Swedish Jokes

What are some Swedish jokes?

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?

So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

Why do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet?

So they can Scandinavian.

Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?

So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.

My dad just called a family meeting.

Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.

"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.

"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".

Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them?

So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!

My friend came crying to me after he crashed his brand new Swedish car

But I didn't want to hear his Saab story

As I regained consciousness in the hospital from last night's car crash

the doctors were trying to convince me I'm actually a Swedish guy who has forgotten his identity... But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday.

My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell waitresses when we went out to eat.

Waitress: Are you all finished?

Dad: No, I'm not Finnish, I'm Swedish.

Where does a race on the Swedish border end at?

The Finnish line.

So I'm in Ikea....

...and I ask the salesperson, "Is this a finished desk?"
and she says, "No, it's Swedish."

(edited to make more better)

Three men and a parachute

So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to crash. There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.

The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.

The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."

The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."

To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied Ya, well I sew women's underpants. He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied Diesel fitter. He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.

After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole's check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole's was. The manager told him, Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.

Sven's anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says Ya, diesel fitter. What has that got to do with engines?

What do you call a Swedish spy film?

The Bjorn Identity.

GrΓ₯trunka is Swedish for crying whilst masturbating.

It's a real tear jerker.

My friend was telling me about how his Swedish car was totaled in an accident

I told him to spare me his Saab story.

The confession.

A guy goes in a confessional and tells the priest that last night he meet 4 swedish air hostesses down the pub, went back to their place, snorted coke, drank 20 year old scotch and had sex all night until the sun came up.


The priest says, "that's terrible my son, what kind of a catholic are you?


Guy says "I'm not a catholic"


The priest says, "what are you telling me all this for then?"


Guy says "I'm telling everyone."

I tried to explain to my boss that I couldn't come in to work because my imported Swedish car broke down.

But he didn't want to hear my Saab story.

The Swedish Navy started painting barcodes in the side of their ships.

That way when they get back to port they can Scandinavian.

A Swedish man was walking through London

A Swedish man was walking through London when he stopped a pedestrian.

"I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but I was wondering if you could answer a question about your language?"

"Why not?" The Englishman responded. "Go ahead."

"You see," the Swedish man said, "I'm a bit confused about the 'ough' sound. In 'through', it makes an 'oo' sound. In 'plough', it makes an 'ow' sound. And in 'though' it makes an 'oh' sound. I just can't figure it out."

The Englishman just chuckled and said, "Tough."

Brits

They drive a German Car
They go to Irish Pubz
To drink Belgium beer
They get a Chinese Takeaway on the way back
They sit on Swedish furniture
They watch American films
On a Japanese TV


Most of all though they are suspicious of all things foreign



Courtesy of Rick Wakemam who I'm doing lighting for tonight. (super chill guy btw)

Three Swedish men visited Copenhagen and decided to go to a Saloon...

They knocked on the door and the Madame opened. "What do you want?"
"We want to come in. We are Swedish."
"How much money are you willing to spend here?"
"We have altogether 250 crones."
"250 crones! For that price you can screw each other!"
After saying this the Madame slammed the door shut.
About 15 minutes later, the same three Swedish guys knocked on the door again. "Well, what do you want now?"
They Said "Where do we pay?"




[ps: got this joke by email. not sure why swedish. plz don't get offended].

How do you describe a Swede, who's not really a Swede?

Swed-ish.

Why do Swedish boats have barcodes on the side?

So they can Scandinavian.

What do you call a Swedish assassin?

Jason Bjorn

So a pirate captain walked into my candy shop the other day...

And he asks me for a gumdrop. I say to him "Why would you want gum that's been dropped?"

"Sir," I say, "Wouldn't you rather have a candy fish?"

He says, "Candy fish? Is it sweet?"

And I say "Well... it's Swedish."

So now, the captain is so angry that he makes we walk the plank and I shout "Don't you think you're going a little overboard?!" And the pirate says, "No, *you* are!"

Before I jump, I ask him, "Can I just have one last mug of rootbeer?" And he says, "That would be fine." So I take the mug and jump... and you know? I would've drowned if it weren't for one thing...

>Rootbeer floats!<

Why does Swedish sugar taste better?

It's Sweder

How to build a wall

If Trump ever needs help with the wall to Mexico he should ask the Swedish National Football Team, they did a pretty good job.

The swedish word "grΓ€trunka" means 'crying while masturbating'. Guess you can say its a...

real tear jerker.

What Do You Call Vegan Swedish Meatballs?

Meatish Swedballs

I'm at the ear clinic.

My name might've been called out. I have no idea.

PSA: The joke is originally in Swedish, tried my best translating it.

So my friend called me last night to tell me about how his Swedish car broke down

But I told him I didn't have time for his Saab stories

Why do they put barcodes in every Swedish battleship?

So they can Scandinavian.

The other day a Swedish man called me a racist and a believer of stereotypes...

So Ikea'd his car.

what is a swedish government crisis?

there are 12 ministers in a meeting but only 11 cinnamonrolls

What did the Swedish chef say to his girlfriend when he found out she was pregnant?

Abort - Bort - Bort!

What do you get when you cross a Swedish tennis pro, a computer virus, and an insatiable hunger for mort flesh?

Cyborg Bjorn Borg hosting smorgasbords at the morgue.

A Swedish bartender is found to be the spitting image of Leonardo DiCaprio

As it turns out, they have the same amount of Oscars, too.

Swedish Fish

They aren't sweet, just sweet-ish.

It turns out I'm Norwegian, Swedish, and Danish

Apparently there's more, but I can't Finnish.

Just watching the Germany Sweden game and there's a Swedish player called lustig

that's funny.

Why can't you ever sing the last verse of a Swedish song?

