swim Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious swim puns

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in *my* community, they recognise me by my face."

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A sperm was undergoing training for conception

His instructor said, 'When the siren goes off, rush out the tunnel and swim until you find a red sticky ball. Address the ball and say "I'm a sperm" to which the ball will reply "I'm the egg". You will then work together to form the embryo. Do you understand?'

The sperm nodded. Days later, the sperm was sleeping when he heard the siren. He was the first one out of the tunnel and the first to reach the sticky red ball. He was millimeters ahead of all his comrades. He bowed courteously and said: "I'm a sperm".

The red sticky ball smiled and said: "Hi, I'm the tonsil"

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island

The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.

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Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just Eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!"

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A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."

So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.

"Call who back?"

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Swimming Pool Joke

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

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Two great white sharks . . .

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.


"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."


And they did.


"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."


And they did.


"Now we eat everybody."


And they did.


When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"


His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"

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What is big, yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children

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As blond woman, I've heard them all. But this is my favorite blond joke.

A blonde is driving down the highway when she looks out the window to see another blonde in a rowboat, in the middle of a field, rowing as hard as she can.

She pulls over, gets out of her car, runs to the edge of the field and yells as loud as she can, 'It's bitches like you that give blondes a bad name and if I could swim, I'd come out there and beat your ass!'

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Two whales

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a boat. One whale says to the other, ''I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes, and capsize it."

"Okay," says the other whale.


They proceed to do so and swim back down, laughing all the while.
Then the first whale then says, ''I have an even better idea, now that the fishermen are in the water, why don't we swim back up and eat them?''


The other whale then replies ''No thanks. I'm all for the occasional blow job but I never swallow the seamen."

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My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas

She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...

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Regretting the compliment...

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

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A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a swim. He swims
across the river and back".

"Bullshit" the officer replies. So the man places the turtle in the
water and says "watch this". The turtle swims out and the two
men are standing there waiting.

Ten minutes goes past and the officer says "well where's the turtle?".

The man replies - "what turtle"?

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A Shark and his Son

A shark and his son are swimming around in the water when they see some scuba divers.
The young shark says to his father, " let's go eat them".

The father tells his son, " this is not the way of sharks. First we swim around them three times, then we eat them"

The son asks, " why do we swim around them three times first."

The father retorts "Because humans taste alot better without the shit in them"

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North Korea is participating in the olympics this year, but they won't win.

Because all of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in south korea

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Two whales were swimming together in the Pacific Ocean...

When they come across a whaling vessel. One whale looks to the other and says "we should swim under it and blow our air out, and hopefully the boat will capsize!" The second whale agrees, thinking that every whaler deserves a fate like that, so they swim under the boat, and exhale as hard as they can. The boat tips over and all the men on board are stranded, floating I the water. The first whale then says "we should eat these sailors so they don't ever even have the chance to hunt another one of us again!" The second whale, with a look of disgust on her face, replies "Look. I went ahead with the blowjob, but there is no WAY you're going to get me to eat the seamen!"

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Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...

"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"

"I did Teacher"

"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"

"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."

"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"

"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"

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A whale of a joke

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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A blonde is driving down the road.

She looks out her window and sees another blonde rowing a boat in a wheat field. She stops and yells to her, "Why are you rowing a boat in a field?"

The second blonde replies, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."

The first blonde says, "It's dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name, and if I could swim I'd kick your ass!"

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A black family of 5 lives by a magical river that turns black people to white people...

...when you swim across it. First the mother jumps in and swims across. When she comes out she turns white.

She yells to her husband, "Honey, it worked! Swim across!"

The father jumps in and swims across and he too turned white when he got out.

They then say come on kids! The three kids jump in and realized that they don't know how to swim.

The mother says to the husband, "Are you gonna jump in and save them?"

The father responds and says, "No fuck those n***ers!"

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What is yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children.

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A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

Game warden: "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"

"But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket."

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."

The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: "So where are the fish?"

Fisherman: "What fish?"

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A couple of whales.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the same side of the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him."What's the matter, Darling?"
"Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

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Why do koi always swim in groups of 4?

So that while the A koi, B koi and C koi escape the predator will always go for the D koi

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My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard...

It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!

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He's My Brother!

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?

Eight, the boy replied.

The man continued, Do you know what these are used for?

The boy replied, Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes," the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of that!"

