swimming Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious swimming puns

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in *my* community, they recognise me by my face."

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"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.

"I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."

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Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just Eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!"

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Swimming Pool Joke

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

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An eccentric billionaire throws a lavish party...

Please bear with me as I heard/read this one years ago so I might not recall the details correctly:

An eccentric billionaire is throwing a lavish party with guests from all over the world. As the party is well under way he asks his guests to walk over to his Olympic sized swimming pool where he had it filled with all kinds of dangerous creatures, sharks, piranhas, crocodiles, you name it it is there! So he tells his guests "I will give anything to the person who is brave enough to jump in the pool and swim across!" The place falls silent as the guests only whisper amongst themselves in bewilderment. "Anything that person can dream of will be his!" the billionaire tells the guests again. Suddenly a large splash is heard and a guy is seen struggling to swim through, and miraculously he makes it across! The room erupts in cheers and the billionaire approaches the man who swam across, and tells him "I am a man of my word, and since you made it across what do you desire? Money, mansions, my daughters hand in marriage?" The man still visibly shaken and struggling to catch his breath replies "I just want to know the name of the son of a bitch who pushed me in the pool!"

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Two great white sharks . . .

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.


"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."


And they did.


"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."


And they did.


"Now we eat everybody."


And they did.


When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"


His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"

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Jim and Mary.

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

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Two young boys go to a store

They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around they come up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks "Why?" One little boy replies "It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis, and other activities!! We just need to figure out how they work."

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Two whales

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a boat. One whale says to the other, ''I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes, and capsize it."

"Okay," says the other whale.


They proceed to do so and swim back down, laughing all the while.
Then the first whale then says, ''I have an even better idea, now that the fishermen are in the water, why don't we swim back up and eat them?''


The other whale then replies ''No thanks. I'm all for the occasional blow job but I never swallow the seamen."

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I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.

Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

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Why can't two elephants go swimming?

-They only have one pair of trunks.

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An elderly man in Florida . . .

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."

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A man knocked on my door asking for a donation towards a new public swimming pool.

So I gave him a glass of water.

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A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father

"where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

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A Shark and his Son

A shark and his son are swimming around in the water when they see some scuba divers.
The young shark says to his father, " let's go eat them".

The father tells his son, " this is not the way of sharks. First we swim around them three times, then we eat them"

The son asks, " why do we swim around them three times first."

The father retorts "Because humans taste alot better without the shit in them"

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Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine?

The Crimea River

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When do Jews go swimming?

When it Israeli hot

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How do you get 50 Canadians out of the swimming pool?

Say, " Everyone out of the pool please."

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Two whales were swimming together in the Pacific Ocean...

When they come across a whaling vessel. One whale looks to the other and says "we should swim under it and blow our air out, and hopefully the boat will capsize!" The second whale agrees, thinking that every whaler deserves a fate like that, so they swim under the boat, and exhale as hard as they can. The boat tips over and all the men on board are stranded, floating I the water. The first whale then says "we should eat these sailors so they don't ever even have the chance to hunt another one of us again!" The second whale, with a look of disgust on her face, replies "Look. I went ahead with the blowjob, but there is no WAY you're going to get me to eat the seamen!"

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How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool?

"Please get out of the swimming pool"

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I was at the public swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The lifeguard must have noticed - he blew his whistle so fucking loud, I nearly fell in.

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A whale of a joke

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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I've always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday...

But no one ever drowns

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I was having a quick wee in the deep end of the swimming pool when the lifeguard blew his whistle.

It was so loud I nearly fell in.

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A good looking girl waved at me today…

but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

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A couple of whales.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the same side of the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him."What's the matter, Darling?"
"Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

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So two whales are swimming along...

... when they spot a whaling ship. The first whale, in shock, says, "Hey! That's that ship that attacked our pod last year. We should sink it. We'll dive deep under the boat and blow bubbles up. The bubbles will capsize the boat and they'll sink!"

The second whale agrees and they begin their attack on the unsuspecting boat. The two whales take enormous breaths and dive deep under the boat. They blow all the air out their blowholes and the bubbles race toward the surface. When the two whales come up they see the boat is capsized and sinking and several sailors are in the water.

"Oh man!" says the first whale. "We got 'em. Look, they're all swimming in the water. Now we can eat them!"

The second whale, taken aback, then says, "Sorry man, I'll help with the blow job, but I won't swallow seamen."

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The Watering Hole

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

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Swimming in the Ocean

I while back I was sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this guy in the ocean screaming "HELP SHARK, HELP!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

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A whale tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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So there are two sharks swimming in the ocean...

...and they see some swimmers above them. One shark says "Hey, let's go eat those swimmers." The other shark says "Not yet, first we have to up to the surface, swim around them and show them just a little bit of fin." So they do.

When they get back down beneath, the first shark says "Okay, now can we eat them?" The second shark says "Wait, now we go up, circle them, and show them A LOT of fin." So they do.

They get back down and the first shark says "Okay, NOW can we eat them?" and the second shark replies "yeah, now we eat them."

They have their tasty meal, and when they get back under, the first shark asks "Alright, so what's with the whole show them our fins routine?"

The second shark replies "They taste better without the shit in 'em."

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Swimming pool

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!

I replied Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!

Yes, but not from the high dive!

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"What do you do in your free time? " "I stalk. "

"Really? I go swimming and for long hikes"

"I know.".

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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?

swimming trunks! :D

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Two whales were swimming through ocean when... NSFW

They spotted a whaling vessel overhead. The young whale turns to the old whale and says, "Hey, Mom! Thats the boat that killed father. Lets get it!" The mother turns to her daughter, nodding in agreement, and says, "Heres what we will do: I will swim directly under the boat and blow bubbles until the boat capsizes. Then you will come in and attack the sailors who fall overboard." The mother proceeds to swim under the boat and executes her part of the plan perfectly. As the sailors tumble into the water, the daughter yells in excitement, "Mom! Here they come, lets get them!" The mother shakes her head and says lovingly to her daughter, "No, honey, I gave the blow job, you swallow the seamen."

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A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

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Whales

So, there are two whales swimming around, when they see a boat. The first whale says, "Hey, let's go blow that boat over!" The second whale replies, "Alright, let's go." So the two whales blow the boat over, sending the crew members overboard. Then the first whale gets an idea, "We should go eat those crew members!" The second whale, disgusted, says, "Nah man, I'm always up for the occasional blowjob, but I never swallow the seamen."

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At my friend's house, her dad told us these jokes called "Mama mama jokes." I expected old fashioned "Yo' mama" jokes. I got these.

Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!

Shut up and eat what you're told.

Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!

Shut up and keep swimming.

Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!

Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

Honestly, I'm scarred.

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I got kicked out of the swimming pool today.

Apparently the breast stroke isn't what I thought it was.

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Mental Hospital

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

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I have often wanted to drown my sorrows...

I just can't convince my wife to go swimming.

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A fish swimming in a river hits into a wall and yells

Dam.

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A billionaire was celebrating his 50th birthday

At party he grabbed a mic and said

"There are 2 sharks in my swimming pool, if one of you can swim from one side to the other I'll give him whatever he asks for"

No one dared to jump in the water until suddenly everyone heard a splash and saw a man swimming as fast as he could.

The man actually made it to the side and the billionaire rushed to congratulate him.

The billionaire said "you can ask for anything, my money, my car or even my wife!"

The man said "I don't want your money or car, I just want to know who was that son of a bitch who shoved me in the water"

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean.

A Father and a Son.

The Son turns to his father and ask "Dad where did I come from?"

Dad replies "My penis Son"

Son says "Oh.. Thanks Dad"

Dad says "You're whale cum"

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2 Whales, 1 whaling ship

One day a male and a female whale are swimming along, when the male whale sees the whaling ship that killed his mother. He turns to the female whale, and says "I have a plan. Lets both take a huge breath of air, swim under that whaling ship, expel all our breath, and see if we can sink it." The female says okay, and they proceed with his plan, and sure enough the whaling ship sinks. But as the whales are swimming away, the male sees the sailors from the ship swimming away, he turns to the female and says "Quick, lets swim over there and eat those sailors." The female whale turns to him and says "Hey now, wait a minute, I was okay with the blow job, but there is no way I'm swallowing any seamen."

