Swig Jokes
16 swig jokes and hilarious swig puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about swig that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Swig Short Jokes
Short swig jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The swig humour may include short swipe jokes also.
- Christianity is the best way to cure gayness Just get on your knees, take a swig of wine and accept the body of a man into your mouth
- How many drunks does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to swig till the room starts to spin.
- A baseball player walking into a bar He tries to take a shot of whisky but ends up splashing it all over his shirt.
A baseball commentator from the other side of the bar says "A swig and a miss!" - Two swigs of Cillit Bang and I’ve completely forgotten I had a cough and who my parents are.
Share These Swig Jokes With Friends
Delightful Fun Swig Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about swig you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean swallow jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make swig pranks.
One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,
So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was going to be a pastor.
The child came in and picked up the bible, his Mother smiled.
Then he picked up the whiskey bottle and took a swig of it then proceeded to pocket the $100 bill and left.
Well I'll be d**... the father said
He's going to become a politician.
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that every time her husband comes home from drinking he beats her......
The doctor says that next time he comes home, open a bud light, take a swig and keep it in her mouth as long as possible without swallowing. Wife says ok and heads home
Two days later she is back and tells the doctor that it work amazingly, her husband came home drunk, so she grabbed the bud light, took as swig and kept it in her mouth for nearly ten minutes, her husband didn't hit her once!
Doctor looks at her and says "amazing what happens when you keep your mouth shut"
An Irish man finds a lamp
He rubs it enthusiastically and out pops a genie who states "Thank you for freeing me, I grant you 2 wishes" the Irishman ponders this for a while before making his first wish "I wish I had a pint of Guinness that never goes down" he says excitedly. The pint appears in his hand, he takes a swig and it immediately refills. "This is marvellous!" The Irishman says "I'll have another one of those please!"
Irish Joke
p**... walks into a chemist ,pulls out a small bottle from his pocket, removes the cork and addresses the pharmacist.
"Wid ye mind tastin that fir me"?
The man takes a swig and screws his face up in disgust. "Thats terrible" he says. "So bitter".
p**... replies with delight "Oh tats good news, they told me to bring a sample here and get tested fir me sugar levels".
Two chinese men break into a distillery one night
One of them grabs a bottle, takes a swig and asks his friend: "Is this whiskey?"
His friend replied nodding: "yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"
A travelling salesman walks into a bar...
He's going over the menu when a local guy slides onto the stool next to him, and just says one word: Waterloo.
Guessing he's onto something of a local speciality, he asks for one himself. He takes a deep swig and pulls a face: This doesn't taste like anything at all!!! he exclaims.
The local guy asks the bartender: Well, what did he expect? It's a water, innit Lou?
Bob and Earl are fishing on a boat.
and Bob says "Yunno, I think I'm gonna divorce the wife, she hasn't spoken to me in 2 months."
Earl spits his dip overboard and takes a long swig of his beer with a casual exhale. "You should really think it over...Women like that are hard to find."
Swiggity swooty...
I'm comin' for Djibouti.
Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, ''What are we going to do?''
''Nothing,'' said Ben, ''The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''
A Mexican, a Russian, and a Texan sitting at a bar
The Mexican has a bottle of tequila and says "in Mexico there is plenty of tequila" takes a big swig out of the bottle and throws it in the air and shoots the bottle. The Russian sitting next to him hears him and says " in mother russia we have plenty of v**..." takes a swig out of his bottle of v**... and throws it in the air and shoots it. The Texan sees this and is drinking an Alamo beer. So he says" in Texas we have plenty of beer." Takes a drink and shoots the Mexican and says "but in Texas we have plenty of Mexicans i tell you h'wut"
3 guys walk into a bar...
Socrates, Epictetus, and Descartes walk into a bar. Socrates goes up to the bartender first and the bartender asks him: "what's your poison?" Socrates say hemlock, takes a swig of some the bartender gives him and promptly dies. Next, Epictetus goes up to the bartender who asks Epictetus what he can bring him. Epictetus responds with: "It matters not, I will choose to like whatever you bring." So the bartender gets him a beer. Finally, Descartes goes up to the bartender. The bartender asks him if he can get him a beer like his friends, but Descartes says "I think not" and then disappears from existence.
TL;DR version: Socrates committed assisted-s**... by drinking hemlock. Epictetus had a whole "mind-over-matter" thing going for him so he could deal whatever life brought him. And, Descartes was the guy who said "Cogito ergo sum" (I think, therefore I am).
Three Badass Mice walk into a bar.
Three mice walk into a bar.
The first mouse takes a swig of his beer and says, "I am a badass mouse. In my neighborhood, we have these big mousetraps. I'm so tough that I walk up to them, grab the cheese, catch the bar and press it up and down with one arm while I eat the cheese. I'm a badass mouse."
The second mouse takes a couple swigs of his beer and says, "That's nothin'. In my neighborhood we have that rat-poison stuff. I grab it, throw it in my water and gargle it. It ain't nothin'. I'm a badass mouse."
The third mouse slams his beer, gets up, and starts walking away. The other two ask, "Where are you going?" The third mouse looks at them and says, "I'm going home to screw the cat."
Priest and a rabbi in a car accident
A priest and a rabbi have a fender-bender in the middle of an intersection. They get out to survey the damage, and the rabbi turns to the priest and says, "You know, this is a pretty trivial event, all things considered. I've got some Manischewitz in the car -- how about you and I drink to the friendship between our two faiths?" The priest readily agrees, and takes a big swig from the bottle the rabbi offers. Then the rabbi puts the cork back in and tosses the bottle in his car. "Aren't you going to drink your own toast?" the priest asks, puzzled. "Oh," the rabbi responds, "I think I'll wait until after the cops leave."
