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Swim Jokes

145 swim jokes and hilarious swim puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about swim that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Dive into a pool of laughter with these Swim Jokes! Whether you're attending a Christmas swim meet, supervising a breaststroke, or diving off the mainland, you'll be sure to find a joke that fits the moment. So grab your swimsuit and dive right in!

Funniest Swim Short Jokes

Short swim jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The swim humour may include short swam jokes also.

  1. I hope that when kim kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim. The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
  2. Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?
    Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge.
    Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.
  3. How do you get 100 Canadians out of a swimming pool in a hurry? Say: "Would everyone please get out of the swimming pool."
  4. A gorgeous woman waved to me at the beach yesterday. But there was no way I was swimming out that far, to talk to her.
  5. A shark can swim faster than a human, but a human can run faster than a shark… ..So in a triathlon it comes down to who's the better cyclist
  6. I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice. Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
  7. Hippos can swim and run faster than humans. What does this mean? The bycicle is the only way to beat then in a triathlon.
  8. I recently had a dream that I was swimming in a sea of carbonated orange juice. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea
  9. Regretting the compliment... A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
  10. North Korea is participating in the olympics this year, but they won't win. Because all of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in south korea

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Swim One Liners

Which swim one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with swim? I can suggest the ones about dive and bathe.

  1. What is big, yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children
  2. Why can't two elephants go swimming? -They only have one pair of trunks.
  3. I dream of one day swimming in an ocean of orange carbonated water It's my Fanta sea.
  4. Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine? The Crimea River
  5. When do Jews go swimming? When it Israeli hot
  6. Why did the American start shooting the river? He learned fish swim in schools
  7. Where does a Muslim learn to swim? Inshallah water.
  8. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish? swimming trunks! :D
  9. What hormones does a fish use to swim in a house? Indoor Fins
  10. What's big, yellow, and can't swim? A bus full of kids
  11. Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark? Black people can't swim.
  12. I have often wanted to drown my sorrows... I just can't convince my wife to go swimming.
  13. A fish swimming in a river hits into a wall and yells Dam.
  14. Why are Scandinavians so good at swimming? Cause they have Finns
  15. Why are elephants banned from the swimming pool? They can't keep their trunks up.

Swim Team Jokes

Here is a list of funny swim team jokes and even better swim team puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team? Because everyone who is good at running, jumping, and swimming have already made it into the U.S.
  • Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team? Because everyone who could jump, run, and swim have already crossed the border.
  • Why are there no Mexican teams in the olympics? If a mexican can run, jump or swim, they're in the US.
  • Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team Because everyone who can run, jump and swim are already in America.
  • Why does the Mexican Olympic team always do so badly? Because anyone who can swim, run, or climb is already in America.
  • Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because very one who can run, jump, climb, or swim is already in the US.
  • How many men from the US swim team does it take to open a door? Just one if its lochte'd
  • Why hasn't Mexico got an Olympic team? Because the ones who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S
  • Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because all of them that could run, jump, or swim are in the U.S
  • Why doesn't Cuba have a soccer team? All their athletes are training for distance swimming.

Swim Meet Jokes

Here is a list of funny swim meet jokes and even better swim meet puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I asked my coach if he thought I'd win today's swim meet. He told me, don't hold your breath, kid.
    So I drowned.
  • Blonde Swimmer In a swim-meet, after the blonde came in last place competing in the breast-s**..., she complained to the judges that all the other girls were using their arms.
Swim joke, Blonde Swimmer

Adult Swim Jokes

Here is a list of funny adult swim jokes and even better adult swim puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.
  • Why did the partially-sighted kid go to the public swimming pool? He wanted adult supervision.
  • What's it called when an Adult Swim exec's body freezes up after death? Rickor Mortys

Christmas Swim Jokes

Here is a list of funny christmas swim jokes and even better christmas swim puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did the blind kid get for Christmas? swimming goggles
  • My 5 year old daughter wants a t**... for Christmas She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
    Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...
Swim joke, My 5 year old daughter wants a t**... for Christmas

Giggle-Inducing Swim Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends

What funny jokes about swim you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean swallow jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make swim pranks.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

Cost me an arm and a leg!

3 women of different hair colours get shipwrecked on a small desert island 1km away from a civilised island.

The first woman, who has brown hair, attempts to swim to the civilised island, but only gets 200 metres before getting tired and swimming back. The next woman, with black hair, sees the first one's attempt and also tries. She gets 400 metres before tiring and swimming back. The blonde then has a try, gets 800 metres, tires, and swims back.

Three blondes want to cross the Nile. A Golden Fish offers each of them a wish to come true

The first one wishes to swim fast. She gets to the middle of the river and the crocodiles eat her. The second one wishes to swim faster. When she gets to the middle the crocodiles eat her. The third blonde wishes to become a man. The Gold Fish turns her into a man and she says: -Thank God there's a bridge here.