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Today a man came to my door asking for donations for the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

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A billionaire decides to build a palace

A billionaire decides to build a palace to bring the best musicians of the 60's together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It's perfect – marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billionaire sends out his invitations. A few weeks later he sees Jefferson Airplane, The Beetles, Jimmy Hendrix and a hoard of 60's luminaries standing in the grass, but none are coming inside. Paul McCartney is playing cards with Mick Jagger.

The billionaire is stunned. I've spent a year building this palace, making it perfect in every detail for the best musicians the 60's has ever known. Why won't you come inside?

John Lennon adjusts his glasses and calls out: You forgot The Doors.

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My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.

I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem

"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"

"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"

"Ah, bummer mate"

"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"

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Two cats are swimming across a river

One is called "One Two Three" the other is called "Un Deux Trois." Which cat survives?

"One Two Three"
because un deux trois cat sank

Disclaimer; not original, just saw it online and thought you'd all appreciate

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The Farmer and The Skinny Dippers

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator…"

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Two sperms swimming

Two sperms swimming through a girls body. After a while one sperm looks at the other and says"we've been swimming forever! How much farther until we hit the ovaries?" The other sperm starts laughing and replies " ovaries?! We're not even halfway down the esophagus yet!"

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It is my sad duty to report the death of my granddad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice...

Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...

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Swimming Cats

There are 2 cats, an English cat and a French cat, in a contest to swim the English Channel. The English cat is called the one two three cat, and the French cat is called the un deux trois cat. who won?

The English cat. The un deux trois quatre cinq.

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An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond

As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"

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A shark was swimming around looking for food...

... and he catches a squid.

The squid says: "don't eat me, I'm really sick!"

So the shark says: "fine, I won't eat you. But I know just what to do with you..."

The shark takes the squid to his friend and says: "here's the sick squid I owe you."

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If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

Cost me an arm and a leg!

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I had to pee really bad at the swimming pool yesterday, so I tried to sneak it in at the deep end...

But the lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.

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If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive then you should try swimming with sharks.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

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Why Sharks Circle

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spotted survivors of a ship that had just sunk.

"Follow me son" the older father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise old father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

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A rich guy is having a fancy party...

So he calls the attention of all his guests and says, "Ladies and gents, behind you is a swimming pool with an alligator in it. Whoever is brave enough to swim across it and survive shall be rewarded fifty thousand dollars."
While everyone is still staring at the rich man, there is a loud splash. To everyone's amazement there is a man swimming across the pool as hard as possible and barely makes it to the other side.
The rich man says, "Congratulations! Here is your check for fifty thousand dollars."
The man, soaking wet says, "I don't want!". "You don't want it?" Again he says "I don't want it!"
"Well how about 50 thousand dollars in cash?" again, "I don't want it!!" "How about my beautiful daughter? You can have her." yet again, "I don't want her!!"
The rich man then says, "Well what do you want?" to which the other guy says, "I want the motherfucker that pushed me in the pool!!"

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Fast thinking old man



The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast!

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I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today...

The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I almost fell in.

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When an eel bites your thigh...

...as you're just swimming by that's a moray.

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What do you get if you cross a Fish and an Elephant?

Swimming Trunks.

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Why sharks circle before they attack...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first!"

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Pregnant woman at the beach.

Jim and Bob were swimming when they saw a pregnant woman drowning.
They quickly pulled her to safety.
Jim starts giving her mouth to mouth resuscitation.
Bob takes off the woman's panties and puts his mouth on her pussy.

Jim: "What the fuck are you doing?!"

Bob: "You save the woman. I'll save the child!"

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The old Man's Pond

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

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I've always dreamed of swimming in an ocean of orange soda

Its a fanta-sea of mine

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I won first place in a swimming competition once...

9 months later, my mother gave birth to me

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Boy complains to his father

Boy: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!Β 

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

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An elderly man in Saskatchewan.

An elderly man in Saskatchewan had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

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A fish is swimming and it hits a concrete wall. What does it say

Dam.

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Today somebody knocked on my door and asked for a small donation to the local swimming pool

I gave him a glass of water.

