swedish Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious swedish puns

Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

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Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?

So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

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Why do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet?

So they can Scandinavian.

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Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?

So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.

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My dad just called a family meeting.

Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.

"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.

"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".

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Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them?

So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!

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My friend came crying to me after he crashed his brand new Swedish car

But I didn't want to hear his Saab story

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My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell waitresses when we went out to eat.

Waitress: Are you all finished?

Dad: No, I'm not Finnish, I'm Swedish.

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Where does a race on the Swedish border end at?

The Finnish line.

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So I'm in Ikea....

...and I ask the salesperson, "Is this a finished desk?"
and she says, "No, it's Swedish."

(edited to make more better)

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Three men and a parachute

So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to crash. There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.

The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.

The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."

The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."

To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."

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Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied Ya, well I sew women's underpants. He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied Diesel fitter. He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.

After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole's check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole's was. The manager told him, Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.

Sven's anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says Ya, diesel fitter. What has that got to do with engines?

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Why do Swedish ships have barcodes?

So they can Scandinavian.

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Swedish Massage

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.
A young and stunning attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his body. The guy was getting sexually excited as she approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.
"You wanna wank?" she asked. "You bet!" he said. "Alright..." she said
"I'll come back in ten minutes."

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What do you call a Swedish spy film?

The Bjorn Identity.

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Grรฅtrunka is Swedish for crying whilst masturbating.

It's a real tear jerker.

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My friend was telling me about how his Swedish car was totaled in an accident

I told him to spare me his Saab story.

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The confession.

A guy goes in a confessional and tells the priest that last night he meet 4 swedish air hostesses down the pub, went back to their place, snorted coke, drank 20 year old scotch and had sex all night until the sun came up.


The priest says, "that's terrible my son, what kind of a catholic are you?


Guy says "I'm not a catholic"


The priest says, "what are you telling me all this for then?"


Guy says "I'm telling everyone."

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I've just hired a hot 19 year-old Swedish girl with massive tits to babysit my kids. Now...

Where the fuck do I get some kids from?

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If Korean pop is K-Pop and Chinese rap is crap...

does that mean Swedish hits are shits?

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The Swedish word grรฅtrunka means crying while masturbating.

It's a real tear jerker

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I tried to explain to my boss that I couldn't come in to work because my imported Swedish car broke down.

But he didn't want to hear my Saab story.

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You are never too old to learn something new

You are never too old to learn something new...

I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES

English

I Love You

Spanish

Te Amo

French

Je T'aime

German

Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese

Ai Shite Imasu

Italian

Ti Amo

Chinese

Wo Ai Ni

Swedish

Jag Alskar Dig

Lithuanian

As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia.

Nice Tits.

Get in the Truck.

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A Swedish man was walking through London

A Swedish man was walking through London when he stopped a pedestrian.

"I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but I was wondering if you could answer a question about your language?"

"Why not?" The Englishman responded. "Go ahead."

"You see," the Swedish man said, "I'm a bit confused about the 'ough' sound. In 'through', it makes an 'oo' sound. In 'plough', it makes an 'ow' sound. And in 'though' it makes an 'oh' sound. I just can't figure it out."

The Englishman just chuckled and said, "Tough."

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Three Swedish men visited Copenhagen and decided to go to a Saloon...

They knocked on the door and the Madame opened. "What do you want?"
"We want to come in. We are Swedish."
"How much money are you willing to spend here?"
"We have altogether 250 crones."
"250 crones! For that price you can screw each other!"
After saying this the Madame slammed the door shut.
About 15 minutes later, the same three Swedish guys knocked on the door again. "Well, what do you want now?"
They Said "Where do we pay?"




[ps: got this joke by email. not sure why swedish. plz don't get offended].

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Brits

They drive a German Car
They go to Irish Pubz
To drink Belgium beer
They get a Chinese Takeaway on the way back
They sit on Swedish furniture
They watch American films
On a Japanese TV


Most of all though they are suspicious of all things foreign



Courtesy of Rick Wakemam who I'm doing lighting for tonight. (super chill guy btw)

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The swedish man and the danish man

A swedish man and a danish man are stuck on a forgotten island and one day a group of cannibals walks up to them and says
We are gonna eat you!
Unless you can gather together 100 fruits at the same time.
And so the scandinavian men does.

1 hour later the swedish man returns with 100 grapes. And the cannibals wretsles him down to the ground and starts to shove the grapes 1 after 1 up his ass. At the 99th grape the swede breaks into laughter. And the cannibals asks:
Why are you laughing? We are torturing you!
And the swede replies:
That danish fuck is hoarding coconuts!

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How do you describe a Swede, who's not really a Swede?

Swed-ish.

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So a pirate captain walked into my candy shop the other day...

And he asks me for a gumdrop. I say to him "Why would you want gum that's been dropped?"

"Sir," I say, "Wouldn't you rather have a candy fish?"

He says, "Candy fish? Is it sweet?"

And I say "Well... it's Swedish."

So now, the captain is so angry that he makes we walk the plank and I shout "Don't you think you're going a little overboard?!" And the pirate says, "No, *you* are!"

Before I jump, I ask him, "Can I just have one last mug of rootbeer?" And he says, "That would be fine." So I take the mug and jump... and you know? I would've drowned if it weren't for one thing...

>Rootbeer floats!<

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What do you call a Swedish assassin?

Jason Bjorn

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Why does Swedish sugar taste better?

It's Sweder

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How to build a wall

If Trump ever needs help with the wall to Mexico he should ask the Swedish National Football Team, they did a pretty good job.

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The swedish word "grรคtrunka" means 'crying while masturbating'. Guess you can say its a...

real tear jerker.

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What Do You Call Vegan Swedish Meatballs?

Meatish Swedballs

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I'm at the ear clinic.

My name might've been called out. I have no idea.

PSA: The joke is originally in Swedish, tried my best translating it.

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What are the most funny Swedish jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Swedish? Well, here are the best Swedish dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Swedish pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes