swimming Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious swimming puns

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.

"I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."

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Two young boys go to a store

They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around they come up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks "Why?" One little boy replies "It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis, and other activities!! We just need to figure out how they work."

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I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.

Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

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Why can't two elephants go swimming?

-They only have one pair of trunks.

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A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father

"where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

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A Shark and his Son

A shark and his son are swimming around in the water when they see some scuba divers.
The young shark says to his father, " let's go eat them".

The father tells his son, " this is not the way of sharks. First we swim around them three times, then we eat them"

The son asks, " why do we swim around them three times first."

The father retorts "Because humans taste alot better without the shit in them"

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Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine?

The Crimea River

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When do Jews go swimming?

When it Israeli hot

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How do you get 50 Canadians out of the swimming pool?

Say, " Everyone out of the pool please."

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I was at the public swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The lifeguard must have noticed - he blew his whistle so fucking loud, I nearly fell in.

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I've always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday...

But no one ever drowns

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I was having a quick wee in the deep end of the swimming pool when the lifeguard blew his whistle.

It was so loud I nearly fell in.

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A good looking girl waved at me today…

but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

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Swimming in the Ocean

I while back I was sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this guy in the ocean screaming "HELP SHARK, HELP!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

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Swimming pool

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!

I replied Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!

Yes, but not from the high dive!

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"What do you do in your free time? " "I stalk. "

"Really? I go swimming and for long hikes"

"I know.".

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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?

swimming trunks! :D

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Whales

So, there are two whales swimming around, when they see a boat. The first whale says, "Hey, let's go blow that boat over!" The second whale replies, "Alright, let's go." So the two whales blow the boat over, sending the crew members overboard. Then the first whale gets an idea, "We should go eat those crew members!" The second whale, disgusted, says, "Nah man, I'm always up for the occasional blowjob, but I never swallow the seamen."

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At my friend's house, her dad told us these jokes called "Mama mama jokes." I expected old fashioned "Yo' mama" jokes. I got these.

Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!

Shut up and eat what you're told.

Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!

Shut up and keep swimming.

Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!

Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

Honestly, I'm scarred.

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I got kicked out of the swimming pool today.

Apparently the breast stroke isn't what I thought it was.

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I have often wanted to drown my sorrows...

I just can't convince my wife to go swimming.

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A fish swimming in a river hits into a wall and yells

Dam.

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean.

A Father and a Son.

The Son turns to his father and ask "Dad where did I come from?"

Dad replies "My penis Son"

Son says "Oh.. Thanks Dad"

Dad says "You're whale cum"

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Today a man came to my door asking for donations for the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

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My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.

I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem

"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"

"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"

"Ah, bummer mate"

"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"

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Two cats are swimming across a river

One is called "One Two Three" the other is called "Un Deux Trois." Which cat survives?

"One Two Three"
because un deux trois cat sank

Disclaimer; not original, just saw it online and thought you'd all appreciate

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Two sperms swimming

Two sperms swimming through a girls body. After a while one sperm looks at the other and says"we've been swimming forever! How much farther until we hit the ovaries?" The other sperm starts laughing and replies " ovaries?! We're not even halfway down the esophagus yet!"

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It is my sad duty to report the death of my granddad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice...

Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...

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Swimming Cats

There are 2 cats, an English cat and a French cat, in a contest to swim the English Channel. The English cat is called the one two three cat, and the French cat is called the un deux trois cat. who won?

The English cat. The un deux trois quatre cinq.

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An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond

As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"

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A shark was swimming around looking for food...

... and he catches a squid.

The squid says: "don't eat me, I'm really sick!"

So the shark says: "fine, I won't eat you. But I know just what to do with you..."

The shark takes the squid to his friend and says: "here's the sick squid I owe you."

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If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

Cost me an arm and a leg!

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I had to pee really bad at the swimming pool yesterday, so I tried to sneak it in at the deep end...

But the lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.

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I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today...

The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I almost fell in.

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When an eel bites your thigh...

...as you're just swimming by that's a moray.

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What are the most funny Swimming jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Swimming? Well, here are the best Swimming dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Swimming pick up lines to share with friends.

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