as she passed half way a shark eats her.
The blonde, a natural athlete, embarks on her perilous swim. Miraculously, she avoids all sharks and swims until she is only 50m from the shoreline!
Exhausted, she says, "It's too far, I can't make it!", and swims back.

What do you call someone who swims between the red flags at the beach?

A communist.

A fish swims by two others

One fish catches the other watching as it goes by.
When he discovers he's been caught he exclaimed, "Sorry, I can't help it it's just a Halibut."

Three women are stranded on an island

Three women are stranded on an island. There is a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. The women decide to try to swim to the mainland.
The brunette swims 1/4 of the way then drowns
The redhead swims 1/3 of the way then drowns
The blonde swims 2/3 of the way but gets tired and swims back

A rabbi was lost at sea when he saw an island in the distance.

The rabbi swims to the island and climbs up onto the beach when he sees a small, round creature roll down the hill. Then another, and another. He goes over and asks one Who are you? The creature responds We're Trids! We just go up the hill, as they point to a hill in the distance, and a giant kicks us down! The rabbi is curious, and treks all the way to the top of the hill, where he sees the giant. He sees Trids being kicked down the hill while laughing hysterically. The rabbi asks the giant, Can I get a kick? That looks fun! to which the giant responds, Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!

Jesus and Moses are at a lake in heaven

They both want to see if their powers still work
so moses splits the lake, walks right through, and says "alright jesus, now you try it"
So jesus tries to walk atop the waters but winks right through, and swims to the other side.
"What happened?" Moses asks, "Did you lose balance or something?"
"Well last time I didn't have holes in my feet"

Blonde joke

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are stuck on a desert island.
They know the nearest coast is 50 miles away.
The redhead swims 30 miles but gets tired and drowns.
The brunette swims 45 miles but gets tired and drowns.
The blonde swims 40 miles, gets tired and swims back to the island.

A fish swims upriver and bumps it's head:

"Dam"

If you want something done quickly and cleanly, you just have to pretend to be an animal that swims in the water.

Because that's a fish in sea.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck...

this is going to be a weird date.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead stuck on an island.

There were three people stranded on an island that was about 10 miles away from civilization after a couple of days they had eaten up and drank all of there supply's so they decided that they should try and swim to civilization first the brunette tries she gets 7 miles out then she drowns and dies the redhead only gets to about 3 miles she then drowns and dies then the blonde gets to about 5 miles says I'm tired and swims back the island

so this shark swims into a bar...

"Arggg!", he yelled. "I'm such a klutz!"

A fish swims into a concrete wall

He turns around and yells DAM

What's the fastest speed at which a seahorse swims?

At a scallop.

A fish swims into a wall.

Dam.

Um, there's a mollusk, see?

All right, I know one joke. Um, there's a mollusk, see?
And he walks up to a sea, well he doesn't walk up, he swims up. Well, actually the mollusk isn't moving. He's in one place and then the sea cucumber, well they... I mixed up. There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber. None of them were walking, so forget that I... There was this mollusk and he walks up to a sea cucumber. Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke, everyone talks. So the sea mollusk says to the cucumber...
With fronds like these, who needs anemones?

2 cats are at the English Channel.

An English cat and the French Cat decide they want to cross the channel. The English cat psyches himself up, says One... Two... Three jumps in the water and swims across.
The French cat decides to imitate the English cat. Un... Deux... t**...... Cat sank.

A blonde, a brunette, and a ginger are on an island

They decide to swim the hundred miles back to shore, the ginger makes it 10 miles, the brunette swims 25 miles, and the blonde swims fifty miles, realizes it's too far and swims back.

What swims in the ocean and does math?

A octoplus

God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

What has two knees and swims?

A two-knee fish.

You know what's funny about bathing suits?

If a man swims in a bathing suit that only covers his private parts, he will almost always be swimming competitively. If a woman swims in a bathing suit that only covers her private parts, she will almost always be swimming casually.

What's the first thing a fish thinks of when it swims into a concrete wall?

Dam

There a 502 bricks in a plane, one falls out, how many bricks are left?

501
h**... do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Open the door, put the elephant in, shut the door
How do put a giraffe in a fridge?
Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door
The lion king invites all the animals to a party, but ones missing, what is it?
The giraffe, he's still in a fridge.
A girl swims across a crocodile infested river, but she still survives, how?
All the crocodiles are at the party
The girl still dies. How?
She gets hit on the head by a brick falling out of the sky

[REAL] My son has moved up a level in swim class

Up until this point he's been swimming with me or Mom during class. This is the first level where he swims independently with a teacher. My wife was nervous about it, but I said:
"Don't worry, I'm sure it will go swimmingly."
Rode that high for a day or two.

What's brown, sweet, and swims in the river?

A chocodile

A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.

She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She says "I want you to see this."
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
The child responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

Swims joke, A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.

jokes about swims

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these swims jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.