swim Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious swim puns

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island

The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.

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A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."

So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.

"Call who back?"

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What is big, yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children

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As blond woman, I've heard them all. But this is my favorite blond joke.

A blonde is driving down the highway when she looks out the window to see another blonde in a rowboat, in the middle of a field, rowing as hard as she can.

She pulls over, gets out of her car, runs to the edge of the field and yells as loud as she can, 'It's bitches like you that give blondes a bad name and if I could swim, I'd come out there and beat your ass!'

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My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas

She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...

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Regretting the compliment...

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

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A Shark and his Son

A shark and his son are swimming around in the water when they see some scuba divers.
The young shark says to his father, " let's go eat them".

The father tells his son, " this is not the way of sharks. First we swim around them three times, then we eat them"

The son asks, " why do we swim around them three times first."

The father retorts "Because humans taste alot better without the shit in them"

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North Korea is participating in the olympics this year, but they won't win.

Because all of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in south korea

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Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...

"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"

"I did Teacher"

"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"

"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."

"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"

"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"

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A blonde is driving down the road.

She looks out her window and sees another blonde rowing a boat in a wheat field. She stops and yells to her, "Why are you rowing a boat in a field?"

The second blonde replies, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."

The first blonde says, "It's dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name, and if I could swim I'd kick your ass!"

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Why do koi always swim in groups of 4?

So that while the A koi, B koi and C koi escape the predator will always go for the D koi

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My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard...

It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!

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Swimming in the Ocean

I while back I was sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this guy in the ocean screaming "HELP SHARK, HELP!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

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Where does a Muslim learn to swim?

Inshallah water.

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Swimming pool

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!

I replied Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!

Yes, but not from the high dive!

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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says Look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. The son nods. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human.


But dad, why can't we just go eat them human the first time?


Well, you can but why would you want to eat it when it's still full of shit?

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What hormones does a fish use to swim in a house?

Indoor Fins

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I heard a man at the beach yelling "I can't swim!"

Well, I can't play the fucking Piano but am I bitching about it? Attention Whore...

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What's big, yellow, and can't swim?

A bus full of kids

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Funeral

Emily died last week after she fell in the lake.

It's a shame she never learned how to swim.

We brought a life preserver to her funeral.

It's what she would have wanted.

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Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

The specific ocean.

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I was wondering...

since there are great white sharks, how come there aren't any great black sharks? Then i realized even if there were, they probably couldn't swim...

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Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark?

Black people can't swim.

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I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

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I was on a first date with a girl.

Afterwards she said she didn't want to see me again. Apparently she was really pissed because I didn't open the car door for her.

Well excuse me for being in a hurry to swim to the surface.

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Un Deux Trois

A French cat called Un Deux Trois attempted to swim the English Channel last weekend but sadly didn't make it and drowned. It was all over the news the next day; "Un Duex Trois Cat Sank"

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Swimming Cats

There are 2 cats, an English cat and a French cat, in a contest to swim the English Channel. The English cat is called the one two three cat, and the French cat is called the un deux trois cat. who won?

The English cat. The un deux trois quatre cinq.

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My wife said to me the other day "For the last time I am on my period and I am NOT getting into the water to swim!"

She totally ruined my shark fishing trip.

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If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

Cost me an arm and a leg!

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I don't know why they need to specify that certain beef is ground beef...

... cause I've never seen a cow that could fly or swim

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What do you call a marine who can't swim?

A submarine.

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Two brothers, aged 9 and 5, try to buy tampons at a pharmacy.

They take them to the counter and the pharmacist says, Are these for you?

The older brother says, They aren't for me, they're for my brother.

Very confused the pharmacist asks, But, why does your brother need them? , and the older brother says, Well, the lady on the TV said if you use these you can swim and ride a bicycle and he can't do either of those things.

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island

they can see land in the distance, and decide to swim for it.

The redhead goes first, gets 1/4 of the way there, gets tired and swims back.

The brunette manages to swim 1/3 of the way there, but gets tired and swims back.

The blonde is able to swim halfway, but gets tired and returns to the island.

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Why sharks circle before they attack...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first!"

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A whale tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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What are the most funny Swim jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Swim? Well, here are the best Swim dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Swim pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes