swimming Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious swimming stories

What are the best swimming puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Swimming? Well here is a complete list of the top swimming jokes:

How do you get 50 Canadians out of the swimming pool?

Say, " Everyone out of the pool please."

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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?

swimming trunks! :D

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Whales

So, there are two whales swimming around, when they see a boat. The first whale says, "Hey, let's go blow that boat over!" The second whale replies, "Alright, let's go." So the two whales blow the boat over, sending the crew members overboard. Then the first whale gets an idea, "We should go eat those crew members!" The second whale, disgusted, says, "Nah man, I'm always up for the occasional blowjob, but I never swallow the seamen."

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At my friend's house, her dad told us these jokes called "Mama mama jokes." I expected old fashioned "Yo' mama" jokes. I got these.

Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!

Shut up and eat what you're told.

Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!

Shut up and keep swimming.

Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!

Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

Honestly, I'm scarred.

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If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

Cost me an arm and a leg!

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I had to pee really bad at the swimming pool yesterday, so I tried to sneak it in at the deep end...

But the lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.

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I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today...

The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I almost fell in.

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What do you get if you cross a Fish and an Elephant?

Swimming Trunks.

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I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One whale opens his mouth and says "BEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUGAA BOOOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAAEEEOOOOH"

The other whale turns to him and says "Dude you are so drunk."

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How many children with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Wanna go swimming?

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What are the most racist jokes you know?

There were 3 car accidents in Mexico 70 people died.

What do you call a bunch of black people in a swimming pool?
Coco puffs.

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I want Tampax!

A little boy was asked by his mom what he would like for his birthday. He answered immediately: "I want Tampax!"


The mother was shocked, then asked him why in the world he would want that for his birthday.


"Because it says in the commercials that with Tampax you can go swimming, ride a horse, or go to a party any time you a want to.

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Why can't a Finnish man go swimming?

Because Helsinki.

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So I just got banned from swimming at my local pool...

Apparently Breast Stroke isn't exactly what I thought it was

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the newlyweds go to the hotel swimming pool...

The guy goes to the diving board and performs a 2 1/2 sommersaults with 2 twists backwards.

-"Whoa, that was impressive," says the wife when the man comes back.

-"I was a double medallist in London olympics, dear".

So the woman dives in and does 90 lenghts of the pool in 2 1/2 minutes.

-"Baby, that WAS impressive", says the husband.

-"I was a prostitute in Venice, dear"

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3 women of different hair colours get shipwrecked on a small desert island 1km away from a civilised island.

The first woman, who has brown hair, attempts to swim to the civilised island, but only gets 200 metres before getting tired and swimming back. The next woman, with black hair, sees the first one's attempt and also tries. She gets 400 metres before tiring and swimming back. The blonde then has a try, gets 800 metres, tires, and swims back.

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What did the Olympic size swimming pool say to the kiddie pool?

I can't be your friend anymore you're just too shallow!

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Swimming pool

A white man is at a public swimming pool. He dips his penis in the water and says "This pool is 76 degrees". A black man, astonished, walks up to him and asks him how he does it. The white man says "all white men can". The black guy now wants to prove that black men can too. He dips *his* penis in the water and says "I can't tell you the temperature, but I can tell you it's 4 feet deep".

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Two fish are swimming in a tank...

one looks at the other and says, "You know how to drive this thing?"

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What do Swimming and Masturbation have in common?

You have to get through a lot of fluid to find the perfect stroke.

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Swimming is good for you

Especially if you're drowning

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What does David Bowie do after he gets out of the swimming pool?

He ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes. (Sorry if repost)

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Knock knock

Who's there?

Panther

Panther who?

Panther no pants, I'm going swimming

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Conditions

A man was sitting in a pub when all of a sudden the most beautiful woman ever walked up to the bar and sat down next to him. The man immediately asked her what the conditions would be to make her his wife. 'Three things' she said 'First you would need a huge house with a swimming pool, second an expensive car and third a 9 inch dick'.
'Oh' the man replied 'The house wouldn't be a problem, nor would the car be, but I'm not taking three inches off my dick!'

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An uncle of mine used to throw a space heater into the pool to heat it up before he would go swimming during the colder months

Come to think of it, he only did it once

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Two sperm swimming in woman's body. One says to the other, how long of a trip is this?

I don't know but we are coming up on the esophagus

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Welcome to our swimming ool !