A whale tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the b**..., but I absolutely refuse to s**... the s**...."

Why do sharks only swim in salt water? (Got this is a c**... Jack box)

Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

A Friend Of Mine Asked Why The Mexican's Never Do Great In The Olympics

I looked at him and said, "Well Tommy, you see, all the ones that can run, jump, or swim, are already in America."

I was wondering...

since there are great white sharks, how come there aren't any great black sharks? Then i realized even if there were, they probably couldn't swim...

Why does Mexico never get any Olympic medals?

Because any Mexican who can run, jump, or swim is in America already

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island

they can see land in the distance, and decide to swim for it.
The redhead goes first, gets 1/4 of the way there, gets tired and swims back.
The brunette manages to swim 1/3 of the way there, but gets tired and swims back.
The blonde is able to swim halfway, but gets tired and returns to the island.

Un Deux t**...

A French cat called Un Deux t**... attempted to swim the English Channel last weekend but sadly didn't make it and drowned. It was all over the news the next day; "Un Duex t**... Cat Sank"

A blonde was attempting to swim across the English channel.

But she got tired halfway, and swam back.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat . . .

A Republican sees a man drowning 50 feet from the pier. He throws the man a 25 foot rope, and expects him to swim half way.
A Democrat sees a man drowning 50 feet from the pier. He throws him a 100 foot rope. Then lets of of his end.

Blonde joke

So two blondes were driving through the country and noticed another blonde. She was sitting in a rowboat, which was in the middle of a field, and she was trying to row it.
The first blonde said- See, it's blondes like that that give us a bad name.
And the second blonde replied- Yeah! If I could swim, I'd go out there and drown her myself!

Blonde, Brunette, Redhead

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped on an island 1000 kilometers from shore, and the only way to get back is to swim.
The brunette goes 200 kilometers, gets tired, and drowns.
The redhead goes 650 kilometers, gets tired, and also drowns.
Then the blonde gets to 999 kilometers, gets tired, turns around and swims back.

Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...

And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.
"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."
"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.
"Listen, I'm the President of the United States, I can give you anything you want!"
She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'd mighty like a plot at the Arlington National Cemetery if ya can do that fer me."
"Why does a young woman like you want a burial plot at the cemetery?"
"Because" she said, "When my friends and family find out what I just did they'll kill me!"

Swimming in the Ocean

I while back I was sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this guy in the ocean screaming "HELP SHARK, HELP!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

What country does fried fish swim in?

Greece!
(courtesy of my ten year old)

What did God say when Eve swim in the ocean for the first?

He said, "Oh great, now we'll never get that smell off the fish".

What's yellow and can't swim?

A bulldozer.

Why has Mexico never won olympic gold?

All those who can run, jump and swim are in Texas.

The English Cat and the French Cat

There were two cats. One was British and one was French. The name of the British cat was One-two-three and the name of the French cat was Un-deux-t**.... They decided to have a race to see which cat could be the first to swim across the English Channel.
Obviously, the cat named One-two-three won. Why? Because Un-deux-t**... cat sank.

Difference between a tragedy and a disaster

A boy asks his dad the difference between tragedy and a disaster. The father answers "a tragedy is if we were on a boat and your mother falls off the boat into the water". "So what's a disaster" asks the boy, "if your mother knows how to swim" says the father.
Sorry for my poor English, this joke is translated

Two brothers, aged 9 and 5, try to buy tampons at a pharmacy.

They take them to the counter and the pharmacist says, Are these for you?
The older brother says, They aren't for me, they're for my brother.
Very confused the pharmacist asks, But, why does your brother need them? , and the older brother says, Well, the lady on the TV said if you use these you can swim and ride a bicycle and he can't do either of those things.

A couple of whales.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the same side of the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him."What's the matter, Darling?"
"Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the b**..., but I absolutely refuse to s**... the s**...".

f**...

Emily died last week after she fell in the lake.
It's a shame she never learned how to swim.
We brought a life preserver to her f**....
It's what she would have wanted.

Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

The specific ocean.

What do you call a marine who can't swim?

A submarine.

Why are there so few Mexican athletes in the Olympics?

Because most of them who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

Why do the best swimmers come from Flint, Michigan?

Because they're always in the lead.

Swimming Cats

There are 2 cats, an English cat and a French cat, in a contest to swim the English Channel. The English cat is called the one two three cat, and the French cat is called the un deux t**... cat. who won?
The English cat. The un deux t**... quatre cinq.

What does a gangster rapper Juice Wrld do when they are involved in a shipwreck?

Swim fo sho

Two blondes were driving along in a car...