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I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

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Why did the shark keep swimming in circles?

It had a nosebleed.

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Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team?

Because everyone who is good at running, jumping, and swimming have already made it into the U.S.

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At a lavish party the host calls for silence as he makes an announcement..

He says;

"To the first person who can swim from one end of my swimming pool to the other I will duly award them the sum of one million dollars but there's a twist! As you can see there's also three huge alligators and...

Before he could finish his sentence there's a huge splash and commotion at one end of the pool. A man can be seen frantically swimming for his life towards the other end.

He makes it luckily without being eaten. The host congratulates him and asks him what he will do with the money.

The guy says "I don't care about the money, I just want the name of the fucker who pushed me in."

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A Brilliant Old Man and Skinny Dipping Ladies

Ron an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years, which had a pond in the back. It was suitable to swimming so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.


When he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the Bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!"

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A young couple were on their honeymoon . . .

. . . and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool's bottom.

That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel's elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.

When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, "That's not an aquarium...that's the swimming pool!"

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I dreamt that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda...

But I woke up and realized it was just a fanta sea.

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Did you know?

The swimming pools in the Titanic are still full

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A woman walks up to a guy in blue swimming trunks and says, "Your eyes match your swim trunks!"

He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

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A husband says to his wife:

"I hate to tell you this but your swimming costume is very tight and revealing."

"Wear your own one then!"

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One whale opens his mouth and says "BEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUGAA BOOOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAAEEEOOOOH"

The other whale turns to him and says "Dude you are so drunk."

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The local mental asylum is running out of space

So the asylum director concocted a way to release the least crazy residents back into the population.

He drained the swimming pool and observed which residents went in to swim. Those who jumped into the empty swimming pool were obviously not ready to be discharged.

After about 15 min he noted all the residents except one were "swimming" in the empty pool. The director came up to this gentleman, "Congratulations! You didn't jump in the pool and so are ready to go back home." To which the resident replied, "Of course I wouldn't jump in the pool! Someone needs to be the lifeguard!"

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I got caught taking a piss in the swimming pool earlier...

The lifeguard shouted so loudly that I nearly fell in!

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A fish swimming upriver and bumps his head.

"Dam" he says.

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A priest and a rabbi are very good friends, so one day they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim...

Of course they're swimming naked (as one does in a remote lake). All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in *my* community, they recognize me by my face."

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I'm like a salmon swimming upstream...

I'm horny and ready to die

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Blonde in a field.

A blonde woman is driving down a road when she sees another blonde in the middle of a field and she appears to be swimming. Angry at the site, the blonde driver slams on the brakes, hops out of the car and screams "YOU KNOW, IT IS BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT GIVE BLONDES LIKE ME A BAD NAME!!" The blonde in the field replies "Yeah, well why don't you come out here and do something about it?" The blonde driver replies "I WOULD BUT I CAN'T SWIM!"

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3 Guys find a Genie in an Indoor swimming pool.

Genie: "Okay, all of you will get on the springboard, say what they wish to be in the pool it will be in there."

Max: "I want money!" And so he jumps in a pool of money.

Peter: "I want Chocolate" and so he jumps into a pool of chocolate.

Carl slips off the springboard and screams "SHIT!"

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean.

One turns to the other and goes, "BWOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU."

And the second one turns to the first and goes, "Dude, what the hell?"

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My wife started swimming for exercise...

she said it gave her a sense of porpoise.

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How many children with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Wanna go swimming?

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They say Titanic was shot in a swimming pool.

So was The Great Gatsby.

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A man knocked my door for some donation..

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. i gave him a glass of water.

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Little jimmys mom told him that if he ever did a bad thing as punishment he would turn to stone....

One day jimmy went down to the pond with him friend Billy to fish when they saw a beautiful woman naked swimming in the pond the two kids watched in awe when suddenly jimmy ran away scarred

Jimmy ran home to his mom crying saying "sorry I did a bad thing!" "What did you do asked jimmy's mom?" Jimmy wiped away a tear and said "I saw a naked lady in the pond and I got scarred because I started to feel like I was turning to stone so I ran."

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead are stuck on an island 100 miles away from mainland with no communication to anyone else.

The brunette gets fed up with staying on the island with no one to save them so she starts swimming towards the mainland

she gets about 30 miles in, gets too tired and drowns

The redhead also gets too bored on the island and decides to swim for it

she gets 60 miles in and gets too tired and drowns

The blonde, now all alone with no rescue in sight decides to also attempt to swim for it.

she gets 50 miles in, gets tired, decides that she would rather wait for rescue and swims 50 miles back onto the island

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Bob was swimming when a sea monster grabbed him by the balls.

Plus 2 or minus 2? Said the monster

Plus 2! Said Bob, but when he got out of the water he discovered he now had 4 balls. Bob was pissed with having 4 balls, but he figured he'd find the monster and this time say minus 2 and return to normal, so Bob goes for another swim. After swimming around in the water for a while Bob is grabbed by the balls again, Bob was ready with his answer.

Plus 4 or minus 4?

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I would never donate blood as that would mean my blood would be swimming in some other guy's boner

no hemo

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked me to make a small donation to the local swimming pool

So I gave him a glass of water

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What are the most racist jokes you know?

There were 3 car accidents in Mexico 70 people died.

What do you call a bunch of black people in a swimming pool?
Coco puffs.

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The Yeti

A local married couple came forward today and said that a Yeti was spying on them while they were having sex in their swimming pool, watching them intently before running off into the woods.

Now, I've been called lots of things in the past but that's just mean.

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Why can't a Finnish man go swimming?

Because Helsinki.

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I like my women like my rum

Aged 13 years and swimming in coke

Disclaimer: This is a joke! I do NOT condone mixing rum and coke!

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"The car won't start," said a conscious wife to her beloved husband.

"I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."

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I want Tampax!

A little boy was asked by his mom what he would like for his birthday. He answered immediately: "I want Tampax!"


The mother was shocked, then asked him why in the world he would want that for his birthday.


"Because it says in the commercials that with Tampax you can go swimming, ride a horse, or go to a party any time you a want to.

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Two old Polish guys were talking about how tough their childhoods were...

"When I was a boy, my father taught me to swim the old fashioned way! He just took me out to the middle of a lake and threw me overboard!"

"Wow! That must have been scary!"

"Well, it was easy enough swimming back to shore, once I got myself out of that burlap sack."

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Ron, an elderly man in Florida...

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm with a big pond in the backyard for several years. The pond was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and citrus trees.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down and check on the swimming hole, because he hadn't been to that area of the property in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.


As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"


Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked."


Rob held the bucket up high and said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

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A man had a party where all the rich people attend.

And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.

But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.

So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"

The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bullets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ...

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Women are like a swimming pool...

considering the money you spent on it and the time you spend in it

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A father whale and his son are swimming...

...When the son whale asks his father
"Hey dad, where did I come from.?"
The father whale replies "From my penis, son." The son rolls his eyes and says "Thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

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I was at the local swimming pool today and was bursting for a piss, so I went down to the deep end, I got caught, the pool attendant blew his whistle so loud.

I nearly fell in.

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I watched hockey before it was cool.

They basically were swimming.

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So I just got banned from swimming at my local pool...

Apparently Breast Stroke isn't exactly what I thought it was

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Two alligators were swimming next to a law firm...

*

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I had a dream last night that I was swimming through an ocean of orange soda...

...it was a Fanta Sea

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Fish is swimming up river when he bumps his head.

"Dam!"

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I had a dream about swimming in an ocean of soda last night.

Turns oout it was just a Fanta-sea.

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A rabbi and a catholic priest

A rabbi and a catholic priest met at the Sea Genezareth. The rabbi sugests that they should go swimming, but the catholic priest didn't want to, because he got no smimming trunks with him. After a little discussion the rabbi convinced him to go naked, just like god made them.
Shortly after they have gone in to the water a group of tourists came by. Immediately the catholic priest covered his manhood with his hands, however the rabbi covered his face.
The catholic priest asks the rabbi wondering why he covers his face instead of his manhood.
The rabbi answered:
People recognize me by my face!

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the newlyweds go to the hotel swimming pool...

The guy goes to the diving board and performs a 2 1/2 sommersaults with 2 twists backwards.