Notice there is no P in it.

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I had a dream I was swimming in a fizzy orange ocean...

It was a Fanta sea.

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What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?

Start swimming

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Knock Knock....

-Knock Knock...

-Who's There

-Panther

-Panther who?

-Panther no pants, I'm going swimming!

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Two whales were swimming in an ocean...

They notice a submarine and one of them says:
- Lets flip it over using our rain-blow
- Alright, lets do it

They successfully flip it over and one of them says:
- Lets swallow the sailors

To which the other whale replies:
- Dude, I'm here for the blowjob. Not to swallow the seamen

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Why did so many black people die in Hurricane Katrina? (disclaimer: a tad racist)

Because surviving involved swimming.

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What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant?

Swimming trunks!

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You won't be hearing from me for a while. I'm being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables....

I gotta lilo.

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God...

Two goldfish are swimming around their bowl.

One asks the other, "Here - do you believe in God?"

The other one says, "Of course I do! Who you think changes the water in our bowl?"



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Lesbian Pick Up Line

"Hey girl, you wanna go swimming? We can do the scissor kick."

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A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in *my* community, they recognise me by my face."

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Bar joke.

A really hot woman walks in to a bar.

Her body could belong to a model, however her face was ... not too pretty.

She sits on the bar and orders a drink. Next to her is this really drunk guy all alone drinking, when suddenly he faces her and says:

>"Goood-damn it, you're hot! How could you have a body like this, goin' to the gym or somethingghh??"

"Well, thanks! In fact I have been doing over 10 years of swimming!"

>"And what about your head? Are you afraid of getting it wet?"



^^^Follow ^^^up ^^^joke

"You are so rude and drunk!"

>"Well, suuuure. But **I** will be alright in the morning.

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Two whales

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a boat. One whale says to the other, ''I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes, and capsize it."

"Okay," says the other whale.


They proceed to do so and swim back down, laughing all the while.
Then the first whale then says, ''I have an even better idea, now that the fishermen are in the water, why don't we swim back up and eat them?''


The other whale then replies ''No thanks. I'm all for the occasional blow job but I never swallow the seamen."

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jokes

what do you call a bunch of people whove been in horrible accidents in a swimming pool
vegatable soup

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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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What did the fish say after swimming into a concrete wall?

Dam

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Old men think fast

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, I didn't come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked.

Holding the bucket up he said, I'm here to feed the alligator…

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Why sharks circle before they attack...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first!"

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Oh, a joke standing still indeed!

A philosopher, a tree, and an elephant resided along the shore of a lake. As time passed, the philosopher, the tree, and the elephant became thirsty. The philosopher, not knowing how or where to drink safely, observed the elephant. He watched as the animal moved away from the shore into deeper waters. The elephant proceeded to drink the water surrounding itself. This was of no help to the philosopher, as swimming towards the deep waters of the lake would have proved dangerous due to predatory animals. The philosopher sought to observe the habits of the tree, but its roots were too far underground to analyze, and the different way of utilizing water made the task of understanding the system impossible to complete with only direct observation by a human. Feeling defeated, the philosopher pondered, If I cannot even keep myself healthy, why value the advanced intellect I possess over these creatures? . The intellectual grew tired, so he made his way out of the man-made safari; he drank from a water fountain close to the exit and continued by walking out of the tourist attraction.

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I was at the swimming pool yesterday...

I was at the swimming pool yesterday so I decided to take a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in

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Did you hear.....

Did you hear that fighting has broken out in the Irish men's synchronised swimming team? It was after Paddy accused Murphy of copying him.....

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Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just Eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!"

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So there are two sharks swimming in the ocean...

...and they see some swimmers above them. One shark says "Hey, let's go eat those swimmers." The other shark says "Not yet, first we have to up to the surface, swim around them and show them just a little bit of fin." So they do.

When they get back down beneath, the first shark says "Okay, now can we eat them?" The second shark says "Wait, now we go up, circle them, and show them A LOT of fin." So they do.

They get back down and the first shark says "Okay, NOW can we eat them?" and the second shark replies "yeah, now we eat them."

They have their tasty meal, and when they get back under, the first shark asks "Alright, so what's with the whole show them our fins routine?"

The second shark replies "They taste better without the shit in 'em."

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best swimming jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about swimming. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty swimming gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these swimming jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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