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Swimming in the Ocean

I while back I was sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this guy in the ocean screaming "HELP SHARK, HELP!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

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What's yellow and can't swim

A bus full of children

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A whale tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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Where does a Muslim learn to swim?

Inshallah water.

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Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...

And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.

"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."

"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.

"Listen, I'm the President of the United States, I can give you anything you want!"

She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'd mighty like a plot at the Arlington National Cemetery if ya can do that fer me."

"Why does a young woman like you want a burial plot at the cemetery?"

"Because" she said, "When my friends and family find out what I just did they'll kill me!"

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So there are two sharks swimming in the ocean...

...and they see some swimmers above them. One shark says "Hey, let's go eat those swimmers." The other shark says "Not yet, first we have to up to the surface, swim around them and show them just a little bit of fin." So they do.

When they get back down beneath, the first shark says "Okay, now can we eat them?" The second shark says "Wait, now we go up, circle them, and show them A LOT of fin." So they do.

They get back down and the first shark says "Okay, NOW can we eat them?" and the second shark replies "yeah, now we eat them."

They have their tasty meal, and when they get back under, the first shark asks "Alright, so what's with the whole show them our fins routine?"

The second shark replies "They taste better without the shit in 'em."

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Swimming pool

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!

I replied Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!

Yes, but not from the high dive!

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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says Look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. The son nods. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human.


But dad, why can't we just go eat them human the first time?


Well, you can but why would you want to eat it when it's still full of shit?

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What hormones does a fish use to swim in a house?

Indoor Fins

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Two whales were swimming through ocean when... NSFW

They spotted a whaling vessel overhead. The young whale turns to the old whale and says, "Hey, Mom! Thats the boat that killed father. Lets get it!" The mother turns to her daughter, nodding in agreement, and says, "Heres what we will do: I will swim directly under the boat and blow bubbles until the boat capsizes. Then you will come in and attack the sailors who fall overboard." The mother proceeds to swim under the boat and executes her part of the plan perfectly. As the sailors tumble into the water, the daughter yells in excitement, "Mom! Here they come, lets get them!" The mother shakes her head and says lovingly to her daughter, "No, honey, I gave the blow job, you swallow the seamen."

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I heard a man at the beach yelling "I can't swim!"

Well, I can't play the fucking Piano but am I bitching about it? Attention Whore...

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What's big, yellow, and can't swim?

A bus full of kids

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Funeral

Emily died last week after she fell in the lake.

It's a shame she never learned how to swim.

We brought a life preserver to her funeral.

It's what she would have wanted.

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Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

The specific ocean.

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I was wondering...

since there are great white sharks, how come there aren't any great black sharks? Then i realized even if there were, they probably couldn't swim...

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Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark?

Black people can't swim.

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I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

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My grandpa was too sick to hear my daily joke at lunch today so I wanted to share his favorite joke!

There's a blonde rowing a boat out in a cornfield when another blonde drives by and sees her. She pulls over and yells to the blonde in the field, "You're the reason people think blondes are so stupid, and if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

PS- Thanks to this sub for constantly providing me with hilarious jokes to tell my grandpa at lunch! He's an awesome man and really enjoyed the one about Congress being kidnapped the other day.

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A billionaire was celebrating his 50th birthday

At party he grabbed a mic and said

"There are 2 sharks in my swimming pool, if one of you can swim from one side to the other I'll give him whatever he asks for"

No one dared to jump in the water until suddenly everyone heard a splash and saw a man swimming as fast as he could.

The man actually made it to the side and the billionaire rushed to congratulate him.

The billionaire said "you can ask for anything, my money, my car or even my wife!"

The man said "I don't want your money or car, I just want to know who was that son of a bitch who shoved me in the water"

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I was on a first date with a girl.

Afterwards she said she didn't want to see me again. Apparently she was really pissed because I didn't open the car door for her.

Well excuse me for being in a hurry to swim to the surface.

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The epic journey of the sperm cell

Once upon a time, a brand new sperm cell was being instructed by an older sperm cell.

"Right," he said, "this is what's going to happen: one day you'll be having a nap and you'll hear a siren. You rush out as fast as can, make absolutely sure you swim as hard as you can, because you HAVE to be first! You'll enter a long, wet pink tunnel, and you have to swim right to the end. When you get to the end, you'll see a round red ball. You say to the ball: 'Hi, I'm a sperm cell,' and the round red ball will say: 'Hi, I'm an egg cell,' and then the miracle of conception will occur."

"Don't worry sir," said the new sperm cell, "I won't let you down!"

A little while later, the new sperm cell is having a nap and he hears the siren!

Fast as lightning, he dashes off, swimming as fast as can. He enters the wet pink tunnel, looks behind himself and sees other sperm cells catching up to him, so he swims even faster! Furthur into the pink tunnel he swims, till he looks behind and realises he's first!

Finally, after he thinks he can't carry on any longer, he sees the round red ball.

"Yes," he cries out, "I've made it! Hi, I'm a sperm cell."

The round red ball turns to him and says: "Hi, I'm a tonsil."

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There is a man drowning 100 feet from shore and is crying for help.......

A Democrat shows up and throws him 200 feet of rope. The excess rope weighs the victim down and he drowns.

A Republican shows up and throws out 50 feet of rope and demands that the victim take some responsibility for himself and swim to the rope. He can't and drowns.

A libertarian shows up and shrugs it isn't my problem and just goes away; the victim drowns.

A bunch of Tea Party types show up. One throws the victim a heavy rock; the victim drowns and all of the tea partiers cheer.

A Green Party member shows up. He yells at the victim for polluting the water. The victim drowns.

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Un Deux Trois

A French cat called Un Deux Trois attempted to swim the English Channel last weekend but sadly didn't make it and drowned. It was all over the news the next day; "Un Duex Trois Cat Sank"

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2 Whales, 1 whaling ship

One day a male and a female whale are swimming along, when the male whale sees the whaling ship that killed his mother. He turns to the female whale, and says "I have a plan. Lets both take a huge breath of air, swim under that whaling ship, expel all our breath, and see if we can sink it." The female says okay, and they proceed with his plan, and sure enough the whaling ship sinks. But as the whales are swimming away, the male sees the sailors from the ship swimming away, he turns to the female and says "Quick, lets swim over there and eat those sailors." The female whale turns to him and says "Hey now, wait a minute, I was okay with the blow job, but there is no way I'm swallowing any seamen."

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Mama whale and Papa whale ...

... swim and look upon sailors coming towards them. The sailors are on small boats and have their spear in hand.

Papa whale says to mama whale:

-"They're hunting us, we should make bubbles and tip them over."

The mama whale agrees. They dive underneath the ships and blow so many bubbles that the ships capsize and the sailors fall into the water, but they still have their spears in their hands. Papa whale is still weary.

He says to mama whale:

-"We should eat them".

Mama whale says:

-"Listen, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing seamen."

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Not Here To Swim...

My uncle Mike owns hundreds of acres of land. In a back corner of that land there is a small lake surrounded by peach trees. One day he decides he'll pick some peaches and relax by the water. So he grabs a peach bucket and starts toward the lake. As he gets closer he hears women screaming and thinking something is wrong he sprints to the lake but to his surprise he finds three girls skinny-dipping. As soon as he gets to the shore the three girls see him and swim to the middle of the lake. They yell, "You're not coming in and we're not coming out until you leave." So thinking fast he holds up the bucket and says, "I'm not here to swim. I'm here to feed the alligators!"

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Swimming Cats

There are 2 cats, an English cat and a French cat, in a contest to swim the English Channel. The English cat is called the one two three cat, and the French cat is called the un deux trois cat. who won?

The English cat. The un deux trois quatre cinq.

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My wife said to me the other day "For the last time I am on my period and I am NOT getting into the water to swim!"

She totally ruined my shark fishing trip.

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If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

Cost me an arm and a leg!

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I don't know why they need to specify that certain beef is ground beef...

... cause I've never seen a cow that could fly or swim

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If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive then you should try swimming with sharks.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

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Why Sharks Circle

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spotted survivors of a ship that had just sunk.

"Follow me son" the older father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise old father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

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One day three blondes were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river.

They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.
The first blonde prayed to god saying, 'Please god, give me the strength to cross this river.' Poof! God gave her big arms and strong legs, and she was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this the second blonde prayed to god saying, 'Please god, give me the strength and ability to cross this river.' Poof! God gave her a rowboat and she was able to row across the river in about three hours. The third blond had seen how this worked out for the other two, so she also prayed to god saying, 'please god, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river.' And Poof! God turned her into a man. He looked at the map, then walked upstream and across the bridge.

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A rich guy is having a fancy party...

So he calls the attention of all his guests and says, "Ladies and gents, behind you is a swimming pool with an alligator in it. Whoever is brave enough to swim across it and survive shall be rewarded fifty thousand dollars."
While everyone is still staring at the rich man, there is a loud splash. To everyone's amazement there is a man swimming across the pool as hard as possible and barely makes it to the other side.
The rich man says, "Congratulations! Here is your check for fifty thousand dollars."
The man, soaking wet says, "I don't want!". "You don't want it?" Again he says "I don't want it!"
"Well how about 50 thousand dollars in cash?" again, "I don't want it!!" "How about my beautiful daughter? You can have her." yet again, "I don't want her!!"
The rich man then says, "Well what do you want?" to which the other guy says, "I want the motherfucker that pushed me in the pool!!"

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What do you call a marine who can't swim?

A submarine.

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Two brothers, aged 9 and 5, try to buy tampons at a pharmacy.

They take them to the counter and the pharmacist says, Are these for you?

The older brother says, They aren't for me, they're for my brother.

Very confused the pharmacist asks, But, why does your brother need them? , and the older brother says, Well, the lady on the TV said if you use these you can swim and ride a bicycle and he can't do either of those things.

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A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??

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fishing without a permit.

a young man is found fishing near a pond by a police officer. his bucket of fish is full.

cop: do you have your fishing permit on you young man?

fisherman: no sir. they're my fish. i brought them from home.

cop:what do you mean brought them from home?

fisherman:every day i come here and let the fish swim in the pond and then i call them back.

cop:what? how?

fisherman: i whistle at them and they jump back into the bucket.

cop: show me.

at this point the young man empties his bucket and stands still.

cop: so!

fisherman:so what?

cop: call on the fish!!

fisherman:what fish?

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There was a race between a brunette, a redhead and a blond to swim

There was a race between a brunette, a redhead and a blond to swim from the mainland to Vancouver Island, doing only the breaststroke.

After about 14 hours the brunette staggered up on shore and was declared the winner.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up to the finish line in second.

Nearly four hours after that, the blond finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporter asked why it took her considerably longer to finish the race, she replies, I don't like to sound like a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms!

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What do you call...

What do you call a lifeguard who can't swim? Wade.

What do you call an Irish guy who hangs out on your lawn? Patty O'Furniture

What do you call a Chinese guy who works at Foot Locker? Tai Mai Shu

What do you call a Chinese guy with one testicle bigger than the other? Won Hung Lo

What do you call two guys at the top of a window? Curt n' Rod

What do you call a woman with a wooden leg? Eileen

What do you call an Asian woman with a wooden leg? Irene

Where does she work? IHOP

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island

they can see land in the distance, and decide to swim for it.

The redhead goes first, gets 1/4 of the way there, gets tired and swims back.

The brunette manages to swim 1/3 of the way there, but gets tired and swims back.

The blonde is able to swim halfway, but gets tired and returns to the island.

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Why sharks circle before they attack...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first!"

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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam."

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There's a blonde in the middle of a Kansas field in a rowboat...

just rowing her heart out. Another blonde driving by sees this, pulls over, gets out, and yells "You know it's blondes like you that make us all look dumb! If I could swim I'd come out there and beat your ass!"

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island

The brunette decides to try to swim to another island with more people on it. She can only swim 1/8 of the way, so she swims back. The redhead tries the same, but only makes it 1/4 of the way. The blonde makes it halfway, gets tired and swims back.

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This girl said she could see a bulge in my swim shorts and I was flattered.

I looked down at my crotch and she said, "The other side."

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The French and the British decided to have two cats swim a race across the English Channel...

They named the French cat "un deux trois cat" and the British, "one two three cat."

Which cat made it across first?

The British cat, because everyone knows that un deux trois cat cinq.

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Two fish swim into a concrete wall...

One fish turns to the other and says, dam!

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What country does fried fish swim in?

Greece!

(courtesy of my ten year old)

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Two blondes were driving along in a car...

...when they came across an open field with another blond sitting in a canoe and pretending to row it.

One blonde in the car says to the other, "See, it's things like this that gives blonde a bad reputation, if I could swim, I would go out there and bash her".

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Two fish swim into a concrete wall...

The one fish turns to the other and says,
"Dam."

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So there's an English cat and a French cat

So there are 2 cats, an English cat and a French cat, in a contest to swim the English Channel. The English cat is called the one two three cat, and the French cat is called the un deux trois cat. who won? The English cat. The un deux trois cat sank.

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Two guys go to the river Nile

1: "Yo bro, lets cool off in the river"

2: "Hmm nah dude im good"

1: "Awh come on man, you aren't scared of a little water are you?"

2: "Um n-no, im not, alright lets do it"

So they both swim out into the river, but the 2nd man starts to struggle and thrash around

1: "Oh fuck, bro are you good?"

Through mouthfuls of water, the 2nd man says "yeah, fine!", but he was drowning in denial.

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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everyone who can jump, run or swim is already in the U.S

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A blonde was attempting to swim across the English channel.

But she got tired halfway, and swam back.

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There are three men, Nobody, No-one and Stupid.

They were on a fishing trip in Canada when the first fell in the river, and began to drown, as he had never learned to swim as a child.

The second stayed behind to help rescue him from the river.

The third ran to the nearest police station and explained the situation to the first police officer he saw.

"Officer! Come quickly, Nobody is drowning in the river and No-one is helping him!"

"Are you stupid?" Asked the officer

"I am, yes, nice to meet you."

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How do you sink a norwegian submarine?

Swim down and knock on the hatch.

(In Sweden we have a running tradition of telling jokes about stupid norwegians. They do the same about swedes)

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What does a gangster rapper do when they are involved in a shipwreck?

Swim fo sho

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So a shark and his son are going to get some food....

They look for a vessel in distress, and when they finally find one, the father says to the son, "I'm going to teach you how to catch your first human. First, you raise your dorsal fin slightly out of the water. Second, you raise all of your fins out of the water, and start circling around them. Finally, you go in and eat them."

The father and son swim over to the vessel, and the son executes the meal with ease. The father is impressed with his son, and commends him on his excellent performance. But the son is troubled and asks, "Why do we raise our fins out of the water and circle around them? Wouldn't it just be easier to go in and eat them?"

The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."

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At a lavish party the host calls for silence as he makes an announcement..

He says;

"To the first person who can swim from one end of my swimming pool to the other I will duly award them the sum of one million dollars but there's a twist! As you can see there's also three huge alligators and...

Before he could finish his sentence there's a huge splash and commotion at one end of the pool. A man can be seen frantically swimming for his life towards the other end.

He makes it luckily without being eaten. The host congratulates him and asks him what he will do with the money.

The guy says "I don't care about the money, I just want the name of the fucker who pushed me in."

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter...

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight." the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for our brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He cant do either one."

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A young couple were on their honeymoon . . .

. . . and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool's bottom.

That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel's elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.

When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, "That's not an aquarium...that's the swimming pool!"

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Blonde Race

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all lifeguards. Each thought they were better swimmers than the others. So they decided to have a race down across the town lake. To make the race fair it was decided that everyone was to use the breaststroke.
The lake was huge so it took the redhead, obviously the best swimmer, 2 hours to swim across. The brunette followed her finishing with a time of 3.5 hours. After 5 hours the blonde has not made it across. Just as the redhead and the brunette are about the get on a boat and begin searching for the blonde, she crawls onto the shore.
Both the redhead and the brunette rush to her aid and try to help her up. She shoves them away and yells, 'Get off me you cheaters! I saw you using your arms!'

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Did you know?

The swimming pools in the Titanic are still full

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A man, a dog and a pig are in a boat...

Lost at sea, they wreck the boat and swim to a deserted island. Stranded there for months with little to do, the man begins to get urges and becomes oddly attracted to the pig. The man tries to mount the pig one day and out of no where the dog runs up and bites the man. Two days later, the man tries again. Again, the dog bites the man. The dog is not letting this happen. This continues to happen and suddenly, the man hears a cry from the water and sees a woman struggling as her boat is also wrecked and sinking. He quickly swims out to save the woman and brings her ashore. As she collects herself, she says to the man, "Thank you so much for saving my life! If there is anything I can do for you, and I mean anything, it will be done!" The man replies, "Can you take that dog for a walk?"

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God Will Save Me

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

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Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark?

Black people can't swim. -.-

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I come from a long line of alcoholics.

My gene pool has a swim up bar.

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Why do mexicans never win the Olympics?

Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump and swim are in the US.

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A woman walks up to a guy in blue swimming trunks and says, "Your eyes match your swim trunks!"

He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

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The horse and the chicken

Horse and chicken are best buds, the love frolicking in the farm. One rainy day they get too close to the pond and the horse falls in, getting himself stuck he exclaims, "chicken, save me! I can't swim!"

Always the quick thinker, chicken runs up to the farmers house, grabs the keys to the BMW, backs it up to the pond, then ties a rope around the BMW tow hooks, then ties a rope around the horse, then drives forward thus pulling him to safety.

The horse is saved!!

A few weeks go by and, again, playing by the pond, the chicken gets stuck in the water. "Help! Horse! Remember how I saved you!? Help, I can't swim!"

The horse responds. "well I can't drive stick. So here, I've an idea, I'll stand over the pond and let my dick hang down, you grab a hold and I'll pull you out."

The chicken is saved!!

The moral of the story is, if you've got a big dick you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

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Two fish swim into a concrete wall

"Dam"

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What's yellow and can't swim?

A school bus full of children.

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Three Army Lieutenants have to cross a river for infantry training.

The first one prays to God and says "Lord give me the strength to cross this river." There is a flash of light and he is granted stronger arms to swim.

The second one says "Lord give me the endurance to cross this river." Another flash of light and he is granted strong lungs to help him swim.

The third one says "Lord, remove this obstacle from my path." There is a flash of light and the young lieutenant turns into a woman. Crossing a Water Obstacle is no longer part of her test and she is applauded by the media for being so strong and independent. She has a loyal group of male followers who dote on her every day and she lives happily ever after.

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The local mental asylum is running out of space

So the asylum director concocted a way to release the least crazy residents back into the population.

He drained the swimming pool and observed which residents went in to swim. Those who jumped into the empty swimming pool were obviously not ready to be discharged.

After about 15 min he noted all the residents except one were "swimming" in the empty pool. The director came up to this gentleman, "Congratulations! You didn't jump in the pool and so are ready to go back home." To which the resident replied, "Of course I wouldn't jump in the pool! Someone needs to be the lifeguard!"

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A priest and a rabbi are very good friends, so one day they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim...

Of course they're swimming naked (as one does in a remote lake). All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in *my* community, they recognize me by my face."

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Blonde in a field.

A blonde woman is driving down a road when she sees another blonde in the middle of a field and she appears to be swimming. Angry at the site, the blonde driver slams on the brakes, hops out of the car and screams "YOU KNOW, IT IS BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT GIVE BLONDES LIKE ME A BAD NAME!!" The blonde in the field replies "Yeah, well why don't you come out here and do something about it?" The blonde driver replies "I WOULD BUT I CAN'T SWIM!"

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Why does Mexico never get any Olympic medals?

Because any Mexican who can run, jump, or swim is in America already

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One day a blonde is driving down the highway..

Along side a dried up river. Then she notices another blonde rowing a canoe in the dry sand. Angry she pulls over her pink Hummer hops out and starts screaming " It's because of idiots like you that people give blondes such a bad name! If I could swim I'd go over there and kick your ass"

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Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team?

Because everyone who could jump, run, and swim have already crossed the border.

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What fish?

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"

But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."

The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: So where are the fish?

Fisherman: What fish?

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Man at beach spots another man about to enter the water wearing a shirt emblazoned with " Trump is the greatest President ever". 1st man yells out, "you dont really believe that do you?

2nd man yells back. "No. I wear it for safety. Im about to swim in the ocean and i figure even a shark wouldnt swallow that shit."

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead are stuck on an island 100 miles away from mainland with no communication to anyone else.

The brunette gets fed up with staying on the island with no one to save them so she starts swimming towards the mainland

she gets about 30 miles in, gets too tired and drowns

The redhead also gets too bored on the island and decides to swim for it

she gets 60 miles in and gets too tired and drowns

The blonde, now all alone with no rescue in sight decides to also attempt to swim for it.

she gets 50 miles in, gets tired, decides that she would rather wait for rescue and swims 50 miles back onto the island

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Three women were stranded on an island after a shipwreck

Three women were stranded on an island after a shipwreck, a redhead, brunette and a blonde. The nearest civilization was a 40 mile swim away. The redhead swam 10 miles and drowned. The brunette swam 15 miles and drowned. The blonde swam 20 miles, became exhausted and decided she wouldn't be able to make the rest of the swim; so she swam back.

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Bob was swimming when a sea monster grabbed him by the balls.

Plus 2 or minus 2? Said the monster

Plus 2! Said Bob, but when he got out of the water he discovered he now had 4 balls. Bob was pissed with having 4 balls, but he figured he'd find the monster and this time say minus 2 and return to normal, so Bob goes for another swim. After swimming around in the water for a while Bob is grabbed by the balls again, Bob was ready with his answer.

Plus 4 or minus 4?

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Why are there no Mexican teams in the olympics?

If a mexican can run, jump or swim, they're in the US.

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What is yellow, has 38 eyes, and can't swim?

A School Bus.

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Why has Mexico never won olympic gold?

All those who can run, jump and swim are in Texas.

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Three blondes want to cross the Nile. A Golden Fish offers each of them a wish to come true

The first one wishes to swim fast. She gets to the middle of the river and the crocodiles eat her. The second one wishes to swim faster. When she gets to the middle the crocodiles eat her. The third blonde wishes to become a man. The Gold Fish turns her into a man and she says: -Thank God there's a bridge here.

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Two old Polish guys were talking about how tough their childhoods were...

"When I was a boy, my father taught me to swim the old fashioned way! He just took me out to the middle of a lake and threw me overboard!"

"Wow! That must have been scary!"

"Well, it was easy enough swimming back to shore, once I got myself out of that burlap sack."

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Blonde joke

So two blondes were driving through the country and noticed another blonde. She was sitting in a rowboat, which was in the middle of a field, and she was trying to row it.
The first blonde said- See, it's blondes like that that give us a bad name.
And the second blonde replied- Yeah! If I could swim, I'd go out there and drown her myself!

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Two guys in a insane asylum...

There are two guys in an insane asylum,one is name John and the other is name Matt. John was going for a swim in the pool and begins to drown and Matt jumps in to save him. Matt gets John out of the water and the orderlies take John back to his room. Later that day the head nurse comes up to Matt and says "that for doing a sane act you have proven that you are a fully functioning human being and you are free to go. But I hate to inform you that your friend John committed suicide". Matt says "oh my god he killed himself he seemed fine when I last saw him". "When's the last time you saw him"? I went to his room and he was still wet so I hung him out to dry.

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Love is in the Air

**First**

There once was a fellow named Dave

Who dug up a whore from her grave

She was moldy as shit

And missing a tit

But think of all the money he saved !

**Second**

A Pacific cruise ship sinks with only three survivors: David, Darren and Daisy.
They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally.

Eventually Daisy feels so bad about having sex with both David and Darren that she kills herself.
It's sad for David and Darren but they get over it and again nature takes it's course.

After year's time they feel really bad about what they are doing...

.. .so they bury her.

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A man had a party where all the rich people attend.

And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.

But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.

So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"

The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bullets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ...

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Why do hippies like to swim way offshore?

Cause it's far out, man

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When I go to the pool

When I go to the pool, I set my phone to update while it sits in my locker. That way I can sync and swim at the same time.

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What did God say when Eve swim in the ocean for the first?

He said, "Oh great, now we'll never get that smell off the fish".

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Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team?

Because anyone that can run, jump or swim is already over the border!

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A Friend Of Mine Asked Why The Mexican's Never Do Great In The Olympics

I looked at him and said, "Well Tommy, you see, all the ones that can run, jump, or swim, are already in America."

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A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island...

To get back to the mainland, they must swim 100 miles.
The redhead swims 70 miles, and drowns.
The brunette swims 90 miles, and drowns.
The blond swims 50 miles, but gets tired, and swims back to the island to rest.

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I was walking down the pier one day and saw a woman's dog fall into the water...

She started screaming in a panic as her dog couldn't swim very well and was starting to go under. Out of nowhere a little german man dived over the edge and dragged the dog out and started performing CPR on the dog. The dog came to and was fine, the woman says ''Oh my god, are you a little vet?'' the guy says ''A little vet? I'm fucking soaking!''

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A man decided to go skinny dipping

He found a secluded pond in the woods and went for a nude swim. Some kids happened by and decided to steal his clothes as a joke and only left his straw hat. When the man finally noticed his clothes were missing, he grabbed his hat, covered the family jewels, and made a run for home. On the way he passed a house with an old woman in a rocking chair on the porch. When she noticed what was happening she burst into laughter. The man stopped and said, "Madam, if you were a lady you would not be laughing." Once the woman could control her laughter, she replied, "If you were a gentleman, you would tip your hat!"

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How do you know which swimmer is the sex offender?

It's the breast stroker

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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team

Because everyone who can run, jump and swim are already in America.