-"Whoa, that was impressive," says the wife when the man comes back.

-"I was a double medallist in London olympics, dear".

So the woman dives in and does 90 lenghts of the pool in 2 1/2 minutes.

-"Baby, that WAS impressive", says the husband.

-"I was a prostitute in Venice, dear"

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The Tale of Two Whales

A guy and girl whale are swimming along, when the guy whale spots a ship on the horizon. He says to the girl whale, "Hey, I dare you to swim over to that boat and use your blowhole to flip it over." The girl whale swims over to the vessel and capsizes it in one go. She says to the guy whale, "That was too easy." The guy whale says, "Alright, I dare you to eat all of the sailors floating in the water." The girl whale responds with, "No! I agreed to the blow job, but I refuse to swallow the seamen."

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Today my jerk colleague at work asked me to cover his ass so that he can attend a pool party with his friends

I refused with anger, and told him to use a swimming suit like all people do.

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How are women like swimming pools?

They both cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time of money you spend inside.

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A father shark and a son shark come across a shipwreck...

The son shark immediately starts swimming for the people, anxious for the easy meal. The father shark stops him. The son shark asks "Why can't I eat the people?". The father explains to him, "In a moment son...watch me". The father shark proceeds to swim around the people, showing his fins. He swims around them again, showing more fins and all his teeth. He says to his son, "OK, you can eat them now". His son asks "why couldn't I eat them before?", his father replies, "They taste better without the shit in them."

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You heard about the swimming pool on the Titanic?

After all these years it's still full.

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean.

The first whale goes

AAAAAAAOOOOORRRRRRUUUAAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUAAAAHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNGHHH



The second whale says

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FRANK SHUT THE FUCK UP

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Sorry I'm shit faced

Why did the midget go swimming in the kitchen?
There were microwaves.

Sorry I was drunk making popcorn.

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A pair of Arms, a pair of Legs and a head have a swimming race...

All contestants dive in, the arms take the lead with the legs just behind, however the head has sunk to the bottom. The arms eventually win, with the legs in second.

They recover the head and they asked what happened? The head replied "I've been training for 6 months using my ears and just before we start, some c**t put a swimming cap on me"

*Edit, spelling mistake

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I'd like to drown my sorrows.

But I can't convince my wife to go swimming.

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2 sperms are swimming side by side

sperm 1: do you know how much longer 'til the fallopian tube?

sperm 2: fallopian tube? we aren't even past the esophagus yet!

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3 women of different hair colours get shipwrecked on a small desert island 1km away from a civilised island.

The first woman, who has brown hair, attempts to swim to the civilised island, but only gets 200 metres before getting tired and swimming back. The next woman, with black hair, sees the first one's attempt and also tries. She gets 400 metres before tiring and swimming back. The blonde then has a try, gets 800 metres, tires, and swims back.

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Three ugly girls go on a quest to change their ugliness...

Their quest has them finding a magic swimming pool guarded by a fairy.

"I all know your plight and now I present you the solution to all your problems! Just run and dive to this pool and while you're in the air, scream the name of the person you want to be as beautiful as and you shall get out of the water looking gorgeous!"

The first ugly girl, desperate, then positions herself for the run. She then runs and as she dives, she screams, "SCARLETT JOHANSSON!" Splash! She gets out of the water as beautiful as her!

The second one positions herself, then runs, and as she dives she screams "JENNIFER LAWRENCE!" Splash! She gets out of the water as beautiful as her!

The third one, excited, positions herself, but as she runs, she slips, screaming "OH SHIT!" and lands in the water.

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What did the Olympic size swimming pool say to the kiddie pool?

I can't be your friend anymore you're just too shallow!

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An English cat, a Spanish cat, and a French cat are in a swimming race

The English cat's name is One two three. The Spanish cat's name is Uno dos tres. The French cat's name is Un deux trois.

The English cat came in first, the Spanish cat came in second, but the French cat was nowhere to be found.

The Un deux trois quatre cinq

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Two fish are swimming and suddenly reach a cement wall

"Dam"

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Women are like swimming pools..

Their maintenance costs are too high considering the time you spend inside them

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Two fish are swimming around in a tank...

One says to the other hey do you know how to drive this thing?

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I had a dream I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda

I guess you could say it was a Fanta-sea

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Why did the lone dolphin stop swimming?

He didn't see a porpoise...

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Skinny Dipping . . .

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, to check it out.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "we're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked so that I could get a good look at you," holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

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Swimming pool

A white man is at a public swimming pool. He dips his penis in the water and says "This pool is 76 degrees". A black man, astonished, walks up to him and asks him how he does it. The white man says "all white men can". The black guy now wants to prove that black men can too. He dips *his* penis in the water and says "I can't tell you the temperature, but I can tell you it's 4 feet deep".

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"Mommy, mommy, I don't want to go to Europe!"

"Shut up and keep swimming."

I once knew a bunch of these. How many do you know?

Another one: "Mommy, mommy, I hate my sister's guts!" "Shut up and keep eating."

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Help me finish a joke?

I don't even know if this is the right place for this, but I'll try it and see what happens...

This sounds ridiculous, but here goes. In a dream last night, I told a joke. I don't exactly remember all of it, and woke up towards the end. But I like the setup. Please take a look at the part that I'm able to remember and add your own interpretation. Feel free to change anything you need in order to make the joke better.

Also, if there's a better place for me to post this, please let me know.

Here's what I remember...

Three ducks are out swimming, heading "somewhere", when they come across a magic lamp. The first duck rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The first duck asks the genie for a quicker way to reach "somewhere". With a clap of the genie's hands, a rowboat appears in the lake.

The ducks row for a while, but they get tired. The second duck rubs the lamp, and again, the genie pops out. The second duck says the boat is nice, but asks for a quicker way to get "somewhere". Again, the genie claps his hands, and an outboard motor appears at the back of the rowboat. They fire up the motor and get moving.

That's what I remember telling in the dream. I'm just curious what you all can come up with based on that. Change whatever you like, but would appreciate if we could keep the ducks, the genie, and the rowboat please. Thanks for reading.

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officer answer the lady who came for swimming

Officer: "Madam, swimming is prohibited in this lake."
Lady: "Why didn't you tell me when I was removing my clothes?"
Officer: "Well, that's not prohibited."

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a jewish lady and her boy were at the beach...

the boy is swimming in the sea, quite a way out. the mother looks on from the shore. after a while its clear the boy is in trouble. he's struggling to keep his his head above and he goes under.
his mother cannot swim at all so with no other option she drops to her knees and prays to God.

"GOD, Hear me! please help my boy! help my little bubala!"

sure enough the boy raises from the sea, levitating in the air he begins to float to the shore. it is clearly an act of god. the invisible force delivers him right into his mothers arms where he spits up sea water and takes a deep gasp of air...

his mother looks up at the sky and shouts to God:

"Excuse me!! I believe he was wearing a hat, hmm?"

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An American, German and Russian go swimming

An American, German and Russian go swimming, the Russian gets ready to jump in but the American stops him and says

"Careful i put in a chlorine tablet not long ago, you might want to wait"

The Russian responds with "Ill be fine, a little chlorine never hurt anyone"

The German on the lawn chair starts laughing.

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2 whales

Two Whales, Bob & Brenda, are swimming in the cold arctic waters when Bob spies a boat. "It can't be!" exclaims Bob. "What" asks Brenda. "You see that boat in the distance, Brenda? Well that's the whaler that murdered my parents!" "Oh Bob, that's awful" replies Brenda. "Quick, Brenda, I have a plan! you go port side & I'll go starboard & we'll blow as hard we can out of our blow-holes & sink the boat!" so Bob & Brenda position themselves either side of the boat & blow with all their might. Sure enough, the sea turns to foam & the boat capsises throwing the sailers into the sea. Brenda turns to leave. "Where do yu think you're going?" asks bob. "We're not done yet! Now we're going to eat the sailors!" "Look" replies Brenda "I don't mind doing the blow job but there's no way I'm swallowing Seamen!!"

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What did the fish swimming upstream say when it hit its head?

"Dam."

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What are the best Swimming puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Swimming? Well, here are the best jokes about Swimming to have fun with.

Joko Jokes