...when they came across an open field with another blond sitting in a canoe and pretending to row it.
One blonde in the car says to the other, "See, it's things like this that gives blonde a bad reputation, if I could swim, I would go out there and bash her".

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island...

To get back to the mainland, they must swim 100 miles.
The redhead swims 70 miles, and drowns.
The brunette swims 90 miles, and drowns.
The blond swims 50 miles, but gets tired, and swims back to the island to rest.

My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard...

It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all stuck on an island.

The redhead tries to swim home and makes a quarter of the way there, then drowns. The brunette gets a third of the way there, then drowns. The blonde gets halfway there, then gets tired, turns around and swims back.

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter...

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight." the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for our brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He cant do either one."

Why doesn't Mexico ever do well in the Olympics?

Because every mexican that can run, jump, or swim is already in America.

Why do hippies like to swim way offshore?

Cause it's far out, man

Two back desk orchestral players go fishing

And one falls out of the boat.
He screams: "help, I don't know how to swim!"
His partner replies: "just fake it!"

This girl said she could see a bulge in my swim shorts and I was flattered.

I looked down at my c**... and she said, "The other side."

Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...

"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"
"I did Teacher"
"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"
"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."
"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"
"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"

Two old Polish guys were talking about how tough their childhoods were...

"When I was a boy, my father taught me to swim the old fashioned way! He just took me out to the middle of a lake and threw me overboard!"
"Wow! That must have been scary!"
"Well, it was easy enough swimming back to shore, once I got myself out of that burlap sack."

Did you know?

The swimming pools in the Titanic are still full

I went to the pool with the local orphanage but none of them would get in the water.

It's like thier parents never taught them to swim. Or something

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island

The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.
The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.
Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.

What is yellow, has 38 eyes, and can't swim?

A School Bus.

I come from a long line of alcoholics.

My gene pool has a swim up bar.

What is yellow, has one arm and can't swim?

- an excavator
Do you think that's funny?
Well, the excavator operator doesn't

Three women were stranded on an island after a shipwreck

Three women were stranded on an island after a shipwreck, a redhead, brunette and a blonde. The nearest civilization was a 40 mile swim away. The redhead swam 10 miles and drowned. The brunette swam 15 miles and drowned. The blonde swam 20 miles, became exhausted and decided she wouldn't be able to make the rest of the swim; so she swam back.

My wife said to me the other day "For the last time I am on my period and I am NOT getting into the water to swim!"

She totally ruined my shark fishing trip.

Swimming pool

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!
I replied Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!
Yes, but not from the high dive!

Why do mexicans never win the Olympics?

Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump and swim are in the US.

God Will Save Me

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

I don't know why they need to specify that certain beef is ground beef...

... cause I've never seen a cow that could fly or swim

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry

Blonde in a field.

A blonde woman is driving down a road when she sees another blonde in the middle of a field and she appears to be swimming. Angry at the site, the blonde driver slams on the brakes, hops out of the car and screams "YOU KNOW, IT IS BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT GIVE BLONDES LIKE ME A BAD NAME!!" The blonde in the field replies "Yeah, well why don't you come out here and do something about it?" The blonde driver replies "I WOULD BUT I CAN'T SWIM!"

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
He has two in his boat when the police approach him.
The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.
"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."
So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.
"Call who back?"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island

The brunette decides to try to swim to another island with more people on it. She can only swim 1/8 of the way, so she swims back. The redhead tries the same, but only makes it 1/4 of the way. The blonde makes it halfway, gets tired and swims back.

Why do koi always swim in groups of 4?

So that while the A koi, B koi and C koi escape the predator will always go for the D koi

The French and the British decided to have two cats swim a race across the English Channel...

They named the French cat "un deux t**... cat" and the British, "one two three cat."
Which cat made it across first?
The British cat, because everyone knows that un deux t**... cat cinq.

Three women are stranded on an island

Three women are stranded on an island. There is a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. The women decide to try to swim to the mainland.
The brunette swims 1/4 of the way then drowns
The redhead swims 1/3 of the way then drowns
The blonde swims 2/3 of the way but gets tired and swims back

How do you know which swimmer is the s**... offender?

It's the breast stroker

When I go to the pool

When I go to the pool, I set my phone to update while it sits in my locker. That way I can sync and swim at the same time.

The only way to learn...

When I was a young kid my dad taught me how to swim by throwing me in the deep end of a pool. Swimming to the ladder was easy, but getting out of the sack was the hard part.

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

A shark is teaching his kid how to attack swimmers.

"Make sure your dorsal fin is above the water and swim toward them *really fast*, then veer away at the last moment. Do that a few times, and then go back and eat them."
"But why not just come up from below and eat them right away?"
"Well, they taste a lot better if you *empty* 'em first."

Swim joke, A shark is teaching his kid how to attack swimmers.

jokes about swim