Because it's not Finnish.

Swedish for beginners.

\-Far, fΓ₯r fΓ₯r fΓ₯r?
\-Nej, fΓ₯r fΓ₯r inte fΓ₯r, fΓ₯r fΓ₯r lamm.

Have you heard the one about the failed Swedish car company?

I'd tell it to you, but nobody likes a Saab story.

What's the difference between a Swedish jam band and slam dunking a baby?

One's a Swedish Phish and the other's a fetus swish

Norwegians like to joke about the inferior intellect of our Swedish neighbors. This is my favorite joke:

A Norwegian is sitting at the bar and enjoying a nice drink. He turns to the large muscle man sitting by his side and asks: "Do you wan't to hear a joke about the swedes?"

The man replies: "Well, buddy, before you tell that joke I'd like you to know this: I am the current Swedish heavy weight boxing champion. The guy next to me won the Swedish wrestling championship five times and the guy sitting next to him represented Sweden in the Olympic games as a weight lifter. Are you absolutely sure you wan't to tell that joke?"

The Norwegian thinks for a few seconds and replies: "Meh, Not if I have to explain the joke THREE times."

Why do the swedish navy have barcodes on their ships?

So they can scandinavin

What's Swedish Chef's evil twin's name?

Swedish Jeff

Low sugar Swedish fish

If they make a low sugar swedish fish, would it be Sweet-Ish Swedish-ish fish?

I'm just here to let you all know gratrunka is the Swedish word for crying while masturbating

Ain't that a real tear jerker?????

A young Swedish woman, old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train.

A young Swedish woman, **an** old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding **on** a train.

The train goes through a tunnel, it becomes pitch black in the car, and then a loud SMACK is heard.

The train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.

The old Dutch woman thinks: "He must have groped the young Swedish woman, and she slapped him."

The young Swedish woman thinks: "He must have tried to grope me, and accidentally got the old woman, and she slapped him."

The Englishman thinks: "The Irishman must have groped the Swedish girl, and she accidentally slapped me."

The Irishman thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that English guy again."

Swedish Moose Joke Translated by Google

PS: Read with strong Scandinavian accent for best effect.

 

There were two moose who were flying. Then it said one:

"You have a bun in your eye!"

"What?" Answered the other.

"You have a bun in the eye!"

"What?"

"You have a bun in your eye."

"Well, I do not hear because I have a bun in my eye."

I hate it when people tell me the're going to a Swedish furniture shop

Does it look like Ikea?

What do Swedish criminals say when the cops are coming?

Pork! Pork! Pork!

I remember the Swedish summer of 2017..

It was the best day of the year.

Did you hear about the constipated Swedish guy?

He was Farfrompoopin

I'd tell you a tale about my swedish car..

But it's just another Saab story.

TIL that Swedish Fish are actually shaped like Sweden, not fish.

Yeah, it turns out the fish part is a red herring.

What hood was the Swedish cholo from?

StockHOLMES!

Swedish Man: What's 2+2?

Me: uh... 4

Swedish Man: FJOUR MAMA!

A man is on his way back from IKEA, his wife phones him and says are you bringing some dinner back?

He replies Yes love, I've picked up a Swedish meatball selection, and ITS COMING HOME!

What did the Chinese statistician use to tally the number of Swedish bands?

An ABBAcus

A man walks into a Swedish chemist shop.....

... and asks for some deodorant. The shopkeeper says 'ball or aerosol?' The man answers 'neither, I want it for my armpits.

What are the Swedish Chef's two favorite singers?

Fergie Fergie Fergie , Bjork Bjork Bjork...

I found a massage parlor offering swedish massages,

but I was looking for a happy Finnish.

Although you may think you're buying Swedish Fish

you're really buying a bag full of Finns.

Is my girlfriend's Name European?

It says "Made in China, 100% Polyesterene, Do not Iron" I think its Swedish, I'm not sure.

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes?

So you can Scan the navy in.

Five swedish men in a pool

The swedes were swimming and suddenly a condom popped to the surface of the water.

Directly one of the mans asks: "who farted?"

Apparently my buddy went through 'Thalstruma,' the Swedish term for crying and wanking at the same time.

Indeed, it was a tearjerker.

Part of my college class on distilling alcohol was about Swedish vodka

It was an Absolut unit

This Swedish guy was walking up to a bus stop when he tripped and fell onto a woman's lap.

I lied. He wasn't Swedish.

He was a Laplander.

How do you catch a Swedish fish?

With a gummy worm as bait

What sound do Swedish clowns make?

BjΓΈnk

(Utterly awful joke ahead) What do you call a scar left by the Swedish Chef?

A borkmark.

Finnish, swedish and norwegian went to bar..

Finnish, swedish and norwegian went to bar, because life sucks and alcohol is their way to escape it.

If Apple made cars they would be Swedish.

The car would be called the iKia.

Did you hear that the Swedish navy started adding barcodes to their ships recently?

Yeah, they wanted to be able to scan da navy in.

A Swedish exchange student asked me if he could do 'meth' in my classroom after school

As a maths teacher, I was pleasantly surprised by his willingness to learn.

Had an argument with a Swedish man

The other day, a Swedish man called me racist and a believer of stereotypes...

So Ikea'd his car.

What do Swedish people say when they see something they don't like?

Yikea

Swedish Chemist's Shop

(Imagine the Swedish accents)

A man goes into a Swedish chemists shop.
The assistant says, Good morning sir, how may I help you today?"
The customer says, "I'd like to buy a deodorant please."
"Certainly sir. Ball or aerosol?"
The customer replies, "No, I'd like it for my armpits."

How to make Swedish jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Swedish to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Swedish? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Swedish pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes