Sweetheart Jokes
93 sweetheart jokes and hilarious sweetheart puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sweetheart that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Start your day off right with a laugh! These sweetheart jokes will make you and your significant other smile. Find funny jokes about boyfriends, girlfriends, and more to share with your darling.
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Funniest Sweetheart Short Jokes
Short sweetheart jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sweetheart humour may include short sweetie jokes also.
- "Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? " "No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
- My daughter asked if I am going to die someday I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."
She looked relieved. - Mommy, why is daddy bald? "Its because he thinks a lot sweetheart"
The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked
"is that why you have a lot of hair?" - I knew a guy who said he didn't marry his high school sweetheart until after he finished college. I asked him, "How come?"
He said, "Well, duh. I was working on my bachelor's degree." - 10 years ago today, I asked my high school sweetheart out on our first date. Today, I asked her to marry me. Both times she said no :(
- What did Matthew McConaughey tell his sweetheart when he found out he had to go overseas for a year? I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.
- My siblings and I were home schooled growing up. People always ask how my girlfriend and I met. I tell them we were high school sweethearts.
- My wife told me I was a "model husband" I said "thank you sweetheart"
Then she showed me her definition of model.
"A small imitation of the real thing" - As a little kid, I was unusually confident. I even used to call my first grade teacher "Sweetheart!" He hated it.
- Husband: Sweetheart, I have something to tell you, I just don't know how to say it... Wife: Just go on, say it...
Husband: Worcestershire
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Sweetheart One Liners
Which sweetheart one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sweetheart? I can suggest the ones about sweet love and darling.
- "Sweetheart, I'm pregnant.", "High pregnant, I'm dad!" "Actually, you're not."
- Wife and I met while studying to be opthalmologists. We were eye school sweethearts.
- Sweetheart, I didn't just fall for you. I fell because of you.
Stop tripping me. - What do you call a sympathetic candy? A sweetheart
- My dad is marrying his high school sweetheart next year. That's when she graduates.
- Come for me, daddy! I will, sweetheart. I'm sorry I was gone for 20 years.
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Sweetheart Jokes
What funny jokes about sweetheart you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean valentine jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sweetheart pranks.
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner.
Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That's really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"
Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside.
Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government." "Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?" answered Peter.
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase.
The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
Still no success.
So, he said, "Look. Let's both get on top."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said: "Zoo or no zoo.
I just gotta see this."
Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”
She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.
“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.
“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”
“You’re absolutely right sweetheart,
”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.
“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.
“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.
“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”
A mother and her daughter were visiting the grave site of a loved one, when on their way back to the car they little girl stopped her mom. She said "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, sweetheart." her mother replied, "Why ever would you ask such a question?"
"The headstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
"Mom, I'm dating a man."
"Whom, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
​
So there is a mother and her daughter sitting on the plane.
They haven't taken off yet and are still on the runway. The daughter, who is pretty young, say four or five, looks out the window and gets to thinking....
"Mommy. If big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens, then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the mom, she's hungover and jet lagged.
"aw, baby, just go ask the stewardess"
So the daughter gets up to ask the flight attendant.
"Hey stewardess lady, if big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the stewardss says "did your mother tell you to come ask me this?" The girl nods.
"well, you see, sweetheart, this is JetBlue. And we always pull out on time. That's why there's no baby airplanes. Go ask your mom about that."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The bride asks her husband
The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a v**... and I don't know
anything about s**.... Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
Cell Phone Etiquette
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
A Date on the Beach
A man once took his sweetheart for a Valentine's Day picnic on the beach. All was going well, when suddenly they were attacked by nesting shorebirds. I guess you could say their enchanted evening took a tern for the worse.
A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.
"What's wrong, dear?" He asks
Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger."
He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, "sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box."
Ba dum-tiss
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My all time favorite joke that my dad told me: The Unfaithful Husband and His Snails
This married couple decided to stay in one night instead of going out to eat, and so the wife looks at the husband and says, Sweetheart, I feel like escargo tonight. Can you go get some fresh snails?" So the husband agrees and takes a bucket over to the beach to find some snails. Just as he put the last snail in his bucket, he saw these gorgeous women looking in his direction, so he decided to go and say hello. After much flirting, they girls invited him back to their apartment, to which of course he obliged. They end up having the wildest craziest s**... imaginable, all three of them. But the husband looked up and realized he'd been gone for hours and it was almost dinner time and he hadn't even brought back the snails! So he grabbed his bucket of snails and ran back home, not stopping the entire way. Just as he made his way up the stairs to his house, he tripped on the last step and the snails went flying everywhere just as his wife opened the door. Before she could ask where he had been all day, the husband got down on his hands and knees and says to the snails, C'mon little guys, we're almost there! You can make it!"
Loyalty Test...
Wife buys 12 underwears of same color for hubby..🔻
Hubby- Why same color sweetheart. people will think I never change my underwear.
Wife- Which people
Total silence...
Aging
A young married couple was invited to their friend's home for dinner one evening. Their host was an elderly 82-year-old couple.
The young couple was impressed by the way the elderly man preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms like: "Darling, Sugar, Dear, Honey, Sweetheart," etc.
When the young man was alone with the old man in the veranda, the young man said, "I know both of you have been married for over 60 years and you are still so in love with one another. It's so wonderful after being married for so many years, you can still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man sighed, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 20 years ago."
A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...
Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
A Husband working in UK wrote to his wife in India.
Dear Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected
my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart, please understand and adjust with this situation.
Your loving husband,
His wife replied
Hey hubby
Thanks for the 100 kisses.
Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of
the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only,so I gave him other items, I hope
you understand.
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can
survive the month using this balance.
Shall I plan the same for the next month?
Your
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The suave Englishman at the breakfast table asked his sweetheart "Please pass the sugar, sugar!"
The debonair Frenchman asked his girl "Please pass the honey, honey!"
The American r**..., not to be outdone, yelled "Pass the pork, pig!"
Fred and Susan were having their usual loud...
...and endless argument about family reunions.
At last, Fred relented. "I'm so sorry, Sweetheart. I didn't mean all those hateful things I said about your family. As a matter of fact, I like your mother-in-law a whole lot better than I do mine."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Please no daddy
"No daddy, please no, daddy, I'm begging you, please don't make me put it in my mouth and s**... it again, it will make me sick like it did before."
"Come on sweetheart, its not that bad. Your mum's cooking has improved a little bit."
A married woman is telling her grandmother why she doesn't have kids.
A married woman is telling her grandmother why she doesn't have kids. She tells her that she and her husband are focusing on their careers, so they really do not have time. The grandmother looks at her disbelievingly and says, "Sweetheart, it only takes few minutes." .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tommy went to his mom in the kitchen and said: 'Mom! Mom! The dog is having s**...!'
So mom says: 'Try not to pay attention to it, sweetheart.' to which Tommy responds: 'But it hurts so much!'
It's the day of a highschooler's first prom....
and he's excited to take his sweetheart to the dance.
He goes to the flower shop to get flowers. He expects there to be a lot of people buying flowers, but there's no flower line.
Next he goes to a store that has tuxedos. He expects there to be other kids shopping for tuxes, but there's no tux line at that store.
Finally, with everything ready, he picks up his girl and goes to the prom. This time it's definitely busy. They dance and dance, then his girlfriend says she's thirsty. His feet are sore, so he doesn't really want to stand waiting for drinks, but he makes his way through the crowd anyway, gets to the punch table and it turns out there's no punch line!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cheating Golfers
An old married couple were golfing one day. On the first hole, the husband stopped mid-swing and broke down. "I can't take it any more, I have to tell you! 20 years ago, just before we were married, I cheated on you with your best friend Sally!" His wife said, "Oh, why even bring that up- it was so long ago. I forgive you sweetheart". The husband was relieved, and they continued the game. On the 18th hole, his wife stopped her s**... mid-swing as well, and broke down. She said, "I have something to confess as well. 25 years ago, before we were married, I had gender reassignment surgery. I was born a man." Her husband throws a tantrum, and is carrying on all over the tee box when he yells out, "This whole time, FOR ALL THESE YEARS???! You were playing from the Ladies tees?!?!"
Why couldn't we fax to uncle Jim in America from England, sweetheart?
Because the paper would get wet.
What did the carpenter say to the girl he loved?
Oh sweetheart, you are the eye of my maple....
A husband asks his wife...
Husband: Darling, if I lost my vision would you be my eyes?
Wife: Honey, of course I would.
Husband: If I lost my hearing would you be my ears?
Wife: Absolutely sweetheart.
Husband: If I lost my legs would you push me around in a wheelchair?
Wife: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?
Husband: I just sprained my wrist...
The old couple next door.
A young, friendly neighborhood couple were making their first visit to a very old couple next door. They were impressed by the way the old man preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the young husband leaned over and said to the old man, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
That's right
Half dressed r**... couple were sitting on couch watching news on TV, with the man's arm around the woman. The man says "Look at them homosexuals ruinin' the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man and one woman. Ain't that right, sweetheart?" The woman replies, "That's right, Daddy."
I was talking to a friend's little girl...
I was talking to a friend's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were to be the President, what is the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' 'Wow - what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my sidewalks and driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds 'cause she's only 6. And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?
And I said, Welcome to the Republican Party, sweetheart.
A guy interviews an elderly couple
During the interview, the old man asks his wife "Sweetheart, could you make me some tea?" The old woman promptly gets up and walks to the kitchen.
The interviewer asks "Wow, after 40 years you still call her sweetheart, that's amazing"
The old man then said "Yea well, don't tell my wife I forgot her name"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The baby
Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…
Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sweetheart, you remind me the sea.
>Why? is it because of my beautiful blue eyes reminding you the ocean's water?
No
>I know, it's because of my curly hair, reminds you the waves.
Not really.
>So it's my perfume? reminds you that fresh air near the beach?
Nope.
>So what is it then?
You make me sick.
A girl asks her boyfriend "Baby are you gonna still love me, even after we are married?"
Boyfriend says "Of couse, sweetheart. If your husband doesn't mind that is."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
"I've just had s**... education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have s**... before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.
I married my highschool sweetheart.
I don't know why the prosecutor keeps bringing that up.
A young man proposes marriage to his sweetheart. The girl replies, "If I marry you, will you promise to give up smoking?" ...
"Yes, I will," came the reply.
"And drinking?"
"I will give up drinking as well."
"And going to the club with your cronies?"
"Yes, I will."
"And what else will you give up for my sake?" she asked finally.
"I have already given up the idea of marrying you."
Honest Husband
A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
Boy rockss
Boyfriend: Can you be the moon of my life?
Girlfriend: Awww Yes sweetheart...!
Boyfriend:Great!then stay 9,955,887.6 away from me..!! :P
My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..
"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
Boy: This is the day I've been waiting for.
Boy: This is the day I've been waiting for.
Girl: Will you fight with me?
Boy: I will not.
Girl: Will you stay with me my whole life.
Boy: Of course.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Never in my life.
Girl: Will you love me forever?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Sweetheart.
AFTER MARRIAGE
Read dialogue from bottom up.
She: "Honey, I don't like you with the new glasses on."
She: "Honey, I don't like you with the new glasses on."
He: "But sweetheart, I don't wear any glasses."
She: "True, but I do."
Every time my significant other asks me why people act weird when they hear we are high school sweethearts...
I tell her I have no idea. What... just because I'm her AP Bio teacher I'm supposed to know everything?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You old fool!
A farmer goes into the bedroom one night with a sheep under his arm. His wife, in bed, looks up from her National Enquirer. She has curlers in her hair and green face cream all over her face.
The farmer says, "Sweetheart, this is the pig I sleep with when you won't give me what I want."
The wife rolls her eyes and says, "You old fool! That's a sheep."
The farmer replies, "You old fool, I wasn't talkin' to you!"
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on."
After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied, "…but I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ferdinand
Ferdinand went to work in France for 2 years.
When he returned, he told his wife:
-I'm sorry Mary, France is full of hot chicks and I couldn't resist. But at the last minute, when I remembered you, I immediately got off the top of them.
She answered:
-I also remembered you a lot sweetheart, but you have to understand that it's easier to get off the top than to get off the bottom.
My daughter asked me if she could have the Amazon Prime App for our Apple TV for Christmas.
I said Sorry Sweetheart. I'll get you a Unicorn instead.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mother and her daughter were passing by a cemetary
"Is that were people die, mama?"
"No sweetheart, thats were the bodies go"
"What about the heads?
True story
Darling
An elderly couple goes to their favorite restaurant they've been visiting together for decades. The man addresses his wife with all sorts of endearments, calling her his darling, sweetheart, his treasure etc.
When the lady excuses herself and goes to the bathroom, the waiter comments to the man, Wow, you have an amazing relationship with your wife, all those lovely names you call her…
The man looks at him, To be honest, it has become a necessity. I actually forgot her name about 3 years ago.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are five cows on a farm, one mommy cow and four baby calves.
The first baby walks up to the mom and asks: "Mom, why is my name Rose?" The mom replies: "Well, honey, when you were born a rose petal fell on your head."
The second calf comes up. "Mom, why is my name Lily?" The mom replies: "When you were born, sweetheart, a lily petal fell on your head."
The third calf comes up to mom. "Mom, why is my name Daisy?" The mom replies: "When you were born, my baby, a daisy petal fell on your head."
The fourth calf comes up. It says: "Hurr duh buh gah." The mom replies: "Oh, shut up, Cinderblock!"
A woman asks her husband...
about the electromagnetic spectrum so that she may help her son with his homework. She asks, "sweetheart, what comes after visible light again?" The father answers, "Ultraviolet, darling."
If your woman catches you looking at another woman
If your woman catches you looking at another woman, turn to her and say "sweetheart I am glad you don't dress like that" Haha..😂
How did Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola of the jersey shore direct the people looking for the store that sells grass seed?
"Go to the LUUUUUAWWWWWWNNNNNN SHUUUUUUUUUUAWWWWWPPPPPP!"
So, Yesterday I asked my mother if I was adopted...
She told me : "No sweetheart, no one wanted you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Super Dave Seinfeld Joke
A woman is vary afraid of the size of her opening, so she goes to her mother asking what I'm going to do ...
I'm so big down there when I merry my man he's going to divorce me !
Mother says: Don't worry sweetheart, do what i do when i married your father, go to the market, get some raw liver and put it down there and he will never know the difference !
So she does that and had 8 hours of s**... after her marriage. The morning after she wakes up she found a note from her husband under the pillow.
The note says: I love you darling, my heart beaten so hard last night I was afraid I was going to wake you up. Now I'm going to work so I can buy you a house, a car and all the stuff you want ! I can't wait to see you again after work !
P.S. - YOUR c**... IS IN THE SINK !
Before and after glasses
Finally, after procrastinating for yrs, a husband got his prescription glass.
Wife: Honey, you looked handsome before wearing glasses.
Husband: Sweetheart, You too looked beautiful before I got my glasses.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Julio Iglesias
dad: "sweetheart, do you know Spanish singer Julio Iglesias? He said he wanted to have another concert soon, you know! "
mom: "My deaaar, if I say 'Julio', it is pronounced as 'Hulio'. Don't embarrassed me like that ... "
dad: "Ooo ... is that so, ...?"
mom: "Yes, dear. When will the concert be available? "
dad: "It was Hanuari, but it was postponed. Either its Hune or Huly. Lets Watch it! After that, I plan to h**... together with him at his room, what do you think?
My girlfriend woke up and said I'm mad at you! I just had a dream that you were hitting on college girls!
I could tell she was really upset so I hugged her, then looked in her eyes and said Oh sweetheart you have nothing to worry about...I don't dig smart chicks
Man on his death bed
A man is on his death bed looking at his family wich contains of a wife, 2 older boys with bright red hair and freckles, and 1 younger boy with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He asks his boys to go out of the room so he can ask his wife something. Sweetheart tell me before I die, is our youngest child really mine? She said yes and he took his last breath and passed away.
The newly widowed woman said under her breath Thank god he didn't ask about the other two
Where's the beef ?
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.
"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bouraguiginon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone, I found that the cat had eaten it!"
"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"
Dad, why did you name me Cilantro?
Because sweetheart, it's the only way I could ever know what it felt like to love Cilantro.
A man was invited for dinner at a friends house.
Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "Thats really nice after all of these years youve been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
A man asks his neighbour if it's ok to pet his dog
Yea he's a sweetheart, never bit a soul in his life, of course you can! Says the neighbour
The man pats the dog and the dog bites his hand
I thought you said your dog is a sweetheart and doesn't bite! Exclaims the man
The neighbour looks at him shrugging and says
Yes, but that's not my dog
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.
I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, Hey sweetheart, why don't you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?
Well don't you know, she loved my suggestion!
It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.
A married couple were walking through a garden
when suddenly a dog ran towards them.
They both knew it will bite them..
The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart.
The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.
The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her.
But his wife shouted, I've seen people throwing stones & sticks at dogs, this is the first time I see someone trying to throw his wife at a dog
Moral : No one else can misunderstand a Husband better than a Wife
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Five Hundred Bucks
A trucker who has been on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't h**..., I'm homesick."
David was invited to John's house. He was impressed by how John kept calling his wife, My Love and Darling and Sweetheart.
When his wife stepped out of the room David said to John, You guys are really still in love!
John replied, No. I just forgot her name.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My 2 year old told his first joke.
We were walking down to the car and he put his hands in his pockets. He says oh mummy what's that in my pocket.
I dont know sweetheart let's see what it is
Pulls out his hands and shouts 'my hands' and does jazz hands and kills himself laughing.
He takes after his dad. His smile and laughter made my day.