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Difference between a tragedy and a disaster

A boy asks his dad the difference between tragedy and a disaster. The father answers "a tragedy is if we were on a boat and your mother falls off the boat into the water". "So what's a disaster" asks the boy, "if your mother knows how to swim" says the father.

Sorry for my poor English, this joke is translated

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I went to the pool with the local orphanage but none of them would get in the water.

It's like thier parents never taught them to swim. Or something

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What's big, yellow, and can't swim?

A school bus full of children.

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Why are there so few Mexican athletes in the Olympics?

Because most of them who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

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A Senior Officer and his Recruit

Once upon a time in the army, there was an extremely unreasonable and terrifying Officer. Everyone despised him. One day, the Officer slipped on wet rocks and fell into a river. And this Officer could not swim! A young recruit walked by and spotted him. Without hesitation, he dove in and rescued the man. Out of the water, the Officer gratefully thanked the recruit," Recruit, you saved my life! I'll do anything for you, just name one thing!" The recruit thought over it, and said," Okay, how about you do not every mention this to anyone?" The Officer was puzzled, "But why? Don't you want to be a hero?" The recruit glanced around nervously," If they find out, they'll throw ME into the river next!"

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Why do sharks only swim in salt water? (Got this is a Cracker Jack box)

Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

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What is yellow, has one arm and can't swim?

- an excavator

Do you think that's funny?
Well, the excavator operator doesn't

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Papa shark is teaching baby shark how to eat humans

"First you sneak up underneath, slowly make your way closer, you want to circle around the human about 3 or 4 times... and then BAAAAAAMMM"

Baby shark replies " but papa, why do I have to swim around him that many times, why can't I just swim right at him?"

Papa shark says "first you need to scare the shit out of him, trust me you don't want that aftertaste in your mouth"

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all stuck on an island.

The redhead tries to swim home and makes a quarter of the way there, then drowns. The brunette gets a third of the way there, then drowns. The blonde gets halfway there, then gets tired, turns around and swims back.

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The English Cat and the French Cat

There were two cats. One was British and one was French. The name of the British cat was One-two-three and the name of the French cat was Un-deux-trois. They decided to have a race to see which cat could be the first to swim across the English Channel.

Obviously, the cat named One-two-three won. Why? Because Un-deux-trois cat sank.

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Blonde, Brunette, Redhead

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped on an island 1000 kilometers from shore, and the only way to get back is to swim.

The brunette goes 200 kilometers, gets tired, and drowns.

The redhead goes 650 kilometers, gets tired, and also drowns.

Then the blonde gets to 999 kilometers, gets tired, turns around and swims back.

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Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark?

Because black people can't swim.

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Two back desk orchestral players go fishing

And one falls out of the boat.
He screams: "help, I don't know how to swim!"

His partner replies: "just fake it!"

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Why does the Mexican Olympic team always do so badly?

Because anyone who can swim, run, or climb is already in America.

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The Tale of Two Whales

A guy and girl whale are swimming along, when the guy whale spots a ship on the horizon. He says to the girl whale, "Hey, I dare you to swim over to that boat and use your blowhole to flip it over." The girl whale swims over to the vessel and capsizes it in one go. She says to the guy whale, "That was too easy." The guy whale says, "Alright, I dare you to eat all of the sailors floating in the water." The girl whale responds with, "No! I agreed to the blow job, but I refuse to swallow the seamen."

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Why doesn't Mexico ever do well in the Olympics?

Because every mexican that can run, jump, or swim is already in America.

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God gave Adam and Eve 2 rules...

First was to never eat the forbidden fruit. Second, Eve can never, under any circumstances, learn how to swim.

After a few weeks in paradise, watching Adam swim in the pristine ocean, Eve decides she'd had enough. She follows Adam into the surf, and as she reaches waste-deep water the sky darkens, and the clouds part. Gods face appears and he shouts;

"For fucks sake Eve, now all the fish are going to stink!"

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Why do the best swimmers come from Flint, Michigan?

Because they're always in the lead.

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Three women are stranded on an island

Three women are stranded on an island. There is a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. The women decide to try to swim to the mainland.

The brunette swims 1/4 of the way then drowns

The redhead swims 1/3 of the way then drowns

The blonde swims 2/3 of the way but gets tired and swims back

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What are the best Swim puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Swim? Well, here are the best jokes about Swim to have fun with.

Joko Jokes